Cavalcade of Corporate Comedy

cav-al-cade [kav-uh l-keyd, kav-uh l-keyd]
any noteworthy series, as of events or activities.

cor-po-rate [kawr-per-it, -prit]
of, for, or belonging to a corporation or corporations

com-e-dy [kom-i-dee]
any comic or humorous incident or series of incidents.

Question : Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chicken : <looks left and right>......<crosses the road>
Boss : Well?
Chicken : Well Boss, I noted my average speed when crossing, wind velocity, ambient temperature and atmospheric pressure.
Boss : <shakes head>....You always know how to disappoint me don't you?
Chicken : I....uh...what...did you...I....
Boss : Did you note down the density of the road you crossed on?
Chicken : I...uh...I...I counted the number of vehicles that went by as I crossed.
Boss : Vehicles? What do you mean vehicles, man? What about number of 2, 3, 4 and 5 wheelers? Did you count those separately? Inclusive of their individual registration numbers?
Chicken : .......
Boss : I also wanted the stock value of Abhishek Bachchan at the point of time you crossed.
Chicken : ...........Wha...?
Boss : And most importantly, how could you miss taking down the population of the green horned lizards of Botswana in 1979?
Chicken : wasn't even formed by 1979...
Boss : This is why you never even come up to my expectations, al-WAYS giving excuses.
Chicken : .........
Boss : Do this now, you somehow get all the data I want and document them. About 713 excels with 4 sheets each, 9031 word documents and maybe 94 PPTs would do. And map and update these to ALL our documentation on our project since 408BC till 3000 years into the future.
Chicken : .....But...
Boss : Still giving excuses huh?
Chicken : ..............
Answer : Because it was part of requirements.

Code Man and the Masters of the Software
Shekar : Hari! Come quick! Defect Skeletor is ruining our chances of a successful release tomorrow.
Hari : Skeletor and his errors of evil MUST be stopped <takes out pen> By the power of GRAYSKULL!
Lightning : <flash>
Castle Grayskull : <flash>
Pen : <turns into sword>
Background music : CODE MAN!.....Code Man and the Masters of the Software!

Things you won't hear #1
Jabri : I'm a Rindo this google wooooorld!

Things you won't hear #2
NRN : I'm glad all 12 of you have come my disciples. Tonight, one of you will betray me to the Roman Empire.
Author dude : But there's a total of 7 people here.

Things you won't hear #3
Techie : I'm so happy!

Sex Ed for Software Engineers : Episode One
Sashi Taroor : Hi! This is your youth icon Sashi, here to tell all you software engineers about the wonders of Sex. Lesson one : Buying a good Porn CD.


