Bollywood cliches that must stop

Before I start ranting, I must note to one and all that I AM aware that every other film industry, especially Hollywood, employs the use to cliches in lieu of intelligent screenwriting as well. If your first reaction to the below cliches is "then tell us Hollywud also use clinches no?", kindly go punch yourself in the groin till your respective Bollywood idol walks up to you and tells you to stop.

So let's crack on, shall we?

The choreographed dance sequence


Yes, this is a cliche. I know songs are put in movies to make extra money, but they are all now generic, lacking substance and easily digestible by all. So is baby food.
Once in a while you have the dream sequence and/or the making of a music video excuse to crow bar in a song or two(the latter a brilliant example of coordination as the entire song is taken in a single take). In any other case, it's just down right annoying to have the continuity broken by some dancing and singing to as to keep those people who hate all the talking, entertained and interested.

The club scene
The most common excuse for a song sequence these days is the club scene. Although this is as close to reality as the Lock Ness monster.


What Bollywood tells us that happens in clubs
Source: tr3s.com


What actually happens in clubs
Source: Deccan Chronicle archives
If you want to do a music release of the movies and have more cash to stuff into your mattress, I suggest you make it subtle and play it over a montage or something. If you make the characters dance and sing like a bunch of circus animals, I'm going to assume you're an idiot and hate all your future releases.




Everyone sings
Who the hell is playing the background music? And how can they hear anything being on a train?
Source: Bollywood Eye
Let us assume that the participants have been meeting over the weekends to practice the moves for the dance and make it seem impromptu. What about the singing?
All those songs and I didn't see one instance of someone busting out their Bose speakers for background music. Do they live in a reality where they all can simultaneously hear karaoke music in their heads or do they just sing without music?


The Action sequence

Phuck Physics
Seat belts save lives...oh wait.
Source: Heavy.com
ZOMG! That's so mind blowing that my mind is blown wonly. The epitome of what Bollywood would do to garner cheap applause while keeping the audience dumb enough for the next movie which divorces itself from physics. 
And you make fun of Rajini Kanth, hypocrites!

Unlimited stamina!


The hurdles leg of the Bollywood Ironman challenge
Source: dooleyonline.com
Next time you see a chase scene in the movie, time it and try running at your top speed for the same amount of time. If you succeed, congrats! You're really in shape. In most cases, it'll bring you to the stark reality of having to run for your life without getting tired AT ALL!
What's their secret? Gatorade? The star from Mario? Multiple takes? Unless the characters involved in the chase are established as long distance runners, I'm not buying this.


The script


I know the script is the least funded element of the movie, as opposed to the main actors' ego. After a while, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

Character arc - The Male

There are only two character transformations for a male protagonist. The most popular being turning from demi god to god status. Most of this doesn't involve using the brain in any which way. Thus giving the message to children out there that any problem can be solved by punching it away. This most definitely won't lead to a violent generation of men. But smoking is totally fatal yo!


All this and I'm just being god human
Source: movietalkies.com


The more recent character arc which is unfortunately the coming of age saga where a boy(read: Ranbir Kapoor) starts his journey as a happy person and ends up being married and shit. Why can't the person show responsibility by paying his taxes or helping his Mom do the dishes or something?


Coming of age movie?
Source: One India wallpapers


Character arc - The Female

There are only two ways a female protagonist can evolve her character. One is the common nerd to fun loving type, aka, she let her hair down and took off her glasses female character arc.

Sources: Rediff.com and missmalini.com

Another is the Slut whore bitch to Indian woman metamorphosis. The Slut whore bitch creature would include characteristics like drinking, smoking, wearing clothes burnt by Gandhi and bringing attention to herself. The Indian woman would mostly stand in """traditional""" Indian wear(there aren't enough "s) while folding her hands over her crotch, you know, since the opposing team is about to take a free kick.

Now there's a shy Indian women dressed traditionally and conservatively (till nightfall)
Source: Hot actress photos (Apparently)


Where are your parents?

