Think society, think double standards

Well, my Mom isn't as stupid as given below, but there are those out there who are. Consider these hypothetical situations after you're done rolling those indignant eyes.

Stable relationship

Me: Mom, I'm in a stable relationship. She's an MBA graduate working in a multinational company, can cook like a boss and watches Tarantino flicks.

Mom: What religion/caste/ethnicity/skin colour is she?

Me: Uh...the one that you don't like.

Mom: Get married to this girl I picked for you, right now. She has been approved by the people.

Me: But...

Mom: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Several years later...

Mom: Why do you come home late from work?

Me: Oh that? I visit my girl friend every once in a while.

Mom: WHA?! Does your PEOPLE APPROVED wife know?

Me: Of course not, she'd kill me!

Mom: Why would you cheat on her? She's a Literature graduate working in an International School, can bake like a boss and reads Camus.

Me: You've instilled great values in me.

Source: mnn.com

Moral of the story

You are free to pick any item you like, from the list of items given to you by us.

Fate

Mom: Where are you going?

Me: My friend, Atheist, got into an accident.

Mom: That rich spoiled brat? He was probably drinking and driving.

Me: Whatever...they're both admitted to the LootNPillage Hospital.

Mom: They?

Me: Atheist was with Religious, our classmate.

Mom: Looks like it's a bad time for their family. Why don't you pray at the temple for him on your way to the hospital. God works faster than you, you know.

Me: Well, the accident was fast enough.

Source: Free software magazine

Moral of the story

If you disagree with me, you're wrong.

Legalised prostitution (aka Marriage)

Groom's Mom: Now that you're a part of our family, you must call me Mom.

Groom's Dad: And you must call our house, your work place.

Groom: And you have to call yourself Missus Me.

Bride's Dad: Did I just pay for my daughter to not exist anymore?

Bride: Uh, shouldn't you be paying MY Dad for my ownership and my services?

Everyone: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Source: The Telegraph

Moral of the story

Marriage is all about conformity and property ownership. The relationship comes second, or third.

Hotels

Foreign couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: Very welcoming this way saar. We charge in $$$ by the way. Also, mosquitoes are charged, part of the experience.

Indian couple with children: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: You have children so you have the right to judge us.

Indian couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: Are you married or about to be married?

Indian couple: Uh, yes.

Receptionist: I don't believe you, where is your marriage certificate? The police come and check here every night since they have no time to fight crime.

Indian couple: Screw it, we'll have to suffer staying at relatives.

Indian boy and girl: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG and don't know what to do! You bring western ideologies filth into my kul-chaar. Arrest them!

Indian boy and girl: Wha?

Receptionist: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Source: Ruthless Reviews

Moral of the story

If we're oppressed by rules, we'll make new ones so that we can oppress for a change.

Interviews

Candidate #1: Hi, I'm LongHaired CreativeType. Here's my impressive resume.

Oldman Interviewer: I don't like him!

Oldwoman Interviewer: He is already rejected.

Oldman Interviewer: Give him a difficult question.

Oldwoman Interviewer: Finish him!

Oldman Interviewer: How many decibels are present between Earth and Indraprastha?

Candidate #1: Sir, I don't think that's related to NotBoringJob, the one I'm applying for. Also, it doesn't make sense.

Oldman Interviewer: GET OUT! Rascal!

Oldwoman Interviewer: Nyext!

Candidate #2: Much Goodmornings Sir and Lady Sir. I'm SidePartitioned HumanMouse. I walked in here accidentally.

Oldman Interviewer: You're hired!

Source: Houston Press

Moral of the story

The old are wise and we should listen to them forever and ever and ever...

What happens when you close bars in Kerala?

BARS BARRED

BREAKING NEWS! All Bars without the proper hygiene in Kerala have been SHUT DOWN! That's right, there must be cleanliness in those shady shops where we consume liquids injurious to our health but have the ability to kill most bacteria. As the crisis continues(and since the elections are sooo 2014, wait, what year is it?), let's go to the streets to survey the situation.

