Chetan Bhagat at it again!

So here's what Chetan Bhagat had to say on the ever of his first film, where he was a 'screen writer', getting released.

Obviously, the news channels fell in love with him and so did his fans. Since I was already in love with him, I thought I'd write something as a homage to the great man's great greatness.

I'd like to thank this guy from the IBNlive website which ran the story, for his comment which gave me the idea. Thank you roadhound.

Protesters versus Fanatics

Image sources:  Nevada Today, Tiger Mouse productions

Protester	Fanatic
Species
Homo Sapiens	Unknown (Closely resembles Neanderthals)
Societal structure
Conformist Bourgeoisie	Deity worship
Tolerance threshold
Extremely high	Zero
Sense of humour
Varies according to subject's background	Non-existent
Weapon of choice
Candles and Facebook	Sticks and stones
Strength
Intelligence	Numbers
Vulnerability
Numbers	Indeligunss
Attack mantra
Share and like	Destroy everything that isn't us
Primary enemy
Everyone else	Logic
Species prognosis
Eventual extinction	World War 3
Process of eradication
Disable internet connection	Decapitation

Think society, think double standards

Well, my Mom isn't as stupid as given below, but there are those out there who are. Consider these hypothetical situations after you're done rolling those indignant eyes.

Stable relationship

Me: Mom, I'm in a stable relationship. She's an MBA graduate working in a multinational company, can cook like a boss and watches Tarantino flicks.

Mom: What religion/caste/ethnicity/skin colour is she?

Me: Uh...the one that you don't like.

Mom: Get married to this girl I picked for you, right now. She has been approved by the people.

Me: But...

Mom: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Several years later...

Mom: Why do you come home late from work?

Me: Oh that? I visit my girl friend every once in a while.

Mom: WHA?! Does your PEOPLE APPROVED wife know?

Me: Of course not, she'd kill me!

Mom: Why would you cheat on her? She's a Literature graduate working in an International School, can bake like a boss and reads Camus.

Me: You've instilled great values in me.

Source: mnn.com

Moral of the story

You are free to pick any item you like, from the list of items given to you by us.

Fate

Mom: Where are you going?

Me: My friend, Atheist, got into an accident.

Mom: That rich spoiled brat? He was probably drinking and driving.

Me: Whatever...they're both admitted to the LootNPillage Hospital.

Mom: They?

Me: Atheist was with Religious, our classmate.

Mom: Looks like it's a bad time for their family. Why don't you pray at the temple for him on your way to the hospital. God works faster than you, you know.

Me: Well, the accident was fast enough.

Source: Free software magazine

Moral of the story

If you disagree with me, you're wrong.

Legalised prostitution (aka Marriage)

Groom's Mom: Now that you're a part of our family, you must call me Mom.

Groom's Dad: And you must call our house, your work place.

Groom: And you have to call yourself Missus Me.

Bride's Dad: Did I just pay for my daughter to not exist anymore?

Bride: Uh, shouldn't you be paying MY Dad for my ownership and my services?

Everyone: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Source: The Telegraph

Moral of the story

Marriage is all about conformity and property ownership. The relationship comes second, or third.

Hotels

Foreign couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: Very welcoming this way saar. We charge in $$$ by the way. Also, mosquitoes are charged, part of the experience.

Indian couple with children: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: You have children so you have the right to judge us.

Indian couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: Are you married or about to be married?

Indian couple: Uh, yes.

Receptionist: I don't believe you, where is your marriage certificate? The police come and check here every night since they have no time to fight crime.

Indian couple: Screw it, we'll have to suffer staying at relatives.

Indian boy and girl: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG and don't know what to do! You bring western ideologies filth into my kul-chaar. Arrest them!

Indian boy and girl: Wha?

Receptionist: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Source: Ruthless Reviews

Moral of the story

If we're oppressed by rules, we'll make new ones so that we can oppress for a change.

Interviews

Candidate #1: Hi, I'm LongHaired CreativeType. Here's my impressive resume.

Oldman Interviewer: I don't like him!

Oldwoman Interviewer: He is already rejected.

Oldman Interviewer: Give him a difficult question.

Oldwoman Interviewer: Finish him!

Oldman Interviewer: How many decibels are present between Earth and Indraprastha?

Candidate #1: Sir, I don't think that's related to NotBoringJob, the one I'm applying for. Also, it doesn't make sense.

