A dire consequence of a nation which promotes arranged marriage and motherhood is that everyone procreates, no matter their ability to raise the offspring. While the quelled middle class themselves are finding it difficult to raise children in this cruel and harsh world, people of lesser financial stature are 200% ensuring that the world is a worse place bring more children into it and thus giving the said child little choice but to suffer in it. Now that you are poor, let's consider your options. If you live in the city, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you live in the country side, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you survive in either cases, you can die of neglect by a Government who knows you won't be interested in voting. It's like playing chess with yourself while sky diving without a parachute. The only way you can win is by losing, and then you'll die. If you do get above the ever descending poverty line, don't forget that inflation will beat you to it.
Marrying someone you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? Wearing what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? Studying what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? Eating what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? Earning what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? Car not expensive enough?Log kya kahenge? No children? Log kya kahenge? Not enough children? Log kya kahenge? Dark skin? Log kya kahenge? Short? Log kya kahenge? Too much hair? Log kya kahenge? Too little hair? Log kya kahenge? Born at the wrong time? Log kya kahenge? Still alive? Log kya kahenge? All of the above questions has two solutions.
Rules are for losers. Work is for idiots. So let's leave our work half done and break all the rules to do what is convenient for us. But if someone else does it, damn that person's soul to hell.
Of course, this causes just a minor problem known as inefficiency. This leads to even minor life threatening pit falls where someone loses a life. Yes, it's all fun and games till someone drowns, or falls off a building, or a building falls on them, or gets hit by a car, or simply forgot to pay the dowry.
As a service to you, I've already Googled 'accident' and found the images to be quite fascinating. You can do it yourself and think about what people will be talking about seeing your body in that condition.
Go ahead and make any reference towards any religion and/or their religious head(s). In a country where the right to religion(no qualification required) is more important than right to speech will lead to the most religious people having the grace of a blind club wielding gorilla riding atop a deranged rhinoceros on cocain. All you need to do is to point a question of "Why?" at the monster or even not be doing anything at all. What will follow is torture(physical and mental) followed by ostracization be all your peers, family and friends since it obviously is your fault. Forget that all of the 'beliefs' are based on what your parents parroted to you, it's not your belief and your righteous indignation is righteous. More people have lost body parts, lives and loved ones in the name of the random events that you have no control of (aka god) than accidents, honour killings and poverty combined. Are those statistics accurate? You insult my god! Prepare to die.
Awesomeness: ☺
Publicity: ☺☺☺☺
Style: ☺☺☺☺☺
Mess: ☺☺☺☺
#1: Girl
A girl is not what is going to get you killed, I meant you should simply BE a girl. From female infanticide to honour killings and beyond, women in India find it way easier to die than the opposite sex. Here are a couple of easy steps:-
Born as a girl
If you survived step 1, do something which you are told shouldn't be done.
If you survived step 2, make sure that you're not a man or if you got the wrong country.
The recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman made me realize how little people know of him, if at all. Although I'm not in support of a man with 3 kids who ODed on heroine, I did like the actor he was and more importantly, his characters. It got me thinking, there are so many actors out there who appear on screen and it's obvious that actor playing that character. Case in point, Nicolas Cage for ANY role he plays looks like Nicolas Cage pretending to be someone else.
Then there are the character actors who get into the skin of their roles, making a fictional person seem more real than most people we meet. Think Johnny Depp, you wouldn't recognize him if you met him in real life barring the looks. The Oscar has evaded him as many times as Leo DiCaprio.
But you've atleast heard of these people. What of the talented actors who are hardly known and even hardly cheered for? Not everyone can be an A-lister like Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Barack Obama. Most of them are "That-dude-who-played-that-dude-disguised-as-another-dude".
This is a list of those actors who've done so much in their career creating a vast array of characters, that they deserve our respect, but we're too busy checking out the latest phones online. They've been ignored by awards and the public at large since they've been doing small roles to acting in otherwise bad movies. This list is completely biased and you can add in the comments section if there's a Hollywood actor out there who needs our love. This is the list of...
