How to beat the Monday blues

Source: Some Des Moins University page



Call in sick [Level: Novice]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: Yes?
Me: Boss! I have a terrible headache.
Boss: What was that?
Me: I said that I have a terrible stomach ache.
Boss: Okay.
Me: So because of my terrible back pain, I won't be coming to office.
Boss: I wish you had at least tried to come up with a good excuse.
Me: I couldn't put my mind to coming up with something better due to this terrible neck pain.
Pros: Monday avoided.
Cons: Boss thinks you're an idiot.

Someone died [Level: Beginner]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: Yes?
Me: Boss! My paternal Grandfather's maternal Uncle's only nephew's daughter-in-law's husband's Mother's only grandchild is dead.
Boss: That's terrible, I'm sorry for your loss. (yawn)
Me: So I can't come to office.
Boss: Of course you can't, you're dead.
Me: Wait...oh!
Pros: Monday avoided, grievance leave.
Cons: Have to pretend to be sad, ghost of the person whom you killed will haunt you, Boss thinks you're a liar.

Marriage [Level: Medium]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: What is it?
Me: I'm getting married.
Boss: Whoa, when did this...
Me: It was all too sudden.
Boss: Congrats, what's the bride's name?
Me: Well,'s....where's the damn invitation card?...she's from a nice is....VINAY!
Boss: That's your name.
Me: I knew that.
Pros: Monday avoided, you're now married.
Cons: You're now married.

Threaten nuclear strike [Level: North Korea]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: You again?
Me: I won't come to office today.
Boss: What? Why?
Me: If you ask me, I shall have to retaliate with my full nuclear capabilities.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: Don't tempt me Boss. I won't hesitate to blow you and your company away.
Boss: Look man, I don't have time for this.
Me: You've given me no choice...시작 발사 순서!
Boss: ....(hangs up)....
Pros: Monday avoided, you've learnt Korean.
Cons: Possible unemployment, institutionalization at an asylum.

Kidnapped [Level: Not bad]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: Stop calling me!
Me: Boss! I don't have much time. They've got me!
Boss: What? Who?
Me: They've kidnapped me Boss.
Boss: WHA?!
Me: They've demanded that the Company pay up a ransom of 10% of my current salary.
Boss: Uh...mfff...Hello? I can't hear you.
Me: They just want a 10% increase. Please, they've worked so hard in kidnapping me.
Boss: See, they weren't proactive in their kidnapping. They also were in the same category of different kidnappers who'd kidnapped the CEO of the company. Relative performance wise, I felt...
Me: What're you talking about?
Boss: ... (hangs up) ...
Pros: Monday avoided, adventures lie ahead.
Cons: Possible death, no hike, multiple leaves.

Suicide [Level: Committed]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: WHAT?
Me: I'm gonna do it boss.
Boss: I don't care.
Me: I'm gonna kill myself.
Boss: Whatever!
Me: I've written your name in my suicide note.
Boss: WAIIII...
Me: .......
Pros: Monday avoided, Boss doesn't get hike, FaceBook attention.
Cons: Certain death, no more salary.

Religion [Level: Invincible]

Me: I can't come to office today.
Boss: What're you...why?
Me: 'Cause GOD!
Boss: Okay.
Pros: Monday avoided, messiah complex.
Cons: Crucifixion.


Assassination [Level: Badass]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: Please don't come to office anymore!
Me: Do you see a red dot on your shirt?
Boss: What is that?
Me: Now watch as it moves to your shoulder.
Me: Damn straight.
Boss: FUUUUUCK...I'M BEING SH.......
Me: Rest in peace bitch.
Pros: Monday avoided, alternate career option, being a bad ass.

Nuclear strike [Level: Hardcore]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: ...OT AT! AAAAAH!.... Wait, where am I?
Me: I won't come to office today.
Boss: What's going on...who is this?
Me: You have 10 seconds before a IBM, aimed at your crotch, hits it's mark.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: Inter Ballistic Missile. You should've figured this out from all the time you spend on Wikipedia. 3 seconds.
Boss: I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will....
Me: Irradiate in peace bitch.
Pros: Monday avoided, being a hard core bad ass.
Cons: World War III.

Warp reality [Level: God]

Me: Hello? Boss?
Boss: ......
Me: That's right, you no longer exist.
Boss: ......
Me: Also, Mondays no longer exist.
Boss: ......
Me: But since Tuesdays became the new Mondays, I'd to get rid of Tuesdays as well. Then Wednesdays and so on and so forth till nothing exists.
Boss: .......
Me: .........Well, this isn't as interesting as I thought it'd be.
Boss: ........
Me: FINE! Let there be light!
Pros: Monday avoided, you are now God.
Cons: God now exists.


Two German girls versus Indian men

2 countries, now in bookstores near you

These are actual events which happened when two German girls, Ollie and Sophie, had come down to India for a month long stay. They stayed at my place for a weekend, which is when they shared these stories about the creepy Indian men. I'm deliberately leaving out the locations so as to not sound prejudiced towards any geography.

