Chetan Bhagat at it again!

So here's what Chetan Bhagat had to say on the ever of his first film, where he was a 'screen writer', getting released.

Obviously, the news channels fell in love with him and so did his fans. Since I was already in love with him, I thought I'd write something as a homage to the great man's great greatness.

I'd like to thank this guy from the IBNlive website which ran the story, for his comment which gave me the idea. Thank you roadhound.

Bollywood cliches that must stop

Before I start ranting, I must note to one and all that I AM aware that every other film industry, especially Hollywood, employs the use to cliches in lieu of intelligent screenwriting as well. If your first reaction to the below cliches is "then tell us Hollywud also use clinches no?", kindly go punch yourself in the groin till your respective Bollywood idol walks up to you and tells you to stop.

So let's crack on, shall we?

The choreographed dance sequence

Yes, this is a cliche. I know songs are put in movies to make extra money, but they are all now generic, lacking substance and easily digestible by all. So is baby food.
Once in a while you have the dream sequence and/or the making of a music video excuse to crow bar in a song or two(the latter a brilliant example of coordination as the entire song is taken in a single take). In any other case, it's just down right annoying to have the continuity broken by some dancing and singing to as to keep those people who hate all the talking, entertained and interested.

The club scene

The most common excuse for a song sequence these days is the club scene. Although this is as close to reality as the Lock Ness monster.

What Bollywood tells us that happens in clubs
Source: tr3s.com

What actually happens in clubs
Source: Deccan Chronicle archives

If you want to do a music release of the movies and have more cash to stuff into your mattress, I suggest you make it subtle and play it over a montage or something. If you make the characters dance and sing like a bunch of circus animals, I'm going to assume you're an idiot and hate all your future releases.

Everyone sings

Who the hell is playing the background music? And how can they hear anything being on a train?
Source: Bollywood Eye

Let us assume that the participants have been meeting over the weekends to practice the moves for the dance and make it seem impromptu. What about the singing?
All those songs and I didn't see one instance of someone busting out their Bose speakers for background music. Do they live in a reality where they all can simultaneously hear karaoke music in their heads or do they just sing without music?

The Action sequence

Phuck Physics

Seat belts save lives...oh wait.
Source: Heavy.com

ZOMG! That's so mind blowing that my mind is blown wonly. The epitome of what Bollywood would do to garner cheap applause while keeping the audience dumb enough for the next movie which divorces itself from physics. 

And you make fun of Rajini Kanth, hypocrites!

Unlimited stamina!

The hurdles leg of the Bollywood Ironman challenge
Source: dooleyonline.com

Next time you see a chase scene in the movie, time it and try running at your top speed for the same amount of time. If you succeed, congrats! You're really in shape. In most cases, it'll bring you to the stark reality of having to run for your life without getting tired AT ALL!

What's their secret? Gatorade? The star from Mario? Multiple takes? Unless the characters involved in the chase are established as long distance runners, I'm not buying this.

The script

I know the script is the least funded element of the movie, as opposed to the main actors' ego. After a while, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

Character arc - The Male

There are only two character transformations for a male protagonist. The most popular being turning from demi god to god status. Most of this doesn't involve using the brain in any which way. Thus giving the message to children out there that any problem can be solved by punching it away. This most definitely won't lead to a violent generation of men. But smoking is totally fatal yo!

All this and I'm just being god human
Source: movietalkies.com

The more recent character arc which is unfortunately the coming of age saga where a boy(read: Ranbir Kapoor) starts his journey as a happy person and ends up being married and shit. Why can't the person show responsibility by paying his taxes or helping his Mom do the dishes or something?

Coming of age movie?
Source: One India wallpapers

Character arc - The Female

There are only two ways a female protagonist can evolve her character. One is the common nerd to fun loving type, aka, she let her hair down and took off her glasses female character arc.

