Random Malayali #1: At first, when I saw the door closed, I thought I was at the wrong place. I was correct, as I was still in my house. Wait, what're you doing in my bathroom?
Random Malayali #2: We've been getting drunk here for generations. Now where will we go to avoid our wives?
Random Malayali #2's son: Yeah! Where will we go?
Random Malayali #2: You drink?!
Random Malayali #2's son: Dude, your wife's a real bitch.
Random Malayali #2: That she is.
Police constable: Sir, maybe it's April 1st?
Police officer: In October?
Police constable: Surprise?!
Police officer: Arrest everyone. Maybe if I beat the shit out of innocents, I'll feel properly lubricated in this shitty world.
But the residents of nearby houses have different opinions.
Aunty #1: Thank God those drunkards are gone!
Aunty #2: Drinking is such a bad habit. It is bad for the children.
Aunty #1: So is domestic abuse.
Aunty #2: Wonder where all those drunkards will go to now?
Door: (knock)(knock)(knock)
Both: Uh-oh! We're married to them.
Door: (bang)(bang)(bang)
Crisis Day Fore
A few of the Malayalis, working in the Gulf countries have arrived back to their homeland for some much needed rest, relaxation and family time.
Gelf Malayali: Screw that shit! I'm here for the booze and the beef!
Gelf Malayali: Oh dear god! I had heard it in the news. I didn't know it was true.
Reporter: So will you be returning back to the Gelf...I mean, Gulf?
Gelf Malayali: What's the point? Why should I earn money anymore?
Reporter: Sir, can't you still buy booze off the counter?
Gelf Malayali: And start drinking in front of the wife when sober?
The ripples of the crisis were propagating its way down the ecosystem in other places as well. The 'thattu kadas' were particularly impacted.
Shop owner: Before, the men needed some place to get food after the bars closed at 11. Now that they don't have any place to be so late, my only clients are the new generation kids calling themselves 'freaks'.
Freak #1: Yo dude! Dis #parotta is ossum. Imma #instagram it!
Freak #2: Watz yo place called? I wanna giva rating on my zomato app yo!
Shop owner: Zomato? Is that a vegetable?
Freak #2: Dis place aint on zomato dood!
Freak #1: #EPIC #fail dude! lezz go!
Shop owner: Well, with them gone, I've to close down business as well.
Crisis Day Se7en
We're a week into this crisis. It seems the Malayali men have adapted to the situation.
Random Malayali #1: At first, we were desperate and we brought booze home.
Random Malayali #2: We thought our wives could be reasoned with and the first hour went without incident.
Random Malayali #1: Then we realised that we had no source of 'touchings' but our wives.
Random Malayali #2: Who also had to clean up all the puke...
Random Malayali #1: ...and feed the children...
Random Malayali #2: ...and watch their TV serials...
Random Malayali #1: ...and defend earth from aliens.
Random Malayali #2: So after the first day, every husband was banned from their respective homes.
Random Malayali #1: It's like no one appreciates our hard work.
Yeah, you got the joke. But it was an ingenious young fisherman who came up with the ultimate solution(other than the alcohol).
Random Malayali #1: We take out boats and go get drunk at sea.
Random Malayali #2: We don't know if we're puking from the sea sickness or the drinking anymore.
Random Malayali #1: The boat mafia is gaining power though.
Random Malayali #2: Also, the Italian navy has been gunning down most of the boats.
Random Malayali #1: Is the Government doing anything about that?
Random Malayali #2: Absolutely not.
With a huge number of Malayalis no longer having the will power to return to the Gulf countries, cheap labour is now going to the huge influx of Pakistan migrants who're rushing to fill in the void.
ISI agent: With all the income from the Gulf countries now flowing back into Pakistan, we finally have enough money to fund our nuclear weapons program...uh...I mean...the...um...education for girls program. Yeah, that.
Back in Kerala, the closure of all thattu kadas...
ISI agent: You guys bought that? That was easier than I thought.
...Thattu kadas , the sales of Parotta has plummeted severely. With no longer a market for the road side parotta, jobless activists have taken to the streets to abolish maida altogether.
