My Oscar predictions and why

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Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave

Why? Come on! It'll be controversial to NOT give this movie the Oscar. After going through all the trouble of depicting racism and slavery to it's fullest(by a black director, mind you) America's guilty conscience will have no choice but to give a toothy smile, sweat a lot and hand over the Oscar, under the ever watchful gaze of the Department of Cultural guilt. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, it'll probably affect me more than I could think of when I do watch it. I just hate America for being the richest country via slavery and then being kinda guilty(but not really) now.


Best Director: Steve McQueen

Why? The man does have talent in doing a long single take sans the background score and hardly any noise. He makes us focus on the actors and the actors alone and brings out the best in the them for his shot, sometimes without any dialogues as well. That being said, the critics go moist for any movie he makes giving it adjectives such as 'Powerful' and other synonyms. I just hate the critics who react the same way to something by Steve McQueen or any drab indie director making a tedious film. Damn hipsters!

Who I want to win - Alfonso Cuaron: Gravity might not be the perfect movie(troupes such as George Clooney stars as George Clooney) but it is the perfectly directed film. I just feel like an asshole for not liking the movie more. But the Danny Boyle-esque human drama kinda got in the way some of the time(some, not all). Alfonso Cuaron has shown what he can make with the weakest of the Harry Potter saga and he sure has hell made the best use of 3D(AKA the 10% extra cash gimmick). Are they going to Scorsese him and give him an Oscar 30 years from now?


Best Actor: Not Leonardo DiCaprio

Why? Like hell if I'd know. Probably he's a descendant of a Nazi party supporting family and none of the elitist Jews who run Hollywood want to give him any form of glory.


Best Actress: Cate Blanchett

Why? Watch Blue Jasmine and find out. Simply put, after Emma Thompson's Mrs. PL Travers in Saving Mr.Banks, this is the only other female protagonist I started out not liking at the start but later came to care for. It might just be Woody Allen's script, but it's probably Cate Blanchett.


Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto

Why? Jared Leto plays a Transgender woman in the movie Dallas Buyers Club. I haven't even seen the movie and from the trailers alone, I knew this guy hit gold with this performance. Firstly, it didn't look or sound like Jared Leto at all. The last I remember of this guy, he was shirtless and getting his face punched in by Edward Norton. Came a long way, man.

Who I want to win: Jonah Hill - The guy deserves it for his role. He was every bit as integral to the movie as Martin Scorsese and the script. He was funny and serious with his raspy voice and rich fat persona and I'm pretty sure most of his lines were ad libbed, especially the scene at the parking lot where the co-actor's annoyed reaction seemed legit.


Best Supporting Actress: I haven't a clue

Who I want to win: Jennifer Lawrence - Who wouldn't want Katniss to win?


Best Writing - Original screenplay: American Hustle / Blue Jasmine

Why? Having 'critically acclaimed' directors linked to these movies(David O Russel and Woody Allen respectively) would help their chances. Maybe the Academy wouldn't want to bank on the pedophile suspect Woody Allen and give the award to the absolutely over blown American Hustle. Maybe, they want to show their support to a fellow artist and give Mr. Allen the nod. Then again, those turkey buzzards tend to not be inclined that way.

Who I want to win: Her - Man and computer fall in love, how can such a clichéd sci-fi story with the least exciting sci-fi mundane plot be interesting? Spike Jonze tells us how. While some what a satire on man's over dependence on technology, it also tells a love story which I appreciated. And I don't appreciate love stories, seriously, I don't. Not even James Cameron love stories.


Best Writing - Adapted screenplay: 12 Years a Slave

Why? Same reason as before. The movie is adapted from the book written by Solomon Northup and based on the true events of his life. Those cringe worthy scenes are not even fictional real, they're actual events. Giving 12 Years an Oscar would once again be a nod towards the life and hardships of Solomon and the guilt thing

Who I want to win: Wolf of Wall Street - Come on! It was the best script of the year easily. The dialogues are great, the story line is great, the narrative is great, the tone is great and everything is so great! In an interview with script writer Terence Winter who said he wanted to capture the humourous and witty tone with which Jordan Belfort wrote his book. And that he did.


Best Sound Editing: Gravity

Why? One of the first things I noticed about Gravity was how the sound was really authentic(read: of poor quality). Then Sandra Bullock's character handles tools in the opening sequence and we hear what she's hearing, ie, the sound which reverberates through her suit and arm. Everything else, the dead silence of space and the occasional crackling of radio with George Clooney or Ed Harris talking.


Best Sound Mixing: Inside Llewyn Davis

Why? Listening to those songs in the movie made me feel like I'm there, live! As much as that sounds like a hackney film critic, it is also the truth. While you can choose to snooze during the songs, I felt they were the best parts of an otherwise tedious indie movie. Fine, well made tedious indie movie. Case in point, the last few minutes of the movie had a quartet perform at a café. They sounded more real than reality. Moments later, a gawky youth walks on stage with a guitar and harmonica. I failed to notice this moment, but when started singing I was like "Bob Dylan! That's Bob Dylan!". Recognition via sound alone shows something.

