My choice to be the best of what I am, unless I'm gay

My choice of whom I want to date, unless your fragile culture can't bear the burden

My choice to do whatever work I want to, unless it doesn't make me look good in the marriage market

My choice of whom I want to marry, unless Mars gets in my way

My choice to have children or not, unless my Mother and Mother-in-law finally agree upon one thing

My choice to cheer for which ever team I deem worthy, unless I've to prove my undying patriotism

My choice on what food I want to eat, unless you want to "preserve" our traditions and your vote bank

My choice to drink whatever I want, unless you want to be the saint and saviour of your political agenda state

My choice to say a joke, unless it offends your sensibilities

My choice to live as a human being, unless you're just being human

My choice to become a chaiwala or PM, unless I don't belong to any political allegiance and remain a chaiwala.

My choice to become the face of women's empowerment, unless I'm an acid victim, a prostitute, a tribal, a transgender...

My choice, unless I'm not privileged

Chetan Bhagat at it again!

So here's what Chetan Bhagat had to say on the ever of his first film, where he was a 'screen writer', getting released.

Obviously, the news channels fell in love with him and so did his fans. Since I was already in love with him, I thought I'd write something as a homage to the great man's great greatness.

I'd like to thank this guy from the IBNlive website which ran the story, for his comment which gave me the idea. Thank you roadhound.

Protesters versus Fanatics

Image sources:  Nevada Today, Tiger Mouse productions

            Protester             Fanatic
Homo Sapiens Unknown (Closely resembles Neanderthals)
Societal structure
Conformist Bourgeoisie Deity worship
Tolerance threshold
Extremely high Zero
Sense of humour
Varies according to subject's background Non-existent
Weapon of choice
Candles and Facebook Sticks and stones
Intelligence Numbers
Numbers Indeligunss
Attack mantra
Share and like Destroy everything that isn't us
Primary enemy
Everyone else Logic
Species prognosis
Eventual extinction World War 3
Process of eradication
Disable internet connection Decapitation

Think society, think double standards

Well, my Mom isn't as stupid as given below, but there are those out there who are. Consider these hypothetical situations after you're done rolling those indignant eyes.

Stable relationship

Me: Mom, I'm in a stable relationship. She's an MBA graduate working in a multinational company, can cook like a boss and watches Tarantino flicks.
Mom: What religion/caste/ethnicity/skin colour is she?
Me: Uh...the one that you don't like.
Mom: Get married to this girl I picked for you, right now. She has been approved by the people.
Me: But...

Several years later...

Mom: Why do you come home late from work?
Me: Oh that? I visit my girl friend every once in a while.
Mom: WHA?! Does your PEOPLE APPROVED wife know?
Me: Of course not, she'd kill me!
Mom: Why would you cheat on her? She's a Literature graduate working in an International School, can bake like a boss and reads Camus.
Me: You've instilled great values in me.

Source: mnn.com
Moral of the story

You are free to pick any item you like, from the list of items given to you by us.


Mom: Where are you going?
Me: My friend, Atheist, got into an accident.
Mom: That rich spoiled brat? He was probably drinking and driving.
Me: Whatever...they're both admitted to the LootNPillage Hospital.
Mom: They?
Me: Atheist was with Religious, our classmate.
Mom: Looks like it's a bad time for their family. Why don't you pray at the temple for him on your way to the hospital. God works faster than you, you know.
Me: Well, the accident was fast enough.

Source: Free software magazine
Moral of the story

If you disagree with me, you're wrong.

Legalised prostitution (aka Marriage)

Groom's Mom: Now that you're a part of our family, you must call me Mom.
Groom's Dad: And you must call our house, your work place.
Groom: And you have to call yourself Missus Me.
Bride's Dad: Did I just pay for my daughter to not exist anymore?
Bride: Uh, shouldn't you be paying MY Dad for my ownership and my services?

Source: The Telegraph
Moral of the story

Marriage is all about conformity and property ownership. The relationship comes second, or third.


Foreign couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.
Receptionist: Very welcoming this way saar. We charge in $$$ by the way. Also, mosquitoes are charged, part of the experience.
Indian couple with children: Hi, we'd like a room please.
Receptionist: You have children so you have the right to judge us.
Indian couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.
Receptionist: Are you married or about to be married?
Indian couple: Uh, yes.
Receptionist: I don't believe you, where is your marriage certificate? The police come and check here every night since they have no time to fight crime.
Indian couple: Screw it, we'll have to suffer staying at relatives.
Indian boy and girl: Hi, we'd like a room please.
Receptionist: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG and don't know what to do! You bring western ideologies filth into my kul-chaar. Arrest them!
Indian boy and girl: Wha?

Source: Ruthless Reviews
Moral of the story

If we're oppressed by rules, we'll make new ones so that we can oppress for a change.


