Dear Crazy Aunty, why you no let me marry daughter?

GF's Crazy Mom; as she appeared in Godzilla vs Space Godzilla(1994)
Image courtesy Wikizilla

Being Indians, we've all had our love stories, here's the tale of how my Girlfriend was promoted to something greater and how my life changed forever.

The setting

Me: Mom, Dad, I love this girl.

Mom: NO!

Me: But why...

Dad: Lower caste, NO!

Me: But I...

Both: NO!

Me: ....okay....

Several months later,

Me: Mom...

Mom: NO!

Me: Fine! I shall go to her house directly and ask her Dad for her hand in marriage.

Mom: Yeah right!

The Intros

Me: Lovelorn boyfriend and seeker of marriage. In want of the girl who will understand my eccentricities...oh, wait, I'm not rich...my insanity and my inability to take a bath. I'm like, so dark and brooding and misunderstood.

Batman: Ahem!

Me: Moving along.

GF: Exasperated girlfriend and uber-seeker of marriage. I want a guy who won't ask me for my gmail and Facebook password and will not ask me to quit my job. Why won't his parents accept me?

Uncle: Boy's best friend's Dad and negotiator extraordinaire. I'm just helping out as it's more interesting than my day job.

Army Sir: GF's Dad and traveler of the world. I want the best for my daughter and I won't force anything upon her.

Crazy Mother: GF's Mom and sentimental psycho. She can't do this! What'll people think?

Let's get to it!

At GF's house one fine Sunday...

Me: SURPRISE!

Uncle: We come in peace.

Crazy Mother: OH SHIT!...(runs away)...

Me: Oooo...kaaay...I guess they didn't expect it?

Army Sir: Hello young man! Hello Sir! Please, do come in!

Army Sir: So, how about some Tea and small talk?

Uncle: Great.

12 minutes later...

Me: Well, we've exhausted every topic in the world.

Me: Thank god tea is here!

Crazy Mother: Why! Why! Why do you pursue my daughter?...(twitch) (twitch) ..

Me: Say wha?

Crazy Mother: If you turn a blind eye, we can all play happily...forever...and ever...and ever....

Me: Thanks...for...the tea...heh...

Army Sir: Is the tea too hot for you?

Crazy Mother: HAH! He can't even drink hot tea! What'll people think?

Me: Actually, I'm just petrified.

Army Sir: So then, let's get down to business.

Me: Let me elucidate as to why I'm awesome for your daughter. Point number one, I've started saving up for the security deposit of a flat to rent out in Bangalore. Point number two...

45 minutes later...

Me:...and that's how I split the atom.

Army Sir: Impressive!

Crazy Mother: I wake up at 2AM in the mourning to pray in the pooja room.

Me: You're still here? I mean...uh...how's that related to anything?

Uncle: His parents won't agree to the marriage.

Crazy Mother: What'll people think?

Me: A wedding is a one day event. A marriage is a lifetime choice....

37 minutes later...

Me:...and that is why I choose to be with your daughter.

Crazy Mother: Why can't you two just be friends?

Me: MOTHER FU...

Uncle: I think it'll be better if we ask her opinion. Where is she?

GF: Hi!

Crazy Mother: GO BACK INSIDE THIS INSTANT!

GF: Bye!

Uncle: What do you think Sir?

Army Sir: I think this young man is is pretty adept. He does make quite good points.

FLASHBACK

Me: I work in IT.

Army Sir: Splendid!

Me: In Bangalore.

Army Sir: Marvelous!

END FLASHBACK

Crazy Mother: But what'll people think?

Army Sir: You too raise valid points honey.

Me: Clearly the military didn't issue the pants you needed to wear at home.

Uncle: But what do you wish for, dear?

GF: I wish to marry him...

Me: YAY!

GF: ...but...

Me: Wait, wha? 'But'? Anything that came before a 'but' is now negated!

Crazy Mother: Tell them you will listen to us and marry the guy we pick for you!

GF: ...

Uncle: Girls these days, they get a taste of the outside world and they can't have enough of it.

Crazy Mother: I don't like it! I liked the old way when the women worked in the kitchen.

Me: Did she just set women back a couple of decades?

Uncle: What will your opinion be if she wants to marry him?

Army Sir: I guess I'll have to look after the happiness of my daughter.

Crazy Mother: But. What. Will. People. Think. Question. Mark.

Army Sir: You raise a valid point honey.

Crazy Mother: Tell them, tell them you worry about what people think. Tell them that you want nothing more than our happiness, tell them how people will gossip about you if you don't listen to us.

Uncle: I feel you're trying to force your opinions on her madam.

Crazy Mother: She's just a kid!

Me: Who oddly must be married off right away.

Uncle: Well, I'll give you folks time to decide, we're off. Think well before making your decision dear.

Me: Finally...I mean, goodbye.

Denouement

1 hour later...

Uncle: That went well. Good that we came.

Me: At least now the decision lies on her and not psycho serial prayer Mom.

My Phone: Buzz! Buzz!

Me: Hello?

GF: I decided to marry the guy who my parents pick for me, bye.

Me: MOTHER FU...

And that kids, is the true story of how the GF became the Ex-GF and married some guy within a month, while I got back into blogging, traveled to Vietnam with the money saved and became a Stand up comedian. Happy endings anyone?

Epilogue

Fraand: Dude, your Ex-GF had called. Asking me to tell you to not send her emails or Facebook messages.

Me: Why would she tell you that?

Fraand: Her husband has her Email and Facebook passwords.

Me: POETIC JUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCEEEEEEEE!!!

Fin

This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai. Go here and like the page if you think Crazy Mom's condition was serious.