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My Oscar predictions and why

Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave

Why? Come on! It'll be controversial to NOT give this movie the Oscar. After going through all the trouble of depicting racism and slavery to it's fullest(by a black director, mind you) America's guilty conscience will have no choice but to give a toothy smile, sweat a lot and hand over the Oscar, under the ever watchful gaze of the Department of Cultural guilt. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, it'll probably affect me more than I could think of when I do watch it. I just hate America for being the richest country via slavery and then being kinda guilty(but not really) now.

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Best Director: Steve McQueen

Why? The man does have talent in doing a long single take sans the background score and hardly any noise. He makes us focus on the actors and the actors alone and brings out the best in the them for his shot, sometimes without any dialogues as well. That being said, the critics go moist for any movie he makes giving it adjectives such as 'Powerful' and other synonyms. I just hate the critics who react the same way to something by Steve McQueen or any drab indie director making a tedious film. Damn hipsters!

Who I want to win - Alfonso Cuaron: Gravity might not be the perfect movie(troupes such as George Clooney stars as George Clooney) but it is the perfectly directed film. I just feel like an asshole for not liking the movie more. But the Danny Boyle-esque human drama kinda got in the way some of the time(some, not all). Alfonso Cuaron has shown what he can make with the weakest of the Harry Potter saga and he sure has hell made the best use of 3D(AKA the 10% extra cash gimmick). Are they going to Scorsese him and give him an Oscar 30 years from now?

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Best Actor: Not Leonardo DiCaprio

Why? Like hell if I'd know. Probably he's a descendant of a Nazi party supporting family and none of the elitist Jews who run Hollywood want to give him any form of glory.

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Best Actress: Cate Blanchett

Why? Watch Blue Jasmine and find out. Simply put, after Emma Thompson's Mrs. PL Travers in Saving Mr.Banks, this is the only other female protagonist I started out not liking at the start but later came to care for. It might just be Woody Allen's script, but it's probably Cate Blanchett.

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Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto

Why? Jared Leto plays a Transgender woman in the movie Dallas Buyers Club. I haven't even seen the movie and from the trailers alone, I knew this guy hit gold with this performance. Firstly, it didn't look or sound like Jared Leto at all. The last I remember of this guy, he was shirtless and getting his face punched in by Edward Norton. Came a long way, man.

Who I want to win: Jonah Hill - The guy deserves it for his role. He was every bit as integral to the movie as Martin Scorsese and the script. He was funny and serious with his raspy voice and rich fat persona and I'm pretty sure most of his lines were ad libbed, especially the scene at the parking lot where the co-actor's annoyed reaction seemed legit.

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Best Supporting Actress: I haven't a clue

Who I want to win: Jennifer Lawrence - Who wouldn't want Katniss to win?

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Best Writing - Original screenplay: American Hustle / Blue Jasmine

Why? Having 'critically acclaimed' directors linked to these movies(David O Russel and Woody Allen respectively) would help their chances. Maybe the Academy wouldn't want to bank on the pedophile suspect Woody Allen and give the award to the absolutely over blown American Hustle. Maybe, they want to show their support to a fellow artist and give Mr. Allen the nod. Then again, those turkey buzzards tend to not be inclined that way.

Who I want to win: Her - Man and computer fall in love, how can such a clichéd sci-fi story with the least exciting sci-fi mundane plot be interesting? Spike Jonze tells us how. While some what a satire on man's over dependence on technology, it also tells a love story which I appreciated. And I don't appreciate love stories, seriously, I don't. Not even James Cameron love stories.

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Best Writing - Adapted screenplay: 12 Years a Slave

Why? Same reason as before. The movie is adapted from the book written by Solomon Northup and based on the true events of his life. Those cringe worthy scenes are not even fictional real, they're actual events. Giving 12 Years an Oscar would once again be a nod towards the life and hardships of Solomon and the guilt thing

Who I want to win: Wolf of Wall Street - Come on! It was the best script of the year easily. The dialogues are great, the story line is great, the narrative is great, the tone is great and everything is so great! In an interview with script writer Terence Winter who said he wanted to capture the humourous and witty tone with which Jordan Belfort wrote his book. And that he did.

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Best Sound Editing: Gravity

Why? One of the first things I noticed about Gravity was how the sound was really authentic(read: of poor quality). Then Sandra Bullock's character handles tools in the opening sequence and we hear what she's hearing, ie, the sound which reverberates through her suit and arm. Everything else, the dead silence of space and the occasional crackling of radio with George Clooney or Ed Harris talking.

***

Best Sound Mixing: Inside Llewyn Davis

Why? Listening to those songs in the movie made me feel like I'm there, live! As much as that sounds like a hackney film critic, it is also the truth. While you can choose to snooze during the songs, I felt they were the best parts of an otherwise tedious indie movie. Fine, well made tedious indie movie. Case in point, the last few minutes of the movie had a quartet perform at a café. They sounded more real than reality. Moments later, a gawky youth walks on stage with a guitar and harmonica. I failed to notice this moment, but when started singing I was like "Bob Dylan! That's Bob Dylan!". Recognition via sound alone shows something.