Prologue: Mr.Beard and his elbow

Upon entry into this country of mystique and adventures, our heroines retire at a hostel. Not being one to be un-savvy in the form of internet communication, Ollie borrows the hostel owner's laptop and begins to google about the Kamasutra.
Along comes Mr.Beard. Mr.Beard had a beard. He also had two arms, each equipped with one elbow. Mr.Beard and his arms settle right next to Ollie for no specific reason what so ever. Ollie smiled at him since she was polite.
Mr.Beard, whips out his elbow and begins rubbing it against Ollies arm to generate static electricity through friction. He realized that his other arm was free and felt sad for the lonely little hand. So he decided to transfer the gained static electricity to his crotch by completing the circuit. Ollie was confused with the experiment and asked Mr.Beard to explain it to her, since she's a girl and doesn't understand science. Mr.Beard was generating far too much electricity to explain to laymen about his experiment and continued in the name of progress and science.
Ollie, being polite, didn't want to hurt Mr.Beard's feelings and ever so politely told him that she's leaving. Mr.Beard, being the politer one, stopped his experiment and offered to leave himself to conduct further experiments with his lightning rod. Ollie was amused.
Mr.Beard later popped out of a cupboard under the stairs fanning himself and being fully contempt.

The lifeguard who wanted chaat

Ollie and Sophie check into another sea side location. They meet a friendly lifeguard. A life guard usually runs in slow motion and saves people from drowning. It was night and the life guard didn't have anyone to save as everyone had already drowned. Instead the life guard was talking to Ollie and Sophie. He seemed like a really nice guy, and all the married women know that when he seems like a nice guy, he really isn't.
Ollie and Sophie didn't know any Hindi, so they were confused when the lifeguard switched to Hindi and asked them if they'd like to eat chaat. Ollie and Sophie knew what chaat was and they'd read from their guides to India that it must be tried. Their excitement and anticipation was met with even more Hindi and even more mentions of 'chaat'.
It then occurred to our travelers that it's too late in the night for any establishment to be selling chaat. When asking the lifeguard about where they would get the chaat, he mistook the question as to how. How what? Well, how to 'chaat'.
He demonstrated by miming eating an ice cream cone. Little did they know that chaat wasn't being used as a noun, but as a verb. Getting the gist of the situation and the lifeguard's request, Ollie and Sophie leave the vicinity to go back to their rooms having not eaten chaat.


When Ollie had met one of my friends, she'd asked the cliched question of how she finds India. Ollie replied with "How is India for a woman?". I knew where this was going and changed the flow. She later told me at some point "I used to complain about Germany, but now after coming to India, Germany's not so bad".

A travel companion

Ollie took the bus and was feeling rather lonely sitting in the back seat. The dilemma was that no one who has any idea of how buses function in India would sit in the back seats. But Ollie had a huge backpack which she couldn't leave anywhere else.
Enter the Hero, to save Ollie from her loneliness. The Hero had good English, much like Ollie and hence could communicate well with her. Ollie was happy to finally have someone to talk to and not just stare at her.
Hero asked her where she was from and she told him that she was from Germany. Hero asked her where she was off to and she told him that she was traveling to Cochin. Hero asked her how long she was in India and she told him that she'll be around for a total of one month. Hero asked her whether she would like to fuck him and she told him that he should go sit somewhere else.
It's still not sure if it was Ollie's politeness or the fact that she actually looked like she can take him on, but Hero left so as to provide another lonely traveler with his company. Ollie spent the rest of the journey to Cochin without fretting the fact that no one was sitting next to her.

Temple run (Best story)

Sophie traveled to a small town and went to check out the local temple. She met many other travelers in the town where she stayed who warned her about the guy who stares at women in the temple. Having dealt with several of them before, Sophie confidently marches into the temple.
In the corner, sat the man in question. Much like what they'd already told her, he was staring at her intently. Much like they hadn't told her, he was masturbating, also intently.
Having seen such a scene for the first time, Sophie had no idea as to how she should react. So she picked up the nearest stones and began to pelt the intent little man. When that didn't help to shoo him away, she decided to approach a person of authority, a tactic which has thus far proven spectacularly ineffective in India.
She was trying to communicate to the temple poojari of the incident and he either pretended to not comprehend or didn't. Then Sophie, who's English isn't bad at all, happens to mention the word 'penis'. The poojari immediately blows up in a mixture of embarrassment and indignation. He frantically motions Sophie to make herself scarce so that he can get back to doing poojari things, evidently activities not dealing with the male genitalia.
To this day, Temple Boy lurks the darker corners of the religious establishment, as though forming a metaphor, ready to pounce on the next hapless non-penis bearer.


