Protesters versus Fanatics

Image sources:  Nevada Today, Tiger Mouse productions

Protester	Fanatic
Species
Homo Sapiens	Unknown (Closely resembles Neanderthals)
Societal structure
Conformist Bourgeoisie	Deity worship
Tolerance threshold
Extremely high	Zero
Sense of humour
Varies according to subject's background	Non-existent
Weapon of choice
Candles and Facebook	Sticks and stones
Strength
Intelligence	Numbers
Vulnerability
Numbers	Indeligunss
Attack mantra
Share and like	Destroy everything that isn't us
Primary enemy
Everyone else	Logic
Species prognosis
Eventual extinction	World War 3
Process of eradication
Disable internet connection	Decapitation

BJP Manifesto: First draft

All image sources: Wikipedia for Modi, Indian Cow and Ayodhya.

1. Form a coalition Government to gain power. Blame allies for not keeping up most of the promises mentioned below.
2. Growth growth and more growth. How? Viagra, that's how.
3. We must rebuild Ram Temple in Ayodhya (It's not that this'll be the ultimate talking point)
4. We must nuke Chiang Mai as they claim the ruins in the location to be that of Ayuthayya. We all know there is only one Ayodhya.
5. Every history text book will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.
6. Every book will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.
7. Every license plate number will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.
8. Sex can only be performed for procreation.
9. Sex can only be performed in the missionary position.
10. There will be zero tolerance against terrorists and terrorism in general. That is all. No further details on the implementation of that statement.
11. Beef will be banned along with the state of Kerala, which'll henceforth be considered as a part of Pakistan.
12. Every household will raise a Cow and pray to the cow everyday. Cow can be purchased from the Government at subsidised rates. 
13. Maintenance of the Cow will be the responsibility of the household.
14. Any property found without a Cow will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.
15. Any property found with the Cow deceased due to natural or unnatural causes will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.
16. Any property found with the owners having committed suicide due to the inability to bear the costs of a Cow will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.
17. English will be a banned language. All movies, books and logic in English will henceforth be considered hazardous for the country.
18. The word  'Secular' will be replaced with 'Homosexual'.
19. The inflation and other economic things can be solved by prayer and doing the same thing the Congress claims they'll do. Except they won't do it. And neither will we.
20. Every good thing will be a by product of Team Modi.
21. Every bad thing will be a by product of UPA.
22. Every random thing will be a by product of AK-49.
23. All sexual deviants must be removed from the nation so as to prevent un-Hinduisation. They will all be given tickets to leave the country, courtesy Malaysian Airlines.
24. All atheists will be sent to Saudi Arabia.
25. All Muslims can go die will be ignored will be thrown a bone to chew on will be personally hi-fied by Modi.
26. All puppies will be lined up and a road roller ran over them.
27. All those without a photo of Modi in their house, will be given a free Modi tattoo.
28. All Indian Muslims are to be traded with Pakistan Hindus by the end of the year. There are exceptions to this rule:
1. AR Rahman can stay as he has won an Oscar award. But awards from the US are useless to us. But since he won it eitherways...
2. APJ can stay since everyone likes him. Also, he follows the Vedas which makes him more of a Hindu.
3. Farhan Aktar can stay if he wins the Film Fair awards.
29. All citizens are urged to not question any of the above mandates, under threat of political isolation and fusion with Pakistan.
30. All citizens will be mandated to supply their iron, mud and bones for constructing the over sized statues of Freedom fighters approved by the party. Each monument will built at the capitals of the rebelling states.
31. Hindu hindu hindu growth growth? Growth growth Modi growth, Modi Modi. Modi Hindu Modi Modi. Modi!
32. MODI!

Ab ki bar, Modi Sarkar.

Top 5 election based publicity stunts I'd like to see

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Meghna Patel, the modi tune and a self parody video

Some things just have to be made fun of. Then there are some things that are making fun of itself to such a level that you need to stand back in awe and grab a brick so that you can bash yourself in the head with it and say "Mynd bloving wonly!"