Oldman Interviewer: GET OUT! Rascal!

Oldwoman Interviewer: Nyext!

Candidate #2: Much Goodmornings Sir and Lady Sir. I'm SidePartitioned HumanMouse. I walked in here accidentally.

Oldman Interviewer: You're hired!

Source: Houston Press

Moral of the story

The old are wise and we should listen to them forever and ever and ever...

What happens when you close bars in Kerala?

BARS BARRED

BREAKING NEWS! All Bars without the proper hygiene in Kerala have been SHUT DOWN! That's right, there must be cleanliness in those shady shops where we consume liquids injurious to our health but have the ability to kill most bacteria. As the crisis continues(and since the elections are sooo 2014, wait, what year is it?), let's go to the streets to survey the situation.

Crisis Day One

As men gather around the bar, waiting for it to open. But as they wake up the rooster and the sun, they realise, to their horror, that their watering hole is no more.

Random Malayali #1: At first, when I saw the door closed, I thought I was at the wrong place. I was correct, as I was still in my house. Wait, what're you doing in my bathroom?

Random Malayali #2: We've been getting drunk here for generations. Now where will we go to avoid our wives?

Random Malayali #2's son: Yeah! Where will we go?

Random Malayali #2: You drink?!

Random Malayali #2's son: Dude, your wife's a real bitch.

Random Malayali #2: That she is.

Police constable: Sir, maybe it's April 1st?

Police officer: In October?

Police constable: Surprise?!

Police officer: Arrest everyone. Maybe if I beat the shit out of innocents, I'll feel properly lubricated in this shitty world.

But the residents of nearby houses have different opinions.

Aunty #1: Thank God those drunkards are gone!
Aunty #2: Drinking is such a bad habit. It is bad for the children.

Aunty #1: So is domestic abuse.

Aunty #2: Wonder where all those drunkards will go to now?

Door: (knock)(knock)(knock)

Both: Uh-oh! We're married to them.

Door: (bang)(bang)(bang)

Crisis Day Fore

A few of the Malayalis, working in the Gulf countries have arrived back to their homeland for some much needed rest, relaxation and family time.

Gelf Malayali: Screw that shit! I'm here for the booze and the beef!

21 seconds later...

Gelf Malayali: Oh dear god! I had heard it in the news. I didn't know it was true.

Reporter: So will you be returning back to the Gelf...I mean, Gulf?

Gelf Malayali: What's the point? Why should I earn money anymore?

Reporter: Sir, can't you still buy booze off the counter?

Gelf Malayali: And start drinking in front of the wife when sober?

The ripples of the crisis were propagating its way down the ecosystem in other places as well. The 'thattu kadas' were particularly impacted.

Shop owner: Before, the men needed some place to get food after the bars closed at 11. Now that they don't have any place to be so late, my only clients are the new generation kids calling themselves 'freaks'.

Freak #1: Yo dude! Dis #parotta is ossum. Imma #instagram it!

Freak #2: Watz yo place called? I wanna giva rating on my zomato app yo!

Shop owner: Zomato? Is that a vegetable?

Freak #2: Dis place aint on zomato dood!

Freak #1: #EPIC #fail dude! lezz go!

Shop owner: Well, with them gone, I've to close down business as well.

Crisis Day Se7en

We're a week into this crisis. It seems the Malayali men have adapted to the situation.

Random Malayali #1: At first, we were desperate and we brought booze home.

Random Malayali #2: We thought our wives could be reasoned with and the first hour went without incident.

Random Malayali #1: Then we realised that we had no source of 'touchings' but our wives.

Random Malayali #2: Who also had to clean up all the puke...

Random Malayali #1: ...and feed the children...

Random Malayali #2: ...and watch their TV serials...

Random Malayali #1: ...and defend earth from aliens.

Random Malayali #2: So after the first day, every husband was banned from their respective homes.

Random Malayali #1: It's like no one appreciates our hard work.

Yeah, you got the joke. But it was an ingenious young fisherman who came up with the ultimate solution(other than the alcohol).

Random Malayali #1: We take out boats and go get drunk at sea.

Random Malayali #2: We don't know if we're puking from the sea sickness or the drinking anymore.

Random Malayali #1: The boat mafia is gaining power though.

Random Malayali #2: Also, the Italian navy has been gunning down most of the boats.
Random Malayali #1: Is the Government doing anything about that?
Random Malayali #2: Absolutely not.