Ollie's last few days in India and she needs to recharge her mobile with some talktime. She finds her way into a local recharge shop which was a bit too crowded, like any place in India. While the people were staring at Ollie, like they always do, there was one younger guy among them who was exceptionally well at staring. After having left the shop, the teenager started following her.
Having been followed and stared at for all the trip, Ollie didn't pay any attention tot he kid till he appears right in front of her and asks "I want you number." Ollie, still being the polite person she is, tells him her and asks for his in order to start a civil conversation. Number boy would have none of it.
After repeated demands for her phone number, he switches tactics and starts off with "Pleeeease give me your number" to which the polite Ollie replies that she can't give her number to someone who is a stranger. Several pleas later, she bids him a courteous goodbye and leaves.
Later, she runs into him again at the mall where he triumphantly announces that he has her number. Though taken aback slightly, Ollie still is still cordial with the boy and tells him that it is rather creepy, a word completely lost on the youth.
At the end of the day, she receives several missed calls and messages that just say "hi". And then she left India that night.
Rather anti-climatic when one thinks about it.

Epilogue: Back in Germany

Once back in Germany, Ollie messages me on FB saying that she'd met a group of (probably) drunken idiots who invite her for some mating rituals of their own and her statement verbatim is "...and that reminded me of you.".
Yes, she looks back fondly at the her trip and remembers the desperate men and their pathetic attempts to make contact in the only form that they know. Thanks to their actions, my memory has taken a much less precedence.
Thank you conservative patriarchal society! I hope a meteor collides with us.

PS: I go forth to dedicating this post to a recent reader I'd met who'd gotten me a couple of opportunities in the real world(and not the blogosphere). Knowing that someone actually reads your blog on date makes you want to update it on time, every time.

Top 5 election based publicity stunts I'd like to see

#5: Modi should release a comic book chronicling the exaggerated version of his childhood

Oh...wait a second. Nevermind!

#5: Modi should build the Great wall of India

Building an iron statue of the iron man of India? Well, looks like someone's been playing a lot of Age of Empires. It is true that building an epic monument is the best way to keep the serfs from revolting, but this idea is not grand enough. What India needs is a wall, a Great Wall outlining the perimeter of the entire country. A wall is a more practical solution to India's problems than a gigantic statue or pyramid. Firstly, it'll keep out the likes of Ajmal Kasab(or maybe trap him within?). Secondly, it’ll keep the illegal immigrants from our respectable neighboring countries at bay. Thirdly, and hopefully not lastly, it’ll prevent those pesky Tsunamis from attacking any part of the country. And while we’re at it why not make one that can be seen from the moon!
Die hard supporters of Modi who spend their time loving him online in the privacy of their dark dingy rooms can do some actual work for a change. As for the farmers, laborers and cattle-class in general, instead of giving up their precious tools, they can give up their sweat and blood to build the wall. And if they even give up their lives and actually die hard during the construction of the wall, then they can be buried right underneath it. Only to be brought back to life to fight as Modi’s army of the undead. What a meaningful end to their pointless lives!
Once it is finished, the Great Wall of Modi will be his legacy for future generations. Our children will gaze upon Modi’s massive erection and say 'kitna bara toin hain…' and their mothers will agree, ‘bara hai toh behter hai’
Remember, you can’t spell PROGRESS without spelling COLOSSAL ERECTION. Oh wait, you actually can. Funny how that worked out.

Note: If you’re a Modi ‘fan’, this is the point where you foam at the mouth and close the browser in sheer indignation and not read the rest of the article. Have a nice day!


#4: Arvind Kejriwal should fix the hole in the ozone

We all know that corruption can be eradicated in India by just pressing a button. The location of this button is known to all but only politicians can reach it because they have ‘law’ tucked comfortably inside the pockets of their Nehru jackets(the proverbial hands of the ‘law’ being very long). Thus they refuse to press the button unless there is an obvious political mileage such as appeasing a vote bank. 
Enter Arvind Kejriwal! He promised to press the button and make the corruption go away at the blink of an eye. Where the hand can’t reach, the broom can, apparently.
Yet, it's been months and several thousand blinks of the eye and Kejriwal still refuses to press the button. Obviously, this is because he's an American-Congress-Naxal-Terrorist-Martian super spy who only wants to tell lies and eat kittens.
Though the massive internet joke campaign did weaken him considerably, he will once again swear on his children that he wouldn't get a haircut and proceed to cut his hair and eat kittens. I can only see one form of redemption for this fallen angel.
Kejriwal should first promise to close the ozone hole. Secondly, he should publicize his first promise by a second bigger promise: to stop all evil. Then he should punch aforementioned evil through the ozone hole before closing it up and stitching it right in front of live cameras. It would be desirable if he finally praises god and kisses his children for extra brownie points. Then and ONLY then, will I trust this man who violated my false sense of patriotism.
Until then - "If Kujliwal is AAP, then who is BAAP?". Hee hee hee!