Not coming to a theatre near you


<People at a chai shop tune into the Radio>
<Old man with newspaper turns on Radio>
Radio Jockey : Good morning India! This is Sushil bringin' you the sounds of <crash> what the..HEY! You can't be in here..OH MY <BANG><BANG><BANG>.....
<Old man puts down newspaper to listen more closely>
<Student calls other students closer towards the hostel Radio>
A murderous psychopath
Sinister Voice on Radio : Good Morning India. Welcome to the Danger hour with your host, ME, the serial bomber.
<People at the chai shop shocked>
An impossible situation
Sinister voice on Radio : I have placed a bomb in every Radio in India which will go off UNLESS, the RJ is talking at the rate of at least 500 words per minute. Otherwise..
<Old man's radio starts beeping>...<Old man surprised>....<Radio explodes>
Sinister voice on Radio : My demands are simple, I want a reality show to be made on the Honeymoon adventures of Saif and Kareena, where Kareena is talking all the time and Saif is looking like an idiot.
Who will stop this madman?
Police dude : Who will stop this madman?
Police Commissioner : Too late Police dude, the trailer already asked that question. But how did he manage to get past national security to place a bomb in every radio of every house of this country?
National security : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Terrorist tour guide : OK! To the left we have the Indian national security. We will stop and have lunch from here before moving onto a densely populated area to blow up people.
Police Commissioner : So that's how. Either way we can't give into his demands.
Police dude : It's ridiculous! We all know Saif and Kareena will break up before the wedding.
Police Commissioner : We got no choice, we have to call in...THE CSTFU SQUAD!
<2 guys walking in slow motion towards the camera through smoke>
Starring KARAN THAPAR as Mr.Question
Mr.Q (17 words/sec): So tell me Mr.Bomber, what is your motivation behind this crime? Perhaps it was funded by some terrorist organisation which wants to blow up all of India and by that I mean from northern part of India to the south most point of the sub continent that is Kanyakumari?
Serial Bomber : You ask too many quest....
Mr.Q (23 words/sec) : I'm going to have to stop you there to show some papers with random stuff written on it which proves as much as the chewing gum under my shoe.
Serial Bomber : ...uhh...I...
Mr.Q (27.5 words/sec) : So can you explain why Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb? Who's fleece was white as snow mind you.
With RAJEEV MASAND as the Ranting Reviwer
Reviewer (25.65 words/sec) : You seem to be full of spectacular raging hormones. Your wit and sadistic nature are a real treat yet this pales in comparison to your background story which if full of plot holes that will have you screaming with agony all the way through.
Bomber : Are you like....attracted to me or something?
Will this unlikely pair prove a match for the serial bomber?
Mr.Q(54 words/sec) : You should really ask more questions that pressing upon your views to the general public. For instance this bomb I am holding in my hands.
Bomb : ....34.....33......32.......31......30.....
Mr.Q (69 words/sec) : So tell me Mr.Bomb, is it the red wire or the blue wire. And if not the blue wire, is it a hint of Communism being expressed there? Could this entire operation be funded by China? Does this shirt make me look fat? Is Pluto a planet? What is the longest word in the dictionary? That's enough questions to last you a lifetime.
Bomb : ...................................29.....28.....27.....
Reviewer (77.114 words/sec) : Clearly the bomber has outdone himself in this venture with the generic blue wire red wire bomb that has a countdown clock. The maliciousness and pterodactlyus spororgy of quasi hetero dentistry is completely gluteus maximus coprada!
Bomb : ....26....25....HEY! You just made those words up!.....
SPEED 3 : The CSTFU SQUAD (Can't Shut The Fuck Up SQUAD)
Reviewer : This movie promises everything your ex-husband and politicians do and more. It is a must watch and full of entertainment for the family. I'm going with minus 3 stars for this epic piece of cinema. Because that's what I do, I give bad ratings to good movies.
Audience guy : Dude, did he just rate his own movie? That too like negative rating? Like ACTUAL negative rating of MINUS 3 stars? Like WTF!


Jack and Jill, went up the hill,
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down, and broke his crown,
and Jill came tumbling after!
Or was it?

<Jill standing over a bloodied and bruised Jake, holding her gun>
<Jill surrounded by Humpty Dumpty, 3 blind mice and Ajmal Kassab>
Jack(bloodied and bruised) : Jill....I still....lov...
Jill : I know.......<BANG!>
7 months late...
Jack : I'd like Hattori Hanzo to fucking make me a new blade.
Japanese dude : You think you wield a fucking Hattori Hanzo katana? <fucking throws grenade at Jack>
Jack : <cuts grenade in half>....I might!...... <grenade explodes in fuckingslow motion>
<CUT SCENE : Jack travelling in car>
Jack : She fucking left me for dead at the bottom of that hill.....
<Jack at the local bar>
Bartender : Kalyani Beer or MGM Vaatka saar?
Jack : I'm looking for..........the fucking mouse brothers.
Bartender : Back room saar!
<CUT SCENE : Jack travelling in car>
Jack : .....I shall fucking hunt down everyone responsible.....
<Jack fighting Humpty Dumpty>
Jack : Where's Jill?!
Humpty : You will die by my blade even before you find out where Jill is. <raises sword>
Jack : <slashes>
Humpty : <squirts blood> So that really was a Hattori Hanzo katana <breaks into pieces with fucking blood everywhere>
Jack : Goodbye old friend.
Written and Directed by a ****ING GENIUS
<CUT SCENE : Jack travelling in car>
Jack : Even though they're all fucking fictional characters from childrens' poetry....
Ajmal Kassab : .....
Jack : I'll kill them ALL....And then finally........I am..........gonna..........KILL JILL!
<Jack and Jill face off>
Jill : You didn't think it would be that easy did you?
Jack : For a second there...YEAH!
KILL JILL Volume 1
(revENGE with a capital ENGE)


