tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35882921849544947592024-03-13T15:09:27.404+05:30Ultimate AberrationMondays & Thursdays. Sarcasm. Movies. Angst. Blah.Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-88739633479331218232015-04-02T18:31:00.002+05:302015-04-02T19:17:27.450+05:30#MyChoiceUnless<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><u>#MyChoiceUnless</u></span></h2>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>My choice to be the best of what I am, unless I'm gay</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>My choice of whom I want to date, unless your fragile culture can't bear the burden</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My choice to do whatever work I want to, unless it doesn't make me look good in the marriage market</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_DLt4NwbJmM/VR0XHtYARVI/AAAAAAAAFP8/zjRgPg0_WLQ/s1600/dowry.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_DLt4NwbJmM/VR0XHtYARVI/AAAAAAAAFP8/zjRgPg0_WLQ/s1600/dowry.png" height="640" width="564" /></a></div>
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My choice of whom I want to marry, unless Mars gets in my way</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AFZ-ABimg3c/VR0aEhfOPbI/AAAAAAAAFQQ/CY0SV4vGkMA/s1600/manglik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AFZ-ABimg3c/VR0aEhfOPbI/AAAAAAAAFQQ/CY0SV4vGkMA/s1600/manglik.jpg" height="574" width="640" /></a></div>
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My choice to have children or not, unless my Mother and Mother-in-law finally agree upon one thing</div>
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My choice to cheer for which ever team I deem worthy, unless I've to prove my undying patriotism<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SIhEyzet604/VR0SuCzsNoI/AAAAAAAAFPk/IOmPOEnFcRY/s1600/pakistan%2Band%2Bindia.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SIhEyzet604/VR0SuCzsNoI/AAAAAAAAFPk/IOmPOEnFcRY/s1600/pakistan%2Band%2Bindia.png" height="156" width="640" /></a></div>
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My choice on what food I want to eat, unless you want to "preserve" our traditions and your vote bank</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UJJ-Y9jWIP0/VR0dLfA38pI/AAAAAAAAFQw/e_LYo01O5xk/s1600/beefban.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UJJ-Y9jWIP0/VR0dLfA38pI/AAAAAAAAFQw/e_LYo01O5xk/s1600/beefban.png" height="394" width="640" /></a></div>
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My choice to drink whatever I want, unless you want to be the saint and saviour of your <strike>political agenda</strike> state</div>
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My choice to say a joke, unless it offends your sensibilities</div>
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My choice to live as a human being, unless you're just being human</div>
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My choice to become a chaiwala or PM, unless I don't belong to any political allegiance and remain a chaiwala.</div>
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My choice to become the face of women's empowerment, unless I'm an acid victim, a prostitute, a<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: left;"></span> tribal, a transgender...</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">My choice, unless I'm not privileged</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-15821365916285093872014-07-25T15:29:00.003+05:302014-07-25T15:50:31.154+05:30Chetan Bhagat at it again!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So here's what Chetan Bhagat had to say on the ever of his first film, where he was a 'screen writer', getting released.</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3rAvRH63DqQ/U9IoDi3jtcI/AAAAAAAAE-M/nh2VyDCbnoI/s1600/chetan+original+letter.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3rAvRH63DqQ/U9IoDi3jtcI/AAAAAAAAE-M/nh2VyDCbnoI/s1600/chetan+original+letter.png" height="640" width="525" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Obviously, the news channels fell in love with him and so did his fans. Since I was already in love with him, I thought I'd write something as a homage to the great man's great greatness.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'd like to thank this guy from the IBNlive website which <a href="http://ibnlive.in.com/news/my-boss-told-me-i-dont-deserve-to-be-promoted-read-author-chetan-bhagats-message-on-facebook-to-haters-it-actually-makes-a-lot-of-sense/488147-79.html" target="_blank">ran the story</a>, for his comment which gave me the idea. Thank you <b>roadhound</b>.</span><br />
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-36408013530460833272014-06-13T13:18:00.001+05:302014-06-13T14:02:59.935+05:30Protesters versus Fanatics<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image sources: <a href="http://www.unr.edu/nevada-today/news/2011/students-to-honor-president-glick-with-candlelight-vigil">Nevada Today</a>, <a href="http://tigermouseproductions.blogspot.in/">Tiger Mouse productions</a></td></tr>
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<tr> <th class="tg-9pe9"> Protester </th> <th class="tg-9pe9">Fanatic</th> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Species</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Homo Sapiens</td> <td class="tg-031e">Unknown (Closely resembles Neanderthals)</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Societal structure</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Conformist Bourgeoisie</td> <td class="tg-031e">Deity worship</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Tolerance threshold</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Extremely high</td> <td class="tg-031e">Zero</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Sense of humour</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Varies according to subject's background</td> <td class="tg-031e">Non-existent</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Weapon of choice</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Candles and Facebook</td> <td class="tg-031e">Sticks and stones</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Strength</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Intelligence</td> <td class="tg-031e">Numbers</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Vulnerability</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Numbers</td> <td class="tg-031e">Indeligunss</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Attack mantra</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Share and like</td> <td class="tg-031e">Destroy everything that isn't us</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Primary enemy</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Everyone else</td> <td class="tg-031e">Logic</td> </tr>
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<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Eventual extinction</td> <td class="tg-031e">World War 3</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-psr3" colspan="2">Process of eradication</td> </tr>
<tr> <td class="tg-031e">Disable internet connection</td> <td class="tg-031e">Decapitation</td> </tr>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-77037250587689519072014-05-16T08:44:00.000+05:302014-06-13T13:35:45.125+05:30Think society, think double standards<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, my Mom isn't as stupid as given below, but there are those out there who are. Consider these hypothetical situations after you're done rolling those indignant eyes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Mom, I'm in a stable relationship. She's an MBA graduate working in a multinational company, can cook like a boss and watches Tarantino flicks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom: </b>What religion/caste/ethnicity/skin colour is she?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Uh...the one that you don't like.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom:</b> Get married to this girl I picked for you, right now. She has been approved by the people.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> But...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom:</b> SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Several years later...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom: </b>Why do you come home late from work?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Oh that? I visit my girl friend every once in a while.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom:</b> WHA?! Does your PEOPLE APPROVED wife know?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Of course not, she'd kill me!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom: </b>Why would you cheat on her? She's a Literature graduate working in an International School, can bake like a boss and reads Camus.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>You've instilled great values in me.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.mnn.com/sites/default/files/buffet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.mnn.com/sites/default/files/buffet.jpg" height="181" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/eco-tourism/stories/6-belly-busting-over-the-top-buffets">mnn.com</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Moral of the story</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You are free to pick any item you like, from the list of items given to you by us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Fate</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom: </b>Where are you going?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> My friend, Atheist, got into an accident.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mom: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That rich spoiled brat? He was probably drinking and driving.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whatever...they're both admitted to the LootNPillage Hospital.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mom: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They?</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Atheist was with Religious, our classmate.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mom: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Looks like it's a bad time for their family. Why don't you pray at the temple for him on your way to the hospital. God works faster than you, you know.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, the accident was fast enough.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/files/nodes/3285/weapons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/files/nodes/3285/weapons.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/articles/morevna_project_anime_synfig_and_blender">Free software magazine</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Moral of the story</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you disagree with me, you're wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Legalised prostitution (aka Marriage)</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Groom's Mom:</b> Now that you're a part of our family, you must call me Mom.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Groom's Dad:</b> And you must call our house, your work place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Groom:</b> And you have to call yourself Missus Me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Bride's Dad:</b> Did I just pay for my daughter to not exist anymore?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Bride:</b> Uh, shouldn't you be paying MY Dad for my ownership and my services?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Everyone:</b> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01748/forced-marriage_1748513a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01748/forced-marriage_1748513a.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/9317841/Forced-marriage-120-cases-a-month-this-year-as-David-Cameron-outlaws-virtual-slavery.html">The Telegraph</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Moral of the story</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Marriage is all about conformity and property ownership. The relationship comes second, or third.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Hotels</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Foreign couple:</b> Hi, we'd like a room please.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Receptionist:</b> Very welcoming this way saar. We charge in $$$ by the way. Also, mosquitoes are charged, part of the experience.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Indian couple with children:</b> Hi, we'd like a room please.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Receptionist:</b> You have children so you have the right to judge us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Indian couple:</b> Hi, we'd like a room please.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Receptionist:</b> Are you married or about to be married?</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Indian couple: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Uh, yes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Receptionist:</b> I don't believe you, where is your marriage certificate? The police come and check here every night since they have no time to fight crime.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Indian couple: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Screw it, we'll have to suffer staying at relatives.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Indian boy and girl:</b> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hi, we'd like a room please.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Receptionist:</b> YOU ARE TOO YOUNG and don't know what to do! You bring western ideologies filth into my kul-chaar. Arrest them!</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Indian boy and girl: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wha?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Receptionist:</b> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!</span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbEQnJXGAs1KnPkV0-l3_hlUWDi8SVWpch490YulfNc-yb7RRC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbEQnJXGAs1KnPkV0-l3_hlUWDi8SVWpch490YulfNc-yb7RRC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/1145/they-live/">Ruthless Reviews</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><b>Moral of the story</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">If we're oppressed by rules, we'll make new ones so that we can oppress for a change.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;">Interviews</span></span></h3>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><b>Candidate #1:</b> Hi, I'm LongHaired CreativeType. Here's my impressive resume.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldman Interviewer: </b>I don't like him!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldwoman Interviewer:</b> He is already rejected.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldman Interviewer: </b>Give him a difficult question.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldwoman Interviewer:</b> Finish him!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldman Interviewer:</b> How many decibels are present between Earth and Indraprastha?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Candidate #1: </b>Sir, I don't think that's related to NotBoringJob, the one I'm applying for. Also, it doesn't make sense.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldman Interviewer:</b> GET OUT! Rascal!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldwoman Interviewer:</b> Nyext!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Candidate #2:</b> Much Goodmornings Sir and Lady Sir. I'm SidePartitioned HumanMouse. I walked in here accidentally.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oldman Interviewer: </b>You're hired!</span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.houstonpress.com/artattack/simpsons1022n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://blogs.houstonpress.com/artattack/simpsons1022n.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://blogs.houstonpress.com/artattack/2013/10/simpsons_fcc_complaints.php">Houston Press</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Moral of the story</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The old are wise and we should listen to them forever and ever and ever...</span></div>
</div>
Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-45583811118250418382014-05-13T15:40:00.000+05:302014-05-13T15:40:03.387+05:30What happens when you close bars in Kerala?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>BARS BARRED</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BREAKING NEWS! All Bars without the proper hygiene in Kerala have been SHUT DOWN! That's right, there must be cleanliness in those shady shops where we consume liquids injurious to our health but have the ability to kill most bacteria. As the crisis continues</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(and since the elections are sooo 2014, wait, what year is it?)</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, let's go to the streets to survey the situation.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RqMQ4V9PAxI/U2FUZ8Zg62I/AAAAAAAAE8E/lOO-8kyJ5J8/s1600/closed.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RqMQ4V9PAxI/U2FUZ8Zg62I/AAAAAAAAE8E/lOO-8kyJ5J8/s1600/closed.png" height="190" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Crisis Day One</b></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As men gather around the bar, waiting for it to open. But as they wake up the rooster and the sun, they realise, to their horror, that their watering hole is no more.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Random Malayali #1</b>: At first, when I saw the door closed, I thought I was at the wrong place. I was correct, as I was still in my house. Wait, what're you doing in my bathroom?</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: We've been getting drunk here for generations. Now where will we go to avoid our wives?</span></div>
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Random Malayali #2's son: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Yeah! Where will we go?</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You drink?!</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2's son: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dude, your wife's a real bitch.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That she is.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Police constable:</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Sir, maybe it's April 1st?</span></div>
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Police officer:</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"> In October?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Police constable:</b> Surprise?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Police officer:</b> Arrest everyone. Maybe if I beat the shit out of innocents, I'll feel properly lubricated in this shitty world.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But the residents of nearby houses have different opinions.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Aunty #1:</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"> Thank God those drunkards are gone!</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Aunty #2:</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;"> Drinking is such a bad habit. It is bad for the children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aunty #1:</b> So is domestic abuse.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aunty #2:</b> Wonder where all those drunkards will go to now?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Door:</b> (knock)(knock)</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(knock)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Both:</b> Uh-oh! We're married to them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Door:</b> (bang)(bang)</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(bang)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day Fore</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A few of the Malayalis, working in the Gulf countries have arrived back to their homeland for some much needed rest, relaxation and family time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Gelf Malayali:</b> Screw that shit! I'm here for the booze and the beef!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>21 seconds later...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Gelf Malayali:</b> Oh dear god! I had heard it in the news. I didn't know it was true.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> So will you be returning back to the Gelf...I mean, Gulf?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Gelf Malayali:</b> What's the point? Why should I earn money anymore?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> Sir, can't you still buy booze off the counter?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Gelf Malayali:</b> And start drinking in front of the wife when sober?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The ripples of the crisis were propagating its way down the ecosystem in other places as well. The 'thattu kadas' were particularly impacted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Shop owner:</b> Before, the men needed some place to get food after the bars closed at 11. Now that they don't have any place to be so late, my only clients are the new generation kids calling themselves 'freaks'.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Freak #1:</b> Yo dude! Dis #parotta is ossum. Imma #instagram it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Freak #2:</b> Watz yo place called? I wanna giva rating on my zomato app yo!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Shop owner:</b> Zomato? Is that a vegetable?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Freak #2:</b> Dis place aint on zomato dood!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Freak #1:</b> #EPIC #fail dude! lezz go!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Shop owner:</b> Well, with them gone, I've to close down business as well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day Se7en</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We're a week into this crisis. It seems the Malayali men have adapted to the situation.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At first, we were desperate and we brought booze home.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We thought our wives could be reasoned with and the first hour went without incident.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then we realised that we had no source of 'touchings' but our wives.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Who also had to clean up all the puke...</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...and feed the children...</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...and watch their TV serials...</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...and defend earth from aliens.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So after the first day, every husband was banned from their respective homes.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's like no one appreciates our hard work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah, you got the joke. But it was an ingenious young fisherman who came up with the ultimate solution(other than the alcohol).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We take out boats and go get drunk at sea.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We don't know if we're puking from the sea sickness or the drinking anymore.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The boat mafia is gaining power though.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also, the Italian navy has been gunning down most of the boats.</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is the Government doing anything about that?</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Malayali #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Absolutely not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With a huge number of Malayalis no longer having the will power to return to the Gulf countries, cheap labour is now going to the huge influx of Pakistan migrants who're rushing to fill in the void.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>ISI agent: </b>With all the income from the Gulf countries now flowing back into Pakistan, we finally have enough money to fund our nuclear weapons program...uh...I mean...the...um...education for girls program. Yeah, that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back in Kerala, the closure of all thattu kadas...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>ISI agent:</b> You guys bought that? That was easier than I thought.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...Thattu kadas , the sales of Parotta has plummeted severely. With no longer a market for the road side parotta, jobless activists have taken to the streets to abolish maida altogether.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Jobless activist:</b> We all know maida is harmful to the human body. Now that the Parotta lobby no longer has power over the parliament, we will take the protests to our living rooms and declare a harthal.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Jobful activist:</b> But what will we do sitting home now? All the liquor stores are at sea.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Jobless activist:</b> Well...fuck.</span></div>
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<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day XIII</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is actually very unlucky.</span></div>
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<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day XIV</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Better. The population of men in Kerala has been reduced by half due to all the Italian navy murders. The remaining men are locked away in their homes by their wives and mothers. Crime rate is now at zero.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, having toppled the maida industry, the jobless activists are now against every unhealthy food in India. The only food not under the scope are the vegetables from Tamil Nadu.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jobless activist: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everyone knows that maida is used to make the adhesive glue for posters in Kerala.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> (slap)</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jobless activist: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">DAFAQ!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> Cooked rice is also an adhesive. GOD! I just hate you self righteous know-it-alls spreading old wives tales. Has anyone checked the internet for this?</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jobful activist: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The internet says maida is harmful for your body.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> Oh...well, the internet can never be wrong. Vegetables it is then.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Due to the excess of imported vegetables from Tamil Nadu, ties between the two states have been strained and the much larger state has demanded all the water of Kerala as compensation for there being no more vegetables left in Tamil Nadu.</span></div>
