Ultimate Aberration

What we NEED and DON'T NEED at Indian weddings

at 4:44 PM Posted by Venai | 2 bullet holes

Having taken part in the wedding festivities of my Cousin recently, I had more than enough time to look around and figure out what sucks in an Indian wedding and what it misses. I know it was a South Indian Hindu wedding, but I'm pretty sure the following points apply to all Indian weddings.

What we don't need : Stupid formal wedding invitations

You know what I'm talking about. That glorified piece of cardboard with generic wordings. They don't change AT ALL. How about a comic where the groom saves the bride from a fire-breathing dragon! No? Does it differ too much from your mindset of mediocrity and conformity? Well then, given below is the template for EVERY Hindu wedding invitation.

What we need : Nametags

Enclosed within every stupid invitation sent out, should be a name tag where a person can fill in their personal details and come for the wedding. This saves a lot of time wasted trying to remember where you've seen someone before and the most moronic question of "Do you recognize me beta?" can be completely avoided.

What we don't need : Match maker Aunties

There will be those Aunties who are so completely bored with their lives that they must ruin others' for the sake of their sadistic entertainment. If you are single at a wedding, these vultures descent upon you with eyes gleaming of maliciousness and boredom. They start their assault with small talk just to size you up. They have only begun to warm up.

The real invasion begins with a seemingly innocent question such as "How old are you?". Then comes the full on attack about how they know your uncle's brother-in-laws grandfather's cousin's son's grand daughter/son who is just as ripe as you are for the plucking. Skipping through 15 minutes of diatribe about how one should settle down and have children and what not, they end with a casual parting shot about you being next with the same menacing qualities of Arnie's "I'll be back", except there is no cool background music for them.

Sometimes, if the victim is putting up a struggle, the assailant brings in another Aunty into the fray so as to double the impact. This repeats till the victim gives into the supposedly wonderful match or commits suicide, whichever occurs first.

What we need : BATMAN!

Imagine replacing all the annoying Aunties with the Dark Knight himself. He'd just be walking about introducing himself - "I'M BATMAN!". Or he'll be perching atop a chandelier just gazing down on the crowd looking for punks to beat up with his bare hands. If nothing, he can give the perfect replies to any and all idiotic questions and statements. What can I say, Christopher Nolan has ensured that generations to come can quote the living hell out of the Dark Knight trilogy!

What we don't need : Superstitions

Isn't it wonderful that you need to wait for all the planets to be in perfect alignment and in standing ovation before you can tie the knot? Then you have to wait exactly 3 hours and 20 minutes doing nothing but wait to exit the venue since leaving earlier on a tuesday will cause death by spontaneous combustion to both sets of parents. Now all you need is a previously married couple, a saree, a duck and a Russian war criminal to escort the newly weds to the house where they are expected to fornicate for the first time.

Ah finally! But wait! There's more!

If some random con artist (read : ass-trologer) has read your asses correctly, you can't stay in the same room as your new bride. Why? Because the stars say so. Still not convinced? BECAUSE GOD! Now that you're convinced let's see what all ceremonies are required before you can clip your toenails.

What we need : Cut to the chase

We all know men get married for the sexy time. Women get married because, well, that's what they were created for. What else? For being all independant and shit? PUH-LEEZE!

So forget all traditions and superstitions. Bride and Groom exchange rings/flowers/DNA/whatever. Bored guests are given food and shooed off. Bride and Groom airlifted to honeymoon location. The End.

What we don't need : Fancy filmy wedding photos

Couples these days are adopting traditions and idiosyncrasies from other cultures for the sake of being different and kewl. It all sounds fun, so have a blast! Just have mercy on your facebook friends when you bombard us with those wedding photos in all those awesometacular poses. It started as a novelty, now it's become the new standard. You don't have to try too hard to be all different. You decided to get married in the first place, which is the most common thing everyone does.

Now a four way live in relationship involving a goat, THAT'S DIFFERENT!

What we don't need : Foreshadowing wedding photos

If a wedded couple should pose in a more realistic manner of the things to come in the rest of their lives, it should involve vegetables. Nothing occupies a married couple's conversation more than vegetables. So why should it not also occupy most of their wedding photos?

Top 5 things Indian Policemen are good for

at 8:47 AM Posted by Venai | 0 bullet holes

Ever since the dawn of man, there has been one exalted creature that has been doing everything in his power to do nothing for us. This is, THE INDIAN POLICEMAN. You will see these revered organisms glide across your daily lives with the grace and poise of a dysfunctional fighter jet crash on a school house full of handicapped children. From their menial pay to their aggressive personal bias, they've become a popular target of love and sovereignty in our society. Ever wonder why? Here are the...