Crisis Day One

As men gather around the bar, waiting for it to open. But as they wake up the rooster and the sun, they realise, to their horror, that their watering hole is no more.

Random Malayali #1: At first, when I saw the door closed, I thought I was at the wrong place. I was correct, as I was still in my house. Wait, what're you doing in my bathroom?

Random Malayali #2: We've been getting drunk here for generations. Now where will we go to avoid our wives?

Random Malayali #2's son: Yeah! Where will we go?

Random Malayali #2: You drink?!

Random Malayali #2's son: Dude, your wife's a real bitch.

Random Malayali #2: That she is.

Police constable: Sir, maybe it's April 1st?

Police officer: In October?

Police constable: Surprise?!

Police officer: Arrest everyone. Maybe if I beat the shit out of innocents, I'll feel properly lubricated in this shitty world.

But the residents of nearby houses have different opinions.

Aunty #1: Thank God those drunkards are gone!
Aunty #2: Drinking is such a bad habit. It is bad for the children.

Aunty #1: So is domestic abuse.

Aunty #2: Wonder where all those drunkards will go to now?

Door: (knock)(knock)(knock)

Both: Uh-oh! We're married to them.

Door: (bang)(bang)(bang)

Crisis Day Fore

A few of the Malayalis, working in the Gulf countries have arrived back to their homeland for some much needed rest, relaxation and family time.

Gelf Malayali: Screw that shit! I'm here for the booze and the beef!

21 seconds later...

Gelf Malayali: Oh dear god! I had heard it in the news. I didn't know it was true.

Reporter: So will you be returning back to the Gelf...I mean, Gulf?

Gelf Malayali: What's the point? Why should I earn money anymore?

Reporter: Sir, can't you still buy booze off the counter?

Gelf Malayali: And start drinking in front of the wife when sober?

The ripples of the crisis were propagating its way down the ecosystem in other places as well. The 'thattu kadas' were particularly impacted.

Shop owner: Before, the men needed some place to get food after the bars closed at 11. Now that they don't have any place to be so late, my only clients are the new generation kids calling themselves 'freaks'.

Freak #1: Yo dude! Dis #parotta is ossum. Imma #instagram it!

Freak #2: Watz yo place called? I wanna giva rating on my zomato app yo!

Shop owner: Zomato? Is that a vegetable?

Freak #2: Dis place aint on zomato dood!

Freak #1: #EPIC #fail dude! lezz go!

Shop owner: Well, with them gone, I've to close down business as well.

Crisis Day Se7en

We're a week into this crisis. It seems the Malayali men have adapted to the situation.

Random Malayali #1: At first, we were desperate and we brought booze home.

Random Malayali #2: We thought our wives could be reasoned with and the first hour went without incident.

Random Malayali #1: Then we realised that we had no source of 'touchings' but our wives.

Random Malayali #2: Who also had to clean up all the puke...

Random Malayali #1: ...and feed the children...

Random Malayali #2: ...and watch their TV serials...

Random Malayali #1: ...and defend earth from aliens.

Random Malayali #2: So after the first day, every husband was banned from their respective homes.

Random Malayali #1: It's like no one appreciates our hard work.

Yeah, you got the joke. But it was an ingenious young fisherman who came up with the ultimate solution(other than the alcohol).

Random Malayali #1: We take out boats and go get drunk at sea.

Random Malayali #2: We don't know if we're puking from the sea sickness or the drinking anymore.

Random Malayali #1: The boat mafia is gaining power though.

Random Malayali #2: Also, the Italian navy has been gunning down most of the boats.
Random Malayali #1: Is the Government doing anything about that?
Random Malayali #2: Absolutely not.

With a huge number of Malayalis no longer having the will power to return to the Gulf countries, cheap labour is now going to the huge influx of Pakistan migrants who're rushing to fill in the void.

ISI agent: With all the income from the Gulf countries now flowing back into Pakistan, we finally have enough money to fund our nuclear weapons program...uh...I mean...the...um...education for girls program. Yeah, that.