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Best Production Design: American Hustle

Why? As I said before, it's an overblown movie that is still good. Since there are no dramas set in the Elizabethan era(or Eye-raq) this year, the Academy would have no choice but to give the award to the movie that closely resembles a period piece.

Who I want to win: Gravity - Apparently the tools and equipment used in the movie are the latest as per the testimony of an astronaut. Yes, I read that somewhere off the internet. No, I don't remember where it was. Yes, I think Gravity deserves an award more than American Hustle.

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Best Cinematography: Gravity

Why? Dude, have you even seen the movie?

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Best Makeup and Hairstyling : Dallas Buyers Club

Why? Have you seen Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto in the movie? Also, they're against movies like Jackass (yeah right the elitists will pick that one) and the insufferably bad Lone Ranger.

Who I want to win: Jackass presents Bad Grandpa - The entire movie premise is about a guy wearing Grandpa make up and pranking people without a script. It's not like a movie where there is already a suspension of disbelief since it's on the silver screen. In this case the makeup ACTUALLY has to fool people in real life from a few feet away. If the Academy were a bunch of cool people(like acknowledging The Dark Knight), they'd give it to this well deserving movie.

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Best Costume design: 12 Years a Slave

Why? Arbitrary guess. Unless they want to make China feel represented in which case it would be the Grandmaster. Or they can have a chance here to commemorate a proper 'drama' and give it to The Invisible Woman. I don't really care.

***

Best Film Editing: Gravity

Why? DUDE! HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE? Just go to YouTube and search for 'Gravity Tracking shot'.

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Best Visual Effects: Gravity

Why? Is there anything in the movie that is real other than the actors? It seemed like the entire movie was made with green screen(kinda like the Star Wars prequels) and filled with breath taking visuals(kinda like the Star Wars prequels) and made us hooked for the entire duration of the movie without questioning the movie (completely unlike the Star Wars prequels). Also, why isn't Pacific Rim in this list? WTF elitists?!

Who I want to win: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - BEST. DRAGON. EVER.

A brusque history of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana

Images courtesy Wikipedia

Long ago, before pepper spray was invented...

5th century AD, near the Krishna river...

Vishnukundina king: So Telugu is henceforth our official language.

People: Telugu, got it!

Vishnukundina king: Now don't go fighting with others over that fact, okay?

People: How can we? We're predominantly Buddhists.

Ghost of Gauthama Buddha past: Make nirvana, not war. (smokes weed)

Vishnukundina king: Fair point, anything else needs to be changed?

People: How about the stupid name of your dynasty?

Vishnukundina king: What?

People: What?

14th century AD, Telangana and Rayalaseema regions...

Tuglaq dynasty: Wazza bitches!

Rayalaseema People: Whoa! You guys are like, totally changing our dialect and shit. We can't...

Telenganites: Wait, with all the Persian influences, we talk different from you folks near the costal regions.

Coastal folks: 'Talk differently'.

Rayalaseema People: Can we kill them?

Tuglaq dynasty: Invasions are always fun!

17th century AD, Deccan plains...

Aurangzeb: They sure are!

People: Oh my god! They killed Telugu!

Costal folks: You bastards!

People: Let's put our dialects aside and join forces to vanquish...

Aurangzeb: Biriyani anyone?

Biriyani: (looks delicious)

People: HELL YEAH!

Paradise hotel: Let's patent this sonuvabitch!

18th century AD, Hyderabad...

Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, Mughal Inc. is done for. What now? How will we obtain the required financial resources to go on frivolous hunting trips and pose sideways for portraits now?

East India Company: Perhaps we could be of some assistance, chaps. Would you mind renting out this little stretch of land here?

Nizam of Hyderabad: Sold! Don't be late on your rent.

East India Company: Jolly good! Anything else while we're here?

Nizam of Hyderabad: You mind keeping these barbarians out of our hunting grounds?

Hyder Ali: Watcha gonna go brother? When these rockets run wild on you?

Peshwa of Maratha Empire: Let me at em! Let me at em! Hinduuuuu

poweeeerr!

Nizam's older brother: Hey bro! Let me in. I won't rip your head off and claim Dad's throne. I promise! (crosses fingers)

East India Company: You savages make it too easy!

19th century AD, England...

Queen: I now declare these areas of this map, the Madras Presidency. Roll call. Rayalaseema?

Rayalaseema People: Here!

Queen: Coastal Andhra regions?

Coastal folks: Here!

Queen: Anyone who talks Tamil?

Modern day(but not really) Tamil Nadu: Here!

Queen: Malabar Kerala?

Malayalis: As long as no one calls us Madarasis two hundred years from now...I mean, here!

Nizam of Hyderabad: Please do take care of my lands, regards, the World's Richest man, the owner of a mere 2% of planet's GDP, a real...

Queen: Silence puppet!

Nizam of Hyderabad: Yes ma'am!

20th century AD, Indian Independence struggle...

Nehru: We're free! We're free!

