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These are actual events which happened when two German girls, Ollie and Sophie, had come down to India for a month long stay. They stayed at my place for a weekend, which is when they shared these stories about the creepy Indian men. I'm deliberately leaving out the locations so as to not sound prejudiced towards any geography.
Prologue: Mr.Beard and his elbow
Upon entry into this country of mystique and adventures, our heroines retire at a hostel. Not being one to be un-savvy in the form of internet communication, Ollie borrows the hostel owner's laptop and begins to google about the Kamasutra.
Along comes Mr.Beard. Mr.Beard had a beard. He also had two arms, each equipped with one elbow. Mr.Beard and his arms settle right next to Ollie for no specific reason what so ever. Ollie smiled at him since she was polite.
Mr.Beard, whips out his elbow and begins rubbing it against Ollies arm to generate static electricity through friction. He realized that his other arm was free and felt sad for the lonely little hand. So he decided to transfer the gained static electricity to his crotch by completing the circuit. Ollie was confused with the experiment and asked Mr.Beard to explain it to her, since she's a girl and doesn't understand science. Mr.Beard was generating far too much electricity to explain to laymen about his experiment and continued in the name of progress and science.
Ollie, being polite, didn't want to hurt Mr.Beard's feelings and ever so politely told him that she's leaving. Mr.Beard, being the politer one, stopped his experiment and offered to leave himself to conduct further experiments with his lightning rod. Ollie was amused.
Mr.Beard later popped out of a cupboard under the stairs fanning himself and being fully contempt.
Mr.Beard later popped out of a cupboard under the stairs fanning himself and being fully contempt.
The lifeguard who wanted chaat
Ollie and Sophie check into another sea side location. They meet a friendly lifeguard. A life guard usually runs in slow motion and saves people from drowning. It was night and the life guard didn't have anyone to save as everyone had already drowned. Instead the life guard was talking to Ollie and Sophie. He seemed like a really nice guy, and all the married women know that when he seems like a nice guy, he really isn't.
Ollie and Sophie didn't know any Hindi, so they were confused when the lifeguard switched to Hindi and asked them if they'd like to eat chaat. Ollie and Sophie knew what chaat was and they'd read from their guides to India that it must be tried. Their excitement and anticipation was met with even more Hindi and even more mentions of 'chaat'.
It then occurred to our travelers that it's too late in the night for any establishment to be selling chaat. When asking the lifeguard about where they would get the chaat, he mistook the question as to how. How what? Well, how to 'chaat'.
He demonstrated by miming eating an ice cream cone. Little did they know that chaat wasn't being used as a noun, but as a verb. Getting the gist of the situation and the lifeguard's request, Ollie and Sophie leave the vicinity to go back to their rooms having not eaten chaat.
Ollie and Sophie didn't know any Hindi, so they were confused when the lifeguard switched to Hindi and asked them if they'd like to eat chaat. Ollie and Sophie knew what chaat was and they'd read from their guides to India that it must be tried. Their excitement and anticipation was met with even more Hindi and even more mentions of 'chaat'.
It then occurred to our travelers that it's too late in the night for any establishment to be selling chaat. When asking the lifeguard about where they would get the chaat, he mistook the question as to how. How what? Well, how to 'chaat'.
He demonstrated by miming eating an ice cream cone. Little did they know that chaat wasn't being used as a noun, but as a verb. Getting the gist of the situation and the lifeguard's request, Ollie and Sophie leave the vicinity to go back to their rooms having not eaten chaat.
Intermission
When Ollie had met one of my friends, she'd asked the cliched question of how she finds India. Ollie replied with "How is India for a woman?". I knew where this was going and changed the flow. She later told me at some point "I used to complain about Germany, but now after coming to India, Germany's not so bad".A travel companion
Ollie took the bus and was feeling rather lonely sitting in the back seat. The dilemma was that no one who has any idea of how buses function in India would sit in the back seats. But Ollie had a huge backpack which she couldn't leave anywhere else.
Enter the Hero, to save Ollie from her loneliness. The Hero had good English, much like Ollie and hence could communicate well with her. Ollie was happy to finally have someone to talk to and not just stare at her.
Hero asked her where she was from and she told him that she was from Germany. Hero asked her where she was off to and she told him that she was traveling to Cochin. Hero asked her how long she was in India and she told him that she'll be around for a total of one month. Hero asked her whether she would like to fuck him and she told him that he should go sit somewhere else.
It's still not sure if it was Ollie's politeness or the fact that she actually looked like she can take him on, but Hero left so as to provide another lonely traveler with his company. Ollie spent the rest of the journey to Cochin without fretting the fact that no one was sitting next to her.
Temple run (Best story)
Sophie traveled to a small town and went to check out the local temple. She met many other travelers in the town where she stayed who warned her about the guy who stares at women in the temple. Having dealt with several of them before, Sophie confidently marches into the temple.
In the corner, sat the man in question. Much like what they'd already told her, he was staring at her intently. Much like they hadn't told her, he was masturbating, also intently.
Having seen such a scene for the first time, Sophie had no idea as to how she should react. So she picked up the nearest stones and began to pelt the intent little man. When that didn't help to shoo him away, she decided to approach a person of authority, a tactic which has thus far proven spectacularly ineffective in India.
She was trying to communicate to the temple poojari of the incident and he either pretended to not comprehend or didn't. Then Sophie, who's English isn't bad at all, happens to mention the word 'penis'. The poojari immediately blows up in a mixture of embarrassment and indignation. He frantically motions Sophie to make herself scarce so that he can get back to doing poojari things, evidently activities not dealing with the male genitalia.
To this day, Temple Boy lurks the darker corners of the religious establishment, as though forming a metaphor, ready to pounce on the next hapless non-penis bearer.
Telecommunications
Ollie's last few days in India and she needs to recharge her mobile with some talktime. She finds her way into a local recharge shop which was a bit too crowded, like any place in India. While the people were staring at Ollie, like they always do, there was one younger guy among them who was exceptionally well at staring. After having left the shop, the teenager started following her.
Having been followed and stared at for all the trip, Ollie didn't pay any attention tot he kid till he appears right in front of her and asks "I want you number." Ollie, still being the polite person she is, tells him her and asks for his in order to start a civil conversation. Number boy would have none of it.
After repeated demands for her phone number, he switches tactics and starts off with "Pleeeease give me your number" to which the polite Ollie replies that she can't give her number to someone who is a stranger. Several pleas later, she bids him a courteous goodbye and leaves.
Later, she runs into him again at the mall where he triumphantly announces that he has her number. Though taken aback slightly, Ollie still is still cordial with the boy and tells him that it is rather creepy, a word completely lost on the youth.
At the end of the day, she receives several missed calls and messages that just say "hi". And then she left India that night.
Rather anti-climatic when one thinks about it.
Epilogue: Back in Germany
Once back in Germany, Ollie messages me on FB saying that she'd met a group of (probably) drunken idiots who invite her for some mating rituals of their own and her statement verbatim is "...and that reminded me of you.".
Yes, she looks back fondly at the her trip and remembers the desperate men and their pathetic attempts to make contact in the only form that they know. Thanks to their actions, my memory has taken a much less precedence.
Thank you conservative patriarchal society! I hope a meteor collides with us.
PS: I go forth to dedicating this post to a recent reader I'd met who'd gotten me a couple of opportunities in the real world(and not the blogosphere). Knowing that someone actually reads your blog on date makes you want to update it on time, every time.
PS: I go forth to dedicating this post to a recent reader I'd met who'd gotten me a couple of opportunities in the real world(and not the blogosphere). Knowing that someone actually reads your blog on date makes you want to update it on time, every time.
