Ultimate Aberration

Zombie - Parody for the IT person

2012-01-20T18:56:00.000+05:30

Zombie - The Cranberries

Zombie - The Me for the IT you

Every mouse click holy,

Soul is slowly taken.

If the experience, makes no difference,

Why do we for-saken?

But you see, it's for me, it's for my fa-mi-ly.

In your head,

in your head you are Changing,

With your tie and your hair,

And your smile and your spine.

In your head, in your head, you are crying...

In your head, in your head,

Zombie, zombie, zombie,

Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,

In your head,

Zombie, zombie, zombie?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...

Another freedom's breakin',

Life is taking over.

In the defiance, earphones in balance,

Tune in to Iron Maiden.

It's the same country since nineteen-ninety.

In your head, in your head they're still working,

With your mails and your mouse,

And your tie and your eye.

In your head, in your head, you are dying...

In your head, in your head,

Zombie, zombie, zombie,

Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,

In your head,

Zombie, zombie, zombie?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,

Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a...

Photo of the week #1 : 2012 New years

2012-01-02T13:01:00.000+05:30

1st Jan 2012

Allahabad - Man with face abnormality finally finds purpose in life

The 2012 phenomenon : How to get rich when the world ends

2011-12-22T15:30:00.001+05:30

This topic was posted on my company BB with the title “21-Dec-2012 (Countdown - 365 Days to go)”

Hi,

Well all say 21-Dec-2012 willbe earth'sdestiny. or will it?

The Mayans said it a looong timeago...Well i came across a few things and it does feel something might happenon that day.

they say all the planets will be in aunique eclipitical path towrads the sun for a brief moment.

The Bible talks about a piossible "endof days" or a God's warth towards Humans for Ignoring Him.

The Hindu Sacred book - The BhagwadGita- also says the Kaliyuga will come to an end on this day, thus completing a 5,135 year period (5000 + years ) andalso talks a good days all over again.But when kaliyuga ends it also says apossible catetrophe.

Many say Nostradamous predicted this.They are so wrong. Because simple, he did not. He says earth would endsomewhere in 7000 AD.

but by the time as Stephen Hawkingsays, mankind would have fled earth or moved to a different habitable planet.He warns of a Third nuclear war which would send huge flashes of light thatwould kill millions.

Also, NASA and SETI ( Search for ExtraTerristrail Intelligence ) say we might be attacked from creatures from adiffernt world..FYI , we are not alone.in the world...there are trillins andtrillions of galaxies in this universe and billions of planets harbouringlife...please accept this fact.

So what would happen...lots oftheories...please share what u think..thanks....

OOOOOH! Scarryyyy! Butjudging by facts and common sense, consider these points:-

Mayan calendar – doesn't predict anything. It is merely the end of what they calleda 'long count' (~5125 years) which is something like a century or millennium tous. On 21-12-2012, one long count ends, another begins. Calling that the end ofthe world is equivalent to panicking about the Y2K bug, and did that reallyhelp?

Planetary alignment – what is now being said as the 'ellipticalalignment' already happened in 1998 and we're still here. So……yeah!

The Bible– has mentioned the armageddon and end of times which people say is the secondcoming of Jesus. Since everyone has said it'll happen, like yesterday, for thepast 2000 years....

Kali yuga– is a bit vague on how long it'll occur. But it is said to end when "Whenflowers will be begot within flowers, and fruits within fruits, then will theYuga come to an end". Seriously? The Kali yuga ends with poetry?

Nostradamus – is yet another ‘legend’ that needs todie. As if poetry wasn’t vague enough we have French poetry about random thingswhich might be related to random things happening now. ZOMG! tazz ossum lolzzz!!!1!None of his ‘predictions’ have a date stamp on them anyways.

Not reallyclear about Stephen Hawking though. Or about the huge flashes of light thatsomehow kills millions.

NASA – would be last organization to endorsein this ‘phenomenon’. So any one who announces formally that “we might be attacked from creatures from a differentworld” needs to find better hobbies. Whatever happened to playing gamesoutside of facebook?

We might notbe alone in the universe, but at least we’ll have time to figure out forourselves with no given time constraint of 1 year.

STILL NOT CONVINCED???!!!

WELL, I’M ABOUT TO OFFER YOU THE 1 IN ATRILLION BET!!!

THAT’S RIGHT! ALL YOUHAVE TO DO IS BET FOR THE ODDS OF THE WORLD ENDING, WHICH IS

1 : 1000000000000

Just send me 1$ RIGHT NOW!!

WHEN the world ends, you’ll get ONE TRILLION DOLLARS!^*

That’s right, you could be aTRILLIONAIRE OVERNIGHT!

ONE TRILLIONDOLLARS!^*

If the world doesn’t end, then it’sonly a measly dollar(in your local currency).

ONE FUCKINGTRILLION DOLLARS!^*

Think smart! ThinkMayan! Think ONE TRILLION DOLLARS!^*

BET NOW!

* Conditions apply. Valueof dollar is subject to market change. Please read the offer document carefullybefore investing. Oh right, there is no offer document. Yo mamma so fat, thatwhen she jump into the ocean, all the whales have a reunion. Compliments toyour eyesight and patience for still reading through this. But seriously, stop believingin some shit just because there was a movie based on it. That too a bad movie. Verygay movie. Do you know the guy who directed it, Roland Emmerich is also totallygay. I got nothing against homosexuals, but any guy who ruins a batman movie needsto not make movies again. I mean, he ruined it so bad, they had to bring inChris Nolan to bring Batman back from gay hell. It’s a figure of speech, thereis not actual hell or heaven. Which would kinda make it weird if the world doesend. That’ll be one long awkward silence. Wow dude, you’re about as jobless asI am if you’re still reading this. Go out and absorb some sunlight orsomething. And stop stalking my blog.

The HIV infected blood in Pepsi hoax

2011-11-23T17:51:00.001+05:30

I saw it on flash news. Dont drinkthe pepsi products they are contaminated by a company worker who has put hisHIV blood in some of tha bottles. No one knows where it has been distributed sob careful

Here'sa detailed scrutiny of the above statement(not the bad grammar)

"Isaw it on flash news...."

Really?Did you really see it yourself? Or did you HEAR it from someone who has seen iton flash news? "Me frie...I saw a UFO yesterday!"

ButI really did see it dood!

Youseem to be confident person, so tell me, how come the news channel thatbroadcasted the flash news still haven't posted it on their website? Don't lookat me, check it out yourself.

"....sawit on flash news...."

Rememberthe Bird flu? An epidemic isn't broadcasted on flash news, it'll be all overevery news channel competing for your attention and their ratings. When a hugecorporate is involved, the media has much to chew on so they would never missthe chance now would they?

Butnowadays media is after trivial news na? They leave this kinda stuff to socialnetworks only!

Imaginean alien space craft landed at the centre of your MG Road during rush hour. This could bethe single most significant event in the history of mankind. Every commuter hasgotten out of their vehicles and are taking and uploading photos of thespacecraft via their cell phones.

If you were a reporter coincidentiallystanding at the scene, would you:-

a) Start takingsnaps as well and provide exclusive coverage of the event to your news networkfor a shit load of money.

b) Shrug andthink "Meh! FB and twitter has it covered. I'll just keep taking photos ofthese Amitabh Bachhan toe nail clippings in the trash"

"....Dontdrink the pepsi products...."

Socan I still drink 7up, Sprite, Fanta, Mirinda, Thumbs Up, Banta, Bovonto, CampaCola, Appy Fizz, Grappo Fizz, Limca, LMN and Tropicana Twister? Thank God forcapitalism eh?

"....thepepsi products they are contaminated by...."

Fora company that caters to most of the world, you'd think they'd have enoughsense to have a massive recall rather than being sued and loosing face andmarket percentage world wide. Just because of some sociopath in their company.

Butmaybe they don't care about the Indian market no!

Really?ForIndia's Consumers, Pepsi Is the Real Thing - September 16, 2010, Businessweek

"....contaminatedby a company worker...."

Pepsimanufacturing is NOT done by humans. What you are imagining is a factory withworkers stirring the liquid in a huge barrel and manually filling it intobottles which come along on a conveyor belt. That would probably be true assome black and white footage of the process several decades old. No 'worker'would be able to have manual access to anything except the raw ingredientswhich would be filtered anyways.

"....put his HIV blood in some of tha bottles...."

Forthe last fucking time, AIDS can only spread through 3, repeat, THREE ways:-

Unprotected penetrative sex thing(but you already knew that and are thinking about which porn site to browse right now)
Blood transfution or sharing of needles(directly from blood stream to blood stream)
Mother to child via pregnancy which for some reason can be avoided some of the times now.

Evenif you drink infected blood or infected body fluids (why the hell would you?),your stomach acids will kill the virus.

Butwhat if we have cuts on the inside of our mouths?

Thevirus can only infect you if it enters DIRECTLY into your blood stream. Thisobviously means, much like most techies, the virus can't survive in the harshoutside world. Unless you are a corpse, the inside of a pepsi bottle qualifiesas harsh outside world.

"....Noone knows where it has been distributed so b careful "

Thenhow do we know that there is a contaminated pepsi batch? Can't they just tracethe worker to the batch and thus the distributed areas? Or did the worker sendan anonymous letter to his employers or the press about what he did? Vattaiominous warning! Vattai mystery!

Ifyou still are not sure about it(Idiot!), google it and see how many differentcountries have a similar diabolical HIV +ve Cola company worker spilling hisblood all over the place. I think the world has enough REAL issues to worryabout if that is what you were after.

Possibleorigin: PEPSI(Post Exposure Prophylactic following Sexual Intercourse) is an acronymused by medics for a course of treatment given after someone suspects he or shemay have been exposed to the HIV virus. Not sure about the validity.

Either ways, stop forwarding me the stupid warning and stopforwarding the stupid warning to potential idiots who might forward it to me.

Ra.One : The 3 hour SRK commercial

2011-11-19T02:08:00.001+05:30

What it could have been	What it is
The opening scene : Introduction to the technology
Finally an India movie exploring the realms of science fiction or usage of current technology in a unique way. Eg:-Electromagnetism used in Enthiran	A "groundbreaking" and condescending seminar about technology several decades old, told in Hindi to non Indians, in order to minimize cost of INTELLIGENT script writing and maximize viewership of Hindi fanatics.
SRK playing Shekar Subramaniam, A tamil scientist
Finally some acting skills shown as homage to his fans from South India and their legendary intelligence.	SRK taking a messy diarrhoea shit all over Tamil Nadu would've been better than watching the initial pointless 20 minutes of Tamilian SRK inclusive of "Ayyo" "Dosas" "Rascal", bad Tamil, worse acting and a mockery of MJ, Mr.Bean, women to name a few.
SRK’s character
A father who’s juggling work and providing for his family along with trying to earn the respect of his child in the terrible teens.	An annoying dork with pubic hair on his head that just won’t shut the fuck up and needs to be right and loved at all times.
Kareena’s character
An expensive piece of meat men can salivate over and lose other body fluids who’s dialogues don’t contribute to the plot.	An expensive piece of meat men can salivate over and lose other body fluids who’s dialogues don’t contribute to the plot. Also she’s a chammak challo.
SRK's son character
A confused teen who couldn't find a role model in his docile father due to the overbearing image of the badass amongst his peers.	An androgynous organism playing a bollywood Gen-Y stereotype who can't act for shit.
G.One, the superhero
A mission oriented robot with no emotions but is required to understand and emulate human beings.	An aging actor showing no talents :- Trying to look kewl Trying to make money Trying too hard
Death of real SRK, appearance of Robot SRK in family
A take on the psychology of people when they lose a loved one who is later replaced by a machine which has the looks and memories of the loved one. But is that all we look for in another human being or are our emotions deceiving us into accepting an artificial version rather than face the tragedy of the loss?	SRK giving sexual innuendos in hip thrusts and having neon chain mucus pulled out of his nose by Kareena.
Rajnikanth's cameo as Chitti the robot
Homage from one superstar to another	A mind numbingly pointless cameo that makes no sense and is followed by the characters of the movie showing respect to Rajni in an intentionally exaggerated mocking way. SRK borrowing Rajini’s credibility because he has none of his own.
Any other details of the movie : The game, the villain, the plot
Consists of at least moderate intelligence to match up to the budget of the film.	Has nothing to do with logic or script writing budget. Has everything to do with SRK’s hair gel budget.
Summary of the movie
Technology can serve or enslave humanity depending on our choices.	The scene where Attention Whore Khan eats spaghetti and curd with his bare hands. It is a metaphor which demonstrates that:- He'll do anything disgusting to get your attention. He'll mix random elements(eccentricity and racism) that end up being bullshit. The motherfucker thinks he's funny and cute. So PLEASE, kindly go suck his dick right now. He’ll die without your unconditional LOU!