#3: Rahul Gandhi should take selfies

Let's face it, no one likes Rahul Gandhi. He's sported as the young dude of the party yet he does nothing that befits young people. He dresses in the same old clothes the politicians have been wearing since Mahatma Gandhi told them to burn all their jeans. He isn't drinking mountain dew and hi-fing people as he walks by. He also isn't net savvy like the other young people (Narendra Modi, Shashi Tharoor etc).
For starters, he can post mundane photos of him from a close up angle, aka, selfie. It worked for the Pope didn't it? It turned him from hapless leader of the pedophile cult to Time magazine's Dude of the year.
He can take selfies of him pretending to eat at the homes of poor people, pretending to understand what poverty means, pretending to listen at any political gathering while eating a lillipop and for dramatic effect, use the pallu of his mom's saree to frame his shots. These are the things we already hate him for and the power of the selfie will turn that frown upside down.
On the contrary, perhaps then, the youth will start taking him seriously and decide that they can go skateboarding with him. Perhaps then, he will be invited for all the parties the cool kids are having and he can take 5000 photos of himself at said parties. Perhaps then, I shall take him seriously.
On second thought, no, it's impossible to take this clown seriously.


#2: Sonia Gandhi should go Brangelina and adopt a child

Sonia Gandhi has really bad luck. First she got stuck with the Indian Margret Thatcher as a mum-in-law. Then her hubby got his face blown off my some unattractive Tamilian girl. And now, she stuck with Robert Vadra’s wife and a buffoon for children.
She’s also being heralded as the harbinger of corruption in India, since her rival party is squeaky clean. Not being born in India did not help her image either. Indians hate Indians, but we all hate non-Indians with a passion, simple because they’re non-Indians.
Before the Swiss banks start getting less liberal and start revealing details of their stored plunder to the world, Ronald McDonald and illustrious Gandhi family must go through an image makeover. Not lipstick or hair colour, but Mrs. Gandhi should go Brangelina and adopt a child(Bad idea for Mr. McDonald since we know he loves children in the wrong way).
For some reason, the country is still fascinated by children. How else can we become a country containing 1/6th the population of the Earth? Since Mrs. Gandhi is too old to nurture a child, she should adopt an older child.
Uday Chopra is a great option as she’s shown an affinity towards retarded children. How about Shashi Tharoor? That guy's good for a laugh, though in the written format it’s limited to 140 characters. But Mr. Tharoor has proven himself pretty fly for a white guy having women throw themselves at his feet. The competition will be too much for Mrs. Gandhi.
Maybe she can adopt a chimpanzee. How can that go wrong?


#1: Poonam Pandey should strip naked at India Gate if AAP wins Lok Sabha elections

What would the world be without over glorified models desperately seeking media attention by any means necessary other than acting well in movies? But let’s forget about Shah Rukh Khan for a while and focus on the star of…well, uh…not sure if she actually acted in any films.
Poonam Pandey said she’d strip in public if India won the world cup. Did that happen? I’ve searched the internet but couldn’t find anything. Possibly because I get bored in 5 minutes and log in to
The supposed underdog for these elections is the AAP, this being their first major elections et al. Is someone playing the Rocky theme song while Kejriwal is doing push ups? Wouldn’t it be great if they actually won? I’m just tired of every elections always being a clash between Godzilla and King Kong(my apologies to both monsters for the analogy) where we have to pick either of them. How about we pick the new kid in the block? If for no reason, simply because we’re tired of the usual suspects.
Once AAP does win and starts chasing cockroaches with their brooms, Poonam Pandey should honour them by stripping in front of India Gate in Delhi. Why her and why that location?
It’s been a while since she’s been on the news. It’ll be great publicity for her. Also, the question people of all aspects of life – rural, urban, white collar, blue collar, communist, capitalist, will give the same answer to is “Do you want to see a naked woman?”. The altruistic act will bring our nation together under the leadership of the new government.
The soldiers who’ve given up their lives so that you can watch reality shows and eat KFC, would be turning in their graves with high torque after having their memorial desecrated in the Pooamest way possible. Harnessing the rotating corpses of our long gone jawans would bring a new source of power generation and thusly decrease the use of fossil fuels and dependence on USA.
In short, environment is protected, Rupee value goes up, Aam Aadmi will govern the country and you would’ve seen the boobs of a twenty two year old.
The only non-NSFW photo of Poonam Pandey on the internet
Image source: Glamsham wallpapers
Jai hind!

Flowcharts for people on social media seeking attention







Did you like today's post? If you'd like to see more flowcharts, leave a comment below and I shall ignore it and watch porn. Cheers!