Top 5 tasks Indian Policemen are good for

#5 : Forcing people to leave from places

You are a busy person and you need to be places. You may not realise this but your friendly neighborhood Policeman does. So he makes sure you leave the area you are in so that you can be more productive. Whether you are breaking the imaginary curfew or just standing around with hands in your pockets, the guardians of our generative capacity will approach you with extreme prejudice and inform you, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". 'There' being which ever area they preside over.

Now you are ready to become a contributing member of society once again. Do not forget to thank the Policeman for the harshness in his tone when ejecting you out of your idleness. You had no reason to be there in the first place. What do you think this is? A free country?

Obama approves of this method

Evidence^[1] : I was standing with a group of friends on the pavement of a major road in Bangalore. It was past 11'o clock, when all good people go to sleep and dream of good people things and bad people come out to do bad people things. Policemen materialised right next to us and told us to, you guessed it, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". We tried to reason and rationalise with them but were bowled over by their logic of "COZ WE SAID SO". We saluted them before leaving and resolved to become better citizens to the great country they do not want to serve.

#4 : Shouting at things

With great power comes the great need to exercise it. India happens to be a crime free country, so the Indian Policemen need to vent their awesome righteousness elsewhere. If they don't, the pent up energy of justice will cause the reality to implode on itself. To prevent all existence from being destroyed and to kill boredom, the Indian Policemen have devised an ingenious method of SHOUTING AT THINGS! Shouting also has the the obvious advantages like:-

Better clarity in the message conveyed.
Assertion of seriousness in what is stated.
Prevention of implosion of the known universe.
Noise pollution enriches Mother Nature.

Even Indian Policemen use Colgate(C) with active crystals

Evidence^[2] : I was trying to overtake a car with my two wheeler when, out of nowhere, came a huge line of police cars and vans escorting a Politician/Government official/Rich guy. The car in front missed me by inches and the policeman sitting in the back poked his head out of the car and yelled "LEARN TO RIDE, MOTHERFUCKER". Had he not yelled, I wouldn't have been so fortunate to have heard what he said from all the ambient noise. To this day I hope to impress that Policeman by learning to ride properly, or sacrifice myself under his wheel in the next encounter. I don't deserve a second chance.

#3 : Upholding religious values

We all know gender equality is a joke and there are only female gods(the correct term to use, not 'goddesses') because of the 33% quota for women in the list of gods. So hating women, amongst other things, is an essential part of religion. That and hatred against other religions, which are so totally false and shit yo! What else does religion teach us? Hate people who speak a different language. Hate people who eat different food. Hate people. Hate things.
Now you are too weak to hate things openly, but not your Policeman(LUCKY!). If you harass people for being different from you at your work, you will most likely get fired. But not the Policeman! It's part of his job. Ain't it wonderful?

Not in India you can't Miss Trouble maker

Evidence A^[3]: Bangalore, a man comes to complain at a Police station about his girlfriend's family, who're pretty much keeping her under house arrest for falling in love with him. Both met in the respectable(?) IT company they work in. Obviously it's their fault for falling in love and being in a steady relation for a few years.
Policeman : No no! This complaint is false!
Man : Sir, but her family is keeping her home and torturing her everyday.
Policeman : This girl Hindu and you Muslim no?
Man : Uh, yes, Sir.
Policeman : Go! You go man! You want to make her prostitute. Her family knows correct way to take care of her.
Man : BUT...
Policeman : You give me your number. I will call you when I need prostitute.
Man : ......

Evidence B^[4]: Bombay (or Mumbai or whatever), Social worker comes to a Police station with a slum dweller girl.
Social worker : Sir! I want to complain about a case of harassment against this girl by her neighbor.
Policeman : No madam, no case.
Social worker : But Sir! He shouts at this girl and masturbates everyday when she walks by.
Girl : ......
Policeman : Any touchings?
Social worker : Well, no. BUT...
Policeman : You take this number and call when real rape happens madam!
Social worker : ......
Girl : (cries)

Evidence C^[5]: Young people partying/attending concert/loitering
Policeman : You yeng peoples! Insulting kul-char of India! Attack!
Yeng person : But sir! I was just...
Policeman : Talking back ah? You are now charged for all the thefts and kidnappings in India. And some in Uganda.
Yeng person : But sir! Why...
Policeman : I don't like you! That's why!
Yeng person : ......

#2 : Keeping the weak and poor from rebelling

Give the rich and powerful a break! They already have enough going on for them, with all the mass looting and money grabbing. Sure it's your money, but unlike you, they've earned it. They also have the extra trouble to giving money to other people and getting luxurious stuff, like diamond studded swimming pools and solid gold SUVs. Sounds exhausting! Managing all that and a million servants. Why would you want them to treat you equally? You're not equal to them.