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<h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">28 days later </span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After a diet of nothing but healthy vegetables, Malayalis are declared the healthiest creatures on the planet. Since the men can't go out of their houses to kill and eat animals, the herbivores of Kerala have started multiplying.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Having no one to kill, the Italian navy have started doing their job and have begun eliminating the pirates of the Indian ocean.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, the abundance of water has lead the Tamil population to make a startling discovery.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Random Tamilian #1:</b> I started after we stole the monsoon clouds from Kerala. This made sure that we'll be able to take baths every day. After a couple of days we began to notice...changes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> What sort of changes?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Random Tamilian #2</b>: Our skin colour wasn't dark like how everyone made fun of us. We are actually very light skinned.</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Tamilian #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also, we used to think daily head baths are for Malayalis. But now, we notice that our original hair colour is blonde.</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Tamilian #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And our eyes are blue. Which is something we just noticed. It doesn't have anything to go with the daily bathing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Reporter:</b> So what have to you...</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Tamilian #1: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">EHRE DEM VATER!</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random Tamilian #2: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">EHRE DEM MEISTER-RENNEN!</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Reporter: </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, that escalated rather quickly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Go check out google translate. You can't expect us to do all your work for you, lazy slob!</span><br />
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<h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day 42</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All the Malayalis from around the world have flocked back to the home land due to its perfect existence. Due to this, the literacy rate increased to 800% in Kerala, somehow. In a combined effort, Malayalis have discovered the meaning to life, the universe and everything.</span></div>
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<h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day 69</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We couldn't resist. The economies of all states in India have been decimated because of the lack of Malayali bakeries or tea stalls or shawarma restaurants. Also, the onslaught of cows from Kerala have begun to take over Southern India.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In this moment of weakness, The "People's" "Republic" of China has declared war against India and has taken over the NE states, which no one notices.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Chinese General:</b> We Chinese are all assholes and we like taking over things. It's to compensate for our tiny manhoods.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Having destroyed all the pirates in the world, the Italian Navy take over all the seas.</span></div>
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<h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crisis Day One Hundred</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pakistan has finally completed its nuclear IBM. Without any warning, the missile is launched. The missile fails to take off and detonates in Pakistan. The Pakistani high command blames India for the nuclear attack which the Indian Government condones. The US gives Pakistan a lot of money to recover and proceeds to attack the Italian navy while crying "Freedom!" at the top of their lungs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Facing imminent defeat at the hands of the Chinese, the Indian army deploys the two master races present into the war zone. The Tamil refuse since they declare their state autonomous. Malayalis refuse since it's a sunday. The cows refuse since they're cows.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While the wars wage on, all the methane created by the army of cows start to heat up the atmosphere which ignites when a passing meteorite shower shoots debris into out atmosphere.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Life on Earth, has been completed eradicated from the resulting fire.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That's why you don't shut down bars in Kerala.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Fin</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-88442951118504444432014-04-28T17:15:00.002+05:302014-04-28T18:06:19.074+05:30The Mark<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/063/4/c/creepy_smile_by_obsidianentity-d5wzz3r.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/063/4/c/creepy_smile_by_obsidianentity-d5wzz3r.jpg" height="275" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He checks himself in the mirror once again. The Mark is still as visible in reflection as it was to the naked eye.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He sits at the foot of his bed to contemplate the meaning. Over 24 hours had passed since he had made the Deal but the world outside was as dark and empty as it had before.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"How much longer do I have to wait?" he whispers to himself and the one he had made the deal with. He longed for some comfort from the only one he knew who could give him the answer. He could almost see the sly face of his sinister Demon giving false hope and trying to comfort him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe if I try and remember the Demon's face, it would appear in front of me, he thinks, shaking his head to clear his mind.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He remembers how the Demon's face used to leer at him, everywhere he looked. It had a confident smirk on it's face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I can make all the pain go away." it had hissed at him. He had chosen to ignore the face and kept on walking away. But every corner he turned, he had seen the same diabolical lips, curled in satisfaction at his utter confusion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He shakes his head, just to get a sense of reality and looks around his empty room, partially wary of another presence. He knows the Demon won't be summoned at will, it was far too powerful. He knows the only way is to while away time till the Demon realizes its end of the bargain. He looks at his Mark and then outside his window. How could a world, so full of people, be so full of darkness, he wonders.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thinking of how irreversibly damaged his reality is, gives him a new wave of confidence in his Deal. He walks over to the windows and looks outside. Had he been any normal person, he would've been looking at a scenery as mediocre as they come by. A twitch and a chill down his spine remind him of the Void which is slowly gripping the world unbeknownst to its inhabitants.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He had known of the Void the same day he had met the Demon. He'd always known there was something wrong with his world, but since no one spoke of it, he had ignored his more paranoid thoughts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That's when the Demon had appeared in his life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I can make the pain go away." he heard, from every direction. When he went outside, the Demon's face was everywhere.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I can make the pain go away."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He had tried to find refuge at home, only the Demon found a way to find him through the TV, his laptop and even Dad's morning newspaper.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I can make the pain go away."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The only solace he had received was shut in his room, breaking contact with everyone, even his family. He used to think to himself about the Void that surrounded him from all sides. He used to think about the Demon's face. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whether it was morbid curiosity or his will power giving way, he finally acknowledged the haunting face.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I can make the pain go away."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"But how? My world is so big?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Have faith in me child. All I ask in return is one small possession of yours. Something which you'll hardly mourn once it is gone."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He had almost chuckled to himself just before he had made the Deal. Of course, the Demon wanted his soul. After watching all those movies, he knew the drill. Yet, he still asked the Demon what it wanted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I think you already know." the Demon began coyly "To make your pain go away and make the world a better place, all I ask of you is your identity."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"My identity?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Your identity."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"That will make the pain go away?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"That will make the pain go away."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once again, he had decided to go ahead with the Deal without consulting someone wiser. He had made the biggest decision in his life. He had made, the Deal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"How will I know you will keep your end of the Deal?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I told you to have faith in me", the Demon had maliciously whispered into his ear "but to do away with your concern, I shall mark you. For days, you can gaze upon the mark and think about the Deal. Let it be a reminder for you."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And before he could raise a protest, the Demon was gone. The next day, he could no longer find the Demon's face lurking behind every corner. All that remained in the streets were empty shadows which only bore a vague semblance of the monster that once was. But the Void remained and loomed over the world like the stench of death itself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, he sat alone in his room, refusing company and food, waiting for when the world would change for the better as his Demon had promised.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He looks at his Mark once again, this time, a bit more closely. He tries to erase it away with his other finger but to no avail. He notices that the Mark reminds him of something, something familiar, something vicious. He focuses more and more closely on the Mark, till the whole world surrounding him vanishes and in his Mark he could finally see it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The dark Mark is exactly like the Void that surrounds him. It feeds off him. It lives off him. It is him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He stumbles back in horror when he comes to the realization that the Mark is the same as the Void and the Demon. His world will never be rid of the Void and he will never be rid of the Mark.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Fuck!", he sighs in a defeated tone "I should have just stayed home on election day."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Image courtesy: <a href="http://obsidianentity.deviantart.com/art/Creepy-Smile-357757047">http://obsidianentity.deviantart.com/art/Creepy-Smile-357757047</a></span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-85769281095537352692014-04-23T22:40:00.000+05:302014-04-23T22:40:05.637+05:30How bad roads can improve India<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A bad road isn't inefficiency. A bad road is opportunity. For whom? Stop being such a doubting pessimist!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's start from the beginning when a daddy road loves a mommy road very much and people want to drive their stupid cars to the stupid malls to do stupid people things. But when they buy their stupid car and plan their trip to the mall 20 meters away using Google Earth, they realise that the terrain between where they are and where they want to be isn't stupid car friendly.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1oUNg9jv01A/U1ULakdrB-I/AAAAAAAAE6c/GO6O8ysR8sA/s1600/civilization.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1oUNg9jv01A/U1ULakdrB-I/AAAAAAAAE6c/GO6O8ysR8sA/s1600/civilization.png" height="187" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sources: <a href="http://www.islands.com/wallpaper/rainforest-waterfall">islands.com</a>, <a href="http://ibnlive.com/">ibnlive.com</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So they plop to the ground and beat their arms and legs about for about 400 years before the Government realizes that it's election season again and they need to satiate the serfs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The government releases the Kraken and the PWD department. One is a monster that consumes endlessly and gives nothing back to society but pain and destruction, the other is the Kraken(if you didn't see that coming, you better power off your system and go lie down before you hurt yourself). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After needlessly wasting time on a survey using a stick and a packet of biscuits, they take tea breaks till the budget is exhausted.</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People harmed : None </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People benefited: The PWD</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Finally, the PWD decides to call in the specialist. The contractor!</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xs_tR34RPCo/U1X0NnP7xYI/AAAAAAAAE6s/7qjSn_rVp2I/s1600/contractor.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xs_tR34RPCo/U1X0NnP7xYI/AAAAAAAAE6s/7qjSn_rVp2I/s1600/contractor.png" height="272" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sources: <a href="http://milkthefranchise.com/1366/jason-statham-acquires-layer-cake-sequel/">milkthefranchise.com</a>, <a href="http://www.neatorama.com/2007/06/09/hard-hat-indian-style/#!FjdqK">neatorama.com</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The contractor has two objectives in life:-</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Make a profit</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Make a profit next year</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The contractor makes a huge profit by taking all the money he's gotten to build the roads, and depositing it at the bank. Then going home and taking his children's chalks, grinding it and laying it down on the ground. BAM! Insta-road!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People harmed : None </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People benefited: The PWD and their families, the contractor and his family</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In places where it rains a lot, the chalk powder will get washed away in 5 minutes. In places where it doesn't rain, the people who're starving will eat the chalk powder within 5 minutes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People harmed : None </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People benefited: The PWD, the contractor and hungry people</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Finally, you got your road and you can go to the mall, right? NO BITCH! You fall into those pot holes and break a leg! Blood every where! Wait for the ambulance. Keep screaming. Still waiting for the ambulance. Kids are taking photos of your misery with their new smart phones. Where is that ambulance? Your photos have gone viral. Just kidding! Who'd want to see your photos? Is that the ambulance?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People harmed : You</b></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People benefited: PWD, contractor, hungry people, jobless rich kids</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since the insurance system is only making it's way to India from the US, you'll be treated for your injuries. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Uh oh! It's a private hospital. So they're gonna have to run a few hundred tests on you. It's normal to check your internal organs when your hand just got severed off. Stop crying you baby!</span><br />
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People harmed : You</b></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People benefited: A LOT of rich people</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, you get the estimate for repair work of your vehicle. You instantly die of a heart attack.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People harmed : You</b></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>People benefited: A LOT of rich people and a mechanic</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So do you see why complaining about the road makes you a selfish prick? Bad roads benefit far too many people for the universe to care about your little complaints. Quit being such a spoil sport.</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-12534515863673214782014-04-17T02:34:00.000+05:302014-04-17T02:56:18.284+05:30Top 5 ways to die in India<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Note</b>: <span style="font-weight: normal;">All ratings are out of 5.</span></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></h3>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5: Poverty</span></h3>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A dire consequence of a nation which promotes arranged marriage and motherhood is that everyone procreates, no matter their ability to raise the offspring. While the quelled middle class themselves are finding it difficult to raise children in this cruel and harsh world, people of lesser financial stature are 200% ensuring that the world is a worse place bring more children into it and thus giving the said child little choice but to suffer in it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now that you are poor, let's consider your options. If you live in the city, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you live in the country side, you can die of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">hygiene problems or of starvation. If you survive in either cases, you can die of neglect by a Government who knows you won't be interested in voting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's like playing chess with yourself while sky diving without a parachute. The only way you can win is by losing, and then you'll die.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you do get above the ever descending poverty line, don't forget that inflation will beat you to it.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iSh1iRE15yI/U07p_2vbNyI/AAAAAAAAE54/oIKs2OdLPdw/s1600/hare+and+t.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iSh1iRE15yI/U07p_2vbNyI/AAAAAAAAE54/oIKs2OdLPdw/s1600/hare+and+t.png" height="269" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://thesyndian.blogspot.in/2010_06_01_archive.html">The Syndian</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awesomeness: <span style="font-size: x-large;">☺</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Publicity: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Style</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mess: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></h3>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#4: Shame</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Marrying someone you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wearing what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Studying what you wanted to? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eating what you wanted to? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Earning what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Car not expensive enough?</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No children? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not enough children? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dark skin? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Short? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Too much hair? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Too little hair? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Born at the wrong time? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Still alive? </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Log kya kahenge?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All of the above questions has two solutions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sem7WZDaSRg/U061gvqCmkI/AAAAAAAAE44/uwwzWyQQmgc/s1600/suicide.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sem7WZDaSRg/U061gvqCmkI/AAAAAAAAE44/uwwzWyQQmgc/s1600/suicide.png" height="295" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">OR</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0M4ggOvMqzM/U0616q_IX4I/AAAAAAAAE5I/XsIsbHUrchs/s1600/death.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0M4ggOvMqzM/U0616q_IX4I/AAAAAAAAE5I/XsIsbHUrchs/s1600/death.png" height="295" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Image sources: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://ragemaker.net/">http://ragemaker.net/</a>, <a href="http://ibnlive.in.com/photogallery/2196.html">IBNlive.com</a>, <a href="http://www.ngpod.cn/special/India.html">ngpod.cn</a>, <a href="http://www.investwithalex.com/guillotine-sales-about-to-surge/">investwithalex.com</a></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awesomeness: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Publicity: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Style</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mess: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#3: Accidents</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rules are for losers. Work is for idiots. So let's leave our work half done and break all the rules to do what is convenient for us. But if someone else does it, damn that person's soul to hell.
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course, this causes just a minor problem known as inefficiency. This leads to even minor life threatening pit falls where someone loses a life. Yes, it's all fun and games till someone drowns, or falls off a building, or a building falls on them, or gets hit by a car, or simply forgot to pay the dowry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As a service to you, I've already Googled 'accident' and found the images to be quite fascinating. You can do it yourself and think about what people will be talking about seeing your body in that condition.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awesomeness: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Publicity: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Style</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mess: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#2: Religion</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Go ahead and make any reference towards any religion and/or their religious head(s). In a country where the right to religion(no qualification required) is more important than right to speech will lead to the most religious people having the grace of a blind club wielding gorilla riding atop a deranged rhinoceros on cocain. All you need to do is to point a question of "Why?" at the monster or even not be doing anything at all. What will follow is torture(physical and mental) followed by ostracization be all your peers, family and friends since it obviously is your fault.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Forget that all of the 'beliefs' are based on what your parents parroted to you, it's not your belief and your righteous indignation is righteous. More people have lost body parts, lives and loved ones in the name of the random events that you have no control of (aka god) than accidents, honour killings and poverty combined. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Are those statistics accurate? You insult my god! Prepare to die. </span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nkTB40WTzIk/U07v7D7PbMI/AAAAAAAAE6I/5pXVlTW5BAY/s1600/cause+god.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nkTB40WTzIk/U07v7D7PbMI/AAAAAAAAE6I/5pXVlTW5BAY/s1600/cause+god.png" height="400" width="231" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awesomeness: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Publicity: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Style</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mess: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#1: Girl</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A girl is not what is going to get you killed, I meant you should simply BE a girl. From female infanticide to honour killings and beyond, women in India find it way easier to die than the opposite sex. Here are a couple of easy steps:-</span></div>
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Born as a girl</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you survived step 1, do something which you are told shouldn't be done.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you survived step 2, make sure that you're not a man or if you got the wrong country.</span></li>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DBI0TUqB9Bs/U069Bk4qelI/AAAAAAAAE5Y/ToagvP5yG5g/s1600/welcome+to+india.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DBI0TUqB9Bs/U069Bk4qelI/AAAAAAAAE5Y/ToagvP5yG5g/s1600/welcome+to+india.png" height="487" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.dollsofindia.com/product/people-posters/welcome-reprint-on-paper-QP36.html">Dolls of India</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awesomeness: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Publicity: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Style</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mess: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">☺</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So remember, if you're planning to die in India, make it count.
