Top 5 reasons why NOT to have children

#5 : Population control

Let's start with the obvious one here. In case you haven't noticed, this planet seems to have a human problem. Our technology and fast reproduction rates are killing the planet faster than the rights of a Bollywood movie being sold to a television network to compensate for the poor box office performance. I conducted a survey with 100 random couples in India and they all unanimously asked me to get out of their bedroom. But if these 100 couples didn't have children, then the number of people lesser on this planet will decrease exponentially within a century, as opposed to procreation.

Instead of repeatedly hearing "Save the planet for our children", you can simply just choose not to have children who will be the primary cause of ruin of this planet you are trying to save for. Even if your restraint does not lead to any improvement in the condition of the planet, relax, now the children you DIDN'T have won't have to endure the horrendous experience called Earth.

If the plan does work, eventually, humans will go extinct. Nothing negative about that happening. So stop being selfish and do your planet a favour!

With humanity gone, who will like my status update

#4 : Your facebook friends will not have to hate you

Would you like it if I came up to you and started slapping you across the face with photos of my cat? You wouldn't? Aww!

I too really love my cat and she poops on the floor too, if we keep her indoors. I too find even the littlest things she does as endearing and cute. It's just that I chose to keep it to myself. If I choose to post half a million photos of my cat on my FB page, you will judge me as someone who has nothing better to do in life. Well then, I shall go ahead and judge you as a boring imbecile who has nothing better to do in life than let other people know that their obsession with their own offspring is rational.

Yes, I know there are others like you who support your infatuation with likes and comments. Yeah, they've nothing better to do with their lives either. Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go put my cat to sleep with a bedtime story.

My cat; will post the other 1,563,098,133 photos ASAP

#3 : More time to focus on your marriage(more sexy time)

Let's face it, married couples who have children were either getting bored with their marriage or just decided to start using a cheaper brand of condom. How about you man up and face that mundane wedlock! 

Imagine if a couple is unable to have children in ANY way. They would be forced to become more interesting people so as to keep their spouse entertained for the rest of eternity. Everyday would end with 'Oh God! I've to think of things to talk about tomorrow' since you don't have a wailing bacteria factory to keep you distracted. This pressure to perform would either make you a more captivating human being, or would lead to suicide or divorce, which ever is cheaper(suicide).

Also, no more 'just missionary' for you losers! You come from the land of Kamasutra, read the damn book already! Try position number 51a, yes, the one with the goat and car battery.

Always a good remedy for boring marriages

#2 : No more Aunties

I don't mean your parent's sisters. I mean the ones who make boring small talk, watch and hence promote useless TV and want everyone around them to get married so that they too can be fat and miserable like them. Seriously, no one likes them! But Indian women are beautiful. What turns these beautiful creatures into balls of snobbery and annoyance? Could it be that a woman can only transform into an Aunty after having a child(Read : someone to boss over) ? Show me a woman who obsesses about their children and I'll show you a woman who would be absolutely bored with her life once the children try to figure out lives of their own. If the child bites the bullet and rebels against their Mother, she would have her hands full and would be preoccupied. If the child does bend down to the Mother's whims, she would only seek to defeat other lives as well.

 

The ONLY accepted Aunty there is

#1 : Narcotics!

So what do you do with your life if you an uninteresting person. How about drugs? You know you've always wanted to try them. You're only keeping away since you will be judged by society. Now that you're no longer going to become someone's role model, might as well try it, you may end up liking it.

This will soon be followed by by a phase where you gain the confidence to pursue your dream(unless you get addicted) and you will set forth to achieve your one true goal, that thing you were meant for. Due to the abysmal condition of reality, you will mostly end up failing miserably and end in a deep depression which would end in prostitution, more drugs and a sad death. If you are a quitter that is. Those who really deserve it, will try and try again till they reach the levels befit of them.

So not having children will cleanse mankind of the quitters and push them down to the lowest of strati, while only the great ones will excel. Can't wait to get started!

If you ain't out of your mind yet, you're not trying hard enough