Chetan Bhagat at it again!

So here's what Chetan Bhagat had to say on the ever of his first film, where he was a 'screen writer', getting released.

Obviously, the news channels fell in love with him and so did his fans. Since I was already in love with him, I thought I'd write something as a homage to the great man's great greatness.

I'd like to thank this guy from the IBNlive website which ran the story, for his comment which gave me the idea. Thank you roadhound.

Protesters versus Fanatics

Image sources:  Nevada Today, Tiger Mouse productions

Protester	Fanatic
Species
Homo Sapiens	Unknown (Closely resembles Neanderthals)
Societal structure
Conformist Bourgeoisie	Deity worship
Tolerance threshold
Extremely high	Zero
Sense of humour
Varies according to subject's background	Non-existent
Weapon of choice
Candles and Facebook	Sticks and stones
Strength
Intelligence	Numbers
Vulnerability
Numbers	Indeligunss
Attack mantra
Share and like	Destroy everything that isn't us
Primary enemy
Everyone else	Logic
Species prognosis
Eventual extinction	World War 3
Process of eradication
Disable internet connection	Decapitation

Think society, think double standards

Well, my Mom isn't as stupid as given below, but there are those out there who are. Consider these hypothetical situations after you're done rolling those indignant eyes.

Stable relationship

Me: Mom, I'm in a stable relationship. She's an MBA graduate working in a multinational company, can cook like a boss and watches Tarantino flicks.

Mom: What religion/caste/ethnicity/skin colour is she?

Me: Uh...the one that you don't like.

Mom: Get married to this girl I picked for you, right now. She has been approved by the people.

Me: But...

Mom: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Several years later...

Mom: Why do you come home late from work?

Me: Oh that? I visit my girl friend every once in a while.

Mom: WHA?! Does your PEOPLE APPROVED wife know?

Me: Of course not, she'd kill me!

Mom: Why would you cheat on her? She's a Literature graduate working in an International School, can bake like a boss and reads Camus.

Me: You've instilled great values in me.

Source: mnn.com

Moral of the story

You are free to pick any item you like, from the list of items given to you by us.

Fate

Mom: Where are you going?

Me: My friend, Atheist, got into an accident.

Mom: That rich spoiled brat? He was probably drinking and driving.

Me: Whatever...they're both admitted to the LootNPillage Hospital.

Mom: They?

Me: Atheist was with Religious, our classmate.

Mom: Looks like it's a bad time for their family. Why don't you pray at the temple for him on your way to the hospital. God works faster than you, you know.

Me: Well, the accident was fast enough.

Source: Free software magazine

Moral of the story

If you disagree with me, you're wrong.

Legalised prostitution (aka Marriage)

Groom's Mom: Now that you're a part of our family, you must call me Mom.

Groom's Dad: And you must call our house, your work place.

Groom: And you have to call yourself Missus Me.

Bride's Dad: Did I just pay for my daughter to not exist anymore?

Bride: Uh, shouldn't you be paying MY Dad for my ownership and my services?

Everyone: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Source: The Telegraph

Moral of the story

Marriage is all about conformity and property ownership. The relationship comes second, or third.

Hotels

Foreign couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: Very welcoming this way saar. We charge in $$$ by the way. Also, mosquitoes are charged, part of the experience.

Indian couple with children: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: You have children so you have the right to judge us.

Indian couple: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: Are you married or about to be married?

Indian couple: Uh, yes.

Receptionist: I don't believe you, where is your marriage certificate? The police come and check here every night since they have no time to fight crime.

Indian couple: Screw it, we'll have to suffer staying at relatives.

Indian boy and girl: Hi, we'd like a room please.

Receptionist: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG and don't know what to do! You bring western ideologies filth into my kul-chaar. Arrest them!

Indian boy and girl: Wha?

Receptionist: SILENCE! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Source: Ruthless Reviews

Moral of the story

If we're oppressed by rules, we'll make new ones so that we can oppress for a change.

Interviews

Candidate #1: Hi, I'm LongHaired CreativeType. Here's my impressive resume.

Oldman Interviewer: I don't like him!

Oldwoman Interviewer: He is already rejected.

Oldman Interviewer: Give him a difficult question.