Best Production Design: American Hustle

Why? As I said before, it's an overblown movie that is still good. Since there are no dramas set in the Elizabethan era(or Eye-raq) this year, the Academy would have no choice but to give the award to the movie that closely resembles a period piece.

Who I want to win: Gravity - Apparently the tools and equipment used in the movie are the latest as per the testimony of an astronaut. Yes, I read that somewhere off the internet. No, I don't remember where it was. Yes, I think Gravity deserves an award more than American Hustle.


Best Cinematography: Gravity

Why? Dude, have you even seen the movie?
Best Makeup and Hairstyling : Dallas Buyers Club
Why? Have you seen Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto in the movie? Also, they're against movies like Jackass (yeah right the elitists will pick that one) and the insufferably bad Lone Ranger.
Who I want to win: Jackass presents Bad Grandpa - The entire movie premise is about a guy wearing Grandpa make up and pranking people without a script. It's not like a movie where there is already a suspension of disbelief since it's on the silver screen. In this case the makeup ACTUALLY has to fool people in real life from a few feet away. If the Academy were a bunch of cool people(like acknowledging The Dark Knight), they'd give it to this well deserving movie.

Best Costume design: 12 Years a Slave

Why? Arbitrary guess. Unless they want to make China feel represented in which case it would be the Grandmaster. Or they can have a chance here to commemorate a proper 'drama' and give it to The Invisible Woman. I don't really care.

Best Film Editing: Gravity

Why? DUDE! HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE? Just go to YouTube and search for 'Gravity Tracking shot'.


Best Visual Effects: Gravity

Why? Is there anything in the movie that is real other than the actors? It seemed like the entire movie was made with green screen(kinda like the Star Wars prequels) and filled with breath taking visuals(kinda like the Star Wars prequels) and made us hooked for the entire duration of the movie without questioning the movie (completely unlike the Star Wars prequels). Also, why isn't Pacific Rim in this list? WTF elitists?!
Who I want to win: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - BEST. DRAGON. EVER.


Dear Crazy Aunty, why you no let me marry daughter?

GF's Crazy Mom; as she appeared in Godzilla vs Space Godzilla(1994)
Image courtesy Wikizilla

Being Indians, we've all had our love stories, here's the tale of how my Girlfriend was promoted to something greater and how my life changed forever.

The setting

Me: Mom, Dad, I love this girl.
Mom: NO!
Me: But why...
Dad: Lower caste, NO!
Me: But I...
Both: NO!
Me: ....okay....

Several months later,
Me: Mom...
Mom: NO!
Me: Fine! I shall go to her house directly and ask her Dad for her hand in marriage.
Mom: Yeah right!

The Intros

Me: Lovelorn boyfriend and seeker of marriage. In want of the girl who will understand my eccentricities...oh, wait, I'm not insanity and my inability to take a bath. I'm like, so dark and brooding and misunderstood.
Batman: Ahem!
Me: Moving along.
GF: Exasperated girlfriend and uber-seeker of marriage. I want a guy who won't ask me for my gmail and Facebook password and will not ask me to quit my job. Why won't his parents accept me?
Uncle: Boy's best friend's Dad and negotiator extraordinaire. I'm just helping out as it's more interesting than my day job.
Army Sir: GF's Dad and traveler of the world. I want the best for my daughter and I won't force anything upon her.
Crazy Mother: GF's Mom and sentimental psycho. She can't do this! What'll people think?

Let's get to it!

At GF's house one fine Sunday...
Uncle: We come in peace.
Crazy Mother: OH SHIT!...(runs away)...
Me: Oooo...kaaay...I guess they didn't expect it?
Army Sir: Hello young man! Hello Sir! Please, do come in!
Army Sir: So, how about some Tea and small talk?
Uncle: Great.

12 minutes later...
Me: Well, we've exhausted every topic in the world.
Me: Thank god tea is here!
Crazy Mother: Why! Why! Why do you pursue my daughter?...(twitch) (twitch) ..
Me: Say wha?
Crazy Mother: If you turn a blind eye, we can all play happily...forever...and ever...and ever....
Me: Thanks...for...the tea...heh...
Army Sir: Is the tea too hot for you?
Crazy Mother: HAH! He can't even drink hot tea! What'll people think?
Me: Actually, I'm just petrified.
Army Sir: So then, let's get down to business.
Me: Let me elucidate as to why I'm awesome for your daughter. Point number one, I've started saving up for the security deposit of a flat to rent out in Bangalore. Point number two...

45 minutes later...
Me:...and that's how I split the atom.
Army Sir: Impressive!
Crazy Mother: I wake up at 2AM in the mourning to pray in the pooja room.
Me: You're still here? I's that related to anything?
Uncle: His parents won't agree to the marriage.
Crazy Mother: What'll people think?
Me: A wedding is a one day event. A marriage is a lifetime choice....