With a huge number of Malayalis no longer having the will power to return to the Gulf countries, cheap labour is now going to the huge influx of Pakistan migrants who're rushing to fill in the void.

ISI agent: With all the income from the Gulf countries now flowing back into Pakistan, we finally have enough money to fund our nuclear weapons program...uh...I mean...the...um...education for girls program. Yeah, that.

Back in Kerala, the closure of all thattu kadas...

ISI agent: You guys bought that? That was easier than I thought.

...Thattu kadas , the sales of Parotta has plummeted severely. With no longer a market for the road side parotta, jobless activists have taken to the streets to abolish maida altogether.

Jobless activist: We all know maida is harmful to the human body. Now that the Parotta lobby no longer has power over the parliament, we will take the protests to our living rooms and declare a harthal.

Jobful activist: But what will we do sitting home now? All the liquor stores are at sea.

Jobless activist: Well...fuck.

Crisis Day XIII

This is actually very unlucky.

Crisis Day XIV

Better. The population of men in Kerala has been reduced by half due to all the Italian navy murders. The remaining men are locked away in their homes by their wives and mothers. Crime rate is now at zero.

Meanwhile, having toppled the maida industry, the jobless activists are now against every unhealthy food in India. The only food not under the scope are the vegetables from Tamil Nadu.

Jobless activist: Everyone knows that maida is used to make the adhesive glue for posters in Kerala.

Reporter: (slap)

Jobless activist: DAFAQ!

Reporter: Cooked rice is also an adhesive. GOD! I just hate you self righteous know-it-alls spreading old wives tales. Has anyone checked the internet for this?

Jobful activist: The internet says maida is harmful for your body.

Reporter: Oh...well, the internet can never be wrong. Vegetables it is then.

Due to the excess of imported vegetables from Tamil Nadu, ties between the two states have been strained and the much larger state has demanded all the water of Kerala as compensation for there being no more vegetables left in Tamil Nadu.

28 days later 

After a diet of nothing but healthy vegetables, Malayalis are declared the healthiest creatures on the planet. Since the men can't go out of their houses to kill and eat animals, the herbivores of Kerala have started multiplying.

Having no one to kill, the Italian navy have started doing their job and have begun eliminating the pirates of the Indian ocean.

Meanwhile, the abundance of water has lead the Tamil population to make a startling discovery.

Random Tamilian #1: I started after we stole the monsoon clouds from Kerala. This made sure that we'll be able to take baths every day. After a couple of days we began to notice...changes.
Reporter: What sort of changes?
Random Tamilian #2: Our skin colour wasn't dark like how everyone made fun of us. We are actually very light skinned.
Random Tamilian #1: Also, we used to think daily head baths are for Malayalis. But now, we notice that our original hair colour is blonde.
Random Tamilian #2: And our eyes are blue. Which is something we just noticed. It doesn't have anything to go with the daily bathing.
Reporter: So what have to you...
Random Tamilian #1: EHRE DEM VATER!
Random Tamilian #2: EHRE DEM MEISTER-RENNEN!

Reporter: Well, that escalated rather quickly.

Go check out google translate. You can't expect us to do all your work for you, lazy slob!

Crisis Day 42

All the Malayalis from around the world have flocked back to the home land due to its perfect existence. Due to this, the literacy rate increased to 800% in Kerala, somehow. In a combined effort, Malayalis have discovered the meaning to life, the universe and everything.

Crisis Day 69

We couldn't resist. The economies of all states in India have been decimated because of the lack of Malayali bakeries or tea stalls or shawarma restaurants. Also, the onslaught of cows from Kerala have begun to take over Southern India.

In this moment of weakness, The "People's" "Republic" of China has declared war against India and has taken over the NE states, which no one notices.

Chinese General: We Chinese are all assholes and we like taking over things. It's to compensate for our tiny manhoods.

Having destroyed all the pirates in the world, the Italian Navy take over all the seas.

Crisis Day One Hundred

Pakistan has finally completed its nuclear IBM. Without any warning, the missile is launched. The missile fails to take off and detonates in Pakistan. The Pakistani high command blames India for the nuclear attack which the Indian Government condones. The US gives Pakistan a lot of money to recover and proceeds to attack the Italian navy while crying "Freedom!" at the top of their lungs.