Candidate #1: Hi, I'm LongHaired CreativeType. Here's my impressive resume.
Oldman Interviewer: I don't like him!
Oldwoman Interviewer: He is already rejected.
Oldman Interviewer: Give him a difficult question.
Oldwoman Interviewer: Finish him!
Oldman Interviewer: How many decibels are present between Earth and Indraprastha?
Candidate #1: Sir, I don't think that's related to NotBoringJob, the one I'm applying for. Also, it doesn't make sense.
Oldman Interviewer: GET OUT! Rascal!
Oldwoman Interviewer: Nyext!
Candidate #2: Much Goodmornings Sir and Lady Sir. I'm SidePartitioned HumanMouse. I walked in here accidentally.
Oldman Interviewer: You're hired!

Source: Houston Press
Moral of the story

The old are wise and we should listen to them forever and ever and ever...

What happens when you close bars in Kerala?


BREAKING NEWS! All Bars without the proper hygiene in Kerala have been SHUT DOWN! That's right, there must be cleanliness in those shady shops where we consume liquids injurious to our health but have the ability to kill most bacteria. As the crisis continues(and since the elections are sooo 2014, wait, what year is it?), let's go to the streets to survey the situation.

Crisis Day One

As men gather around the bar, waiting for it to open. But as they wake up the rooster and the sun, they realise, to their horror, that their watering hole is no more.

Random Malayali #1: At first, when I saw the door closed, I thought I was at the wrong place. I was correct, as I was still in my house. Wait, what're you doing in my bathroom?

Random Malayali #2: We've been getting drunk here for generations. Now where will we go to avoid our wives?
Random Malayali #2's son: Yeah! Where will we go?
Random Malayali #2: You drink?!
Random Malayali #2's son: Dude, your wife's a real bitch.
Random Malayali #2: That she is.

Police constable: Sir, maybe it's April 1st?
Police officer: In October?
Police constable: Surprise?!
Police officer: Arrest everyone. Maybe if I beat the shit out of innocents, I'll feel properly lubricated in this shitty world.

But the residents of nearby houses have different opinions.

Aunty #1: Thank God those drunkards are gone!
Aunty #2: Drinking is such a bad habit. It is bad for the children.
Aunty #1: So is domestic abuse.
Aunty #2: Wonder where all those drunkards will go to now?
Door: (knock)(knock)(knock)
Both: Uh-oh! We're married to them.
Door: (bang)(bang)(bang)

Crisis Day Fore

A few of the Malayalis, working in the Gulf countries have arrived back to their homeland for some much needed rest, relaxation and family time.

Gelf Malayali: Screw that shit! I'm here for the booze and the beef!

21 seconds later...

Gelf Malayali: Oh dear god! I had heard it in the news. I didn't know it was true.
Reporter: So will you be returning back to the Gelf...I mean, Gulf?
Gelf Malayali: What's the point? Why should I earn money anymore?
Reporter: Sir, can't you still buy booze off the counter?
Gelf Malayali: And start drinking in front of the wife when sober?

The ripples of the crisis were propagating its way down the ecosystem in other places as well. The 'thattu kadas' were particularly impacted.

Shop owner: Before, the men needed some place to get food after the bars closed at 11. Now that they don't have any place to be so late, my only clients are the new generation kids calling themselves 'freaks'.
Freak #1: Yo dude! Dis #parotta is ossum. Imma #instagram it!
Freak #2: Watz yo place called? I wanna giva rating on my zomato app yo!
Shop owner: Zomato? Is that a vegetable?
Freak #2: Dis place aint on zomato dood!
Freak #1: #EPIC #fail dude! lezz go!
Shop owner: Well, with them gone, I've to close down business as well.

Crisis Day Se7en

We're a week into this crisis. It seems the Malayali men have adapted to the situation.

Random Malayali #1: At first, we were desperate and we brought booze home.
Random Malayali #2: We thought our wives could be reasoned with and the first hour went without incident.
Random Malayali #1: Then we realised that we had no source of 'touchings' but our wives.
Random Malayali #2: Who also had to clean up all the puke...
Random Malayali #1: ...and feed the children...
Random Malayali #2: ...and watch their TV serials...
Random Malayali #1: ...and defend earth from aliens.
Random Malayali #2: So after the first day, every husband was banned from their respective homes.
Random Malayali #1: It's like no one appreciates our hard work.

Yeah, you got the joke. But it was an ingenious young fisherman who came up with the ultimate solution(other than the alcohol).

Random Malayali #1: We take out boats and go get drunk at sea.
Random Malayali #2: We don't know if we're puking from the sea sickness or the drinking anymore.
Random Malayali #1: The boat mafia is gaining power though.
Random Malayali #2: Also, the Italian navy has been gunning down most of the boats.
Random Malayali #1: Is the Government doing anything about that?
Random Malayali #2: Absolutely not.