Oldwoman Interviewer: Finish him!

Oldman Interviewer: How many decibels are present between Earth and Indraprastha?

Candidate #1: Sir, I don't think that's related to NotBoringJob, the one I'm applying for. Also, it doesn't make sense.

Oldman Interviewer: GET OUT! Rascal!

Oldwoman Interviewer: Nyext!

Candidate #2: Much Goodmornings Sir and Lady Sir. I'm SidePartitioned HumanMouse. I walked in here accidentally.

Oldman Interviewer: You're hired!

Source: Houston Press

Moral of the story

The old are wise and we should listen to them forever and ever and ever...

What happens when you close bars in Kerala?

BARS BARRED

BREAKING NEWS! All Bars without the proper hygiene in Kerala have been SHUT DOWN! That's right, there must be cleanliness in those shady shops where we consume liquids injurious to our health but have the ability to kill most bacteria. As the crisis continues(and since the elections are sooo 2014, wait, what year is it?), let's go to the streets to survey the situation.

Crisis Day One

As men gather around the bar, waiting for it to open. But as they wake up the rooster and the sun, they realise, to their horror, that their watering hole is no more.

Random Malayali #1: At first, when I saw the door closed, I thought I was at the wrong place. I was correct, as I was still in my house. Wait, what're you doing in my bathroom?

Random Malayali #2: We've been getting drunk here for generations. Now where will we go to avoid our wives?

Random Malayali #2's son: Yeah! Where will we go?

Random Malayali #2: You drink?!

Random Malayali #2's son: Dude, your wife's a real bitch.

Random Malayali #2: That she is.

Police constable: Sir, maybe it's April 1st?

Police officer: In October?

Police constable: Surprise?!

Police officer: Arrest everyone. Maybe if I beat the shit out of innocents, I'll feel properly lubricated in this shitty world.

But the residents of nearby houses have different opinions.

Aunty #1: Thank God those drunkards are gone!
Aunty #2: Drinking is such a bad habit. It is bad for the children.

Aunty #1: So is domestic abuse.

Aunty #2: Wonder where all those drunkards will go to now?

Door: (knock)(knock)(knock)

Both: Uh-oh! We're married to them.

Door: (bang)(bang)(bang)

Crisis Day Fore

A few of the Malayalis, working in the Gulf countries have arrived back to their homeland for some much needed rest, relaxation and family time.

Gelf Malayali: Screw that shit! I'm here for the booze and the beef!

21 seconds later...

Gelf Malayali: Oh dear god! I had heard it in the news. I didn't know it was true.

Reporter: So will you be returning back to the Gelf...I mean, Gulf?

Gelf Malayali: What's the point? Why should I earn money anymore?

Reporter: Sir, can't you still buy booze off the counter?

Gelf Malayali: And start drinking in front of the wife when sober?

The ripples of the crisis were propagating its way down the ecosystem in other places as well. The 'thattu kadas' were particularly impacted.

Shop owner: Before, the men needed some place to get food after the bars closed at 11. Now that they don't have any place to be so late, my only clients are the new generation kids calling themselves 'freaks'.

Freak #1: Yo dude! Dis #parotta is ossum. Imma #instagram it!

Freak #2: Watz yo place called? I wanna giva rating on my zomato app yo!

Shop owner: Zomato? Is that a vegetable?

Freak #2: Dis place aint on zomato dood!

Freak #1: #EPIC #fail dude! lezz go!

Shop owner: Well, with them gone, I've to close down business as well.

Crisis Day Se7en

We're a week into this crisis. It seems the Malayali men have adapted to the situation.

Random Malayali #1: At first, we were desperate and we brought booze home.

Random Malayali #2: We thought our wives could be reasoned with and the first hour went without incident.

Random Malayali #1: Then we realised that we had no source of 'touchings' but our wives.

Random Malayali #2: Who also had to clean up all the puke...

Random Malayali #1: ...and feed the children...

Random Malayali #2: ...and watch their TV serials...

Random Malayali #1: ...and defend earth from aliens.

Random Malayali #2: So after the first day, every husband was banned from their respective homes.

Random Malayali #1: It's like no one appreciates our hard work.

Yeah, you got the joke. But it was an ingenious young fisherman who came up with the ultimate solution(other than the alcohol).