No, Chetan Bhagat didn't write an open letter to Arvind Kejriwal, I'm talking about the latest exhibitionist attention seeker anti-thesis of women's equality "artist" with a "political" "concern" Meghna Patel (there aren't enough quotation marks for this task). Meghna Patel took a leaf from Poonam Pandey's book and realized that if you need to be famous, you can just strip in public. It's not a popular strategy and it's just crazy enough to work.
She also let every woman in India know that it's not what's in her mind that counts, but what's under her bra that will change the fate of the nation. So she stripped, for India's most eligible bachelor.
But the thing that has brought her to greater heights is the recent music video she made with the 'modi tune' to voo horny Indian men to climax vote for Modi. It worked and I can say I've voted for Modi atleast five times since I saw the video. While I can easily say that the video is the most awesome thing on the internet, it'll be difficult for me to say why exactly. So here's a critical anal-ysis of Meghna Patel's magnum opus (who'll henceforth be referred to as Boobies, since the sheer density of consonants in her name impedes my less patriotic organs from functioning) 

So the video starts with some weird variant of the Surya namaskaaram with two random guys checking out some cleavage and one random guy checking out ass. There is a forth random guy who's checking out the third random guy for some odd reason and Boobies blossoms on screen like the silver coated lotus that she is. This is accompanied in the background with a chant which goes either "namonamonamonamo" or "no more no more no more no more". As though the video read my mind, it answers my question.

Red fort, meet the green screen

So that's who the song is about.
What's with the pose? Did he just toss something over his shoulder in style?

Then the 'song' begins with Boobies looking much more like a porn star than usual. More like an Indian low budget porn star with enough lipstick to send signals to the Andromeda galaxy about intelligent life being absent on earth.

Everything about this image is fake, even the Indian flag in the background was made in China

While Boobies is busy lipsynching to what she obviously though was a very patriotic tune, we are showcased images of famous landmarks in India. Since that's what makes India, old buildings. Even if the entire population was reduced to ashes since Shiva was having a bad hair day, India will prevail on, in the form of buildings.

A message is subliminally hit over our heads in the form of a chant which goes "Vote for Modi". I'm not sure how that's possible as we don't elect a Prime Ministerial candidate, we just vote for the party. Is Boobies suggesting that Modi is synonymous with BJP or vice versa?
The Random guys in the video don't question this logic and are just happy in getting some face time on screen. Next stop, Ram Gopal Varma's movie!

Are you sure there's enough Modi in this screen? I see a lot of white spaces. Hell, give that guy a Modi mask.

That's not how you play rock-paper-scissors!

A major geographical faux pas occurs in the form of the Indian map, which doesn't show:-

1. Andhra Pradesh split into three states
2. The Pakistan part of Kashmir
3. The Chinese part of North East
4. Lakshwadeep Islands
5. Andaman and Nicobar Islands 
6. The statue of Sardar Patel as seen from space
7. Sonakshi Sinha's forehead as seen from space

I resent that my state was the last to get coloured in this image. Modi doesn't have my best interests in mind.

How about we get to know more about our random guys? I froze the video at one point and tried to figure out who they were as real people from their expressions. I can't say I did a bad job as I'm very good at reading people's minds from their faces.

This is followed by my most favourite part. First, we're shown a montage of all the things wrong in India AKA the not-for-tourism-India commercial AKA Slumdog Millionaire is totally wrong man! I guess Namo will find a solution to these - poverty, famine, over population(take down bharathmatrimony.com I guess?), protests, more protests, candles, more candles which is really getting old by now. This is followed by the most EPIC scene where Boobies contracts some eye infection and chest congestion. We see her narrowing her eyes and a heaving chest of, well, guess.

EPIC!

Namo; pointing out the browser close button to you

They put on one more verse of just about the same nonesense so that you can have time to catch your breath after laughing your ass off for the previous shot. Blah blah blah, lame lyrics and other crap and BAM! Wardrobe change.

So she finally manages to NOT look like a porn star.
"Look how modern we are" "Oh wow! As India's youth, I can totally relate to that."