Gandhiji: Ram ram (dead).

Nizam of Hyderabad: I get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!

Nehru: You're surrounded by India on all sides.

Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, I still get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!

Nehru: Let me rephrase, you're surrounded by Indian TROOPS on all sides.

Nizam of Hyderabad: I still get to...okay, you win.

1952-53 AD, India...

Potti Sreeramulu: In the interest of the Telugu people, the Telugu culture and the overall Teluguness of things, I demand a separate state for Telugu people.

Nehru: WTF DUDE! We're India now. Why're you trying to break us apart especially after we just broke apart.

Jinnah: Woo! Look at all these fertile lands Gandhi gave me!

Potti Sreeramulu: No dice! Telugu land now or I diet till death.

Nehru: Why you no listen man? We were Salt Satyagraha buddies and everything.

Potti Sreeramulu: Not. Swallowing. Anything.

Nehru: Fine! See if I care, you wanted Madras as your capital. The city is outside of your territory genius.

Potti Sreeramulu: (dead)

Nehru: .......fuck!

People: Oh-Em-GEE! We're so affected by this, we're gonna break stuff!

Nehru: FINE! Every language gets states. Rayalaseema, Coastal regions, you shall henceforth be Andhra state. Now STFU and be Telugu to your heart's content.

1956 AD, Hyderabad...

Hyderabad: Hey guys, can I also play?
Andhra state: Dude, do you even Telugu?
Hyderabad: For tots guys, for tots!
Andhra state: Yeah, we'll take just that part I guess.
Hyderabad: YAY! But what of the left overs?
Telangana: Wait, what?
Andhra ~~State~~ Pradesh: Give the non-Telugu scraps to them.
Karnataka: I feel like we're getting a shitty deal here.
Maharashtra: Chillax dude, at least we ain't East Pakistan.
Not yet Bangladesh: I hate everyone so much!

1969 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: Um, guys...could we...get some water?
Andhra Pradesh: Shhh! We're watching Aradhana...ahem...in Telugu subtitles.

1985 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telengana: Okay, this sucks. Can you please...stop hogging all the water?
Andhra Pradesh: zzzzzzz....

2004 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: SCREW THIS SHIT! We want our own room and Hyderabad!

2009 AD, India...
Government: Hmmm, 42 seats? Yeah, I guess.
Telangana: Woo hoo!
Andhra Pradesh: Whoa whoa whoa, not woo hoo!

2013 AD, some IT company...
Andhrite: You know, these Telangana people are only good for eating and fucking. Hyderabad is our baby. Why should we give it to them?
Skeptic: Are you sure?
Andhrite: YOU BLASPHEME! You're a supporter of the anti-christ Kejriwal, aren't you.
Skeptic: Anarchist.
Andhrite: I won't hand over Hyderabad to you or Telangana. It has IMax!
Skeptic: (sigh)

2014 AD, Delhi...
Government: So Telangana's happening y'all.
Pepper spray Gopal: Over my can's dead nozzle!
Skeptic: (deeper sigh)

2020 AD, some other IT company...
APJ: Why isn't India a super power yet?
Cyberabadite: You know, these Secunderabad people are only good for eating and fucking.
Skeptic: (deepest sigh)

Fin

Valentine's 2014: A guide for him and her

Men's guide

Step 1: Grooming - Be a Modi fan boi

Source: The Wall Street Journal India blog; oddly under the article of the NaMo smart, the Modi phone

Nothing says sexy than everyone's favourite right wing Gujarati dictator...uh, I mean...Future Prime Minister. Slather your Facebook wall with NaMoness by sharing World War II style propaganda posters and go insult any secular/congress/intellectual/leftist/firang/clean shaven bastard who disagrees with you. Before you want to be the sex magnet all women desire, make sure you lose these relatively useless features...

Sense of humour

Affinity for facts

Patience

Logic

The probability that you will finally land a girl will be increased ten fold, just like the progress of Gujarat over the last 7 minutes.

Step 2: Flirting - Be a witty and charming stalker

Source: Bangalore wishesh; List of Shah Rukh Khan's most romantic songs

They've banned smoking in movies, which means that it's wrong and we don't know any better. But they haven't banned stalking, which means that it's A-OK!

No one likes a creepy and uninteresting stalker. You need to impress her with your personality. If you haven't landed a girl automatically with your all mighty NaMoness(how yaar? Stupid wonly those girls!), you'll need to take the initiative and go out there to hunt your female.

I encourage being proactive over reactive. Let me explain...

Reactive: Jump in the path of the girl of your desires and 'propose her'. She will be shocked on seeing you for the first time in her life and run away. Silence is the biggest invitation of them all. Proceed to follow her from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. The feeling of being watched and touched inappropriately all the time will be too much for her and she'll want more. BAM! WIFE!
Proactive: Proceed to follow the girl of your desires from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. BAM! WIFE!

Caution: Make sure your fingertips are as witty and charming as your facebook profile. Else she'll fall for someone who is touching her more than you are.