Chetan Bugger : HI! I'm world's greatestest writist Chetan. Many of you love me more than your own Moms because of my awesome God like powers. And I know many of you committed suicide when those bastards didn't give me enough credit for MY MOVIE. So I present to you, my autobiography! After you watch it, I will sign your face in appreciation, else you won't get into heaven. Enjoy the trailer!
From the guy who thinks he fucked up IIT
Chetan : I know I'm only an accountant, but all I want...IS LOVE.....along with sex and cash!
Watch his journey in discovering true love
Female : Hey! I'm like a totally weird Brahmin girl or something, 'cause I drink beer and spoon feed fat bastards.
Chetan : I am so damn cool because I make fun of everyone in my head. Let's have sex.
Female : I've only known you for like 3 minutes....OK!
Watch as he faces his worst adversities
Female's Dad : I stereotypical South India...I speak like caveman...I also hairy like caveman...GRRRRR!! I bite you if you touch daughter, because that how South Indians are.
Chetan's Mom : Arre! Kya rre! Blah rre! Satyajit Ray!
Watch as he gets help from the least expected places
Chetan : God? Is that really you?
God : FUCK NO! You think God would come here to help out a loser like you? Go die!
Chetan : So how did everything magically fall into place? Is it because of true love?
God : Yeah why not....dumbass!
Watch as some random shit happens
Female : I shall break up with you 'cause.....well not really sure on that...but I'm breaking up!
Chetan : I have no reason to live.
Female : Hey wait! I love you again... not really sure why again
Watch with "All hail Chetan" written across screen throughout the movie

Hrithik "1 crappy movie a year" Roshan as Chetan Bhagath
Conswella Banana Hammock as Female(Love interest)
Wild Gorilla as Female's Dad
Some fat Aunty as Chetan's Mom

Directed by Some guy
Produced by Rakesh Roshan (DUH!)

(gonna make you spend more money on him, in theatres near you)

'Kites' in a nutshell

Starring :-
Hrithik as J, the hero who's name is just an alphabet, so let's call him Hrithik
Barbara Mori as the Spanish Chick
Kangana Ranaut as the Stalker
Some NRI dude as Villain
Some other guy as Some other guy

SPOILER ALERT : If you didn't know that the main two characters die at the end of the movie, then don't read the following.

Middle of nowhere(but in Mexico)
Mexican workers : OMG! We found a half dead guy inside a train with awesome hair! I want his shampoo!
Hrithik : Behold! I have awoken from my coma. What? I don't have a beard yet, I guess my alarm rang too early <hits snooze button>
Mexican Doc : That wasn't the alarm, I just pulled a goddam bullet outta your body! Even John Rambo shows some pain. Stop playing dead and act dammit!
Sometime later...
Mexican Doc (in Spanish): I hope that you don't mind us sending you in some random direction into the fuckining desert without food, supplies, transportation or even water while still limping.
Subtitles : I hope that you find your love!
Hirthik : Girls, stop staring at my sexy beard. It's time for a flashback.