Back in Kerala, the closure of all thattu kadas...

ISI agent: You guys bought that? That was easier than I thought.

...Thattu kadas , the sales of Parotta has plummeted severely. With no longer a market for the road side parotta, jobless activists have taken to the streets to abolish maida altogether.

Jobless activist: We all know maida is harmful to the human body. Now that the Parotta lobby no longer has power over the parliament, we will take the protests to our living rooms and declare a harthal.

Jobful activist: But what will we do sitting home now? All the liquor stores are at sea.

Jobless activist: Well...fuck.

Crisis Day XIII

This is actually very unlucky.

Crisis Day XIV

Better. The population of men in Kerala has been reduced by half due to all the Italian navy murders. The remaining men are locked away in their homes by their wives and mothers. Crime rate is now at zero.

Meanwhile, having toppled the maida industry, the jobless activists are now against every unhealthy food in India. The only food not under the scope are the vegetables from Tamil Nadu.

Jobless activist: Everyone knows that maida is used to make the adhesive glue for posters in Kerala.

Reporter: (slap)

Jobless activist: DAFAQ!

Reporter: Cooked rice is also an adhesive. GOD! I just hate you self righteous know-it-alls spreading old wives tales. Has anyone checked the internet for this?

Jobful activist: The internet says maida is harmful for your body.

Reporter: Oh...well, the internet can never be wrong. Vegetables it is then.

Due to the excess of imported vegetables from Tamil Nadu, ties between the two states have been strained and the much larger state has demanded all the water of Kerala as compensation for there being no more vegetables left in Tamil Nadu.

28 days later 

After a diet of nothing but healthy vegetables, Malayalis are declared the healthiest creatures on the planet. Since the men can't go out of their houses to kill and eat animals, the herbivores of Kerala have started multiplying.

Having no one to kill, the Italian navy have started doing their job and have begun eliminating the pirates of the Indian ocean.

Meanwhile, the abundance of water has lead the Tamil population to make a startling discovery.

Random Tamilian #1: I started after we stole the monsoon clouds from Kerala. This made sure that we'll be able to take baths every day. After a couple of days we began to notice...changes.
Reporter: What sort of changes?
Random Tamilian #2: Our skin colour wasn't dark like how everyone made fun of us. We are actually very light skinned.
Random Tamilian #1: Also, we used to think daily head baths are for Malayalis. But now, we notice that our original hair colour is blonde.
Random Tamilian #2: And our eyes are blue. Which is something we just noticed. It doesn't have anything to go with the daily bathing.
Reporter: So what have to you...
Random Tamilian #1: EHRE DEM VATER!
Random Tamilian #2: EHRE DEM MEISTER-RENNEN!

Reporter: Well, that escalated rather quickly.

Go check out google translate. You can't expect us to do all your work for you, lazy slob!

Crisis Day 42

All the Malayalis from around the world have flocked back to the home land due to its perfect existence. Due to this, the literacy rate increased to 800% in Kerala, somehow. In a combined effort, Malayalis have discovered the meaning to life, the universe and everything.

Crisis Day 69

We couldn't resist. The economies of all states in India have been decimated because of the lack of Malayali bakeries or tea stalls or shawarma restaurants. Also, the onslaught of cows from Kerala have begun to take over Southern India.

In this moment of weakness, The "People's" "Republic" of China has declared war against India and has taken over the NE states, which no one notices.

Chinese General: We Chinese are all assholes and we like taking over things. It's to compensate for our tiny manhoods.

Having destroyed all the pirates in the world, the Italian Navy take over all the seas.

Crisis Day One Hundred

Pakistan has finally completed its nuclear IBM. Without any warning, the missile is launched. The missile fails to take off and detonates in Pakistan. The Pakistani high command blames India for the nuclear attack which the Indian Government condones. The US gives Pakistan a lot of money to recover and proceeds to attack the Italian navy while crying "Freedom!" at the top of their lungs.