Step 3: Courting - 'NO' is spelt 'R-A-P-E'

Even they're asking for it
Source: Some website

This is merely a bonus step for those who are still unlucky to hear 'no' from the lips of your beloved future slave. Who knows, maybe she's into the corruption of science and openness and all. But we shouldn't waste time moping around being normal, we should go out there and avenge our egos with our holy swords of justice.

Just one poke and she'll be ejected from her family, her house, her school/college/job, her society and her book club. With nowhere to go, she'll come running to and fall at your feet asking for forgiveness. Feel free to let her be on the ground as long as you wish while your ego recovers the earlier rejection.

Once your benevolence finally gets aroused, proceed to pick her up, take her home and proceed to do onto her what got her in this place already. Why? All that running and falling down probably killed off your baby, so time to make a new one.

Tip: If she says 'yes' , do it. If she says 'no', she is shy wonly, so do it.

Women's guide

Step 1: Grooming - Let's put a smile on that face

Kakihara, a character from the Manga Ichi the Killer; obviously happy about his make over
Source: Silent Hill community forum

You wheatish ugly woman! Who will ever marry you? That's right, marriage, the only thing you're good for. Actually, pregnancy is the only thing you're good for. Do you look good? Of course you don't. Let's modify your natural appearance!

These are the things you need to change about you before you can even hope for a guy to notice you...

Skin colour
Lip shape(refer Koffee with Karan for ideas)
Nose shape
Eyes size(big is good)
Ear shape
Facial hair
Armpit hair
Leg hair
Hip size(big is baby bearing good)
Bust size(big is ~~hubby~~ baby feeding good)
Stomach size
Finger size
Toe size
Nail colour
Personality
Attitude
Everything
Everything
Everything

Step 2: Flirting - Be traditional

Source: Hindu Janajagruti Samiti website; under the section - Awakening of Rightousness...wait, is she a firang?

No one likes a modern woman. Full time bad lady wonly she, all drinking winking reading weading working shorking! Chee! Go home and start cooking you dirty girl!

When you meet him, remember to join your hands together and bend over such that the top of your head touches the ground he walks on. This will give him the confidence to impregnate you later on. Make sure you look him only in the eye and mustache. If his eyes wander all over you, take it as a compliment and commence to write the sanskit verses of the Rig Veda with your big toe.

Next, serve him tea while he tells you about what it's like to go outside the house and see the sky. Tell him about your aspirations to give birth to all 8 of his children or die trying.
Seal the deal by covering your face with the pallu of your saree and fluttering your eye lashes at him while your parents barter with his parents on how much they should sell you for. You go girl!

Step 3: Courting - Marriage or death!

Hindujagruti.org - Brilliant satire or men with erectile dysfunction?

For those who don't know, the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti, the protector of all things hindu and bharath, successfully got an 'anti-national' play cancelled. This play was Ali J by Evam.

Now the supposed reason for Ali J being anti-national were(as per the Jagruti website)...

One character is arrested for his involvement in Godhra arson case and has been sentenced to death punishment. - Holy shit! That's so offensive. That person should've been put in prison and fed biriyani.

This play has background of creation of Bharat – Pakistan and Ali J is fighting for Bharati. - He should've been supporting Chennai Superkings.

So-called innocent Muslim youth are going towards terrorism for injustice done to them. - by so-called hindu so-called youth.

Mohan is a character shown as a staunch Hindu. - Mohan needs a bath.

Hindus took revenge on hundreds of Muslims at Godhra. - Written and Directed by Quetin Tarantino.

One Hindu raped a Muslim woman and has been arrested for the said offence. - NO WAI!

Mohan marries Bharati; but Ali J is responsible for illegitimate child of Bharati which means that Bharati has been raped. - Sex within marriage can't be rape, but sex outside of marriage is definitely rape, GOT IT!

Muslim prisoners are treated inhumanly in Indian prisons. - Youth and women and RTI!

Apart from these, I have a few points as to why the play is anti-national as well...

The Director and performer, Karthik Kumar, normally wears a T-Shirt, a jacket and a pair of jeans. This is completely against our culture and he must apologize to all Indians.
The name of the play isn't "Jai Hanuman". For this Evam must apologize to all Hindus.
'Evam' is a Sanskrit word, but 'Entertainment' is an English word. This unholy alliance of the corrupt west is denigrating our sacred most language of rishis and tarzan. Evam Entertainment must be thrown in prison for this.

The above persecution complex and indignity I've displayed isn't my own, it permeated through my skull from the website itself. Let's take a look at the website and some examples.

Nina Paley's 'Sita Sings the blues'

Nothing says communal pissing match better than this. Job well done 'Editor'.

Valentine's day

Who needs bullet points when we have arrow tipped sperms to convey arbitrary points?

Current events

It takes a special skill to insult a political party, homosexuality, secularism, progress and your own scriptures all in one go.

If you agree with the above points, please do go visit the website for a chuckle or two. If you think it makes no sense and it's just religious bullcrap, then apologize to the hindus, NOW!

Also, protest against non-Hinduism by watching Ali J FOR FREE on YouTube by watching the hell outta it and then being pissed off and the non hinduismistics.