Sources: Rediff.com and missmalini.com

Another is the Slut whore bitch to Indian woman metamorphosis. The Slut whore bitch creature would include characteristics like drinking, smoking, wearing clothes burnt by Gandhi and bringing attention to herself. The Indian woman would mostly stand in """traditional""" Indian wear(there aren't enough "s) while folding her hands over her crotch, you know, since the opposing team is about to take a free kick.

Now there's a shy Indian women dressed traditionally and conservatively (till nightfall)
Source: Hot actress photos (Apparently)

Where are your parents?

No seriously, where are they in most of these stories? Do you know how weird that would be in real life?

How I met your mother, but both if us don't exist
Source: Apne.tv

The actors

'Super' 'stars'

I'm tired of these mudda fuggin' stars in these mudda fuggin' movies! We get it, you're a big star, everyone loves you. You don't have to slyly refer to the fact in your movies. The fact that you still are making movies should be enough for someone sans inferiority complex.

So enough of the references towards older and more credible movies, hero shots, protracted intro shots, 100 feet tall bill boards and temples. You made money off of us, you made decent movies, you aren't a bad human being(well, some of you). Now go make headlines by having a spectacular death and being immortalized for the same.

At the end of the day, it's the fault of the 'fans' for injecting so much of self obsession into their 'idols'. Did you know that those rich people wouldn't look in your direction even if you threw yourself at them naked?

Ya ya, you love me, I'm awesome. Now talk to the hand
Source: wn.com

Younger roles

If Leo Dicaprio can't do it, then you probably shouldn't either. The term 'suspension of disbelief'  is already proverbially stretched thin as it is. Please spare us of your delusional ego trip where you get surgery and you'll live for a couple of more decades or so.

Source: Imdb.com

The movie

Sequels and remakes

Remember back when trilogies were good? Me neither.
Source: The Indian Express archives

The ultimate evidence that we, as a country, are henceforth artistically bankrupt. That and the fact that we haven't put down Uday Chopra. It also proves that we've reached the pinnacle of going the safe way, ie, reusing tried and tested formula over and over again. But what do those discussions in those boardrooms go like?

"I got it! I have a fresh idea. We can make a movie about...pants!"

"Pants?"

"Everyone wears pants. It's topical!"

"You sure about this?"

"Nah, let's remake/make a sequel to Zanjeer."

"Right, borrow credibility when we have none."

Ripping off Hollywood

This happened? How desperate can you be fools?
Source: itimes.com

Despite all the criticism towards Hollywood and hatred towards the 'aping the west' concept, Bollywood seems to love the idea. When not making sequels and remakes of older, better Bollywood movies, producers now seem to think it's good idea to make unauthorized remakes of older better Hollywood movies.

At this point, we all know it's no longer about the creativity and originality as we get one of those types per year. By repeatedly feeding the audience dribble, it has become the standard, which, by any perspective, is currently cub par.

How's this for a fresh idea - If you don't have any idea as to what to make for your next movie, go home and not spend your money.

Can you think of anymore movie cliches floating around(or flowering up) these days. I'd like to make a video of these things.