No seriously, where are they in most of these stories? Do you know how weird that would be in real life?

How I met your mother, but both if us don't exist
Source: Apne.tv



The actors


'Super' 'stars'


I'm tired of these mudda fuggin' stars in these mudda fuggin' movies! We get it, you're a big star, everyone loves you. You don't have to slyly refer to the fact in your movies. The fact that you still are making movies should be enough for someone sans inferiority complex.
So enough of the references towards older and more credible movies, hero shots, protracted intro shots, 100 feet tall bill boards and temples. You made money off of us, you made decent movies, you aren't a bad human being(well, some of you). Now go make headlines by having a spectacular death and being immortalized for the same.
At the end of the day, it's the fault of the 'fans' for injecting so much of self obsession into their 'idols'. Did you know that those rich people wouldn't look in your direction even if you threw yourself at them naked?

Ya ya, you love me, I'm awesome. Now talk to the hand
Source: wn.com

Younger roles

If Leo Dicaprio can't do it, then you probably shouldn't either. The term 'suspension of disbelief'  is already proverbially stretched thin as it is. Please spare us of your delusional ego trip where you get surgery and you'll live for a couple of more decades or so.
Source: Imdb.com

The movie

Sequels and remakes

Remember back when trilogies were good? Me neither.
Source: The Indian Express archives
The ultimate evidence that we, as a country, are henceforth artistically bankrupt. That and the fact that we haven't put down Uday Chopra. It also proves that we've reached the pinnacle of going the safe way, ie, reusing tried and tested formula over and over again. But what do those discussions in those boardrooms go like?
"I got it! I have a fresh idea. We can make a movie about...pants!"
"Pants?"
"Everyone wears pants. It's topical!"
"You sure about this?"
"Nah, let's remake/make a sequel to Zanjeer."
"Right, borrow credibility when we have none."


Ripping off Hollywood

This happened? How desperate can you be fools?
Source: itimes.com
Despite all the criticism towards Hollywood and hatred towards the 'aping the west' concept, Bollywood seems to love the idea. When not making sequels and remakes of older, better Bollywood movies, producers now seem to think it's good idea to make unauthorized remakes of older better Hollywood movies.
At this point, we all know it's no longer about the creativity and originality as we get one of those types per year. By repeatedly feeding the audience dribble, it has become the standard, which, by any perspective, is currently cub par.
How's this for a fresh idea - If you don't have any idea as to what to make for your next movie, go home and not spend your money.


Can you think of anymore movie cliches floating around(or flowering up) these days. I'd like to make a video of these things.

10 comments:

  1. Typo alert: Loch ness monster. That just bothered me. Stared at it till it transformed into a bollywood movie filled with clichés and filled my empty life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. HOW YOU DARE MOCK OUR CULTURE CALLED 'ZA BOLLYWOOD' ...YOU BRUTUS!!!!!
    Then there is the 'Sudden location change from Mumbai to switzerland in a matter of second', 'Change if clothes in a split second'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (sigh) RIP logic. I miss that guy.

      Delete
  3. And most irritating song sequence ever- we need a heroine dancing around in busy streets, churches and what not. Just so ppl get how bubbly she is!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and she gets brutally run over by a...oh wait, that's Final Destination.

      Delete
  4. "Cub par" => Akin to a tiger cub :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or a person with Spoonerism trying to indicate a 4 wheeled vehicular transport which houses alcohol and general entertainment.

      Delete
  5. Cliche #6: The sad violin whine

    It's not so much sad, as pneumatic-drill-into-the-ear bad. Every time a maa, babuji, dost or dushman-turned-dost goes into that protracted dance sequence called death (slo-mo falling, slo-mo facial expressions, slo-mo knees hitting the floor, slo-mo hands reaching out to dosts/dushmans etc etc) that terrible high pitched violin kicks in, making you fervently wish for a quick death (for the actor, or for yourself).

    Violinist dude/dudette, I will find you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure any idiotic movie around the world would employ that if they are of the belief that death sells.

      Delete

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