Jai Hind?

Avial @ Chennai August 6th

Rs.500

That’s not the monthly wage of the construction worker living in that conveniently ignored slum near you or the denomination of the paper that Chonia Gandhi uses to wipe her elegant eye-talian behind, that was the rate of the tickets for Avial’s performance at Chennai on 6^th August, EARLY BIRD RATES! We were lucky enough to be able to contribute to the economy by blocking a whole bunch of tickets at Rs.750 rather than pay that extra Rs.35/ticket if we buy the tickets online(all the money incidentally, WON’T go to orphans with diseases). Now I won’t mention which hotel in Nungampakkam, Chennai charged us an obscene amount with no proper planning for the event, but.....

Them assholes said we couldn’t get in without having shoes? WTF! SHOES?! For a band from Kerala? We Malayalis will start wearing shoes as part of our dress code when the rest of the world start eating Kerala cuisines without complaining about the coconut oil. Yeah sure, part of club policy, we don’t look as kewl as you management people, etcetera etcetera etcetera. Despite all the “No dogs and chappal wearers allowed” attitude going on, we got in without much of a problem.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention waiting in queue for our tickets to get printed and arrive at the location....with about 200 other people....in a passage way that’s 4 feet wide and 20 feet long....for about half an hour. Doesn’t sound too difficult? Compared to what was about to follow, yes.

Once inside, we realised that our over priced entrance ticket money was well spent on an average sized room with no AC, no ventilation, pointless flood lights, even more pointless revolving stage lights, pathetic sound equipment and local booze. Inside we noticed that they didn’t even let Tony(vocals) get in with his usual shirtum-mundum combination outfit, even he had to wear pants and shoes. Why not increase ticket rates to Rs.2000 and allow entry for only those with suit and jacket and a silver spoon up the ass me wondered. Maybe it was us, maybe it was the band or maybe it was the brain dead bastard controlling the audio output, but Avial’s sound check just took TOO FUCKIN’ LONG!

After the Avial cleared the area and the crowd started becoming restless, Benny Dayal came on stage. They kept us all entertained, expect one fine gentleman who wanted to show all the drunken characteristics of the fathers that sired him.

Then began yet another half another wait while Avial were doing…what ever it is they do for half an hour backstage while their audience waited for them……without AC…without ventilation….with huge pointless lights in our faces….and even more pointless moving lights spinning around near our crotches.

When the audience finished singing all the Malayalam songs composed since the time of Adam and Eve Menon, the band FINALLY, kullichu kuttappanmaar aayi powder okke itte ethi (TRANSLATION : bath-taking-powder-wearing-good-boys FINALLY got on stage).

Tony straight away started his weird-stoned-snake dance routine in his usual outfit. First time I saw it, it was entertaining. After the Aanakallan video, Tony just turned from a Malayali to a KOMALI, AHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HA HA HAAA…. …..moving on.

Obviously they opened with Aanakallan. In the before, you could get drunk from just listening to Avial songs. Aanakallan is special, if you listen to it when drunk you sober up. It’s kind of like reading a religious scripture when horny and getting turned off.

BUT! Aanakallan live was actually a good song, not an Avial standard song, but a good song. Tony kept us entertained with his speech impediment thing and shiny head. Rex (lead) was just being quiet as usual while thinking in his mind “Heh! That’s mah music you be appreciating bitches. Now bang those heads!”

In all honesty, the 1^st Avial album was just perfect and the old songs made us forget the heat, the sweat, the lack of oxygen, lack of money or lack of proper organizing on behalf of our esteemed hosts in the awesomeness that is their hotel.

Tony kutta! Aanakalla! We saw you not singing all the lines of every song. Ah well, at least ‘Ayyo’ was written for you. Rehearse more da! Even Rex was getting tired of your on stage stand up comedy.

Eventually, the heat and carbon dioxide got to the band as well. Binny(bass) showed us mercy and sprinkled the water from his bottle onto the crowd. Mithun(drums) who had totally burned out(twice) from his bad ass drumming, walked to the front of the stage and poured the water over his head as though saying “Yeah! I’m dying here too”. Suddenly, out of nowhere jumps out DoucheMan™, defender of posh hotels and clubs. DoucheMan™ just got verbally violent on Mithun for chilling out. DoucheMan™ doesn’t care that it was his hotel that ripped off so many Avialheads and provided sub-standard service in return, DoucheMan™ was the ass slave of the hotel empire and he’ll start foaming in the mouth and barking like a rabid dog if one molecule of water touches his beloved hotels beloveder equiptment. DoucheMan™ saved the day and may he rot in hell for that.

No matter how much we started to enjoy the Avial songs, we were constantly swarmed by buzz kills like the equipment control guy (“Saar saar! Dan touch lightings.”) or the bar mixers (“No coke saar! Soda vatter.”) and even idiots in the crowd (“Dude! I have no respect for Metallica, they’re buncha whores”). But the greatest of them all was the sound mixer mudda fugga(who will henceforth be referred to only as mudda fugga).