A teaching experience to remember

2011-10-25T09:18:00.000+05:30

WhenI first saw the mail about the company sponsored program asking for volunteersto teach 5-7th standard Kannada medium school kids English, my reaction was thesame as any other average person. I thought "Hm! That's nice." and was about to hit the delete button whensuddenly my brain flashbacked to a phone conversation I had with my Mom.

Flashback:-

Mom : Soif you don't want to do an (over hypedand stereotyped) MBA, what is your plan (to conform with what, we 'adults', view as society)?

Me : Idunno. maybe I'll travel the country side and teach poor village kids Englishand teach their parents about planned parenthood or something, thus solving theproblem of over population and education on a very small scale in this country.

Mom :Yeah, well, let's put that in the list of dreams (and list of things which I can't mention to my stick-up-the-assaccquiantances about what my son does).

So Iasked myself - "What wouldChe(Guevara) do?"

Chewould probably make sure these kids get their education and then pick up a gun,shoot the nearest fattest capitalist and piss all over his dead body.

Andso, I volunteered, with absolutely no previous experience or clue on what I wasgoing to do. A few meetings, purchases and vague strategies later, we were onour way to the school located few kms away from Mysore road along Kengeri(thevery outskirts of Bangalore). I was as prepared with kids or teaching Englishas I was with urban warfare in Afghanistan.

Whenwe reached the site, we were welcomed by a small 1 storey school and ground, alot of strange looks from the people in the vicinity and a lot of smiles ofcuriosity and anticipation from the kids. As clichéd as that sounds, theirexcitement reminded me of my days in school when we had someone else to takeclass, other than the plump middle aged lady teachers we see(and get bored of)everyday.

Our class - 5th and 6th combined. Have you paid this much attention in school?

Ourgroup was divided into teaching two classes - 5th and 6th combined and 7thstandard class. I was taking the 5th and 6th along with Priyanka miss, Reannamiss(who were both fluent in Kannada) and Nijay uncle(who, like me, just knewhow to say "Swalpa adjust maadi").

Priyanka miss being da boss while Reanna miss watches on

Initiallywe were just shuffling around thinking of what to do or where to start from. Atleast I was, but I covered up my confusion by pretending to take photos. ThenPriyanka and Reanna took over and we just followed suit.

Tobe honest, there were the obvious communication gaps and bungling around butMAN! The energy from the kids was tremendous. I mean, when they were confidentthat they were right, they'd just shout out at the top of their lungs. Thesekids really wanted to learn English. With their boost and the Kannada speakingMadams' leadership, Nijay and I entered the fray.

The arms folded courtesy while answering

Indu and Krishna from the other(7th Stdi) class which apparently made more noise

Wewent from introductions to a huge alphabet book with pictures. The kids knewtheir English enough to spell most given words and recite the alphabets. Sincethis was a Kannada medium school, they were taught to pass the English examsomehow(read : by hearting - This is India after all). There were a few whoneeded extra help(Enter the Priyanka miss) like a drop out of 2 years.

Nijayand I did most of a placard game, where we asked individual kids by using aplacard to indentify the alphabet, or the image on the placard and say at leasttwo other words they knew starting with that alphabet. A simple chocolate prizewas a good enough incentive to play well. And you complain about peanuts huh?

Againthe energy of the kids was astounding. They were shouting out the answers,standing up to raise their hands the highest were giving answers which mightnot hit us normally. Priyanka again had to play strict disciplinarian to keeporder in the class when the rest of us were just doing the best we can. Theschool teachers helped the kids form words and then disappeared like Batmansoon afterwards. Kinda like "You'renot making my kids look stupid in english IT company man! NO WAI! Now I need togo check up on Harvey Dent"

The pencil is mightier than...not having a pencil?

All writing and no coloring makes Jack a dull boy

Look! I finished first!

Weended with making the kids write down the alphabets within a ruled note book.Remember those? the RULED note book with lines to make sure you got youralphabet's proportions right? Most of the kids finished up their work in greattime and did the activities like dotted lines, colouring etc. Just to makethings not too boring.

Wefinished up with giving them writing exercise and a prospect of future classes.Since it is customary for such young school kids, we signed their class work. Ipersonalised mine with a smiley face on each page. Not the colon and bracketabomination of today, the thing which few of our teachers used to give us whenwe really deserved it.

This picture is worth a 1024 words

Finishingup, remaining chocolates given to smaller kids, tried their food, took groupphotos and returned back to the company as IT professionals(including rantingabout our idiot bosses).

Da group(from left) : Nijay, Reanna, Arjun, Krishna, Indu, Priyanka and yours truly

If Idie now, I'd die as a man who didn't have a completely useless life.

Epic rap battles of India : Anna Hazara v/s Arundhati Roy

2011-08-24T05:04:00.000+05:30

Inspiredfrom Epic rap battles of history from youtube

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF INDIA!

ANNA HAZARE:

I'm THE Anna Hazare!

Saint of justice and honesty.

You're just a raving sociopath,

I represent civil society!

What?

You think you're an intellectual

with your awesome Booker prize?

HA!

Your literature was merely

incest pornography in disguise.

You shout "Politicians and Corporates

and theIndian Army suck!"

Well how about a solution

to get this country's gears unstuck?

I may not be perfect,

But I've earned the nation's respect

So pick up a flag,

you insufferable hag

or continue to be opinion columns reject

ARUNDHATIROY:

There's nothing civil bout your society oryour fast old man

You're just making more noise than anyone elsecan.

So you think that you're Gandhi

just 'coz they arrested you?

That's only our dumb Government,

they never have a clue.

Your publicity is a joke

and so are your rallies.

Your so called supporters

are just fugitives from silicon valleys!

I'm the Goddess of small things,

supporting Maoists and the common man.

What can you do for them

with your elaborate dietary plan?

ANNA HAZARE:

You ignorant fool!

I AM a common man.

I live in a village

and survive on my pension plan.

But I've united this nation,

Only Sachin could do a better job.

So stop talking outta your head,

and writing like sucha snob.

ARUNDHATIROY:

Your movement is useless,

it just brings out posers.

Why, look at Baba Ramdev,

and his yoga loving losers.

Once your draconian bill is passed,

your 15 minutes will be done.

Then the citizens will say,

"Checkout our new country, just like the old one"

ANNA HAZARE:

Can I make EVERYONE happy?

No, I'm not Santa Claus!

But I can improve the scene,

by tackling the root cause.

India should be ONE NATION.

So screw your conspiracy theories and you.

You just whine about 7 issues

from the 5 places you've been to!

Can corruption be fully eradicated?

Nope! In India corners will be cut.

So do us all a favour

and please keep that mouth CLOSED!

WHO WON?

WHO'S BEST?

YOU DECIDE!

Avial @ Chennai August 6th

2011-08-15T01:55:00.002+05:30

Rs.500

That’s not the monthly wage of the construction worker livingin that conveniently ignored slum near you or the denomination of the paperthat Chonia Gandhi uses to wipe her elegant eye-talian behind, that was therate of the tickets for Avial’s performance at Chennai on 6^thAugust, EARLY BIRD RATES! We were lucky enough to be able to contribute to theeconomy by blocking a whole bunch of tickets at Rs.750 rather than pay thatextra Rs.35/ticket if we buy the tickets online(all the money incidentally,WON’T go to orphans with diseases). Now I won’t mention which hotel inNungampakkam, Chennai charged us an obscene amount with no proper planning forthe event, but.....

Them assholes said we couldn’t get in without having shoes?WTF! SHOES?! For a band from Kerala? We Malayalis will start wearing shoes aspart of our dress code when the rest of the world start eating Kerala cuisineswithout complaining about the coconut oil. Yeah sure, part of club policy, wedon’t look as kewl as you management people, etcetera etcetera etcetera.Despite all the “No dogs and chappal wearers allowed” attitude going on, we gotin without much of a problem.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention waiting in queue for our ticketsto get printed and arrive at the location....with about 200 other people....ina passage way that’s 4 feet wide and 20 feet long....for about half an hour.Doesn’t sound too difficult? Compared to what was about to follow, yes.

Once inside, we realised that our over priced entrance ticketmoney was well spent on an average sized room with no AC, no ventilation,pointless flood lights, even more pointless revolving stage lights, patheticsound equipment and local booze. Inside we noticed that they didn’t even letTony(vocals) get in with his usual shirtum-mundum combination outfit, even hehad to wear pants and shoes. Why not increase ticket rates to Rs.2000 and allowentry for only those with suit and jacket and a silver spoon up the ass mewondered. Maybe it was us, maybe it was the band or maybe it was the brain deadbastard controlling the audio output, but Avial’s sound check just took TOOFUCKIN’ LONG!

After the Avial cleared the area and the crowd startedbecoming restless, Benny Dayal came on stage. They kept us all entertained,expect one fine gentleman who wanted to show all the drunken characteristics ofthe fathers that sired him.

Then began yet another half another wait while Avial weredoing…what ever it is they do for half an hour backstage while their audiencewaited for them……without AC…without ventilation….with huge pointless lights inour faces….and even more pointless moving lights spinning around near ourcrotches.

When the audience finished singing all the Malayalam songscomposed since the time of Adam and Eve Menon, the band FINALLY, kullichu kuttappanmaar aayi powder okke itteethi (TRANSLATION : bath-taking-powder-wearing-good-boys FINALLY got onstage).

Tony straight away started his weird-stoned-snake danceroutine in his usual outfit. First time I saw it, it was entertaining. Afterthe Aanakallan video, Tony just turned from a Malayali to a KOMALI, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HAAA…. …..moving on.

Obviously they opened with Aanakallan. In the before, youcould get drunk from just listening to Avial songs. Aanakallan is special, ifyou listen to it when drunk you sober up. It’s kind of like reading a religiousscripture when horny and getting turned off.

BUT! Aanakallan live was actually a good song, not an Avialstandard song, but a good song. Tony kept us entertained with his speechimpediment thing and shiny head. Rex (lead) was just being quiet as usual whilethinking in his mind “Heh! That’s mahmusic you be appreciating bitches. Now bang those heads!”

In all honesty, the 1^st Avial album was justperfect and the old songs made us forget the heat, the sweat, the lack ofoxygen, lack of money or lack of proper organizing on behalf of our esteemedhosts in the awesomeness that is their hotel.

Tony kutta! Aanakalla! We saw you not singing all the linesof every song. Ah well, at least ‘Ayyo’ was written for you. Rehearse more da!Even Rex was getting tired of your on stage stand up comedy.

Eventually, the heat and carbon dioxide got to the band aswell. Binny(bass) showed us mercy and sprinkled the water from his bottle ontothe crowd. Mithun(drums) who had totally burned out(twice) from his bad assdrumming, walked to the front of the stage and poured the water over his headas though saying “Yeah! I’m dying here too”. Suddenly, out of nowhere jumps outDoucheMan™, defender of posh hotels and clubs. DoucheMan™ just got verballyviolent on Mithun for chilling out. DoucheMan™ doesn’t care that it was hishotel that ripped off so many Avialheads and provided sub-standard service inreturn, DoucheMan™ was the ass slave of the hotel empire and he’ll startfoaming in the mouth and barking like a rabid dog if one molecule of water touches his beloved hotels belovederequiptment. DoucheMan™ saved the day and may he rot in hell for that.