Facing imminent defeat at the hands of the Chinese, the Indian army deploys the two master races present into the war zone. The Tamil refuse since they declare their state autonomous. Malayalis refuse since it's a sunday. The cows refuse since they're cows.

While the wars wage on, all the methane created by the army of cows start to heat up the atmosphere which ignites when a passing meteorite shower shoots debris into out atmosphere.

Life on Earth, has been completed eradicated from the resulting fire.

That's why you don't shut down bars in Kerala.

Fin 

Two German girls versus Indian men

2 countries, now in bookstores near you

These are actual events which happened when two German girls, Ollie and Sophie, had come down to India for a month long stay. They stayed at my place for a weekend, which is when they shared these stories about the creepy Indian men. I'm deliberately leaving out the locations so as to not sound prejudiced towards any geography.

Prologue: Mr.Beard and his elbow

Upon entry into this country of mystique and adventures, our heroines retire at a hostel. Not being one to be un-savvy in the form of internet communication, Ollie borrows the hostel owner's laptop and begins to google about the Kamasutra.

Along comes Mr.Beard. Mr.Beard had a beard. He also had two arms, each equipped with one elbow. Mr.Beard and his arms settle right next to Ollie for no specific reason what so ever. Ollie smiled at him since she was polite.

Mr.Beard, whips out his elbow and begins rubbing it against Ollies arm to generate static electricity through friction. He realized that his other arm was free and felt sad for the lonely little hand. So he decided to transfer the gained static electricity to his crotch by completing the circuit. Ollie was confused with the experiment and asked Mr.Beard to explain it to her, since she's a girl and doesn't understand science. Mr.Beard was generating far too much electricity to explain to laymen about his experiment and continued in the name of progress and science.

Ollie, being polite, didn't want to hurt Mr.Beard's feelings and ever so politely told him that she's leaving. Mr.Beard, being the politer one, stopped his experiment and offered to leave himself to conduct further experiments with his lightning rod. Ollie was amused.
Mr.Beard later popped out of a cupboard under the stairs fanning himself and being fully contempt.

The lifeguard who wanted chaat

Ollie and Sophie check into another sea side location. They meet a friendly lifeguard. A life guard usually runs in slow motion and saves people from drowning. It was night and the life guard didn't have anyone to save as everyone had already drowned. Instead the life guard was talking to Ollie and Sophie. He seemed like a really nice guy, and all the married women know that when he seems like a nice guy, he really isn't.
Ollie and Sophie didn't know any Hindi, so they were confused when the lifeguard switched to Hindi and asked them if they'd like to eat chaat. Ollie and Sophie knew what chaat was and they'd read from their guides to India that it must be tried. Their excitement and anticipation was met with even more Hindi and even more mentions of 'chaat'.
It then occurred to our travelers that it's too late in the night for any establishment to be selling chaat. When asking the lifeguard about where they would get the chaat, he mistook the question as to how. How what? Well, how to 'chaat'.
He demonstrated by miming eating an ice cream cone. Little did they know that chaat wasn't being used as a noun, but as a verb. Getting the gist of the situation and the lifeguard's request, Ollie and Sophie leave the vicinity to go back to their rooms having not eaten chaat.

Intermission

When Ollie had met one of my friends, she'd asked the cliched question of how she finds India. Ollie replied with "How is India for a woman?". I knew where this was going and changed the flow. She later told me at some point "I used to complain about Germany, but now after coming to India, Germany's not so bad".

A travel companion

Ollie took the bus and was feeling rather lonely sitting in the back seat. The dilemma was that no one who has any idea of how buses function in India would sit in the back seats. But Ollie had a huge backpack which she couldn't leave anywhere else.

Enter the Hero, to save Ollie from her loneliness. The Hero had good English, much like Ollie and hence could communicate well with her. Ollie was happy to finally have someone to talk to and not just stare at her.

Hero asked her where she was from and she told him that she was from Germany. Hero asked her where she was off to and she told him that she was traveling to Cochin. Hero asked her how long she was in India and she told him that she'll be around for a total of one month. Hero asked her whether she would like to fuck him and she told him that he should go sit somewhere else.