It's people like these that require the service of Policemen rather than you. So any time you raise your voice to make a statement or protest, wone tight slaaap for you wonly! Student? Slap! Farmer? Slap! Rape victim? Double slap! Why didn't you call the number when the rape was happening?

Oppression can also be spelled as P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S

Evidence^[6] : Many people were protesting at a hospital for a rape victim or something. They wanted the victim to be moved to a better hospital. Now the Police can't have that! Better hospitals are for rich people to go to for their expensive skeletal replacement surgery and to remove the golden cutlery from their anus. To prevent this unwanted crowd in places for people with wanted money, the Policeman slaps the shit out of one of the protesters. Since he didn't want to get slapped back, he chose a weaker opponent, a woman! Needless to say, his inaction put the victim in the hospital from rape and brutality, but at least his action kept her in the hospital. Victory!

#1 : Career option in the movies

You know the drill. Good guy needs to clean up the place, he either becomes the Policeman or beats up the Policeman. Just think of 5 Indian movies you've seen recently WITHOUT a single Policeman. Didn't think so. Thank you Policeman!

FUCK YEAH!

Evidence^[7] : Check out the image above.

Notes:-
[1] - Try doing the same on any main road, especially in Bangalore.
[2] - Happens a lot in Kerala. So many ministers, so few roads to avoid them.
[3] - Bangalore, the under developed(read:backward) areas.
[4] - Child F in article. Her body was found naked and in pieces later.
[5] - Mumbai Moral policing, to name one series of incidents.
[6] - Atleast the policeman was suspended right?
[7] - Check out the image above.

Of the Rain and Missed calls

at 10:50 PM Posted by Venai | 0 bullet holes

The ground, that lays barren, tired and parched.
In search for a drop of water, he endlessly marched.

The soul, that feels bored and is without rest,
awaits for a whisper from she, who calls him dearest.

"Why does this heat persist?" asks the dry land,
"I demand the wind on my face and flowers in my hand!"

"Why does this loneliness persist?" asks the poor boy,
"I demand a song for my heart to dance with joy!"

"I beg of you sky, one lil drop of water is all"
pathetically the land begs, keeled over and so small.

"I beg of you AirTel©, her one lil missed call"
the boy too, in desperation, begins to bawl.

The rain comes! Quenches the land's thirst and makes him refreshed.
The voice comes! Creates a warm glow where her memory is fleshed.

A night later, the heat vengefully returns
thanks to global warming and many a delightful bomb.
And the girl? Flown lightyears upon lightyears away
thanks to her practicality and shaadi.com!

Experiments in patriotism : My Cat

at 1:06 PM Posted by Venai | 5 bullet holes

"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel"

- Samuel Johnson

I was looking around lately, and realized this country is going to the dogs. In order to take it back from the dogs, or at least to make my ego feel better, I decided to conduct an experiment. An experiment in PATRIOTISM! *EPIC MUSIC*

Since the country was going to the dogs, I decided to patriotically conduct the patriotic experiment on my cat. If that patriotic logic doesn't sit well with you, then you should skip the patrioticness in me as you are not patriotic enough.

My cat; obviously excited for being the subject of this experiment

Session #1: Which culture do you follow?

The culture and heritage of our great nation is unmatched. Since we do not have the knowledge or insight of our ancestors, we must do the next best thing - repeatedly keep referring to our past as long as it is convenient to our situation.

Example 1: If India loses to Australia in a crucial test match, it's not because our cricketers were over indulging in product endorsements and spent less time in practice. We are cultured people who have higher pursuits in the spiritual realms and can't be bothered by the brute force of these un-evolved Aussie creatures. Had the cricket match been played in the astral plane, we'd have won hands down.

Example 2: If your daughter/wife/sister wants to do something which she wants, tell her she can't. In the ancient days of the Indian caveman, if the woman left the cave, she would most definitely be raped by a gorilla. This would not happen if she listened to the man and did not leave the cave. So your daughter/wife/sister can't do anything other than what you tell her. Else, gorilla rape!

Recently, the corruption of the youth is taking place due to negative influences from the west. The concept that every society is perfect and flawed in its own way is just nonsense. OUR society is the best and theirs is WRONG! Anything which is different from our way of life for the past 1000 years is BAD! (except concrete, electrical appliances, electricity, wireless communication, medicine or a few other stuff). Let's simplify that. Anything, WE THINK is different, is wrong.

