How to start your own religion [Examples from comments]

Hey there! You look like an intelligent enough person. Are you bored with your life? Tired of being the only smart person in a sea of sheeple? Looks like this guide is just the thing you need! What better way to pass time than inventing a set of rules to manipulate narrow minded simpletons, right?
To help you out with examples, the following steps contain comments taken from the news website regarding what people talk about the latest religion on the market 'Modism', the religion where Gujarat CM Narendra Modi is always right and you suck.
DISCLAIMER : IBNlive is owned by TV18 Broadcast Ltd and Time Warner Inc. I've just taken screenshots from their websites and I do not own anything regarding IBNlive, not even a single goat's hair from the goat that guards the IBNlive fortress built in Transylvania. I've taken the liberty to black out real names. You're welcome. What? You didn't want your public opinions be used and mocked out of context? Welcome to the internet bitch! Blah blah blah other legal stuff.

Step 1 : Pick a messiah

You kind of need that. Messiah is just an initial title. Later, the candidate can be referred to a 'God' or 'Lord Almighty' or any such meaningless words which start with a capital letter. This subject will henceforth be reffered to as 'Sham' for simplicity's sake.
Just go ahead and select a Sham who's popular, kind of good looking, says/said seemingly wise things and is lovable. Few examples of people who can't be selected are:-
  • Oscar Schindler - not popular enough
  • Zach Galifianakis - not that good looking
  • Sean Connery - No one understands what he's saying
  • Nikola Tesla - clearly not lovable as he didn't wish me Happy Birthday this year, and the year before, and the year before...
  • You - you're not popular, you're wasting your time reading random blogs
A possible candidate

Step 2 : Exaggerate the Sham's achievements

Believe it or not, not everyone might be impressed by your Sham straight away. They require evidence and information before they decide to invest themselves emotionally and spiritually in your Sham. But fear not, these rebels can be easily curbed as their level of information gathering and analysis is purely supreficial. You just need to go ahead and nudge some information in their general direction. By information, I mean bloated realities based on supposed rumours and gossip. It helps to crowbar in your personal bias and/or agenda while spreading this (mis)information.
Here are a few examples of the Modists promoting their Sham. Observe that good language helps propagate the information as authentic and reliable.


Step 3 : Abolish logic

Logic is a pain. Endoursing in logic requires thought process, consistency, reason to name a few. Besides, logic is something that's relative. By repeatedly being illogical and supporting nonesense, you'd have created a new logic. One that fits your motives. The above sentences did not make any sense to you even thought I am correct? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Now you're (not) getting it!


Step 4 : Latch onto patriotism

Patriotism sells. It is an already popular notion. So you can bye-pass the need for hard work and simply ride the wave of credibility it already has. Ignore the fact that the patriotism runs only so deep as war, sports events and drunken conversations. Link every idea you convey to patriotism. The advantage is two fold. Those who agree with the concept of patriotism(aforementioned superficial patriots) will begin to agree with you. Those who disagree with you directly becomes an enemy of the country as well, a trait we will exploit in later steps.

Step 5 : Attack the opposition

A direct lead in from the previous step. Opposition will always crop up to hinder your progress. Now that you've already gathered a bunch of followers who've replaced the void in their lives with your religion, they'll consider any opposition as threat to their newly discovered pseudo sanctity.
The best way to attack the opposition is not through logic, as we've already done away with it. By arguing with the opposition will be fighting them at their level. Instead, we will personally attack them at our level. Once again, use the perverse priciples of logic and patriotism to assault. Popular methods include "UR GAY!!" and murder, as well as everything that comes in between. All's fair in love and war. Happy hunting!
The below examples by Modists are Amartya Sen(the person who mentioned he wouldn't support Modi) and the website IBNLive itself(irony?).

Step 6 : Random irrelevant references

A major part of promoting your religion is to shove it into everyone else's face and prying it into any and all conversations. It's simply advertising. Through word(and force) of mouth, the religion spreads and prospers. Make sure your (un)wise words are spewed in places which have absolutely no connection or context to what you're actually saying.
The third and last comment in the below list is the pinnacle of forced advertisement. My eyes teared up.