It's still not sure if it was Ollie's politeness or the fact that she actually looked like she can take him on, but Hero left so as to provide another lonely traveler with his company. Ollie spent the rest of the journey to Cochin without fretting the fact that no one was sitting next to her.

Temple run (Best story)

Sophie traveled to a small town and went to check out the local temple. She met many other travelers in the town where she stayed who warned her about the guy who stares at women in the temple. Having dealt with several of them before, Sophie confidently marches into the temple.

In the corner, sat the man in question. Much like what they'd already told her, he was staring at her intently. Much like they hadn't told her, he was masturbating, also intently.

Having seen such a scene for the first time, Sophie had no idea as to how she should react. So she picked up the nearest stones and began to pelt the intent little man. When that didn't help to shoo him away, she decided to approach a person of authority, a tactic which has thus far proven spectacularly ineffective in India.

She was trying to communicate to the temple poojari of the incident and he either pretended to not comprehend or didn't. Then Sophie, who's English isn't bad at all, happens to mention the word 'penis'. The poojari immediately blows up in a mixture of embarrassment and indignation. He frantically motions Sophie to make herself scarce so that he can get back to doing poojari things, evidently activities not dealing with the male genitalia.

To this day, Temple Boy lurks the darker corners of the religious establishment, as though forming a metaphor, ready to pounce on the next hapless non-penis bearer.

Telecommunications

Ollie's last few days in India and she needs to recharge her mobile with some talktime. She finds her way into a local recharge shop which was a bit too crowded, like any place in India. While the people were staring at Ollie, like they always do, there was one younger guy among them who was exceptionally well at staring. After having left the shop, the teenager started following her.

Having been followed and stared at for all the trip, Ollie didn't pay any attention tot he kid till he appears right in front of her and asks "I want you number." Ollie, still being the polite person she is, tells him her and asks for his in order to start a civil conversation. Number boy would have none of it.

After repeated demands for her phone number, he switches tactics and starts off with "Pleeeease give me your number" to which the polite Ollie replies that she can't give her number to someone who is a stranger. Several pleas later, she bids him a courteous goodbye and leaves.

Later, she runs into him again at the mall where he triumphantly announces that he has her number. Though taken aback slightly, Ollie still is still cordial with the boy and tells him that it is rather creepy, a word completely lost on the youth.

At the end of the day, she receives several missed calls and messages that just say "hi". And then she left India that night.

Rather anti-climatic when one thinks about it.

Epilogue: Back in Germany

Once back in Germany, Ollie messages me on FB saying that she'd met a group of (probably) drunken idiots who invite her for some mating rituals of their own and her statement verbatim is "...and that reminded me of you.".

Yes, she looks back fondly at the her trip and remembers the desperate men and their pathetic attempts to make contact in the only form that they know. Thanks to their actions, my memory has taken a much less precedence.

Thank you conservative patriarchal society! I hope a meteor collides with us.

PS: I go forth to dedicating this post to a recent reader I'd met who'd gotten me a couple of opportunities in the real world(and not the blogosphere). Knowing that someone actually reads your blog on date makes you want to update it on time, every time.

A real movie

Our weekly post is interrupted by bringing you what constitutes a real movie...

No hype

No marketing

No pretense

No illusion

No facade

No drama

No melodrama

No primary antagonist

No secondary antagonist

No caricatures

No side kick

No comic relief

No cartoons

No song sequence

No love arc

No forced chemistry

No begging for sympathy

No begging for attention

No intro shot

No intro song

No hero shot

No slow motion

No loudness

No brashness

No cliches

(Alright, just a couple of cliches)

No big deal

No agenda

No product placement

No travel brochure

No pretentiousness

No judgments

No pseudo social commentary

No shackles

No fingers pointed
No hands raised

No review

No sarcasm

No objective view

No dissection

No Freddy Mercury

No sadness

No regret

Watch.

Stay tuned for regular programming, resuming tomorrow.