Facing imminent defeat at the hands of the Chinese, the Indian army deploys the two master races present into the war zone. The Tamil refuse since they declare their state autonomous. Malayalis refuse since it's a sunday. The cows refuse since they're cows.

While the wars wage on, all the methane created by the army of cows start to heat up the atmosphere which ignites when a passing meteorite shower shoots debris into out atmosphere.

Life on Earth, has been completed eradicated from the resulting fire.

That's why you don't shut down bars in Kerala.

Fin 

The Mark

He checks himself in the mirror once again. The Mark is still as visible in reflection as it was to the naked eye.

He sits at the foot of his bed to contemplate the meaning. Over 24 hours had passed since he had made the Deal but the world outside was as dark and empty as it had before.

"How much longer do I have to wait?" he whispers to himself and the one he had made the deal with. He longed for some comfort from the only one he knew who could give him the answer. He could almost see the sly face of his sinister Demon giving false hope and trying to comfort him.

Maybe if I try and remember the Demon's face, it would appear in front of me, he thinks, shaking his head to clear his mind.

He remembers how the Demon's face used to leer at him, everywhere he looked. It had a confident smirk on it's face.

"I can make all the pain go away." it had hissed at him. He had chosen to ignore the face and kept on walking away. But every corner he turned, he had seen the same diabolical lips, curled in satisfaction at his utter confusion.

He shakes his head, just to get a sense of reality and looks around his empty room, partially wary of another presence. He knows the Demon won't be summoned at will, it was far too powerful. He knows the only way is to while away time till the Demon realizes its end of the bargain. He looks at his Mark and then outside his window. How could a world, so full of people, be so full of darkness, he wonders.

Thinking of how irreversibly damaged his reality is, gives him a new wave of confidence in his Deal. He walks over to the windows and looks outside. Had he been any normal person, he would've been looking at a scenery as mediocre as they come by. A twitch and a chill down his spine remind him of the Void which is slowly gripping the world unbeknownst to its inhabitants.

He had known of the Void the same day he had met the Demon. He'd always known there was something wrong with his world, but since no one spoke of it, he had ignored his more paranoid thoughts.

That's when the Demon had appeared in his life.
"I can make the pain go away." he heard, from every direction. When he went outside, the Demon's face was  everywhere.
"I can make the pain go away."
He had tried to find refuge at home, only the Demon found a way to find him through the TV, his laptop and even Dad's morning newspaper.
"I can make the pain go away."
The only solace he had received was shut in his room, breaking contact with everyone, even his family. He used to think to himself about the Void that surrounded him from all sides. He used to think about the Demon's face. 
Whether it was morbid curiosity or his will power giving way, he finally acknowledged the haunting face.
"I can make the pain go away."
"But how? My world is so big?"
"Have faith in me child. All I ask in return is one small possession of yours. Something which you'll hardly mourn once it is gone."
He had almost chuckled to himself just before he had made the Deal. Of course, the Demon wanted his soul. After watching all those movies, he knew the drill. Yet, he still asked the Demon what it wanted.
"I think you already know." the Demon began coyly "To make your pain go away and make the world a better place, all I ask of you is your identity."
"My identity?"
"Your identity."
"That will make the pain go away?"
"That will make the pain go away."
Once again, he had decided to go ahead with the Deal without consulting someone wiser. He had made the biggest decision in his life. He had made, the Deal.
"How will I know you will keep your end of the Deal?"
"I told you to have faith in me", the Demon had maliciously whispered into his ear "but to do away with your concern, I shall mark you. For days, you can gaze upon the mark and think about the Deal. Let it be a reminder for you."
And before he could raise a protest, the Demon was gone. The next day, he could no longer find the Demon's face lurking behind every corner. All that remained in the streets were empty shadows which only bore a vague semblance of the monster that once was. But the Void remained and loomed over the world like the stench of death itself.
Now, he sat alone in his room, refusing company and food, waiting for when the world would change for the better as his Demon had promised.
He looks at his Mark once again, this time, a bit more closely. He tries to erase it away with his other finger but to no avail. He notices that the Mark reminds him of something, something familiar, something vicious. He focuses more and more closely on the Mark, till the whole world surrounding him vanishes and in his Mark he could finally see it.
The dark Mark is exactly like the Void that surrounds him. It feeds off him. It lives off him. It is him.
He stumbles back in horror when he comes to the realization that the Mark is the same as the Void and the Demon. His world will never be rid of the Void and he will never be rid of the Mark.
"Fuck!", he sighs in a defeated tone "I should have just stayed home on election day."