Step 7 : Rhetoric

rhet·o·ric [ret-er-ik] [noun]
1. (in writing or speech) the undue use of exaggeration or display; bombast.
2. the art or science of all specialized literary uses of language in prose or verse, including the figures of speech.
FINALLY, give your words (which will now be called 'preachings') some class by implementing poetry. It doesn't matter how bad you are at it. Just do it!

In conclusion

Now that you have your own religion going on for you, do not forget to utilise it for the following agendas:-
  • Propagating your own ideas.
  • Forcing your thoughts on others.
  • Financially profits with tax benefits.
  • Sexual exploitation.
  • Living outside the perimeters of the law.
And many more. Have fun!

Anatomy of a Malayalam movie [New and 'Old' generation]

New Generation movies

Don't get me wrong, movies like Ustad Hotel, 22 Female Kottayam, Beautiful and Salt 'n' Pepper are among my list of favourite films. This is just for the other 95% of the movies any person with access to a camera, Adobe Premier and a rich Dubai relative's assets bring onto the box office.

Name : Random English words/Poetic Malayalam words

Poster : Face of the characters in the movie (minimum 5, maximum every cast member), all of whom are looking in random directions. Only two of the actors are previously known.

Written by : Unknown

Directed by : Unknown

Dialogue and Plot summary :

This movie is set in a city where everyone overdoes the colloquial slang.
The protagonist is morally ambiguous/weak.
Random character 1 : Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! 
Random character 2 : Weed! Weed! Weed! Weed! 
Random character 3 : (bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep) !
A female character has sex and/or is raped.
Only recognizable actor : Whimsical poetry.
Random character 4 : Random reference to Old malayalam movie.
Someone gets drunk/stoned.
Random character 5 : Random spoof of recently released malayalam movie.
Random character 6 : Prostitutes! Prostitutes! Prostitutes! 
Someone dies abruptly. 
Random character 7 : How many random characters are there in this movie?
Only recognizable actor : My character has grown and I resolve to do things.
All sub plots remain unfinished.

The End.

Audience gives standing ovation having hardly understood anything of what transpired the past few hours. They discuss the improvement of malayalam cinema with their peer group, during the next social gathering.


Audience walk out shaking their heads in disappointment having hardly understood anything of what transpired the past few hours. They discuss the decline of malayalam cinema with their peer group, during the next social gathering.

Reviews : 

'Old' Generation movies

Don't get me wrong again, these are the movies that have come out since the Golden age of Comedy movies ended, sometime during the early 21st century. The ones that preceded those were of a different league entirely.

Name : Something ridiculously stupid.

Poster : That aging actor wearing a wig is in this movie. Since I will gladly give my life for him, I better go spend my hard earned money for his face lift.[Optional] Oh look! Fahad Fasal is also in this movie!

Written by : The personified ego of the main star.

Directed by : A once great director trying to feed his family.

Dialogue and Plot summary :

Insert poorly written songs and/or badly done action sequences every 5 minutes of the movie.
Old actor : Back story through stilted dialogue.
Superstar : Everyone loves my manliness/innocence. 
Everyone : Yes we do!
Obnoxious Young person : I don't!
Comic actor : These 'new generation' assholes!
Superstar : Women are nothing but tools.
Female characters : We agree!
Obnoxious Young person : Such wisdom! I admit the error in my ways.
The vanquished young person disappears.
TV actor with mustache : I'm a bad guy!
Superstar defeats bad guy and finds a cure for AIDS.

The End.


Dileep does the exact same things he did in his previous 978 movies.
Audience pay to see it for the 979th time.

The End.

People forget everything about the movie five minutes after they walk out of the theater. But atleast it was a 'nice family movie'.

Reviews : 

NaMo Yamadeva (Parody of Ra-ra-rasputin) - Lyrics

There lives a certain man in Gandhinagar now,
He is bright and saffron, with a white beard that is wow!
Minorities look at him with terror and with fear
But to Middle class prigs, his words they bring a tear.