No matter how much we started to enjoy the Avial songs, wewere constantly swarmed by buzz kills like the equipment control guy (“Saar saar! Dan touch lightings.”) or the barmixers (“No coke saar! Soda vatter.”)and even idiots in the crowd (“Dude! Ihave no respect for Metallica, they’re buncha whores”). But the greatest of them all was the sound mixermudda fugga(who will henceforth be referred to only as mudda fugga).

Tony : Can we havemore sound on vocals please?

Mudda fugga :zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rex : (gestures more sound on his guitars)

Mudda fugga :zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Everyone : ……………..

Later,

Avial : Chaapa Kurish song>

Chick : Chaaaapaaaaa…….kurisheeeeeeeee……….

Tony : More sound on vocalsplease

Mudda fugga : (gives Tony the middle finger)

Everyone : ………………..

Even later,

Tony : Please turn offthe flood lights it’s too hot.

Flood lights : (OFF)

Tony : And rotate therevolving lights upwards.

Revolving lights : (points upwards)

Avial : (Resume)

Flood lights : (ON)

Revolving lights : (revolve like hell)

Everyone : WTF!

Mudda fugga : (continues to masturbate)

Safe enough to say that we got tired of all this bullshit and got out before the damn thing endedand missed Aadu pambe and Nada Nada. Ah well, choose a better place next timeAvial!

The awesomeness of Ong Bak 3

2011-06-15T22:32:00.000+05:30

Stuck in Trissur, waiting for our bus back to Bangalore, we decided to pass time by watching whatever movie was playing wherever. We arrived at the famous Raagam theatre which was showing Tony Jaa’s Ong Bak 3. This was preceded by half an hour of auto guys refusing to even stop for us since we didn’t walk, talk or look like locals. Bleddy racists!

Don’t misunderstand the word theatre for the word multiplex. This was your typical laacal theatre where the place smells like 5rs packet pop corn and you couldn’t book tickets from the comfort of your own home. And how much did the tickets cost?

Taz rite mudda fuggas! And no, you high maintenance bitches, the place wasn’t infested with rats, rapists and the stereotypical assassination-in-the-dark-gang-wars. But it wasn’t infested with Gucci, Versace or Lacoste either (originals anyways).

As for the movie, well, critics praise it for the action/buffoonery but criticize the (lack of) story. Oh right, it was also dubbed, badly, as in #EPIC #FAIL stereotypical mallu accent dubbing. Dialogues include:-

Visual : Heroine being dragged away by bad guys.

Audio : No no....late me go no....no no....say-ww me no....HELLLLLL-P!

Visual : Bad guys beating villagers and elephants with sticks for no apparent reason.

Audio : But! The new king rooled the king dum with even more wickedness and deceit.

Visual : Good guy’s final confrontation with main bad guy.

Audio : You CAN’T killll ye LE-GENT!

Visual : Bad guy ready to throw a spear at the good guy.

Audio : Now get reddy....to go....to the king dum of the DEH’DD!

Now since I have nothing much to do, I shall explain the story SCENE BY SCENE, which is the sequel to Ong Bak 2 and the prequel to Ong Bak or some shit like that. SPOILER ALERT!

1. Flashback about some evil king.

2. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using his chains.

3. Some noisy shit about some evil king.

4. Bad guy does stuff(excludes acting well).

5. Some noisy shit about some evil king with CGI.

6. Heroine performs weird bendy Thai dance for Tony Jaa.

7. Audience falls asleep.

8. Flashback about some evil king.

9. Tony Jaa trains and puts on fake beard.

10. Some noisy shit about some evil king.

11. Intermission.

12. Audience wakes up and consider leaving.

13. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using his bare hands.

14. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using a stick.

15. MOST AWESOME SCENE : Bad guy gets cursed by head of person he just decapitated.

16. Bad guy kills heroine.

17. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using elephants and huge statues.

18. Bad guy kills Tony Jaa.

19. Tony Jaa rewinds to before scene 15 magically. (Seriously, he does!)

20. Tony Jaa kills bad guy.

21. CREDITS : Directed, Produced, Written, Starring, Choreographed by Tony Jaa.

22. Audience leave theatre wondering what just transpired.

I was actually left with one question : How does one rule a kindgom with wickedness and deceit? I get the wickedness part, you can just be an asshole and rule a kingdom. But deceit? Does one trick people into stuff for the kingdom which wasn’t their task or something?

“You! Servant! Go polish my shit stained shoes with your tongue, as I RULE this kingdom with wickedness!”

Servant leaves to salivate.

“Actually, someone had already polished my shit stained shoes. LOL! I also rule this kingdom with deceit.”

This is the only trailer I could find with all the crap I was talking about as well as bad sub titles.

My exit interview (this was my ACTUAL goodbye mail)

2011-04-22T09:40:00.004+05:30

< BCC Unintentional, I wanted to put it under 'To' but kept the wrong text bar>

So let us start with something generic about your last 2.5 years.
My last 2 years 6 months and 24 days has been a journey of immense experience and intellect and blah blah blah. Seriously, I can’t do this bullcrap.

Ok, so how did you join this company?
They came and scooped up most of us and threw us in a truck. Reminded me of the alien invasion movies where the aliens needed to harvest the humans’ brain.

Tell us something about your training in Mysore.
No!

PLEASE tell us something about your training in Mysore.
That’s better. Mysore DC is an awesome place. They have all the best facilities and expect you not to use it. Only the Phunshuk Wangdu-esque people both scored well and had fun, bless their souls to burn in hell. The rest of us either had the time of our lives, or was stuck in that 3 letter mega structure working hard and studying something which they won’t later use in our randomly allotted projects.

So you are saying that the training provided was not optimized.
No, I’m saying that our training made us ready to face any challenge throw at us by the outside world. I mean, just yesterday, a guy desperately asked me for directions in JSP format to get to the hospital. My main stream was Mainframes but I was also trained in Java. So I was able to help him out at his time of need. Even though I haven’t touched Java EVER in my company, my training saved a life in the real world and for that I feel like a God.

Did you say Mainframes?
No, I said many more things, weren’t you listening?

I meant, are you proficient in Mainframes?
If by proficient you mean almost got kicked out of training(multiple times) since I couldn’t get what those hieroglyphics on black screen meant, then yeah, VERY proficient.

I’m guessing you liked Mainframes.
Totally, I liked it so much that I thought of writing the main exam twice.

How happy were you when you got posted.
As happy as an H1N1 virus when it finds a moist warm host during the winter months.

Really?
Nope. But at least my friends were around in the same location. I mean, it’s not like they just randomly throw everyone to every other location into some department randomly, not considering what they were trained in. I’m sure they take into account what we are good at or where we might NOT want to be posted and how friendship might be the only thing that’ll keep us alive through the upcoming hell.

So how good is your location?
The city, as always, is the heights of awesomeness. Then the sub urban areas around the city are nice. The outskirts of the city are ok I guess. If we survive the nuclear test sites and deep jungles, we will get to enjoy our office located in the middle of nowhere(read : very cheap land).

Did the location help increase productivity?
Definitely! You need to travel a couple of light years to get there. Once there and you find out you have little or no work for the day, you’d be too dead to go anywhere else and just sit there chilling in the AC. So the office looks full at all times. Aesthetic productivity, you see.

Even otherwise were you being productive?
I don’t like to kid around, so yeah, I’m a bad employee. I do my work at my pace and don’t care. I don’t proactively open my mouth for them to insert next task and/or excretory organ. I don’t take enough initiatives to gain domain knowledge as it is boring as hell. I do not feel like reporting each and every trivial matter to my superiors so that I can make them and myself feel important. I do however have excellent communication skills which are of absolutely no use to anyone.

Were you at least available all the time ready for work?
Mostly I’d sit around reading Wikipedia, but I was informed as to how much of a terror threat that would be. I agree, since all that excess of information will make our brain cells active again thus hindering the process of obediently listening to mundane instructions. Now I just sit in my cubicle eagerly waiting for work. If I get bored I’ll maximise and minimize the window and try to get my fastest timings.

So your relation with your superiors are….?
More awesome than my family. They make sure that every small effort I take is ignored, even if I just mention it to them directly. Thankfully, all my errors, repeated or individual, are noted and mentioned to me at every turn of my wonderful life.

We’re running out of time here. Is there anyone you wanna thank before leaving?
I’d like to thank my family for supporting my decision to unplug from this system. I’d like to thank God, and the Devil also, since without him God would just get bored from not having any rival.

Any shameless self-advertisement?
Keep checking my blog : venaied.blogspot.com

Make fun of my photos : attemptsatphotography.blogspot.com
Promote my webcomic : www.yourangsthere.com

My number remains unchanged but my last cell drowned, so I don’t have all your number. Feel free to pull pranks on me since I most prolly don’t have your number.

Last few words?
Drink lots of water, listen to your parents at times, have a great CLIFE and fuck you all!

Sex and the City 2 aftermath

2011-03-20T04:57:00.001+05:30

Yesterday I watched Sex and the city 2 completely as part of a dare. WORST.150.MINUTES.EVER!

A movie of such caliber can't be directed, it can only be congealed in some toxic waste dump of bullshit and designer wear. They should change the name of the show to 'Shallow Bitches'.
Following in the footsteps of Sahil(aka The Vigil Idiot), I compiled a list of things which I did recently that are LESS gay than watching that travesty, so as to make myself feel better. So here's Venai's list of things that are...

Things that are less gay than watching Shallow Bitches 2
10. Watching gay porn for 3 seconds out of morbid curiosity(lame excuse, I know).
9 . Letting cousin sisters put make up on my face, inclusive of listick.
8 . Watching a movie with Shahid Kapoor in it, other than 'Kaminey'.
7 . Thinking about marriage while still being single.
6 . Discussing the 'No idea get idea' commercial with another living being.
5 . Sighing.
4 . Using the L word to someone who's drunk, while being drunk.
3 . Saying "cho chweet" sarcastically(also lame excuse).
2 . Any activity involving Rindo Ramankutty.
1 . Sleeping on a couch with 2 other guys...
...with only one pillow
...in the afternoon
...while NOT drunk!

The Tale of the Poojari and the cat

2011-02-02T21:09:00.000+05:30

Wonce yeppon a dime, dere wass a Poojari in a demble. Dis Poojari duss poojas wonly yeveryday. During the poojas no, he...

ERROR 983 : Stereotypical South Indian accent overload

Reloading file…

Target : Dialogues only

Comments : Chumma :P

Once upon a time, there was a Poojari in a temple. The poojari used to perform poojas daily. While performing the Pooja, he had to sit in one spot without budging. That is pretty much the setting for this story.

One day, a cat came inside the temple while the pooja was being performed. Seeing all the colorful arrangements for the pooja, the cat got all excited and started playing around with it. The poor Poojari couldn't get up and shoo away the cat, so he did the only thing he could do, pray to the God(s?) to turn the cat to ashes. Unfortunately, (the?) God(s?) work(s?) in mysterious ways and didn't find time to remove all the moisture from the cat’s body thereby performing the ash transformation.

After many days of the cat's antics, the Poojari finally lost it and called his assistant, Shanku…

Poojari : Dai Shanku potta! Vat assistant you are man? Yeveryday I am doing the pooja, yeveryday that poocha is being a nuisance jembing around me and yeveryday you are zimbly sitting. I vill take strict action against you!

Shanku : Saar saar! Pleeease saar. I...didn't know saar. I...saar...saar...I…

Poojari : Vat yaar? Al-WAYZ giving these excuses. But I vill forgive you dis time only, since you are still yeng. But you do wone thing. When I am performing the pooja no, you catch that poocha and trap it under that kotta. And keep something heavy on top to stop the escaping of the poocha. WOGAY?