Jobless activist: We all know maida is harmful to the human body. Now that the Parotta lobby no longer has power over the parliament, we will take the protests to our living rooms and declare a harthal.
Jobful activist: But what will we do sitting home now? All the liquor stores are at sea.
Jobless activist: Well...fuck.
Crisis Day XIII
This is actually very unlucky.
Crisis Day XIV
Better. The population of men in Kerala has been reduced by half due to all the Italian navy murders. The remaining men are locked away in their homes by their wives and mothers. Crime rate is now at zero.
Meanwhile, having toppled the maida industry, the jobless activists are now against every unhealthy food in India. The only food not under the scope are the vegetables from Tamil Nadu.
Jobless activist: Everyone knows that maida is used to make the adhesive glue for posters in Kerala.
Reporter: (slap)
Jobless activist: DAFAQ!
Reporter: Cooked rice is also an adhesive. GOD! I just hate you self righteous know-it-alls spreading old wives tales. Has anyone checked the internet for this?
Jobful activist: The internet says maida is harmful for your body.
Reporter: Oh...well, the internet can never be wrong. Vegetables it is then.
Due to the excess of imported vegetables from Tamil Nadu, ties between the two states have been strained and the much larger state has demanded all the water of Kerala as compensation for there being no more vegetables left in Tamil Nadu.
28 days later
After a diet of nothing but healthy vegetables, Malayalis are declared the healthiest creatures on the planet. Since the men can't go out of their houses to kill and eat animals, the herbivores of Kerala have started multiplying.
Having no one to kill, the Italian navy have started doing their job and have begun eliminating the pirates of the Indian ocean.
Meanwhile, the abundance of water has lead the Tamil population to make a startling discovery.
Random Tamilian #1: I started after we stole the monsoon clouds from Kerala. This made sure that we'll be able to take baths every day. After a couple of days we began to notice...changes.
Reporter: What sort of changes?
Random Tamilian #2: Our skin colour wasn't dark like how everyone made fun of us. We are actually very light skinned.
Random Tamilian #1: Also, we used to think daily head baths are for Malayalis. But now, we notice that our original hair colour is blonde.
Random Tamilian #2: And our eyes are blue. Which is something we just noticed. It doesn't have anything to go with the daily bathing.
Reporter: So what have to you...
Random Tamilian #1: EHRE DEM VATER!
Random Tamilian #2: EHRE DEM MEISTER-RENNEN!
Reporter: Well, that escalated rather quickly.
Go check out google translate. You can't expect us to do all your work for you, lazy slob!
Crisis Day 42
All the Malayalis from around the world have flocked back to the home land due to its perfect existence. Due to this, the literacy rate increased to 800% in Kerala, somehow. In a combined effort, Malayalis have discovered the meaning to life, the universe and everything.
Crisis Day 69
We couldn't resist. The economies of all states in India have been decimated because of the lack of Malayali bakeries or tea stalls or shawarma restaurants. Also, the onslaught of cows from Kerala have begun to take over Southern India.
In this moment of weakness, The "People's" "Republic" of China has declared war against India and has taken over the NE states, which no one notices.
Chinese General: We Chinese are all assholes and we like taking over things. It's to compensate for our tiny manhoods.
Having destroyed all the pirates in the world, the Italian Navy take over all the seas.
Crisis Day One Hundred
Pakistan has finally completed its nuclear IBM. Without any warning, the missile is launched. The missile fails to take off and detonates in Pakistan. The Pakistani high command blames India for the nuclear attack which the Indian Government condones. The US gives Pakistan a lot of money to recover and proceeds to attack the Italian navy while crying "Freedom!" at the top of their lungs.
Facing imminent defeat at the hands of the Chinese, the Indian army deploys the two master races present into the war zone. The Tamil refuse since they declare their state autonomous. Malayalis refuse since it's a sunday. The cows refuse since they're cows.
While the wars wage on, all the methane created by the army of cows start to heat up the atmosphere which ignites when a passing meteorite shower shoots debris into out atmosphere.
Life on Earth, has been completed eradicated from the resulting fire.
That's why you don't shut down bars in Kerala.
Fin