Come to listen, to his many speeches
pulling many a crowd.
If you catch, what he really teaches,
Hitler would be proud.
NaMo Yamadeva!
Lover of a country clean
His heart is gold, his brain made of lead.
NaMo Yamadeva!
India's greatest spiel machine
You talk against him, and it's your head!
He ruled with a hand, both noble and so gay
With his other hand, he sold it on eBay.
His only competition? A dim witted child,
with a famous name and I liked the way he smiled.

For the people he was a holy leader
though they've heard the things he'd done.
They believed, he was the one to prefer
over the ones who now govern.
NaMo Yamadeva!
Owner of the India gene,
He only wants his love to be spread.
NaMo Yamadeva!
Hater of the colour green,
Atleast that's what his PR guy said!
But when his talking and preaching and his hunger
for power became known to more and more people,
the demands to make this man the Prime Minister
became louder and louder.
"This man is pure evil!" decalred his enemies,
But his fans were pissed "teri maa ki ankh" they wheeze.
No doubt this little man, had lots of hidden charms
he said yes to corps and ignored all the farms.

All the idiots, the facebook daily suffers,
shared and liked their latest craze
"I just love him, while the video buffers"
Regressing to their porn phase
NaMo Yamadeva!
Develop this nation please
you are the shiniest of the two turds
NaMo Yamadeva!
We will go down on our kness
and flock to you like domestic heards
NaMo Yamadeva!
We are out of ideas
We'll make a Big Brother, out of thee
NaMo Yamadeva!
Like the bloody Koreas
Destroy this planet with World War THREE!
... oooooooom namo kamala!

Man of Steel in a nutshell

Krypton aka Mish-mash of every sci-fi alien world EVER

General Maximus : MUST...SEND...SON...INTO...OUTER...SPACE!
Superman's Mom : Why though?
General Maximus : Our planet is dying, Angry Michael Shannon is doing military things and our son will bring peace and harmony to his new home. It is the only way to save our race.
Superman's Mom : .....
General Maximus : Come on man! It's not like we have much to work with. We can't take too much liberty with the source material. The fans will raise a shit storm on the internet.
Angry Michael Shannon : Kneel before ZOD!...uh, I mean...I am now a realistic military leader. I shall start a coup to show how realistic I am.
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! This is all so dark and realistic and Russel Crowe's beard!
General Maximus : I must hurry, I must take the weird skull thing from the chamber of Kryptonian baby pods and magic.
Superman's Mom : What is the skull thing? What is the baby pod thing? Why is it left unguarded if it's so fucking important? Why can't we go with our son?
General Maximus : This is why Superman's Mom didn't have any dialogue in the other versions.
Angry Michael Shannon : I KEEL YOU! But I respect you. But I KEEL YOU!
General Maximus : My name is Spandex-ass Emotionless Jor El in a dress. Father to a Messiah son, husband to a generic wife, and I shall have my revenge, in this movie or it's sequel.
Old Important Kryptonians : For being a total asshole, we sentence you to a dysfunctional carbonite prison for a gazillion years in the Phantom Zone, which is apparently located right outside our atmosphere. You will stay there in a fully functional galaxy traversing world destroying ship until your sentence is served or in the event our entire planet is destroyed. But we all know that won't happen, am I right or am I right?
Superman's Mom : Ain't it the truth.
Angry Michael Shannon : YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Planet Krypton : Um guys, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while about the mortgage.

Planet Earth aka 'MERICA!

Sad Superman : Oh woe is me. I'm so depressed. I roam the planet looking for the perfect Gilette© razor blade to shave my beard of steel.
Gilette© execs : Remember kids, you too can have the perfect chin of steel if you shave with Gilette©, the best a man of steel can get.
Sad Superman : Hey look! People are in trouble somewhere within my vicinity again. Oh joy! Now I get to help them out and show off my abs. But I'm not all about action, I'm also a deeply etched character as my flashback will reveal my foster father telling me how important I am.


Aging Kevin Costner : You are important!

End flashback

Sad Superman : That drunk redneck trucker is being an asshole to girl.
Drunk Redneck : 'Cause that's what we rednecks do, get drunk, molest women and assault guys twice our size, not because it makes sense, but because Superman can show how awesome his powers of restraint are. 
Sad Superman : I can't punch him in the face and kill him, but I can destroy his truck for some cheap applause.
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! I've always wanted to do that to all my bullies!
Sad Superman : Time for another flashback about my foster father telling me about my powers.