Top 5 less popular Hollywood actors that need our love
#5 : Robert Pattinson
Image courtesy Wikipedia, since I didn't want to Google this asshole's name
Just kidding! Fuck this guy!
#5 : It's a tie - Ewan McGregor
For those who watch movies, you may know him as the guy from the new (horrendous)Star Wars trilogy. For those who love movies, you will know him as the heroine addict, Renton from Trainspotting. Ignoring the much hated prequel trilogy as a younger Obi Wan Kenobi, McGregor has portrayed a Southern naive young man in Tim Burton's Big Fish(2003) as well as Jim Carrey's love interest(yes, love interest) in I Love You Phillip Norris(2009).
I like him personally since he's an avid motorcycle traveler, having traveled from his native country of England to USA via Russia(aka, the long route) all the while helping UNICEF in the countries he crossed. Why aren't the ladies swooning over Mr. NiceGregor yet?
Ewan McGregor is the definition of non-eccentric theater actor who keeps getting small and insignificant roles in mediocre movies. He needs a pat on the back and some oil for his bike.
Recommended watch: Trainspotting, I love You Phillip Norris, The Ghost Writer, Big Fish, The Men Who Stare at Goats
Not recommended: The Star Wars prequel trilogy
#5 : It's a tie - Idris Elba
I didn't add Idris Elba to not seem racist. He'd completely slipped my mind till I saw Pacific Rim(2013) once again in theaters. Apart from the awesomeness of giant robots punching giant monsters in the face, I noticed that the best parts of the movie were the scenes with this man.
I would think that you can make any movie awesome by putting in Idris Elba. Take Prometheus(2012) for instance. The set design and production was amazing but the story was convoluted at best(screenplay vomit at worst). The filler scenes which happens so that we can digest(regurgitate) the plot, weren't boring due to the his character of Captain Janek. You might think I'm giving him far too much credit and you would be wrong.
I'm not a huge fan of the (obligatory)Thor movies(2011, 2013), but apart from Sir Anthony Hopkins and the delightful Tom Hiddleston, only Elba stands out as non interchangeable character
Sadly, despite being a competent actor who can play both menacing as well as compassionate, Elba needs to get more roles to show off his acting chops. Let's give him a thumbs up for his talent and one more for that moustache.
Recommended watch: The Thor movies, RocknRolla, Pacific Rim, Mandela: The Walk to Freedom
Not recommended: Prometheus, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence
#4 : Bryan Cranston
Why is the much beloved Heisenberg on this list? Hasn't he been getting enough attention now that Breaking Bad ended? Well, you may be surprised to know how this man appears in almost every movie in smaller roles. Except for Little Miss Sunshine(2006) and Argo(2012), you'd have hardly noticed him in Saving Private Ryan(1998), The Lincoln Lawyer(2011), Contagion(2011), Rock of All Ages(2012) among many other movies. But what really made me impressed with Walter White is his resume on voice acting in a whole lot of different characters - Vitaly the Russian tiger in Madagascar 3, Slizzard the nasal voiced villain in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, James Gordon in Batman: Year One and several characters in The Simpsons and other animated shows. He even played the voice of Ram in Ramayan: The Legend of Prince Pam in the English dub. Best part? He'll be in the upcoming Godzilla remake as well as having a role in the next Kung Fu Panda. After all, he is the one who knocks. Give this great man a hug! Recommended watch: Argo, The Lincoln Lawyer, Little Miss Sunshine Not recommended: Slizzard episode in Power Rangers, Total Recall, John Carter, Drive. (Just checkout YouTube for those clips.)