Later that day, when the Poojari started his pooja, Shanku sprang into action. He caught the cat, put it under the basket(yeah, kotta means basket) but he couldn't find anything heavy to put on top of the basket. So he took one of the bigger lit lamps(vellake) and kept it on top. Once the pooja was over, the lamp was doused, the cat was let out and everyone was happy.

This routine happened everyday till the Poojari retired and Shanku was made the new Poojari upon his mentor's recommendation. So Shanku was listing out the set of responsibilities for his new assistant,

Shanku : ....then there is a Yakshi that comes at midnight only, dan't mind her, she is some attention seeking bad lady da. And yess, the poocha. When I am doing the pooja, you make shure that bleddy poocha is trapped under the kotta. Else it will disturb me fully and I will be kalip. Dan forget to put the vellake on top of the kotta. WOGAY?

The new asistant was slightly confused at the last request, but he too needed recommendation and followed that order daily like his predecessor and everyone was happy.

Eventually, Shanku also retired and the new assistant came. He told his apprentice,

Newest Poojari : Listen , during the pooja no, get hold of poocha and put it inside of the kotta. Else it is bad luck for the pooja. WOGAY?

The latest apprentice searched everywhere for this bad luck poocha but couldn't find it. The life expectancy of a cat in those days was less than the promotion cycle of 2 Poojaris. So the apprentice went to town, kidnapped a pet poocha, brought it to the temple, put it under the kotta, trapped it there with the lamp and lit the lamp. Thus, everyone was happy.

After doing this daily and that too with which ever cat he could kidnap, he too earned the position of the next Poojari. Needless to say, once he became the new Poojari, he gave a very familiar speech to his new assistant.

Familiar speech giver : You know, in this demble, while the main Poojari is doing the pooja, that is me only. So while the main Poojari is doing the pooja, the junior should go to the town, take some poocha, bring to demble, put kotta on top, put vellake on top of that and light it. Yeverything done before the pooja, WOGAY?

Now this new guy was way too kind hearted to kidnap any cats so he went to town and walked into a house which he thought was nice enough to own a cat.

New guy : Namaskaaram dear House owner!

House owner : Many many namaskaarams! So nice to be seeing your types of people gracing the existence of my home with your precense.

New guy : Please please. You are being too nice wonly. It is you who is gracing the existence of myself with your home.

House owner : Such humility. Please don’t expose yourself to the sun this much. Come inside and find the seating you wish. Shall I grace the existence of your tongue with my wife’s tea?

New guy : Your kindness is increasing wonly, not at all decreasing. But now I can’t find the time as my mentor is waiting for my triumphant return. I merely stand at your entrance for the smallest of small favours, for our temple’s sake.

House owner : I am finding myself even more jubilant of the worthiness deemed upon me by yourself and your temple. Please to be telling the favour and I will gladly run against the rotation of the earth to fulfill it.

New Guy : Your kindness is too much. What I needed was zimbly a cat, no other extra accessories.

House owner : Zimbly a cat? That is too easy sir. But you seriously have to taste my wife’s tea Sir.

The conversation was getting too annoying, so long story short, the New Guy got the cat from the house owner, took it to the temple and everything went on as always. Daily, New Guy would go to the same house, drink the lady’s tea and then get the cat. Everyone was happy.

Skipping through a lot of time and narration. Currently the temple is very famous for its unique ritual. Every day, the temple’s assistant poojari goes to the Thengakola house(descendants of the House owner), gets tea served to him after which the house owners provide the assistant with the house cat. All this is tradition. Once the house cat it taken back to the temple, the hapless animal is kept under the basket and trapped there with a lit lamp on top. Only then the main Poojari will begin the Pooja.

Some believe this is done as the cats raised by the Thengakola family is a reincarnation of the Lord Bramha himself. Other religious philosophers think that the back in the old days, the people considered the cat as a symbol of evil and wanted to trap it within the basket to that is does not interfere with the cleansing ritual being performed. Still other philosophers add that the lit lamp to be the light of hope keeping back the darkness that is the cat. Tourists and locals alike strictly adhere to the rules so that the land remains prosperous, and everyone was happy.

Only you and I know what the real reason was for keeping the cat under the basket, but dan tell yenyone, WOGAY!

Ophiuchus, the 13th Zodiac sign everyone hates

2011-01-20T08:17:00.000+05:30

BREAKING NEWS : There is now a 13^th sign in the Zodia. That’s right! Ophi-phe-phu....um, Ophe-ou-chus? Is that how it’s spelt? Ophyu....OH! Ophiuchus. Now I got it. So Ophiuchus, the serpent bearer, is now the 13^th sign in the zodiac. Here’s an image of the constellation getting dooowwwwn.

Baffled idiots are confused at these turn of events.

Said Baffled idiot

Thank you Baffled idiot. We now go around the world gathering stories about peoples’ reaction to the new zodiac sign, since they don’t seem to have any good opinions about global warming, the Taliban regime and the recent onion prices.

Bobby Jo the Redneck had this to say

I dun care bout em crazy stars mumbo jumbo. As faaares I know, GOOOOD created everythaang. GOOOOD created em stars, and em ass-tro-mo-lorgy. GOOOOOD created sci-yence. GOOOOOD created dat child in ma 14 year old daughter’s tummy, nut me or ma systematic incestuous rapes, but GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD! And by GOOOD, we shore ain gunna abort dat dere child, no wai!

A ditzy girl said

I used to be a Cancerian, and now I’m a Gemini. Like, can you believe it? I am so totally a Cancerian. The zodiac says that cancerians are supposed to be sentimental spineless weaklings. That is SO me! Gemini is just like, ewwwwwwww! I can’t believe they did this to me, it’s like some huge inconsequential bullshit totally ruined my life! HMPH!

Dog on street quoted

Woof woof! Arf! ........(chews ass).......... WOOF! ...........(continues to chew ass).......

A 1 billion year old frozen single cell organism was heard saying

Man! The zodiac has become all commercial now. I mean, Scorpio this and Taurus that. You know back in my day, there used to be only one zodiac sign. That was cool, being one unified race. I had a bad feeling when they brought in the second zodiac sign. But I was up for change. Now I knew I should’ve gone with my gut feeling. Of course I got no guts, being a single celled et al.

Dude with zodiac tattoo said

Dude! I had my sun sign tattooed on my butt cheek and it was so #EPIC. Now my temporary insanity which scarred my ass permanently, was like, a total #FAIL. I used to be known as ‘Dude with zodiac tattoo’, but now I’ll be known as ‘Dude with wrong zodiac tattoo’. Game over man! I can’t change my body to please the establishment. I’m just gonna go kill myself.

The Prince of Darkness himself had a comment

Oh yeah baby! I was waiting for this day for all eternity. The 13th symbol is the 3rd and final sign for my arrival upon the mortal world where I shall rule for a thousand years. In case you're wondering, the first two signs was the recent war started by Bush and Rakhi Sawanth getting her own show. So yeah! In yo omnipotent face god. That's right, I get to say god without a capital G. How cool am I? Come to think of it, a reign for a thousand years isn't all that long when you live forever. What a waste of time, and I have to get my clothes ready if I'm going out and....you know what, screw the reign. Y'all will blow each other to bits with World War 3 anyways. That's right, the recent Korea v/s Korea thing will turn into WW3. Bet you didn't see that coming? Huh losers?! I RULE! Sorta.

The author of this rant also had something to say

There’s a new zodiac? Can they even do that? I mean, who’s the zodiac decision committee? There are only a million constellations out there so why not just keep adding till we have a different sign for every hour of everyday of the year. HA! Now that would keep those con artists we call astrologers busy! I mean, who cares for this crap anyways, besides a vast majority of humanity. I don’t believe it. And I can’t believe I’m quoting myself. That’s kinda cool you know. Echo....echo......echo...........echo. Awesome! I can do an echo and everything. But in all seriousness folks, I had just gotten used to being two fish in the 69 position and now I realise I’m a water bearer. I’ve always felt like a water bearer all my life. It’s like life is suddenly looking up for.....no I can’t do it. Bullshitting about this is too hard. I mean, a middle aged muscular half naked man with a huge snake between his legs, that’s, I dunno, suggestive at the very least, and the topic of several upcoming internet/twitter jokes at the very best. I wish those born to this star all the best in handling their identity crisis. I also wish the very best to those idiots who are going around petitioning for the zodiacs thingy to not change, idiots! By the way, the guy with tattoo really did kill himself.

Your Angst here!

2011-01-10T03:22:00.001+05:30

All our hard work came into fruition. We proudly present - Your Angst here! Our very own webcomic.

www.yourangsthere.com

Support our grand cause!

Top 5 most #EPIC Fashion ideas

2010-12-23T06:11:00.000+05:30

This post is brought to you by brandmile (India's most exclusive shoppping club) and my general hatred towards fashion and anything related. You know brandmile is awesome by all the lower case letters and the extra ‘p’ in ‘shopping’. I’m not kidding, google it now and check.

#5 : Stop Child abuse

Recently, there was a thing going on in Facebook, where they asked everyone to change their display pic to that of a cartoon for a week. As gay as this sounds, I too, took part. Only recently did I find out that this was some elaborate scheme to stop child violence. Here’s the proof for those who didn’t know.

This doesn’t sound naive and pointless at all. I’m sure all those child abusers out there tremble at the power of the facebook display pic. If nothing, everyone is ‘aware’ of the child abuse problem only after putting a cartoon as your display pic. So I’m thinking, why stop there? Don’t just put up display pics of your favourite toons, dress like them. Now the already trembling child abusers will be on the knees begging for forgiveness from the costumed kids/freaks. Only way this can backfire is if those abusers like fantasising and roleplay!

#4 : Women’s T-Shirts with the cute captions

I’m all for equality, but girls who wear “Hottie” and “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing” are just a dark alley away from achieving their goals. But who am I to stop the women’s liberation, I just meant that the message should be clearer than those convoluted pretend-cutsey tees.

#3 : REALLY low rider jeans

Low rider jeans was the greatest invention before the sliced bread. Everyone enjoys looking at most of your underwear and get a sneak at your ass crack. But now fashion needs to grow and this trend needs a major modification, like maybe pulling your pants down, ALL the way.

PROS:

Ø Global warming can’t affect you, the air circulation is just too good

Ø You don’t need to wait that extra few seconds when going to the bathroom

Ø People won’t be so conscious about their shoes anymore

CONS:

Ø Rapists

Ø Walking is a difficulty, so is running(esp important when being chased by rapists)

Ø Um.....Wallets?

#2 : Clowning all the way

Women like to do their job and make men laugh and/or have sex with them. That is why they put on so much make up, to look like clowns and/or prostitutes that cater exclusively to clowns. To add to the sex appeal, put on big red rubber noses, which doubles for safe clown sex (RUBBER noses).

#1 : She-Fe-Male

A woman who dresses like a man is SEXY has hell. A man who dresses like a woman is... FASHION. If you were going to say ‘Gay’ or ‘Transvestite’ then you are a hindrance to progress, of fashion. Eventually all men should have bleached white skins, no facial hair, pretty pink shirts, nail polish, high heels and the ability to bear children! HA! Take that Harley Davidson, Metallica and anything that’s manly!

Avatar deleted SEX SCENE

2010-12-23T02:43:00.001+05:30

Couldn't put this up on directly my facebook lest I be judged by the prudish hand of society. So I give to you, the deleted Avatar Sex Scene, it really is 18+, so those who REALLY don't know about the birds and bees, GET LOST!

Kudos to Harry Patridge, the guy who created this!

Feed like you'd wanna be fed [Akshaya Patra Program]

2010-12-14T22:16:00.002+05:30

Click link for website

The NGO, Akshaya Patra is giving an opportunity to those who'd like to donate this Christmas season a great chance. They basically deal in providing mid day meals for underprivileged children. Started out in 2000 with 1500 children in Bangalore, and currently providing for 12,53,266 children.

