Valentine’s Day : Tips and Tricks

People in love:-

WRONG : Read a cute love forward and think about that special someone

RIGHT : Delete cute love forward without reading and go twitter or something


WRONG : Day dream about the person

RIGHT : Day dream about the person IN BED


WRONG : Listen to Backstreet boys

RIGHT : Go to Bangalore later this month and DIE!


WRONG : Care for that special someone more than anything else

RIGHT : Pretend to care for that someone till your infatuation ends


WRONG : Breathing normal

RIGHT : Choke yourself



Confused people:-

WRONG : Give a rose to that special person

RIGHT : Give a rose to several people and make sure they don't meet


WRONG : Try to decide if you're straight or gay

RIGHT : Kill yourself


WRONG : Think of buying a Hallmark/Archies card

RIGHT : Go give lotsa money to Hallmark/Archies to chop down trees - same result


WRONG : Figure out how many flowers to buy

RIGHT : Figure out how many people to give


WRONG : Flowers or candy?

RIGHT : Beer



Already in a relation:-

WRONG : Do something different

RIGHT : Do something ABSOLUTELY different, like breaking up. Or better yet, killing each other!


WRONG : Celebrate this day by rekindling your relationship

RIGHT : Don't give a damn what day it is



After Rejection:-

WRONG : Cry in front of her/him

RIGHT : Go home and cry to Mom. She loves you more anyways.


WRONG : Throw stones at her/him

RIGHT : Throw grenades at her/him. Kills them and eliminates identifiable body tissue - 2 birds with 1 stone.


WRONG : Throw the flower and walk away.

RIGHT : Stab the person in the eye with the flower's stalk and walk away


WRONG : Start drinking, drugs and all bad habits

RIGHT : Declare Feb 15th as 'Rebound Day' and keep trying till they give in



And don't forget to have a wonderful Valentine's day where lots and lots of blood is spilled. Also remember that this day is absolutely useless and you are just fuelling large corporates in the name of emo mind games J



