Man of Steel in a nutshell


Krypton aka Mish-mash of every sci-fi alien world EVER

General Maximus : MUST...SEND...SON...INTO...OUTER...SPACE!
Superman's Mom : Why though?
General Maximus : Our planet is dying, Angry Michael Shannon is doing military things and our son will bring peace and harmony to his new home. It is the only way to save our race.
Superman's Mom : .....
General Maximus : Come on man! It's not like we have much to work with. We can't take too much liberty with the source material. The fans will raise a shit storm on the internet.
Angry Michael Shannon : Kneel before ZOD!...uh, I mean...I am now a realistic military leader. I shall start a coup to show how realistic I am.
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! This is all so dark and realistic and Russel Crowe's beard!
General Maximus : I must hurry, I must take the weird skull thing from the chamber of Kryptonian baby pods and magic.
Superman's Mom : What is the skull thing? What is the baby pod thing? Why is it left unguarded if it's so fucking important? Why can't we go with our son?
General Maximus : This is why Superman's Mom didn't have any dialogue in the other versions.
Angry Michael Shannon : I KEEL YOU! But I respect you. But I KEEL YOU!
General Maximus : My name is Spandex-ass Emotionless Jor El in a dress. Father to a Messiah son, husband to a generic wife, and I shall have my revenge, in this movie or it's sequel.
Old Important Kryptonians : For being a total asshole, we sentence you to a dysfunctional carbonite prison for a gazillion years in the Phantom Zone, which is apparently located right outside our atmosphere. You will stay there in a fully functional galaxy traversing world destroying ship until your sentence is served or in the event our entire planet is destroyed. But we all know that won't happen, am I right or am I right?
Superman's Mom : Ain't it the truth.
Angry Michael Shannon : YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Planet Krypton : Um guys, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while about the mortgage.

Planet Earth aka 'MERICA!

Sad Superman : Oh woe is me. I'm so depressed. I roam the planet looking for the perfect Gilette© razor blade to shave my beard of steel.
Gilette© execs : Remember kids, you too can have the perfect chin of steel if you shave with Gilette©, the best a man of steel can get.
Sad Superman : Hey look! People are in trouble somewhere within my vicinity again. Oh joy! Now I get to help them out and show off my abs. But I'm not all about action, I'm also a deeply etched character as my flashback will reveal my foster father telling me how important I am.

Flashback

Aging Kevin Costner : You are important!

End flashback

Sad Superman : That drunk redneck trucker is being an asshole to girl.
Drunk Redneck : 'Cause that's what we rednecks do, get drunk, molest women and assault guys twice our size, not because it makes sense, but because Superman can show how awesome his powers of restraint are. 
Sad Superman : I can't punch him in the face and kill him, but I can destroy his truck for some cheap applause.
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! I've always wanted to do that to all my bullies!
Sad Superman : Time for another flashback about my foster father telling me about my powers.

Flashback

Aging Kevin Costner : With great powers come great res...DAMMIT!

End flashback

Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : I am obviously a good reporter, since my camera can take photos of people walking in the snow, in the dark, in a distance.
Nikon© execs : Remember kids, you too can be a kickass reporter, with your Nikon© camera, now with 2 years warranty and a 16GB memory card.
Sad Superman : FINALLY! I've found the spaceship of my ancestors. Now we can get the plot moving.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Not before you save my life while I haplessly follow you and establish our Twilight-esque relationship for the sequels.
Ghost of General Maximus : Supes, I...am your father!

Sad Superman : I have so many questions!
Ghost of General Maximus : Krypton was once awesome then then it wasn't and we all died. The end.
Sad Superman : What the...?
Ghost of General Maximus : Now you shall wear this blue outfit, which was the underwear on our planet. And this cape, 'cause capes are bitchin'!
Sad Superman : Seriously dude, this spaceship is 20000 years old. You can't have planned THAT far ahead.
Ghost of General Maximus : You will be a God to these people, they will worship you, they will kill in your name, they will write a vague book about you and they must accept you if they are to go to heaven. For you are a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a dark kni...DAMMIT!