This was all started by Madhu Pandit Dasa, an IIT engineer turned spiritual leader and an entrepreneur for the social cause. He stated that "Poverty is the primary cause for lack of education." Atleast this takes care of the lack of proper nourishment part of poverty. The organisation distributes freshly cooked healthy meals in more than 5000 government schools. For most of these children, this is the only complete meal in the entire day. This added incentive of coming to school thus improves their education exponentially.

Look at the size of the kid on the left, he's too small to fend for himself in this world

You can read more about them from the wikipedia page or this article by Time magazine. What I've observed most is that many people out there want to donate towards the under privilaged, but either don't know how/where or just plain don't trust the websites out there. You can take your own judgement about donating to these people, but they ask for ONLY Rs. 525 to feed a child for a year. That is the projected costs and I don't know how to use the Rupee symbol on bloody blogspot. You can give in your Pan number and get the tax exemption certificate as well. So if the message isn't clear enough, here's something for the myopic and/or disinterested.

DONATE NOW!

Rs.525 maybe very little or a lot for us but it definitely is a LOT MORE to someone else.

How to alter the human race in 9 easy steps

2010-12-12T21:16:00.000+05:30

All you need are : A piece of A4 paper, a pen, a genetic engineering lab, connections in the media

Step 1 : Create an air borne virus that causes female/male infertility (depending on your outlook of life).

Step 2 : Create an antidote which will neutralise the effects of the above virus for a short period of time. Do not proceed to step 3 until Step 2 is complete.

Step 3 : Spread the virus globally without the consent or knowledge of the world's population.

Step 4 : Cause mass media panic and hype about the virus by calling it 'Divine Intervention' or 'God's judgement' or something like that. Everyone will believe it.

Step 5 : Announce the discovery of the antidote months after the 'epidemic' but also state the great expense and how rare the raw materials and creation process are.

Step 6 : Make sure the original list of raw materials and creation process are not leaked onto the internet by some attention seeking bastards

Step 7 : Set the price of the antidote to such a value that only a family above the poverty line can afford it.

Step 8 : A couple must undergo background checks before being given the antidote.

Step 9 : Keep track of records such that a couple can receive the antidote once and must be administered within a guarded facility.

PROS

· Poverty will cease to exist since poor people can’t have children anymore

· The problem of over population will be solved since a family can have only 2 children, and thus the strain on earth’s limited resources will be lessened

· Unwanted pregnancies are a thing of the past

· Lesser populous means more resources available, leading to less tension among neighbouring nations over common natural resources.

· Less people in public transport, tickets are made further available

· Lesser crowds in public places, leading to decreased probability of pick pocketing or molestation.

· Background checks ensure that people who are not capable or unfit to raise children in a healthy environment will not leave a legacy

· Less people mean less naturally occurring green house gases like CO₂ and methane

· Deadly genetic diseases, both physical and mental will eventually be wiped out

· Though several families will die out, since everyone dies a natural death, the method is humanitarian

CONS

· Entire African nations will eventually die out due to lack of funds for antidote

· With elimination of most poor people, nations will lose most people for their manual labour thus leading to a complete stop in functionality. In order to keep on functioning, employers will have to pay their manual labourers more wages, this will be disputed by most private organisations.

· Third world nations will less funds will be increasingly paranoid about richer countries gaining the upper hand and will protest, first diplomatically and then threatening war in a last ditch effort. This will lead to a worldwide cold war condition.

· The richer part of society, ie, the top 1% will maintain a larger control of society via capitalism since unions and workers no longer exist.

· Corruption will lead to the antidote being leaked to the hands of politicians or crime organizations. This will be later sold to the black market.

· Once leaked, variations of the antidote or the virus might be created which might have adverse effects on people.

· There may be pockets of civilization unaffected by the virus, such regions will become hotspots of violence due to the aggressive nature of the frustrated neighbouring parts.

CONCLUSION : Despite discussing a phenomenon that can alter the course of the entire human race(most probably towards annihilation), the issue of Software engineers never came into the equation. They are neither part of the method nor the consequences in any remote way. It is therefore concluded that software engineers, with their overall abundance and uselessness serve to be the least significant creature on Earth. GO DIE!

Why news suck!

2010-11-26T18:59:00.001+05:30

DISCLAIMER : These are not actual still from the news channels and have been fabricated for the sake of pointing out the idiocy. If you find the below material defamatory or insulting, then you have issues.

Why we suck : Thalaivar Vazhga!

2010-11-24T15:15:00.000+05:30

The Great Indian Blogologues [Digitally yours Madras]

2010-11-20T19:50:00.003+05:30

Prologue

I still couldn’t believe it when I got the mail from Stray Factory saying one of my posts got selected for the Great Indian Blogologues. I thought it was a hoax until Director Rajiv called me up. From then on it was a mad dash for tickets(last minute obviously) with the blocking and booking and the subsequent confusion between the two.

The Site

Stray Factory had set up a page on their site with my name on it and that was pretty much enough to impress my friends. I mean, it was the first time my name appeared on a website that wasn’t the FBI database. Then they went on to create a whole site for the event – www.blogologues.in. With our individual photos and everything. That increased the hits to my blog many fold. Those who are too lazy to check the site out now, here’s a rough idea.

Don't worry, the post gets more serious from this point on.

31^st October 2010 (D-Day)

The Gathering

I put on my Pirate hat and gathered my battalion of people (whom I bribed to make noise for me) and went for the event . I saw some of the bloggers, from a distance that is. They had 2 tickets worth Rs.500 each for the bloggers absolutely free. That is the highest anyone has estimated my net worth, Rs.1000. I know, I AM awesome! I expected someone to come up and say “hey...are you...Vinay Menon?”. Sadly, that never happened as no one gave a damn . Having no possible idea about the media coverage or what’s going to happen(or ‘gonna happen’ for the literarily challenged), our group entered Shivagami Petachi auditorium.

The Event

Show started with Mathivanan(who’s so badass he didn’t even need a mic) giving an intro of the whole thing and of the bloggers. The lights were strategically dimmed during the latter so that they didn’t look like they were socializing with nerds and/or idiots. If I triggered some insecurity in any of the selected 9 bloggers reading this, let it be known the lights were completely off for moi.

Everything about the first show can be found here -> ‘The Great Indian Blogologues – A Review’ by Rindo Ramankutty. That’s pretty much the only good complete review out there. He’s said 90% of what I wanted to say. Yeah yeah, remaining 10% coming up, be patient.

The Aftermath

Generally, theatre has this stereotype of being drab and archaic (read : Shakespeare). But anyone who has/hasn’t seen theatre before were floored. The highlights being Inspector Sathya, Mathi the terrorist, Aswath the love struck boy and the Mime troupe. The next 2 weeks were filled with facebook publicity and celebration. Metro did an article on the event talking about how they were kinda stupid and didn’t get all the jokes or something, plus an interview with the only celebrity in our midst. Some people who attended said “Besides the technical errors, the show was perfect”. To them I say – try running a show on stage for 90 minutes perfectly and then talk you whiney bitches! You could’ve at least credited the actor who improvised on stage for the technical errors.

13^th NOVEMBER 2010 (encore)

The Gathering

This time around came with just a few friends and parents quite decently. I knew Giri Vijaykumar was there somewhere since he had bought the Blogologues T-shirt before me(his name was on the list) and I ran into Zaid Mohd. Besides that, the remaining bloggers were too busy saving the world from a meteorite and couldn’t make it. If your real reason tops a broken toe, then I’d agree with you. Else, you know you’re conceited if you can’t come for your own show.

The Event

ACT 1 : Judy finds ‘the one’ by Mathivanan Rajendran

· This part is mainly monologue, so keeping it interesting by itself was a challenge. A challenge well accomplished by the director.

· Hawt girl in frame ends the opening monologue with extra emphasis on the statement “I’m a blogger, and I pollute cyberspace”. That was not really funny and completely untrue. With cyberspace full of uncensored violence, snuff, gay porn, Arudhathi Roy and what not, bloggers merely clutter cyberspace, not pollute it.

· Starting off with ‘Letter to the one’ by Judy Balan. Aiswarya Mahesh did the theatrical incarnation of the bold Judy. Aiswarya brought out a more poetic version of that, ending every sentence with a flourish.

Eg:- I like the idea of going go...UP.........on my toes...when I kiss...

I feel during both shows, the audience didn’t give her enough applause when they should’ve, thus earning Aiswarya the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 1’.

"Dear you...."

The play then seamlessly flows into a mix of ‘The F factor’ and ‘Definitely the heights’, both by Teenu Terrance. Judy’s Mom on screen is both a ‘tyrant’ but still likable.

· After his entrance and a brief chat with Judy, Mathi begins his own monologue based on ‘Why not be a terrorist’ by Charan, and he totally ‘pwned’ it. This was my favourite post under Mathi’s direction but the stage performance was even better. My favourite part being the infamous ‘pink slip’. It seemed like a stand up act routine, if nothing else.

Multiple passports beeyotch!

Mathi's line - "They should be tied to a post and tickled to death" - heights of passive aggressiveness.

· Meanwhile, Hawt girl in frame didn't just sit there being brain dead. She herself was enjoying the show put on my Aiswarya and Mathi.

· Aiswarya's line - "....a psycho that should be put away in da looony biiiin" - a nod to insults in the 50s

· In the post ‘Useless friends and loola family’ again by Judy Balan, what stole the show in this one was the Stoned photographer friend. “WAAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

· The Terrorist's growing frustration as he calls up Judy's contacts, eventually leading him to 'act out' - "Avinash the superman..nyeh!"

· The final part of the play includes ‘Dead woman partying’ yet again by Judy Balan and then ‘15 reasons to marry a female blogger’ by Pradeep Kumar. This original blog of the latter had made me cringe since I disagree with the entire post and each of the points(twice). But the on stage duo limited it to just enough to keep the audience interested before ending on a romantic note. (Yes! Judy did find the one, HALLELUJAH!).

· "Nothing fits like a Gucci" - Product placement or Capitalist conspiracy? You be the judge!

ACT 2 : Vigilante v/s Vigilante by Hariher Balasubramanian

· A sci fi act based on ‘Transference’ and ‘Heist’ by Giri Vijaykumar. I still have no clue as to why the name for the act. Now this play being based on the blogs means it roughly adopts the concept of one of them and uses the name of the other in a passing conversation. Only the clone would be a common factor in both the blog and act, the rest were new characters.

· But even at the very start, the audiences’ collective minds were blown away so much that they were cleaning up the brain matter and sanitising the auditorium for days. The reason? INSPECTOR SATHYA portrayed by Joel Nigli. If this act was Inglourious Basterds, then Inspector Sathya was Colonel Hans Landa. Kudos to whoever wrote this breakthrough character in. Anyone gonna brag and take credit for that? No? Moving on. Hereare all the lines of Inspector Sathya through out the play that I can recollect.

· One change of cast was for the gay cop Ravikrishna. He was a more menacing homosexual in the first performance. But many(including my friends) didn’t get it. So this time around, he was substituted for a more stereotypical and disturbing homosexual (“Saar! He is lika lillipop”).

L to R : Inspector Sathya, Clone, Ravikrishna the gay cop

· I liked the character of Loansharkji, the bitch aunty/gang boss who is so badass that she talks to her ‘clients’ only through her lieutenant even if they’re standing next to her. Director Hariher Balasubramanian plays the role of Barbie (seriously??!!), the lieutenant.

· One really funny line by Loansharkij had changed slightly over the 2 performances as far as pauses go.

1^st performance : Does it look................like I give...................a flying............FUCK??!!

2^nd performance : Does it look.....like I give a flying fuck??!!

This line was noted because of the varied reactions it should’ve received.

Previous Generation : Shiva Shiva! Profanity!! Chee!

GenXer 1 : Nope, I don’t think she’d give a flying fuck.