Meghna Patel, the modi tune and a self parody video

Some things just have to be made fun of. Then there are some things that are making fun of itself to such a level that you need to stand back in awe and grab a brick so that you can bash yourself in the head with it and say "Mynd bloving wonly!"

No, Chetan Bhagat didn't write an open letter to Arvind Kejriwal, I'm talking about the latest exhibitionist attention seeker anti-thesis of women's equality "artist" with a "political" "concern" Meghna Patel (there aren't enough quotation marks for this task). Meghna Patel took a leaf from Poonam Pandey's book and realized that if you need to be famous, you can just strip in public. It's not a popular strategy and it's just crazy enough to work.
She also let every woman in India know that it's not what's in her mind that counts, but what's under her bra that will change the fate of the nation. So she stripped, for India's most eligible bachelor.
But the thing that has brought her to greater heights is the recent music video she made with the 'modi tune' to voo horny Indian men to climax vote for Modi. It worked and I can say I've voted for Modi atleast five times since I saw the video. While I can easily say that the video is the most awesome thing on the internet, it'll be difficult for me to say why exactly. So here's a critical anal-ysis of Meghna Patel's magnum opus (who'll henceforth be referred to as Boobies, since the sheer density of consonants in her name impedes my less patriotic organs from functioning) 

So the video starts with some weird variant of the Surya namaskaaram with two random guys checking out some cleavage and one random guy checking out ass. There is a forth random guy who's checking out the third random guy for some odd reason and Boobies blossoms on screen like the silver coated lotus that she is. This is accompanied in the background with a chant which goes either "namonamonamonamo" or "no more no more no more no more". As though the video read my mind, it answers my question.

Red fort, meet the green screen

So that's who the song is about.
What's with the pose? Did he just toss something over his shoulder in style?

Then the 'song' begins with Boobies looking much more like a porn star than usual. More like an Indian low budget porn star with enough lipstick to send signals to the Andromeda galaxy about intelligent life being absent on earth.

Everything about this image is fake, even the Indian flag in the background was made in China

While Boobies is busy lipsynching to what she obviously though was a very patriotic tune, we are showcased images of famous landmarks in India. Since that's what makes India, old buildings. Even if the entire population was reduced to ashes since Shiva was having a bad hair day, India will prevail on, in the form of buildings.

A message is subliminally hit over our heads in the form of a chant which goes "Vote for Modi". I'm not sure how that's possible as we don't elect a Prime Ministerial candidate, we just vote for the party. Is Boobies suggesting that Modi is synonymous with BJP or vice versa?
The Random guys in the video don't question this logic and are just happy in getting some face time on screen. Next stop, Ram Gopal Varma's movie!

Are you sure there's enough Modi in this screen? I see a lot of white spaces. Hell, give that guy a Modi mask.

That's not how you play rock-paper-scissors!

A major geographical faux pas occurs in the form of the Indian map, which doesn't show:-

1. Andhra Pradesh split into three states
2. The Pakistan part of Kashmir
3. The Chinese part of North East
4. Lakshwadeep Islands
5. Andaman and Nicobar Islands 
6. The statue of Sardar Patel as seen from space
7. Sonakshi Sinha's forehead as seen from space

I resent that my state was the last to get coloured in this image. Modi doesn't have my best interests in mind.

How about we get to know more about our random guys? I froze the video at one point and tried to figure out who they were as real people from their expressions. I can't say I did a bad job as I'm very good at reading people's minds from their faces.

This is followed by my most favourite part. First, we're shown a montage of all the things wrong in India AKA the not-for-tourism-India commercial AKA Slumdog Millionaire is totally wrong man! I guess Namo will find a solution to these - poverty, famine, over population(take down bharathmatrimony.com I guess?), protests, more protests, candles, more candles which is really getting old by now. This is followed by the most EPIC scene where Boobies contracts some eye infection and chest congestion. We see her narrowing her eyes and a heaving chest of, well, guess.

EPIC!

