What we NEED and DON'T NEED at Indian weddings

Having taken part in the wedding festivities of my Cousin recently, I had more than enough time to look around and figure out what sucks in an Indian wedding and what it misses. I know it was a South Indian Hindu wedding, but I'm pretty sure the following points apply to all Indian weddings.

What we don't need : Stupid formal wedding invitations

You know what I'm talking about. That glorified piece of cardboard with generic wordings. They don't change AT ALL. How about a comic where the groom saves the bride from a fire-breathing dragon! No? Does it differ too much from your mindset of mediocrity and conformity? Well then, given below is the template for EVERY Hindu wedding invitation.

What we need : Nametags

Enclosed within every stupid invitation sent out, should be a name tag where a person can fill in their personal details and come for the wedding. This saves a lot of time wasted trying to remember where you've seen someone before and the most moronic question of "Do you recognize me beta?" can be completely avoided.

What we don't need : Match maker Aunties

There will be those Aunties who are so completely bored with their lives that they must ruin others' for the sake of their sadistic entertainment. If you are single at a wedding, these vultures descent upon you with eyes gleaming of maliciousness and boredom. They start their assault with small talk just to size you up. They have only begun to warm up. 

The real invasion begins with a seemingly innocent question such as "How old are you?". Then comes the full on attack about how they know your uncle's brother-in-laws grandfather's cousin's son's grand daughter/son who is just as ripe as you are for the plucking. Skipping through 15 minutes of diatribe about how one should settle down and have children and what not, they end with a casual parting shot about you being next with the same menacing qualities of Arnie's "I'll be back", except there is no cool background music for them.

Sometimes, if the victim is putting up a struggle, the assailant brings in another Aunty into the fray so as to double the impact. This repeats till the victim gives into the supposedly wonderful match or commits suicide, whichever occurs first.

What we need : BATMAN!

Imagine replacing all the annoying Aunties with the Dark Knight himself. He'd just be walking about introducing himself - "I'M BATMAN!". Or he'll be perching atop a chandelier just gazing down on the crowd looking for punks to beat up with his bare hands. If nothing, he can give the perfect replies to any and all idiotic questions and statements. What can I say, Christopher Nolan has ensured that generations to come can quote the living hell out of the Dark Knight trilogy!

What we don't need : Superstitions

Isn't it wonderful that you need to wait for all the planets to be in perfect alignment and in standing ovation before you can tie the knot? Then you have to wait exactly 3 hours and 20 minutes doing nothing but wait to exit the venue since leaving earlier on a tuesday will cause death by spontaneous combustion to both sets of parents. Now all you need is a previously married couple, a saree, a duck and a Russian war criminal to escort the newly weds to the house where they are expected to fornicate for the first time.

Ah finally! But wait! There's more!

If some random con artist (read : ass-trologer) has read your asses correctly, you can't stay in the same room as your new bride. Why? Because the stars say so. Still not convinced? BECAUSE GOD! Now that you're convinced  let's see what all ceremonies are required before you can clip your toenails.

What we need : Cut to the chase

We all know men get married for the sexy time. Women get married because, well, that's what they were created for. What else? For being all independant and shit? PUH-LEEZE!

So forget all traditions and superstitions. Bride and Groom exchange rings/flowers/DNA/whatever. Bored guests are given food and shooed off. Bride and Groom airlifted to honeymoon location. The End.

What we don't need : Fancy filmy wedding photos

Couples these days are adopting traditions and idiosyncrasies from other cultures for the sake of being different and kewl. It all sounds fun, so have a blast! Just have mercy on your facebook friends when you bombard us with those wedding photos in all those awesometacular poses. It started as a novelty, now it's become the new standard. You don't have to try too hard to be all different. You decided to get married in the first place, which is the most common thing everyone does.

Now a four way live in relationship involving a goat, THAT'S DIFFERENT!

What we don't need : Foreshadowing wedding photos

If a wedded couple should pose in a more realistic manner of the things to come in the rest of their lives, it should involve vegetables. Nothing occupies a married couple's conversation more than vegetables. So why should it not also occupy most of their wedding photos?