So I took our culture as part of my first experiment. One of the key aspects of culture is the way one looks. I sported a look which befits the corrupting influences of the west, namely a T-shirt and jeans. I also imported another evil western device, THE PONYTAIL. With my new look, I went in front of my Cat and asked for an opinion.

My Cat's shocking answer

I was taken aback. I thought for sure my Cat would tell me to cut my hair and have a side partition. Then to go wear plain clothing and look like a bland background character. But ALAS! My Cat liked my ponytail and wanted to play with it. My Cat did not mind me wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Had I not had a strong sense of cultural sense, I may have liked this atrocious clothing as well. This clothing is against my heritage! I must burn it!

Unlike those westerners who clean their respective asses with paper, I will show Gandhigiri to my Cat and give her another chance. I'm sure she'll show her hidden patriotism for this country in the next test.

Session #2: What does the patriotic Indian look like?

This was a question that really bogged me. I thought I'd get some idea from the Indian flag. Since I forgot what the Indian flag looked like, I googled it. What struck me the most was the first colour, saffron. Since it is the first colour, it is obviously the most dominant one. I know there are other colours, but that's only because saffron LET those other colours be there. This flag obviously belongs to saffron!

I get that this is a secular flag, but that's just because it's in the constitution and second standard textbooks. Don't you know that saffron is not really a colour, but a CONCEPT OF PRINCIPLES? It is a concept of peace and prosperity, unlike white or green. Saffron has been on the flag thousands of years ago. Green invaded the flag and white colonized the flag. Dirty colours they are!

I was thinking saffron and the first thing that popped into my mind was NARENDRA MODI! I don't know why. It's as if god wants to connect this beautiful colour with this beautiful creature and has spoken through me. I must write songs about this majestic creature and sing them with others like me.

BUT FIRST! I must finish my experiment. So I googled 'Narendra Modi' and filled my screen with his Modi-ness and Saffron-ness. My second experiment will be how one accepts the most patriotic Indian.

Vande....Matharam.....*sobs*

I showed it to my Cat. I was waiting for my Cat to start singing 'Vande Matharam' along with me. In fact, I wanted to petition our flag be changed to something else, something more patriotic. Maybe the image of a LOTUS would be perfect. So I was day dreaming about my Cat and I petitioning for a newer more patriotic Indian flag.

Vande....Matharam?

I was waiting for my Cat's awesome reaction. I mean, anyone who doesn't like saffron or lotuses, should be a supporter of the Italian mafia! How could they hate this country and sit silently while the Italian mafia is doing things. I know what you're thinking, why can't someone hate BOTH saffron AND the Italian mafia. Well you're wrong. You can't have your own opinions if it differs from saffron. It's either India or Italy.

My eyes could not be believed upon

How could my Cat do this to me? I'd specifically chosen a colour and a person through arbitrary internet search. It's not like I should know the past and present of my choices. My choice should solemnly be based on what's popular. And anyone who disagrees with me should be wrong. I shall give her one last chance.

Session #3: Will you protest to preserve our great nation?

Protesting is essential for the smooth running of any republic. Protest for the prevention of the crime is pointless. The best way is to protest AFTER the crime occurs. Also, in order to maintain novelty, one must protest against something sensational and gossip worthy. To simplify things for you, here's a list of things which you must and must not protest against

Things you SHOULD protest against : Rape in cities, Corruption (the word), Facebook not loading, Not enough pocket money, Sonia Gandhi, Religious something

Things you SHOULDN’T protest against : Rape in villages, Land grab, Deforestation, Aggressive corporatization, Female infanticide, Communalism, Poor educational system, Farmer suicides, Widespread poverty, Honour killing, Lack of infrastructure, Lack of population control, Lack of proper medical supplies, Lack of employment for most, Lack of concern of the Government, Lack of concern of the society etc etc etc

Some losers out there are even protesting against PROGRESS! How dare they! When APJ Abdul Kalam said India will be a super power at 8:20PM(get it?) today, he meant that India will be full of luxury flats and malls. India can't be a super power and look like a country full of slums and poor people.

As the third and final test, I asked my Cat's opinion on something which everyone is talking about very actively these days - Anna Hazare's fight against corruption! What? That's not in the news anymore? Then that problem must've been solved. Then I'll ask my Cat about Terrorism, that's something that's always going around these days. If it's not a hot topic now, it will be as soon a bomb goes off somewhere. I personally don't know what all the fuss is about, don't they know that when someone dies in a terrorist attack, that they'll get 72 virgins in heaven.

My Cat eating, obviously she hates Mahatma Gandhi and free speech

THAT'S IT! I'm sending my Cat to Tihar jail!