Tony : Can we have more sound on vocals please?

Mudda fugga : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rex : (gestures more sound on his guitars)

Mudda fugga : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Everyone : ……………..

Later,

Avial : Chaapa Kurish song>

Chick : Chaaaapaaaaa…….kurisheeeeeeeee……….

Tony : More sound on vocals please

Mudda fugga : (gives Tony the middle finger)

Everyone : ………………..

Even later,

Tony : Please turn off the flood lights it’s too hot.

Flood lights : (OFF)

Tony : And rotate the revolving lights upwards.

Revolving lights : (points upwards)

Avial : (Resume)

Flood lights : (ON)

Revolving lights : (revolve like hell)

Everyone : WTF!

Mudda fugga : (continues to masturbate)

Safe enough to say that we got tired of all this bullshit and got out before the damn thing ended and missed Aadu pambe and Nada Nada. Ah well, choose a better place next time Avial!

Feed like you'd wanna be fed [Akshaya Patra Program]

Click link for website

The NGO, Akshaya Patra is giving an opportunity to those who'd like to donate this Christmas season a great chance. They basically deal in providing mid day meals for underprivileged children. Started out in 2000 with 1500 children in Bangalore, and currently providing for 12,53,266 children.

This was all started by Madhu Pandit Dasa, an IIT engineer turned spiritual leader and an entrepreneur for the social cause. He stated that "Poverty is the primary cause for lack of education." Atleast this takes care of the lack of proper nourishment part of poverty. The organisation distributes freshly cooked healthy meals in more than 5000 government schools. For most of these children, this is the only complete meal in the entire day. This added incentive of coming to school thus improves their education exponentially.

Look at the size of the kid on the left, he's too small to fend for himself in this world

You can read more about them from the wikipedia page or this article by Time magazine. What I've observed most is that many people out there want to donate towards the under privilaged, but either don't know how/where or just plain don't trust the websites out there. You can take your own judgement about donating to these people, but they ask for ONLY Rs. 525 to feed a child for a year. That is the projected costs and I don't know how to use the Rupee symbol on bloody blogspot. You can give in your Pan number and get the tax exemption certificate as well. So if the message isn't clear enough, here's something for the myopic and/or disinterested.

DONATE NOW!

Rs.525 maybe very little or a lot for us but it definitely is a LOT MORE to someone else.

The Great Indian Blogologues [Digitally yours Madras]

Prologue

I still couldn’t believe it when I got the mail from Stray Factory saying one of my posts got selected for the Great Indian Blogologues. I thought it was a hoax until Director Rajiv called me up. From then on it was a mad dash for tickets(last minute obviously) with the blocking and booking and the subsequent confusion between the two.

The Site

Stray Factory had set up a page on their site with my name on it and that was pretty much enough to impress my friends. I mean, it was the first time my name appeared on a website that wasn’t the FBI database. Then they went on to create a whole site for the event – www.blogologues.in. With our individual photos and everything. That increased the hits to my blog many fold. Those who are too lazy to check the site out now, here’s a rough idea.

Don't worry, the post gets more serious from this point on.

31^st October 2010 (D-Day)

The Gathering

I put on my Pirate hat and gathered my battalion of people (whom I bribed to make noise for me) and went for the event . I saw some of the bloggers, from a distance that is. They had 2 tickets worth Rs.500 each for the bloggers absolutely free. That is the highest anyone has estimated my net worth, Rs.1000. I know, I AM awesome! I expected someone to come up and say “hey...are you...Vinay Menon?”. Sadly, that never happened as no one gave a damn . Having no possible idea about the media coverage or what’s going to happen(or ‘gonna happen’ for the literarily challenged), our group entered Shivagami Petachi auditorium.

The Event

Show started with Mathivanan(who’s so badass he didn’t even need a mic) giving an intro of the whole thing and of the bloggers. The lights were strategically dimmed during the latter so that they didn’t look like they were socializing with nerds and/or idiots. If I triggered some insecurity in any of the selected 9 bloggers reading this, let it be known the lights were completely off for moi.

Everything about the first show can be found here -> ‘The Great Indian Blogologues – A Review’ by Rindo Ramankutty. That’s pretty much the only good complete review out there. He’s said 90% of what I wanted to say. Yeah yeah, remaining 10% coming up, be patient.

The Aftermath

Generally, theatre has this stereotype of being drab and archaic (read : Shakespeare). But anyone who has/hasn’t seen theatre before were floored. The highlights being Inspector Sathya, Mathi the terrorist, Aswath the love struck boy and the Mime troupe. The next 2 weeks were filled with facebook publicity and celebration. Metro did an article on the event talking about how they were kinda stupid and didn’t get all the jokes or something, plus an interview with the only celebrity in our midst. Some people who attended said “Besides the technical errors, the show was perfect”. To them I say – try running a show on stage for 90 minutes perfectly and then talk you whiney bitches! You could’ve at least credited the actor who improvised on stage for the technical errors.