As though we enjoyed that wardrobe change, they hit us with another one. This time around, Boobies is wearing the tradition women's wear of the Muslims, of the 16th century. While Random guy 1 theatrically raises his hands to the air(like he just doesn't care) in the name of Islam while Random guy 4 does a namaste, which I'm guessing is Hinduism. They might as well have had the former be a butcher and the latter look like Tenali Raman.

Towel - check, crucifix - check, turban - check, tilak - check
We're all ready to represent the...WTF IS ON HER DRESS?!

At this point, we, the viewer and she the Boobies, both get tired of this tripe and she excuses herself, probably to touch herself thinking of Namo.

Screw you guy! I'm going home.

While she leaves, we're hit over the head with the message that Namo will no longer kill offend Muslims and that in fact, he LOVES Muslims now, shown by a montage of him hugging and doing other bromance stuff with Islamic leaders. This is when we're introduced to Singer guys 1 and 2(who pretend to sing) and harmonium player guy(who pretends to play the harmonium and is actually bored out of his skull), all of who have weird black birth marks on their forehead. Apparently the budget saved from lack of lyrics, choreography, production wasn't enough to hire ACTUAL Muslims to sing.

YAWN!

Why did I say 'yes' to this?

Random guys one through four are obviously impressed at how badly they're lip syncing to the lyrics and can over act. They comment among themselves this feat. This is good pacing and plot progression on the director's side when they're cutting back to the earlier characters and relating them to the current characters. 

Check out these guy, and we thought we sucked!

Boobies can't stand the attention being grabbed by (bad) Singers and she rushes to the screen and trains the camera onto herself. After all, this is all about her Namo, right?

To celebrate the ending of the video, everyone hugs it out while Boobies dances and cackles like the malicious manipulator that she is.

What're those two on the far right doing?

Finally, FINALLY, we're shown the page long credits, 90% of whom didn't do their jobs right.

Now that I spent to much time with this song, it's stuck in my head for a longer time. All I have to say is this, if you want nudity, get Sunny Leone, she knows what she's doing!

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, watch the below video at your own risk.

For the 377th time, don't touch my culture!

Image courtesy Wikipedia; under the section 'Bestiality'
Not the shocked woman in the background

Remember the time when your Mom told you about how she met your Dad? It could’ve been along these lines– “I know arranged marriage is lame for kids nowadays, but back then that’s how we found love. I was sitting on your Grandfather’s lap when I first saw your Dad. He was being all cool and suave playing with his jack-in-the-box. My parents weren’t too happy about him missing his front baby teeth. Thankfully, ours was a modern family and they took my opinion! I’m sure it was his Mom’s idea, but he handed me, not one, but TWO Cadbury© Éclairs! That was the moment I fell for him. I’m not sure how, since my hormones hadn’t started flowing at that age. I guess that’s why we took 9 years to conceive you”. No? Well, thank god they abolished child marriage, unless you live in and around a desert in India (Clue: There is only one desert in India).

Remember that time when your Dad died and your Mom had to either quit her job, wear white all the time, shave her head and live as a fashion pariah for the rest of her life? Fortunately, your relatives convinced her to set herself on fire along with your Dad’s corpse (What is it with rituals and burning stuff?). It would’ve been so much more inconvenient with those electric furnaces, your Mom squeezed in there with what’s left of your Dad, waiting to be roasted alive for being, well, alive. Doesn’t ring a bell? Ain’t it awesome that Sati is no longer prevalent? (Incidentally, the word ‘Sati’ is the feminine of the Sanskrit word ‘sat’, which means ‘truth’).

While that sinks in, the above mentioned practices came into full flow in India due to the Muslim invasions of the 11^th century. Apparently, it was the society coping against a barrage of rape and abductions.

I know, Wikipedia told you that Sati was a practice in other cultures as well. Focus man! We’re talking about our culture, the correct culture, the perfect culture.

Let’s move on to the present era.

Remember the time you wanted a baby sister, but your Dad said his buddies would make fun of him at the club? But why was he punching Mom in the tummy repeatedly? And where is that baby sister of yours?