The syllabus of life

1. Birth: Commonly known as the number one cause of death. Once propelled to this existence, there is little that is comprehensible about it. The entire concept was not within your control and your ability to have any control of the life that follows depends on your ability to communicate, which is rather difficult since the concept of communication is one of the things that is incomprehensible. Through no fault of your own, you're already hated by a larger part of the population due to aspects you had absolutely no control over and can't change as long as you exist. One's best bet, if one were to survive this stage, is the intelligence level of those who spawned the person.
2. School: The show box demo program used to condition the participants into the ideal survivors in the real world whilst simulating none of the characteristics themselves. The conductors of this institution of mass hypnosis and conveyor belt factory are burdened with the task of removing any blemish from the unwilling products, whether they cause any damage or advantage. Authority is imposed, whether it remains corrupt or otherwise, in a manner such that the limitations of thought is enforced for the remainder of the existence. This stage will yield the perfect robot, one which looks and thinks like every other future cog in the machine based on narrow criteria laid out by those requiring cogs for their machines.
3. College: The glorified version of school where one needs to specialize on one's ability for the rest of one's life. While selecting a suitable curriculum is indeed a difficult task, it has to be done by someone who still hasn't grown into adulthood nor has any experience with the real world so as to take all that into thought. In most cases, most of the decisions are already laid out in the simple Yes or No format, with each answer creating a tangent from the decision maker's former life. Any and all knowledge acquired will hardly be used later in life. Every experience will shape the individual permanently.
4. Job: The end result of the pointless competition and yard stick measurements, is to obtain the ability to slowly kill one's brain cells over five days consecutively so that they can be killed off much faster over the course of the next two days in an assortment of ways. This stage brings death closer to the person, not due to the physical or mental damage imposed, but due to the warped perspective of time. The person now tries to survive nearly 70 percent of the their time so as to find solace in the remainder of the 30 percent of the time. On fear of the 30 percent time running out soon due to excessive rest periods and self indulgence, the overall time spent would seem lesser in hindsight while stretched out when happening. The stigma of obtaining a job that would benefit oneself rather than the machine can be dealt in outdated ideologies of success and procuring a life partner.
5. Marriage: Conveyed as the ultimate reason for one's existence so as to remove any remaining semblance of individuality due to new found responsibility and life style adjustments. Portrayed as the finish of the race the person has been running till this point of their lives, it can easily be made mandatory via threats of a sad and lonely existence to trivial back up plans of future ailments and difficulties. Unlike the previous institutions, this brain washing occurs in a more subtle and thus substantial manner. As before, the choices dealt, for someone who elects to invest in this scheme are once again limited to one's performances in the previous stages. The best bet is the intelligence level of those who spawned you, though they themselves are crippled in their freedom due to unknown reasons.
6. Children: If forced undergo the legal prostitution process, within time, one will have to indulge the voices of the machine into furthering the species. Once again, the brain washing occurs in a subtle manner whilst being portrayed as the ultimate stage of human development. This is the final stage to ensure complete and utter obedience to the system by removing all stains of individual radiance by shifting focus unto another, much more vulnerable life form. Once this stage is survived, including repeated progeny as per mass instruction, the individual will indeed gain the ultimate form of no longer being an individual, but rather an absolute part of the membrane that leverages on it's sheer size to as to ensconce all of the harsh reality by creating a prison state. As an added advantage, offspring are also the best retirement plans as the machine and the membrane, though omnipresent, are entirely unreliable and unconditionally selfish in their agenda.
7. Retirement: An otherwise uneventful point in one's life where the machine deems the person as no longer with the ability to self repair to as to keep it running. Continuing to survive till the last stage depends on the investments one made across all the previous stages with special weightage for the last few stages. The complete serenity and freedom which one has always wished for is finally obtained, although several years of mental conditioning has left one impaired to enjoy it.
8. Death: The best possible way to slowly peter out of existence without causing much ripples. The point where one is showered generously with praises and becomes accepted in the hearts and minds of all unanimously due to the irreversibility of the process. The ultimate acceptance which one always yearned for is finally achieved albeit at the cost of one's permanent absence from all festivities.

PS: This post is dedicated to you. That's right, YOU. If you've chanced upon this blog, then I'm safe to assume that you have a idea about the syllabus of life and have sometimes even made attempts to escape it. Here's wishing the both of us luck and the hope that in the meantime, I can at least entertain you. Cheers!

A real movie

Our weekly post is interrupted by bringing you what constitutes a real movie...

No hype

No marketing

No pretense

No illusion

No facade

No drama

No melodrama

No primary antagonist

No secondary antagonist

No caricatures

No side kick

No comic relief

No cartoons

No song sequence

No love arc

No forced chemistry

No begging for sympathy

No begging for attention

No intro shot

No intro song

No hero shot

No slow motion

No loudness

No brashness

No cliches

(Alright, just a couple of cliches)

No big deal

No agenda

No product placement

No travel brochure

No pretentiousness

No judgments

No pseudo social commentary

No shackles

No fingers pointed
No hands raised

No review

No sarcasm

No objective view

No dissection

No Freddy Mercury

No sadness

No regret

Watch.