Random Malayali #1: We take out boats and go get drunk at sea.

Random Malayali #2: We don't know if we're puking from the sea sickness or the drinking anymore.

Random Malayali #1: The boat mafia is gaining power though.

Random Malayali #2: Also, the Italian navy has been gunning down most of the boats.
Random Malayali #1: Is the Government doing anything about that?
Random Malayali #2: Absolutely not.

With a huge number of Malayalis no longer having the will power to return to the Gulf countries, cheap labour is now going to the huge influx of Pakistan migrants who're rushing to fill in the void.

ISI agent: With all the income from the Gulf countries now flowing back into Pakistan, we finally have enough money to fund our nuclear weapons program...uh...I mean...the...um...education for girls program. Yeah, that.

Back in Kerala, the closure of all thattu kadas...

ISI agent: You guys bought that? That was easier than I thought.

...Thattu kadas , the sales of Parotta has plummeted severely. With no longer a market for the road side parotta, jobless activists have taken to the streets to abolish maida altogether.

Jobless activist: We all know maida is harmful to the human body. Now that the Parotta lobby no longer has power over the parliament, we will take the protests to our living rooms and declare a harthal.

Jobful activist: But what will we do sitting home now? All the liquor stores are at sea.

Jobless activist: Well...fuck.

Crisis Day XIII

This is actually very unlucky.

Crisis Day XIV

Better. The population of men in Kerala has been reduced by half due to all the Italian navy murders. The remaining men are locked away in their homes by their wives and mothers. Crime rate is now at zero.

Meanwhile, having toppled the maida industry, the jobless activists are now against every unhealthy food in India. The only food not under the scope are the vegetables from Tamil Nadu.

Jobless activist: Everyone knows that maida is used to make the adhesive glue for posters in Kerala.

Reporter: (slap)

Jobless activist: DAFAQ!

Reporter: Cooked rice is also an adhesive. GOD! I just hate you self righteous know-it-alls spreading old wives tales. Has anyone checked the internet for this?

Jobful activist: The internet says maida is harmful for your body.

Reporter: Oh...well, the internet can never be wrong. Vegetables it is then.

Due to the excess of imported vegetables from Tamil Nadu, ties between the two states have been strained and the much larger state has demanded all the water of Kerala as compensation for there being no more vegetables left in Tamil Nadu.

28 days later 

After a diet of nothing but healthy vegetables, Malayalis are declared the healthiest creatures on the planet. Since the men can't go out of their houses to kill and eat animals, the herbivores of Kerala have started multiplying.

Having no one to kill, the Italian navy have started doing their job and have begun eliminating the pirates of the Indian ocean.

Meanwhile, the abundance of water has lead the Tamil population to make a startling discovery.

Random Tamilian #1: I started after we stole the monsoon clouds from Kerala. This made sure that we'll be able to take baths every day. After a couple of days we began to notice...changes.
Reporter: What sort of changes?
Random Tamilian #2: Our skin colour wasn't dark like how everyone made fun of us. We are actually very light skinned.
Random Tamilian #1: Also, we used to think daily head baths are for Malayalis. But now, we notice that our original hair colour is blonde.
Random Tamilian #2: And our eyes are blue. Which is something we just noticed. It doesn't have anything to go with the daily bathing.
Reporter: So what have to you...
Random Tamilian #1: EHRE DEM VATER!
Random Tamilian #2: EHRE DEM MEISTER-RENNEN!

Reporter: Well, that escalated rather quickly.

Go check out google translate. You can't expect us to do all your work for you, lazy slob!

Crisis Day 42

All the Malayalis from around the world have flocked back to the home land due to its perfect existence. Due to this, the literacy rate increased to 800% in Kerala, somehow. In a combined effort, Malayalis have discovered the meaning to life, the universe and everything.

Crisis Day 69

We couldn't resist. The economies of all states in India have been decimated because of the lack of Malayali bakeries or tea stalls or shawarma restaurants. Also, the onslaught of cows from Kerala have begun to take over Southern India.

In this moment of weakness, The "People's" "Republic" of China has declared war against India and has taken over the NE states, which no one notices.