3 months before...
Hrithik : Generic Las vegas intro blah blah dreams blah blah money metaphors blah blah blah. Anyways, I'm the biceps showing dance instructor who does green card scams by marrying illegal immigrants for money. For some reason I have only one friend but I'm reasonably connected enough to not get caught for the scam or polygamy. The last woman I married doesn't speak English and I don't speak her language of Spanish.
Audience : Foreshadowing! A hint of things to come, Good one director.
Director : YO! <poses>
Hirthik : Though I have a lot of fashion dress sense, my apartment's a dump. Hmmmm!
Stalker : TADAAAAA!
Hirthik : OMG! A female ninja!
Stalker : I learned how to sneak around from Batman. You freaked out yet? How about I give you hints about me moving in with you and then show you my legs?
Hirthik : Though any given male would consider a hot chick who willing jumped onto his bed, I am so ethically reinforced that I shall ask you to get the fuck outta my house.
Stalker : Didn't you earlier tell us in a narrative that you're a low level con man? Screw you, I shall leave now, but not before showing you a generic sign of wealth – A Limo!
Next day...
Hirthik : Hey! I'm taking a sudden interest in you to access your riches. It also gives me a chance to show off my dancing skills in a competition.
Other dancers : We too got skill dude! This ain't India!
Hrithik : Daddy! They're making fun of me!
Bald Roshan : No probs! Just dance with the Kangana's dance double and I'll give you more screen time.
Stalker : Hey! Come have a generic polite meeting with my casino owning rich parents.
Stalkers's Mom : We like the fact that you're name is an alphabet. I also like your awesome hair. I want your shampoo!
Stalker's Dad : I liked the way you touched all over my daughter's body in this seemingly underground street dance competition. I should be doing a background check on you or something but instead how about you come to our place.
At the house of riches...
Hrithik : All this expensive stuff is making me so excited, I think I'll go take a dip in your home coral reef pool thingy while doing a narrative. HOLY CRAP! It's a friggin fish woman!
Spanish Chick : I know! Even I was surprised that there is such a thing as home coral reef pool thingy. I wonder why there is a significant music playing in the background?
Hirthik : Should I follow her around and stare at her in slow motion or should I depend on fate to randomly arrange meetings between us, and THEN stare at her in slow motion?
Villain : BAAAH! I talk trash in an American accent. Soooo scaaaarryyyyy! BAAAAAH! By the way, the Spanish chick who I noticed you're staring at, she's my trophy wife. Don't try to steal her from me, else I'll have to chase you around for the rest of this movie ok?
Spanish Chick : I get to finally acknowledge you with a slow motion smile.
At the Bar...
Villain : How about a generic bar conversation where I tell you how I met the Spanish chick? Since I'm a generic bad guy I'll also show you how much I materialise her.
Hrithik : This gives me time to have a flashback when I ran into her and how I took interest and pity in her. There are other generic details like rain and me giving her my coat and her disappearing before I could say 'bye' ...... but you get the idea right. Time for some love song to start playing.
Hirthik and Spanish chick : <stare> <stare> <flirt>...<flirt><stare><stare>...<flirt><flirt><flirt>, and it's all in slow motion containing long distance flirting and close up flirting. And the best part is, no one is noticing despite the obviousness. What fucking morons!
Audience : The sweetness of their budding love is giving us diabetes. Good one director.
Director : YO! <poses>
Hirthik : Check it out! I have like a bazillion abs! Eh? What's that happening? Opportunity?
Villain : BAAAAH! Since I treat you like crap I might as well have a generic ego based argument with you. I shall now leave you depressed and sulking and all alone unless someone comes to your emotional aid. BOOO BAAAAH! I'm SCAAAAAAAAAAAAARYYYYYY!
Spanish chick : <sniff><sniff> I am depressed! <sulk><sulk> Wonder why my shadow is distinctly clear?
Hirthik : Check it out! It's shadow puppets sex ed!
Spanish chick : Cool! Forget sulking or being freaked out by your sudden appearance, I wanna play!

