For the 377th time, don't touch my culture!

Image courtesy Wikipedia; under the section 'Bestiality'
Not the shocked woman in the background

Remember the time when your Mom told you about how she met your Dad? It could’ve been along these lines– “I know arranged marriage is lame for kids nowadays, but back then that’s how we found love. I was sitting on your Grandfather’s lap when I first saw your Dad. He was being all cool and suave playing with his jack-in-the-box. My parents weren’t too happy about him missing his front baby teeth. Thankfully, ours was a modern family and they took my opinion! I’m sure it was his Mom’s idea, but he handed me, not one, but TWO Cadbury© Éclairs! That was the moment I fell for him. I’m not sure how, since my hormones hadn’t started flowing at that age. I guess that’s why we took 9 years to conceive you”. No? Well, thank god they abolished child marriage, unless you live in and around a desert in India (Clue: There is only one desert in India).

Remember that time when your Dad died and your Mom had to either quit her job, wear white all the time, shave her head and live as a fashion pariah for the rest of her life? Fortunately, your relatives convinced her to set herself on fire along with your Dad’s corpse (What is it with rituals and burning stuff?). It would’ve been so much more inconvenient with those electric furnaces, your Mom squeezed in there with what’s left of your Dad, waiting to be roasted alive for being, well, alive. Doesn’t ring a bell? Ain’t it awesome that Sati is no longer prevalent? (Incidentally, the word ‘Sati’ is the feminine of the Sanskrit word ‘sat’, which means ‘truth’).

While that sinks in, the above mentioned practices came into full flow in India due to the Muslim invasions of the 11^th century. Apparently, it was the society coping against a barrage of rape and abductions.

I know, Wikipedia told you that Sati was a practice in other cultures as well. Focus man! We’re talking about our culture, the correct culture, the perfect culture.

Let’s move on to the present era.

Remember the time you wanted a baby sister, but your Dad said his buddies would make fun of him at the club? But why was he punching Mom in the tummy repeatedly? And where is that baby sister of yours?

Or that time, when you decided to elope with that girl who was from different ‘group’ (includes SC/ST/OBC/PWD/Class/religion/area/skin colour/weight/altitude) and her Dad and brothers came after you? Of course you don’t, your decapitated head lies below her shaven and hung corpse. As we all know, decapitation leads to short term memory loss and drowsiness.

A diverse culture, aren’t we? So much fun and frolic!

Let’s now time-travel back to the not too distant past of three centuries.

Remember when the guys you hung out with used to engage in sexual congress with a horse?

- “bt dud!!!!!!!!!!y d fk u fkn a horse????”

- “y nt a hors lulz”

Or those girls from your class who were interlocked while in lotus position in a 5-way as the holy cow watched on? Getting too weird? Then I wouldn’t recommend the Sun Temple at Konarak for you, friend.

I guess all the folks back then were on ecstasy and tequila shots.

Heard of a guy named Shikhandi? Was born girl, went into a forest and came out a dude. Archeologists are still to locate the ruins of the clinic she visited to become a he. Here’s the Mahabharatha, rocking a full-on transgender as a pivotal character. Seriously, check it out. Bhisma(with his beard of immortality) thought it politically incorrect to kill Shikhandi, and got a volley of arrows in return.

So how did India get from pro-LGBT in their mainstream media to cringing every time boys kiss? (It’s okay if girls kiss, since that’s sexy!)

Enter the white man!

Those prudes came over and said – “This is preposterous! You must adhere to the only accepted form of fornication, which is the missionary position. Why? Because god!” To which, all the Indian males, held each other by the pinkies and said in unison “Okay! We can’t argue with gunpowder”.

And thus, in one fell swoop, we accepted the culture of another race so different from ours as to have snow and pants.

These were the people, who through the law, ruined the great lives of great men such as Oscar Wilde and Alan Turing. Oscar Wilde, the Irish poet and playwright, suffered and died at the ripe old age of 46 after being imprisoned for two years for being a homosexual. Wilde’s epigrams are still relevant and memorable today as they were 100 years prior. Alan Turing, considered the father of the modern computer, was chemically castrated for having sexual relations with another man. He took his life later with cyanide. His mind helped break the “unbreakable” enigma code of the Germans during the World War II, saving countless lives.

In 1861, they (not us) introduced Section 377.

In 2013, thousands, if not millions of geniuses much like you, came out shouting that homosexuality is against our culture, and that by accepting their culture, we’re embracing homosexuality as well.

Imagine my shoe for a moment. It is black, has no laces, has a worn out insole and a quarter inch heel. Fine, half inch heel. Now, imagine this shoe flying at the velocity of 9 metres/second at your pretentious face.

Everyone has opinions, but your’s is wrong. Simply because it lacks logic and is asinine. So you better keep those esteemed opinions to yourself, lest you be lynched during the Great Atheist uprising of 2022.

Damn! I spoke too much!