Stay tuned for regular programming, resuming tomorrow.

300: Rise of an Empire in a nutshell

We're coming in live from Rio, where the fans have gathered for 2014 FIFA World Cup

So picking up just after the events of 300, actually, way before 300 but also while 300 is happening and after...you know what? Forget it!

A long time ago in ancient Eurasia, there was a great Athenian warrior named Thamisstiklees...uh, Thurmyzticeles...The-mystical-eves? Just go check out IMDB. So Tea-Miss-Tickle-seas kills an invading Persian king in slow motion.

Themus-tea-cleaves: With crystal clear clarity in the midst what seemed like of a heavy battle 5 seconds ago.

Blood: (looks more fake than 300)

Normal Xerexes: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You have killed my father, prepare to die!

Persian King: This is a good time to introduce Badass Eva Green, the main antagonist of the movie.

Everyone in the audience knows that someone will have sex with Basass Eva Green at some point in this movie.

Badass Eva Green: You will walk half naked into the desert without an aim.

Normal Xerexes: Isn't this similar to Leonidas training in the wilderness with...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.

So Normal Xerexes walks into a random cave aimlessly and submerges into the septic tank of the weird leper magician people in the cave. In an instance of Zack Snyder nonsense, he emerges as Giant Xerexes from 300, complete with piercings and make up. It makes no sense but sure as hell looks cool!

Zack Snyder: Now don't forget, lots of blood.

Unknown Director: You got it.

Zack Snyder: (flies off to ruin Batman)
Giant Xerexes: Let's go kill those Greeks!

Thee-mis-frigle-chineese: We must unite Greece into one nation against Persia.

Politicians: That won't happen now but will happen later in this movie for dramatic effect.

The-refridgerator-keys: Let's be friends yo!

Hot Queen from 300: NO way, you gay!

One eyed Spartan from 300: Hey guys! We totally love death and killing!

Spartans: A-WOO! A-WOO!

The-mistletoe-freeze: Savage weirdos!

Hot Queen from 300: Get lost, else the plot won't progress. Also, Gerard Butler is totally not in this scene 'cause...he, uh...he's...he's taken the dog for a walk. NOT 'cause he didn't want to do this pointless sequel or anything.

Unknown Director: Yeah! He's like, right around the corner man.

The-not-so-impressed-eese: Isn't this similar to when Leonidas went to the Oracle asking for support and didn't...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.

Spartans: A-WOO! A-WOO!

Some random shit happens and we get the back story of Badass Eva Green and it involves rape, since that is topical I guess. Skipping through all the boring part we get to the main presentation of this movie - 300 at Sea!

Naval Battle #1

Badass Eva Green: Let us underestimate the Athenians and attack.

Persian General #1: Isn't that similar to what Xerexes did in the...oh fuck it! I'll just go and get defeated.

The-democracy-of-sleeves: Let's make random references to the 300 Spartans so as to let the audience know of the chronology, and not 'cause we lack the credibility as a stand alone movie.

Slow motion: (Happens)

Blood: (looks like chocolate milkshake)

Persians: (Dead)

Athenians:  (Not dead)

Soundtrack: (sucks)

Badass Eva Green: You underestimated them you fool, and now you shall pay with your life!

Persian General #2: Isn't this similar to Xerexes being disappointed with his general and punishing them...oh fuck it! I'll glug glug glug...

Naval Battle #2

Badass Eva Green: Your turn!

Persian General #2: Seeing as I'm not a famous actor, I'm guessing we all know what'll happen even though we outnumber the Greeks one gazillion to one.

These-physical-peeves: WAIT! We're not ready for battle!

Athenian Person: I wonder what Leonidas and his 300 are doing?

This-quizzical-weaves: Phew! There we go, now we can fight in slow motion.