With a huge number of Malayalis no longer having the will power to return to the Gulf countries, cheap labour is now going to the huge influx of Pakistan migrants who're rushing to fill in the void.

ISI agent: With all the income from the Gulf countries now flowing back into Pakistan, we finally have enough money to fund our nuclear weapons program...uh...I mean...the...um...education for girls program. Yeah, that.

Back in Kerala, the closure of all thattu kadas...

ISI agent: You guys bought that? That was easier than I thought.

...Thattu kadas , the sales of Parotta has plummeted severely. With no longer a market for the road side parotta, jobless activists have taken to the streets to abolish maida altogether.

Jobless activist: We all know maida is harmful to the human body. Now that the Parotta lobby no longer has power over the parliament, we will take the protests to our living rooms and declare a harthal.
Jobful activist: But what will we do sitting home now? All the liquor stores are at sea.
Jobless activist: Well...fuck.

Crisis Day XIII

This is actually very unlucky.

Crisis Day XIV

Better. The population of men in Kerala has been reduced by half due to all the Italian navy murders. The remaining men are locked away in their homes by their wives and mothers. Crime rate is now at zero.

Meanwhile, having toppled the maida industry, the jobless activists are now against every unhealthy food in India. The only food not under the scope are the vegetables from Tamil Nadu.

Jobless activist: Everyone knows that maida is used to make the adhesive glue for posters in Kerala.
Reporter: (slap)
Jobless activist: DAFAQ!
Reporter: Cooked rice is also an adhesive. GOD! I just hate you self righteous know-it-alls spreading old wives tales. Has anyone checked the internet for this?
Jobful activist: The internet says maida is harmful for your body.
Reporter: Oh...well, the internet can never be wrong. Vegetables it is then.

Due to the excess of imported vegetables from Tamil Nadu, ties between the two states have been strained and the much larger state has demanded all the water of Kerala as compensation for there being no more vegetables left in Tamil Nadu.

28 days later 

After a diet of nothing but healthy vegetables, Malayalis are declared the healthiest creatures on the planet. Since the men can't go out of their houses to kill and eat animals, the herbivores of Kerala have started multiplying.

Having no one to kill, the Italian navy have started doing their job and have begun eliminating the pirates of the Indian ocean.

Meanwhile, the abundance of water has lead the Tamil population to make a startling discovery.

Random Tamilian #1: I started after we stole the monsoon clouds from Kerala. This made sure that we'll be able to take baths every day. After a couple of days we began to notice...changes.
Reporter: What sort of changes?
Random Tamilian #2: Our skin colour wasn't dark like how everyone made fun of us. We are actually very light skinned.
Random Tamilian #1: Also, we used to think daily head baths are for Malayalis. But now, we notice that our original hair colour is blonde.
Random Tamilian #2: And our eyes are blue. Which is something we just noticed. It doesn't have anything to go with the daily bathing.
Reporter: So what have to you...
Random Tamilian #1: EHRE DEM VATER!
Random Tamilian #2: EHRE DEM MEISTER-RENNEN!
Reporter: Well, that escalated rather quickly.

Go check out google translate. You can't expect us to do all your work for you, lazy slob!

Crisis Day 42

All the Malayalis from around the world have flocked back to the home land due to its perfect existence. Due to this, the literacy rate increased to 800% in Kerala, somehow. In a combined effort, Malayalis have discovered the meaning to life, the universe and everything.

Crisis Day 69

We couldn't resist. The economies of all states in India have been decimated because of the lack of Malayali bakeries or tea stalls or shawarma restaurants. Also, the onslaught of cows from Kerala have begun to take over Southern India.

In this moment of weakness, The "People's" "Republic" of China has declared war against India and has taken over the NE states, which no one notices.

Chinese General: We Chinese are all assholes and we like taking over things. It's to compensate for our tiny manhoods.

Having destroyed all the pirates in the world, the Italian Navy take over all the seas.

Crisis Day One Hundred

Pakistan has finally completed its nuclear IBM. Without any warning, the missile is launched. The missile fails to take off and detonates in Pakistan. The Pakistani high command blames India for the nuclear attack which the Indian Government condones. The US gives Pakistan a lot of money to recover and proceeds to attack the Italian navy while crying "Freedom!" at the top of their lungs.

Facing imminent defeat at the hands of the Chinese, the Indian army deploys the two master races present into the war zone. The Tamil refuse since they declare their state autonomous. Malayalis refuse since it's a sunday. The cows refuse since they're cows.

While the wars wage on, all the methane created by the army of cows start to heat up the atmosphere which ignites when a passing meteorite shower shoots debris into out atmosphere.

Life on Earth, has been completed eradicated from the resulting fire.

That's why you don't shut down bars in Kerala.


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