Or that time, when you decided to elope with that girl who was from different ‘group’ (includes SC/ST/OBC/PWD/Class/religion/area/skin colour/weight/altitude) and her Dad and brothers came after you? Of course you don’t, your decapitated head lies below her shaven and hung corpse. As we all know, decapitation leads to short term memory loss and drowsiness.

A diverse culture, aren’t we? So much fun and frolic!

Let’s now time-travel back to the not too distant past of three centuries.

Remember when the guys you hung out with used to engage in sexual congress with a horse?

- “bt dud!!!!!!!!!!y d fk u fkn a horse????”

- “y nt a hors lulz”

Or those girls from your class who were interlocked while in lotus position in a 5-way as the holy cow watched on? Getting too weird? Then I wouldn’t recommend the Sun Temple at Konarak for you, friend.

I guess all the folks back then were on ecstasy and tequila shots.

Heard of a guy named Shikhandi? Was born girl, went into a forest and came out a dude. Archeologists are still to locate the ruins of the clinic she visited to become a he. Here’s the Mahabharatha, rocking a full-on transgender as a pivotal character. Seriously, check it out. Bhisma(with his beard of immortality) thought it politically incorrect to kill Shikhandi, and got a volley of arrows in return.

So how did India get from pro-LGBT in their mainstream media to cringing every time boys kiss? (It’s okay if girls kiss, since that’s sexy!)

Enter the white man!

Those prudes came over and said – “This is preposterous! You must adhere to the only accepted form of fornication, which is the missionary position. Why? Because god!” To which, all the Indian males, held each other by the pinkies and said in unison “Okay! We can’t argue with gunpowder”.

And thus, in one fell swoop, we accepted the culture of another race so different from ours as to have snow and pants.

These were the people, who through the law, ruined the great lives of great men such as Oscar Wilde and Alan Turing. Oscar Wilde, the Irish poet and playwright, suffered and died at the ripe old age of 46 after being imprisoned for two years for being a homosexual. Wilde’s epigrams are still relevant and memorable today as they were 100 years prior. Alan Turing, considered the father of the modern computer, was chemically castrated for having sexual relations with another man. He took his life later with cyanide. His mind helped break the “unbreakable” enigma code of the Germans during the World War II, saving countless lives.

In 1861, they (not us) introduced Section 377.

In 2013, thousands, if not millions of geniuses much like you, came out shouting that homosexuality is against our culture, and that by accepting their culture, we’re embracing homosexuality as well.

Imagine my shoe for a moment. It is black, has no laces, has a worn out insole and a quarter inch heel. Fine, half inch heel. Now, imagine this shoe flying at the velocity of 9 metres/second at your pretentious face.

Everyone has opinions, but your’s is wrong. Simply because it lacks logic and is asinine. So you better keep those esteemed opinions to yourself, lest you be lynched during the Great Atheist uprising of 2022.

Damn! I spoke too much!

How to start your own religion [Examples from IBNlive.com comments]

Hey there! You look like an intelligent enough person. Are you bored with your life? Tired of being the only smart person in a sea of sheeple? Looks like this guide is just the thing you need! What better way to pass time than inventing a set of rules to manipulate narrow minded simpletons, right?

To help you out with examples, the following steps contain comments taken from the news website IBNlive.com regarding what people talk about the latest religion on the market 'Modism', the religion where Gujarat CM Narendra Modi is always right and you suck.
 

DISCLAIMER : IBNlive is owned by TV18 Broadcast Ltd and Time Warner Inc. I've just taken screenshots from their websites and I do not own anything regarding IBNlive, not even a single goat's hair from the goat that guards the IBNlive fortress built in Transylvania. I've taken the liberty to black out real names. You're welcome. What? You didn't want your public opinions be used and mocked out of context? Welcome to the internet bitch! Blah blah blah other legal stuff.

Step 1 : Pick a messiah

You kind of need that. Messiah is just an initial title. Later, the candidate can be referred to a 'God' or 'Lord Almighty' or any such meaningless words which start with a capital letter. This subject will henceforth be reffered to as 'Sham' for simplicity's sake.