More Slow motion: (Happens)

Blood: (looks like crude oil)
Persians: (Dead)
Athenians:  (Not dead)
Soundtrack: (still sucks)

And so, despite being outnumbered and underestimated, the Athenians still won in ways that looks cool on screen yet make no sense when you think about it. Soon enough, Badass Eva Green was desperate.

Badass Eva Green: Come join me! (gets horny and nekkid)

Thermometer-icicles-bees: Isn't this similar to when Xerexes offered Leonidas to join his side and...oh compare it! I'll stop fucking the...uh, whatever...(gets nekkid)

Having less charm and personality than shouty Gerard Butler in 300(which is saying something), our Athenian hero enjoys the sex sans expression and pisses off Badass Eva Green mid-coitus, for some odd reason. Suffice to say, Badass Eva Green is pissed. Most of the audience(the males) leave the theater having seen what they'd come to see, leaving their confused girlfriends.

Naval Battle #3

Badass Eva Green: I. IS. PIZZED.

Persian General #3: It's a good idea that you're covering the Greeks in tar or oil or whatever and then setting them on fire. Come to think of it, why didn't we think of this strategy before?

Unknown Director: Not much slow motion in this battle.

Persian General #3: Understood.

Athenians: (Dead)

Fire: (looks more fake than the blood)

Soundtrack: (do they just have one song in this thing?)

The-receptacle-jeeves: How did I survive despite being five feet away from the epicenter of a huge explosion?

Athenian Person: Your best friend is dead!

Everyone: OH NOES!

Another Athenian Person: The 300 are dead!

Everyone: Oh NOES!

Yet another Athenian Person: Hundreds of Athenians are dead!

Everyone: I guess, that's sad.

Everyone stops playing with ships and retreats, the Athenians and the Persians, 'cause the movie needed to pace itself and require boring talking scenes in between the slow motion fighting scenes.

Theme-is-a-squeeze: Let's be friends yo!

Hot Queen from 300: FUCK OFF! My husband just died and I am sad, though we've repeatedly mentioned that the greatest glory a Spartan can have is death in the battlefield.

Giant Xerexes: Hey, I'm still in this movie.

Badass Eva Green: Enough talk! Let's fight!

Final Naval Battle

Giant Xerexes: We actually do outnumbered them a gazillion to one. Why did we launch our entire CGI navy against three ships? And isn't this similar to...oh fuck it! I'll just be a giant.

Blood: (looks like the smoke monster from Lost)

Thurmostatic-reeves: HORSE!

CGI Horse: Ta da!

Timid-fickle-grease: (plays Grand Theft Auto: Athenia)

Badass Eva Green: We meet again Obi Wan.

Tee-multiplex-eese: Except this time, I shath thrust my sword deep inside ye and...okay, you got the joke, let's fight.

But then, something poetic and subtle happens in this movie. That's right, a movie about excess blood and violence and jokes about masturbation and sex has something subtle and poetic happen.

Zack Snyder: Uh! You're welcome!

All of Greece arrives at the exact same time! Brilliantly coordinated and narrated by Hot Queen from 300. But wait, how can she narrate the event of this movie when she wasn't even present most of the time. Isn't it similar to when One Eyed Spartan leaves the battlefield and still is able to tell the world of the fate of the 300(minus one) Spartans as well as...of fuck it! I'll just...wait, is she still narrating?

Hot Queen in 300: And I jump onto the ship wearing a dress and lead the armada of hundreds of half naked muscle bound men. Yes, I carry nothing but the dress and the sword of my husband and I have the maneuverability and ferocity of these trained for life warriors.

Three-myxlplyx-eese: I'm glad you came, but could you please stop narrating the events of the movie?

Hot Queen in 300: This is the ultimate sign of equality between men and women, as I sever the carotid artery of this random Persian, naively glossing over the parts where the Greeks themselves were as brutal as...

Soundtrack: (they might as well have played Gangam style)

Giant Xerxes: I did 6 hours of make up to stand next to the green screen for five friggin' scenes?!