Aging Kevin Costner : With great powers come great res...DAMMIT!

End flashback

Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : I am obviously a good reporter, since my camera can take photos of people walking in the snow, in the dark, in a distance.
Nikon© execs : Remember kids, you too can be a kickass reporter, with your Nikon© camera, now with 2 years warranty and a 16GB memory card.
Sad Superman : FINALLY! I've found the spaceship of my ancestors. Now we can get the plot moving.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Not before you save my life while I haplessly follow you and establish our Twilight-esque relationship for the sequels.
Ghost of General Maximus : Supes, your father!

Sad Superman : I have so many questions!
Ghost of General Maximus : Krypton was once awesome then then it wasn't and we all died. The end.
Sad Superman : What the...?
Ghost of General Maximus : Now you shall wear this blue outfit, which was the underwear on our planet. And this cape, 'cause capes are bitchin'!
Sad Superman : Seriously dude, this spaceship is 20000 years old. You can't have planned THAT far ahead.
Ghost of General Maximus : You will be a God to these people, they will worship you, they will kill in your name, they will write a vague book about you and they must accept you if they are to go to heaven. For you are a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a dark kni...DAMMIT!

Daily Planet aka A place full of people we should care about but don't

Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : I want to write a story about my mysterious savior.
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : I don't want to write a story about my mysterious savior anymore.
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Random woman : Look, some alien person is broadcasting a creepy message across the planet in different languages to all countries.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Wait! There are languages other than English? Wait! There are countries other than America?
Random woman : Look! It's in my Nokia© phone as well.
Nokia© execs : Remember kids, only a Nokia© phone can intercept alien broadcasts.
Angry Michael Shannon : I threaten you, citizens of Earth, though you haven't the slightest idea of my capabilities. Now complete this impossible task within 36 of your Earth hours, a time unit which I somehow happen to know about.

Smallville aka Middle of nowhere, Kansas

Sad Superman : I come to this church, Father, in search of questions. So that even the most dimwitted audience members will get the religious undertones of this movie.
Priest : What do you think will happen, my son?
Sad Superman : The shit's about to hit the fan yo.
Priest : A little action would be a great relief from all this brooding. I mean, it's not like the rest of the movie is just going to be one long tedious action sequence.
Sad Superman : I surrender, for the sake of humanity.
Generic military person : Holy shit! I was expecting tentacles and green skin. This is just a flying guy who works out a lot.
Sad Superman : I want to talk to Lois Lane, for the sake of forcing that relationship into this movie.
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! They're perfect for each other!
Hot chick in armor : Michael Shannon demands that the Pulitzer Prize winning woman be brought with Superman, so that she can be in trouble and he can save her at some point.
Angry Michael Shannon : Hey! How ya doin'? I'm the bad guy for this movie and I will destroy this planet and build my planet's foundation upon it's ruins.
Sad Superman : Isn't this the plot from Transformers: Dark of the moon?
Hot chick in armor : You talk too much, let's fight!

436 hours later

Half of Smallville : (dead)
Sad Superman : (doesn't care)
Generic military person : Kill Superman!
Sad Superman : But I saved your life.
Generic military person : I guess I was wrong about you Supes, ol pal, ol buddy. Let's work together!
Half of Smallville : (still dead)

Some spaceship aka You really can't tell the difference

Angry Michael Shannon : Aha! I've adapted to this planet and have become all badass.
Ghost of General Maximus : Which kinda negates the concept of you having to convert this planet into another Krypton. Kryptonians would be like Gods on this planet.
Ghost of General Maximus : Too late. I've already told the Pulitzer Prize winning Earth girl on how to defeat you guys and kill every Kryptonian except my son. Who will be heralded as a God.
Angry Michael Shannon : Dude! Do you want to save our race or just watch your son walk on water?
Ghost of General Maximus : I'm not really sure myself.
Angry Michael Shannon : Whatever! Initiate CGI sequence #723C. Giant tripod with space laser and hentai tentacles heading for random location and the city which Superman will inhabit in the sequels.