GenXer 2 : I agree with you, even if she had a dozen flying fucks, she wouldn’t give any of them.

GenXer 1 : Yup, no flying fucks to be received from her. Wanna go smoke grasses?

GenXer 2 : Totally!

· The next few scenes are a flurry of Loansharkji quoting Shakespeare(foreshadowing), scientist chicks being both funny(the Chubby one) and annoying(the other one) and Inspector Sathya figuring out the entire plot was based on Transference with a few added twists. The epiphany scene was better done than last performance and this time around the audience actually got what was going on.

No Barbie! Loansharkji said to slap the other one

· The main character(Naren Weiss) seems to have gone unnoticed under Inspector Sathya’s shadow. He played the role of confused/seemingly innocent victim well, being bullied by the Inspector. His disturbing enactment of his nail being pulled out turned my focus away from Loansharkji’s lines from Shakespeare. And finally quoting Shakespeare’s relatively unknown lines with a menacing tone was a great ending. Congrats! You have won the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 2’.

ACT 3 : Confessions of a Shattered Mind by Rajiv Rajaram

· This consists of 4 distinct skits loosely integrated in the name of science or something.

· Starts off with Zaid Mohd’s ‘Traffic Jams’ post, which is basically the Bean Jar analogy on vehicles stuck in a Traffic Jam. The post by itself kinda drags but Naveen George Thomas explains it well as a Scientific Mind complete with technical jargon.

· Cameo by Director Rajiv as Director Rajiv and the subsequent dialogue – “What yaar?” “Help yaar” “GO yaar!”

· What really blows you away is the musical Naveen himself sings and the Mime troupe enacting out Chennai traffic scenes including Vehicles, traffic signals, the dastardly traffic police, accidents and ensuing chaos. Thus Naveen gets the coveted title of ‘Sung hero of Act 3’, since he got to sing et al.

The full blown musical

jlk· The icing on the cake being the line “It is BEANS ladies and gentlemen.....the ‘S’ is silent”.

· Lisping nerdy Lalit Modi does his thing and becomes a money hungry bastard, but lovably so, in stark contrast with the real one.

· Using the mime troupe to represent a group of people was a brilliant idea, especially for the ‘Tweet Tweet’ part of the Sashi Jingle and the ‘Local piece’ enactment.

· One of the BYEST lines in the play was “To unite the upper class ....middle class ....and lower class ”. That was just too good.

· Sashi’s line “Do not worry my fellow lesser man...” was a complete miss. GRRRR!

· “He’s a Witch....BURN HIM!”

· The references to Gabriella Demetriades and Sreesanth were lost on the audience. In fact the whole anti-IPL message was also lost I guess.

How Sashi went from zero to...uh...negative?

· Ashwath Nair and his crush had a newly added opening duet dream sequence.

· ‘Truth Stranger than fiction’ by Anuraag Seshadri is a lengthy post with a story that can be fit into 5 lines – (1)Guy likes girl (2)Guy PROFESSES love to girl (3)Girl gets angry (4) Guy has humorous conversation with friends (5) Girl accepts guy as friend. Considering this, the stage performance was a vague adaptation of the shadow of the compressed-made-in-Taiwan version of the distant relative of the original post.

Lessons on how (NOT) to PROFESS your love

· This time around, there were no technical glitches and we got to see Humphrey Bogart fully. But Ashwath did have the chance to improvise when one of his would be stalkers yelled out ‘Nice ass!’.

HUMPHREY BOGART!!!

· EVIL THAI MAMA! BUAHAHAHAHAAA!!

· I had met this guy before and he behaves pretty much the same on stage. So I never felt it was put on or anything. In short, the Other scientist chick from the previous act can take a few lessons on how to over act and still look good.

· “I love you” “WHAT?” “ok.......” – CLASSIC!

· The final part was completely in Tamil and not based on anything I had ever read. But the show put on by Amzad Khan, RJ Ma Ka Pa Anand and especially Sharavan Raghavan(whom my friends called cute) was enough to make you listen to the pointless story about the ‘Mallika Sharawath polle oru pambu’

Get that snake!

· The new closing act? Inspector Sathya makes a re entrance to show them rowdies who’s Da Boss.

Ey you rowdies! Give the message da!

Misc

· The legendary Krish Ashok wasn’t available since he’s just too awesome to mingle with us mortals. Wouldn’t you agree?

· The Mime troupe involved were the MacTrics.

· At the very end, Hiphop Tamizha did a longer performance than last time. Once again, we all liked the beat box guy.

· Stay tuned for Jerome Bixby’s Man from Earth by Stray Factory!!!

L to R : Directors Hari, Mathi and Rajiv with everyone

The Aftermath

The crowd pretty much loved the performance but still left the auditorium the second Mathi said ‘Thank you’, possibly to discuss about it outside. On stage, everyone was hugging and doing back flips from the excitement of doing, not one, but TWO shows successfully. All credit goes to the Monkey. They made us look cool, and for that, we salute them!

Epilogue

I heard something about Mathi having to travel around the world in less than 80 days while still in make-up (no, he wasn’t made the Prime Minister of England, that’s just a myth). Besides that, the missing bloggers successfully saved the earth from the killer meteorite the best way they could – by making their fans write negative comments about the meteorite in support of them.

The 14th Conspiracy (Valentine's Day/Children's day)

2010-11-14T13:12:00.001+05:30

Valentine's Day : February 14th

Children's Day : November 14th

The gap between these two days every year is exactly 9 months LOL

You may have received this forward/SMS and had a small laugh before deleting it, but you may be deleting away evidence for one of the greatest government conspiracies this nation has ever seen.

If you feel the "Feb/Nov 14th" mail/SMS is just a joke created by some jobless jerk(No! It wasn't me) playing at the fact that the pregnancy period for humans averages at 9 months, then just LOL and ignore this.

But if you see as I see and feel as I feel, then scroll below on the RED title to go further down the rabbit hole! Read till the very end. The last line is the most shocking! If you are weak hearted and/or pregnant or simply choose to remain ignorant, then take the BLUE pill and kindly close the window and save yourself from the horror.

THE 14TH CONSPIRACY

[name of the conspiracy is in fact lame as it indicates that it is the conspiracy which comes after 13 others rather than signifying 14th as a date]

Coincidence or Conspiracy?

The origin of Valentine's day has always been kept vague and approximated to be sometime during 100-300 AD. The government states that all of those present during the first Valentine's day celebrations are now deceased and there were no video or photographic recordings of the event.

HOW CONVENIENT!!!

The smoking gun : The reason told to us by the government as to why November 14^th is celebrated as Children’s day is the birth of our first Prime Minister, Jawaharlal Nehru[14 November 1889–27 May 1964]. Nehru died at the age of 75. On February 14^th, 1975, P.G. Wodehouse died. Mr.Wodehouse liked both Children and valentines and both those figures have a 75, marked in yellow bold font! HA!

COINCIDENCE??

Still need evidence? Consider the word VALENTINE. Remove V,A,T,N and E. Then rearrange the remaining letters such that I comes first followed by L,E and N. Now insert C and H in front and D and R in the middle. What do you get?

COINCIDENCE????

[note the increasing font size and number of ‘?’s and be more amazed]

Not convinced yet? Take a look at the Children's Day card below...

Didn't see it? Take another look...

That's right! A HEART! The symbol of love and also the main symbol used for anything related to Valentine's day.

But the cross over is not just one way, take a look at the Valentine's Day card below...

Yes! The main subjects used here are CHILDREN!

So HEARTS ended up on a Children's day card and CHILDREN ended up on a Valentine's Day card

COINCIDENCE??????

Still don’t believe? Then the following images may shock you. It is the reason I’m having cold shivers right now, that or the fact that my socks are wet.

The greatest evidence that there is a link between Valentine’s day and Children’s day was released in 1996 by the government itself. Maybe one person in the government wanted us to know the truth and designed the 10 rupee note to carry a hidden message.

Then the following images may shock you. I know I said that before but I’m repeating for added effect and suspense. Follow the instructions to reveal the secret message hidden within these notes.

Step 1 : Take the back side of a 10 rupee note

Step 2 : Fold the note in half like so

Step 3 : Fold the tip of the upper half as shown to align both the ‘10’s written together

Step 4 : Take a pen or marker and write down following letters to reveal the hidden message and with it the truth!

THE TRUTH IS REVEALED! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

And that isn’t the scariest part. As mentioned in the beginning, the difference between the 2 dates within a year is 9 months. Now add one to that. Why? Because I said so!

9 + 1 = 10!!!!

COINCIDENCE or CONSPIRACY??????

How to create the perfect Sci Fi movie

2010-11-12T12:33:00.002+05:30

Direktor : So tell me your story, I have lotsa movies and moneys to make!

Person : Sure thing stereotypically greedy director. The title of the movie is....

Person : This story is set in 2150AD, a nice round year. Human society is very different from than what it is now.....as in.....different from what we see in sci fi movies now. People wore.......very.........futuristic.........thong bikinis!!!

Direktor : Thong biki..?

Person : You heard me! Humanity needed to keep itself cool from the catastrophe of global warming. That and fashion seems to be moving towards lesser clothes so it’s believable. Also, being such a wasteful civilization, there were no more natural fuels. We depended solemnly on Arudhathi Roy’s forever talking head to generate the infinite needs of man.............

Direktor : Wait. Wouldn’t global warming have melted.....

Person : I’m getting to that. For now, infinite energy from Roy’s talking head...on a stick. Using the technology of sound harvesting or something..... I forgot to check that stuff out on Wikipedia. Anyways, Global warming has sunk ALL of the continents except Australia for some reason. So everyone is in Australia wearing thong bikinis.

Person : Humanity now had so many awesome inventions like the zero calorie hamburger, the iPod© that fits on your eyelashes and you can change songs by just blinking and multipurpose condom which smells...

Direktor : OK! Enough setting, start the fuckin story!

Person : So we open with 6 friends – Judy, Michelle, Jacob, Robert, Sam and Carla. Judy has invented a time machine to go back in time to kill Hitler’s Parents and dog. Michelle started a theme park where through genetic engineering, they’ve resurrected extinct comedians like Robin Williams, Govinda and Sonia Gandhi. She calls it ‘Why-did-we-resurrect-such-moronic-comedy Park!’. Now Jacob, he’s a visionary. He invented the serum that no one knows what it does....since he hasn’t tested it. But it would be something truly awesome. Robert has the gift to foresight. He became a trillionaire by predicting the stock markets and by going to the parties where Abhishek Bachhan won’t be there. Sam had some other clichéd science fictiony kinda backstory to him also. Carla was just a bitch.

Direktor : Sounds like a complicated vaguely interesting story.

Person : One day, everything changes when they all meet and they all....SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND DIE!...ALL 5 of them!...Thus ending all possibilities of yet another sitcom.

Direktor : Weren’t there 6 people who were introduced to the audience in a chaotic manner?

Person : Yeah, Carla was killed by a truck. The driver hated her ‘cause she was a bitch. So going on to the introduction of our main character, a person who’s name isn’t generic, a person who’s name you won’t forget, a person who deserves a sentence with 4 commas just to be intro-ed. He was....COMMADER CHICKENSHIT! The Leader of the space ship – FAT BASTERD! And with it, he flew off to fight the alien menace.

Direktor : Wha? Space ship? Commander?

Person : Oh right! I forgot to tell you about the apocalypse. There was like, this apocalypse that totally ruined the earth, it was, THE GAY APOCALYPSE! The virus spread by affecting who ever tuned into the 2^nd season of Coffee with Karan.

Person : The virus wasn’t created by a scientist who wanted to play God, it was created by a scientist who was dared by his friends over the last slice of pizza. Once the virus had infested the minds of every person, their farts smelt like strayberry soufflé. Stage two of the infestation includes complimenting each other’s dressing sense. Skipping a few stages, finally everyone got really gay. Since gay people are clean and friendly, the world decided to destroy all it’s weapons of micro and mass destruction. Thus every nation was left defenceless but didn’t care since they were all being gay together. And that’s when, Commander Chickenshit flew off on his ship...the Fat Basterd...to fight the alien menace.