3 months later...
Hrithik : Back to me, bearded awesome haired Hrithik. I magically found the railway station where I get flashes of memory of where I last was. Since the movie has established itself having a retrace-your-path theme, I shall now perform another miracle and find a needle in a haystack metaphorically.
Station master : Hey all! If me white skin isn't enough to prove that I'm an American, I'll say 'man' at the end of my sentences. Why don't you faint and have another flashback while I recharge your cell.
Hrithik : I should've taken food, supplies, transportation or at least water while limping through that fucking desert. I hope that station guy won't go through my wallet and contact the Villain since I still carry around their visiting card for some strange reason.

3 months before...
Villain : Let me introduce you to the family business. We kill people who piss us off. Now while you recover from the shock of reality hitting you in the face, why don't you kill that upside down guy as an initiation to our family?
Upside down guy : Your hair is just awesome Hrithik. I want your shampoo!
Hrithik : Must...use....quick thinking! AHA! I shall say things that'll save your life and make me look good in front of the family. And since it worked for SRK in 'My Name is Khan' I shall talk to an American in Hindi.
Stalker's Dad : I'm impressed. Let me tell you more about the family now that's it's been revealed we're more than just stalkers. We're the generic powerful family who partially own and control everything in town. I shall end this boring speech by showing generic protectiveness over my psycho daughter.
Hirthik : Let me make a cute reference to our earlier 'marriage' and hang out with that Spanish chick all night.
Spanish Chick : Even though we can't talk to each other at all, the champagne you bought makes your intentions obvious.
Hrithik : That's correct. Let us bound over our common goals of trying to marry rich people only for money and then have the generic guy-girl-night-out-around-the-town sequence.
Spanish Chick : This bonding isn't enough. Tell me something really sad from your past.
Hrithik : OK! My Mom died! And some other sentimental details.
Spanish Chick : Though I hardly speak English, I totally understood your complex story. So let's seal this bonding by doing a generic slow motion dance out in the rain.
Hrithik : Time to drop you back home. What better time than to fully flood the audience with our emotions by sharing a kiss.
Audience : You delayed the kiss by a few seconds which seemed like hours. Thanks for making us extra horny director.
Director : YO! <poses>
Villain : BAAAAAAAH! I appear out of the blue so unexpectedly. Time to beat you up like the scary bad guy that I am.
Hrithik : NO! Our bonding is so great that I must risk pissing off a bunch of tyrants in order to save you. Let's go for that adventure!

3 months later...
Station guy : Hey bearded Hrithik man! It's time to wake up man. The Villain is here to get you man. Before I get killed by him for no apparent reason, let me just say that you have such awesome hair. I want your shampoo! Man!
Hrithik : Must use teachings of Batman and disappear to higher ground.
Villain : BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I'm scarier when I'm angry!
Station guy : Why are all your henchmen dressed in black?
Villain : Because we're coming from a funeral. NOW DIE!....ha! Were those last 2 statements ironic or just funny?
Hrithik : They can't find me, I'll jump from train to train and escape them.
Audience : HEY! Where did Hrithik's limp go?
Laws of inertia : Right here with me. The director said we both weren't required on the set for the train jump scene.
Audience : Good one director!
Director : YO! <poses>
Hrithik : What? A text message of apparent betrayal from my Spanish Chick? The only solution to this will be to first go stare at the Stalker's Parent's casino in Las vegas. Then I'll go get a gun before continuing on with the flash back. Because that's what people who get text messages from chicks who dump them do, they go buy guns.

3000000 months before...
Caveman : Og hungry! Og go find mate to make food for Og!
Rekha : OH NO! Not another Caveman trying to mate with me. How many more centuries do I have to wait before I can have an affair with Big B?