Hot Queen in 300: ...bodies heap up as a close up shot of the ongoing battle is followed by a fade to black.

Badass Eva Green: Isn't that exactly how 300 ended...oh fuck it! I'll just be dead! (dies)

Zack Snyder: Next time around, we'll have Greeks fight Persians in the air. We'll call it, 300: My ego trilogy!

Unknown Director: Planes weren't invented during that time Sir.

Zack Snyder: SILENCE! I am vengeance! I am the night! I...AM...

Chris Nolan: I'm unfriending you on Facebook.

Fin

Meghna Patel, the modi tune and a self parody video

Some things just have to be made fun of. Then there are some things that are making fun of itself to such a level that you need to stand back in awe and grab a brick so that you can bash yourself in the head with it and say "Mynd bloving wonly!"

No, Chetan Bhagat didn't write an open letter to Arvind Kejriwal, I'm talking about the latest exhibitionist attention seeker anti-thesis of women's equality "artist" with a "political" "concern" Meghna Patel (there aren't enough quotation marks for this task). Meghna Patel took a leaf from Poonam Pandey's book and realized that if you need to be famous, you can just strip in public. It's not a popular strategy and it's just crazy enough to work.
She also let every woman in India know that it's not what's in her mind that counts, but what's under her bra that will change the fate of the nation. So she stripped, for India's most eligible bachelor.
But the thing that has brought her to greater heights is the recent music video she made with the 'modi tune' to voo horny Indian men to climax vote for Modi. It worked and I can say I've voted for Modi atleast five times since I saw the video. While I can easily say that the video is the most awesome thing on the internet, it'll be difficult for me to say why exactly. So here's a critical anal-ysis of Meghna Patel's magnum opus (who'll henceforth be referred to as Boobies, since the sheer density of consonants in her name impedes my less patriotic organs from functioning) 

So the video starts with some weird variant of the Surya namaskaaram with two random guys checking out some cleavage and one random guy checking out ass. There is a forth random guy who's checking out the third random guy for some odd reason and Boobies blossoms on screen like the silver coated lotus that she is. This is accompanied in the background with a chant which goes either "namonamonamonamo" or "no more no more no more no more". As though the video read my mind, it answers my question.

Red fort, meet the green screen

So that's who the song is about.
What's with the pose? Did he just toss something over his shoulder in style?

Then the 'song' begins with Boobies looking much more like a porn star than usual. More like an Indian low budget porn star with enough lipstick to send signals to the Andromeda galaxy about intelligent life being absent on earth.

Everything about this image is fake, even the Indian flag in the background was made in China

While Boobies is busy lipsynching to what she obviously though was a very patriotic tune, we are showcased images of famous landmarks in India. Since that's what makes India, old buildings. Even if the entire population was reduced to ashes since Shiva was having a bad hair day, India will prevail on, in the form of buildings.

A message is subliminally hit over our heads in the form of a chant which goes "Vote for Modi". I'm not sure how that's possible as we don't elect a Prime Ministerial candidate, we just vote for the party. Is Boobies suggesting that Modi is synonymous with BJP or vice versa?
The Random guys in the video don't question this logic and are just happy in getting some face time on screen. Next stop, Ram Gopal Varma's movie!

Are you sure there's enough Modi in this screen? I see a lot of white spaces. Hell, give that guy a Modi mask.

That's not how you play rock-paper-scissors!

A major geographical faux pas occurs in the form of the Indian map, which doesn't show:-

1. Andhra Pradesh split into three states
2. The Pakistan part of Kashmir
3. The Chinese part of North East
4. Lakshwadeep Islands
5. Andaman and Nicobar Islands 
6. The statue of Sardar Patel as seen from space
7. Sonakshi Sinha's forehead as seen from space

I resent that my state was the last to get coloured in this image. Modi doesn't have my best interests in mind.

How about we get to know more about our random guys? I froze the video at one point and tried to figure out who they were as real people from their expressions. I can't say I did a bad job as I'm very good at reading people's minds from their faces.