Just go ahead and select a Sham who's popular, kind of good looking, says/said seemingly wise things and is lovable. Few examples of people who can't be selected are:-

• Oscar Schindler - not popular enough
• Zach Galifianakis - not that good looking
• Sean Connery - No one understands what he's saying
• Nikola Tesla - clearly not lovable as he didn't wish me Happy Birthday this year, and the year before, and the year before...
• You - you're not popular, you're wasting your time reading random blogs

A possible candidate

Step 2 : Exaggerate the Sham's achievements

Believe it or not, not everyone might be impressed by your Sham straight away. They require evidence and information before they decide to invest themselves emotionally and spiritually in your Sham. But fear not, these rebels can be easily curbed as their level of information gathering and analysis is purely supreficial. You just need to go ahead and nudge some information in their general direction. By information, I mean bloated realities based on supposed rumours and gossip. It helps to crowbar in your personal bias and/or agenda while spreading this (mis)information.
Here are a few examples of the Modists promoting their Sham. Observe that good language helps propagate the information as authentic and reliable.

 

Step 3 : Abolish logic

Logic is a pain. Endoursing in logic requires thought process, consistency, reason to name a few. Besides, logic is something that's relative. By repeatedly being illogical and supporting nonesense, you'd have created a new logic. One that fits your motives. The above sentences did not make any sense to you even thought I am correct? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Now you're (not) getting it!

 

Step 4 : Latch onto patriotism

Patriotism sells. It is an already popular notion. So you can bye-pass the need for hard work and simply ride the wave of credibility it already has. Ignore the fact that the patriotism runs only so deep as war, sports events and drunken conversations. Link every idea you convey to patriotism. The advantage is two fold. Those who agree with the concept of patriotism(aforementioned superficial patriots) will begin to agree with you. Those who disagree with you directly becomes an enemy of the country as well, a trait we will exploit in later steps.

Step 5 : Attack the opposition

A direct lead in from the previous step. Opposition will always crop up to hinder your progress. Now that you've already gathered a bunch of followers who've replaced the void in their lives with your religion, they'll consider any opposition as threat to their newly discovered pseudo sanctity.

The best way to attack the opposition is not through logic, as we've already done away with it. By arguing with the opposition will be fighting them at their level. Instead, we will personally attack them at our level. Once again, use the perverse priciples of logic and patriotism to assault. Popular methods include "UR GAY!!" and murder, as well as everything that comes in between. All's fair in love and war. Happy hunting!

The below examples by Modists are Amartya Sen(the person who mentioned he wouldn't support Modi) and the website IBNLive itself(irony?).

Step 6 : Random irrelevant references

A major part of promoting your religion is to shove it into everyone else's face and prying it into any and all conversations. It's simply advertising. Through word(and force) of mouth, the religion spreads and prospers. Make sure your (un)wise words are spewed in places which have absolutely no connection or context to what you're actually saying.

The third and last comment in the below list is the pinnacle of forced advertisement. My eyes teared up.

Step 7 : Rhetoric

rhet·o·ric [ret-er-ik] [noun]
1. (in writing or speech) the undue use of exaggeration or display; bombast.
2. the art or science of all specialized literary uses of language in prose or verse, including the figures of speech.

FINALLY, give your words (which will now be called 'preachings') some class by implementing poetry. It doesn't matter how bad you are at it. Just do it!

In conclusion

Now that you have your own religion going on for you, do not forget to utilise it for the following agendas:-

• Propagating your own ideas.
• Forcing your thoughts on others.
• Financially profits with tax benefits.
• Sexual exploitation.
• Living outside the perimeters of the law.

And many more. Have fun!



NaMo Yamadeva (Parody of Ra-ra-rasputin) - Lyrics

There lives a certain man in Gandhinagar now,

He is bright and saffron, with a white beard that is wow!

Minorities look at him with terror and with fear

But to Middle class prigs, his words they bring a tear.

Come to listen, to his many speeches

pulling many a crowd.

If you catch, what he really teaches,

Hitler would be proud.

NaMo Yamadeva!

Lover of a country clean

His heart is gold, his brain made of lead.

NaMo Yamadeva!

India's greatest spiel machine

You talk against him, and it's your head!

