What we NEED and DON'T NEED at Indian weddings

Having taken part in the wedding festivities of my Cousin recently, I had more than enough time to look around and figure out what sucks in an Indian wedding and what it misses. I know it was a South Indian Hindu wedding, but I'm pretty sure the following points apply to all Indian weddings.

What we don't need : Stupid formal wedding invitations

You know what I'm talking about. That glorified piece of cardboard with generic wordings. They don't change AT ALL. How about a comic where the groom saves the bride from a fire-breathing dragon! No? Does it differ too much from your mindset of mediocrity and conformity? Well then, given below is the template for EVERY Hindu wedding invitation.

What we need : Nametags

Enclosed within every stupid invitation sent out, should be a name tag where a person can fill in their personal details and come for the wedding. This saves a lot of time wasted trying to remember where you've seen someone before and the most moronic question of "Do you recognize me beta?" can be completely avoided.

What we don't need : Match maker Aunties

There will be those Aunties who are so completely bored with their lives that they must ruin others' for the sake of their sadistic entertainment. If you are single at a wedding, these vultures descent upon you with eyes gleaming of maliciousness and boredom. They start their assault with small talk just to size you up. They have only begun to warm up. 
The real invasion begins with a seemingly innocent question such as "How old are you?". Then comes the full on attack about how they know your uncle's brother-in-laws grandfather's cousin's son's grand daughter/son who is just as ripe as you are for the plucking. Skipping through 15 minutes of diatribe about how one should settle down and have children and what not, they end with a casual parting shot about you being next with the same menacing qualities of Arnie's "I'll be back", except there is no cool background music for them.
Sometimes, if the victim is putting up a struggle, the assailant brings in another Aunty into the fray so as to double the impact. This repeats till the victim gives into the supposedly wonderful match or commits suicide, whichever occurs first.

What we need : BATMAN!

Imagine replacing all the annoying Aunties with the Dark Knight himself. He'd just be walking about introducing himself - "I'M BATMAN!". Or he'll be perching atop a chandelier just gazing down on the crowd looking for punks to beat up with his bare hands. If nothing, he can give the perfect replies to any and all idiotic questions and statements. What can I say, Christopher Nolan has ensured that generations to come can quote the living hell out of the Dark Knight trilogy!

What we don't need : Superstitions

Isn't it wonderful that you need to wait for all the planets to be in perfect alignment and in standing ovation before you can tie the knot? Then you have to wait exactly 3 hours and 20 minutes doing nothing but wait to exit the venue since leaving earlier on a tuesday will cause death by spontaneous combustion to both sets of parents. Now all you need is a previously married couple, a saree, a duck and a Russian war criminal to escort the newly weds to the house where they are expected to fornicate for the first time.
Ah finally! But wait! There's more!
If some random con artist (read : ass-trologer) has read your asses correctly, you can't stay in the same room as your new bride. Why? Because the stars say so. Still not convinced? BECAUSE GOD! Now that you're convinced  let's see what all ceremonies are required before you can clip your toenails.

What we need : Cut to the chase

We all know men get married for the sexy time. Women get married because, well, that's what they were created for. What else? For being all independant and shit? PUH-LEEZE!
So forget all traditions and superstitions. Bride and Groom exchange rings/flowers/DNA/whatever. Bored guests are given food and shooed off. Bride and Groom airlifted to honeymoon location. The End.

What we don't need : Fancy filmy wedding photos

Couples these days are adopting traditions and idiosyncrasies from other cultures for the sake of being different and kewl. It all sounds fun, so have a blast! Just have mercy on your facebook friends when you bombard us with those wedding photos in all those awesometacular poses. It started as a novelty, now it's become the new standard. You don't have to try too hard to be all different. You decided to get married in the first place, which is the most common thing everyone does.
Now a four way live in relationship involving a goat, THAT'S DIFFERENT!