Direktor : Wha? Alien menace?

Person : Oh right! The aliens. There were these race of aliens. We discovered their planet when the gay captain of our gay space exploration ship used the gay navigation controller joystick for gay purposes and accidentally landed on their planet. Their planet was located in the star system. Now these aliens were WAY better looking than us humans like with more muscles and nipples and all, but they didn’t have advance technology. After finding out there was life on another planet, they wanted to conquer our race. Not for any specific reason, just because they were assholes. Also Pamela Anderson was the only human that was their same cup size and had the same number of nipples. But they didn’t have the technology, so they devised a plan where all the aliens jumped onto the back of the Black aliens and...

Direktor : W...w..w...wait! Black aliens? As in African American aliens?

Person : YEAH! What did you think? That the aliens were just one unified single culture race? Dude! That’s racist! That’s as racist as thinking the future has only Caucasian people with maybe one black/Japanese dude.

Direktor : Did it?

Person : NO! The human race was predominantly Chinese and Dravidian due to their large numbers even before global warming. Once the water levels rose, these two races knew how to swim well. 99% of the Americans drowned since they were obese. That’s where our hero comes in, Commander Chickenshit – an Indo-Chino-Irish midget with horns. And he also eats small children.

Direktor : Why did he have horns?

Person : ‘Cause his mom was a goat shepherd.

Direktor : Oh...............OOOHH!

Person : So yeah, Commander Chickenshit, fat basterd, alien menace. As I was saying, the aliens jumped onto the backs of the athletic black aliens and they jumped onto our planet. These aliens came with the ultimate death weapon, a wooden board! Unfortunately, humans had already destroyed all their weapons and gay people don’t fight very well. So the aliens enslaved humanity in about 17 minutes. But the aliens had one weakness, the music of Celine Dion.

Direktor : So humans defeat them with the simplest resource? End of story!

Person : No, Celine Dion was too gay even for gay people, so they had destroyed it along with the weapons of mass destruction. But they had to go to plan B. Send a space ship with the Commander and his crew to the alien planet and make them gay also. Then have a huge inter galactic gay orgy. So we had the line up – Commander Chickenshit, Lt. Female Character, Jeff the mentally retarded ninja and a dung beetle. Lt. Female was a blonde without an hour glass figure, flat chested and didn’t have make up that stayed on even in space. So they set off to the alien planet of . On the way, Jeff opened the hatch and got sucked out into space. Rather than just floating away, he pretty realistically blew up into a bloody mess in the vacuum of space. Then they’re attacked by the evil alien warlord – CHIEF ASAFAHOOJI!

Direktor : How can he attack a space ship? Didn’t the aliens not have any technology?

Person : Ya...but the chief...hid...behind the time machine on the space ship and picked the right moment to attack, right when Commander was on the toilet! By the way, the time machine part is foreshadowing.

Direktor : Lovely.

Person : So they all fight using the alien technology of wooden sticks. But Chief Asafahooji had the most advanced computer from their planet. With it he squashed the dung beetle. Commander had no choice but to throw Lt. Female at the Chief and run like crazy into the time machine. So he hid in the time machine and what happened next wasn’t clichéd or predictable at all, he was sent back in time to the exact point in the past where he could alter the future and solve the problem that was plaguing his time line. So everything started to get black and white and grainy in the year 2012.

Direktor : WAIT! In 2012, they had color. We even have color now, and it’s only 2010.

Person : That’s because....everything in 2150 looked way more....awesome and colourful.....as when compared to 2010....since....gay people.....had...SUPER VISION! Yeah! Super vision. They obtained that vision through evolution, since they needed good vision to spot another gay in a huge crowd.

Person : So as I was saying, The Commander landed in grainy black and white 2012, just a few hours before the gay apocalypse. He figured out that if they gay apocalypse hadn’t taken place, people will still have weapons and would be able to fight off the aliens rather than run away like sissies.

Direktor : Look, I don’t have much time...

Person : Patience! So he started off to find the origin, but first he went to a male strip bar. Then he hooked up with a couple of gay dudes like David Beckam, Dick Cheney, that guy from the WWE and all Sony digicams. Then he started off to find the origin, and found it. The twist is, it wasn’t a scientist and it wasn’t a virus. It was simply by watching Koffee with Karan that everyone turned gay. But in order to stop the telecast, he had to defeat...THE MEGA BRAIN COMPUTER!

Direktor : Where did that come from?

Person : The CIA had used it to keep track of everyone on the planet and were too lazy to do it themselves since they are Americans. So The Commander figured out that by reversing the polarity scale of the vector differential to the magnum Genghis Khan, he could destroy the Mega Brain, so he spilt coffee on the keyboard. The Computer started emitting sparks and then exploded, since that how a normal talking computer would react to spilling liquids on the keyboard. So now the world free from the Gay Apocalypse, he somehow returned back to his time only to realise nothing has changed.

Direktor : How can nothing change? He just reversed the gay Apocalypse.

Person : Yeah well, going back in time and changing the past only creates another time line unless your want to explain the Grandfather’s Paradox. So in the alternate time line he created, humans destroyed the planet with World War 3. In his current time line, nothing much has changed. So he had no choice but to destroy Chief Asafahooji with the aliens’ second biggest weakness – SODOMY! So he killed the chief and since all aliens give up once their leader is destroyed rather than filling up the power void, humans lived gaily ever after. THE END! On yeah, and he went on to eat many small children.

Direktor : What happened to Lt. Female Character?

Person : Oh she tried to fight the Chief while the Commander was time travelling. In order to gain the upper hand, she jumped into a tank of nuclear waste to get mutant super powers. Sadly she got cancer and died few months later.

Direktor : That is the worst story I’ve ever heard, and further more...what’s that smell?

Person : Oh, I’m sorry, I farted. Please excuse...

Direktor : No it’s alright, it smells like...Strayberry soufflé.

Person : Why thank you. You know since you were being such a jerk I didn’t notice what a nice shirt you got on.

Direktor : Oh wow! This is my favourite shirt. Thankyousomuch! Wanna make out?

Person : Sure!

Origin of Ramayana war

2010-10-13T22:30:00.001+05:30

The Ramayana war in Lanka with Ram vs Ravan took place because Ravan kidnapped Sita. Ravan kidnapped Sita because his sister Surpanakha said she was hot and sexy and what not. Surpanakha originally went to Ravan because she tried seducing Ram and Laxman, got spurned and got her nose chopped off. In conclusion, Surpanakha is the person responsible for the entire war thing. Now we have concrete evidence to prove this. Ram’s and Laxman’s cell phone was recently unearthed from Ayodhya, we know it really is Ram’s cell because the wallpaper said “My dear followers, please destroy any other religious establishment in Ayodhya”. The following series of messages gives us a clear idea of what really happened.

Sometime BC, 03:32PM

Surpanakha : hey v all w8in in frnt f pvr...whr u...

Ram : Sorry, i lost all contacts with my cell in the forest. who’s this?

Surpanakha : stp messin arnd ya...cme fst...moo v gonna start...

Ram: I think you got wrong number, this is ram.

Surpanakha: omg:D:D:D!!!...criously?...da prinze f ayodhya?...

Ram: Ya, that Ram only. may i know who this is?

Surpanakha: omg dis s ossum ya...am ur biggest fan...ur 2 kool ya...:D:D:D...

Ram: Thanks :) does my biggest fan have a name?

Surpanakha : hehe :P ma frendz cll me shrp nails...hey ram...r u killin demonz rte nw :P...

Ram : No, i’m msging you only na? :P i thought u were going for movie?

Surpanakha : lolll :D:D nono...ur mre kooler thn dis srk moo v ...so tld ma frendz 2 go wth out me :)

Ram : Wow, didn’t know i was that famous :D

Surpanakha : hey wat u tellin ya...ur 1nd nly ram no :D...hey listen...u free nw...

Ram : Yup, i’m free.

Surpanakha : cn v meet ya...i want 2gt ur auto graph 4m u...plzzzzzzz na...vll meet in new ccd in tat banyan 3...

Ram : Oops! looks like my wIFE SITA needs me to buy some stuff. So can’t make it :(

Surpanakha : :(:(:((( plzz plz plzzzzzzzzz ya...4 ur fan no...

Ram : Listen, my brother Laxman will be free now. he’s single ;) i’ll send my autograph with him, ok?

Surpanakha : hmmmmm...

Ram : Don’t worry, he’s haute ;)

Surpanakha : k k :):):)...

4:13PM

Ram : Dude lax, this crazy chick is hitting on me :) she ‘accidentally’ smsed me and says she's my biggest fan :P

Laxman : ozzum broooo :D:D yo got nother 1 eh?yaya soore, 'accidentally'...vat didja say?didja tel bhabiji?...

Ram : No way dude, she'll make me sleep on the tree again! :|

Laxman : buahaha!yaya...so vat didja do?

Ram : I gave her your number :P

Laxman : %@&*$%@...i kno ur mah bigbro nd al...bt sumtymz ur sucha pain dude!!!!vat da hell shud i do vit her?use her 4 target practice?

Ram : She's an idiot dude, just mess around with her and dump her like you always do :)

Laxman : u owe me 1...next tym v go out,i wanna use mah rekha security instead of our lock...

Ram : Whatever dude.

4:47PM

Surpanakha: hiii! is dis laxman? :):)

Laxman : yo!diz iz lax,may i kno who r u?

Surpanakha: :)ur bro gav me dis no,sed ur a really kool dood:)

Laxman : oh rite,ur da beeg fan eh?bro told me bout yo...

Surpanakha: :D:Dhehe...simply...hmmmm...

Laxman : so u wer sad my bro waz nt free eh?am ur 2nd prize rite?

Surpanakha: loooll :D:Dnuthin lik tat ok...ur also famous ok...:P:P:P...

Laxman : o rly?

Surpanakha: ya rly!:)listen...u bz wid sumthin nw?...

Laxman : w8 i got2 keel 1 demon nw....ya nw free!..tell..

Surpanakha: :D:D:D lolol...ya if ur free lets meetup at tat new ccd in tat banyan 3...

Laxman : sorry bt i don wear 3 banyans...hw bout dat treetop cafe on top f tree eh?

Surpanakha: omg!!!:D:Dur 22222 much ok...ya sure :) wat tym?

Laxman : c ya der @ 5:30

Surpanakha: :):)sure sure...hehe...

5:01PM

Laxman : brooo! ur rite! shez sooo dumb...dat bitch thinks shez goin out wimme...haha...

Surpanakha : u asshole!u sent me tat msg :(:(:(

Laxman : oops!atleast nw u don hav 2go 2 cafe alone and w8:P

Surpanakha : fuk u ya!! :(:(:( ill tll mah big bro 2cum kick ur astra!!

Laxman : sooo scawwyyy...haha...stoopid bitch!

5:09PM

Surpanakha : hey bro!sum1 is bein mean 2 me :(:(:(

Ravan : I'm in a meeting now. Will call you later.

Surpanakha : tat ram and his bro cut off mah nose :(:(:(

Ravan : Go to our doctor, i'll come pick you up. Will talk to you later, now busy.

Surpanakha : rams wife is hot!!!!

Ravan : Go on...

The rest as they say is mythological history!

This is an entry for the The Share Life Blogger Contest! So please vote and I shall buy you a lollipop and lime soda!