Chinese General: We Chinese are all assholes and we like taking over things. It's to compensate for our tiny manhoods.

Having destroyed all the pirates in the world, the Italian Navy take over all the seas.

Crisis Day One Hundred

Pakistan has finally completed its nuclear IBM. Without any warning, the missile is launched. The missile fails to take off and detonates in Pakistan. The Pakistani high command blames India for the nuclear attack which the Indian Government condones. The US gives Pakistan a lot of money to recover and proceeds to attack the Italian navy while crying "Freedom!" at the top of their lungs.

Facing imminent defeat at the hands of the Chinese, the Indian army deploys the two master races present into the war zone. The Tamil refuse since they declare their state autonomous. Malayalis refuse since it's a sunday. The cows refuse since they're cows.

While the wars wage on, all the methane created by the army of cows start to heat up the atmosphere which ignites when a passing meteorite shower shoots debris into out atmosphere.

Life on Earth, has been completed eradicated from the resulting fire.

That's why you don't shut down bars in Kerala.

Fin 

How bad roads can improve India

A bad road isn't inefficiency. A bad road is opportunity. For whom? Stop being such a doubting pessimist!

Let's start from the beginning when a daddy road loves a mommy road very much and people want to drive their stupid cars to the stupid malls to do stupid people things. But when they buy their stupid car and plan their trip to the mall 20 meters away using Google Earth, they realise that the terrain between where they are and where they want to be isn't stupid car friendly.

Sources: islands.com, ibnlive.com

So they plop to the ground and beat their arms and legs about for about 400 years before the Government realizes that it's election season again and they need to satiate the serfs.

The government releases the Kraken and the PWD department. One is a monster that consumes endlessly and gives nothing back to society but pain and destruction, the other is the Kraken(if you didn't see that coming, you better power off your system and go lie down before you hurt yourself). 

After needlessly wasting time on a survey using a stick and a packet of biscuits, they take tea breaks till the budget is exhausted.

People harmed : None 

People benefited: The PWD

Finally, the PWD decides to call in the specialist. The contractor!

Sources: milkthefranchise.com, neatorama.com

The contractor has two objectives in life:-

1. Make a profit
2. Make a profit next year

The contractor makes a huge profit by taking all the money he's gotten to build the roads, and depositing it at the bank. Then going home and taking his children's chalks, grinding it and laying it down on the ground. BAM! Insta-road!

People harmed : None 

People benefited: The PWD and their families, the contractor and his family

In places where it rains a lot, the chalk powder will get washed away in 5 minutes. In places where it doesn't rain, the people who're starving will eat the chalk powder within 5 minutes.

People harmed : None 

People benefited: The PWD, the contractor and hungry people

Finally, you got your road and you can go to the mall, right? NO BITCH! You fall into those pot holes and break a leg! Blood every where! Wait for the ambulance. Keep screaming. Still waiting for the ambulance. Kids are taking photos of your misery with their new smart phones. Where is that ambulance? Your photos have gone viral. Just kidding! Who'd want to see your photos? Is that the ambulance?

People harmed : You

People benefited: PWD, contractor, hungry people, jobless rich kids

Since the insurance system is only making it's way to India from the US, you'll be treated for your injuries. 
Uh oh! It's a private hospital. So they're gonna have to run a few hundred tests on you. It's normal to check your internal organs when your hand just got severed off. Stop crying you baby!

People harmed : You

People benefited: A LOT of rich people

Meanwhile, you get the estimate for repair work of your vehicle. You instantly die of a heart attack.

People harmed : You

People benefited: A LOT of rich people and a mechanic

So do you see why complaining about the road makes you a selfish prick? Bad roads benefit far too many people for the universe to care about your little complaints. Quit being such a spoil sport.

Top 5 ways to die in India

Note: All ratings are out of 5.

#5: Poverty

A dire consequence of a nation which promotes arranged marriage and motherhood is that everyone procreates, no matter their ability to raise the offspring. While the quelled middle class themselves are finding it difficult to raise children in this cruel and harsh world, people of lesser financial stature are 200% ensuring that the world is a worse place bring more children into it and thus giving the said child little choice but to suffer in it.
Now that you are poor, let's consider your options. If you live in the city, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you live in the country side, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you survive in either cases, you can die of neglect by a Government who knows you won't be interested in voting.
It's like playing chess with yourself while sky diving without a parachute. The only way you can win is by losing, and then you'll die.
If you do get above the ever descending poverty line, don't forget that inflation will beat you to it.