This is followed by my most favourite part. First, we're shown a montage of all the things wrong in India AKA the not-for-tourism-India commercial AKA Slumdog Millionaire is totally wrong man! I guess Namo will find a solution to these - poverty, famine, over population(take down bharathmatrimony.com I guess?), protests, more protests, candles, more candles which is really getting old by now. This is followed by the most EPIC scene where Boobies contracts some eye infection and chest congestion. We see her narrowing her eyes and a heaving chest of, well, guess.

EPIC!

Namo; pointing out the browser close button to you

They put on one more verse of just about the same nonesense so that you can have time to catch your breath after laughing your ass off for the previous shot. Blah blah blah, lame lyrics and other crap and BAM! Wardrobe change.

So she finally manages to NOT look like a porn star.
"Look how modern we are" "Oh wow! As India's youth, I can totally relate to that."

As though we enjoyed that wardrobe change, they hit us with another one. This time around, Boobies is wearing the tradition women's wear of the Muslims, of the 16th century. While Random guy 1 theatrically raises his hands to the air(like he just doesn't care) in the name of Islam while Random guy 4 does a namaste, which I'm guessing is Hinduism. They might as well have had the former be a butcher and the latter look like Tenali Raman.

Towel - check, crucifix - check, turban - check, tilak - check
We're all ready to represent the...WTF IS ON HER DRESS?!

At this point, we, the viewer and she the Boobies, both get tired of this tripe and she excuses herself, probably to touch herself thinking of Namo.

Screw you guy! I'm going home.

While she leaves, we're hit over the head with the message that Namo will no longer kill offend Muslims and that in fact, he LOVES Muslims now, shown by a montage of him hugging and doing other bromance stuff with Islamic leaders. This is when we're introduced to Singer guys 1 and 2(who pretend to sing) and harmonium player guy(who pretends to play the harmonium and is actually bored out of his skull), all of who have weird black birth marks on their forehead. Apparently the budget saved from lack of lyrics, choreography, production wasn't enough to hire ACTUAL Muslims to sing.

YAWN!

Why did I say 'yes' to this?

Random guys one through four are obviously impressed at how badly they're lip syncing to the lyrics and can over act. They comment among themselves this feat. This is good pacing and plot progression on the director's side when they're cutting back to the earlier characters and relating them to the current characters. 

Check out these guy, and we thought we sucked!

Boobies can't stand the attention being grabbed by (bad) Singers and she rushes to the screen and trains the camera onto herself. After all, this is all about her Namo, right?

To celebrate the ending of the video, everyone hugs it out while Boobies dances and cackles like the malicious manipulator that she is.

What're those two on the far right doing?

Finally, FINALLY, we're shown the page long credits, 90% of whom didn't do their jobs right.

Now that I spent to much time with this song, it's stuck in my head for a longer time. All I have to say is this, if you want nudity, get Sunny Leone, she knows what she's doing!

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, watch the below video at your own risk.

Top 5 awesome trailers to upcoming Hollywood movies

The criteria is as simple as, this list includes only movies that'll be releasing in 2014(will be, not already has). The movie itself might present a disappointment and you'll avoid it like bitcoin, BUT the trailer was awesome. If you don't find your favourite upcoming movie on this list, well, I'm sorry they didn't make an awesome trailer for it. Now quit your whining and let's get to it!

#5: Transformers 4: Age of Extinction

The only thing unique about Michael Bay's 'magnum opus' were the robots fighting each other and incomprehensibly filmed. After Pacific Rim(2013), we had a new movie to see giant robots punching giant monsters in the face. What is Bay going film in between his explosions now? How can he make Optimus Prime look cooler? I know! First get rid of Shia thebeef(AKA Bad acting) and insert a swrod and shield and a giant mudda fugging metal Tyrannosaurus Rex with horns! Also, Megatron finally turns into a gun, finally. Will this movie lack plot, acting, sense and leadership. Who cares? Optimus mofo Prime, with a mofo sword and shield riding a mofo metal T-Rex with horns. (although in the original canon, Grimlock, the leader of the Dinobots is too proud of an asshole to let anyone ride him)