Metropolis aka Not New York but totally New York

Random woman : Help! Save me before the space laser kills me.
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Time to stop that machine from killing millions of innocent people, but not before we accidentally kill millions of innocent people.
Generic military person : How are you even in this military aircraft?
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Every Pulitzer Prize winner gets a VIP Gold pass, which gains us access to every plot location no matter how ridiculous it seems like.
Random woman : OH NO! We're all gonna DIE!
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Generic military person : Not if I have a military aircraft to ram into the giant tripod. Hello boys! I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Sad Superman : I'll save you Lois and not anyone else!
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : My hero! Let's make out!
Half of Metropolis : (dead)
Angry Michael Shannon : Not if my newly discovered ability to fly and shoot laser from my eyes have anything to say about it. Let's fight!

322 hours later

Other half of Metropolis : (dead)
Angry Michael Shannon : Well, I have no one left to kill, save for that wholesome American family in the corner.
Zack Snyder : I think I've out done the death toll in the Avengers and 300 combined. Go ahead Supes, break the bastard's neck, but be all sad about it.
Sad Superman : But why?
Zack Snyder : 'Cause this movie is DARK and REALISTIC!
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! Superman is so tormented by killing Michael Shannon.
Sad SupermanNow for my last trick, I shall need five small loaves of barley bread and two small fish.
Christopher Nolan : Listen to this, in the sequel, Superman gets betrayed by Lex Luthor with a kiss. And they crucify him!
Zack Snyder : GENIUS!


Top 5 reasons why NOT to have children

#5 : Population control

Let's start with the obvious one here. In case you haven't noticed, this planet seems to have a human problem. Our technology and fast reproduction rates are killing the planet faster than the rights of a Bollywood movie being sold to a television network to compensate for the poor box office performance. I conducted a survey with 100 random couples in India and they all unanimously asked me to get out of their bedroom. But if these 100 couples didn't have children, then the number of people lesser on this planet will decrease exponentially within a century, as opposed to procreation.
Instead of repeatedly hearing "Save the planet for our children", you can simply just choose not to have children who will be the primary cause of ruin of this planet you are trying to save for. Even if your restraint does not lead to any improvement in the condition of the planet, relax, now the children you DIDN'T have won't have to endure the horrendous experience called Earth.
If the plan does work, eventually, humans will go extinct. Nothing negative about that happening. So stop being selfish and do your planet a favour!

With humanity gone, who will like my status update

#4 : Your facebook friends will not have to hate you

Would you like it if I came up to you and started slapping you across the face with photos of my cat? You wouldn't? Aww!
I too really love my cat and she poops on the floor too, if we keep her indoors. I too find even the littlest things she does as endearing and cute. It's just that I chose to keep it to myself. If I choose to post half a million photos of my cat on my FB page, you will judge me as someone who has nothing better to do in life. Well then, I shall go ahead and judge you as a boring imbecile who has nothing better to do in life than let other people know that their obsession with their own offspring is rational.
Yes, I know there are others like you who support your infatuation with likes and comments. Yeah, they've nothing better to do with their lives either. Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go put my cat to sleep with a bedtime story.

My cat; will post the other 1,563,098,133 photos ASAP

#3 : More time to focus on your marriage(more sexy time)

Let's face it, married couples who have children were either getting bored with their marriage or just decided to start using a cheaper brand of condom. How about you man up and face that mundane wedlock! 
Imagine if a couple is unable to have children in ANY way. They would be forced to become more interesting people so as to keep their spouse entertained for the rest of eternity. Everyday would end with 'Oh God! I've to think of things to talk about tomorrow' since you don't have a wailing bacteria factory to keep you distracted. This pressure to perform would either make you a more captivating human being, or would lead to suicide or divorce, which ever is cheaper(suicide).
Also, no more 'just missionary' for you losers! You come from the land of Kamasutra, read the damn book already! Try position number 51a, yes, the one with the goat and car battery.