Source: The Syndian

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity:         ☺

Style:              ☺

Mess:              ☺☺

#4: Shame

Marrying someone you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Wearing what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Studying what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge? 
Eating what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Earning what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Car not expensive enough? Log kya kahenge?
No children? Log kya kahenge?
Not enough children? Log kya kahenge?
Dark skin? Log kya kahenge?
Short? Log kya kahenge?
Too much hair? Log kya kahenge?
Too little hair? Log kya kahenge?
Born at the wrong time? Log kya kahenge?
Still alive? Log kya kahenge?

All of the above questions has two solutions.

OR

Image sources: http://ragemaker.net/, IBNlive.com, ngpod.cn, investwithalex.com

Awesomeness: ☺☺

Publicity:         ☺☺☺☺

Style:              ☺☺☺☺

Mess:              ☺

#3: Accidents

Rules are for losers. Work is for idiots. So let's leave our work half done and break all the rules to do what is convenient for us. But if someone else does it, damn that person's soul to hell.

Of course, this causes just a minor problem known as inefficiency. This leads to even minor life threatening pit falls where someone loses a life. Yes, it's all fun and games till someone drowns, or falls off a building, or a building falls on them, or gets hit by a car, or simply forgot to pay the dowry.

As a service to you, I've already Googled 'accident' and found the images to be quite fascinating. You can do it yourself and think about what people will be talking about seeing your body in that condition.

Awesomeness: ☺☺☺☺

Publicity:         ☺☺

Style:              ☺☺☺☺

Mess:              ☺☺☺☺☺

#2: Religion

Go ahead and make any reference towards any religion and/or their religious head(s). In a country where the right to religion(no qualification required) is more important than right to speech will lead to the most religious people having the grace of a blind club wielding gorilla riding atop a deranged rhinoceros on cocain. All you need to do is to point a question of "Why?" at the monster or even not be doing anything at all. What will follow is torture(physical and mental) followed by ostracization be all your peers, family and friends since it obviously is your fault.
Forget that all of the 'beliefs' are based on what your parents parroted to you, it's not your belief and your righteous indignation is righteous. More people have lost body parts, lives and loved ones in the name of the random events that you have no control of (aka god) than accidents, honour killings and poverty combined. 
Are those statistics accurate? You insult my god! Prepare to die. 

Awesomeness:  ☺

Publicity:          ☺☺☺☺

Style:              ☺☺☺☺☺

Mess:              ☺☺☺☺

#1: Girl

A girl is not what is going to get you killed, I meant you should simply BE a girl. From female infanticide to honour killings and beyond, women in India find it way easier to die than the opposite sex. Here are a couple of easy steps:-

1. Born as a girl
2. If you survived step 1, do something which you are told shouldn't be done.
3. If you survived step 2, make sure that you're not a man or if you got the wrong country.

Source: Dolls of India

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity:         ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

Style:              ☺

Mess:              ☺☺☺☺

So remember, if you're planning to die in India, make it count. 