13^th NOVEMBER 2010 (encore)

The Gathering

This time around came with just a few friends and parents quite decently. I knew Giri Vijaykumar was there somewhere since he had bought the Blogologues T-shirt before me(his name was on the list) and I ran into Zaid Mohd. Besides that, the remaining bloggers were too busy saving the world from a meteorite and couldn’t make it. If your real reason tops a broken toe, then I’d agree with you. Else, you know you’re conceited if you can’t come for your own show.

The Event

ACT 1 : Judy finds ‘the one’ by Mathivanan Rajendran

· This part is mainly monologue, so keeping it interesting by itself was a challenge. A challenge well accomplished by the director.

· Hawt girl in frame ends the opening monologue with extra emphasis on the statement “I’m a blogger, and I pollute cyberspace”. That was not really funny and completely untrue. With cyberspace full of uncensored violence, snuff, gay porn, Arudhathi Roy and what not, bloggers merely clutter cyberspace, not pollute it.

· Starting off with ‘Letter to the one’ by Judy Balan. Aiswarya Mahesh did the theatrical incarnation of the bold Judy. Aiswarya brought out a more poetic version of that, ending every sentence with a flourish.

Eg:- I like the idea of going go...UP.........on my toes...when I kiss...

I feel during both shows, the audience didn’t give her enough applause when they should’ve, thus earning Aiswarya the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 1’.

"Dear you...."

The play then seamlessly flows into a mix of ‘The F factor’ and ‘Definitely the heights’, both by Teenu Terrance. Judy’s Mom on screen is both a ‘tyrant’ but still likable.

· After his entrance and a brief chat with Judy, Mathi begins his own monologue based on ‘Why not be a terrorist’ by Charan, and he totally ‘pwned’ it. This was my favourite post under Mathi’s direction but the stage performance was even better. My favourite part being the infamous ‘pink slip’. It seemed like a stand up act routine, if nothing else.

Multiple passports beeyotch!

Mathi's line - "They should be tied to a post and tickled to death" - heights of passive aggressiveness.

· Meanwhile, Hawt girl in frame didn't just sit there being brain dead. She herself was enjoying the show put on my Aiswarya and Mathi.

· Aiswarya's line - "....a psycho that should be put away in da looony biiiin" - a nod to insults in the 50s

· In the post ‘Useless friends and loola family’ again by Judy Balan, what stole the show in this one was the Stoned photographer friend. “WAAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

· The Terrorist's growing frustration as he calls up Judy's contacts, eventually leading him to 'act out' - "Avinash the superman..nyeh!"

· The final part of the play includes ‘Dead woman partying’ yet again by Judy Balan and then ‘15 reasons to marry a female blogger’ by Pradeep Kumar. This original blog of the latter had made me cringe since I disagree with the entire post and each of the points(twice). But the on stage duo limited it to just enough to keep the audience interested before ending on a romantic note. (Yes! Judy did find the one, HALLELUJAH!).

· "Nothing fits like a Gucci" - Product placement or Capitalist conspiracy? You be the judge!

ACT 2 : Vigilante v/s Vigilante by Hariher Balasubramanian

· A sci fi act based on ‘Transference’ and ‘Heist’ by Giri Vijaykumar. I still have no clue as to why the name for the act. Now this play being based on the blogs means it roughly adopts the concept of one of them and uses the name of the other in a passing conversation. Only the clone would be a common factor in both the blog and act, the rest were new characters.

· But even at the very start, the audiences’ collective minds were blown away so much that they were cleaning up the brain matter and sanitising the auditorium for days. The reason? INSPECTOR SATHYA portrayed by Joel Nigli. If this act was Inglourious Basterds, then Inspector Sathya was Colonel Hans Landa. Kudos to whoever wrote this breakthrough character in. Anyone gonna brag and take credit for that? No? Moving on. Hereare all the lines of Inspector Sathya through out the play that I can recollect.

· One change of cast was for the gay cop Ravikrishna. He was a more menacing homosexual in the first performance. But many(including my friends) didn’t get it. So this time around, he was substituted for a more stereotypical and disturbing homosexual (“Saar! He is lika lillipop”).

L to R : Inspector Sathya, Clone, Ravikrishna the gay cop

· I liked the character of Loansharkji, the bitch aunty/gang boss who is so badass that she talks to her ‘clients’ only through her lieutenant even if they’re standing next to her. Director Hariher Balasubramanian plays the role of Barbie (seriously??!!), the lieutenant.

· One really funny line by Loansharkij had changed slightly over the 2 performances as far as pauses go.

1^st performance : Does it look................like I give...................a flying............FUCK??!!

2^nd performance : Does it look.....like I give a flying fuck??!!

This line was noted because of the varied reactions it should’ve received.

Previous Generation : Shiva Shiva! Profanity!! Chee!

GenXer 1 : Nope, I don’t think she’d give a flying fuck.

GenXer 2 : I agree with you, even if she had a dozen flying fucks, she wouldn’t give any of them.

GenXer 1 : Yup, no flying fucks to be received from her. Wanna go smoke grasses?

GenXer 2 : Totally!