Always a good remedy for boring marriages

#2 : No more Aunties

I don't mean your parent's sisters. I mean the ones who make boring small talk, watch and hence promote useless TV and want everyone around them to get married so that they too can be fat and miserable like them. Seriously, no one likes them! But Indian women are beautiful. What turns these beautiful creatures into balls of snobbery and annoyance? Could it be that a woman can only transform into an Aunty after having a child(Read : someone to boss over) ? Show me a woman who obsesses about their children and I'll show you a woman who would be absolutely bored with her life once the children try to figure out lives of their own. If the child bites the bullet and rebels against their Mother, she would have her hands full and would be preoccupied. If the child does bend down to the Mother's whims, she would only seek to defeat other lives as well.

The ONLY accepted Aunty there is

#1 : Narcotics!

So what do you do with your life if you an uninteresting person. How about drugs? You know you've always wanted to try them. You're only keeping away since you will be judged by society. Now that you're no longer going to become someone's role model, might as well try it, you may end up liking it.
This will soon be followed by by a phase where you gain the confidence to pursue your dream(unless you get addicted) and you will set forth to achieve your one true goal, that thing you were meant for. Due to the abysmal condition of reality, you will mostly end up failing miserably and end in a deep depression which would end in prostitution, more drugs and a sad death. If you are a quitter that is. Those who really deserve it, will try and try again till they reach the levels befit of them.
So not having children will cleanse mankind of the quitters and push them down to the lowest of strati, while only the great ones will excel. Can't wait to get started!

If you ain't out of your mind yet, you're not trying hard enough

What we NEED and DON'T NEED at Indian weddings

Having taken part in the wedding festivities of my Cousin recently, I had more than enough time to look around and figure out what sucks in an Indian wedding and what it misses. I know it was a South Indian Hindu wedding, but I'm pretty sure the following points apply to all Indian weddings.

What we don't need : Stupid formal wedding invitations

You know what I'm talking about. That glorified piece of cardboard with generic wordings. They don't change AT ALL. How about a comic where the groom saves the bride from a fire-breathing dragon! No? Does it differ too much from your mindset of mediocrity and conformity? Well then, given below is the template for EVERY Hindu wedding invitation.

What we need : Nametags

Enclosed within every stupid invitation sent out, should be a name tag where a person can fill in their personal details and come for the wedding. This saves a lot of time wasted trying to remember where you've seen someone before and the most moronic question of "Do you recognize me beta?" can be completely avoided.

What we don't need : Match maker Aunties

There will be those Aunties who are so completely bored with their lives that they must ruin others' for the sake of their sadistic entertainment. If you are single at a wedding, these vultures descent upon you with eyes gleaming of maliciousness and boredom. They start their assault with small talk just to size you up. They have only begun to warm up. 
The real invasion begins with a seemingly innocent question such as "How old are you?". Then comes the full on attack about how they know your uncle's brother-in-laws grandfather's cousin's son's grand daughter/son who is just as ripe as you are for the plucking. Skipping through 15 minutes of diatribe about how one should settle down and have children and what not, they end with a casual parting shot about you being next with the same menacing qualities of Arnie's "I'll be back", except there is no cool background music for them.
Sometimes, if the victim is putting up a struggle, the assailant brings in another Aunty into the fray so as to double the impact. This repeats till the victim gives into the supposedly wonderful match or commits suicide, whichever occurs first.

What we need : BATMAN!

Imagine replacing all the annoying Aunties with the Dark Knight himself. He'd just be walking about introducing himself - "I'M BATMAN!". Or he'll be perching atop a chandelier just gazing down on the crowd looking for punks to beat up with his bare hands. If nothing, he can give the perfect replies to any and all idiotic questions and statements. What can I say, Christopher Nolan has ensured that generations to come can quote the living hell out of the Dark Knight trilogy!

