Valentine's 2014: A guide for him and her

Men's guide

Step 1: Grooming - Be a Modi fan boi

Source: The Wall Street Journal India blog; oddly under the article of the NaMo smart, the Modi phone
Nothing says sexy than everyone's favourite right wing Gujarati dictator...uh, I mean...Future Prime Minister. Slather your Facebook wall with NaMoness by sharing World War II style propaganda posters and go insult any secular/congress/intellectual/leftist/firang/clean shaven bastard who disagrees with you. Before you want to be the sex magnet all women desire, make sure you lose these relatively useless features...
  • Sense of humour
  • Affinity for facts
  • Patience
  • Logic
The probability that you will finally land a girl will be increased ten fold, just like the progress of Gujarat over the last 7 minutes.

Step 2: Flirting - Be a witty and charming stalker

Source: Bangalore wishesh; List of Shah Rukh Khan's most romantic songs
They've banned smoking in movies, which means that it's wrong and we don't know any better. But they haven't banned stalking, which means that it's A-OK!
No one likes a creepy and uninteresting stalker. You need to impress her with your personality. If you haven't landed a girl automatically with your all mighty NaMoness(how yaar? Stupid wonly those girls!), you'll need to take the initiative and go out there to hunt your female.
I encourage being proactive over reactive. Let me explain...
  • Reactive: Jump in the path of the girl of your desires and 'propose her'. She will be shocked on seeing you for the first time in her life and run away. Silence is the biggest invitation of them all. Proceed to follow her from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. The feeling of being watched and touched inappropriately all the time will be too much for her and she'll want more. BAM! WIFE!
  • Proactive: Proceed to follow the girl of your desires from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. BAM! WIFE!
Caution: Make sure your fingertips are as witty and charming as your facebook profile. Else she'll fall for someone who is touching her more than you are.

Step 3: Courting - 'NO' is spelt 'R-A-P-E'

Even they're asking for it
Source: Some website
This is merely a bonus step for those who are still unlucky to hear 'no' from the lips of your beloved future slave. Who knows, maybe she's into the corruption of science and openness and all. But we shouldn't waste time moping around being normal, we should go out there and avenge our egos with our holy swords of justice.
Just one poke and she'll be ejected from her family, her house, her school/college/job, her society and her book club. With nowhere to go, she'll come running to and fall at your feet asking for forgiveness. Feel free to let her be on the ground as long as you wish while your ego recovers the earlier rejection.
Once your benevolence finally gets aroused, proceed to pick her up, take her home and proceed to do onto her what got her in this place already. Why? All that running and falling down probably killed off your baby, so time to make a new one. 

Tip: If she says 'yes' , do it. If she says 'no', she is shy wonly, so do it.

Women's guide

Step 1: Grooming - Let's put a smile on that face

Kakihara, a character from the Manga Ichi the Killer; obviously happy about his make over
Source: Silent Hill community forum
You wheatish ugly woman! Who will ever marry you? That's right, marriage, the only thing you're good for. Actually, pregnancy is the only thing you're good for. Do you look good? Of course you don't. Let's modify your natural appearance!
These are the things you need to change about you before you can even hope for a guy to notice you...
  1. Skin colour
  2. Lip shape(refer Koffee with Karan for ideas)
  3. Nose shape
  4. Eyes size(big is good)
  5. Ear shape
  6. Facial hair
  7. Armpit hair
  8. Leg hair
  9. Hip size(big is baby bearing good)
  10. Bust size(big is hubby baby feeding good)
  11. Stomach size
  12. Finger size
  13. Toe size
  14. Nail colour
  15. Personality
  16. Attitude
  17. Everything
  18. Everything
  19. Everything

Step 2: Flirting - Be traditional

Source: Hindu Janajagruti Samiti website; under the section - Awakening of Rightousness...wait, is she a firang?
No one likes a modern woman. Full time bad lady wonly she, all drinking winking reading weading working shorking! Chee! Go home and start cooking you dirty girl!
When you meet him, remember to join your hands together and bend over such that the top of your head touches the ground he walks on. This will give him the confidence to impregnate you later on. Make sure you look him only in the eye and mustache. If his eyes wander all over you, take it as a compliment and commence to write the sanskit verses of the Rig Veda with your big toe.
Next, serve him tea while he tells you about what it's like to go outside the house and see the sky. Tell him about your aspirations to give birth to all 8 of his children or die trying.
Seal the deal by covering your face with the pallu of your saree and fluttering your eye lashes at him while your parents barter with his parents on how much they should sell you for. You go girl!

Step 3: Courting - Marriage or death!


  1. DUDE....Ahem let me introduce you to section 354D of the Indian penal code...
    There goes your stalking down the drain!!!

  2. Dudette...let me introduce you to section 1 of the Indian patriarchal code. There goes you into the kitchen.


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