India needs a colosseum

Source: Wikipedia; In case you didn't know what the Colosseum is

Since culturally we're regressing back to the time when Jesus Christ was born and/or a violent patriarchal religion was being created, how about we take a lesson of those times from the jolly old Roman civilization. Why the Romans? They were ruled over by a dictator as well. I guess I spoke too soon. The most patriotic man in India isn't the dictator yet.
Now how 1.2 billion people are going to fit into a a single elliptical structure(approx 22.5Kms long and 17 Kms wide; 75000 acres base - actually calculated), I'm not sure. But they'll fit them all in there. Once they're in, the quality of the programs are of the utmost importance as shown below in the monthly schedule.

Statutory warning

We can't start any event without your Government telling you that you're too stupid to survive life and need constant nagging to prevent your own imminent death. We can have 'I am Mukesh' guy come from time to time, followed by a sign which says 'And Mukesh died two weeks after...again'.
Only after this message is given and surely would've affected the audience, can the vendors selling pop corn, carbonated drinks and cigarettes. 


Where would India be without having commercialized junk food cricket shoved down our collective throats EVERY MONTH. Since cricket enthusiasts and other jobless people have more than enough money and time in their pockets, it's a great good time we give it to those richer than us. 
Starting with the auctions, where the players will be displayed at the podium where you can see there faces when they know exactly how much they're worth(unsold players will be auctioned off to the Aam Admi for doing household chores till next season). Then we move on to the pseudo science of strategy and Siddhu bouncing about making sounds. Once we're done with all the jesters, we can actually have the game. Followed by the players having their after game parties right there in the arena. The demanding game schedule and alcohol poisoning will ensure that the players die before they hit 24, bringing us fresh and new talent whom we can criticize. EVERY. MONTH.

Rape and punishment

This would be a classic case of deterrence by example. Ensuring that the girls selected are as modernly dressed as possible(they were asking for it) while at the same time attractive(else who's going to be interested). 
Once the deed is done and they've both caught their breath, the audience can protect the girl from the privacy broaching interrogation of the policemen and other authoritative figures by directly asking her questions about it - What all was she wearing? What all was she not wearing? What did he do? What exactly did he do? How did she feel? Did she like it? Are they related?(Husband-wife doesn't count) Will they be exchanging numbers afterwards? 
This way all those who were sitting in the back won't miss out a thing. The police or court won't need to question her and report it to Aam Admi either as we got first hand information of assault. They wouldn't need to eitherways, since the man will be beaten, hung, castrated, shot, scalped, waxed, sent to outer space, returned, disintegrated and given ONE TIGHT SLAP so that our collective righteous anger will be vented in the right direction.
This will discourage women to wear anything other than chastity belts and refine their characters for protection and deters rapists from raping(which they can't 'cause of the chastity belts, but if they do it, it's not their fault).


Aren't you tired of how education is so uncensored with all it's bloody wars, the dark ages, science and thinking. Who needs all this western style education and English eitherways when you got everything that ever was and ever will be written down in the holy scriptures.
Which holy scriptures? Well, all of them, I guess. That's right! Ancient religious pedophiles split the atom, knew about the big bang and invented sliced bread way before science was ever created by their respective gods.
While the scriptures are being repeated over and over again, the young minds will decipher the code behind the words and figure out trigonometry and physics equations and other things discovered much much later by those damn westerners. Obviously, those scriptures contain all the information that will be discovered by the English man for centuries to come, it just isn't revealed yet so that they won't steal it and win their noble prizes and beauty pageants. 

Homosexual gladiators

Yet another deterrence of an unnatural and disgusting behavior. Those dirty characterless men(since women together are sexy) should be clad with loincloths and oiled up for a spectacular melee weapon combat.
Two men should be pitted against each other with no protection except their massive swords. It'll be real balls to the wall action. While the men try to thrust their sharp weapons at each other, the crowds will cheer them on. Until one of them will plunge his pointy thing deep into the other one, so much so that latter chokes and gags on bodily fluids. Things will get real messy when destroying that asshole from the inside, he deserved it! 


Who cares about that stuff? We're having too much fun with all this entertainment. I don't care who's putting toxic chemicals in my water or destroying my forests as long as I don't have to think and can have fun. What? That guy over there is awesome 'cause you said so? Okay! I like him and have no reason to criticize him. Why do I like him? FUCK YOU! You're just here to spread hate and thinking. Go away! Leave my country alone!

Let the games begin!

A real movie

Our weekly post is interrupted by bringing you what constitutes a real movie...

No hype
No marketing
No pretense
No illusion
No facade
No drama
No melodrama
No primary antagonist
No secondary antagonist
No caricatures
No side kick
No comic relief
No cartoons
No song sequence
No love arc
No forced chemistry
No begging for sympathy
No begging for attention
No intro shot
No intro song
No hero shot
No slow motion
No loudness
No brashness
No cliches
(Alright, just a couple of cliches)
No big deal
No agenda
No product placement
No travel brochure
No pretentiousness
No judgments
No pseudo social commentary
No shackles
No fingers pointed
No hands raised
No review
No sarcasm
No objective view
No dissection
No Freddy Mercury
No sadness
No regret


Stay tuned for regular programming, resuming tomorrow.