What we don't need : Superstitions

Isn't it wonderful that you need to wait for all the planets to be in perfect alignment and in standing ovation before you can tie the knot? Then you have to wait exactly 3 hours and 20 minutes doing nothing but wait to exit the venue since leaving earlier on a tuesday will cause death by spontaneous combustion to both sets of parents. Now all you need is a previously married couple, a saree, a duck and a Russian war criminal to escort the newly weds to the house where they are expected to fornicate for the first time.
Ah finally! But wait! There's more!
If some random con artist (read : ass-trologer) has read your asses correctly, you can't stay in the same room as your new bride. Why? Because the stars say so. Still not convinced? BECAUSE GOD! Now that you're convinced  let's see what all ceremonies are required before you can clip your toenails.

What we need : Cut to the chase

We all know men get married for the sexy time. Women get married because, well, that's what they were created for. What else? For being all independant and shit? PUH-LEEZE!
So forget all traditions and superstitions. Bride and Groom exchange rings/flowers/DNA/whatever. Bored guests are given food and shooed off. Bride and Groom airlifted to honeymoon location. The End.

What we don't need : Fancy filmy wedding photos

Couples these days are adopting traditions and idiosyncrasies from other cultures for the sake of being different and kewl. It all sounds fun, so have a blast! Just have mercy on your facebook friends when you bombard us with those wedding photos in all those awesometacular poses. It started as a novelty, now it's become the new standard. You don't have to try too hard to be all different. You decided to get married in the first place, which is the most common thing everyone does.
Now a four way live in relationship involving a goat, THAT'S DIFFERENT!

What we don't need : Foreshadowing wedding photos

If a wedded couple should pose in a more realistic manner of the things to come in the rest of their lives, it should involve vegetables. Nothing occupies a married couple's conversation more than vegetables. So why should it not also occupy most of their wedding photos?

Top 5 things Indian Policemen are good for

Ever since the dawn of man, there has been one exalted creature that has been doing everything in his power to do nothing for us. This is, THE INDIAN POLICEMAN. You will see these revered organisms glide across your daily lives with the grace and poise of a dysfunctional fighter jet crash on a school house full of handicapped children. From their menial pay to their aggressive personal bias, they've become a popular target of love and sovereignty in our society. Ever wonder why? Here are the...

Top 5 tasks Indian Policemen are good for

#5 : Forcing people to leave from places

You are a busy person and you need to be places. You may not realise this but your friendly neighborhood Policeman does. So he makes sure you leave the area you are in so that you can be more productive. Whether you are breaking the imaginary curfew or just standing around with hands in your pockets, the guardians of our generative capacity will approach you with extreme prejudice and inform you, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". 'There' being which ever area they preside over.
Now you are ready to become a contributing member of society once again. Do not forget to thank the Policeman for the harshness in his tone when ejecting you out of your idleness. You had no reason to be there in the first place. What do you think this is? A free country?

Obama approves of this method

Evidence[1] : I was standing with a group of friends on the pavement of a major road in Bangalore. It was past 11'o clock, when all good people go to sleep and dream of good people things and bad people come out to do bad people things. Policemen materialised right next to us and told us to, you guessed it, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". We tried to reason and rationalise with them but were bowled over by their logic of "COZ WE SAID SO". We saluted them before leaving and resolved to become better citizens to the great country they do not want to serve.

#4 : Shouting at things

With great power comes the great need to exercise it. India happens to be a crime free country, so the Indian Policemen need to vent their awesome righteousness elsewhere. If they don't, the pent up energy of justice will cause the reality to implode on itself. To prevent all existence from being destroyed and to kill boredom, the Indian Policemen have devised an ingenious method of SHOUTING AT THINGS! Shouting also has the the obvious advantages like:-
  1. Better clarity in the message conveyed.
  2. Assertion of seriousness in what is stated.
  3. Prevention of implosion of the known universe.
  4. Noise pollution enriches Mother Nature.
Even Indian Policemen use Colgate(C) with active crystals
Evidence[2] : I was trying to overtake a car with my two wheeler when, out of nowhere, came a huge line of police cars and vans escorting a Politician/Government official/Rich guy. The car in front missed me by inches and the policeman sitting in the back poked his head out of the car and yelled "LEARN TO RIDE, MOTHERFUCKER". Had he not yelled, I wouldn't have been so fortunate to have heard what he said from all the ambient noise. To this day I hope to impress that Policeman by learning to ride properly, or sacrifice myself under his wheel in the next encounter. I don't deserve a second chance.