Image courtesy: http://obsidianentity.deviantart.com/art/Creepy-Smile-357757047

How bad roads can improve India

A bad road isn't inefficiency. A bad road is opportunity. For whom? Stop being such a doubting pessimist!

Let's start from the beginning when a daddy road loves a mommy road very much and people want to drive their stupid cars to the stupid malls to do stupid people things. But when they buy their stupid car and plan their trip to the mall 20 meters away using Google Earth, they realise that the terrain between where they are and where they want to be isn't stupid car friendly.

Sources: islands.com, ibnlive.com

So they plop to the ground and beat their arms and legs about for about 400 years before the Government realizes that it's election season again and they need to satiate the serfs.

The government releases the Kraken and the PWD department. One is a monster that consumes endlessly and gives nothing back to society but pain and destruction, the other is the Kraken(if you didn't see that coming, you better power off your system and go lie down before you hurt yourself). 

After needlessly wasting time on a survey using a stick and a packet of biscuits, they take tea breaks till the budget is exhausted.

People harmed : None 

People benefited: The PWD

Finally, the PWD decides to call in the specialist. The contractor!

Sources: milkthefranchise.com, neatorama.com

The contractor has two objectives in life:-

1. Make a profit
2. Make a profit next year

The contractor makes a huge profit by taking all the money he's gotten to build the roads, and depositing it at the bank. Then going home and taking his children's chalks, grinding it and laying it down on the ground. BAM! Insta-road!

People harmed : None 

People benefited: The PWD and their families, the contractor and his family

In places where it rains a lot, the chalk powder will get washed away in 5 minutes. In places where it doesn't rain, the people who're starving will eat the chalk powder within 5 minutes.

People harmed : None 

People benefited: The PWD, the contractor and hungry people

Finally, you got your road and you can go to the mall, right? NO BITCH! You fall into those pot holes and break a leg! Blood every where! Wait for the ambulance. Keep screaming. Still waiting for the ambulance. Kids are taking photos of your misery with their new smart phones. Where is that ambulance? Your photos have gone viral. Just kidding! Who'd want to see your photos? Is that the ambulance?

People harmed : You

People benefited: PWD, contractor, hungry people, jobless rich kids

Since the insurance system is only making it's way to India from the US, you'll be treated for your injuries. 
Uh oh! It's a private hospital. So they're gonna have to run a few hundred tests on you. It's normal to check your internal organs when your hand just got severed off. Stop crying you baby!

People harmed : You

People benefited: A LOT of rich people

Meanwhile, you get the estimate for repair work of your vehicle. You instantly die of a heart attack.

People harmed : You

People benefited: A LOT of rich people and a mechanic

So do you see why complaining about the road makes you a selfish prick? Bad roads benefit far too many people for the universe to care about your little complaints. Quit being such a spoil sport.

Top 5 ways to die in India

Note: All ratings are out of 5.

#5: Poverty

A dire consequence of a nation which promotes arranged marriage and motherhood is that everyone procreates, no matter their ability to raise the offspring. While the quelled middle class themselves are finding it difficult to raise children in this cruel and harsh world, people of lesser financial stature are 200% ensuring that the world is a worse place bring more children into it and thus giving the said child little choice but to suffer in it.
Now that you are poor, let's consider your options. If you live in the city, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you live in the country side, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you survive in either cases, you can die of neglect by a Government who knows you won't be interested in voting.
It's like playing chess with yourself while sky diving without a parachute. The only way you can win is by losing, and then you'll die.
If you do get above the ever descending poverty line, don't forget that inflation will beat you to it.

Source: The Syndian

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity:         ☺

Style:              ☺

Mess:              ☺☺

#4: Shame

Marrying someone you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Wearing what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Studying what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? 
Eating what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Earning what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Car not expensive enough? Log kya kahenge?
No children? Log kya kahenge?
Not enough children? Log kya kahenge?
Dark skin? Log kya kahenge?
Short? Log kya kahenge?
Too much hair? Log kya kahenge?
Too little hair? Log kya kahenge?
Born at the wrong time? Log kya kahenge?
Still alive? Log kya kahenge?

All of the above questions has two solutions.