300: Rise of an Empire in a nutshell

We're coming in live from Rio, where the fans have gathered for 2014 FIFA World Cup

So picking up just after the events of 300, actually, way before 300 but also while 300 is happening and know what? Forget it!

A long time ago in ancient Eurasia, there was a great Athenian warrior named Thamisstiklees...uh, Thurmyzticeles...The-mystical-eves? Just go check out IMDB. So Tea-Miss-Tickle-seas kills an invading Persian king in slow motion.

Themus-tea-cleaves: With crystal clear clarity in the midst what seemed like of a heavy battle 5 seconds ago.
Blood: (looks more fake than 300)
Normal Xerexes: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You have killed my father, prepare to die!
Persian King: This is a good time to introduce Badass Eva Green, the main antagonist of the movie.

Everyone in the audience knows that someone will have sex with Basass Eva Green at some point in this movie.

Badass Eva Green: You will walk half naked into the desert without an aim.
Normal Xerexes: Isn't this similar to Leonidas training in the wilderness with...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.

So Normal Xerexes walks into a random cave aimlessly and submerges into the septic tank of the weird leper magician people in the cave. In an instance of Zack Snyder nonsense, he emerges as Giant Xerexes from 300, complete with piercings and make up. It makes no sense but sure as hell looks cool!

Zack Snyder: Now don't forget, lots of blood.
Unknown Director: You got it.
Zack Snyder: (flies off to ruin Batman)
Giant Xerexes: Let's go kill those Greeks!
Thee-mis-frigle-chineese: We must unite Greece into one nation against Persia.
Politicians: That won't happen now but will happen later in this movie for dramatic effect.
The-refridgerator-keys: Let's be friends yo!
Hot Queen from 300: NO way, you gay!
One eyed Spartan from 300: Hey guys! We totally love death and killing!
Spartans: A-WOO! A-WOO!
The-mistletoe-freeze: Savage weirdos!
Hot Queen from 300: Get lost, else the plot won't progress. Also, Gerard Butler is totally not in this scene 'cause...he, uh...he's...he's taken the dog for a walk. NOT 'cause he didn't want to do this pointless sequel or anything.
Unknown Director: Yeah! He's like, right around the corner man.
The-not-so-impressed-eese: Isn't this similar to when Leonidas went to the Oracle asking for support and didn't...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.
Spartans: A-WOO! A-WOO!

Some random shit happens and we get the back story of Badass Eva Green and it involves rape, since that is topical I guess. Skipping through all the boring part we get to the main presentation of this movie - 300 at Sea!

Naval Battle #1

Badass Eva Green: Let us underestimate the Athenians and attack.
Persian General #1: Isn't that similar to what Xerexes did in the...oh fuck it! I'll just go and get defeated.
The-democracy-of-sleeves: Let's make random references to the 300 Spartans so as to let the audience know of the chronology, and not 'cause we lack the credibility as a stand alone movie.
Slow motion: (Happens)
Blood: (looks like chocolate milkshake)
Persians: (Dead)
Athenians:  (Not dead)
Soundtrack: (sucks)
Badass Eva Green: You underestimated them you fool, and now you shall pay with your life!
Persian General #2: Isn't this similar to Xerexes being disappointed with his general and punishing them...oh fuck it! I'll glug glug glug...

Naval Battle #2

Badass Eva Green: Your turn!
Persian General #2: Seeing as I'm not a famous actor, I'm guessing we all know what'll happen even though we outnumber the Greeks one gazillion to one.
These-physical-peeves: WAIT! We're not ready for battle!
Athenian Person: I wonder what Leonidas and his 300 are doing?
This-quizzical-weaves: Phew! There we go, now we can fight in slow motion.
More Slow motion: (Happens)
Blood: (looks like crude oil)
Persians: (Dead)
Athenians:  (Not dead)
Soundtrack: (still sucks)

And so, despite being outnumbered and underestimated, the Athenians still won in ways that looks cool on screen yet make no sense when you think about it. Soon enough, Badass Eva Green was desperate.

Badass Eva Green: Come join me! (gets horny and nekkid)
Thermometer-icicles-bees: Isn't this similar to when Xerexes offered Leonidas to join his side and...oh compare it! I'll stop fucking the...uh, whatever...(gets nekkid)

Having less charm and personality than shouty Gerard Butler in 300(which is saying something), our Athenian hero enjoys the sex sans expression and pisses off Badass Eva Green mid-coitus, for some odd reason. Suffice to say, Badass Eva Green is pissed. Most of the audience(the males) leave the theater having seen what they'd come to see, leaving their confused girlfriends.