37 minutes later...
Me:...and that is why I choose to be with your daughter.
Crazy Mother: Why can't you two just be friends?
Uncle: I think it'll be better if we ask her opinion. Where is she?
GF: Hi!
GF: Bye!
Uncle: What do you think Sir?
Army Sir: I think this young man is is pretty adept. He does make quite good points.


Me: I work in IT.
Army Sir: Splendid!
Me: In Bangalore.
Army Sir: Marvelous!


Crazy Mother: But what'll people think?
Army Sir: You too raise valid points honey.
Me: Clearly the military didn't issue the pants you needed to wear at home.
Uncle: But what do you wish for, dear?
GF: I wish to marry him...
Me: YAY!
GF: ...but...
Me: Wait, wha? 'But'? Anything that came before a 'but' is now negated!
Crazy Mother: Tell them you will listen to us and marry the guy we pick for you!
GF: ...
Uncle: Girls these days, they get a taste of the outside world and they can't have enough of it.
Crazy Mother: I don't like it! I liked the old way when the women worked in the kitchen.
Me: Did she just set women back a couple of decades?
Uncle: What will your opinion be if she wants to marry him?
Army Sir: I guess I'll have to look after the happiness of my daughter.
Crazy Mother: But. What. Will. People. Think. Question. Mark.
Army Sir: You raise a valid point honey.
Crazy Mother: Tell them, tell them you worry about what people think. Tell them that you want nothing more than our happiness, tell them how people will gossip about you if you don't listen to us.
Uncle: I feel you're trying to force your opinions on her madam.
Crazy Mother: She's just a kid!
Me: Who oddly must be married off right away.
Uncle: Well, I'll give you folks time to decide, we're off. Think well before making your decision dear.
Me: Finally...I mean, goodbye.


1 hour later...
Uncle: That went well. Good that we came.
Me: At least now the decision lies on her and not psycho serial prayer Mom.
My Phone: Buzz! Buzz!
Me: Hello?
GF: I decided to marry the guy who my parents pick for me, bye.

And that kids, is the true story of how the GF became the Ex-GF and married some guy within a month, while I got back into blogging, traveled to Vietnam with the money saved and became a Stand up comedian. Happy endings anyone?


Fraand: Dude, your Ex-GF had called. Asking me to tell you to not send her emails or Facebook messages.
Me: Why would she tell you that?
Fraand: Her husband has her Email and Facebook passwords.


This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai. Go here and like the page if you think Crazy Mom's condition was serious.

A brusque history of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana

Images courtesy Wikipedia

Long ago, before pepper spray was invented...

5th century AD, near the Krishna river...
Vishnukundina king: So Telugu is henceforth our official language.
People: Telugu, got it!
Vishnukundina king: Now don't go fighting with others over that fact, okay?
People: How can we? We're predominantly Buddhists.
Ghost of Gauthama Buddha past: Make nirvana, not war. (smokes weed)
Vishnukundina king: Fair point, anything else needs to be changed?
People: How about the stupid name of your dynasty?
Vishnukundina king: What?
People: What?

14th century AD, Telangana and Rayalaseema regions...
Tuglaq dynasty: Wazza bitches!
Rayalaseema People: Whoa! You guys are like, totally changing our dialect and shit. We can't...
Telenganites: Wait, with all the Persian influences, we talk different from you folks near the costal regions.
Coastal folks: 'Talk differently'.
Rayalaseema People: Can we kill them?
Tuglaq dynasty: Invasions are always fun!

17th century AD, Deccan plains...
Aurangzeb: They sure are!
People: Oh my god! They killed Telugu!
Costal folks: You bastards!
People: Let's put our dialects aside and join forces to vanquish...
Aurangzeb: Biriyani anyone?
Biriyani: (looks delicious)
People: HELL YEAH!
Paradise hotel: Let's patent this sonuvabitch!

18th century AD, Hyderabad...
Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, Mughal Inc. is done for. What now? How will we obtain the required financial resources to go on frivolous hunting trips and pose sideways for portraits now?
East India Company: Perhaps we could be of some assistance, chaps. Would you mind renting out this little stretch of land here?
Nizam of Hyderabad: Sold! Don't be late on your rent.
East India Company: Jolly good! Anything else while we're here?
Nizam of Hyderabad: You mind keeping these barbarians out of our hunting grounds?
Hyder Ali: Watcha gonna go brother? When these rockets run wild on you?
Peshwa of Maratha Empire: Let me at em! Let me at em! Hinduuuuu
Nizam's older brother: Hey bro! Let me in. I won't rip your head off and claim Dad's throne. I promise! (crosses fingers)
East India Company: You savages make it too easy!