#3 : Edward Norton
Poor Eddy! He was nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar on his debut role as a molested and later murderous alter boy with multiple personality disorder. He lost to Cuba Gooding Jr's portrayal in Jerry McGuire(1996). He was once again nominated for his role in American History X(1998) as a racist skin head. This time he lost to Roberto Begnini and his 20 cups of coffee. While the elitist buffoons failed to acknowledge him, we'll forever remember the menacing "There never was an Aaron, Counsellor" and Derek Vinyard's eerie smirk while being arrested for brutally murdering a black man in cold blood just minutes ago. Most people recognize him as the Narrator from Fight Club(1999). He made us empathetic towards the everyman as much as he did for the neo-Nazi and a murder suspect. He's an example of someone who looks similar in every role but is entirely a different person. Let us pray to the movie gods to bestow upon this poor talented man, better roles and better opportunities to shine, which has evaded him as much as he has evaded the limelight. Recommended watch: Primal Fear, The People vs. Larry Flynt, American History X, Fight Club, The Italian Job, Moonrise Kingdom and a 10 second cameo in The Dictator. Not recommended: Kingdom of Heaven, The Illusionist, The Incredible Hulk, The Painted Veil
#2 : Guy Pearce
Easily my favourite actor in the list for several reasons. He's good looking, talented and has done a variety of roles and people hardly know him other than Memento(2000). Granted, that is one of the best movies of all time, it still didn't showcase Pearce for what he fully is. Hardly anyone knows his role as an annoying drag queen in the little known Australian comedyThe Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert(1994). While he was floating along playing minor roles and (far)side characters in landmark movie L.A. Confidential(1997) and The King's Speech(2010), no one bothered to notice this man changing physically and mentally for each role. I was watching a neigh unheard of movie Lockout(2012) on TV when I noticed that the acerbic bulked up protagonist looked remarkably similar to a bulked up Guy Pearce. Only when the credits rolled(yes, I saw the whole thing) did I know that I was looking at Guy Pearce, the only saving grace of a drab and clichéd sci-fi film.
He was equally witty and charming as the villain in Iron Man 3(2013), a role I felt mirrored the already witty and charming Robert Downey Jr. But far from the onscreen and internet sensation that is Robert Downey, Pearce remains in the shadows of greater actors and bad movies. How about we invite Guy Pearce for nice dinner and ask him why he doesn't believe in god?
Recommended watch: The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, L.A. Confidential, Memento, The Proposition, The King's Speech, Lockout(Just for his role), Lawless and Iron Man 3 Not recommended: Ravenous, The Time Machine, The Count of Monte Cristo, Prometheus
#1 : Gary Oldman
Gary Oldman is the cinematic chameleon that people hardly notice, with just a single Oscar nomination. Watch the above video, he's played a Wanna-be Jamaican pimp, JFK's assassin, a comical bad guy in the Fifth Element with a southern accent, the menacing badguy in Leon: The Professional, unrecognizable as Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols, a witty gay poet, Dracula and of course, the most realistic Commissioner James Gordon this side of trimmed moustaches.
Watch the video above and you'll know what I mean.
This is all apart from the fact that he did the voices as the villain in Quest for Camelot and Kung Fu Panda 2. No one has been proficient enough playing the bad guy while being a good actor. Gary Oldman deserves a standing ovation for being the most unsung hero after Mr. Hoffman's passing. And you thought he only played Sirius Black. Recommended watch: Sid and Nancy, Prick Up Your Ears, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, JFK, Bram Stoker's Dracula, True Romance, Léon: The Professional, The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Quest for Camelot, Dark Knight trilogy, Kung Fu Panda 2, Harry Potter series. Not recommended: Lost in Space, A Christmas Carol, Planet 51, The Book of Eli and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Let's start with the obvious one here. In case you haven't noticed, this planet seems to have a human problem. Our technology and fast reproduction rates are killing the planet faster than the rights of a Bollywood movie being sold to a television network to compensate for the poor box office performance. I conducted a survey with 100 random couples in India and they all unanimously asked me to get out of their bedroom. But if these 100 couples didn't have children, then the number of people lesser on this planet will decrease exponentially within a century, as opposed to procreation.
Instead of repeatedly hearing "Save the planet for our children", you can simply just choose not to have children who will be the primary cause of ruin of this planet you are trying to save for. Even if your restraint does not lead to any improvement in the condition of the planet, relax, now the children you DIDN'T have won't have to endure the horrendous experience called Earth.
If the plan does work, eventually, humans will go extinct. Nothing negative about that happening. So stop being selfish and do your planet a favour!