#3 : Upholding religious values

We all know gender equality is a joke and there are only female gods(the correct term to use, not 'goddesses') because of the 33% quota for women in the list of gods. So hating women, amongst other things, is an essential part of religion. That and hatred against other religions, which are so totally false and shit yo! What else does religion teach us? Hate people who speak a different language. Hate people who eat different food. Hate people. Hate things. 
Now you are too weak to hate things openly, but not your Policeman(LUCKY!). If you harass people for being different from you at your work, you will most likely get fired. But not the Policeman! It's part of his job. Ain't it wonderful?

Not in India you can't Miss Trouble maker

Evidence A[3]: Bangalore, a man comes to complain at a Police station about his girlfriend's family, who're pretty much keeping her under house arrest for falling in love with him. Both met in the respectable(?) IT company they work in. Obviously it's their fault for falling in love and being in a steady relation for a few years.
Policeman : No no! This complaint is false!
Man : Sir, but her family is keeping her home and torturing her everyday.
Policeman : This girl Hindu and you Muslim no?
Man : Uh, yes, Sir.
Policeman : Go! You go man! You want to make her prostitute. Her family knows correct way to take care of her.
Man : BUT...
Policeman : You give me your number. I will call you when I need prostitute.
Man : ......

Evidence B[4]: Bombay (or Mumbai or whatever), Social worker comes to a Police station with a slum dweller girl.
Social worker : Sir! I want to complain about a case of harassment against this girl by her neighbor.
Policeman : No madam, no case.
Social worker : But Sir! He shouts at this girl and masturbates everyday when she walks by.
Girl : ......
Policeman : Any touchings?
Social worker : Well, no. BUT...
Policeman : You take this number and call when real rape happens madam!
Social worker : ......
Girl : (cries)

Evidence C[5]: Young people partying/attending concert/loitering
Policeman : You yeng peoples! Insulting kul-char of India! Attack!
Yeng person : But sir! I was just...
Policeman : Talking back ah? You are now charged for all the thefts and kidnappings in India. And some in Uganda.
Yeng person : But sir! Why...
Policeman : I don't like you! That's why!
Yeng person : ......

#2 : Keeping the weak and poor from rebelling

Give the rich and powerful a break! They already have enough going on for them, with all the mass looting and money grabbing. Sure it's your money, but unlike you, they've earned it. They also have the extra trouble to giving money to other people and getting luxurious stuff, like diamond studded swimming pools and solid gold SUVs. Sounds exhausting! Managing all that and a million servants. Why would you want them to treat you equally? You're not equal to them.
It's people like these that require the service of Policemen rather than you. So any time you raise your voice to make a statement or protest, wone tight slaaap for you wonly! Student? Slap! Farmer? Slap! Rape victim? Double slap! Why didn't you call the number when the rape was happening?

Oppression can also be spelled as P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S
Evidence[6] : Many people were protesting at a hospital for a rape victim or something. They wanted the victim to be moved to a better hospital. Now the Police can't have that! Better hospitals are for rich people to go to for their expensive skeletal replacement surgery and to remove the golden cutlery from their anus. To prevent this unwanted crowd in places for people with wanted money, the Policeman slaps the shit out of one of the protesters. Since he didn't want to get slapped back, he chose a weaker opponent, a woman! Needless to say, his inaction put the victim in the hospital from rape and brutality, but at least his action kept her in the hospital. Victory!

#1 : Career option in the movies

You know the drill. Good guy needs to clean up the place, he either becomes the Policeman or beats up the Policeman. Just think of 5 Indian movies you've seen recently WITHOUT a single Policeman. Didn't think so. Thank you Policeman!

Evidence[7] : Check out the image above.

[1] - Try doing the same on any main road, especially in Bangalore.
[2] - Happens a lot in Kerala. So many ministers, so few roads to avoid them.
[3] - Bangalore, the under developed(read:backward) areas.
[4] - Child F in article. Her body was found naked and in pieces later.
[5] - Mumbai Moral policing, to name one series of incidents.
[6] - Atleast the policeman was suspended right?
[7] - Check out the image above.

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