19th century AD, England...
Queen: I now declare these areas of this map, the Madras Presidency. Roll call. Rayalaseema?
Rayalaseema People: Here!
Queen: Coastal Andhra regions?
Coastal folks: Here!
Queen: Anyone who talks Tamil?
Modern day(but not really) Tamil Nadu: Here!
Queen: Malabar Kerala?
Malayalis: As long as no one calls us Madarasis two hundred years from now...I mean, here!
Nizam of Hyderabad: Please do take care of my lands, regards, the World's Richest man, the owner of a mere 2% of planet's GDP, a real...
Queen: Silence puppet!
Nizam of Hyderabad: Yes ma'am!

20th century AD, Indian Independence struggle...
Nehru: We're free! We're free!
Gandhiji: Ram ram (dead).
Nizam of Hyderabad: I get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!
Nehru: You're surrounded by India on all sides.
Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, I still get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!
Nehru: Let me rephrase, you're surrounded by Indian TROOPS on all sides.
Nizam of Hyderabad: I still get to...okay, you win.

1952-53 AD, India...
Potti Sreeramulu: In the interest of the Telugu people, the Telugu culture and the overall Teluguness of things, I demand a separate state for Telugu people.
Nehru: WTF DUDE! We're India now. Why're you trying to break us apart especially after we just broke apart.
Jinnah: Woo! Look at all these fertile lands Gandhi gave me!
Potti Sreeramulu: No dice! Telugu land now or I diet till death.
Nehru: Why you no listen man? We were Salt Satyagraha buddies and everything.
Potti Sreeramulu: Not. Swallowing. Anything.
Nehru: Fine! See if I care, you wanted Madras as your capital. The city is outside of your territory genius.
Potti Sreeramulu: (dead)
Nehru: .......fuck!
People: Oh-Em-GEE! We're so affected by this, we're gonna break stuff!
Nehru: FINE! Every language gets states. Rayalaseema, Coastal regions, you shall henceforth be Andhra state. Now STFU and be Telugu to your heart's content.

1956 AD, Hyderabad...
Hyderabad: Hey guys, can I also play?
Andhra state: Dude, do you even Telugu?
Hyderabad: For tots guys, for tots!
Andhra state: Yeah, we'll take just that part I guess.
Hyderabad: YAY! But what of the left overs?
Telangana: Wait, what?
Andhra State Pradesh: Give the non-Telugu scraps to them.
Karnataka: I feel like we're getting a shitty deal here.
Maharashtra: Chillax dude, at least we ain't East Pakistan.
Not yet Bangladesh: I hate everyone so much!

1969 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: Um, guys...could we...get some water?
Andhra Pradesh: Shhh! We're watching Telugu subtitles.

1985 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telengana: Okay, this sucks. Can you please...stop hogging all the water?
Andhra Pradesh: zzzzzzz....

2004 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: SCREW THIS SHIT! We want our own room and Hyderabad!

2009 AD, India...
Government: Hmmm, 42 seats? Yeah, I guess.
Telangana: Woo hoo!
Andhra Pradesh: Whoa whoa whoa, not woo hoo!

2013 AD, some IT company...
Andhrite: You know, these Telangana people are only good for eating and fucking. Hyderabad is our baby. Why should we give it to them?
Skeptic: Are you sure?
Andhrite: YOU BLASPHEME! You're a supporter of the anti-christ Kejriwal, aren't you.
Skeptic: Anarchist.
Andhrite: I won't hand over Hyderabad to you or Telangana. It has IMax!
Skeptic: (sigh)

2014 AD, Delhi...
Government: So Telangana's happening y'all.
Pepper spray Gopal: Over my can's dead nozzle!
Skeptic: (deeper sigh)

2020 AD, some other IT company...
APJ: Why isn't India a super power yet?
Cyberabadite: You know, these Secunderabad people are only good for eating and fucking.
Skeptic: (deepest sigh)


Top 5 less popular Hollywood actors that need our love

The recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman made me realize how little people know of him, if at all. Although I'm not in support of a man with 3 kids who ODed on heroine, I did like the actor he was and more importantly, his characters. It got me thinking, there are so many actors out there who appear on screen and it's obvious that actor playing that character. Case in point, Nicolas Cage for ANY role he plays looks like Nicolas Cage pretending to be someone else.
Then there are the character actors who get into the skin of their roles, making a fictional person seem more real than most people we meet. Think Johnny Depp, you wouldn't recognize him if you met him in real life barring the looks. The Oscar has evaded him as many times as Leo DiCaprio.
But you've atleast heard of these people. What of the talented actors who are hardly known and even hardly cheered for? Not everyone can be an A-lister like Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Barack Obama. Most of them are "That-dude-who-played-that-dude-disguised-as-another-dude".
This is a list of those actors who've done so much in their career creating a vast array of characters, that they deserve our respect, but we're too busy checking out the latest phones online. They've been ignored by awards and the public at large since they've been doing small roles to acting in otherwise bad movies. This list is completely biased and you can add in the comments section if there's a Hollywood actor out there who needs our love. This is the list of...