With humanity gone, who will like my status update
#4 : Your facebook friends will not have to hate you
Would you like it if I came up to you and started slapping you across the face with photos of my cat? You wouldn't? Aww!
I too really love my cat and she poops on the floor too, if we keep her indoors. I too find even the littlest things she does as endearing and cute. It's just that I chose to keep it to myself. If I choose to post half a million photos of my cat on my FB page, you will judge me as someone who has nothing better to do in life. Well then, I shall go ahead and judge you as a boring imbecile who has nothing better to do in life than let other people know that their obsession with their own offspring is rational.
Yes, I know there are others like you who support your infatuation with likes and comments. Yeah, they've nothing better to do with their lives either. Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go put my cat to sleep with a bedtime story.
My cat; will post the other 1,563,098,133 photos ASAP
#3 : More time to focus on your marriage(more sexy time)
Let's face it, married couples who have children were either getting bored with their marriage or just decided to start using a cheaper brand of condom. How about you man up and face that mundane wedlock!
Imagine if a couple is unable to have children in ANY way. They would be forced to become more interesting people so as to keep their spouse entertained for the rest of eternity. Everyday would end with 'Oh God! I've to think of things to talk about tomorrow' since you don't have a wailing bacteria factory to keep you distracted. This pressure to perform would either make you a more captivating human being, or would lead to suicide or divorce, which ever is cheaper(suicide).
Also, no more 'just missionary' for you losers! You come from the land of Kamasutra, read the damn book already! Try position number 51a, yes, the one with the goat and car battery.
Always a good remedy for boring marriages
#2 : No more Aunties
I don't mean your parent's sisters. I mean the ones who make boring small talk, watch and hence promote useless TV and want everyone around them to get married so that they too can be fat and miserable like them. Seriously, no one likes them!But Indian women are beautiful. What turns these beautiful creatures into balls of snobbery and annoyance? Could it be that a woman can only transform into an Aunty after having a child(Read : someone to boss over) ? Show me a woman who obsesses about their children and I'll show you a woman who would be absolutely bored with her life once the children try to figure out lives of their own. If the child bites the bullet and rebels against their Mother, she would have her hands full and would be preoccupied. If the child does bend down to the Mother's whims, she would only seek to defeat other lives as well.
The ONLY accepted Aunty there is
#1 : Narcotics!
So what do you do with your life if you an uninteresting person. How about drugs? You know you've always wanted to try them. You're only keeping away since you will be judged by society. Now that you're no longer going to become someone's role model, might as well try it, you may end up liking it.
This will soon be followed by by a phase where you gain the confidence to pursue your dream(unless you get addicted) and you will set forth to achieve your one true goal, that thing you were meant for. Due to the abysmal condition of reality, you will mostly end up failing miserably and end in a deep depression which would end in prostitution, more drugs and a sad death. If you are a quitter that is. Those who really deserve it, will try and try again till they reach the levels befit of them.
So not having children will cleanse mankind of the quitters and push them down to the lowest of strati, while only the great ones will excel. Can't wait to get started!
If you ain't out of your mind yet, you're not trying hard enough
Ever since the dawn of man, there has been one exalted creature that has been doing everything in his power to do nothing for us. This is, THE INDIAN POLICEMAN. You will see these revered organisms glide across your daily lives with the grace and poise of a dysfunctional fighter jet crash on a school house full of handicapped children. From their menial pay to their aggressive personal bias, they've become a popular target of love and sovereignty in our society. Ever wonder why? Here are the...
Top 5 tasks Indian Policemen are good for
#5 : Forcing people to leave from places
You are a busy person and you need to be places. You may not realise this but your friendly neighborhood Policeman does. So he makes sure you leave the area you are in so that you can be more productive. Whether you are breaking the imaginary curfew or just standing around with hands in your pockets, the guardians of our generative capacity will approach you with extreme prejudice and inform you, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". 'There' being which ever area they preside over.
Now you are ready to become a contributing member of society once again. Do not forget to thank the Policeman for the harshness in his tone when ejecting you out of your idleness. You had no reason to be there in the first place. What do you think this is? A free country?