What we don't need : Foreshadowing wedding photos

If a wedded couple should pose in a more realistic manner of the things to come in the rest of their lives, it should involve vegetables. Nothing occupies a married couple's conversation more than vegetables. So why should it not also occupy most of their wedding photos?

Top 5 things Indian Policemen are good for

Ever since the dawn of man, there has been one exalted creature that has been doing everything in his power to do nothing for us. This is, THE INDIAN POLICEMAN. You will see these revered organisms glide across your daily lives with the grace and poise of a dysfunctional fighter jet crash on a school house full of handicapped children. From their menial pay to their aggressive personal bias, they've become a popular target of love and sovereignty in our society. Ever wonder why? Here are the...

Top 5 tasks Indian Policemen are good for

#5 : Forcing people to leave from places

You are a busy person and you need to be places. You may not realise this but your friendly neighborhood Policeman does. So he makes sure you leave the area you are in so that you can be more productive. Whether you are breaking the imaginary curfew or just standing around with hands in your pockets, the guardians of our generative capacity will approach you with extreme prejudice and inform you, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". 'There' being which ever area they preside over.
Now you are ready to become a contributing member of society once again. Do not forget to thank the Policeman for the harshness in his tone when ejecting you out of your idleness. You had no reason to be there in the first place. What do you think this is? A free country?

Obama approves of this method

Evidence[1] : I was standing with a group of friends on the pavement of a major road in Bangalore. It was past 11'o clock, when all good people go to sleep and dream of good people things and bad people come out to do bad people things. Policemen materialised right next to us and told us to, you guessed it, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE". We tried to reason and rationalise with them but were bowled over by their logic of "COZ WE SAID SO". We saluted them before leaving and resolved to become better citizens to the great country they do not want to serve.

#4 : Shouting at things

With great power comes the great need to exercise it. India happens to be a crime free country, so the Indian Policemen need to vent their awesome righteousness elsewhere. If they don't, the pent up energy of justice will cause the reality to implode on itself. To prevent all existence from being destroyed and to kill boredom, the Indian Policemen have devised an ingenious method of SHOUTING AT THINGS! Shouting also has the the obvious advantages like:-
  1. Better clarity in the message conveyed.
  2. Assertion of seriousness in what is stated.
  3. Prevention of implosion of the known universe.
  4. Noise pollution enriches Mother Nature.
Even Indian Policemen use Colgate(C) with active crystals
Evidence[2] : I was trying to overtake a car with my two wheeler when, out of nowhere, came a huge line of police cars and vans escorting a Politician/Government official/Rich guy. The car in front missed me by inches and the policeman sitting in the back poked his head out of the car and yelled "LEARN TO RIDE, MOTHERFUCKER". Had he not yelled, I wouldn't have been so fortunate to have heard what he said from all the ambient noise. To this day I hope to impress that Policeman by learning to ride properly, or sacrifice myself under his wheel in the next encounter. I don't deserve a second chance.

#3 : Upholding religious values

We all know gender equality is a joke and there are only female gods(the correct term to use, not 'goddesses') because of the 33% quota for women in the list of gods. So hating women, amongst other things, is an essential part of religion. That and hatred against other religions, which are so totally false and shit yo! What else does religion teach us? Hate people who speak a different language. Hate people who eat different food. Hate people. Hate things. 
Now you are too weak to hate things openly, but not your Policeman(LUCKY!). If you harass people for being different from you at your work, you will most likely get fired. But not the Policeman! It's part of his job. Ain't it wonderful?

Not in India you can't Miss Trouble maker

Evidence A[3]: Bangalore, a man comes to complain at a Police station about his girlfriend's family, who're pretty much keeping her under house arrest for falling in love with him. Both met in the respectable(?) IT company they work in. Obviously it's their fault for falling in love and being in a steady relation for a few years.
Policeman : No no! This complaint is false!
Man : Sir, but her family is keeping her home and torturing her everyday.
Policeman : This girl Hindu and you Muslim no?
Man : Uh, yes, Sir.
Policeman : Go! You go man! You want to make her prostitute. Her family knows correct way to take care of her.
Man : BUT...
Policeman : You give me your number. I will call you when I need prostitute.
Man : ......