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-51220490843153981592014-04-09T12:20:00.000+05:302014-04-09T12:25:04.855+05:30Bollywood cliches that must stop<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before I start ranting, I must note to one and all that I AM aware that every other film industry, especially Hollywood, employs the use to cliches in lieu of intelligent screenwriting as well. If your first reaction to the below cliches is "then tell us Hollywud also use clinches no?", kindly go punch yourself in the groin till your respective Bollywood idol walks up to you and tells you to stop.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So let's crack on, shall we?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The choreographed dance sequence</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes, this is a cliche. I know songs are put in movies to make extra money, but they are all now generic, lacking substance and easily digestible by all. So is baby food.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once in a while you have the dream sequence and/or the making of a music video excuse to crow bar in a song or two(the latter a brilliant example of coordination as the entire song is taken in a single take). In any other case, it's just down right annoying to have the continuity broken by some dancing and singing to as to keep those people who hate all the talking, entertained and interested.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>The club scene</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The most common excuse for a song sequence these days is the club scene. Although this is as close to reality as the Lock Ness monster.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-otNrGD-_oQ0/U0PZcs4QNxI/AAAAAAAAE3s/6qwwgqOxsUM/s1600/dance+steps.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-otNrGD-_oQ0/U0PZcs4QNxI/AAAAAAAAE3s/6qwwgqOxsUM/s1600/dance+steps.jpg" height="215" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What Bollywood tells us that happens in clubs<br />
Source:<a href="http://www.tr3s.com/music/artists/shaanvasundhara-dasloy-mendonsashankar-mahadevanabhishek-bachchanpreity-zintashah-rukh-khanr/videos/wheres-the-party-tonight-842805"> tr3s.com</a></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--mQjjc-NtqI/U0PZ25oXrOI/AAAAAAAAE30/uFNFOivzrXY/s1600/Party+photos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--mQjjc-NtqI/U0PZ25oXrOI/AAAAAAAAE30/uFNFOivzrXY/s1600/Party+photos.jpg" height="242" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What actually happens in clubs<br />
Source: <a href="http://archives.deccanchronicle.com/130729/lifestyle-offbeat/article/where%E2%80%99s-party-tonight">Deccan Chronicle archives</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you want to do a music release of the movies and have more cash to stuff into your mattress, I suggest you make it subtle and play it over a montage or something. If you make the characters dance and sing like a bunch of circus animals, I'm going to assume you're an idiot and hate all your future releases.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everyone sings</b></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6ylo3v_IcBM/U0OyG0RjddI/AAAAAAAAE3M/EO5vsT3yFZQ/s1600/singing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6ylo3v_IcBM/U0OyG0RjddI/AAAAAAAAE3M/EO5vsT3yFZQ/s1600/singing.jpg" height="248" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who the hell is playing the background music? And how can they hear anything being on a train?<br />
Source: <a href="http://www.bollywoodeye.co.uk/catch-the-chennai-express-train-this-august/">Bollywood Eye</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let us assume that the participants have been meeting over the weekends to practice the moves for the dance and make it seem impromptu. What about the singing?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All those songs and I didn't see one instance of someone busting out their Bose speakers for background music. Do they live in a reality where they all can simultaneously hear karaoke music in their heads or do they just sing without music?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Action sequence</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Phuck Physics</b></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://media.heavy.com/media/2013/02/badassgifs5.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://media.heavy.com/media/2013/02/badassgifs5.gif" height="139" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seat belts save lives...oh wait.<br />
Source: <a href="http://www.heavy.com/entertainment/2013/02/the-10-most-badass-bollywood-stunt-gifs/">Heavy.com</a></td></tr>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ZOMG! That's so mind blowing that my mind is blown wonly. The epitome of what Bollywood would do to garner cheap applause while keeping the audience dumb enough for the next movie which divorces itself from physics. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And you make fun of Rajini Kanth, hypocrites!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Unlimited stamina!</b></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-txP4edD84fA/U0PRY3LQVBI/AAAAAAAAE3c/Nr-MnkA98HA/s1600/chase+equence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-txP4edD84fA/U0PRY3LQVBI/AAAAAAAAE3c/Nr-MnkA98HA/s1600/chase+equence.jpg" height="135" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The hurdles leg of the Bollywood Ironman challenge<br />
Source:<a href="http://dooleyonline.typepad.com/bollywood/2013/11/5-favorite-bollywood-chase-scenes-featuring-shah-rukh-khan.html"> dooleyonline.com</a></td></tr>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Next time you see a chase scene in the movie, time it and try running at your top speed for the same amount of time. If you succeed, congrats! You're really in shape. In most cases, it'll bring you to the stark reality of having to run for your life without getting tired AT ALL!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What's their secret? Gatorade? The star from Mario? Multiple takes? Unless the characters involved in the chase are established as long distance runners, I'm not buying this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The script</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know the script is the least funded element of the movie, as opposed to the main actors' ego. After a while, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Character arc - The Male</strong></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong><br /></strong></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">There are only two character transformations for a male protagonist. The most popular being turning from <b>demi god to god status</b>. Most of this doesn't involve using the brain in any which way. Thus giving the message to children out there that any problem can be solved by punching it away. This most definitely won't lead to a violent generation of men. But smoking is totally fatal yo!</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://media.movietalkies.com/posters/bollywood/movies/2011/bodyguard/bodyguard-2011-2b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://media.movietalkies.com/posters/bollywood/movies/2011/bodyguard/bodyguard-2011-2b.jpg" height="320" width="220" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All this and I'm just being <strike>god</strike> human<br />
Source: <a href="http://media.movietalkies.com/posters/bollywood/movies/2011/bodyguard/bodyguard-2011-2b.jpg">movietalkies.com</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">The more recent character arc which is unfortunately the <b>coming of age saga</b> where a boy(read: Ranbir Kapoor) starts his journey as a happy person and ends up being married and shit. Why can't the person show responsibility by paying his taxes or helping his Mom do the dishes or something?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://wallpapers.oneindia.in/ph-1024x768/2014/02/ragini-mms-2_139140701600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://wallpapers.oneindia.in/ph-1024x768/2014/02/ragini-mms-2_139140701600.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Coming of age movie?<br />
Source: <a href="http://wallpapers.oneindia.in/bollywood-movies/sunny-leone-ragini-mms-2/wallpapers-e41597-p13624.html">One India wallpapers</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span>
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span></strong><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Character arc - The Female</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span></strong></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">There are only two ways a female protagonist can evolve her character. One is the common <strong>nerd to fun loving type, </strong>aka, she let her hair down and took off her glasses female character arc.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UdSY8bbgbDs/U0QMg0VzmTI/AAAAAAAAE4U/msklZ96SqBo/s1600/deepika.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UdSY8bbgbDs/U0QMg0VzmTI/AAAAAAAAE4U/msklZ96SqBo/s1600/deepika.png" height="400" width="346" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sources: <a href="http://www.rediff.com/movies/slide-show/slide-show-1-pix-ddepika-padukone-s-hottest-sari-avatars/20130513.htm">Rediff.com</a> and <a href="http://www.missmalini.com/2013/06/15/wip-get-this-look-deepika-padukones-yjhd-outfits/">missmalini.com</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Another is the Slut whore bitch to Indian woman metamorphosis. The Slut whore bitch creature would include characteristics like drinking, smoking, wearing clothes burnt by Gandhi and bringing attention to herself. The Indian woman would mostly stand in """traditional""" Indian wear(there aren't enough "s) while folding her hands over her crotch, you know, since the opposing team is about to take a free kick.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcReHGaAIf5L-7qYYgJRe90y5FThIFKovhU2A8TUBzwsZ_e7i1bhug" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcReHGaAIf5L-7qYYgJRe90y5FThIFKovhU2A8TUBzwsZ_e7i1bhug" width="231" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now there's a shy Indian women dressed traditionally and conservatively (till nightfall)<br />
Source: <a href="http://hotactress-photos.com/shakeela-new-sexy-photos-in-saree/">Hot actress photos</a> (Apparently)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span></strong><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Where are your parents?</strong></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong><br /></strong></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No seriously, where are they in most of these stories? Do you know how weird that would be in real life?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fvm0PrEOZmQ/U0TSGsDZt5I/AAAAAAAAE4k/0iUjpbfOkjs/s1600/saifeena.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fvm0PrEOZmQ/U0TSGsDZt5I/AAAAAAAAE4k/0iUjpbfOkjs/s1600/saifeena.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How I met your mother, but both if us don't exist<br />
Source: <a href="http://apne.tv/news/Bollywood/248/It%27s-confirmed%3A-Saif,-Kareena-to-tie-the-knot-on-16-October.html">Apne.tv</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The actors</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></strong>
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">'Super' 'stars'</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></strong>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm tired of these mudda fuggin' stars in these mudda fuggin' movies! We get it, you're a big star, everyone loves you. You don't have to slyly refer to the fact in your movies. The fact that you still are making movies should be enough for someone sans inferiority complex.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So enough of the references towards older and more credible movies, hero shots, protracted intro shots, 100 feet tall bill boards and temples. You made money off of us, you made decent movies, you aren't a bad human being(well, some of you). Now go make headlines by having a spectacular death and being immortalized for the same.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the end of the day, it's the fault of the 'fans' for injecting so much of self obsession into their 'idols'. Did you know that those rich people wouldn't look in your direction even if you threw yourself at them naked?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/d3j-e9uHfR4/0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/d3j-e9uHfR4/0.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ya ya, you love me, I'm awesome. Now talk to the hand<br />
Source: <a href="http://article.wn.com/view/2014/02/17/Thank_you_for_the_love_SRK_to_fans_in_Malaysia_j/">wn.com</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Younger roles</span></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If Leo Dicaprio can't do it, then you probably shouldn't either. The term 'suspension of disbelief' </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">is already proverbially stretched thin as it is. Please spare us of your delusional ego trip where you get surgery and you'll live for a couple of more decades or so.</span></div>
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BWCttvcLFRA/U0QF81HpU1I/AAAAAAAAE4E/Qngp1AiZe2c/s1600/young+actors.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BWCttvcLFRA/U0QF81HpU1I/AAAAAAAAE4E/Qngp1AiZe2c/s1600/young+actors.png" height="400" width="316" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1187043/">Imdb.com</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The movie</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Sequels and remakes</b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.indianexpress.com/m-images/Mon%20Sep%2030%202013,%2014:17%20hrs/M_Id_425009_Dhoom3-poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://static.indianexpress.com/m-images/Mon%20Sep%2030%202013,%2014:17%20hrs/M_Id_425009_Dhoom3-poster.jpg" height="193" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remember back when trilogies were good? Me neither.<br />
Source: <a href="http://archive.indianexpress.com/news/dhoom-3-aamir-khan-katrina-kaif-in-the-motion-poster/1176332/">The Indian Express archives</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The ultimate evidence that we, as a country, are henceforth artistically bankrupt. That and the fact that we haven't put down Uday Chopra. It also proves that we've reached the pinnacle of going the safe way, ie, reusing tried and tested formula over and over again. But what do those discussions in those boardrooms go like?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"I got it! I have a fresh idea. We can make a movie about...pants!"</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Pants?"</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Everyone wears pants. It's topical!"</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"You sure about this?"</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Nah, let's remake/make a sequel to Zanjeer."</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Right, borrow credibility when we have none."</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Ripping off Hollywood</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.iimg.in/c/5316c449e4eed4aa54953eeb-8-400-300-1394000992/is-bollywood-desperately-copying-hollywood.img" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://images.iimg.in/c/5316c449e4eed4aa54953eeb-8-400-300-1394000992/is-bollywood-desperately-copying-hollywood.img" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This happened? How desperate can you be fools?<br />
Source: <a href="http://ww.itimes.com/poll/is-bollywood-desperately-copying-hollywood">itimes.com</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Despite all the criticism towards Hollywood and hatred towards the 'aping the west' concept, Bollywood seems to love the idea. When not making sequels and remakes of older, better Bollywood movies, producers now seem to think it's good idea to make unauthorized remakes of older better Hollywood movies.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At this point, we all know it's no longer about the creativity and originality as we get one of those types per year. By repeatedly feeding the audience dribble, it has become the standard, which, by any perspective, is currently cub par.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How's this for a fresh idea - If you don't have any idea as to what to make for your next movie, go home and not spend your money.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Can you think of anymore movie cliches floating around(or flowering up) these days. I'd like to make a video of these things.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-31400410732147508182014-04-07T17:15:00.002+05:302014-04-07T17:27:45.805+05:30BJP Manifesto: First draft<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EpWDYUSOsq8/U0KSde0nhgI/AAAAAAAAE20/nNN7CP_imd8/s1600/MMM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EpWDYUSOsq8/U0KSde0nhgI/AAAAAAAAE20/nNN7CP_imd8/s1600/MMM.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All image sources: Wikipedia for Modi, Indian Cow and Ayodhya.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Form a coalition Government to gain power. <a href="http://crocodileinwatertigeronland.tumblr.com/post/81954818049">Blame allies</a> for not keeping up most of the promises mentioned below.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Growth growth and more growth. How? Viagra, that's how.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We must rebuild Ram Temple in Ayodhya (It's not that this'll be the ultimate talking point)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We must nuke Chiang Mai as they claim the ruins in the location to be that of Ayuthayya. We all know there is only one Ayodhya.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every history text book will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every book will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every license plate number will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sex can only be performed for procreation.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sex can only be performed in the missionary position.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There will be zero tolerance against terrorists and terrorism in general. That is all. No further details on the implementation of that statement.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Beef will be banned along with the state of Kerala, which'll henceforth be considered as a part of Pakistan.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every household will raise a Cow and pray to the cow everyday. Cow can be purchased from the Government at subsidised rates. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maintenance of the Cow will be the responsibility of the household.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Any property found without a Cow will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Any property found with the Cow deceased due to natural or unnatural causes will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Any property found with the owners having committed suicide due to the inability to bear the costs of a Cow will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">English will be a banned language. All movies, books and logic in English will henceforth be considered hazardous for the country.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The word 'Secular' will be replaced with 'Homosexual'.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The inflation and other economic things can be solved by prayer and doing the same thing the Congress claims they'll do. Except they won't do it. And neither will we.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every good thing will be a by product of Team Modi.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every bad thing will be a by product of UPA.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every random thing will be a by product of AK-49.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All sexual deviants must be removed from the nation so as to prevent un-Hinduisation. They will all be given tickets to leave the country, courtesy Malaysian Airlines.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All atheists will be sent to Saudi Arabia.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All Muslims <strike>can go die</strike> <strike>will be ignored</strike> <strike>will be thrown a bone to chew on</strike> will be personally hi-fied by Modi.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All puppies will be lined up and a road roller ran over them.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All those without a photo of Modi in their house, will be given a free Modi tattoo.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All Indian Muslims are to be traded with Pakistan Hindus by the end of the year. There are exceptions to this rule:</span></li>
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AR Rahman can stay as he has won an Oscar award. But awards from the US are useless to us. But since he won it eitherways...</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">APJ can stay since everyone likes him. Also, he follows the Vedas which makes him more of a Hindu.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Farhan Aktar can stay if he wins the Film Fair awards.</span></li>
</ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All citizens are urged to not question any of the above mandates, under threat of political isolation and fusion with Pakistan.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All citizens will be mandated to supply their iron, mud and bones for constructing the over sized statues of Freedom fighters approved by the party. Each monument will built at the capitals of the rebelling states.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hindu hindu hindu growth growth? Growth growth Modi growth, Modi Modi. Modi Hindu Modi Modi. Modi!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MODI!</span></li>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ab ki bar, Modi Sarkar.</span></div>
</div>
Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-63140764306230033232014-04-03T00:10:00.000+05:302014-04-03T09:42:50.985+05:30The syllabus of life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong></strong></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sKphZWokzZk/Uzvib9JMbvI/AAAAAAAAE2k/ttB5bGNuUv4/s1600/syllabus_of_life2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sKphZWokzZk/Uzvib9JMbvI/AAAAAAAAE2k/ttB5bGNuUv4/s1600/syllabus_of_life2.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<ol>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">Birth</span></strong>: Commonly known as the number one cause of death. Once propelled to this existence, there is little that is comprehensible about it. The entire concept was not within your control and your ability to have any control of the life that follows depends on your ability to communicate, which is rather difficult since the concept of communication is one of the things that is incomprehensible. Through no fault of your own, you're already hated by a larger part of the population due to aspects you had absolutely no control over and can't change as long as you exist. One's best bet, if one were to survive this stage, is the intelligence level of those who spawned the person.</span></div>
</li>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">School</span></strong>: The show box demo program used to condition the participants into the ideal survivors in the real world whilst simulating none of the characteristics themselves. The conductors of this institution of mass hypnosis and conveyor belt factory are burdened with the task of removing any blemish from the unwilling products, whether they cause any damage or advantage. Authority is imposed, whether it remains corrupt or otherwise, in a manner such that the limitations of thought is enforced for the remainder of the existence. This stage will yield the perfect robot, one which looks and thinks like every other future cog in the machine based on narrow criteria laid out by those requiring cogs for their machines.</span></div>
</li>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">College</span></strong>: The glorified version of school where one needs to specialize on one's ability for the rest of one's life. While selecting a suitable curriculum is indeed a difficult task, it has to be done by someone who still hasn't grown into adulthood nor has any experience with the real world so as to take all that into thought. In most cases, most of the decisions are already laid out in the simple Yes or No format, with each answer creating a tangent from the decision maker's former life. Any and all knowledge acquired will hardly be used later in life. Every experience will shape the individual permanently.</span></div>
</li>
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<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">Job</span></strong>: The end result of the pointless competition and yard stick measurements, is to obtain the ability to slowly kill one's brain cells over five days consecutively so that they can be killed off much faster over the course of the next two days in an assortment of ways. This stage brings death closer to the person, not due to the physical or mental damage imposed, but due to the warped perspective of time. The person now tries to survive nearly 70 percent of the their time so as to find solace in the remainder of the 30 percent of the time. On fear of the 30 percent time running out soon due to excessive rest periods and self indulgence, the overall time spent would seem lesser in hindsight while stretched out when happening. The stigma of obtaining a job that would benefit oneself rather than the machine can be dealt in outdated ideologies of success and procuring a life partner.</span></div>
</li>
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<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">Marriage</span></strong>: Conveyed as the ultimate reason for one's existence so as to remove any remaining semblance of individuality due to new found responsibility and life style adjustments. Portrayed as the finish of the race the person has been running till this point of their lives, it can easily be made mandatory via threats of a sad and lonely existence to trivial back up plans of future ailments and difficulties. Unlike the previous institutions, this brain washing occurs in a more subtle and thus substantial manner. As before, the choices dealt, for someone who elects to invest in this scheme are once again limited to one's performances in the previous stages. The best bet is the intelligence level of those who spawned you, though they themselves are crippled in their freedom due to unknown reasons.</span></div>
</li>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">Children</span></strong>: If forced undergo the legal prostitution process, within time, one will have to indulge the voices of the machine into furthering the species. Once again, the brain washing occurs in a subtle manner whilst being portrayed as the ultimate stage of human development. This is the final stage to ensure complete and utter obedience to the system by removing all stains of individual radiance by shifting focus unto another, much more vulnerable life form. Once this stage is survived, including repeated progeny as per mass instruction, the individual will indeed gain the ultimate form of no longer being an individual, but rather an absolute part of the membrane that leverages on it's sheer size to as to ensconce all of the harsh reality by creating a prison state. As an added advantage, offspring are also the best retirement plans as the machine and the membrane, though omnipresent, are entirely unreliable and unconditionally selfish in their agenda.</span></div>