Namo; pointing out the browser close button to you

They put on one more verse of just about the same nonesense so that you can have time to catch your breath after laughing your ass off for the previous shot. Blah blah blah, lame lyrics and other crap and BAM! Wardrobe change.

So she finally manages to NOT look like a porn star.
"Look how modern we are" "Oh wow! As India's youth, I can totally relate to that."

As though we enjoyed that wardrobe change, they hit us with another one. This time around, Boobies is wearing the tradition women's wear of the Muslims, of the 16th century. While Random guy 1 theatrically raises his hands to the air(like he just doesn't care) in the name of Islam while Random guy 4 does a namaste, which I'm guessing is Hinduism. They might as well have had the former be a butcher and the latter look like Tenali Raman.

Towel - check, crucifix - check, turban - check, tilak - check
We're all ready to represent the...WTF IS ON HER DRESS?!

At this point, we, the viewer and she the Boobies, both get tired of this tripe and she excuses herself, probably to touch herself thinking of Namo.

Screw you guy! I'm going home.

While she leaves, we're hit over the head with the message that Namo will no longer kill offend Muslims and that in fact, he LOVES Muslims now, shown by a montage of him hugging and doing other bromance stuff with Islamic leaders. This is when we're introduced to Singer guys 1 and 2(who pretend to sing) and harmonium player guy(who pretends to play the harmonium and is actually bored out of his skull), all of who have weird black birth marks on their forehead. Apparently the budget saved from lack of lyrics, choreography, production wasn't enough to hire ACTUAL Muslims to sing.

YAWN!

Why did I say 'yes' to this?

Random guys one through four are obviously impressed at how badly they're lip syncing to the lyrics and can over act. They comment among themselves this feat. This is good pacing and plot progression on the director's side when they're cutting back to the earlier characters and relating them to the current characters. 

Check out these guy, and we thought we sucked!

Boobies can't stand the attention being grabbed by (bad) Singers and she rushes to the screen and trains the camera onto herself. After all, this is all about her Namo, right?

To celebrate the ending of the video, everyone hugs it out while Boobies dances and cackles like the malicious manipulator that she is.

What're those two on the far right doing?

Finally, FINALLY, we're shown the page long credits, 90% of whom didn't do their jobs right.

Now that I spent to much time with this song, it's stuck in my head for a longer time. All I have to say is this, if you want nudity, get Sunny Leone, she knows what she's doing!

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, watch the below video at your own risk.

Dear Crazy Aunty, why you no let me marry daughter?

GF's Crazy Mom; as she appeared in Godzilla vs Space Godzilla(1994)
Image courtesy Wikizilla

Being Indians, we've all had our love stories, here's the tale of how my Girlfriend was promoted to something greater and how my life changed forever.

The setting

Me: Mom, Dad, I love this girl.

Mom: NO!

Me: But why...

Dad: Lower caste, NO!

Me: But I...

Both: NO!

Me: ....okay....

Several months later,

Me: Mom...

Mom: NO!

Me: Fine! I shall go to her house directly and ask her Dad for her hand in marriage.

Mom: Yeah right!

The Intros

Me: Lovelorn boyfriend and seeker of marriage. In want of the girl who will understand my eccentricities...oh, wait, I'm not rich...my insanity and my inability to take a bath. I'm like, so dark and brooding and misunderstood.

Batman: Ahem!

Me: Moving along.

GF: Exasperated girlfriend and uber-seeker of marriage. I want a guy who won't ask me for my gmail and Facebook password and will not ask me to quit my job. Why won't his parents accept me?

Uncle: Boy's best friend's Dad and negotiator extraordinaire. I'm just helping out as it's more interesting than my day job.

Army Sir: GF's Dad and traveler of the world. I want the best for my daughter and I won't force anything upon her.

Crazy Mother: GF's Mom and sentimental psycho. She can't do this! What'll people think?

Let's get to it!

At GF's house one fine Sunday...

Me: SURPRISE!

Uncle: We come in peace.

Crazy Mother: OH SHIT!...(runs away)...

Me: Oooo...kaaay...I guess they didn't expect it?