Top 5 less popular Hollywood actors that need our love

#5 : Robert Pattinson

Image courtesy Wikipedia, since I didn't want to Google this asshole's name
Just kidding! Fuck this guy!

#5 : It's a tie - Ewan McGregor

For those who watch movies, you may know him as the guy from the new (horrendous)Star Wars trilogy. For those who love movies, you will know him as the heroine addict, Renton from Trainspotting. Ignoring the much hated prequel trilogy as a younger Obi Wan Kenobi, McGregor has portrayed a Southern naive young man  in Tim Burton's Big Fish(2003) as well as Jim Carrey's love interest(yes, love interest) in I Love You Phillip Norris(2009).
I like him personally since he's an avid motorcycle traveler, having traveled from his native country of England to USA via Russia(aka, the long route) all the while helping UNICEF in the countries he crossed. Why aren't the ladies swooning over Mr. NiceGregor yet?
Ewan McGregor is the definition of non-eccentric theater actor who keeps getting small and insignificant roles in mediocre movies. He needs a pat on the back and some oil for his bike.
Recommended watch: Trainspotting, I love You Phillip Norris, The Ghost Writer, Big Fish, The Men Who Stare at Goats
Not recommended: The Star Wars prequel trilogy

#5 : It's a tie - Idris Elba

I didn't add Idris Elba to not seem racist. He'd completely slipped my mind till I saw Pacific Rim(2013) once again in theaters. Apart from the awesomeness of giant robots punching giant monsters in the face, I noticed that the best parts of the movie were the scenes with this man.
I would think that you can make any movie awesome by putting in Idris Elba. Take Prometheus(2012) for instance. The set design and production was amazing but the story was convoluted at best(screenplay vomit at worst). The filler scenes which happens so that we can digest(regurgitate) the plot, weren't boring due to the his character of Captain Janek. You might think I'm giving him far too much credit and you would be wrong.
I'm not a huge fan of the (obligatory)Thor movies(2011, 2013), but apart from Sir Anthony Hopkins and the delightful Tom Hiddleston, only Elba stands out as non interchangeable character
Sadly, despite being a competent actor who can play both menacing as well as compassionate, Elba needs to get more roles to show off his acting chops. Let's give him a thumbs up for his talent and one more for that moustache.
Recommended watch: The Thor movies, RocknRolla, Pacific Rim, Mandela: The Walk to Freedom
Not recommended: Prometheus, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence

#4 : Bryan Cranston

Why is the much beloved Heisenberg on this list? Hasn't he been getting enough attention now that Breaking Bad ended? Well, you may be surprised to know how this man appears in almost every movie in smaller roles. Except for Little Miss Sunshine(2006) and Argo(2012), you'd have hardly noticed him in Saving Private Ryan(1998), The Lincoln Lawyer(2011), Contagion(2011), Rock of All Ages(2012) among many other movies. 
But what really made me impressed with Walter White is his resume on voice acting in a whole lot of different characters - Vitaly the Russian tiger in Madagascar 3, Slizzard the nasal voiced villain in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, James Gordon in Batman: Year One and several characters in The Simpsons and other animated shows. He even played the voice of Ram in Ramayan: The Legend of Prince Pam in the English dub.
Best part? He'll be in the upcoming Godzilla remake as well as having a role in the next Kung Fu Panda. After all, he is the one who knocks. Give this great man a hug!
Recommended watch: Argo, The Lincoln Lawyer, Little Miss Sunshine
Not recommended: Slizzard episode in Power Rangers, Total Recall, John Carter, Drive. (Just checkout YouTube for those clips.)

#3 : Edward Norton

Poor Eddy! He was nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar on his debut role as a molested and later murderous alter boy with multiple personality disorder. He lost to Cuba Gooding Jr's portrayal in Jerry McGuire(1996). He was once again nominated for his role in American History X(1998) as a racist skin head. This time he lost to Roberto Begnini and his 20 cups of coffee. While the elitist buffoons failed to acknowledge him, we'll forever remember the menacing "There never was an Aaron, Counsellor" and Derek Vinyard's eerie smirk while being arrested for brutally murdering a black man in cold blood just minutes ago.
Most people recognize him as the Narrator from Fight Club(1999). He made us empathetic towards the everyman as much as he did for the neo-Nazi and a murder suspect. He's an example of someone who looks similar in every role but is entirely a different person.
Let us pray to the movie gods to bestow upon this poor talented man, better roles and better opportunities to shine, which has evaded him as much as he has evaded the limelight.
Recommended watch: Primal Fear, The People vs. Larry Flynt, American History X, Fight Club, The Italian Job, Moonrise Kingdom and a 10 second cameo in The Dictator.
Not recommended: Kingdom of Heaven, The Illusionist, The Incredible Hulk, The Painted Veil