</li>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong><span style="color: red;">Retirement</span></strong>: An otherwise uneventful point in one's life where the machine deems the person as no longer with the ability to self repair to as to keep it running. Continuing to survive till the last stage depends on the investments one made across all the previous stages with special weightage for the last few stages. The complete serenity and freedom which one has always wished for is finally obtained, although several years of mental conditioning has left one impaired to enjoy it.</span></div>
</li>
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<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">Death</span></strong>: The best possible way to slowly peter out of existence without causing much ripples. The point where one is showered generously with praises and becomes accepted in the hearts and minds of all unanimously due to the irreversibility of the process. The ultimate acceptance which one always yearned for is finally achieved albeit at the cost of one's permanent absence from all festivities.</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">PS: This post is dedicated to you. That's right, YOU. If you've chanced upon this blog, then I'm safe to assume that you have a idea about the syllabus of life and have sometimes even made attempts to escape it. Here's wishing the both of us luck and the hope that in the meantime, I can at least entertain you. Cheers!</span><br />
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-3118059001979578432014-03-31T17:01:00.001+05:302014-03-31T17:06:02.894+05:30How to beat the Monday blues<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vq-QpR0Bz0M/UzlRw7OT5XI/AAAAAAAAE1o/ydN7pKg-R30/s1600/dec09-rings-mondayblues.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vq-QpR0Bz0M/UzlRw7OT5XI/AAAAAAAAE1o/ydN7pKg-R30/s1600/dec09-rings-mondayblues.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.dmu.edu/dose/2013/07/beat-the-monday-blues/">Some Des Moins University page</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Call in sick [Level: <span style="color: yellow;">Novice</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Yes?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Boss! I have a terrible headache.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What was that?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I said that I have a terrible stomach ache.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Okay.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: So because of my terrible back pain, I won't be coming to office.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: I wish you had at least tried to come up with a good excuse.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I couldn't put my mind to coming up with something better due to this terrible neck pain.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: Boss thinks you're an idiot.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Someone died [Level: <span style="color: yellow;">Beginner</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Yes?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Boss! My paternal Grandfather's maternal Uncle's only nephew's daughter-in-law's husband's Mother's only grandchild is dead.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: That's terrible, I'm sorry for your loss. (yawn)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: So I can't come to office.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Of course you can't, you're dead.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Wait...oh!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, grievance leave.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: Have to pretend to be sad, ghost of the person whom you killed will haunt you, Boss thinks you're a liar.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Marriage [Level: <span style="color: yellow;">Medium</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What is it?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I'm getting married.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Whoa, when did this...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: It was all too sudden.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Congrats, what's the bride's name?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Well, uh....it's....<span style="font-size: xx-small;">where's the damn invitation card?...</span><span style="font-size: small;">she's from a nice family...and...her...name is....VINAY!</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: That's your name.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I knew that.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, you're now married.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: You're now married.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Threaten nuclear strike [Level: <span style="color: orange;">North Korea</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: You again?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I won't come to office today.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What? Why?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: If you ask me, I shall have to retaliate with my full nuclear capabilities.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What the hell are you talking about?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Don't tempt me Boss. I won't hesitate to blow you and your company away.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Look man, I don't have time for this.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: You've given me no choice...시작 발사 순서!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ....(hangs up)....</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, you've learnt Korean.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: Possible unemployment, institutionalization at an asylum.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kidnapped [Level: <span style="color: orange;">Not bad</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Stop calling me!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Boss! I don't have much time. They've got me!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What? Who?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: They've kidnapped me Boss.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: WHA?!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: They've demanded that the Company pay up a ransom of 10% of my current salary.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Uh...mfff...Hello? I can't hear you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: They just want a 10% increase. Please, they've worked so hard in kidnapping me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss:</strong> See, they weren't proactive in their kidnapping. They also were in the same category of different kidnappers who'd kidnapped the CEO of the company. Relative performance wise, I felt...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: What're you talking about?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ... (hangs up) ...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, adventures lie ahead.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: Possible death, no hike, multiple leaves.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suicide [Level: <span style="color: orange;">Committed</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: WHAT?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I'm gonna do it boss.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: I don't care.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I'm gonna kill myself.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Whatever!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I've written your name in my suicide note.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: WAIIII...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: .......</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, Boss doesn't get hike, FaceBook attention.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: Certain death, no more salary.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Religion [Level: <span style="color: red;">Invincible</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I can't come to office today.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What're you...why?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: 'Cause GOD!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Okay.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, messiah complex.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: Crucifixion.</span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Assassination [Level: <span style="color: red;">Badass</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: Please don't come to office anymore!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Do you see a red dot on your shirt?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What is that?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Now watch as it moves to your shoulder.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What...you...OW! FUCK! SOME ONE SHOT ME! SOME ONE SHOT ME!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Damn straight.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: FUUUUUCK...I'M BEING SH.......</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Rest in peace bitch.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong><u><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></u></strong> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, alternate career option, being a bad ass.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: ABSOLUTELY NONE.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nuclear strike [Level: <span style="color: red;">Hardcore</span>]</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Hello? Boss?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ...OT AT! AAAAAH!.... Wait, where am I?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: I won't come to office today.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What's going on...who is this?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: You have 10 seconds before a IBM, aimed at your crotch, hits it's mark.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: What the hell are you talking about?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Inter Ballistic Missile. You should've figured this out from all the time you spend on Wikipedia. 3 seconds.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will....</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Irradiate in peace bitch.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, being a hard core bad ass.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: World War III.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Warp reality [Level: <span style="color: #eeeeee;">God</span>]</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me: </strong>Hello? Boss?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ......</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: That's right, you no longer exist.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ......</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: Also, Mondays no longer exist.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ......</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: But since Tuesdays became the new Mondays, I'd to get rid of Tuesdays as well. Then Wednesdays and so on and so forth till nothing exists.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: .......</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: .........Well, this isn't as interesting as I thought it'd be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Boss</strong>: ........</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: FINE! Let there be light!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Pros</u></strong>: Monday avoided, you are now God.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><u>Cons</u></strong>: God now exists.</span><br />
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-14023357897898922022014-03-27T03:06:00.001+05:302014-03-30T10:51:00.164+05:30Two German girls versus Indian men<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lwtJ7jctipA/UzFcTkjbruI/AAAAAAAAE1Q/Jhg-u21SrCk/s1600/germany+vs+india.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lwtJ7jctipA/UzFcTkjbruI/AAAAAAAAE1Q/Jhg-u21SrCk/s1600/germany+vs+india.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2 countries, now in bookstores near you</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These are actual events which happened when two German girls, Ollie and Sophie, had come down to India for a month long stay. They stayed at my place for a weekend, which is when they shared these stories about the creepy Indian men. I'm deliberately leaving out the locations so as to not sound prejudiced towards any geography.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Prologue: Mr.Beard and his elbow</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Upon entry into this country of mystique and adventures, our heroines retire at a hostel. Not being one to be un-savvy in the form of internet communication, Ollie borrows the hostel owner's laptop and begins to google about the Kamasutra.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Along comes Mr.Beard. Mr.Beard had a beard. He also had two arms, each equipped with one elbow. Mr.Beard and his arms settle right next to Ollie for no specific reason what so ever. Ollie smiled at him since she was polite.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Mr.Beard, whips out his elbow and begins rubbing it against Ollies arm to generate static electricity through friction. He realized that his other arm was free and felt sad for the lonely little hand. So he decided to transfer the gained static electricity to his crotch by completing the circuit. Ollie was confused with the experiment and asked Mr.Beard to explain it to her, since she's a girl and doesn't understand science. Mr.Beard was generating far too much electricity to explain to laymen about his experiment and continued in the name of progress and science.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Ollie, being polite, didn't want to hurt Mr.Beard's feelings and ever so politely told him that she's leaving. Mr.Beard, being the politer one, stopped his experiment and offered to leave himself to conduct further experiments with his lightning rod. Ollie was amused.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Mr.Beard later popped out of a cupboard under the stairs fanning himself and being fully contempt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The lifeguard who wanted chaat</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ollie and Sophie check into another sea side location. They meet a friendly lifeguard. A life guard usually runs in slow motion and saves people from drowning. It was night and the life guard didn't have anyone to save as everyone had already drowned. Instead the life guard was talking to Ollie and Sophie. He seemed like a really nice guy, and all the married women know that when he seems like a nice guy, he really isn't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ollie and Sophie didn't know any Hindi, so they were confused when the lifeguard switched to Hindi and asked them if they'd like to eat chaat. Ollie and Sophie knew what chaat was and they'd read from their guides to India that it must be tried. Their excitement and anticipation was met with even more Hindi and even more mentions of 'chaat'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">It then occurred to our travelers that it's too late in the night for any establishment to be selling chaat. When asking the lifeguard about where they would get the chaat, he mistook the question as to how. How what? Well, how to 'chaat'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">He demonstrated by miming eating an ice cream cone. Little did they know that chaat wasn't being used as a noun, but as a verb. Getting the gist of the situation and the lifeguard's request, Ollie and Sophie leave the vicinity to go back to their rooms having not eaten chaat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Intermission</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">When Ollie had met one of my friends, she'd asked the cliched question of how she finds India. Ollie replied with "How is India for a woman?". I knew where this was going and changed the flow. She later told me at some point "I used to complain about Germany, but now after coming to India, Germany's not so bad".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A travel companion</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ollie took the bus and was feeling rather lonely sitting in the back seat. The dilemma was that no one who has any idea of how buses function in India would sit in the back seats. But Ollie had a huge backpack which she couldn't leave anywhere else.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Enter the Hero, to save Ollie from her loneliness. The Hero had good English, much like Ollie and hence could communicate well with her. Ollie was happy to finally have someone to talk to and not just stare at her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Hero asked her where she was from and she told him that she was from Germany. Hero asked her where she was off to and she told him that she was traveling to Cochin. Hero asked her how long she was in India and she told him that she'll be around for a total of one month. Hero asked her whether she would like to fuck him and she told him that he should go sit somewhere else.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">It's still not sure if it was Ollie's politeness or the fact that she actually looked like she can take him on, but Hero left so as to provide another lonely traveler with his company. Ollie spent the rest of the journey to Cochin without fretting the fact that no one was sitting next to her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Temple run (Best story)</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sophie traveled to a small town and went to check out the local temple. She met many other travelers in the town where she stayed who warned her about the guy who stares at women in the temple. Having dealt with several of them before, Sophie confidently marches into the temple.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">In the corner, sat the man in question. Much like what they'd already told her, he was staring at her intently. Much like they hadn't told her, he was masturbating, also intently.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Having seen such a scene for the first time, Sophie had no idea as to how she should react. So she picked up the nearest stones and began to pelt the intent little man. When that didn't help to shoo him away, she decided to approach a person of authority, a tactic which has thus far proven spectacularly ineffective in India.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">She was trying to communicate to the temple poojari of the incident and he either pretended to not comprehend or didn't. Then Sophie, who's English isn't bad at all, happens to mention the word 'penis'. The poojari immediately blows up in a mixture of embarrassment and indignation. He frantically motions Sophie to make herself scarce so that he can get back to doing poojari things, evidently activities not dealing with the male genitalia.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">To this day, Temple Boy lurks the darker corners of the religious establishment, as though forming a metaphor, ready to pounce on the next hapless non-penis bearer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Telecommunications</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ollie's last few days in India and she needs to recharge her mobile with some talktime. She finds her way into a local recharge shop which was a bit too crowded, like any place in India. While the people were staring at Ollie, like they always do, there was one younger guy among them who was exceptionally well at staring. After having left the shop, the teenager started following her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Having been followed and stared at for all the trip, Ollie didn't pay any attention tot he kid till he appears right in front of her and asks "I want you number." Ollie, still being the polite person she is, tells him her and asks for his in order to start a civil conversation. Number boy would have none of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">After repeated demands for her phone number, he switches tactics and starts off with "Pleeeease give me your number" to which the polite Ollie replies that she can't give her number to someone who is a stranger. Several pleas later, she bids him a courteous goodbye and leaves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Later, she runs into him again at the mall where he triumphantly announces that he has her number. Though taken aback slightly, Ollie still is still cordial with the boy and tells him that it is rather creepy, a word completely lost on the youth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">At the end of the day, she receives several missed calls and messages that just say "hi". And then she left India that night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Rather anti-climatic when one thinks about it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Epilogue: Back in Germany</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once back in Germany, Ollie messages me on FB saying that she'd met a group of (probably) drunken idiots who invite her for some mating rituals of their own and her statement verbatim is "...and that reminded me of you.".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Yes, she looks back fondly at the her trip and remembers the desperate men and their pathetic attempts to make contact in the only form that they know. Thanks to their actions, my memory has taken a much less precedence. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Thank you conservative patriarchal society! I hope a meteor collides with us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">PS: I go forth to dedicating this post to a recent reader I'd met who'd gotten me a couple of opportunities in the real world(and not the blogosphere). Knowing that someone actually reads your blog on date makes you want to update it on time, every time.</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-61749311336492554292014-03-23T23:18:00.001+05:302014-03-24T12:28:53.541+05:30Top 5 election based publicity stunts I'd like to see<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5: Modi should release a comic book chronicling the exaggerated version of his childhood</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh...<a href="http://www.infibeam.com/Books/bal-narendra-rannade-prakashan/9789383923786.html">wait a second</a>. Nevermind!</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5: Modi should build the Great wall of India</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Building an iron statue of the iron man of India? Well, looks like someone's been playing a lot of Age of Empires. It is true that building an epic monument is the best way to keep the serfs from revolting, but this idea is not grand enough. What India needs is a wall, a Great Wall outlining the perimeter of the entire country. A wall is a more practical solution to India's problems than a gigantic statue or pyramid. Firstly, it'll keep out the likes of Ajmal Kasab(or maybe trap him within?). Secondly, it’ll keep the illegal immigrants from our respectable neighboring countries at bay. Thirdly, and hopefully not lastly, it’ll prevent those pesky Tsunamis from attacking any part of the country. And while we’re at it why not make one that can be seen from the moon! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Die hard supporters of Modi who spend their time loving him online in the privacy of their dark dingy rooms can do some actual work for a change. As for the farmers, laborers and cattle-class in general, instead of giving up their precious tools, they can give up their sweat and blood to build the wall. And if they even give up their lives and actually die hard during the construction of the wall, then they can be buried right underneath it. Only to be brought back to life to fight as Modi’s army of the undead. What a meaningful end to their pointless lives! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once it is finished, the Great Wall of Modi will be his legacy for future generations. Our children will gaze upon Modi’s massive erection and say 'kitna bara toin hain…' and their mothers will agree, ‘bara hai toh behter hai’</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Remember, you can’t spell PROGRESS without spelling COLOSSAL ERECTION. Oh wait, you actually can. Funny how that worked out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Note</b>: If you’re a Modi ‘fan’, this is the point where you foam at the mouth and close the browser in sheer indignation and not read the rest of the article. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Have a nice day!</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#4: Arvind Kejriwal should fix the hole in the ozone</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We all know that corruption can be eradicated in India by just pressing a button. The location of this button is known to all but only politicians can reach it because they have ‘law’ tucked comfortably inside the pockets of their Nehru jackets(the proverbial hands of the ‘law’ being very long). Thus they refuse to press the button unless there is an obvious political mileage such as appeasing a vote bank. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Enter Arvind Kejriwal! He promised to press the button and make the corruption go away at the blink of an eye. Where the hand can’t reach, the broom can, apparently.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet, it's been months and several thousand blinks of the eye and Kejriwal still refuses to press the button. Obviously, this is because he's an American-Congress-Naxal-Terrorist-Martian super spy who only wants to tell lies and eat kittens.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Though the massive internet joke campaign did weaken him considerably, he will once again swear on his children that he wouldn't get a haircut and proceed to cut his hair and eat kittens. I can only see one form of redemption for this fallen angel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kejriwal should first promise to close the ozone hole. Secondly, he should publicize his first promise by a second bigger promise: to stop all evil. Then he should punch aforementioned evil through the ozone hole before closing it up and stitching it right in front of live cameras. It would be desirable if he finally praises god and kisses his children for extra brownie points. Then and ONLY then, will I trust this man who violated my false sense of patriotism.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Until then - "If Kujliwal is AAP, then who is BAAP?". Hee hee hee!</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#3: Rahul Gandhi should take selfies</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's face it, no one likes Rahul Gandhi. He's sported as the young dude of the party yet he does nothing that befits young people. He dresses in the same old clothes the politicians have been wearing since Mahatma Gandhi told them to burn all their jeans. He isn't drinking mountain dew and hi-fing people as he walks by. He also isn't net savvy like the other young people (Narendra Modi, Shashi Tharoor etc).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For starters, he can post mundane photos of him from a close up angle, aka, selfie. It worked for the Pope didn't it? It turned him from hapless leader of the pedophile cult to Time magazine's Dude of the year.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He can take selfies of him pretending to eat at the homes of poor people, pretending to understand what poverty means, pretending to listen at any political gathering while eating a lillipop and for dramatic effect, use the pallu of his mom's saree to frame his shots. These are the things we already hate him for and the power of the selfie will turn that frown upside down.