Naval Battle #3

Badass Eva Green: I. IS. PIZZED.
Persian General #3: It's a good idea that you're covering the Greeks in tar or oil or whatever and then setting them on fire. Come to think of it, why didn't we think of this strategy before?
Unknown Director: Not much slow motion in this battle.
Persian General #3: Understood.
Athenians: (Dead)
Fire: (looks more fake than the blood)
Soundtrack: (do they just have one song in this thing?)
The-receptacle-jeeves: How did I survive despite being five feet away from the epicenter of a huge explosion?
Athenian Person: Your best friend is dead!
Everyone: OH NOES!
Another Athenian Person: The 300 are dead!
Everyone: Oh NOES!
Yet another Athenian Person: Hundreds of Athenians are dead!
Everyone: I guess, that's sad.

Everyone stops playing with ships and retreats, the Athenians and the Persians, 'cause the movie needed to pace itself and require boring talking scenes in between the slow motion fighting scenes.

Theme-is-a-squeeze: Let's be friends yo!
Hot Queen from 300: FUCK OFF! My husband just died and I am sad, though we've repeatedly mentioned that the greatest glory a Spartan can have is death in the battlefield.
Giant Xerexes: Hey, I'm still in this movie.
Badass Eva Green: Enough talk! Let's fight!

Final Naval Battle

Giant Xerexes: We actually do outnumbered them a gazillion to one. Why did we launch our entire CGI navy against three ships? And isn't this similar to...oh fuck it! I'll just be a giant.
Blood: (looks like the smoke monster from Lost)
Thurmostatic-reeves: HORSE!
CGI Horse: Ta da!
Timid-fickle-grease: (plays Grand Theft Auto: Athenia)
Badass Eva Green: We meet again Obi Wan.
Tee-multiplex-eese: Except this time, I shath thrust my sword deep inside ye and...okay, you got the joke, let's fight.

But then, something poetic and subtle happens in this movie. That's right, a movie about excess blood and violence and jokes about masturbation and sex has something subtle and poetic happen.

Zack Snyder: Uh! You're welcome!

All of Greece arrives at the exact same time! Brilliantly coordinated and narrated by Hot Queen from 300. But wait, how can she narrate the event of this movie when she wasn't even present most of the time. Isn't it similar to when One Eyed Spartan leaves the battlefield and still is able to tell the world of the fate of the 300(minus one) Spartans as well as...of fuck it! I'll just...wait, is she still narrating?

Hot Queen in 300: And I jump onto the ship wearing a dress and lead the armada of hundreds of half naked muscle bound men. Yes, I carry nothing but the dress and the sword of my husband and I have the maneuverability and ferocity of these trained for life warriors.
Three-myxlplyx-eese: I'm glad you came, but could you please stop narrating the events of the movie?
Hot Queen in 300: This is the ultimate sign of equality between men and women, as I sever the carotid artery of this random Persian, naively glossing over the parts where the Greeks themselves were as brutal as...
Soundtrack: (they might as well have played Gangam style)
Giant Xerxes: I did 6 hours of make up to stand next to the green screen for five friggin' scenes?!
Hot Queen in 300: ...bodies heap up as a close up shot of the ongoing battle is followed by a fade to black.
Badass Eva Green: Isn't that exactly how 300 ended...oh fuck it! I'll just be dead! (dies)

Zack Snyder: Next time around, we'll have Greeks fight Persians in the air. We'll call it, 300: My ego trilogy!
Unknown Director: Planes weren't invented during that time Sir.
Zack Snyder: SILENCE! I am vengeance! I am the night! I...AM...
Chris Nolan: I'm unfriending you on Facebook.


Meghna Patel, the modi tune and a self parody video

Some things just have to be made fun of. Then there are some things that are making fun of itself to such a level that you need to stand back in awe and grab a brick so that you can bash yourself in the head with it and say "Mynd bloving wonly!"
No, Chetan Bhagat didn't write an open letter to Arvind Kejriwal, I'm talking about the latest exhibitionist attention seeker anti-thesis of women's equality "artist" with a "political" "concern" Meghna Patel (there aren't enough quotation marks for this task). Meghna Patel took a leaf from Poonam Pandey's book and realized that if you need to be famous, you can just strip in public. It's not a popular strategy and it's just crazy enough to work.
She also let every woman in India know that it's not what's in her mind that counts, but what's under her bra that will change the fate of the nation. So she stripped, for India's most eligible bachelor.
But the thing that has brought her to greater heights is the recent music video she made with the 'modi tune' to voo horny Indian men to climax vote for Modi. It worked and I can say I've voted for Modi atleast five times since I saw the video. While I can easily say that the video is the most awesome thing on the internet, it'll be difficult for me to say why exactly. So here's a critical anal-ysis of Meghna Patel's magnum opus (who'll henceforth be referred to as Boobies, since the sheer density of consonants in her name impedes my less patriotic organs from functioning) 

So the video starts with some weird variant of the Surya namaskaaram with two random guys checking out some cleavage and one random guy checking out ass. There is a forth random guy who's checking out the third random guy for some odd reason and Boobies blossoms on screen like the silver coated lotus that she is. This is accompanied in the background with a chant which goes either "namonamonamonamo" or "no more no more no more no more". As though the video read my mind, it answers my question.
Red fort, meet the green screen
So that's who the song is about.
What's with the pose? Did he just toss something over his shoulder in style?
Then the 'song' begins with Boobies looking much more like a porn star than usual. More like an Indian low budget porn star with enough lipstick to send signals to the Andromeda galaxy about intelligent life being absent on earth.