Evidence B[4]: Bombay (or Mumbai or whatever), Social worker comes to a Police station with a slum dweller girl.
Social worker : Sir! I want to complain about a case of harassment against this girl by her neighbor.
Policeman : No madam, no case.
Social worker : But Sir! He shouts at this girl and masturbates everyday when she walks by.
Girl : ......
Policeman : Any touchings?
Social worker : Well, no. BUT...
Policeman : You take this number and call when real rape happens madam!
Social worker : ......
Girl : (cries)

Evidence C[5]: Young people partying/attending concert/loitering
Policeman : You yeng peoples! Insulting kul-char of India! Attack!
Yeng person : But sir! I was just...
Policeman : Talking back ah? You are now charged for all the thefts and kidnappings in India. And some in Uganda.
Yeng person : But sir! Why...
Policeman : I don't like you! That's why!
Yeng person : ......

#2 : Keeping the weak and poor from rebelling

Give the rich and powerful a break! They already have enough going on for them, with all the mass looting and money grabbing. Sure it's your money, but unlike you, they've earned it. They also have the extra trouble to giving money to other people and getting luxurious stuff, like diamond studded swimming pools and solid gold SUVs. Sounds exhausting! Managing all that and a million servants. Why would you want them to treat you equally? You're not equal to them.
It's people like these that require the service of Policemen rather than you. So any time you raise your voice to make a statement or protest, wone tight slaaap for you wonly! Student? Slap! Farmer? Slap! Rape victim? Double slap! Why didn't you call the number when the rape was happening?

Oppression can also be spelled as P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S
Evidence[6] : Many people were protesting at a hospital for a rape victim or something. They wanted the victim to be moved to a better hospital. Now the Police can't have that! Better hospitals are for rich people to go to for their expensive skeletal replacement surgery and to remove the golden cutlery from their anus. To prevent this unwanted crowd in places for people with wanted money, the Policeman slaps the shit out of one of the protesters. Since he didn't want to get slapped back, he chose a weaker opponent, a woman! Needless to say, his inaction put the victim in the hospital from rape and brutality, but at least his action kept her in the hospital. Victory!

#1 : Career option in the movies

You know the drill. Good guy needs to clean up the place, he either becomes the Policeman or beats up the Policeman. Just think of 5 Indian movies you've seen recently WITHOUT a single Policeman. Didn't think so. Thank you Policeman!

Evidence[7] : Check out the image above.

[1] - Try doing the same on any main road, especially in Bangalore.
[2] - Happens a lot in Kerala. So many ministers, so few roads to avoid them.
[3] - Bangalore, the under developed(read:backward) areas.
[4] - Child F in article. Her body was found naked and in pieces later.
[5] - Mumbai Moral policing, to name one series of incidents.
[6] - Atleast the policeman was suspended right?
[7] - Check out the image above.

Of the Rain and Missed calls

The ground, that lays barren, tired and parched.
In search for a drop of water, he endlessly marched.

The soul, that feels bored and is without rest,
awaits for a whisper from she, who calls him dearest.

"Why does this heat persist?" asks the dry land,
"I demand the wind on my face and flowers in my hand!"

"Why does this loneliness persist?" asks the poor boy,
"I demand a song for my heart to dance with joy!"

"I beg of you sky, one lil drop of water is all"
pathetically the land begs, keeled over and so small.

"I beg of you AirTel©, her one lil missed call"
the boy too, in desperation, begins to bawl.

The rain comes! Quenches the land's thirst and makes him refreshed.
The voice comes! Creates a warm glow where her memory is fleshed.

A night later, the heat vengefully returns 
thanks to global warming and many a delightful bomb.
And the girl? Flown lightyears upon lightyears away 
thanks to her practicality and shaadi.com!

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