The syllabus of life

1. Birth: Commonly known as the number one cause of death. Once propelled to this existence, there is little that is comprehensible about it. The entire concept was not within your control and your ability to have any control of the life that follows depends on your ability to communicate, which is rather difficult since the concept of communication is one of the things that is incomprehensible. Through no fault of your own, you're already hated by a larger part of the population due to aspects you had absolutely no control over and can't change as long as you exist. One's best bet, if one were to survive this stage, is the intelligence level of those who spawned the person.
2. School: The show box demo program used to condition the participants into the ideal survivors in the real world whilst simulating none of the characteristics themselves. The conductors of this institution of mass hypnosis and conveyor belt factory are burdened with the task of removing any blemish from the unwilling products, whether they cause any damage or advantage. Authority is imposed, whether it remains corrupt or otherwise, in a manner such that the limitations of thought is enforced for the remainder of the existence. This stage will yield the perfect robot, one which looks and thinks like every other future cog in the machine based on narrow criteria laid out by those requiring cogs for their machines.
3. College: The glorified version of school where one needs to specialize on one's ability for the rest of one's life. While selecting a suitable curriculum is indeed a difficult task, it has to be done by someone who still hasn't grown into adulthood nor has any experience with the real world so as to take all that into thought. In most cases, most of the decisions are already laid out in the simple Yes or No format, with each answer creating a tangent from the decision maker's former life. Any and all knowledge acquired will hardly be used later in life. Every experience will shape the individual permanently.
4. Job: The end result of the pointless competition and yard stick measurements, is to obtain the ability to slowly kill one's brain cells over five days consecutively so that they can be killed off much faster over the course of the next two days in an assortment of ways. This stage brings death closer to the person, not due to the physical or mental damage imposed, but due to the warped perspective of time. The person now tries to survive nearly 70 percent of the their time so as to find solace in the remainder of the 30 percent of the time. On fear of the 30 percent time running out soon due to excessive rest periods and self indulgence, the overall time spent would seem lesser in hindsight while stretched out when happening. The stigma of obtaining a job that would benefit oneself rather than the machine can be dealt in outdated ideologies of success and procuring a life partner.
5. Marriage: Conveyed as the ultimate reason for one's existence so as to remove any remaining semblance of individuality due to new found responsibility and life style adjustments. Portrayed as the finish of the race the person has been running till this point of their lives, it can easily be made mandatory via threats of a sad and lonely existence to trivial back up plans of future ailments and difficulties. Unlike the previous institutions, this brain washing occurs in a more subtle and thus substantial manner. As before, the choices dealt, for someone who elects to invest in this scheme are once again limited to one's performances in the previous stages. The best bet is the intelligence level of those who spawned you, though they themselves are crippled in their freedom due to unknown reasons.
6. Children: If forced undergo the legal prostitution process, within time, one will have to indulge the voices of the machine into furthering the species. Once again, the brain washing occurs in a subtle manner whilst being portrayed as the ultimate stage of human development. This is the final stage to ensure complete and utter obedience to the system by removing all stains of individual radiance by shifting focus unto another, much more vulnerable life form. Once this stage is survived, including repeated progeny as per mass instruction, the individual will indeed gain the ultimate form of no longer being an individual, but rather an absolute part of the membrane that leverages on it's sheer size to as to ensconce all of the harsh reality by creating a prison state. As an added advantage, offspring are also the best retirement plans as the machine and the membrane, though omnipresent, are entirely unreliable and unconditionally selfish in their agenda.
7. Retirement: An otherwise uneventful point in one's life where the machine deems the person as no longer with the ability to self repair to as to keep it running. Continuing to survive till the last stage depends on the investments one made across all the previous stages with special weightage for the last few stages. The complete serenity and freedom which one has always wished for is finally obtained, although several years of mental conditioning has left one impaired to enjoy it.
8. Death: The best possible way to slowly peter out of existence without causing much ripples. The point where one is showered generously with praises and becomes accepted in the hearts and minds of all unanimously due to the irreversibility of the process. The ultimate acceptance which one always yearned for is finally achieved albeit at the cost of one's permanent absence from all festivities.

PS: This post is dedicated to you. That's right, YOU. If you've chanced upon this blog, then I'm safe to assume that you have a idea about the syllabus of life and have sometimes even made attempts to escape it. Here's wishing the both of us luck and the hope that in the meantime, I can at least entertain you. Cheers!

How to beat the Monday blues

Source: Some Des Moins University page

 

 

Call in sick [Level: Novice]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: Yes?

Me: Boss! I have a terrible headache.

Boss: What was that?

Me: I said that I have a terrible stomach ache.

Boss: Okay.

Me: So because of my terrible back pain, I won't be coming to office.

Boss: I wish you had at least tried to come up with a good excuse.

Me: I couldn't put my mind to coming up with something better due to this terrible neck pain.

 

Pros: Monday avoided.

Cons: Boss thinks you're an idiot.

 

 

Someone died [Level: Beginner]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: Yes?

Me: Boss! My paternal Grandfather's maternal Uncle's only nephew's daughter-in-law's husband's Mother's only grandchild is dead.

Boss: That's terrible, I'm sorry for your loss. (yawn)

Me: So I can't come to office.