2 year anniversary in the IT industry

2010-09-29T20:52:00.002+05:30

Techie : GOD! Oh God! God! GOOOOOOOOD!
God : What is it you sonnuvabeech?!!
Techie : God! My name is...
God : OI! Don't mention any names here else someone from some community will surely be offended and come chop off someone's hands.
Techie : Uh....ok! Well, I have this huge problem...
God : I'm sure so does 6.5 billion others but please go on...
Techie : ....the thing is, today I just completed............one whole year in..............the same Software company!
God : ......and?
Techie : That's pretty much it! I thought the tension rising effect clearly gave out my selfish and narrow minded ideas.
God : Ok! So what would you like me to do humble sir? Since that's when everyone thinks of God, when they need something.
Techie : I don't know! Make me Secret Agent, or a Space Cowboy, or a Secret Agent Space Cowboy.
God : Firstly, I'm not a fucking genie. Secondly, what's so bad about 1 year in the same company.
Techie : Don't you know how many status mails I had to send? How many data entry type jobs I had to perform? How many...
God : HEY! How about explaining it all in layman's terms. I'm not the conventional all knowing all protecting God that fits into 1 religion.
Techie : Slightly confusing, but ok. It's like this, this is the prime of my life and I'm working away like slave. I want to break free, spread my tired wings and other exaggerated metaphors.
God : Slaves didn't get paid and you're just repeating what you read in forwards.
Techie : Ok, so a meagerly paid slave. Who gets to read forwards.
God : You do realize that the IT industry is the most highly paid...
Techie : Ahhhh! No details. Point being, life wasted! Just by developing or testing a software, I'm making life simple for some American company and their clients. How does that improve the world?
God : Ok! So how about you donate most of your money to charity and go work in orphanages? How about saving those rainforests full of hostile animal life? Speaking of which, many animals out there are getting extinct due excessive pollution. Cleaning up the ecosystem would help.
Techie : ......
God : Maybe you can work in the Army, finally do something about those bad terrorists you keep insulting when you talk big with your friends.
Techie : Uh! How about something where I don't have to do much work but get paid so that I can keep living my life the way I do now? And yeah, also get to criticise anything and everything?
God : I'm sure that's how all Secret Agent Space Cowboys enjoy their days. And didn't I tell you I'm not a genie?
Techie : So you're saying I'm pretty much stuck with this eh?
God : Well, you can try some other field rather than bitch about this.
Techie : But I have no other skills.
God : Technically, your same job can be taught to 10th Standard students within a few weeks. I'm sure they're more skilled than you as well.
Techie : What about my 4 years of engineering and stuff?
God : We all know you cleared that by mugging, chits and fluke. Just 'cause society tells you that you're good at academics and profession doesn't mean you are.
Techie : Your insults should be demoralising me but I won't let it. I shall use this new found passion and reach places!
God : Just remember, for every Albert Einstein, there are a million Albert Kochappans who tried but vanished into obscurity.
Techie : I shall stop my whining and rise above my current conditions.
God : Why do you talk as if you have a cancer?

1 year later...
Techie : God? It's me. Techie from last year. I'm still suffering in front of my keyboard. God? GOD! GOOOOOOOOOD!!
God : Happy 2nd anniversary mofo! Now go die!

Enlightenment at the MBA Tour, Bangalore [September 19th]

2010-09-24T02:49:00.029+05:30

This Sunday I attended the MBA tour in Bangalore. It was pretty much a disappointment for me as most universities wanted more than I can offer(as they often do). Well, I do have very little to offer after donating my blood, soul and central nervous system to the great white-ass-kissing slavery that is the IT industry.

The website had mentioned business attire so I walked in with a crumpled shirt, jeans and a pair of sneakers, since I’m a rebel of sorts and wanted to make trouble for the establishment. Take that society! My companion had worn a gorilla face t-shirt and unwashed jeans. As the British would put it, “Simple Marvellous! Absolutely Smashing!”, and then they would go drink tea and engage in sexual intercourse with huge pigs they call wives.

OH YEAH! Dressed to...uh....MBA?

But then I saw the place crawling with neatly pressed formal wear with nerds inside them. Some people were getting married that day and decided to wear their rental blazers to the event, two burdens with one suit. As though they weren’t a pain to look at, they had the most awesome-est business oriented stick-up-the-ass queries. I didn’t get most of what they said ‘cause I hardly read newspapers and I don’t experiment with my rectal opening. They didn’t get half of the jokes the foreign university people were telling ‘cause they left their sense of humour back in their mothers’ womb. Despite how much I generally want to kill off all these types of bastards, there are 3 in particular I would add to my hot list.

Mr. Lonely

A guy so desperate, he needed to talk to some foreign university person at every millisecond of his life. Take a break dude!

Counsellor 1 : ....Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.

Mr.Lonely : Ok...OMG! I have finished talking to that person. I must find a new foreigner to talk to before my head explodes.......oh crap! Oh crap!....AH! There...Chinese person! Please tell me something about your university.

Counsellor 2 : Hi! Well we are.........so Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.

Mr.Lonely : Ya thanks....Oh god! I’m lonely again! Why is the world so cruel to me?.......Why? Why? Why? Why?....AHA! You! Tell me everything I need to know.

Plant : Dude! You’re talking to a potted plant.

Mr. Lonely : I DON’T CARE! I just can’t survive for a moment without running around to every living thing present in this room.

Squeaky Gushmouth : The master of Append

Squeaky came from behind while I was listening to an admissions person. First I thought it was some female with a cold and then pow! The female had a moustache and no essential aspects. Squeaky looked harmless enough with his glasses and his won’t-interrupt-you attitude but I was taken aback when Mr.Gushmouth opened his mouth and let out the first Squeak.

Squeaky : Sir sir, so please explain to the lengthy selection process in a few paragraphs. It will only take a few months of your life no?

Admissions guy : Well, why don’t you take a look at our website and not bother me now.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Will foreign students get loan for tuition fees?

Admissions : No, we hate foreigners as much as you. We cook them in a large container and feed them to sharks.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How is the job market like in your country?

Admissions guy : Market is open all the time. We sell good jobs at affordable rates per kilo.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Can I take 2 brochures of your university so that I can have one for each hand?

Admissions guy : Yeah sure. Whatever turns you on.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Does this tie make me look fat?

Admissions guy : If you are hitting on me, yes. Otherwise, no.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How much salt would there be in all the oceans combined.

Admissions guy : Not sure, but I wonder if there is enough to kill you instantly of dehydration.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....

Several more IMPORTANT questions later...

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....

Admissions guy : Dude, I died several centuries ago. This is just a figment of your imagination

My great great great great Grand Son : Look kids! This is the monster that killed your Great great great great great Grand Father during an MBA fair just like this.

My (great) x 5 Grand kids : WOOOOOW! He looks so serious!

Squeaky : And one more thing..... And one more thing..... And one more thing.....

Emperor Black Hole

The best for last. He’s the reason I still keep a strong belief that humans need to be eradicated. He started off as any other bald guy asking questions to the admissions person. Without us realizing, there was a black hole forming inside his mouth. By the time we figured out, the black hole had already absorbed our patience and will to live. Soon, the gravitational force of the black hole was so high that we were all holding on for our lives. Soon, the entire universe just collapses into this guy’s mouth and still he’s going on none stop.

The Emperor : Will you differentiate between people who’ve had experience abroad and those who didn’t.

Admissions dude : That’s the whole point of it you see. Even though we tell you that we give equal importance to both, we obviously want people with experience abroad, since that’s what you will be doing, experiencing stuff ABROAD!

The Emperor : No you see, the reason why I asked was because one of my friends went onsite while I wasn’t sent.

Admissions dude : Out of all the things in the history of stuff that people didn’t give a damn about, I’m sure this will be ranked in the top 3.

The Emperor : I feel that I’m more qualified than him and am therefore better for your university.

Admissions dude : Oh please give us more details. This is as interesting as watching paint dry.

The Emperor : So when he was sent onsite and I wasn’t blah blah blah blah...

Me : Ahem! AHEM!

The Emperor : And that’s how I defeated the 3 headed dragon. Moving onto my 4^th standard, blah blah me me me blah blah.

Me : hmmmmm

The Emperor : So then I blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Me : AARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Admissions dude : Is it me, or is the gravitational force towards this bastard’s mouth increase.

Security person : EVERYONE! Take cover, it’s a black hole! Quick! Take these black hole emergency kits!

Admissions dude : A shot of tequila?

Security person : Last drink. You thought we could actually escape infinite gravity?

Me : Did someone say tequila?

The Emperor : MEEE MEEE MEEEEE BLLAAAAAAAAAAHHH BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Fucking socio-pathic nerds!

Here’s a snap of The Emperor with another random serious person.

Thank god for eye censorship thingy

I know what you're thinking : "No wonder he wasn't qualified since he (dressed like that/spent the time observing people)". You might be true, you might not be. But the important thing is - Sachin Tendulkar is AWESOME!

My not-so-generic love story

2010-09-14T08:08:00.004+05:30

After reading all the love stories out there, I thought I should tell about a different incident from the guy’s perspective. Of course it is involving an idiot guy and a cute girl next door. The idiot guy being me and the cute girl next door being……

Coming back from school I tried to look over my neighbour’s gate to steal a peek at her. Unfortunately my short stature didn’t help me look over the 4 foot gate! DAMN! Now I’m gonna have to wait till evening when her rich dad opens their expensive gate.

With the magic of time manipulation and crappy narration, it is already evening. So her dad opens the gate and there she was. To welcome her presence the crickets were chirping, the sun was shining, the flowers were blossoming, there was a soft breeze gently brushing against my face, the trees were doing whatever trees do, the butterflies were fluttering by, the ants were biting at my feet, cars were honking and a lot of angry people were shouting. Wait! What was I talking about? Oh right! The girl! As I slowly walked towards her gate from the middle of the road, the drivers passed insulting every one of my living and dead ancestor.

This is the point of the story where I describe her I guess. Her hair looked something like a crow’s nest, in fact I think a crow was nesting there. I was never able to make out her eyes since they were behind the thickest pair of glasses I have ever seen. Her nose was so pointed, she could’ve had a mosquito as a parent(or maybe she was genetically engineered, I dunno). I could catch occasional glimpses of her rosy lips underneath her moustache. Her skin was just like those gals in the commercials, with enough oil there for USA to declare that her nose is hiding weapons of mass destruction.

As I stood there admiring her beauty, I could hear the music slowly playing behind me, “Aankhon mein teri”. Actually, Om Shanthi Om wasn’t released at that time but I’m narrating so NYAH! All the while I’m walking in slow motion thus enabling me to say all this while still not reaching her.

Just then I noticed the cute puppy in her arms, Pingy or Tingy or something she called it. Poor lil Chingy was cuddling in her arms out of fear from the fierce outside world. Suddenly a driver passing by insulted me, “you piece of ” and lil Dinky jumped from her arms and ran towards me out of fear. Simultaneously, I happened to trip on a rather large stone lying right in the middle of the road, what can I say? Indian roads! As I stumble forward, Jingy comes to a complete stop watching in amusement as I try to regain my balance. But I didn’t, and I landed clean on her puppy crushing it to death instantly. I get up quickly and regain my poise. MAN! She must think I’m an ass, tripping and falling down in front of her. Oh yeah, and the dead puppy thing.

So I keep walking towards her. It’s a very wide road dude! So I continue walking with the envelope in my hand. Wait, did I forget to mention the envelope the whole time? DAMMIT! So yeah, there was an envelope in my hand the whole time! Moving on, I finally reach her. She stands there looking at me with a look of pleasant surprise or complete disgust, I couldn’t say which. It took me months to gather enough courage to finally come up and face her so I take a deep breath and speak…

“It took me months to gather enough courage to finally come up and face you.”

Then I hold out my hand and realize the envelope isn’t there. With my brain power and quick thinking, I deduce within a mere 22 minutes that the envelope was in my other hand. So I hold up that hand now and tell her…

“This letter is for you.”

I tell her about its importance…

“It is important!”

Just then, the spirit of the lil dog I just murdered possessed the wind and blew so hard on my hand the envelope was swept away. We both look at the envelope flew away, so I turned around and left.

? THE END ¿

DISCLAIMER : All of the characters in the above story are fictitious including me. I, myself am just a figment of my imagination. Eat that paradox fools! HA HA!