#4: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

The first trailer revealed the dark history behind Peter Parker's father. While the idea was pretty much 'meh' like the previous movie, it was the second trailer labled 'Enemies Unite' that really gave us something to wait for. I wasn't too keen on watching Electro or The Green Goblin(totally rebooted and shit) on screen, but the trailer shows a Spidey fan boi(stalker?) who is disappointed in a way only fan bois can be disappointed. Watch the trailer, the scene when the newly turned Electro realises that Spidey treats him as random citizen #376 is not something that can be easily be showcased in a movie, let alone a trailer. The second awesome thing about this trailer? RHINO! The guy from the comics looks like an inflatable toy, but here, he's a guy in a mech-suit with a friggin horn. I'm sure he's using the horn for important stuff and it wasn't show horned in there to force the nickname. A cookie for those who find a Doc Ock easter egg. Looking forward for the baddies - Jamie Foxx, Paul Giamatti and some random kid as the new Green Goblin. It's not like there was a sucky Spidey movie stuffed with 3 villains out there. Is there?

#3: Guardians of the Galaxy

I refuse to jump onto the band wagon where people are talking about them being 'ardent fans' of this obscure team of superhero (misfits?) and that Marvel is finally paying tribute. Screw you posers! All I knew was, there was a squirrel in the team. It was a raccoon, voiced by Bradley Cooper. Wait, who? Now I have to check this movie out. Vin Diesel is a tree thing, interesting. Zoe Saldana now plays a GREEN alien, naice. But I was still largely indifferent till I saw the trailer.

The main aspect being the general lackadaisical tone the trailer has along with the ever so catchy 'Hooked on a Feeling' popularised by the iconic 'Ooga-jaaga' chanting, that first tickles you and then gets you pumped up for...Was that friggin' Batista??!! HOLY SHIT! Imma go memorize every bit of Guardians trivia from wikipedia now.

#2: X-Men: Days of Future Past

After the atrocious X-Men 3 and the lukewarm Wolverine, it's about time to give this franchise a rest and bank on the Avengers. Yes? No? Well, then, I guess if you can somehow bring Professor X back from the dead and somehow make a movie with both Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen duo meet up with James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender's pair from the past. Also, bring sentinals into the mix. Can you do that? What? You can make Peter Dinklage play Bolivar Trask, the inventor of the sentinals? That sounds pretty amazing! The only thing remaining is a trailer with emotion, angst and two Professor Xs on screen talking face to face.

In case you didn't get the hint, click on video below and know the difference between a generic trailer and a trailer which uses music, epic lines and correct pacing.

Honourable mentions

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Apes in war paint, apocalypse, Gary Oldman, and little to no idea of what the plot will explore. Tingles the mind in excitement, especially after watching what they did with the last of this rebooted series(including a Mission to Mars easter egg)

Interstellar

As always, leave it to Chris Nolan to release a trailer which reveals nothing of the movie, keeps people guessing and finally making pay dirt by delivering an awesome movie which we will discuss, commemorate, parody and love unconditionally. Also, Oscar winner, Matthew McConaughey narrating, somehow worked.

#1: GODZILLA

THE KING OF MONSTERS IS BACK in one of the best trailers I've ever seen in recent times. The iconic Inception BWAAA sound comes to play here as we get Brayn Cranston doing his Heisenberg voice about "what's coming". I liked how the trailer showcased the minute detail of nuclear testing in the Pacific(the origin of the fake American Godzilla from that movie) and retold it in a different way, as though subtly giving the last (attempt at) a remake a middle finger. 

The plot isn't revealed much, except that this might be the largest Godzilla onscreen so far and that there are non-Godzilla monsters in this movie. (swoons). What packs the trailer off into epic territory is the montage of death and destruction towards the end, where the crescendo is the Godzilla roar(genius!) and the last shot being a small glimpse of the King himself. I can't wait till May!