Best Rejection EVER

Loser: Hey! So remember this girl I told you about?
Hommie: Of course I do. The one with two ears and two eyes right?... Which girl idiot?! You've told me about a dozen girls. Unless she's a ninja or a pirate you're gonna have to be a bit more specific.
Loser: The cute one.
Hommie: The annoying yet cute one or the puppy dog cute one?
Loser: Puppy dog!
Hommie: Oh yeah! She IS cute! So what about her? You asked her out or something?
Loser: Pretty much.
Hommie: Pretty much? What the fuck does 'pretty much' mean? I didn't ask you if your life was boring. I asked if you asked her out. So did you or did you not ask her out?
Loser: Dude! It ain't as simple as that.
Hommie: OMG! Fuck man! You fucking asked out the cute girl! I knew you had a crush on her.
Loser: Like I said man, it ain't as simple.
Hommie: I know. You being gay and all, having a crush on a girl does make it rather complicated. Are you bi?
Loser: Dude.
Hommie: What?
Loser: SHUT THE FUCK UP! And listen to what happened.
Hommie: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away....
Loser: ...a bitch named 'hommie' learnt how to shut the fuck up. Meanwhile, I was doing some heavy boozing with one of my hommies.
Hommie: By heavy you mean you mixed BOURNVITA with your milk? WHOA MAN!
Loser: So in our drunken conversations, this guy keeps pointing out the same thing that you said, that I am in fact in 'love' with the female.
Hommie: What female?
Loser: The cute one!!
Hommie: You guys were talking about the cute female?
Loser: No genius. We were talking about who is to blame for the conflict along the Gaza strip. Upon hearing my arguments on that he came to conclude that I was in fact in love with the cute female.
Hommie: AH! I see! Continue!
Loser: So he's all over me telling how I talk about her and sh*t. And he kept pushing me to tell her my 'feelings' man!
Hommie: You had feelings for her? EWW!
Loser: No man! I haven't even thought of it like that. Point being...actually I don't know what the point was.
Hommie: Point being you realised you had feelings for her and asked her out. So she said yes?
Loser: NO!
Hommie: She said NO?
Loser: Let me finish ass face! That's not what happened! While he was giving me love advice, I was full time telling him to fuck off. But he didn't stop at all man!
Hommie: So what did you do? Puke on him?
Loser: No asshole. We bickered for a while and went to sleep.
Hommie: What a lovely couple you two make.
Loser: Drop dead! Only problem was I hardly slept 30 minutes when I had to get up and go to class. Reason why I decided not to cut class was because just before falling asleep drunk, I decided – I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow.
Hommie: If you slept for less than 30 minutes, it was already tomorrow. And I don't want details of how you brushed your teeth or zipped up your pants after you woke up. Tell me! DID SHE SAY YES B*TCH???!!! DID SHEEEE????!!!!
Loser: Fast forwarding for your fucking convenience your highness. I finally get some alone time with her and so I tell her.
Hommie: Tell her what? That her shoes look nice? That the hole in the ozone was getting bigger? That Barrack Obama was your Dad? Give me the exact words!
Loser: You have to consider my situation before I tell you. I was wasted the last night and slept for half an hour. And I didn't prepare beforehand for telling her either so I just blurted out what came to my mind when I was facing her.
Hommie: The WORDS Dude!
Loser: Well, my brain was telling me to open my mouth and let the words come out. Hey! That rhymes!
Hommie: I'm so happy for you I could bash up your skull and make you tell me what you said.
Loser: So since I'm good with the talking and all, my brain gives full permission to me to go ahead and talk. And I say....
Hommie: Holy shit! Here it comes!
Loser: "If at some point in your life you find that no one wants you...."
Hommie: ......
Loser: ......
Hommie: THAT'S IT??!!
Hommie: Oh wow! The tension is killing me. So continue.
Loser: So as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted.... "If at some point in your life you find that no one wants you...."
Hommie: Dramatic pause....
Loser: Dramatic pause....."...I...want you!"
Hommie: .......
Loser: ....That's what I said.
Hommie: You serious?
Loser: Yes!
Loser: What's wrong with that?
Hommie: Worst proposal EVER man! HAHAHAAA!!
Loser: But that's not all!
Hommie: FUCK! There's more???!!!
Loser: By now she's all like on the verge of tears and shit.
Hommie: OMG!! You made her cry??
Loser: NO! I said verge of tears. You don't bury someone who's on the VERGE of death do you? Similarly you don't say some one's crying when I just fucking said they're on the VERGE of tears!
Hommie: Yes sir! Verge of tears! Not crying! Got it sir!
Loser: Well you see, I didn't know if she was like "Oh Shit! WTF did he just say?" or like "OMG! I was waiting for this to happen!" kinda verge of tears.
Hommie: So what did you do?
Loser: I had to check what she was thinking. So I made one more statement.
Hommie: Oh dear god!
Loser: So I say..."And I hope no one wants you"
Hommie: Dude! I didn't think you could make this more gay than it already was but you somehow did. Congrats! You've lost what little respect I had for you.
Loser: Dude.
Hommie: Huh?
Loser: FUCK YOU!
Hommie: Thanks! What did she say? What did she say? What did she say?
Loser: She, while still on the verge of tears told me to get lost! With over the top gestures even.
Hommie: ..........what?
Loser: She told me to get lost with....
Hommie: This entire event was of your REJECTION?!
Loser: Well......
Loser: ............
Hommie: You know why she rejected you huh? You know why you were fucking shot down?
Loser: NO MASTER! Please enlighten me!
Hommie: It's your gay proposal. Your words were crappy!
Loser: So what would you have done master?
Hommie: Who? Me?
Loser: No! The other fucking idiot I'm currently calling 'master'.
Hommie: I'd have said something like...."If at some point of time you feel like you don't want to talk to anyone and no one wants to talk to you....just remember....I'm only 10 digits away..."