Army Sir: Hello young man! Hello Sir! Please, do come in!

Army Sir: So, how about some Tea and small talk?

Uncle: Great.

12 minutes later...

Me: Well, we've exhausted every topic in the world.

Me: Thank god tea is here!

Crazy Mother: Why! Why! Why do you pursue my daughter?...(twitch) (twitch) ..

Me: Say wha?

Crazy Mother: If you turn a blind eye, we can all play happily...forever...and ever...and ever....

Me: Thanks...for...the tea...heh...

Army Sir: Is the tea too hot for you?

Crazy Mother: HAH! He can't even drink hot tea! What'll people think?

Me: Actually, I'm just petrified.

Army Sir: So then, let's get down to business.

Me: Let me elucidate as to why I'm awesome for your daughter. Point number one, I've started saving up for the security deposit of a flat to rent out in Bangalore. Point number two...

45 minutes later...

Me:...and that's how I split the atom.

Army Sir: Impressive!

Crazy Mother: I wake up at 2AM in the mourning to pray in the pooja room.

Me: You're still here? I mean...uh...how's that related to anything?

Uncle: His parents won't agree to the marriage.

Crazy Mother: What'll people think?

Me: A wedding is a one day event. A marriage is a lifetime choice....

37 minutes later...

Me:...and that is why I choose to be with your daughter.

Crazy Mother: Why can't you two just be friends?

Me: MOTHER FU...

Uncle: I think it'll be better if we ask her opinion. Where is she?

GF: Hi!

Crazy Mother: GO BACK INSIDE THIS INSTANT!

GF: Bye!

Uncle: What do you think Sir?

Army Sir: I think this young man is is pretty adept. He does make quite good points.

FLASHBACK

Me: I work in IT.

Army Sir: Splendid!

Me: In Bangalore.

Army Sir: Marvelous!

END FLASHBACK

Crazy Mother: But what'll people think?

Army Sir: You too raise valid points honey.

Me: Clearly the military didn't issue the pants you needed to wear at home.

Uncle: But what do you wish for, dear?

GF: I wish to marry him...

Me: YAY!

GF: ...but...

Me: Wait, wha? 'But'? Anything that came before a 'but' is now negated!

Crazy Mother: Tell them you will listen to us and marry the guy we pick for you!

GF: ...

Uncle: Girls these days, they get a taste of the outside world and they can't have enough of it.

Crazy Mother: I don't like it! I liked the old way when the women worked in the kitchen.

Me: Did she just set women back a couple of decades?

Uncle: What will your opinion be if she wants to marry him?

Army Sir: I guess I'll have to look after the happiness of my daughter.

Crazy Mother: But. What. Will. People. Think. Question. Mark.

Army Sir: You raise a valid point honey.

Crazy Mother: Tell them, tell them you worry about what people think. Tell them that you want nothing more than our happiness, tell them how people will gossip about you if you don't listen to us.

Uncle: I feel you're trying to force your opinions on her madam.

Crazy Mother: She's just a kid!

Me: Who oddly must be married off right away.

Uncle: Well, I'll give you folks time to decide, we're off. Think well before making your decision dear.

Me: Finally...I mean, goodbye.

Denouement

1 hour later...

Uncle: That went well. Good that we came.

Me: At least now the decision lies on her and not psycho serial prayer Mom.

My Phone: Buzz! Buzz!

Me: Hello?

GF: I decided to marry the guy who my parents pick for me, bye.

Me: MOTHER FU...

And that kids, is the true story of how the GF became the Ex-GF and married some guy within a month, while I got back into blogging, traveled to Vietnam with the money saved and became a Stand up comedian. Happy endings anyone?

Epilogue

Fraand: Dude, your Ex-GF had called. Asking me to tell you to not send her emails or Facebook messages.

Me: Why would she tell you that?

Fraand: Her husband has her Email and Facebook passwords.

Me: POETIC JUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCEEEEEEEE!!!

Fin

This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai. Go here and like the page if you think Crazy Mom's condition was serious.