Everything about this image is fake, even the Indian flag in the background was made in China
While Boobies is busy lipsynching to what she obviously though was a very patriotic tune, we are showcased images of famous landmarks in India. Since that's what makes India, old buildings. Even if the entire population was reduced to ashes since Shiva was having a bad hair day, India will prevail on, in the form of buildings.
A message is subliminally hit over our heads in the form of a chant which goes "Vote for Modi". I'm not sure how that's possible as we don't elect a Prime Ministerial candidate, we just vote for the party. Is Boobies suggesting that Modi is synonymous with BJP or vice versa?
The Random guys in the video don't question this logic and are just happy in getting some face time on screen. Next stop, Ram Gopal Varma's movie!

Are you sure there's enough Modi in this screen? I see a lot of white spaces. Hell, give that guy a Modi mask.

That's not how you play rock-paper-scissors!
A major geographical faux pas occurs in the form of the Indian map, which doesn't show:-
  1. Andhra Pradesh split into three states
  2. The Pakistan part of Kashmir
  3. The Chinese part of North East
  4. Lakshwadeep Islands
  5. Andaman and Nicobar Islands 
  6. The statue of Sardar Patel as seen from space
  7. Sonakshi Sinha's forehead as seen from space
I resent that my state was the last to get coloured in this image. Modi doesn't have my best interests in mind.
How about we get to know more about our random guys? I froze the video at one point and tried to figure out who they were as real people from their expressions. I can't say I did a bad job as I'm very good at reading people's minds from their faces.

This is followed by my most favourite part. First, we're shown a montage of all the things wrong in India AKA the not-for-tourism-India commercial AKA Slumdog Millionaire is totally wrong man! I guess Namo will find a solution to these - poverty, famine, over population(take down I guess?), protests, more protests, candles, more candles which is really getting old by now. This is followed by the most EPIC scene where Boobies contracts some eye infection and chest congestion. We see her narrowing her eyes and a heaving chest of, well, guess.

Namo; pointing out the browser close button to you

They put on one more verse of just about the same nonesense so that you can have time to catch your breath after laughing your ass off for the previous shot. Blah blah blah, lame lyrics and other crap and BAM! Wardrobe change.

So she finally manages to NOT look like a porn star.
"Look how modern we are" "Oh wow! As India's youth, I can totally relate to that."
As though we enjoyed that wardrobe change, they hit us with another one. This time around, Boobies is wearing the tradition women's wear of the Muslims, of the 16th century. While Random guy 1 theatrically raises his hands to the air(like he just doesn't care) in the name of Islam while Random guy 4 does a namaste, which I'm guessing is Hinduism. They might as well have had the former be a butcher and the latter look like Tenali Raman.

Towel - check, crucifix - check, turban - check, tilak - check
We're all ready to represent the...WTF IS ON HER DRESS?!

At this point, we, the viewer and she the Boobies, both get tired of this tripe and she excuses herself, probably to touch herself thinking of Namo.

Screw you guy! I'm going home.
While she leaves, we're hit over the head with the message that Namo will no longer kill offend Muslims and that in fact, he LOVES Muslims now, shown by a montage of him hugging and doing other bromance stuff with Islamic leaders. This is when we're introduced to Singer guys 1 and 2(who pretend to sing) and harmonium player guy(who pretends to play the harmonium and is actually bored out of his skull), all of who have weird black birth marks on their forehead. Apparently the budget saved from lack of lyrics, choreography, production wasn't enough to hire ACTUAL Muslims to sing.

Why did I say 'yes' to this?
Random guys one through four are obviously impressed at how badly they're lip syncing to the lyrics and can over act. They comment among themselves this feat. This is good pacing and plot progression on the director's side when they're cutting back to the earlier characters and relating them to the current characters. 

Check out these guy, and we thought we sucked!
Boobies can't stand the attention being grabbed by (bad) Singers and she rushes to the screen and trains the camera onto herself. After all, this is all about her Namo, right?

To celebrate the ending of the video, everyone hugs it out while Boobies dances and cackles like the malicious manipulator that she is.

What're those two on the far right doing?
Finally, FINALLY, we're shown the page long credits, 90% of whom didn't do their jobs right.

Now that I spent to much time with this song, it's stuck in my head for a longer time. All I have to say is this, if you want nudity, get Sunny Leone, she knows what she's doing!

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, watch the below video at your own risk.

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