He ruled with a hand, both noble and so gay

With his other hand, he sold it on eBay.

His only competition? A dim witted child,

with a famous name and I liked the way he smiled.

For the people he was a holy leader

though they've heard the things he'd done.

They believed, he was the one to prefer

over the ones who now govern.

NaMo Yamadeva!

Owner of the India gene,

He only wants his love to be spread.

NaMo Yamadeva!

Hater of the colour green,

Atleast that's what his PR guy said!

(Spoken:)

But when his talking and preaching and his hunger

for power became known to more and more people,

the demands to make this man the Prime Minister

became louder and louder.

"This man is pure evil!" decalred his enemies,

But his fans were pissed "teri maa ki ankh" they wheeze.

No doubt this little man, had lots of hidden charms

he said yes to corps and ignored all the farms.

All the idiots, the facebook daily suffers,

shared and liked their latest craze

"I just love him, while the video buffers"

Regressing to their porn phase

NaMo Yamadeva!

Develop this nation please

you are the shiniest of the two turds

NaMo Yamadeva!

We will go down on our kness

and flock to you like domestic heards

NaMo Yamadeva!

We are out of ideas

We'll make a Big Brother, out of thee

NaMo Yamadeva!

Like the bloody Koreas

Destroy this planet with World War THREE!

(Spoken:) 

... oooooooom namo kamala!

Experiments in patriotism : My Cat

"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel"

- Samuel Johnson

 I was looking around lately, and realized this country is going to the dogs. In order to take it back from the dogs, or at least to make my ego feel better, I decided to conduct an experiment. An experiment in PATRIOTISM! *EPIC MUSIC*

Since the country was going to the dogs, I decided to patriotically conduct the patriotic experiment on my cat. If that patriotic logic doesn't sit well with you, then you should skip the patrioticness in me as you are not patriotic enough.

My cat; obviously excited for being the subject of this experiment 

Session #1: Which culture do you follow?

The culture and heritage of our great nation is unmatched. Since we do not have the knowledge or insight of our ancestors, we must do the next best thing - repeatedly keep referring to our past as long as it is convenient to our situation.

Example 1: If India loses to Australia in a crucial test match, it's not because our cricketers were over indulging in product endorsements and spent less time in practice. We are cultured people who have higher pursuits in the spiritual realms and can't be bothered by the brute force of these un-evolved Aussie creatures. Had the cricket match been played in the astral plane, we'd have won hands down.

Example 2: If your daughter/wife/sister wants to do something which she wants, tell her she can't. In the ancient days of the Indian caveman, if the woman left the cave, she would most definitely be raped by a gorilla. This would not happen if she listened to the man and did not leave the cave. So your daughter/wife/sister can't do anything other than what you tell her. Else, gorilla rape!

Recently, the corruption of the youth is taking place due to negative influences from the west. The concept that every society is perfect and flawed in its own way is just nonsense. OUR society is the best and theirs is WRONG! Anything which is different from our way of life for the past 1000 years is BAD! (except concrete, electrical appliances, electricity, wireless communication, medicine or a few other stuff). Let's simplify that. Anything, WE THINK is different, is wrong. 

So I took our culture as part of my first experiment. One of the key aspects of  culture is the way one looks. I sported a look which befits the corrupting influences of the west, namely a T-shirt and jeans. I also imported another evil western device, THE PONYTAIL. With my new look, I went in front of my Cat and asked for an opinion. 

My Cat's shocking answer

I was taken aback. I thought for sure my Cat would tell me to cut my hair and have a side partition. Then to go wear plain clothing and look like a bland background character. But ALAS! My Cat liked my ponytail and wanted to play with it. My Cat did not mind me wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Had I not had a strong sense of cultural sense, I may have liked this atrocious clothing as well. This clothing is against my heritage! I must burn it! 

Unlike those westerners who clean their respective asses with paper, I will show Gandhigiri to my Cat and give her another chance. I'm sure she'll show her hidden patriotism for this country in the next test.

Session #2: What does the patriotic Indian look like?