OR

Image sources: http://ragemaker.net/, IBNlive.com, ngpod.cn, investwithalex.com

Awesomeness: ☺☺

Publicity:         ☺☺☺☺

Style:              ☺☺☺☺

Mess:              ☺

#3: Accidents

Rules are for losers. Work is for idiots. So let's leave our work half done and break all the rules to do what is convenient for us. But if someone else does it, damn that person's soul to hell.

Of course, this causes just a minor problem known as inefficiency. This leads to even minor life threatening pit falls where someone loses a life. Yes, it's all fun and games till someone drowns, or falls off a building, or a building falls on them, or gets hit by a car, or simply forgot to pay the dowry.

As a service to you, I've already Googled 'accident' and found the images to be quite fascinating. You can do it yourself and think about what people will be talking about seeing your body in that condition.

Awesomeness: ☺☺☺☺

Publicity:         ☺☺

Style:              ☺☺☺☺

Mess:              ☺☺☺☺☺

#2: Religion

Go ahead and make any reference towards any religion and/or their religious head(s). In a country where the right to religion(no qualification required) is more important than right to speech will lead to the most religious people having the grace of a blind club wielding gorilla riding atop a deranged rhinoceros on cocain. All you need to do is to point a question of "Why?" at the monster or even not be doing anything at all. What will follow is torture(physical and mental) followed by ostracization be all your peers, family and friends since it obviously is your fault.
Forget that all of the 'beliefs' are based on what your parents parroted to you, it's not your belief and your righteous indignation is righteous. More people have lost body parts, lives and loved ones in the name of the random events that you have no control of (aka god) than accidents, honour killings and poverty combined. 
Are those statistics accurate? You insult my god! Prepare to die. 

Awesomeness:  ☺

Publicity:          ☺☺☺☺

Style:              ☺☺☺☺☺

Mess:              ☺☺☺☺

#1: Girl

A girl is not what is going to get you killed, I meant you should simply BE a girl. From female infanticide to honour killings and beyond, women in India find it way easier to die than the opposite sex. Here are a couple of easy steps:-

1. Born as a girl
2. If you survived step 1, do something which you are told shouldn't be done.
3. If you survived step 2, make sure that you're not a man or if you got the wrong country.

Source: Dolls of India

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity:         ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

Style:              ☺

Mess:              ☺☺☺☺

So remember, if you're planning to die in India, make it count. 

Bollywood cliches that must stop

Before I start ranting, I must note to one and all that I AM aware that every other film industry, especially Hollywood, employs the use to cliches in lieu of intelligent screenwriting as well. If your first reaction to the below cliches is "then tell us Hollywud also use clinches no?", kindly go punch yourself in the groin till your respective Bollywood idol walks up to you and tells you to stop.

So let's crack on, shall we?

The choreographed dance sequence

Yes, this is a cliche. I know songs are put in movies to make extra money, but they are all now generic, lacking substance and easily digestible by all. So is baby food.
Once in a while you have the dream sequence and/or the making of a music video excuse to crow bar in a song or two(the latter a brilliant example of coordination as the entire song is taken in a single take). In any other case, it's just down right annoying to have the continuity broken by some dancing and singing to as to keep those people who hate all the talking, entertained and interested.

The club scene

The most common excuse for a song sequence these days is the club scene. Although this is as close to reality as the Lock Ness monster.

What Bollywood tells us that happens in clubs
Source: tr3s.com

What actually happens in clubs
Source: Deccan Chronicle archives

If you want to do a music release of the movies and have more cash to stuff into your mattress, I suggest you make it subtle and play it over a montage or something. If you make the characters dance and sing like a bunch of circus animals, I'm going to assume you're an idiot and hate all your future releases.

Everyone sings

Who the hell is playing the background music? And how can they hear anything being on a train?
Source: Bollywood Eye

Let us assume that the participants have been meeting over the weekends to practice the moves for the dance and make it seem impromptu. What about the singing?
All those songs and I didn't see one instance of someone busting out their Bose speakers for background music. Do they live in a reality where they all can simultaneously hear karaoke music in their heads or do they just sing without music?

The Action sequence

Phuck Physics

Seat belts save lives...oh wait.
Source: Heavy.com

ZOMG! That's so mind blowing that my mind is blown wonly. The epitome of what Bollywood would do to garner cheap applause while keeping the audience dumb enough for the next movie which divorces itself from physics. 

And you make fun of Rajini Kanth, hypocrites!

Unlimited stamina!