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the contrary, perhaps then, the youth will start taking him seriously and decide that they can go skateboarding with him. Perhaps then, he will be invited for all the parties the cool kids are having and he can take 5000 photos of himself at said parties. Perhaps then, I shall take him seriously.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On second thought, no, it's impossible to take this clown seriously.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#2: Sonia Gandhi should go Brangelina and adopt a child</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sonia Gandhi has really bad luck. First she got stuck with the Indian Margret Thatcher as a mum-in-law. Then her hubby got his face blown off my some unattractive Tamilian girl. And now, she stuck with Robert Vadra’s wife and a buffoon for children. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She’s also being heralded as the harbinger of corruption in India, since her rival party is squeaky clean. Not being born in India did not help her image either. Indians hate Indians, but we all hate non-Indians with a passion, simple because they’re non-Indians.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before the Swiss banks start getting less liberal and start revealing details of their stored plunder to the world, Ronald McDonald and illustrious Gandhi family must go through an image makeover. Not lipstick or hair colour, but Mrs. Gandhi should go Brangelina and adopt a child(Bad idea for Mr. McDonald since we know he loves children in the wrong way).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For some reason, the country is still fascinated by children. How else can we become a country containing 1/6th the population of the Earth? Since Mrs. Gandhi is too old to nurture a child, she should adopt an older child.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Uday Chopra is a great option as she’s shown an affinity towards retarded children. How about Shashi Tharoor? That guy's good for a laugh, though in the written format it’s limited to 140 characters. But Mr. Tharoor has proven himself pretty fly for a white guy having women throw themselves at his feet. The competition will be too much for Mrs. Gandhi.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe she can adopt a chimpanzee. How can that go wrong?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/AFDMIo82rJA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></b> </h3>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#1: Poonam Pandey should strip naked at India Gate if AAP wins Lok Sabha elections</span></b></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What would the world be without over glorified models desperately seeking media attention by any means necessary other than acting well in movies? But let’s forget about Shah Rukh Khan for a while and focus on the star of…well, uh…not sure if she actually acted in any films.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Poonam Pandey said she’d strip in public if India won the world cup. Did that happen? I’ve searched the internet but couldn’t find anything. Possibly because I get bored in 5 minutes and log in to debonairblog.com.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The supposed underdog for these elections is the AAP, this being their first major elections et al. Is someone playing the Rocky theme song while Kejriwal is doing push ups? Wouldn’t it be great if they actually won? I’m just tired of every elections always being a clash between Godzilla and King Kong(my apologies to both monsters for the analogy) where we have to pick either of them. How about we pick the new kid in the block? If for no reason, simply because we’re tired of the usual suspects.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once AAP does win and starts chasing cockroaches with their brooms, Poonam Pandey should honour them by stripping in front of India Gate in Delhi. Why her and why that location?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s been a while since she’s been on the news. It’ll be great publicity for her. Also, the question people of all aspects of life – rural, urban, white collar, blue collar, communist, capitalist, will give the same answer to is “Do you want to see a naked woman?”. The altruistic act will bring our nation together under the leadership of the new government.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The soldiers who’ve given up their lives so that you can watch reality shows and eat KFC, would be turning in their graves with high torque after having their memorial desecrated in the Pooamest way possible. Harnessing the rotating corpses of our long gone jawans would bring a new source of power generation and thusly decrease the use of fossil fuels and dependence on USA.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In short, environment is protected, Rupee value goes up, Aam Aadmi will govern the country and you would’ve seen the boobs of a twenty two year old.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://media.glamsham.com/download/wallpaper/celebrities/images/p/poonam-pandey-wallpaper-78-12x9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://media.glamsham.com/download/wallpaper/celebrities/images/p/poonam-pandey-wallpaper-78-12x9.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only non-NSFW photo of Poonam Pandey on the internet<br />
Image source: <a href="http://www.glamsham.com/download/wallpaper/11/1217/4/poonam-pandey-wallpapers.htm">Glamsham wallpapers</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Jai hind!</span></div>
</div>
Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-83752095865802273612014-03-20T01:42:00.004+05:302014-03-20T01:42:43.844+05:30Flowcharts for people on social media seeking attention<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Celebrities</span> </h3>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3la0p9_cH2U/UynGOZEq0wI/AAAAAAAAE0k/aBxkFUmAAcU/s1600/celebs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3la0p9_cH2U/UynGOZEq0wI/AAAAAAAAE0k/aBxkFUmAAcU/s1600/celebs.png" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j-Pw9S631wA/Uymk5qvaZ2I/AAAAAAAAE0U/BUqpSW-yU9g/s1600/chetan_bhagat_new.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j-Pw9S631wA/Uymk5qvaZ2I/AAAAAAAAE0U/BUqpSW-yU9g/s1600/chetan_bhagat_new.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">News</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uQrSdV3ctZU/UynRGodxBBI/AAAAAAAAE08/hAtfFefSl3k/s1600/news_channels.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uQrSdV3ctZU/UynRGodxBBI/AAAAAAAAE08/hAtfFefSl3k/s1600/news_channels.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Religion</span> </h3>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JpNvck-5PiU/UymjeOiWZPI/AAAAAAAAEz0/kAAoAOtr7Wc/s1600/religion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JpNvck-5PiU/UymjeOiWZPI/AAAAAAAAEz0/kAAoAOtr7Wc/s1600/religion.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Politics</span> </h3>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m4cYZnwgFPE/UymjdDpmVcI/AAAAAAAAEzk/ttlPLRZwjmc/s1600/politics.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m4cYZnwgFPE/UymjdDpmVcI/AAAAAAAAEzk/ttlPLRZwjmc/s1600/politics.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did you like today's post? If you'd like to see more flowcharts, leave a comment below and I shall ignore it and watch porn. Cheers!</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-72571395204969525212014-03-18T08:56:00.001+05:302014-03-18T08:56:21.284+05:30India needs a colosseum<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/53/Colosseum_in_Rome,_Italy_-_April_2007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/53/Colosseum_in_Rome,_Italy_-_April_2007.jpg" height="187" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: Wikipedia; In case you didn't know what the Colosseum is</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since culturally we're regressing back to the time when Jesus Christ was born and/or a violent patriarchal religion was being created, how about we take a lesson of those times from the jolly old Roman civilization. Why the Romans? They were ruled over by a dictator as well. I guess I spoke too soon. The most patriotic man in India isn't the dictator yet.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now how 1.2 billion people are going to fit into a a single elliptical structure(approx 22.5Kms long and 17 Kms wide; 75000 acres base - actually calculated), I'm not sure. But they'll fit them all in there. Once they're in, the quality of the programs are of the utmost importance as shown below in the monthly schedule.</span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Statutory warning</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We can't start any event without your Government telling you that you're too stupid to survive life and need constant nagging to prevent your own imminent death. We can have 'I am Mukesh' guy come from time to time, followed by a sign which says 'And Mukesh died two weeks after...again'.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Only after this message is given and surely would've affected the audience, can the vendors selling pop corn, carbonated drinks and cigarettes. </span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">IPL</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Where would India be without having commercialized junk food cricket shoved down our collective throats EVERY MONTH. Since cricket enthusiasts and other jobless people have more than enough money and time in their pockets, it's a great good time we give it to those richer than us. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starting with the auctions, where the players will be displayed at the podium where you can see there faces when they know exactly how much they're worth(unsold players will be auctioned off to the Aam Admi for doing household chores till next season). Then we move on to the pseudo science of strategy and Siddhu bouncing about making sounds. Once we're done with all the jesters, we can actually have the game. Followed by the players having their after game parties right there in the arena. The demanding game schedule and alcohol poisoning will ensure that the players die before they hit 24, bringing us fresh and new talent whom we can criticize. EVERY. MONTH.</span></div>
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<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rape and punishment</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This would be a classic case of deterrence by example. Ensuring that the girls selected are as modernly dressed as possible(they were asking for it) while at the same time attractive(else who's going to be interested). </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once the deed is done and they've both caught their breath, the audience can protect the girl from the privacy broaching interrogation of the policemen and other authoritative figures by directly asking her questions about it - What all was she wearing? What all was she not wearing? What did he do? What exactly did he do? How did she feel? Did she like it? Are they related?(Husband-wife doesn't count) Will they be exchanging numbers afterwards? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This way all those who were sitting in the back won't miss out a thing. The police or court won't need to question her and report it to Aam Admi either as we got first hand information of assault. They wouldn't need to eitherways, since the man will be beaten, hung, castrated, shot, scalped, waxed, sent to outer space, returned, disintegrated and given ONE TIGHT SLAP so that our collective righteous anger will be vented in the right direction.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This will discourage women to wear anything other than chastity belts and refine their characters for protection and deters rapists from raping(which they can't 'cause of the chastity belts, but if they do it, it's not their fault).</span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Education</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Aren't you tired of how education is so uncensored with all it's bloody wars, the dark ages, science and thinking. Who needs all this western style education and English eitherways when you got everything that ever was and ever will be written down in the holy scriptures.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Which holy scriptures? Well, all of them, I guess. That's right! Ancient religious pedophiles split the atom, knew about the big bang and invented sliced bread way before science was ever created by their respective gods.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While the scriptures are being repeated over and over again, the young minds will decipher the code behind the words and figure out trigonometry and physics equations and other things discovered much much later by those damn westerners. Obviously, those scriptures contain all the information that will be discovered by the English man for centuries to come, it just isn't revealed yet so that they won't steal it and win their noble prizes and beauty pageants. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Homosexual gladiators</span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet another deterrence of an unnatural and disgusting behavior. Those dirty characterless men(since women together are sexy) should be clad with loincloths and oiled up for a spectacular melee weapon combat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Two men should be pitted against each other with no protection except their massive swords. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It'll be real balls to the wall action.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While the men try to thrust their sharp weapons at each other, the crowds will cheer them on. Until one of them will plunge his pointy thing deep into the other one, so much so that latter chokes and gags on bodily fluids. Things will get real messy when destroying that asshole from the inside, he deserved it! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sphincter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Politics</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Who cares about that stuff? We're having too much fun with all this entertainment. I don't care who's putting toxic chemicals in my water or destroying my forests as long as I don't have to think and can have fun. What? That guy over there is awesome 'cause you said so? Okay! I like him and have no reason to criticize him. Why do I like him? FUCK YOU! You're just here to spread hate and thinking. Go away! Leave my country alone!</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let the games begin!</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-24655566623514317162014-03-17T02:26:00.000+05:302014-03-17T02:37:34.012+05:30A real movie<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our weekly post is interrupted by bringing you what constitutes a real movie...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>hype</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>marketing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>pretense</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>illusion</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>facade</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>drama</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>melodrama</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>primary antagonist</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>secondary antagonist</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>caricatures</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>side kick</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>comic relief</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>cartoons</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>song sequence</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>love arc</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>forced chemistry</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>begging for sympathy</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>begging for attention</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>intro shot</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>intro song</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>hero shot</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>slow motion</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>loudness</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>brashness</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>cliches</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Alright, just a couple of cliches)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>big deal</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>agenda</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>product placement</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>travel brochure</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>pretentiousness</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No </span><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">judgments</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>pseudo social commentary</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>shackles</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>fingers pointed</span></span><br />
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>hands raised</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>review</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>sarcasm</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>objective view</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>dissection</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>Freddy Mercury</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>sadness</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">No </span>regret</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Watch.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stay tuned for regular programming, resuming tomorrow.</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-48346250355946404022014-03-13T00:10:00.000+05:302014-03-13T16:57:33.796+05:30300: Rise of an Empire in a nutshell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We're coming in live from Rio, where the fans have gathered for 2014 FIFA World Cup</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So picking up just after the events of 300, actually, way before 300 but also while 300 is happening and after...you know what? Forget it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">A long time ago in ancient Eurasia, there was a great Athenian warrior named Thamisstiklees...uh, Thurmyzticeles...The-mystical-eves? Just go check out IMDB. So Tea-Miss-Tickle-seas kills an invading Persian king in slow motion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Themus-tea-cleaves:</strong> With crystal clear clarity in the midst what seemed like of a heavy battle 5 seconds ago.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Blood:</strong> (looks more fake than 300)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Normal Xerexes:</strong> Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You have killed my father, prepare to die!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Persian King:</strong> This is a good time to introduce Badass Eva Green, the main antagonist of the movie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Everyone in the audience knows that someone will have sex with Basass Eva Green at some point in this movie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Badass Eva Green:</strong> You will walk half naked into the desert without an aim.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Normal Xerexes:</strong> Isn't this similar to Leonidas training in the wilderness with...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">So Normal Xerexes walks into a random cave aimlessly and submerges into the septic tank of the weird leper magician people in the cave. In an instance of Zack Snyder nonsense, he emerges as Giant Xerexes from 300, complete with piercings and make up. It makes no sense but sure as hell looks cool!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Zack Snyder:</strong> Now don't forget, lots of blood.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Unknown Director:</strong> You got it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Zack Snyder:</strong> (flies off to ruin Batman)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Giant Xerexes:</strong> Let's go kill those Greeks!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Thee-mis-frigle-chineese:</strong> We must unite Greece into one nation against Persia.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Politicians:</strong> That won't happen now but will happen later in this movie for dramatic effect.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>The-refridgerator-keys:</strong> Let's be friends yo!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Hot Queen from 300:</strong> NO way, you gay!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>One eyed Spartan from 300:</strong> Hey guys! We totally love death and killing!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Spartans:</strong> A-WOO! A-WOO!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>The-mistletoe-freeze:</strong> Savage weirdos!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Hot Queen from 300:</strong> Get lost, else the plot won't progress. Also, Gerard Butler is totally not in this scene 'cause...he, uh...he's...he's taken the dog for a walk. NOT 'cause he didn't want to do this pointless sequel or anything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Unknown Director:</strong> Yeah! He's like, right around the corner man.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>The-not-so-impressed-eese:</strong> Isn't this similar to when Leonidas went to the Oracle asking for support and didn't...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Spartans:</strong> A-WOO! A-WOO!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Some random shit happens and we get the back story of Badass Eva Green and it involves rape, since that is topical I guess. Skipping through all the boring part we get to the main presentation of this movie - 300 at Sea!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Naval Battle #1</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Badass Eva Green: </strong>Let us underestimate the Athenians and attack.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Persian General #1:</strong> Isn't that similar to what Xerexes did in the...oh fuck it! I'll just go and get defeated.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>The-democracy-of-sleeves:</strong> Let's make random references to the 300 Spartans so as to let the audience know of the chronology, and not 'cause we lack the credibility as a stand alone movie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Slow motion:</strong> (Happens)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Blood:</strong> (looks like chocolate milkshake)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Persians:</strong> (Dead)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Athenians:</strong> (Not dead)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Soundtrack:</strong> (sucks)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Badass Eva Green:</strong> You underestimated them you fool, and now you shall pay with your life!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Persian General #2:</strong> Isn't this similar to Xerexes being disappointed with his general and punishing them...oh fuck it! I'll glug glug glug...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Naval Battle #2</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Badass Eva Green: </strong>Your turn!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Persian General #2:</strong> Seeing as I'm not a famous actor, I'm guessing we all know what'll happen even though we outnumber the Greeks one gazillion to one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>These-physical-peeves:</strong> WAIT! We're not ready for battle!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Athenian Person: </strong>I wonder what Leonidas and his 300 are doing?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>This-quizzical-weaves:</strong> Phew! There we go, now we can fight in slow motion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>More Slow motion:</strong> (Happens)</span></div>
<strong style="font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">Blood:</strong><span style="font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;"> (looks like crude oil)</span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
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</span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Persians:</strong> (Dead)</span></span><br />
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</span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Athenians:</strong> (Not dead)</span></span><br />
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</span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Soundtrack:</strong> (still sucks)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">And so, despite being outnumbered and underestimated, the Athenians still won in ways that looks cool on screen yet make no sense when you think about it. Soon enough, Badass Eva Green was desperate.</span></div>
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<strong>Badass Eva Green:</strong> Come join me! (gets horny and nekkid)</span></div>
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<strong>Thermometer-icicles-bees:</strong> Isn't this similar to when Xerexes offered Leonidas to join his side and...oh compare it! I'll stop fucking the...uh, whatever...(gets nekkid)</div>
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Having less charm and personality than shouty Gerard Butler in 300(which is saying something), our Athenian hero enjoys the sex sans expression and pisses off Badass Eva Green mid-coitus, for some odd reason. Suffice to say, Badass Eva Green is pissed. Most of the audience(the males) leave the theater having seen what they'd come to see, leaving their confused girlfriends.</div>
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<strong>Naval Battle #3</strong></div>
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<strong>Badass Eva Green:</strong> I. IS. PIZZED.</div>
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<strong>Persian General #3:</strong> It's a good idea that you're covering the Greeks in tar or oil or whatever and then setting them on fire. Come to think of it, why didn't we think of this strategy before?</div>
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<strong>Unknown Director:</strong> Not much slow motion in this battle.</div>
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<strong>Persian General #3: </strong>Understood.</div>
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<strong>Athenians:</strong> (Dead)</div>
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<strong>Fire:</strong> (looks more fake than the blood)</div>
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<strong>Soundtrack:</strong> (do they just have one song in this thing?)</div>
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<strong>The-receptacle-jeeves:</strong> How did I survive despite being five feet away from the epicenter of a huge explosion?</div>
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<strong>Athenian Person: </strong>Your best friend is dead!</div>
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<strong>Everyone: </strong>OH NOES!</div>
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<strong>Another Athenian Person: </strong>The 300 are dead!</div>
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<strong>Everyone:</strong> Oh NOES!</div>