#2 : Guy Pearce

Easily my favourite actor in the list for several reasons. He's good looking, talented and has done a variety of roles and people hardly know him other than Memento(2000). Granted, that is one of the best movies of all time, it still didn't showcase Pearce for what he fully is.
Hardly anyone knows his role as an annoying drag queen in the little known Australian comedy The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert(1994). While he was floating along playing minor roles and (far)side characters in landmark movie L.A. Confidential(1997) and The King's Speech(2010), no one bothered to notice this man changing physically and mentally for each role.
I was watching a neigh unheard of movie Lockout(2012) on TV when I noticed that the acerbic bulked up protagonist looked remarkably similar to a bulked up Guy Pearce. Only when the credits rolled(yes, I saw the whole thing) did I know that I was looking at Guy Pearce, the only saving grace of a drab and clichéd sci-fi film.
He was equally witty and charming as the villain in Iron Man 3(2013), a role I felt mirrored the already witty and charming Robert Downey Jr. But far from the onscreen and internet sensation that is Robert Downey, Pearce remains in the shadows of greater actors and bad movies.
How about we invite Guy Pearce for nice dinner and ask him why he doesn't believe in god?
Recommended watch: The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, L.A. Confidential, Memento, The Proposition, The King's Speech, Lockout(Just for his role), Lawless and Iron Man 3
Not recommended: Ravenous, The Time Machine, The Count of Monte Cristo, Prometheus

#1 : Gary Oldman

Gary Oldman is the cinematic chameleon that people hardly notice, with just a single Oscar nomination. Watch the above video, he's played a Wanna-be Jamaican pimp, JFK's assassin, a comical bad guy in the Fifth Element with a southern accent, the menacing badguy in Leon: The Professional, unrecognizable as Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols, a witty gay poet,  Dracula and of course, the most realistic Commissioner James Gordon this side of trimmed moustaches.
Watch the video above and you'll know what I mean.
This is all apart from the fact that he did the voices as the villain in Quest for Camelot and Kung Fu Panda 2.
No one has been proficient enough playing the bad guy while being a good actor. Gary Oldman deserves a standing ovation for being the most unsung hero after Mr. Hoffman's passing.
And you thought he only played Sirius Black.
Recommended watch: Sid and Nancy, Prick Up Your Ears, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, JFK, Bram Stoker's Dracula, True Romance, Léon: The Professional, The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Quest for Camelot, Dark Knight trilogy, Kung Fu Panda 2, Harry Potter series.
Not recommended: Lost in Space,  A Christmas Carol, Planet 51, The Book of Eli and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Valentine's 2014: A guide for him and her

Men's guide

Step 1: Grooming - Be a Modi fan boi

Source: The Wall Street Journal India blog; oddly under the article of the NaMo smart, the Modi phone
Nothing says sexy than everyone's favourite right wing Gujarati dictator...uh, I mean...Future Prime Minister. Slather your Facebook wall with NaMoness by sharing World War II style propaganda posters and go insult any secular/congress/intellectual/leftist/firang/clean shaven bastard who disagrees with you. Before you want to be the sex magnet all women desire, make sure you lose these relatively useless features...
  • Sense of humour
  • Affinity for facts
  • Patience
  • Logic
The probability that you will finally land a girl will be increased ten fold, just like the progress of Gujarat over the last 7 minutes.

Step 2: Flirting - Be a witty and charming stalker

Source: Bangalore wishesh; List of Shah Rukh Khan's most romantic songs
They've banned smoking in movies, which means that it's wrong and we don't know any better. But they haven't banned stalking, which means that it's A-OK!
No one likes a creepy and uninteresting stalker. You need to impress her with your personality. If you haven't landed a girl automatically with your all mighty NaMoness(how yaar? Stupid wonly those girls!), you'll need to take the initiative and go out there to hunt your female.
I encourage being proactive over reactive. Let me explain...
  • Reactive: Jump in the path of the girl of your desires and 'propose her'. She will be shocked on seeing you for the first time in her life and run away. Silence is the biggest invitation of them all. Proceed to follow her from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. The feeling of being watched and touched inappropriately all the time will be too much for her and she'll want more. BAM! WIFE!
  • Proactive: Proceed to follow the girl of your desires from one arm distance all day while occasionally touching her bare skin. BAM! WIFE!
Caution: Make sure your fingertips are as witty and charming as your facebook profile. Else she'll fall for someone who is touching her more than you are.

Step 3: Courting - 'NO' is spelt 'R-A-P-E'

Even they're asking for it
Source: Some website
This is merely a bonus step for those who are still unlucky to hear 'no' from the lips of your beloved future slave. Who knows, maybe she's into the corruption of science and openness and all. But we shouldn't waste time moping around being normal, we should go out there and avenge our egos with our holy swords of justice.
Just one poke and she'll be ejected from her family, her house, her school/college/job, her society and her book club. With nowhere to go, she'll come running to and fall at your feet asking for forgiveness. Feel free to let her be on the ground as long as you wish while your ego recovers the earlier rejection.
Once your benevolence finally gets aroused, proceed to pick her up, take her home and proceed to do onto her what got her in this place already. Why? All that running and falling down probably killed off your baby, so time to make a new one. 