Loser: You kidding me?
Hommie: What?
Loser: Firstly, it sounds like you ripped that off of a forward. And what if she's in another state at that 'point of time'? What then huh? ELEVEN DIGITS!! You need to add a zero in the front!
Hommie: ..............
Loser: And if she's ISD, 12! Country code bitch.
Hommie: So you're saying, in order to be technically accurate, it has to be said like... "If at some point of time you feel like you don't want to talk to anyone and no one wants to talk to you....just remember....I'm only 10,1Loseror 1Hommiedigits away..depending on whether I'm in you same state, country or planet respectively" ????
Loser: Of course not! Since you mentioned she "don't want to talk to anyone", why the hell would she call you? Contradiction right there in your sentence moron!
Hommie: …….
Loser: …….
Loser: HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!......Cheers to us man!
Hommie: YUP! Buncha single losers!
Loser: So turns out…you're the only one in my life!...Darling!
Hommie: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! Now that's going too far!
Loser: What?
Hommie: If a couple of homos were listening to us right now, EVEN they'd probably say "That's so gay!"
Loser: And then they'd probably start making out after that.
Hommie: You should join them, you can't get rejected there!
Loser: Speaking of which, I'm not done with my story yet.
Hommie: Oh lord! What have I done to deserve this elongated story of despair inflicted on my confused gay friend?
Loser: You didn't jump off a 10 storey building when you had the chance.
Hommie: I asked a rhetoretical question.
Loser: Continuing…ah damn! Where was I?
Hommie: I think Hitler was about to you as your personal slave of luuuuurve!
Loser: YES! She told me to get lost. With her trembling lips and shaky hands, she told me to go away from her. It wasn't like forceful or anything, like you know, like a kid would do it.
Hommie: I bet she looked cuter than ever then huh?
Loser: Aw Man! You have no idea! She was ADORABLE! She was so so so so so so so so so <deep breath> sooo…
Hommie: YEAH YEAH! I get it! She was at the epitome of her cuteness.
Loser: ABSOLUTELY! A zillion times cuter than that flat chested broad you had a thing for. Anyways, I was just stan…
Hommie: Uh…dude….
Loser: What?
Hommie: FUCK YOU! Go on.
Loser: So I was standing there like a moron while she kept telling me to leave. But honestly speaking, watching her become so delicate gave me confidence! HA!
Hommie: Interesting…
Loser: So I stood there with confidence, and asked her "What do you mean?"
Hommie: Even a retard like you should know she means you should just f…..
Loser: AND SHE ASKS ME…."What about shorty?"
Hommie: Shorty? The annoying yet cute female? She knows all about shorty?
Loser: NAH! She just knows shorty has a crush on me and I'm not interested.
Hommie: Still that is a fucked up question to be asking a time like this. So did you retort?
Loser: Yeah, I looked at her coolly and asked "What about her?"
Hommie: HO HO! NICE!
Loser: She ain't done there! She goes and asks…."What about BB?"
Hommie: HOLY SH*T! BB? FUCKING BB? Why the hell did you tell her about your ex? Why? Why? WHY? Was it for sympathy? HUH?
Loser: Man! Stop pretending to be a black actor in a Tarantino movie. Your just a mallu loser who ain't even tall. And I just tell her about BB 'cause we still are good friends, not about our past love life and shit.
Hommie: So she didn't know you guys WERE in a relationship?
Loser: You don't have to emphasise on the 'were' you sly bastard. I know we broke up. And NO! She didn't know anything. So I look her straight in the eye….and I tell her…
Hommie: AW MAN! Don't tell me you used our GREATEST quote yet.
Loser: …..I tell her….."Been there….done that….It's…"
Loser: …….
Hommie: WHOOO!! Sledge hammer to her FACE! …But wait! Why IS she rejecting you?
Loser: That's the most fucked up part man! You remember me telling you about her close buddy Ringo?
Hommie: Why the hell you I remember about some DUDE who's some background character even in YOUR story?
Loser: Well, this background character just got a violent JOLT into the foreground.
Hommie: OH SHIT! Is this what I think it is?
Loser: Sure is!
Hommie: She's going out with her best friend and you didn't even know it and you went and proposed to her?
Loser: Breath man! Breath!
Hommie: Fucking loser!
Loser: Hey! In my defence. I didn't know they were officially a couple and shit.
Hommie: Did I not tell you to look up
Loser: Go die!
Hommie: So they like really deep? Like marriage and stuff?
Loser: Pretty much!
Hommie: Take your 'pretty much' and shove it up your….
Loser: THEY ARE…you happy now dick?
Hommie: Nah man! This is messed up! I mean that guy Ringo, watta bitch man! He's looks like something from the stone age or something!
Loser: You've seen this guy???!!!
Hommie: No! But I gotta be loyal to you right?
Loser: ……..
Hommie: So that means I can stop pretending to hate the guy?
Loser: Ha ha….forget the guy! He's not important. Don't you wanna know how we disengaged?
Hommie: You're giving me a choice?
Loser: No! So before walking away from her, I lung forward and pull on her cheeks real hard and go like "Chooo chweeeet"
Hommie: HOLY SHIT! You must've scared the life outta her, and the dignity outta yourself.
Loser: Anyways! After that I walk away and the background theme playing for me is that "O yuva yuuuuvaaa…oooo yuuuu vaaaaaa!" song from Yuva.
Hommie: What about her?
Loser: She?...we'll she's lightly touching her cheeks where I had just pulled and her music is "Yeh dhooriiyaaaaaaaaa" from Love Aaj Kal.
Loser: Thank you!
Hommie: But Love Aaj Kal released only in 2009. This is still an incident from our college days way before 2009.
Loser: FUCK YOU Mr. Perfection. You know the average reader would not have noticed that? Now you went and screwed that up!
Hommie: Even so… I must say….
Loser: What?

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