The hurdles leg of the Bollywood Ironman challenge
Source: dooleyonline.com

Next time you see a chase scene in the movie, time it and try running at your top speed for the same amount of time. If you succeed, congrats! You're really in shape. In most cases, it'll bring you to the stark reality of having to run for your life without getting tired AT ALL!

What's their secret? Gatorade? The star from Mario? Multiple takes? Unless the characters involved in the chase are established as long distance runners, I'm not buying this.

The script

I know the script is the least funded element of the movie, as opposed to the main actors' ego. After a while, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

Character arc - The Male

There are only two character transformations for a male protagonist. The most popular being turning from demi god to god status. Most of this doesn't involve using the brain in any which way. Thus giving the message to children out there that any problem can be solved by punching it away. This most definitely won't lead to a violent generation of men. But smoking is totally fatal yo!

All this and I'm just being god human
Source: movietalkies.com

The more recent character arc which is unfortunately the coming of age saga where a boy(read: Ranbir Kapoor) starts his journey as a happy person and ends up being married and shit. Why can't the person show responsibility by paying his taxes or helping his Mom do the dishes or something?

Coming of age movie?
Source: One India wallpapers

Character arc - The Female

There are only two ways a female protagonist can evolve her character. One is the common nerd to fun loving type, aka, she let her hair down and took off her glasses female character arc.

Sources: Rediff.com and missmalini.com

Another is the Slut whore bitch to Indian woman metamorphosis. The Slut whore bitch creature would include characteristics like drinking, smoking, wearing clothes burnt by Gandhi and bringing attention to herself. The Indian woman would mostly stand in """traditional""" Indian wear(there aren't enough "s) while folding her hands over her crotch, you know, since the opposing team is about to take a free kick.

Now there's a shy Indian women dressed traditionally and conservatively (till nightfall)
Source: Hot actress photos (Apparently)

Where are your parents?

No seriously, where are they in most of these stories? Do you know how weird that would be in real life?

How I met your mother, but both if us don't exist
Source: Apne.tv

The actors

'Super' 'stars'

I'm tired of these mudda fuggin' stars in these mudda fuggin' movies! We get it, you're a big star, everyone loves you. You don't have to slyly refer to the fact in your movies. The fact that you still are making movies should be enough for someone sans inferiority complex.

So enough of the references towards older and more credible movies, hero shots, protracted intro shots, 100 feet tall bill boards and temples. You made money off of us, you made decent movies, you aren't a bad human being(well, some of you). Now go make headlines by having a spectacular death and being immortalized for the same.

At the end of the day, it's the fault of the 'fans' for injecting so much of self obsession into their 'idols'. Did you know that those rich people wouldn't look in your direction even if you threw yourself at them naked?

Ya ya, you love me, I'm awesome. Now talk to the hand
Source: wn.com

Younger roles

If Leo Dicaprio can't do it, then you probably shouldn't either. The term 'suspension of disbelief'  is already proverbially stretched thin as it is. Please spare us of your delusional ego trip where you get surgery and you'll live for a couple of more decades or so.

Source: Imdb.com

The movie

Sequels and remakes

Remember back when trilogies were good? Me neither.
Source: The Indian Express archives

The ultimate evidence that we, as a country, are henceforth artistically bankrupt. That and the fact that we haven't put down Uday Chopra. It also proves that we've reached the pinnacle of going the safe way, ie, reusing tried and tested formula over and over again. But what do those discussions in those boardrooms go like?

"I got it! I have a fresh idea. We can make a movie about...pants!"

"Pants?"

"Everyone wears pants. It's topical!"

"You sure about this?"

"Nah, let's remake/make a sequel to Zanjeer."

"Right, borrow credibility when we have none."

Ripping off Hollywood

This happened? How desperate can you be fools?
Source: itimes.com

Despite all the criticism towards Hollywood and hatred towards the 'aping the west' concept, Bollywood seems to love the idea. When not making sequels and remakes of older, better Bollywood movies, producers now seem to think it's good idea to make unauthorized remakes of older better Hollywood movies.

At this point, we all know it's no longer about the creativity and originality as we get one of those types per year. By repeatedly feeding the audience dribble, it has become the standard, which, by any perspective, is currently cub par.

How's this for a fresh idea - If you don't have any idea as to what to make for your next movie, go home and not spend your money.

Can you think of anymore movie cliches floating around(or flowering up) these days. I'd like to make a video of these things.