Tip: If she says 'yes' , do it. If she says 'no', she is shy wonly, so do it.

Women's guide

Step 1: Grooming - Let's put a smile on that face

Kakihara, a character from the Manga Ichi the Killer; obviously happy about his make over
Source: Silent Hill community forum
You wheatish ugly woman! Who will ever marry you? That's right, marriage, the only thing you're good for. Actually, pregnancy is the only thing you're good for. Do you look good? Of course you don't. Let's modify your natural appearance!
These are the things you need to change about you before you can even hope for a guy to notice you...
  1. Skin colour
  2. Lip shape(refer Koffee with Karan for ideas)
  3. Nose shape
  4. Eyes size(big is good)
  5. Ear shape
  6. Facial hair
  7. Armpit hair
  8. Leg hair
  9. Hip size(big is baby bearing good)
  10. Bust size(big is hubby baby feeding good)
  11. Stomach size
  12. Finger size
  13. Toe size
  14. Nail colour
  15. Personality
  16. Attitude
  17. Everything
  18. Everything
  19. Everything

Step 2: Flirting - Be traditional

Source: Hindu Janajagruti Samiti website; under the section - Awakening of Rightousness...wait, is she a firang?
No one likes a modern woman. Full time bad lady wonly she, all drinking winking reading weading working shorking! Chee! Go home and start cooking you dirty girl!
When you meet him, remember to join your hands together and bend over such that the top of your head touches the ground he walks on. This will give him the confidence to impregnate you later on. Make sure you look him only in the eye and mustache. If his eyes wander all over you, take it as a compliment and commence to write the sanskit verses of the Rig Veda with your big toe.
Next, serve him tea while he tells you about what it's like to go outside the house and see the sky. Tell him about your aspirations to give birth to all 8 of his children or die trying.
Seal the deal by covering your face with the pallu of your saree and fluttering your eye lashes at him while your parents barter with his parents on how much they should sell you for. You go girl!

Step 3: Courting - Marriage or death! - Brilliant satire or men with erectile dysfunction?

For those who don't know, the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti, the protector of all things hindu and bharath, successfully got an 'anti-national' play cancelled. This play was Ali J by Evam.

Now the supposed reason for Ali J being anti-national were(as per the Jagruti website)...
  1. One character is arrested for his involvement in Godhra arson case and has been sentenced to death punishment. - Holy shit! That's so offensive. That person should've been put in prison and fed biriyani.
  2. This play has background of creation of Bharat – Pakistan and Ali J is fighting for Bharati. - He should've been supporting Chennai Superkings.
  3. So-called innocent Muslim youth are going towards terrorism for injustice done to them. - by so-called hindu so-called youth.
  4. Mohan is a character shown as a staunch Hindu.Mohan needs a bath.
  5. Hindus took revenge on hundreds of Muslims at Godhra. - Written and Directed by Quetin Tarantino.
  6. One Hindu raped a Muslim woman and has been arrested for the said offence. - NO WAI!
  7. Mohan marries Bharati; but Ali J is responsible for illegitimate child of Bharati which means that Bharati has been raped. - Sex within marriage can't be rape, but sex outside of marriage is definitely rape, GOT IT!
  8. Muslim prisoners are treated inhumanly in Indian prisons. - Youth and women and RTI!
Apart from these, I have a few points as to why the play is anti-national as well...
  1. The Director and performer, Karthik Kumar, normally wears a T-Shirt, a jacket and a pair of jeans. This is completely against our culture and he must apologize to all Indians.
  2. The name of the play isn't "Jai Hanuman". For this Evam must apologize to all Hindus.
  3. 'Evam' is a Sanskrit word, but 'Entertainment' is an English word. This unholy alliance of the corrupt west is denigrating our sacred most language of rishis and tarzan. Evam Entertainment must be thrown in prison for this.
The above persecution complex and indignity I've displayed isn't my own, it permeated through my skull from the website itself. Let's take a look at the website and some examples.

Nina Paley's 'Sita Sings the blues'

Nothing says communal pissing match better than this. Job well done 'Editor'.

Valentine's day

Who needs bullet points when we have arrow tipped sperms to convey arbitrary points?

Current events


It takes a special skill to insult a political party, homosexuality, secularism, progress and your own scriptures all in one go.

If you agree with the above points, please do go visit the website for a chuckle or two. If you think it makes no sense and it's just religious bullcrap, then apologize to the hindus, NOW!

Also, protest against non-Hinduism by watching Ali J FOR FREE on YouTube by watching the hell outta it and then being pissed off and the non hinduismistics.

Jai Hind?