· The next few scenes are a flurry of Loansharkji quoting Shakespeare(foreshadowing), scientist chicks being both funny(the Chubby one) and annoying(the other one) and Inspector Sathya figuring out the entire plot was based on Transference with a few added twists. The epiphany scene was better done than last performance and this time around the audience actually got what was going on.

No Barbie! Loansharkji said to slap the other one

· The main character(Naren Weiss) seems to have gone unnoticed under Inspector Sathya’s shadow. He played the role of confused/seemingly innocent victim well, being bullied by the Inspector. His disturbing enactment of his nail being pulled out turned my focus away from Loansharkji’s lines from Shakespeare. And finally quoting Shakespeare’s relatively unknown lines with a menacing tone was a great ending. Congrats! You have won the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 2’.

ACT 3 : Confessions of a Shattered Mind by Rajiv Rajaram

· This consists of 4 distinct skits loosely integrated in the name of science or something.

· Starts off with Zaid Mohd’s ‘Traffic Jams’ post, which is basically the Bean Jar analogy on vehicles stuck in a Traffic Jam. The post by itself kinda drags but Naveen George Thomas explains it well as a Scientific Mind complete with technical jargon.

· Cameo by Director Rajiv as Director Rajiv and the subsequent dialogue – “What yaar?” “Help yaar” “GO yaar!”

· What really blows you away is the musical Naveen himself sings and the Mime troupe enacting out Chennai traffic scenes including Vehicles, traffic signals, the dastardly traffic police, accidents and ensuing chaos. Thus Naveen gets the coveted title of ‘Sung hero of Act 3’, since he got to sing et al.

The full blown musical

jlk· The icing on the cake being the line “It is BEANS ladies and gentlemen.....the ‘S’ is silent”.

· Lisping nerdy Lalit Modi does his thing and becomes a money hungry bastard, but lovably so, in stark contrast with the real one.

· Using the mime troupe to represent a group of people was a brilliant idea, especially for the ‘Tweet Tweet’ part of the Sashi Jingle and the ‘Local piece’ enactment.

· One of the BYEST lines in the play was “To unite the upper class ....middle class ....and lower class ”. That was just too good.

· Sashi’s line “Do not worry my fellow lesser man...” was a complete miss. GRRRR!

· “He’s a Witch....BURN HIM!”

· The references to Gabriella Demetriades and Sreesanth were lost on the audience. In fact the whole anti-IPL message was also lost I guess.

How Sashi went from zero to...uh...negative?

· Ashwath Nair and his crush had a newly added opening duet dream sequence.

· ‘Truth Stranger than fiction’ by Anuraag Seshadri is a lengthy post with a story that can be fit into 5 lines – (1)Guy likes girl (2)Guy PROFESSES love to girl (3)Girl gets angry (4) Guy has humorous conversation with friends (5) Girl accepts guy as friend. Considering this, the stage performance was a vague adaptation of the shadow of the compressed-made-in-Taiwan version of the distant relative of the original post.

Lessons on how (NOT) to PROFESS your love

· This time around, there were no technical glitches and we got to see Humphrey Bogart fully. But Ashwath did have the chance to improvise when one of his would be stalkers yelled out ‘Nice ass!’.

HUMPHREY BOGART!!!

· EVIL THAI MAMA! BUAHAHAHAHAAA!!

· I had met this guy before and he behaves pretty much the same on stage. So I never felt it was put on or anything. In short, the Other scientist chick from the previous act can take a few lessons on how to over act and still look good.

· “I love you” “WHAT?” “ok.......” – CLASSIC!

· The final part was completely in Tamil and not based on anything I had ever read. But the show put on by Amzad Khan, RJ Ma Ka Pa Anand and especially Sharavan Raghavan(whom my friends called cute) was enough to make you listen to the pointless story about the ‘Mallika Sharawath polle oru pambu’

Get that snake!

· The new closing act? Inspector Sathya makes a re entrance to show them rowdies who’s Da Boss.

Ey you rowdies! Give the message da!

Misc

· The legendary Krish Ashok wasn’t available since he’s just too awesome to mingle with us mortals. Wouldn’t you agree?

· The Mime troupe involved were the MacTrics.

· At the very end, Hiphop Tamizha did a longer performance than last time. Once again, we all liked the beat box guy.

· Stay tuned for Jerome Bixby’s Man from Earth by Stray Factory!!!

L to R : Directors Hari, Mathi and Rajiv with everyone

The Aftermath

The crowd pretty much loved the performance but still left the auditorium the second Mathi said ‘Thank you’, possibly to discuss about it outside. On stage, everyone was hugging and doing back flips from the excitement of doing, not one, but TWO shows successfully. All credit goes to the Monkey. They made us look cool, and for that, we salute them!

Epilogue

I heard something about Mathi having to travel around the world in less than 80 days while still in make-up (no, he wasn’t made the Prime Minister of England, that’s just a myth). Besides that, the missing bloggers successfully saved the earth from the killer meteorite the best way they could – by making their fans write negative comments about the meteorite in support of them.