Boss: Of course you can't, you're dead.

Me: Wait...oh!

 

Pros: Monday avoided, grievance leave.

Cons: Have to pretend to be sad, ghost of the person whom you killed will haunt you, Boss thinks you're a liar.

 

Marriage [Level: Medium]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: What is it?

Me: I'm getting married.

Boss: Whoa, when did this...

Me: It was all too sudden.

Boss: Congrats, what's the bride's name?

Me: Well, uh....it's....where's the damn invitation card?...she's from a nice family...and...her...name is....VINAY!

Boss: That's your name.

Me: I knew that.

 

Pros: Monday avoided, you're now married.

Cons: You're now married.

 

Threaten nuclear strike [Level: North Korea]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: You again?

Me: I won't come to office today.

Boss: What? Why?

Me: If you ask me, I shall have to retaliate with my full nuclear capabilities.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: Don't tempt me Boss. I won't hesitate to blow you and your company away.

Boss: Look man, I don't have time for this.

Me: You've given me no choice...시작 발사 순서!

Boss: ....(hangs up)....

 

Pros: Monday avoided, you've learnt Korean.

Cons: Possible unemployment, institutionalization at an asylum.

 

Kidnapped [Level: Not bad]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: Stop calling me!

Me: Boss! I don't have much time. They've got me!

Boss: What? Who?

Me: They've kidnapped me Boss.

Boss: WHA?!

Me: They've demanded that the Company pay up a ransom of 10% of my current salary.

Boss: Uh...mfff...Hello? I can't hear you.

Me: They just want a 10% increase. Please, they've worked so hard in kidnapping me.

Boss: See, they weren't proactive in their kidnapping. They also were in the same category of different kidnappers who'd kidnapped the CEO of the company. Relative performance wise, I felt...

Me: What're you talking about?

Boss: ... (hangs up) ...

 

Pros: Monday avoided, adventures lie ahead.

Cons: Possible death, no hike, multiple leaves.

 

Suicide [Level: Committed]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: WHAT?

Me: I'm gonna do it boss.

Boss: I don't care.

Me: I'm gonna kill myself.

Boss: Whatever!

Me: I've written your name in my suicide note.

Boss: WAIIII...

Me: .......

 

Pros: Monday avoided, Boss doesn't get hike, FaceBook attention.

Cons: Certain death, no more salary.

 

 

Religion [Level: Invincible]

Me: I can't come to office today.

Boss: What're you...why?

Me: 'Cause GOD!

Boss: Okay.

 

Pros: Monday avoided, messiah complex.

Cons: Crucifixion.

 

Assassination [Level: Badass]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: Please don't come to office anymore!

Me: Do you see a red dot on your shirt?

Boss: What is that?

Me: Now watch as it moves to your shoulder.

Boss: What...you...OW! FUCK! SOME ONE SHOT ME! SOME ONE SHOT ME!

Me: Damn straight.

Boss: FUUUUUCK...I'M BEING SH.......

Me: Rest in peace bitch.

 

Pros: Monday avoided, alternate career option, being a bad ass.

Cons: ABSOLUTELY NONE.

 

 

Nuclear strike [Level: Hardcore]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: ...OT AT! AAAAAH!.... Wait, where am I?

Me: I won't come to office today.

Boss: What's going on...who is this?

Me: You have 10 seconds before a IBM, aimed at your crotch, hits it's mark.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: Inter Ballistic Missile. You should've figured this out from all the time you spend on Wikipedia. 3 seconds.

Boss: I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will....

Me: Irradiate in peace bitch.

 

Pros: Monday avoided, being a hard core bad ass.

Cons: World War III.

 

Warp reality [Level: God]

Me: Hello? Boss?

Boss: ......

Me: That's right, you no longer exist.

Boss: ......

Me: Also, Mondays no longer exist.

Boss: ......

Me: But since Tuesdays became the new Mondays, I'd to get rid of Tuesdays as well. Then Wednesdays and so on and so forth till nothing exists.

Boss: .......

Me: .........Well, this isn't as interesting as I thought it'd be.

Boss: ........

Me: FINE! Let there be light!

 

Pros: Monday avoided, you are now God.

Cons: God now exists.