For the 377th time, don't touch my culture!

Image courtesy Wikipedia; under the section 'Bestiality'
Not the shocked woman in the background
Remember the time when your Mom told you about how she met your Dad? It could’ve been along these lines– “I know arranged marriage is lame for kids nowadays, but back then that’s how we found love. I was sitting on your Grandfather’s lap when I first saw your Dad. He was being all cool and suave playing with his jack-in-the-box. My parents weren’t too happy about him missing his front baby teeth. Thankfully, ours was a modern family and they took my opinion! I’m sure it was his Mom’s idea, but he handed me, not one, but TWO Cadbury© Éclairs! That was the moment I fell for him. I’m not sure how, since my hormones hadn’t started flowing at that age. I guess that’s why we took 9 years to conceive you”. No? Well, thank god they abolished child marriage, unless you live in and around a desert in India (Clue: There is only one desert in India).
Remember that time when your Dad died and your Mom had to either quit her job, wear white all the time, shave her head and live as a fashion pariah for the rest of her life? Fortunately, your relatives convinced her to set herself on fire along with your Dad’s corpse (What is it with rituals and burning stuff?). It would’ve been so much more inconvenient with those electric furnaces, your Mom squeezed in there with what’s left of your Dad, waiting to be roasted alive for being, well, alive. Doesn’t ring a bell? Ain’t it awesome that Sati is no longer prevalent? (Incidentally, the word ‘Sati’ is the feminine of the Sanskrit word ‘sat’, which means ‘truth’).
While that sinks in, the above mentioned practices came into full flow in India due to the Muslim invasions of the 11th century. Apparently, it was the society coping against a barrage of rape and abductions.
I know, Wikipedia told you that Sati was a practice in other cultures as well. Focus man! We’re talking about our culture, the correct culture, the perfect culture.
Let’s move on to the present era.
Remember the time you wanted a baby sister, but your Dad said his buddies would make fun of him at the club? But why was he punching Mom in the tummy repeatedly? And where is that baby sister of yours?
Or that time, when you decided to elope with that girl who was from different ‘group’ (includes SC/ST/OBC/PWD/Class/religion/area/skin colour/weight/altitude) and her Dad and brothers came after you? Of course you don’t, your decapitated head lies below her shaven and hung corpse. As we all know, decapitation leads to short term memory loss and drowsiness.
A diverse culture, aren’t we? So much fun and frolic!
Let’s now time-travel back to the not too distant past of three centuries.
Remember when the guys you hung out with used to engage in sexual congress with a horse?
- “bt dud!!!!!!!!!!y d fk u fkn a horse????”
- “y nt a hors lulz”
Or those girls from your class who were interlocked while in lotus position in a 5-way as the holy cow watched on? Getting too weird? Then I wouldn’t recommend the Sun Temple at Konarak for you, friend.
I guess all the folks back then were on ecstasy and tequila shots.
Heard of a guy named Shikhandi? Was born girl, went into a forest and came out a dude. Archeologists are still to locate the ruins of the clinic she visited to become a he. Here’s the Mahabharatha, rocking a full-on transgender as a pivotal character. Seriously, check it out. Bhisma(with his beard of immortality) thought it politically incorrect to kill Shikhandi, and got a volley of arrows in return.
So how did India get from pro-LGBT in their mainstream media to cringing every time boys kiss? (It’s okay if girls kiss, since that’s sexy!)
Enter the white man!
Those prudes came over and said – “This is preposterous! You must adhere to the only accepted form of fornication, which is the missionary position. Why? Because god!” To which, all the Indian males, held each other by the pinkies and said in unison “Okay! We can’t argue with gunpowder”.
And thus, in one fell swoop, we accepted the culture of another race so different from ours as to have snow and pants.
These were the people, who through the law, ruined the great lives of great men such as Oscar Wilde and Alan Turing. Oscar Wilde, the Irish poet and playwright, suffered and died at the ripe old age of 46 after being imprisoned for two years for being a homosexual. Wilde’s epigrams are still relevant and memorable today as they were 100 years prior. Alan Turing, considered the father of the modern computer, was chemically castrated for having sexual relations with another man. He took his life later with cyanide. His mind helped break the “unbreakable” enigma code of the Germans during the World War II, saving countless lives.
In 1861, they (not us) introduced Section 377.
In 2013, thousands, if not millions of geniuses much like you, came out shouting that homosexuality is against our culture, and that by accepting their culture, we’re embracing homosexuality as well.
Imagine my shoe for a moment. It is black, has no laces, has a worn out insole and a quarter inch heel. Fine, half inch heel. Now, imagine this shoe flying at the velocity of 9 metres/second at your pretentious face.
Everyone has opinions, but your’s is wrong. Simply because it lacks logic and is asinine. So you better keep those esteemed opinions to yourself, lest you be lynched during the Great Atheist uprising of 2022.

Damn! I spoke too much!

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