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<strong>Yet another Athenian Person:</strong> Hundreds of Athenians are dead!</div>
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<strong>Everyone: </strong>I guess, that's sad.</div>
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Everyone stops playing with ships and retreats, the Athenians and the Persians, 'cause the movie needed to pace itself and require boring talking scenes in between the slow motion fighting scenes.</div>
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<strong>Theme-is-a-squeeze:</strong> Let's be friends yo!</div>
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<strong>Hot Queen from 300:</strong> FUCK OFF! My husband just died and I am sad, though we've repeatedly mentioned that the greatest glory a Spartan can have is death in the battlefield.</div>
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<strong>Giant Xerexes:</strong> Hey, I'm still in this movie.</div>
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Badass Eva Green: Enough talk! Let's fight!</div>
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<strong>Final Naval Battle</strong></div>
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<strong>Giant Xerexes: </strong>We actually do outnumbered them a gazillion to one. Why did we launch our entire CGI navy against three ships? And isn't this similar to...oh fuck it! I'll just be a giant.</div>
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<strong>Blood:</strong> (looks like the smoke monster from Lost)</div>
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<strong>Thurmostatic-reeves: </strong>HORSE!</div>
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<strong>CGI Horse:</strong> Ta da!</div>
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<strong>Timid-fickle-grease:</strong> (plays Grand Theft Auto: Athenia)</div>
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<strong>Badass Eva Green:</strong> We meet again Obi Wan.</div>
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<strong>Tee-multiplex-eese:</strong> Except this time, I shath thrust my sword deep inside ye and...okay, you got the joke, let's fight.</div>
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But then, something poetic and subtle happens in this movie. That's right, a movie about excess blood and violence and jokes about masturbation and sex has something subtle and poetic happen.</div>
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<strong>Zack Snyder:</strong> Uh! You're welcome!</div>
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All of Greece arrives at the exact same time! Brilliantly coordinated and narrated by Hot Queen from 300. But wait, how can she narrate the event of this movie when she wasn't even present most of the time. Isn't it similar to when One Eyed Spartan leaves the battlefield and still is able to tell the world of the fate of the 300(minus one) Spartans as well as...of fuck it! I'll just...wait, is she still narrating?</div>
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<strong>Hot Queen in 300:</strong> And I jump onto the ship wearing a dress and lead the armada of hundreds of half naked muscle bound men. Yes, I carry nothing but the dress and the sword of my husband and I have the maneuverability and ferocity of these trained for life warriors.</div>
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<strong>Three-myxlplyx-eese: </strong>I'm glad you came, but could you please stop narrating the events of the movie?</div>
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<strong>Hot Queen in 300:</strong> This is the ultimate sign of equality between men and women, as I sever the carotid artery of this random Persian, naively glossing over the parts where the Greeks themselves were as brutal as...</div>
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<strong>Soundtrack:</strong> (they might as well have played Gangam style)</div>
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<strong>Giant Xerxes:</strong> I did 6 hours of make up to stand next to the green screen for five friggin' scenes?!</div>
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<strong>Hot Queen in 300:</strong> ...bodies heap up as a close up shot of the ongoing battle is followed by a fade to black.</div>
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<strong>Badass Eva Green:</strong> Isn't that exactly how 300 ended...oh fuck it! I'll just be dead! (dies)</div>
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<strong>Zack Snyder:</strong> Next time around, we'll have Greeks fight Persians in the air. We'll call it, 300: My ego trilogy!</div>
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<strong>Unknown Director:</strong> Planes weren't invented during that time Sir.</div>
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<strong>Zack Snyder:</strong> SILENCE! I am vengeance! I am the night! I...AM...</div>
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<strong>Chris Nolan:</strong> I'm unfriending you on Facebook.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Fin</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-3915377318094924182014-03-10T02:45:00.001+05:302014-03-10T02:45:50.011+05:30Meghna Patel, the modi tune and a self parody video<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some things just have to be made fun of. Then there are some things that are making fun of itself to such a level that you need to stand back in awe and grab a brick so that you can bash yourself in the head with it and say "Mynd bloving wonly!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No, Chetan Bhagat didn't write an open letter to Arvind Kejriwal, I'm talking about the latest <strike>exhibitionist</strike> <strike>attention seeker</strike> <strike>anti-thesis of women's equality</strike> "artist" with a "political" "concern" Meghna Patel (there aren't enough quotation marks for this task). Meghna Patel took a leaf from Poonam Pandey's book and realized that if you need to be famous, you can just strip in public. It's not a popular strategy and it's just crazy enough to work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She also let every woman in India know that it's not what's in her mind that counts, but what's under her bra that will change the fate of the nation. So she stripped, for India's most eligible bachelor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But the thing that has brought her to greater heights is the recent music video she made with the 'modi tune' to voo horny Indian men to <strike>climax</strike> vote for Modi. It worked and I can say I've voted for Modi atleast five times since I saw the video. While I can easily say that the video is the most awesome thing on the internet, it'll be difficult for me to say why exactly. So here's a critical anal-ysis of Meghna Patel's magnum opus (who'll henceforth be referred to as Boobies, since the sheer density of consonants in her name impedes my less patriotic organs from functioning) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So the video starts with some weird variant of the Surya namaskaaram with two random guys checking out some cleavage and one random guy checking out ass. There is a forth random guy who's checking out the third random guy for some odd reason and Boobies blossoms on screen like the silver coated lotus that she is. This is accompanied in the background with a chant which goes either "namonamonamonamo" or "no more no more no more no more". As though the video read my mind, it answers my question.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4Jx2E0tOL5c/UxwcOprjWAI/AAAAAAAAEv4/GTSb8rubIH4/s1600/Opening.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4Jx2E0tOL5c/UxwcOprjWAI/AAAAAAAAEv4/GTSb8rubIH4/s1600/Opening.png" height="360" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Red fort, meet the green screen</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-klwPdM_SQtw/UxwdHFmbu9I/AAAAAAAAEwE/yhDDDuDDzis/s1600/namo1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-klwPdM_SQtw/UxwdHFmbu9I/AAAAAAAAEwE/yhDDDuDDzis/s1600/namo1.png" height="175" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So that's who the song is about.<br />
What's with the pose? Did he just toss something over his shoulder in style?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then the 'song' begins with Boobies looking much more like a porn star than usual. More like an Indian low budget porn star with enough lipstick to send signals to the Andromeda galaxy about intelligent life being absent on earth.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DjhAbv8nvAk/UxwfVqMNO2I/AAAAAAAAEwQ/tInz-4kJ4ss/s1600/unreal.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DjhAbv8nvAk/UxwfVqMNO2I/AAAAAAAAEwQ/tInz-4kJ4ss/s1600/unreal.png" height="354" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Everything about this image is fake, even the Indian flag in the background was made in China</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While Boobies is busy lipsynching to what she obviously though was a very patriotic tune, we are showcased images of famous landmarks in India. Since that's what makes India, old buildings. Even if the entire population was reduced to ashes since Shiva was having a bad hair day, India will prevail on, in the form of buildings.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A message is subliminally hit over our heads in the form of a chant which goes "Vote for Modi". I'm not sure how that's possible as we don't elect a Prime </span><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ministerial candidate, we just vote for the party. Is Boobies suggesting that Modi is synonymous with BJP or vice versa?</span></span><br />
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Random guys in the video don't question this logic and are just happy in getting some face time on screen. Next stop, Ram Gopal Varma's movie!</span></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jaJwB1FhVes/UxwkzdR4OhI/AAAAAAAAEwg/PtFnYfZssp0/s1600/vote+for+modi.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jaJwB1FhVes/UxwkzdR4OhI/AAAAAAAAEwg/PtFnYfZssp0/s1600/vote+for+modi.png" height="177" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Are you sure there's enough Modi in this screen? I see a lot of white spaces. Hell, give that guy a Modi mask.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rhvbkLcpE1c/UxwnlHFrBAI/AAAAAAAAEw4/HiftuczOrXk/s1600/vote+for+modi2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rhvbkLcpE1c/UxwnlHFrBAI/AAAAAAAAEw4/HiftuczOrXk/s1600/vote+for+modi2.png" height="178" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's not how you play rock-paper-scissors!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A major geographical faux pas occurs in the form of the Indian map, which doesn't show:-</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Andhra Pradesh split into three states</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Pakistan part of Kashmir</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Chinese part of North East</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lakshwadeep Islands</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Andaman and Nicobar Islands </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The statue of Sardar Patel as seen from space</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sonakshi Sinha's forehead as seen from space</span></li>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Lmqf7UTrYBc/Uxwmlnr4AwI/AAAAAAAAEws/bow07DSUV0Q/s1600/states.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Lmqf7UTrYBc/Uxwmlnr4AwI/AAAAAAAAEws/bow07DSUV0Q/s1600/states.png" height="218" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I resent that my state was the last to get coloured in this image. Modi doesn't have my best interests in mind.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How about we get to know more about our random guys? I froze the video at one point and tried to figure out who they were as real people from their expressions. I can't say I did a bad job as I'm very good at reading people's minds from their faces.
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JCzl2ZmVC2Y/UxylBIr8drI/AAAAAAAAExE/vF57284u1T4/s1600/expressions2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JCzl2ZmVC2Y/UxylBIr8drI/AAAAAAAAExE/vF57284u1T4/s1600/expressions2.png" height="385" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is followed by my most favourite part. First, we're shown a montage of all the things wrong in India AKA the not-for-tourism-India commercial AKA Slumdog Millionaire is totally wrong man! I guess Namo will find a solution to these - poverty, famine, over population(take down bharathmatrimony.com I guess?), protests, more protests, candles, more candles which is really getting old by now. This is followed by the most EPIC scene where Boobies contracts some eye infection and chest congestion. We see her narrowing her eyes and a heaving chest of, well, guess.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aFArfku7JPU/UxzIjs2pebI/AAAAAAAAExU/P71LNDxkn48/s1600/indignation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aFArfku7JPU/UxzIjs2pebI/AAAAAAAAExU/P71LNDxkn48/s1600/indignation.png" height="217" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">EPIC!</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QEqyNYHcZqE/UxzWR-2bLSI/AAAAAAAAEyk/PXDpI9siiWU/s1600/pointing.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QEqyNYHcZqE/UxzWR-2bLSI/AAAAAAAAEyk/PXDpI9siiWU/s1600/pointing.png" height="177" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Namo; pointing out the browser close button to you</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They put on one more verse of just about the same nonesense so that you can have time to catch your breath after laughing your ass off for the previous shot. Blah blah blah, lame lyrics and other crap and BAM! Wardrobe change.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QzH-g4I2F_g/UxzKUXbbgUI/AAAAAAAAExg/JpQ8_1dKDNc/s1600/wardrobe+change.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QzH-g4I2F_g/UxzKUXbbgUI/AAAAAAAAExg/JpQ8_1dKDNc/s1600/wardrobe+change.png" height="247" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So she finally manages to NOT look like a porn star.<br />"Look how modern we are" "Oh wow! As India's youth, I can totally relate to that."</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As though we enjoyed that wardrobe change, they hit us with another one. This time around, Boobies is wearing the tradition women's wear of the Muslims, of the 16th century. While Random guy 1 theatrically raises his hands to the air(like he just doesn't care) in the name of Islam while Random guy 4 does a namaste, which I'm guessing is Hinduism. They might as well have had the former be a butcher and the latter look like Tenali Raman.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3295bm-vLvk/UxzQW9EcpjI/AAAAAAAAExw/ODkXu_ywoiY/s1600/religious1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3295bm-vLvk/UxzQW9EcpjI/AAAAAAAAExw/ODkXu_ywoiY/s1600/religious1.png" height="220" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Towel - check, crucifix - check, turban - check, tilak - check<br />We're all ready to represent the...WTF IS ON HER DRESS?!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At this point, we, the viewer and she the Boobies, both get tired of this tripe and she excuses herself, probably to touch herself thinking of Namo.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zWoL11NnBzE/UxzScftGWbI/AAAAAAAAEx8/_O334FHeFqA/s1600/leaving.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zWoL11NnBzE/UxzScftGWbI/AAAAAAAAEx8/_O334FHeFqA/s1600/leaving.png" height="232" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Screw you guy! I'm going home.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While she leaves, we're hit over the head with the message that Namo will no longer <strike>kill</strike> offend Muslims and that in fact, he LOVES Muslims now, shown by a montage of him hugging and doing other bromance stuff with Islamic leaders. This is when we're introduced to Singer guys 1 and 2(who pretend to sing) and harmonium player guy(who pretends to play the harmonium and is actually bored out of his skull), all of who have weird black birth marks on their forehead. Apparently the budget saved from lack of lyrics, choreography, production wasn't enough to hire ACTUAL Muslims to sing.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1Hr4ozM3R7Y/UxzUQV539JI/AAAAAAAAEyI/2kjT4vxRo2c/s1600/muslim.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1Hr4ozM3R7Y/UxzUQV539JI/AAAAAAAAEyI/2kjT4vxRo2c/s1600/muslim.png" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">YAWN!</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MD5ZyFe-xWc/UxzU_ZJRsaI/AAAAAAAAEyQ/eeYl0jtMSYw/s1600/muslim2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MD5ZyFe-xWc/UxzU_ZJRsaI/AAAAAAAAEyQ/eeYl0jtMSYw/s1600/muslim2.png" height="180" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why did I say 'yes' to this?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Random guys one through four are obviously impressed at how badly they're lip syncing to the lyrics and can over act. They comment among themselves this feat. This is good pacing and plot progression on the director's side when they're cutting back to the earlier characters and relating them to the current characters. </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OT6_E9E-Ye4/UxzWE-BpLII/AAAAAAAAEyc/CNu-ej9dIvM/s1600/we+too.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OT6_E9E-Ye4/UxzWE-BpLII/AAAAAAAAEyc/CNu-ej9dIvM/s1600/we+too.png" height="194" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Check out these guy, and we thought we sucked!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Boobies can't stand the attention being grabbed by (bad) Singers and she rushes to the screen and trains the camera onto herself. After all, this is all about <strike>her</strike> Namo, right?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To celebrate the ending of the video, everyone hugs it out while Boobies dances and cackles like the malicious manipulator that she is.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4bpRzzNry6c/UxzXf03C_6I/AAAAAAAAEyw/X0Dznbf8ePI/s1600/hugs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4bpRzzNry6c/UxzXf03C_6I/AAAAAAAAEyw/X0Dznbf8ePI/s1600/hugs.png" height="288" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What're those two on the far right doing?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Finally, FINALLY, we're shown the page long credits, 90% of whom didn't do their jobs right.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now that I spent to much time with this song, it's stuck in my head for a longer time. All I have to say is this, if you want nudity, get Sunny Leone, she knows what she's doing!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For those who don't know what I'm talking about, watch the below video at your own risk.</span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/nGuvKai5jeE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-8682710009596985592014-03-06T02:58:00.001+05:302014-03-06T03:00:25.631+05:30Top 5 awesome trailers to upcoming Hollywood movies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The criteria is as simple as, this list includes only movies that'll be releasing in 2014(will be, not already has). The movie itself might present a disappointment and you'll avoid it like bitcoin, BUT the trailer was awesome. If you don't find your favourite upcoming movie on this list, well, I'm sorry they didn't make an awesome trailer for it. Now quit your whining and let's get to it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5: Transformers 4: Age of Extinction</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The only thing unique about Michael Bay's 'magnum opus' were the robots fighting each other and incomprehensibly filmed. After Pacific Rim(2013), we had a new movie to see giant robots punching giant monsters in the face. What is Bay going film in between his explosions now? How can he make Optimus Prime look cooler? I know! First get rid of Shia thebeef(AKA Bad acting) and insert a swrod and shield and a giant mudda fugging metal Tyrannosaurus Rex with horns! Also, Megatron finally turns into a gun, finally. Will this movie lack plot, acting, sense and leadership. Who cares? Optimus mofo Prime, with a mofo sword and shield riding a mofo metal T-Rex with horns. (although in the original canon, Grimlock, the leader of the Dinobots is too proud of an asshole to let anyone ride him)</span><br />
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<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/iF_ayN3ll3k/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/iF_ayN3ll3k&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/iF_ayN3ll3k&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#4: The Amazing Spider-Man 2</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first trailer revealed the dark history behind Peter Parker's father. While the idea was pretty much 'meh' like the previous movie, it was the second trailer labled 'Enemies Unite' that really gave us something to wait for. I wasn't too keen on watching Electro or The Green Goblin(totally rebooted and shit) on screen, but the trailer shows a Spidey fan boi(stalker?) who is disappointed in a way only fan bois can be disappointed. Watch the trailer, the scene when the newly turned Electro realises that Spidey treats him as random citizen #376 is not something that can be easily be showcased in a movie, let alone a trailer. The second awesome thing about this trailer? RHINO! The guy from the comics looks like an inflatable toy, but here, he's a guy in a mech-suit with a friggin horn. I'm sure he's using the horn for important stuff and it wasn't show horned in there to force the nickname. A cookie for those who find a Doc Ock easter egg. Looking forward for the baddies - Jamie Foxx, Paul Giamatti and some random kid as the new Green Goblin. It's not like there was a sucky Spidey movie stuffed with 3 villains out there. Is there?</span></div>
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<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/dW5u_y27LmQ/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/dW5u_y27LmQ&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/dW5u_y27LmQ&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#3: Guardians of the Galaxy</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I refuse to jump onto the band wagon where people are talking about them being 'ardent fans' of this obscure team of superhero (misfits?) and that Marvel is finally paying tribute. Screw you posers! All I knew was, there was a squirrel in the team. It was a raccoon, voiced by Bradley Cooper. Wait, who? Now I have to check this movie out. Vin Diesel is a tree thing, interesting. Zoe Saldana now plays a GREEN alien, naice. But I was still largely indifferent till I saw the trailer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The main aspect being the general lackadaisical tone the trailer has along with the ever so catchy 'Hooked on a Feeling' popularised by the iconic 'Ooga-jaaga' chanting, that first tickles you and then gets you pumped up for...</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Was that friggin' Batista??!! HOLY SHIT! Imma go memorize every bit of Guardians trivia from wikipedia now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#2: X-Men: Days of Future Past</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After the atrocious X-Men 3 and the lukewarm Wolverine, it's about time to give this franchise a rest and bank on the Avengers. Yes? No? Well, then, I guess if you can somehow bring Professor X back from the dead and somehow make a movie with both Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen duo meet up with James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender's pair from the past. Also, bring sentinals into the mix. Can you do that? What? You can make Peter Dinklage play Bolivar Trask, the inventor of the sentinals? That sounds pretty amazing! The only thing remaining is a trailer with emotion, angst and two Professor Xs on screen talking face to face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In case you didn't get the hint, click on video below and know the difference between a generic trailer and a trailer which uses music, epic lines and correct pacing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dawn of the Planet of the Apes</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">Apes in war paint, apocalypse, Gary Oldman, and little to no idea of what the plot will explore. Tingles the mind in excitement, especially after watching what they did with the last of this rebooted series(including a Mission to Mars easter egg)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Interstellar</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As always, leave it to Chris Nolan to release a trailer which reveals nothing of the movie, keeps people guessing and finally making pay dirt by delivering an awesome movie which we will discuss, commemorate, parody and love unconditionally. Also, Oscar winner, Matthew McConaughey narrating, somehow worked.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#1: GODZILLA</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">THE KING OF MONSTERS IS BACK in one of the best trailers I've ever seen in recent times. The iconic Inception BWAAA sound comes to play here as we get Brayn Cranston doing his Heisenberg voice about "what's coming". I liked how the trailer showcased the minute detail of nuclear testing in the Pacific(the origin of the fake American Godzilla from that movie) and retold it in a different way, as though subtly giving the last (attempt at) a remake a middle finger. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The plot isn't revealed much, except that this might be the largest Godzilla onscreen so far and that there are non-Godzilla monsters in this movie. (swoons). What packs the trailer off into epic territory is the montage of death and destruction towards the end, where the crescendo is the Godzilla roar(genius!) and the last shot being a small glimpse of the King himself. I can't wait till May!</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-40373959475900266742014-02-27T08:44:00.000+05:302014-02-27T13:52:27.621+05:30My Oscar predictions and why<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image source: <a href="http://oscar.go.com/nominees">Oscar.go.com</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Why?</b> Come on! It'll be controversial to NOT give this movie the Oscar. After going through all the trouble of depicting racism and slavery to it's fullest(by a black director, mind you) America's guilty <span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">conscience</span> </span>will have no choice but to give a toothy smile, sweat a lot and hand over the Oscar, under the ever watchful gaze of the Department of Cultural guilt. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, it'll probably affect me more than I could think of when I do watch it. I just hate America for being the richest country via slavery and then being kinda guilty(but not really) now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Director: Steve McQueen</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Why? </b>The man does have talent in doing a long single take sans the background score and hardly any noise. He makes us focus on the actors and the actors alone and brings out the best in the them for his shot, sometimes without any dialogues as well. That being said, the critics go moist for any movie he makes giving it adjectives such as 'Powerful' and other synonyms. I just hate the critics who react the same way to something by Steve McQueen or any drab indie director making a tedious film. Damn hipsters!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Who I want to win - Alfonso Cuaron: <span style="font-weight: normal;">Gravity might not be the perfect movie(troupes such as George Clooney stars as George Clooney) but it is the perfectly directed film. I just feel like an asshole for not liking the movie more. But the Danny Boyle-esque human drama kinda got in the way some of the time(some, not all). Alfonso Cuaron has shown what he can make with the weakest of the Harry Potter saga and he sure has hell made the best use of 3D(AKA the 10% extra cash gimmick). Are they going to Scorsese him and give him an Oscar 30 years from now?</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Best Actor: <u>Not</u> Leonardo DiCaprio</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Why?</b> Like hell if I'd know. Probably he's a descendant of a Nazi party supporting family and none of the elitist Jews who run Hollywood want to give him any form of glory.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Actress: Cate Blanchett</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Why?</b> Watch Blue Jasmine and find out. Simply put, after Emma Thompson's Mrs. PL Travers in Saving Mr.Banks, this is the only other female protagonist I started out not liking at the start but later came to care for. It might just be Woody Allen's script, but it's probably Cate Blanchett.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Why? </b>Jared Leto plays a Transgender woman in the movie Dallas Buyers Club. I haven't even seen the movie and from the trailers alone, I knew this guy hit gold with this performance. Firstly, it didn't look or sound like Jared Leto at all. The last I remember of this guy, he was shirtless and getting his face punched in by Edward Norton. Came a long way, man.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Who I want to win: Jonah Hill</span><span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"> - The guy deserves it for his role. He was every bit as integral to the movie as Martin Scorsese and the script. He was funny and serious with his raspy voice and rich fat persona and I'm pretty sure most of his lines were ad libbed, especially the scene at the parking lot where the co-actor's annoyed reaction seemed legit.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">B</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">est Supporting Actress: I haven't a clue</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Who I want to win: Jennifer Lawrence</b></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"> - Who wouldn't want Katniss to win?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Best Writing - Original screenplay: American Hustle / Blue Jasmine</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Why? </b>Having 'critically acclaimed' directors linked to these movies(David O Russel and Woody Allen respectively) would help their chances. Maybe the Academy wouldn't want to bank on the pedophile suspect Woody Allen and give the award to the absolutely over blown American Hustle. Maybe, they want to show their support to a fellow artist and give Mr. Allen the nod. Then again, those turkey buzzards tend to not be inclined that way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Who I want to win: Her - </b>Man and computer fall in love, how can such a clichéd sci-fi story with the least exciting sci-fi mundane plot be interesting? Spike Jonze tells us how. While some what a satire on man's over dependence on technology, it also tells a love story which I appreciated. And I don't appreciate love stories, seriously, I don't. Not even James Cameron love stories.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Best Writing - Adapted screenplay: 12 Years a Slave</b></span></div>