Obama approves of this method
Evidence[1] : I was standing with a group of friends on the pavement of a major road in Bangalore. It was past 11'o clock, when all good people go to sleep and dream of good people things and bad people come out to do bad people things. Policemen materialised right next to us and told us to, you guessed it, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". We tried to reason and rationalise with them but were bowled over by their logic of "COZ WE SAID SO". We saluted them before leaving and resolved to become better citizens to the great country they do not want to serve.
#4 : Shouting at things
With great power comes the great need to exercise it. India happens to be a crime free country, so the Indian Policemen need to vent their awesome righteousness elsewhere. If they don't, the pent up energy of justice will cause the reality to implode on itself. To prevent all existence from being destroyed and to kill boredom, the Indian Policemen have devised an ingenious method of SHOUTING AT THINGS! Shouting also has the the obvious advantages like:-
Better clarity in the message conveyed.
Assertion of seriousness in what is stated.
Prevention of implosion of the known universe.
Noise pollution enriches Mother Nature.
Even Indian Policemen use Colgate(C) with active crystals
Evidence[2] : I was trying to overtake a car with my two wheeler when, out of nowhere, came a huge line of police cars and vans escorting a Politician/Government official/Rich guy. The car in front missed me by inches and the policeman sitting in the back poked his head out of the car and yelled "LEARN TO RIDE, MOTHERFUCKER". Had he not yelled, I wouldn't have been so fortunate to have heard what he said from all the ambient noise. To this day I hope to impress that Policeman by learning to ride properly, or sacrifice myself under his wheel in the next encounter. I don't deserve a second chance.
#3 : Upholding religious values
We all know gender equality is a joke and there are only female gods(the correct term to use, not 'goddesses') because of the 33% quota for women in the list of gods. So hating women, amongst other things, is an essential part of religion. That and hatred against other religions, which are so totally false and shit yo! What else does religion teach us? Hate people who speak a different language. Hate people who eat different food. Hate people. Hate things. Now you are too weak to hate things openly, but not your Policeman(LUCKY!). If you harass people for being different from you at your work, you will most likely get fired. But not the Policeman! It's part of his job. Ain't it wonderful?
Not in India you can't Miss Trouble maker
Evidence A[3]: Bangalore, a man comes to complain at a Police station about his girlfriend's family, who're pretty much keeping her under house arrest for falling in love with him. Both met in the respectable(?) IT company they work in. Obviously it's their fault for falling in love and being in a steady relation for a few years. Policeman : No no! This complaint is false! Man : Sir, but her family is keeping her home and torturing her everyday. Policeman : This girl Hindu and you Muslim no? Man : Uh, yes, Sir. Policeman : Go! You go man! You want to make her prostitute. Her family knows correct way to take care of her. Man : BUT... Policeman : You give me your number. I will call you when I need prostitute. Man : ...... Evidence B[4]: Bombay (or Mumbai or whatever), Social worker comes to a Police station with a slum dweller girl. Social worker : Sir! I want to complain about a case of harassment against this girl by her neighbor. Policeman : No madam, no case. Social worker : But Sir! He shouts at this girl and masturbates everyday when she walks by. Girl : ...... Policeman : Any touchings? Social worker : Well, no. BUT... Policeman : You take this number and call when real rape happens madam! Social worker : ...... Girl : (cries) Evidence C[5]: Young people partying/attending concert/loitering Policeman : You yeng peoples! Insulting kul-char of India! Attack! Yeng person : But sir! I was just... Policeman : Talking back ah? You are now charged for all the thefts and kidnappings in India. And some in Uganda. Yeng person : But sir! Why... Policeman : I don't like you! That's why! Yeng person : ......
#2 : Keeping the weak and poor from rebelling
Give the rich and powerful a break! They already have enough going on for them, with all the mass looting and money grabbing. Sure it's your money, but unlike you, they've earned it. They also have the extra trouble to giving money to other people and getting luxurious stuff, like diamond studded swimming pools and solid gold SUVs. Sounds exhausting! Managing all that and a million servants. Why would you want them to treat you equally? You're not equal to them.