I hope she gets the death penalty, nothing is too harsh for my anti-national freedom hating commie Italian mafia Cat!

JAI HIND!

My Cat wasn't harmed during the making of this post. Though she was slightly annoyed at all the extra attention she was getting.
Inspired from a lovely post by MediaCrooks. I'm deliberately not adding a link so as to not get them more hits.

How to create a rapist in 3 easy steps

at 8:57 PM Posted by Venai | 2 bullet holes

SETTING

This isn't the sort of thing that can be done overnight. We need to go back in time, several hundred years, when the Europeans were starting to conquer the world because they felt like it. Let us now select a country outside of Europe with a rich culture and heritage. A country with enough exposure to the rest of the world via peaceful trade routes. A country, where the ancient civilizations will be studied for centuries to come. Do you have a country in mind? Good! Let's get started, let's make that rapist.

STEP 1 : Follow MY rules!

Your selected country is where we will be spawning our rapist, so obviously you'll have to manipulate the people living in the country. Go ahead, brutally invade the country and colonize it. By colonize, the major aspect to be considered is religion.

IMPORTANT : Your religion must be a completely male dominant one based on the concept of sin and blind faith.

Use this religion to criticize and look down upon the natives. Of course, their concept of society, sexuality and spirituality is different from yours. So of course, they're wrong! Tell them everything they do is SIN. Don't forget to focus on the sexuality. Sex (possibly the most natural thing which leads to our existence) is unnatural and wrong. Even thinking about sex is wrong. Why is it wrong? It says in the religion that sex is wrong, so it has to be wrong!

By repeatedly hitting them over the head for being open about themselves individually, you'll create a region of people who're frustrated they can't live the way they have for hundreds of years. As a bonus, you can make them cover up their body parts, all of them, in the name of CIVILIZATION and SIN! At the peak of mental and physical frustration, you will achieve the first step.

STEP 2 : Mom isn't important

It is impossible for one to become a rapist if they have respect for women. In order to ensure an inherent indifference towards all women, we shall break down their respect for the most important woman in one's life, the Mothers. Specific steps that can be followed to make this happen practically are:-

Lack of education : An educated Mother is a strong Mother, not happening.
Physical abuse : Nothing says weak and pathetic like a closed fist to Mom's face.
Financial dependence : Mom can't handle money, she's a guuuuuuuuurl!
Slavery : All those household chores ain't gonna be done by a man,
More physical abuse : Just to be sure
Repeated pregnancy : The miracle of child birth. Again, and again, and again.

Check mark all the above. Double check. When asked about their Mothers, if the children have an image of a bloodied and beaten woman, who works to satisfy everyone and gets no credit, then congratulations, you've completed step two. You may now take a small break, partially to be impressed by your own work, but mainly to wait for the children to grow up to the proper age for step three.

STEP 3 : Segregation

All your work to this point can be undone completely if the child receives proper education and exposure to other specimens of the fairer sex. Not to worry, the current educational system is on your side with the exception of one major flaw.

The importance of Step one will reveal itself at this stage. A society afraid of the mere mention of the word 'sex' will definitely be afraid of any male-female interaction that doesn't involve weighted shackles on the ring fingers(commonly referred to as 'wedding rings').

As mentioned earlier, the major flaw of the current educational system, is that it is unbiased of gender. Institutions of education are locations where our rapist candidates can meet, interact with and maintain normal relations with their potential victims. This is where implementation of step three becomes crucial.

If the young boys and girls are separated during the educational sessions, there wouldn't be any proper interaction between them, hence negating the major flaw of the educational system. The minimal requirement is that segregation be done within the same room by means of the invisible LoP(Line of Prudishness) - a line which runs through the center of the classroom dividing the boys section from the girls section. It is recommended to use separate rooms or separate buildings if the budget permits.

Any violation of the LoP should be dealt with severe punishment, preferably one where the violators are mentally scarred for the remainder of their lives. All punishments must be made public so as that a clear example can be made for other possible future violators. Ensure, the rules of the LoP extend to outside of the premises of the educational institution as well.

When properly implemented, the step three will certify that our rapists will know only one way to interact with those of the opposite gender, and that is through their genitalia. At this point, go online and order yourself a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates. There is much to rejoice! You have created a generation that needs the slightest of provocation to achieve the purpose they were created by god for.

Now encourage your rapists to go out there and gain some experience. She's asking for it either ways. They're all asking for it. Have fun!

The author resides in the state of Kerala, South India. His region's population(including himself) has undergone all of the above steps but sadly due to missing vertebral columns, very few rapists were created. Hence, only sexual deviants are wide spread. The author would like to apologize to the world wide rapist community on behalf of the poor performance of his state.