Oops, rewinded a bit too much!
Just 3 months before...
Spanish Chick : As a recap, we've just started running away together from our very powerful ex-fiances.
Hrithik : My expensive gift car has GPS that'll help the Villain get our exact location with his vast resources. So how about we exchange this car with people who I don't think will help the Villain find us since they just know the general direction in which we're going.
Spanish Chick : I don't know. It seems too awkward that we just know each other for a few days yet now we're running away by betraying a family with high level connections. I mean, I just like you as a frien...
Hrithik : I know! I shall say seemingly cute things and then we'll bond some more by talking while some gay song plays in the background.
Cops : AHA! We were able to catch up with you after those people who you exchanged your car with betrayed you by telling us the general direction in which you were travelling.
Hrithik : But how did you find our exact location on the highway?
Cops : No other car was travelling with a gay background music!
Audience : WOW! What a generic car chase! WOW! What illogical and pointless explosions! WOW! The gay song is still playing in the background!
Director : YO! <poses>
Audience : WOW! Escape in a hot air balloon in a non-James Bond movie! WOW! Hrithik topless and Spanish Chick in her undergarments. At least those 2 elements weren't generic!
Hrithik : Bazillion abs people! So let's rob a bank and hijack a car WITH the driver still inside.
Spanish Chick : Why can't we just throw the driver out?
Hrithik : Because he's the generic conveniently placed Indian out of India for comical use.
Lot of miles later...
Hrithik : Stuck in a hotel room y'all! Not this ain't a Hollywood movie, we don't have sex we just bond more.
Cops : Freeze! We magically fount you! You're under arrest!
Hrithik : Don't worry, some senseless confusion will happen and we'll escape and have another chase sequence.
Audience : HUH? What happened to all the explosions when the cop cars fly this time?
Director : Pyrotechnics cost flammable fuels. Save fossil fuels, save the earth.
Audience : .................
Director : YO! <poses>
Next day....
Hrithik : Hey! It's my generic good friend who's name no one bothers to remember. Please take Spanish chick away from me to keep her safe. Meanwhile I shall over do my crying scene.
Spanish Chick : OI! Moron! They're after me too! It's not like you're the CIA target.
Hrithik : Now that you won't leave, I shall go to plan B. Get money from Villain, escape to your village in Mexico, change wardrobe again and then marry you.
Spanish chick's family : We're opposed to our daughter marrying some foreign dude but it's ok since your hair is so awesome. I want your shampoo!
Spanish Chick : Finally! We get to have glimpses of a sex scene which'll possibly feature in the Kites Remix version.
Audience : OMG! Really? Good one director!
Director : YO! <poses>
Hrithik : Now that we're married and alone without any background music, either we'll have sex or something bad will happen. Since this is Bollywood.
Hrithik : How the bloody hell does he keep finding us?
Villain : Google maps! Now get hit with a bullet and lose consciousness from time to time for the sake of dramatic cinematography!
Hrithik : Now it's starting to make sense. We're at the station from earlier, I lose my cell phone and somehow recall this despite oozing out blood and the Spanish Chick puts me onto a train. Brilliant! But I don't know anything more, I need to end this flashback to go back to the present, learn more stuff and THEN continue the flashback.

3 months later...
Good servant of Villain : I'll tell you everything so that you can have a flashback sequence later.
Hrithik : Too bad the Villain followed you here, idiot! Now I need to kill them all! ARGH!
Villain : BOO BAAAH! WTF! I got shot!
Hrithik : BOOO BAAAH my fist you b******! WTF! Now I got shot!
Stalker : Remember me? You're just threatening to kill my Brother but I guess I'll let you go.
Hrithik : Thanks! Now I can travel to the location where the Spanish Chick rode off a cliff and cry like a sissy. Mind you, I was just shot!
Audience : So the text message where Spanish Chick seemingly left him was her suicide note? Good one director!
Director : YO! <poses>
Hrithik : OK! Enough crying. I'm dying too. I'll dive head first and land feet first into the water. HOLY CRAP! It's a friggin fish woman!
Spanish Chick : No it's me moron! I've developed gills and was waiting for you to get here!
Hrithik : Really?
Spanish : NO! We're both dead!
Hrithik : Oh....Wanna make out?
Spanish Chick : YO!

Hrithik : Wait wait wait! How come everyone wanted my shampoo?
Audience : Because you were always on the run through the desert and came across a source of water only twice but still your hair was shiney and bouncey throughout!
Hrithik : ........

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