Daily Planet aka A place full of people we should care about but don't

Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : I want to write a story about my mysterious savior.
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : I don't want to write a story about my mysterious savior anymore.
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Random woman : Look, some alien person is broadcasting a creepy message across the planet in different languages to all countries.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Wait! There are languages other than English? Wait! There are countries other than America?
Random woman : Look! It's in my Nokia© phone as well.
Nokia© execs : Remember kids, only a Nokia© phone can intercept alien broadcasts.
Angry Michael Shannon : I threaten you, citizens of Earth, though you haven't the slightest idea of my capabilities. Now complete this impossible task within 36 of your Earth hours, a time unit which I somehow happen to know about.

Smallville aka Middle of nowhere, Kansas

Sad Superman : I come to this church, Father, in search of questions. So that even the most dimwitted audience members will get the religious undertones of this movie.
Priest : What do you think will happen, my son?
Sad Superman : The shit's about to hit the fan yo.
Priest : A little action would be a great relief from all this brooding. I mean, it's not like the rest of the movie is just going to be one long tedious action sequence.
Sad Superman : I surrender, for the sake of humanity.
Generic military person : Holy shit! I was expecting tentacles and green skin. This is just a flying guy who works out a lot.
Sad Superman : I want to talk to Lois Lane, for the sake of forcing that relationship into this movie.
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! They're perfect for each other!
Hot chick in armor : Michael Shannon demands that the Pulitzer Prize winning woman be brought with Superman, so that she can be in trouble and he can save her at some point.
Angry Michael Shannon : Hey! How ya doin'? I'm the bad guy for this movie and I will destroy this planet and build my planet's foundation upon it's ruins.
Sad Superman : Isn't this the plot from Transformers: Dark of the moon?
Hot chick in armor : You talk too much, let's fight!

436 hours later

Half of Smallville : (dead)
Sad Superman : (doesn't care)
Generic military person : Kill Superman!
Sad Superman : But I saved your life.
Generic military person : I guess I was wrong about you Supes, ol pal, ol buddy. Let's work together!
Half of Smallville : (still dead)

Some spaceship aka You really can't tell the difference

Angry Michael Shannon : Aha! I've adapted to this planet and have become all badass.
Ghost of General Maximus : Which kinda negates the concept of you having to convert this planet into another Krypton. Kryptonians would be like Gods on this planet.
Angry Michael Shannon : NO! I WANNA KILL EVERYONE! I WANNA! I WANNA!
Ghost of General Maximus : Too late. I've already told the Pulitzer Prize winning Earth girl on how to defeat you guys and kill every Kryptonian except my son. Who will be heralded as a God.
Angry Michael Shannon : Dude! Do you want to save our race or just watch your son walk on water?
Ghost of General Maximus : I'm not really sure myself.
Angry Michael Shannon : Whatever! Initiate CGI sequence #723C. Giant tripod with space laser and hentai tentacles heading for random location and the city which Superman will inhabit in the sequels.

Metropolis aka Not New York but totally New York

Random woman : Help! Save me before the space laser kills me.
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Time to stop that machine from killing millions of innocent people, but not before we accidentally kill millions of innocent people.
Generic military person : How are you even in this military aircraft?
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : Every Pulitzer Prize winner gets a VIP Gold pass, which gains us access to every plot location no matter how ridiculous it seems like.
Random woman : OH NO! We're all gonna DIE!
Bored Morpheus : Ok.
Generic military person : Not if I have a military aircraft to ram into the giant tripod. Hello boys! I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Sad Superman : I'll save you Lois and not anyone else!
Pulitzer Prize winning Lois Lane : My hero! Let's make out!
Half of Metropolis : (dead)
Angry Michael Shannon : Not if my newly discovered ability to fly and shoot laser from my eyes have anything to say about it. Let's fight!

322 hours later

Other half of Metropolis : (dead)
Angry Michael Shannon : Well, I have no one left to kill, save for that wholesome American family in the corner.
Zack Snyder : I think I've out done the death toll in the Avengers and 300 combined. Go ahead Supes, break the bastard's neck, but be all sad about it.
Sad Superman : But why?
Zack Snyder : 'Cause this movie is DARK and REALISTIC!
Fans : Oh-Em-Gee! Superman is so tormented by killing Michael Shannon.
Sad SupermanNow for my last trick, I shall need five small loaves of barley bread and two small fish.
Christopher Nolan : Listen to this, in the sequel, Superman gets betrayed by Lex Luthor with a kiss. And they crucify him!
Zack Snyder : GENIUS!

Fin

2 comments:

  1. Upvote for Randy Quaid reference!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FINALLY! A fellow cinephile who gets obscure references!

      Delete

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