It's people like these that require the service of Policemen rather than you. So any time you raise your voice to make a statement or protest, wone tight slaaap for you wonly! Student? Slap! Farmer? Slap! Rape victim? Double slap! Why didn't you call the number when the rape was happening?
Oppression can also be spelled as P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S
Evidence[6] : Many people were protesting at a hospital for a rape victim or something. They wanted the victim to be moved to a better hospital. Now the Police can't have that! Better hospitals are for rich people to go to for their expensive skeletal replacement surgery and to remove the golden cutlery from their anus. To prevent this unwanted crowd in places for people with wanted money, the Policeman slaps the shit out of one of the protesters. Since he didn't want to get slapped back, he chose a weaker opponent, a woman! Needless to say, his inaction put the victim in the hospital from rape and brutality, but at least his action kept her in the hospital. Victory!
#1 : Career option in the movies
You know the drill. Good guy needs to clean up the place, he either becomes the Policeman or beats up the Policeman. Just think of 5 Indian movies you've seen recently WITHOUT a single Policeman. Didn't think so. Thank you Policeman!
FUCK YEAH!
Evidence[7] : Check out the image above.
Notes:- [1] - Try doing the same on any main road, especially in Bangalore. [2] - Happens a lot in Kerala. So many ministers, so few roads to avoid them. [3] - Bangalore, the under developed(read:backward) areas. [4] - Child F in article. Her body was found naked and in pieces later. [5] - Mumbai Moral policing, to name one series of incidents. [6] - Atleast the policeman was suspended right? [7] - Check out the image above.
This post is brought to you bybrandmile(India's most exclusive shoppping club)and my general hatred towards fashion and anything related. You know brandmile is awesome by all the lower case letters and the extra ‘p’ in ‘shopping’. I’m not kidding, google it now and check.
#5 : Stop Child abuse
Recently, there was a thing going on in Facebook, where they asked everyone to change their display pic to that of a cartoon for a week. As gay as this sounds, I too, took part. Only recently did I find out that this was some elaborate scheme to stop child violence. Here’s the proof for those who didn’t know.
This doesn’t sound naive and pointless at all. I’m sure all those child abusers out there tremble at the power of the facebook display pic. If nothing, everyone is ‘aware’ of the child abuse problem only after putting a cartoon as your display pic. So I’m thinking, why stop there? Don’t just put up display pics of your favourite toons, dress like them. Now the already trembling child abusers will be on the knees begging for forgiveness from the costumed kids/freaks. Only way this can backfire is if those abusers like fantasising and roleplay!
#4 : Women’s T-Shirts with the cute captions
I’m all for equality, but girls who wear “Hottie” and “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing” are just a dark alley away from achieving their goals. But who am I to stop the women’s liberation, I just meant that the message should be clearer than those convoluted pretend-cutsey tees.
#3 : REALLY low rider jeans
Low rider jeans was the greatest invention before the sliced bread. Everyone enjoys looking at most of your underwear and get a sneak at your ass crack. But now fashion needs to grow and this trend needs a major modification, like maybe pulling your pants down, ALL the way.
PROS:
ØGlobal warming can’t affect you, the air circulation is just too good
ØYou don’t need to wait that extra few seconds when going to the bathroom
ØPeople won’t be so conscious about their shoes anymore
CONS:
ØRapists
ØWalking is a difficulty, so is running(esp important when being chased by rapists)
ØUm.....Wallets?
#2 : Clowning all the way
Women like to do their job and make men laugh and/or have sex with them. That is why they put on so much make up, to look like clowns and/or prostitutes that cater exclusively to clowns. To add to the sex appeal, put on big red rubber noses, which doubles for safe clown sex (RUBBER noses).
#1 : She-Fe-Male
A woman who dresses like a man is SEXY has hell. A man who dresses like a woman is... FASHION. If you were going to say ‘Gay’ or ‘Transvestite’ then you are a hindrance to progress, of fashion. Eventually all men should have bleached white skins, no facial hair, pretty pink shirts, nail polish, high heels and the ability to bear children! HA! Take that Harley Davidson, Metallica and anything that’s manly!