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</b></span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Why? </b>Same reason as before. The movie is adapted from the book written by Solomon Northup and based on the true events of his life. Those cringe worthy scenes are not even fictional real, they're actual events. Giving 12 Years an Oscar would once again be a nod towards the life and hardships of Solomon and the guilt thing</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Who I want to win: Wolf of Wall Street - </b>Come on! It was the best script of the year easily. The dialogues are great, the story line is great, the narrative is great, the tone is great and everything is so great! In an interview with script writer Terence Winter who said he wanted to capture the humourous and witty tone with which Jordan Belfort wrote his book. And that he did.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Sound Editing: Gravity</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><strong>Why? </strong>One of the first things I noticed about Gravity was how the sound was really authentic(read: of poor quality). Then Sandra Bullock's character handles tools in the opening sequence and we hear what she's hearing, ie, the sound which reverberates through her suit and arm. Everything else, the dead silence of space and the occasional crackling of radio with George Clooney or Ed Harris talking.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Sound Mixing: Inside Llewyn Davis</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Why?</b> Listening to those songs in the movie made me feel like I'm there, live! As much as that sounds like a hackney film critic, it is also the truth. While you can choose to snooze during the songs, I felt they were the best parts of an otherwise tedious indie movie. Fine, well made tedious indie movie. </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Case in point, the last few minutes of the movie had a quartet perform at a café. They sounded more real than reality. Moments later, a gawky youth walks on stage with a guitar and harmonica. I failed to notice this moment, but when started singing I was like "Bob Dylan! That's Bob Dylan!". Recognition via sound alone shows something.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Production Design: American Hustle</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Why?</b> As I said before, it's an overblown movie that is still good. Since there are no dramas set in the Elizabethan era(or Eye-raq) this year, the Academy would have no choice but to give the award to the movie that closely resembles a period piece.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Who I want to win: Gravity</b> - Apparently the tools and equipment used in the movie are the latest as per the testimony of an astronaut. Yes, I read that somewhere off the internet. No, I don't remember where it was. Yes, I think Gravity deserves an award more than American Hustle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Cinematography: Gravity</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Why?</b> Dude, have you even seen the movie?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Why? </strong>Have you seen </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto in the movie? Also, they're against movies like Jackass (yeah right the elitists will pick that one) and the insufferably bad Lone Ranger. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Who I want to win: Jackass presents Bad Grandpa</strong> - The entire movie premise is about a guy wearing Grandpa make up and pranking people without a script. It's not like a movie where there is already a suspension of disbelief since it's on the silver screen. In this case the makeup ACTUALLY has to fool people in real life from a few feet away. If the Academy were a bunch of cool people(like acknowledging The Dark Knight), they'd give it to this well deserving movie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Costume design: 12 Years a Slave</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: small;"><strong>Why?</strong> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Arbitrary guess. Unless they want to make China feel represented in which case it would be the Grandmaster. Or they can have a chance here to commemorate a proper 'drama' and give it to The Invisible Woman. I don't really care.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Film Editing: Gravity</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: small;"><strong>Why? </strong>DUDE! HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE? Just go to YouTube and search for 'Gravity Tracking shot'.</span></div>
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***</div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best Visual Effects: Gravity</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Why?</strong> Is there anything in the movie that is real other than the actors? It seemed like the entire movie was made with green screen(kinda like the Star Wars prequels) and filled with breath taking visuals(kinda like the Star Wars prequels) and made us hooked for the entire duration of the movie without questioning the movie (completely unlike the Star Wars prequels). Also, why isn't Pacific Rim in this list? WTF elitists?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Who I want to win: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - </strong>BEST. DRAGON. EVER.</span><br />
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-2205724379781221382014-02-23T23:53:00.001+05:302014-02-25T11:23:56.398+05:30Dear Crazy Aunty, why you no let me marry daughter?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rqBP2c_sVhE/UwtkkvgdaJI/AAAAAAAAEvA/ZniQjhnF2uE/s1600/Spacegodzilla.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rqBP2c_sVhE/UwtkkvgdaJI/AAAAAAAAEvA/ZniQjhnF2uE/s1600/Spacegodzilla.png" height="400" width="258" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">GF's Crazy Mom; as she appeared in Godzilla vs Space Godzilla(1994)<br />
Image courtesy <a href="http://godzilla.wikia.com/wiki/Wikizilla">Wikizilla</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Being Indians, we've all had our love stories, here's the tale of how my Girlfriend was promoted to something greater and how my life changed forever.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The setting</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Mom, Dad, I love this girl.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom:</b> NO!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> But why...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Dad:</b> Lower caste, NO!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> But I...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Both:</b> NO!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> ....okay....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Several months later,</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Mom...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom:</b> NO!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Fine! I shall go to her house directly and ask her Dad for her hand in marriage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Mom:</b> Yeah right!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>The Intros</b></span></h3>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Lovelorn boyfriend and seeker of marriage. In want of the girl who will understand my eccentricities...oh, wait, I'm not rich...my insanity and my inability to take a bath. I'm like, so dark and brooding and misunderstood.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Batman:</b> Ahem!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Moving along.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF:</b> Exasperated girlfriend and uber-seeker of marriage. I want a guy who won't ask me for my gmail and Facebook password and will not ask me to quit my job. Why won't his parents accept me?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> Boy's best friend's Dad and negotiator extraordinaire. I'm just helping out as it's more interesting than my day job.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> GF's Dad and traveler of the world. I want the best for my daughter and I won't force anything upon her.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> GF's Mom and sentimental psycho. She can't do this! What'll people think?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's get to it!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>At GF's house one fine Sunday...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> SURPRISE!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> We come in peace.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> OH SHIT!...(runs away)...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Oooo...kaaay...I guess they didn't expect it?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir: </b>Hello young man! Hello Sir! Please, do come in!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> So, how about some Tea and small talk?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> Great.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>12 minutes later...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Well, we've exhausted every topic in the world.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Thank god tea is here!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> Why! Why! Why do you pursue my daughter?...(twitch) </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(twitch) ..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Say wha?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother: </b>If you turn a blind eye, we can all play happily...forever...and ever...and ever....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>Thanks...for...the tea...heh...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> Is the tea too hot for you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> HAH! He can't even drink hot tea! What'll people think?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>Actually, I'm just petrified.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> So then, let's get down to business.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>Let me elucidate as to why I'm awesome for your daughter. Point number one, I've started saving up for the security deposit of a flat to rent out in Bangalore. Point number two...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>45 minutes later...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b>...and that's how I split the atom.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> Impressive!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother: </b>I wake up at 2AM in the mourning to pray in the pooja room.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>You're still here? I mean...uh...how's that related to anything?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> His parents won't agree to the marriage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother: </b>What'll people think?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> A wedding is a one day event. A marriage is a lifetime choice....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>37 minutes later...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b>...and that is why I choose to be with your daughter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother: </b>Why can't you two just be friends?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> MOTHER FU...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> I think it'll be better if we ask her opinion. Where is she?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF:</b> Hi!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> GO BACK INSIDE THIS INSTANT!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF: </b>Bye!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> What do you think Sir?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> I think this young man is is pretty adept. He does make quite good points.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>FLASHBACK</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><b>Me:</b> I work in IT.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><b>Army Sir:</b> Splendid!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><b>Me:</b> In Bangalore.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><b>Army Sir:</b> Marvelous!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>END FLASHBACK</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> But what'll people think?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir: </b>You too raise valid points honey.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Clearly the military didn't issue the pants you needed to wear at home.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> But what do you wish for, dear?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF:</b> I wish to marry him...</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> YAY!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF:</b> ...but...</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Wait, wha? 'But'? Anything that came before a 'but' is now negated!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother: </b>Tell them you will listen to us and marry the guy we pick for you!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF:</b> ...</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> Girls these days, they get a taste of the outside world and they can't have enough of it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> I don't like it! I liked the old way when the women worked in the kitchen.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>Did she just set women back a couple of decades?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle: </b>What will your opinion be if she wants to marry him?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> I guess I'll have to look after the happiness of my daughter.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> But. What. Will. People. Think. Question. Mark.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Army Sir:</b> You raise a valid point honey.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> Tell them, tell them you worry about what people think. Tell them that you want nothing more than our happiness, tell them how people will gossip about you if you don't listen to us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> I feel you're trying to force your opinions on her madam.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Crazy Mother:</b> She's just a kid!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Who oddly must be married off right away.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle:</b> Well, I'll give you folks time to decide, we're off. Think well before making your decision dear.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Finally...I mean, goodbye.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Denouement</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>1 hour later...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Uncle: </b>That went well. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Good that we came.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> At least now the decision lies on her and not psycho serial prayer Mom. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>My Phone: </b>Buzz! Buzz!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> Hello?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>GF:</b> I decided to marry the guy who my parents pick for me, bye.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> MOTHER FU...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And that kids, is the true story of how the GF became the Ex-GF and married some guy within a month, while I got back into blogging, traveled to Vietnam with the money saved and became a Stand up comedian. Happy endings anyone?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Epilogue</span></h3>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Fraand:</b> Dude, your Ex-GF had called. Asking me to tell you to not send her emails or Facebook messages.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me: </b>Why would she tell you that?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Fraand:</b> Her husband has her Email and Facebook passwords.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Me:</b> POETIC JUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCEEEEEEEE!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fin</span></h3>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #191919; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: justify;"><br /></b></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #191919; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: justify;">This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/cadbury5star">Go here and like the page</a> if you think Crazy Mom's condition was serious.</b></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-1258468325138695332014-02-20T10:04:00.000+05:302014-02-20T13:27:15.890+05:30A brusque history of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M3oEaOFtrvY/UwWi-22Wn-I/AAAAAAAAEus/Y3Hchb-jwFs/s1600/andhra.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M3oEaOFtrvY/UwWi-22Wn-I/AAAAAAAAEus/Y3Hchb-jwFs/s1600/andhra.png" height="212" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Images courtesy Wikipedia</td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Long ago, before pepper spray was invented...</span></em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em></em><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5th century AD, near the Krishna river...</span></em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Vishnukundina king</strong>: So Telugu is henceforth our official language.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People</strong>: Telugu, got it!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Vishnukundina king</strong>: Now don't go fighting with others over that fact, okay?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People</strong>: How can we? We're predominantly Buddhists.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Ghost of Gauthama Buddha past</strong>: Make nirvana, not war. (smokes weed)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Vishnukundina king</strong>: Fair point, anything else needs to be changed?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People</strong>: How about the stupid name of your dynasty?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Vishnukundina king</strong>: What?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People</strong>: What?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">14th century AD, Telangana and Rayalaseema regions...</span></em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Tuglaq dynasty</strong>: Wazza bitches!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Rayalaseema People</strong>: Whoa! You guys are like, totally changing our dialect and shit. We can't...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Telenganites:</strong> Wait, with all the Persian influences, we talk different from you folks near the costal regions.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Coastal folks</strong>: 'Talk <em>differently</em>'.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Rayalaseema People</strong>: Can we kill them?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Tuglaq dynasty</strong>: Invasions are always fun!</span></div>
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</div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></em>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">17th century AD, Deccan plains...</span></em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Aurangzeb</strong>: They sure are!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People</strong>: Oh my god! They killed Telugu!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Costal folks:</strong> You bastards!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People:</strong> Let's put our dialects aside and join forces to vanquish...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Aurangzeb:</strong> Biriyani anyone?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Biriyani:</strong> (looks delicious)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People:</strong> HELL YEAH!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Paradise hotel:</strong> Let's patent this sonuvabitch!</span></div>
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</div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></em>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">18th century AD, Hyderabad...</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad:</strong> Well, Mughal Inc. is done for. What now? How will we obtain the required financial resources to go on frivolous hunting trips and pose sideways for portraits now?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>East India Company:</strong> Perhaps we could be of some assistance, chaps. Would you mind renting out this little stretch of land here?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad:</strong> Sold! Don't be late on your rent.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>East India Company:</strong> Jolly good! Anything else while we're here?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad:</strong> You mind keeping these barbarians out of our hunting grounds?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Hyder Ali:</strong> Watcha gonna go brother? When these rockets run wild on you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Peshwa of Maratha Empire</strong>: Let me at em! Let me at em! Hinduuuuu </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">poweeeerr!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam's older brother:</strong> Hey bro! Let me in. I won't rip your head off and claim Dad's throne. I promise! (crosses fingers)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>East India Company:</strong> You savages make it too easy!</span></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">19th century AD, England...</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Queen:</strong> I now declare these areas of this map, the Madras Presidency. Roll call. Rayalaseema?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Rayalaseema People</strong>: Here!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Queen:</strong> Coastal Andhra regions?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Coastal folks:</strong> Here!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Queen:</strong> Anyone who talks Tamil?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Modern day(but not really) Tamil Nadu:</strong> Here!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Queen:</strong> Malabar Kerala?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Malayalis:</strong> As long as no one calls us Madarasis two hundred years from now...I mean, here!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad:</strong> Please do take care of my lands, regards, the World's Richest man, the owner of a mere 2% of planet's GDP, a real...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Queen:</strong> Silence puppet!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad: </strong>Yes ma'am!</span></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">20th century AD, Indian Independence struggle...</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> We're free! We're free!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Gandhiji:</strong> Ram ram (dead).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad: </strong>I get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> You're surrounded by India on all sides.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad: </strong>Well, I still get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> Let me rephrase, you're surrounded by Indian TROOPS on all sides.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nizam of Hyderabad: </strong>I still get to...okay, you win.</span></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1952-53 AD, India...</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Potti Sreeramulu:</strong> In the interest of the Telugu people, the Telugu culture and the overall Teluguness of things, I demand a separate state for Telugu people.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> WTF DUDE! We're India now. Why're you trying to break us apart especially after we just broke apart.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Jinnah:</strong> Woo! Look at all these fertile lands Gandhi gave me!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Potti Sreeramulu: </strong>No dice! Telugu land now or I diet till death.