A brusque history of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana

Images courtesy Wikipedia

Long ago, before pepper spray was invented...

5th century AD, near the Krishna river...
Vishnukundina king: So Telugu is henceforth our official language.
People: Telugu, got it!
Vishnukundina king: Now don't go fighting with others over that fact, okay?
People: How can we? We're predominantly Buddhists.
Ghost of Gauthama Buddha past: Make nirvana, not war. (smokes weed)
Vishnukundina king: Fair point, anything else needs to be changed?
People: How about the stupid name of your dynasty?
Vishnukundina king: What?
People: What?

14th century AD, Telangana and Rayalaseema regions...
Tuglaq dynasty: Wazza bitches!
Rayalaseema People: Whoa! You guys are like, totally changing our dialect and shit. We can't...
Telenganites: Wait, with all the Persian influences, we talk different from you folks near the costal regions.
Coastal folks: 'Talk differently'.
Rayalaseema People: Can we kill them?
Tuglaq dynasty: Invasions are always fun!

17th century AD, Deccan plains...
Aurangzeb: They sure are!
People: Oh my god! They killed Telugu!
Costal folks: You bastards!
People: Let's put our dialects aside and join forces to vanquish...
Aurangzeb: Biriyani anyone?
Biriyani: (looks delicious)
People: HELL YEAH!
Paradise hotel: Let's patent this sonuvabitch!

18th century AD, Hyderabad...
Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, Mughal Inc. is done for. What now? How will we obtain the required financial resources to go on frivolous hunting trips and pose sideways for portraits now?
East India Company: Perhaps we could be of some assistance, chaps. Would you mind renting out this little stretch of land here?
Nizam of Hyderabad: Sold! Don't be late on your rent.
East India Company: Jolly good! Anything else while we're here?
Nizam of Hyderabad: You mind keeping these barbarians out of our hunting grounds?
Hyder Ali: Watcha gonna go brother? When these rockets run wild on you?
Peshwa of Maratha Empire: Let me at em! Let me at em! Hinduuuuu
Nizam's older brother: Hey bro! Let me in. I won't rip your head off and claim Dad's throne. I promise! (crosses fingers)
East India Company: You savages make it too easy!

19th century AD, England...
Queen: I now declare these areas of this map, the Madras Presidency. Roll call. Rayalaseema?
Rayalaseema People: Here!
Queen: Coastal Andhra regions?
Coastal folks: Here!
Queen: Anyone who talks Tamil?
Modern day(but not really) Tamil Nadu: Here!
Queen: Malabar Kerala?
Malayalis: As long as no one calls us Madarasis two hundred years from now...I mean, here!
Nizam of Hyderabad: Please do take care of my lands, regards, the World's Richest man, the owner of a mere 2% of planet's GDP, a real...
Queen: Silence puppet!
Nizam of Hyderabad: Yes ma'am!

20th century AD, Indian Independence struggle...
Nehru: We're free! We're free!
Gandhiji: Ram ram (dead).
Nizam of Hyderabad: I get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!
Nehru: You're surrounded by India on all sides.
Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, I still get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!
Nehru: Let me rephrase, you're surrounded by Indian TROOPS on all sides.
Nizam of Hyderabad: I still get to...okay, you win.

1952-53 AD, India...
Potti Sreeramulu: In the interest of the Telugu people, the Telugu culture and the overall Teluguness of things, I demand a separate state for Telugu people.
Nehru: WTF DUDE! We're India now. Why're you trying to break us apart especially after we just broke apart.
Jinnah: Woo! Look at all these fertile lands Gandhi gave me!
Potti Sreeramulu: No dice! Telugu land now or I diet till death.
Nehru: Why you no listen man? We were Salt Satyagraha buddies and everything.
Potti Sreeramulu: Not. Swallowing. Anything.
Nehru: Fine! See if I care, you wanted Madras as your capital. The city is outside of your territory genius.
Potti Sreeramulu: (dead)
Nehru: .......fuck!
People: Oh-Em-GEE! We're so affected by this, we're gonna break stuff!
Nehru: FINE! Every language gets states. Rayalaseema, Coastal regions, you shall henceforth be Andhra state. Now STFU and be Telugu to your heart's content.

1956 AD, Hyderabad...
Hyderabad: Hey guys, can I also play?
Andhra state: Dude, do you even Telugu?
Hyderabad: For tots guys, for tots!
Andhra state: Yeah, we'll take just that part I guess.
Hyderabad: YAY! But what of the left overs?
Telangana: Wait, what?
Andhra State Pradesh: Give the non-Telugu scraps to them.
Karnataka: I feel like we're getting a shitty deal here.
Maharashtra: Chillax dude, at least we ain't East Pakistan.
Not yet Bangladesh: I hate everyone so much!

1969 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: Um, guys...could we...get some water?
Andhra Pradesh: Shhh! We're watching Aradhana...ahem...in Telugu subtitles.

1985 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telengana: Okay, this sucks. Can you please...stop hogging all the water?
Andhra Pradesh: zzzzzzz....

2004 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: SCREW THIS SHIT! We want our own room and Hyderabad!

2009 AD, India...
Government: Hmmm, 42 seats? Yeah, I guess.
Telangana: Woo hoo!
Andhra Pradesh: Whoa whoa whoa, not woo hoo!

2013 AD, some IT company...
Andhrite: You know, these Telangana people are only good for eating and fucking. Hyderabad is our baby. Why should we give it to them?
Skeptic: Are you sure?
Andhrite: YOU BLASPHEME! You're a supporter of the anti-christ Kejriwal, aren't you.
Skeptic: Anarchist.
Andhrite: I won't hand over Hyderabad to you or Telangana. It has IMax!
Skeptic: (sigh)

2014 AD, Delhi...
Government: So Telangana's happening y'all.
Pepper spray Gopal: Over my can's dead nozzle!
Skeptic: (deeper sigh)

2020 AD, some other IT company...
APJ: Why isn't India a super power yet?
Cyberabadite: You know, these Secunderabad people are only good for eating and fucking.
Skeptic: (deepest sigh)


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