This was a question that really bogged me. I thought I'd get some idea from the Indian flag. Since I forgot what the Indian flag looked like, I googled it. What struck me the most was the first colour, saffron. Since it is the first colour, it is obviously the most dominant one. I know there are other colours, but that's only because saffron LET those other colours be there. This flag obviously belongs to saffron! 

I get that this is a secular flag, but that's just because it's in the constitution and second standard textbooks. Don't you know that saffron is not really a colour, but a CONCEPT OF PRINCIPLES? It is a concept of peace and prosperity, unlike white or green. Saffron has been on the flag thousands of years ago. Green invaded the flag and white colonized the flag. Dirty colours they are!

I was thinking saffron and the first thing that popped into my mind was NARENDRA MODI! I don't know why. It's as if god wants to connect this beautiful colour with this beautiful creature and has spoken through me. I must write songs about this majestic creature and sing them with others like me.

BUT FIRST! I must finish my experiment. So I googled 'Narendra Modi' and filled my screen with his Modi-ness and Saffron-ness. My second experiment will be how one accepts the most patriotic Indian.

Vande....Matharam.....*sobs*

I showed it to my Cat. I was waiting for my Cat to start singing 'Vande Matharam' along with me. In fact, I wanted to petition our flag be changed to something else, something more patriotic. Maybe the image of a LOTUS would be perfect. So I was day dreaming about my Cat and I petitioning for a newer more patriotic Indian flag.

Vande....Matharam?

I was waiting for my Cat's awesome reaction. I mean, anyone who doesn't like saffron or lotuses, should be a supporter of the Italian mafia! How could they hate this country and sit silently while the Italian mafia is doing things. I know what you're thinking, why can't someone hate BOTH saffron AND the Italian mafia. Well you're wrong. You can't have your own opinions if it differs from saffron. It's either India or Italy.

My eyes could not be believed upon

How could my Cat do this to me? I'd specifically chosen a colour and a person through arbitrary internet search. It's not like I should know the past and present of my choices. My choice should solemnly be based on what's popular. And anyone who disagrees with me should be wrong. I shall give her one last chance.

Session #3: Will you protest to preserve our great nation?

Protesting is essential for the smooth running of any republic. Protest for the prevention of the crime is pointless. The best way is to protest AFTER the crime occurs. Also, in order to maintain novelty, one must protest against something sensational and gossip worthy. To simplify things for you, here's a list of things which you must and must not protest against

Things you SHOULD protest against : Rape in cities, Corruption (the word), Facebook not loading, Not enough pocket money, Sonia Gandhi, Religious something

Things you SHOULDN’T protest against : Rape in villages, Land grab, Deforestation, Aggressive corporatization, Female infanticide, Communalism, Poor educational system, Farmer suicides, Widespread poverty, Honour killing, Lack of infrastructure, Lack of population control, Lack of proper medical supplies, Lack of employment for most, Lack of concern of the Government, Lack of concern of the society etc etc etc

Some losers out there are even protesting against PROGRESS! How dare they! When APJ Abdul Kalam said India will be a super power at 8:20PM(get it?) today, he meant that India will be full of luxury flats and malls. India can't be a super power and look like a country full of slums and poor people.

As the third and final test, I asked my Cat's opinion on something which everyone is talking about very actively these days - Anna Hazare's fight against corruption! What? That's not in the news anymore? Then that problem must've been solved. Then I'll ask my Cat about Terrorism, that's something that's always going around these days. If it's not a hot topic now, it will be as soon a bomb goes off somewhere. I personally don't know what all the fuss is about, don't they know that when someone dies in a terrorist attack, that they'll get 72 virgins in heaven.

My Cat eating, obviously she hates Mahatma Gandhi and free speech

THAT'S IT! I'm sending my Cat to Tihar jail!

I hope she gets the death penalty, nothing is too harsh for my anti-national freedom hating commie Italian mafia Cat!

JAI HIND!

My Cat wasn't harmed during the making of this post. Though she was slightly annoyed at all the extra attention she was getting.
Inspired from a lovely post by MediaCrooks. I'm deliberately not adding a link so as to not get them more hits.