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> Why you no listen man? We were Salt Satyagraha buddies and everything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Potti Sreeramulu: </strong>Not. Swallowing. Anything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> Fine! See if I care, you wanted Madras as your capital. The city is outside of your territory genius.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Potti Sreeramulu: </strong>(dead)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> .......fuck!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>People:</strong> Oh-Em-GEE! We're so affected by this, we're gonna break stuff!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Nehru:</strong> FINE! Every language gets states. Rayalaseema, Coastal regions, you shall henceforth be Andhra state. Now STFU and be Telugu to your heart's content.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1956 AD, Hyderabad...</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Hyderabad:</b> Hey guys, can I also play?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhra state:</b> Dude, do you even Telugu?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Hyderabad:</b> For tots guys, for tots!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhra state:</b> Yeah, we'll take just that part I guess.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Hyderabad:</b> YAY! But what of the left overs?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Telangana:</b> Wait, what?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhra <strike>State</strike> Pradesh:</b> Give the non-Telugu scraps to them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Karnataka:</b> I feel like we're getting a shitty deal here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Maharashtra:</b> Chillax dude, at least we ain't East Pakistan.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Not yet Bangladesh:</b> I hate everyone so much!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>1969 AD, Andhra Pradesh...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Telangana:</b> Um, guys...could we...get some water?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhra Pradesh:</b> Shhh! We're watching Aradhana...ahem...in Telugu subtitles.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>1985 AD, Andhra Pradesh...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Telengana: </b>Okay, this sucks. Can you please...stop hogging all the water?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhra Pradesh:</b> zzzzzzz....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>2004 AD, Andhra Pradesh...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Telangana:</b> SCREW THIS SHIT! We want our own room and Hyderabad!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>2009 AD, India...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Government:</b> Hmmm, 42 seats? Yeah, I guess.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Telangana: </b>Woo hoo!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhra Pradesh:</b> Whoa whoa whoa, not woo hoo!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>2013 AD, some IT company...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhrite:</b> You know, these Telangana people are only good for eating and fucking. Hyderabad is our baby. Why should we give it to them?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Skeptic:</b> Are you sure?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhrite: </b>YOU BLASPHEME! You're a supporter of the anti-christ Kejriwal, aren't you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Skeptic:</b> Anarchist.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Andhrite:</b> I won't hand over Hyderabad to you or Telangana. It has IMax!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Skeptic:</b> (sigh)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>2014 AD, Delhi...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Government:</b> So Telangana's happening y'all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Pepper spray Gopal:</b> Over my can's dead nozzle!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Skeptic:</b> (deeper sigh)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>2020 AD, some other IT company...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>APJ:</b> Why isn't India a super power yet?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Cyberabadite:</b> You know, these Secunderabad people are only good for eating and fucking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Skeptic:</b> (deepest sigh)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Fin</span></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-74247548379483476532014-02-17T16:21:00.000+05:302014-02-17T22:30:55.669+05:30Top 5 less popular Hollywood actors that need our love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman made me realize how little people know of him, if at all. Although I'm not in support of a man with 3 kids who ODed on heroine, I did like the actor he was and more importantly, his characters. It got me thinking, there are so many actors out there who appear on screen and it's obvious that actor playing that character. Case in point, Nicolas Cage for ANY role he plays looks like Nicolas Cage pretending to be someone else.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then there are the character actors who get into the skin of their roles, making a fictional person seem more real than most people we meet. Think Johnny Depp, you wouldn't recognize him if you met him in real life barring the looks. The Oscar has evaded him as many times as Leo DiCaprio.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But you've atleast heard of these people. What of the talented actors who are hardly known and even hardly cheered for? Not everyone can be an A-lister like Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Barack Obama. Most of them are "That-dude-who-played-that-dude-disguised-as-another-dude".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is a list of those actors who've done so much in their career creating a vast array of characters, that they deserve our respect, but we're too busy checking out the latest phones online. They've been ignored by awards and the public at large since they've been doing small roles to acting in otherwise bad movies. This list is completely biased and you can add in the comments section if there's a Hollywood actor out there who needs our love. This is the list of...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Top 5 less popular Hollywood actors that need our love</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5 : Robert Pattinson</span></h3>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/49/Robert_Pattinson_Paris_Cosmopolis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/49/Robert_Pattinson_Paris_Cosmopolis.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image courtesy Wikipedia, since I didn't want to Google this asshole's name</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Just kidding! Fuck this guy!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5 : It's a tie - Ewan McGregor</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For those who watch movies, you may know him as the guy from the new (horrendous)Star Wars trilogy. For those who love movies, you will know him as the heroine addict, Renton from Trainspotting. Ignoring the much hated prequel trilogy as a younger Obi Wan Kenobi, McGregor has portrayed a Southern naive young man in Tim Burton's <i>Big Fish(2003)</i> as well as Jim Carrey's love interest(yes, love interest) in <i>I Love You Phillip Norris(2009)</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I like him personally since he's an avid motorcycle traveler, having traveled from his native country of England to USA via Russia(aka, the long route) all the while helping UNICEF in the countries he crossed. Why aren't the ladies swooning over Mr. NiceGregor yet?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ewan McGregor is the definition of non-eccentric theater actor who keeps getting small and insignificant roles in mediocre movies. He needs a pat on the back and some oil for his bike.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Recommended watch</strong>: Trainspotting, I love You Phillip Norris, The Ghost Writer, Big Fish, The Men Who Stare at Goats</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Not recommended</strong>: The Star Wars prequel trilogy</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#5 : It's a tie - Idris Elba</span></h3>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZWpHzdTBZOA/Uvs08rrbosI/AAAAAAAAEr8/uA67My8Qds8/s1600/elba.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZWpHzdTBZOA/Uvs08rrbosI/AAAAAAAAEr8/uA67My8Qds8/s1600/elba.png" height="108" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I didn't add Idris Elba to not seem racist. He'd completely slipped my mind till I saw <em>Pacific Rim(2013)</em> once again in theaters. Apart from the awesomeness of giant robots punching giant monsters in the face, I noticed that the best parts of the movie were the scenes with this man.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I would think that you can make any movie awesome by putting in Idris Elba. Take <em>Prometheus(2012)</em> for instance. The set design and production was amazing but the story was convoluted at best(screenplay vomit at worst). The filler scenes which happens so that we can digest(regurgitate) the plot, weren't boring due to the his character of Captain Janek. You might think I'm giving him far too much credit and you would be wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I'm not a huge fan of the (obligatory)<em>Thor movies(2011, 2013),</em> but apart from Sir Anthony Hopkins and the delightful Tom Hiddleston, only Elba stands out as non interchangeable character</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Sadly, despite being a competent actor who can play both menacing as well as compassionate, Elba needs to get more roles to show off his acting chops. Let's give him a thumbs up for his talent and one more for that moustache.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Recommended watch</b>: The Thor movies, RocknRolla, Pacific Rim, Mandela: The Walk to Freedom</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Not recommended</b>: Prometheus, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#4 : Bryan Cranston</span></h3>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_wJSNGQAlog/UvKGEW9atDI/AAAAAAAAEqI/5HA5QDjGmj0/s1600/cranston.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_wJSNGQAlog/UvKGEW9atDI/AAAAAAAAEqI/5HA5QDjGmj0/s1600/cranston.png" height="185" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why is the much beloved Heisenberg on this list? Hasn't he been getting enough attention now that Breaking Bad ended? Well, you may be surprised to know how this man appears in almost every movie in smaller roles. Except for <em>Little Miss Sunshine(2006)</em> and <em>Argo(2012)</em>, you'd have hardly noticed him in <em>Saving Private Ryan(1998), The Lincoln Lawyer(2011), Contagion(2011), Rock of All Ages(2012)</em> among many other movies. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But what really made me impressed with Walter White is his resume on voice acting in a whole lot of different characters - Vitaly the Russian tiger in Madagascar 3, Slizzard the nasal voiced villain in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, James Gordon in Batman: Year One and several characters in The Simpsons and other animated shows. He even played the voice of Ram in Ramayan: The Legend of Prince Pam in the English dub.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best part? He'll be in the upcoming Godzilla remake as well as having a role in the next Kung Fu Panda. After all, he is the one who knocks. Give this great man a hug!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Recommended watch</b>: Argo, The Lincoln Lawyer, Little Miss Sunshine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Not recommended</b>: Slizzard episode in Power Rangers, Total Recall, John Carter, Drive. (Just checkout YouTube for those clips.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#3 : Edward Norton</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Poor Eddy! He was nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar on his debut role as a molested and later murderous alter boy with multiple personality disorder. He lost to Cuba Gooding Jr's portrayal in <em>Jerry McGuire(1996)</em>. He was once again nominated for his role in <em>American History X(1998)</em> as a racist skin head. This time he lost to Roberto Begnini and his 20 cups of coffee. While the elitist buffoons failed to acknowledge him, we'll forever remember the menacing "<em>There never was an Aaron, Counsellor</em>" and Derek Vinyard's eerie smirk while being arrested for brutally murdering a black man in cold blood just minutes ago.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Most people recognize him as the Narrator from <em>Fight Club(1999)</em>. He made us empathetic towards the everyman as much as he did for the neo-Nazi and a murder suspect. He's an example of someone who looks similar in every role but is entirely a different person.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Let us pray to the movie gods to bestow upon this poor talented man, better roles and better opportunities to shine, which has evaded him as much as he has evaded the limelight.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Recommended watch</b>: Primal Fear, The People vs. Larry Flynt, American History X, Fight Club, The Italian Job, Moonrise Kingdom and a 10 second cameo in The Dictator.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Not recommended</b>: Kingdom of Heaven, The Illusionist, The Incredible Hulk, The Painted Veil</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#2 : Guy Pearce </span></h3>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tRkBzIWbKv4/UvNAEbP1iHI/AAAAAAAAEqk/360cc2kYqCY/s1600/pearce.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tRkBzIWbKv4/UvNAEbP1iHI/AAAAAAAAEqk/360cc2kYqCY/s1600/pearce.png" height="102" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Easily my favourite actor in the list for several reasons. He's good looking, talented and has done a variety of roles and people hardly know him other than <em>Memento(2000). </em>Granted, that is one of the best movies of all time, it still didn't showcase Pearce for what he fully is.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Hardly anyone knows his role as an annoying drag queen in the little known Australian comedy</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <span dir="auto"><em>The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert(1994). </em>While he was floating along playing minor roles and (far)side characters in landmark movie <em>L.A. Confidential(1997) </em>and <em>The King's Speech(2010), </em>no one bothered to notice this man changing physically and mentally for each role.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span dir="auto">I was watching a neigh unheard of movie <em>Lockout(2012)</em> on TV when I noticed that the acerbic bulked up protagonist looked remarkably similar to a bulked up Guy Pearce. Only when the credits rolled(yes, I saw the whole thing) did I know that I was looking at Guy Pearce, the only saving grace of a drab and clichéd sci-fi film.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was equally witty and charming as the villain in <em>Iron Man 3(2013)</em>, a role I felt mirrored the already witty and charming Robert Downey Jr. But far from the onscreen and internet sensation that is Robert Downey, Pearce remains in the shadows of greater actors and bad movies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">How about we invite Guy Pearce for nice dinner and ask him why he doesn't believe in god?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Recommended watch</b>: The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, L.A. Confidential, Memento, The Proposition, The King's Speech, Lockout(Just for his role), Lawless and Iron Man 3</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Not recommended</b>: Ravenous, The Time Machine, The Count of Monte Cristo, Prometheus</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">#1 : Gary Oldman </span></h3>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/6hugJ3c2LlI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Gary Oldman is the cinematic chameleon that people hardly notice, with just a single Oscar nomination. Watch the above video, he's played a Wanna-be Jamaican pimp, JFK's assassin, a comical bad guy in the Fifth Element with a southern accent, the menacing badguy in Leon: The Professional, unrecognizable as Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols, a witty gay poet, Dracula and of course, the most realistic Commissioner James Gordon this side of trimmed moustaches.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Watch the video above and you'll know what I mean.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is all apart from the fact that he did the voices as the villain in Quest for Camelot and Kung Fu Panda 2.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">No one has been proficient enough playing the bad guy while being a good actor. Gary Oldman deserves a standing ovation for being the most unsung hero after Mr. Hoffman's passing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">And you thought he only played Sirius Black.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Recommended watch</b>: Sid and Nancy, Prick Up Your Ears, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, JFK, Bram Stoker's Dracula, True Romance, Léon: The Professional, The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Quest for Camelot, Dark Knight trilogy, Kung Fu Panda 2, Harry Potter series.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Not recommended</b>: Lost in Space, A Christmas Carol, Planet 51, The Book of Eli and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy</span></span> </div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3588292184954494759.post-17474389805176668532014-02-14T09:40:00.000+05:302014-02-14T11:44:12.818+05:30Valentine's 2014: A guide for him and her<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Step 1: Grooming - Be a Modi fan boi</span></h3>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t9-JMdOeunA/Uvuw4njVoBI/AAAAAAAAEsM/eCaNHyM-UJc/s1600/namo+tattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t9-JMdOeunA/Uvuw4njVoBI/AAAAAAAAEsM/eCaNHyM-UJc/s1600/namo+tattoo.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://blogs.wsj.com/indiarealtime/2013/07/27/introducing-the-smart-namo-the-modi-phone/">The Wall Street Journal India blog</a>; oddly under the article of the NaMo smart, the Modi phone</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nothing says sexy than everyone's favourite right wing Gujarati dictator...uh, I mean...Future Prime Minister. Slather your Facebook wall with NaMoness by sharing World War II style propaganda posters and go insult any secular/congress/intellectual/leftist/firang/clean shaven bastard who disagrees with you. Before you want to be the sex magnet all women desire, make sure you lose these relatively useless features...</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sense of humour</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Affinity for facts</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Patience</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Logic</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">The probability that you will finally land a girl will be increased ten fold, just like the progress of Gujarat over the last 7 minutes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Step 2: Flirting - Be a witty and charming stalker</span></h3>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y3e38Wgu4x0/UvzMlzFD_zI/AAAAAAAAEtA/4_WHl2f1m78/s1600/darr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y3e38Wgu4x0/UvzMlzFD_zI/AAAAAAAAEtA/4_WHl2f1m78/s1600/darr.jpg" height="295" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source:<a href="http://www.bangalorewishesh.com/top-slideshows.html?view=detail&id=2807"> Bangalore wishesh</a>; List of Shah Rukh Khan's most <em>romantic</em> songs</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They've banned smoking in movies, which means that it's wrong and we don't know any better. But they haven't banned stalking, which means that it's A-OK!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No one likes a creepy and uninteresting stalker. You need to impress her with your personality.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana;">If you haven't landed a girl automatically with your all mighty NaMoness(how yaar? Stupid wonly those girls!), you'll need to take the initiative and go out there to hunt your female. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I encourage being proactive over reactive. Let me explain...</span></div>
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<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Reactive</strong>: Jump in the path of the girl of your desires and 'propose her'. She will be shocked on seeing you for the first time in her life and run away. Silence is the biggest invitation of them all. Proceed to follow her from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. The feeling of being watched and touched inappropriately all the time will be too much for her and she'll want more. BAM! WIFE!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Proactive</strong>: Proceed to follow the girl of your desires from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. BAM! WIFE!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><strong>Caution</strong>: Make sure your fingertips are as witty and charming as your facebook profile. Else she'll fall for someone who is touching her more than you are.</span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Step 3: Courting - 'NO' is spelt 'R-A-P-E'</span></h3>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PTCpcNGs6yg/Uvz2sFLNTQI/AAAAAAAAEtc/Jz6vwUEh0D0/s1600/goddesses.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PTCpcNGs6yg/Uvz2sFLNTQI/AAAAAAAAEtc/Jz6vwUEh0D0/s1600/goddesses.png" height="299" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even they're asking for it<br />
Source: <a href="http://www.saisathyasai.com/india_hinduism_gods_goddesses/">Some website</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: justify;">This is merely a bonus step for those who are still unlucky to hear 'no' from the lips of your beloved future slave. Who knows, maybe she's into the corruption of science and openness and all. But we shouldn't waste time moping around being normal, we should go out there and avenge our egos with our holy swords of justice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Just one poke and she'll be ejected from her family, her house, her school/college/job, her society and her book club. With nowhere to go, she'll come running to and fall at your feet asking for forgiveness. Feel free to let her be on the ground as long as you wish while your ego recovers the earlier rejection. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Once your benevolence finally gets aroused, proceed to pick her up, take her home and proceed to do onto her what got her in this place already. Why? All that running and falling down probably killed off your baby, so time to make a new one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><strong>Tip</strong>: If she says 'yes' , do it. If she says 'no', she is shy wonly, so do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Women's guide</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Step 1: Grooming - Let's put a smile on that face</span></h3>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zNATxArjZYE/UvzJ4m1JAHI/AAAAAAAAEs0/OMinzG_7IMM/s1600/lip+job.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zNATxArjZYE/UvzJ4m1JAHI/AAAAAAAAEs0/OMinzG_7IMM/s1600/lip+job.png" height="400" width="362" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kakihara, a character from the Manga <em>Ichi the Killer; </em>obviously happy about his make over<br />
Source: <a href="http://silenthillcommunity.com/viewtopic.php?f=3331&t=434215&start=20">Silent Hill community forum</a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You wheatish ugly woman! Who will ever marry you? That's right, marriage, the only thing you're good for. Actually, pregnancy is the only thing you're good for. Do you look good? Of course you don't. Let's modify your natural appearance!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These are the things you need to change about you before you can even hope for a guy to notice you...</span></div>
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Skin colour</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lip shape(refer Koffee with Karan for ideas)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nose shape</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eyes size(big is good)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ear shape</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Facial hair</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Armpit hair</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Leg hair</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Hip size(big is baby bearing good)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Bust size(big is <strike>hubby</strike> baby feeding good)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Stomach size</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Finger size</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Toe size</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Nail colour</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Personality</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Attitude</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Everything</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Everything</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Everything</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Step 2: Flirting - Be traditional</span></h3>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0u4Isg_qSbo/UvzN-HixFuI/AAAAAAAAEtM/19owO-2_dXc/s1600/tradition.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0u4Isg_qSbo/UvzN-HixFuI/AAAAAAAAEtM/19owO-2_dXc/s1600/tradition.png" height="243" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: <a href="http://www.hindujagruti.org/">Hindu Janajagruti Samiti website</a>; under the section - Awakening of Rightousness...wait, is she a firang?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No one likes a modern woman. Full time bad lady wonly she, all drinking winking reading weading working shorking! Chee! Go home and start cooking you dirty girl!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">When you meet him, remember to join your hands together and bend over such that the top of your head touches the ground he walks on. This will give him the confidence to impregnate you later on. Make sure you look him only in the eye and mustache. If his eyes wander all over you, take it as a compliment and commence to write the sanskit verses of the Rig Veda with your big toe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Next, serve him tea while he tells you about what it's like to go outside the house and see the sky. Tell him about your aspirations to give birth to all 8 of his children or die trying.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Seal the deal by covering your face with the pallu of your saree and fluttering your eye lashes at him while your parents barter with his parents on how much they should sell you for. You go girl!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Step 3: Courting - Marriage or death!</span></h3>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hp_6s1sIjOA/Uv20FFZBLVI/AAAAAAAAEts/O-zQBRCBA68/s1600/girl_s_marriage_dilemma_v2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hp_6s1sIjOA/Uv20FFZBLVI/AAAAAAAAEts/O-zQBRCBA68/s1600/girl_s_marriage_dilemma_v2.png" height="442" width="640" /></a></div>
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Venaihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02228778354230559958noreply@blogger.com4