A brusque history of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana



Images courtesy Wikipedia

Long ago, before pepper spray was invented...

5th century AD, near the Krishna river...

Vishnukundina king: So Telugu is henceforth our official language.

People: Telugu, got it!

Vishnukundina king: Now don't go fighting with others over that fact, okay?

People: How can we? We're predominantly Buddhists.

Ghost of Gauthama Buddha past: Make nirvana, not war. (smokes weed)

Vishnukundina king: Fair point, anything else needs to be changed?

People: How about the stupid name of your dynasty?

Vishnukundina king: What?

People: What?

14th century AD, Telangana and Rayalaseema regions...

Tuglaq dynasty: Wazza bitches!

Rayalaseema People: Whoa! You guys are like, totally changing our dialect and shit. We can't...

Telenganites: Wait, with all the Persian influences, we talk different from you folks near the costal regions.

Coastal folks: 'Talk differently'.

Rayalaseema People: Can we kill them?

Tuglaq dynasty: Invasions are always fun!

17th century AD, Deccan plains...

Aurangzeb: They sure are!

People: Oh my god! They killed Telugu!

Costal folks: You bastards!

People: Let's put our dialects aside and join forces to vanquish...

Aurangzeb: Biriyani anyone?

Biriyani: (looks delicious)

People: HELL YEAH!

Paradise hotel: Let's patent this sonuvabitch!

18th century AD, Hyderabad...

Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, Mughal Inc. is done for. What now? How will we obtain the required financial resources to go on frivolous hunting trips and pose sideways for portraits now?

East India Company: Perhaps we could be of some assistance, chaps. Would you mind renting out this little stretch of land here?

Nizam of Hyderabad: Sold! Don't be late on your rent.

East India Company: Jolly good! Anything else while we're here?

Nizam of Hyderabad: You mind keeping these barbarians out of our hunting grounds?

Hyder Ali: Watcha gonna go brother? When these rockets run wild on you?

Peshwa of Maratha Empire: Let me at em! Let me at em! Hinduuuuu

poweeeerr!

Nizam's older brother: Hey bro! Let me in. I won't rip your head off and claim Dad's throne. I promise! (crosses fingers)

East India Company: You savages make it too easy!

19th century AD, England...

Queen: I now declare these areas of this map, the Madras Presidency. Roll call. Rayalaseema?

Rayalaseema People: Here!

Queen: Coastal Andhra regions?

Coastal folks: Here!

Queen: Anyone who talks Tamil?

Modern day(but not really) Tamil Nadu: Here!

Queen: Malabar Kerala?

Malayalis: As long as no one calls us Madarasis two hundred years from now...I mean, here!

Nizam of Hyderabad: Please do take care of my lands, regards, the World's Richest man, the owner of a mere 2% of planet's GDP, a real...

Queen: Silence puppet!

Nizam of Hyderabad: Yes ma'am!

20th century AD, Indian Independence struggle...

Nehru: We're free! We're free!

Gandhiji: Ram ram (dead).

Nizam of Hyderabad: I get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!

Nehru: You're surrounded by India on all sides.

Nizam of Hyderabad: Well, I still get to keep my place. Nyah nyah nyah!

Nehru: Let me rephrase, you're surrounded by Indian TROOPS on all sides.

Nizam of Hyderabad: I still get to...okay, you win.

1952-53 AD, India...

Potti Sreeramulu: In the interest of the Telugu people, the Telugu culture and the overall Teluguness of things, I demand a separate state for Telugu people.

Nehru: WTF DUDE! We're India now. Why're you trying to break us apart especially after we just broke apart.

Jinnah: Woo! Look at all these fertile lands Gandhi gave me!

Potti Sreeramulu: No dice! Telugu land now or I diet till death.

Nehru: Why you no listen man? We were Salt Satyagraha buddies and everything.

Potti Sreeramulu: Not. Swallowing. Anything.

Nehru: Fine! See if I care, you wanted Madras as your capital. The city is outside of your territory genius.

Potti Sreeramulu: (dead)

Nehru: .......fuck!

People: Oh-Em-GEE! We're so affected by this, we're gonna break stuff!

Nehru: FINE! Every language gets states. Rayalaseema, Coastal regions, you shall henceforth be Andhra state. Now STFU and be Telugu to your heart's content.

1956 AD, Hyderabad...

Hyderabad: Hey guys, can I also play?
Andhra state: Dude, do you even Telugu?
Hyderabad: For tots guys, for tots!
Andhra state: Yeah, we'll take just that part I guess.
Hyderabad: YAY! But what of the left overs?
Telangana: Wait, what?
Andhra State Pradesh: Give the non-Telugu scraps to them.
Karnataka: I feel like we're getting a shitty deal here.
Maharashtra: Chillax dude, at least we ain't East Pakistan.
Not yet Bangladesh: I hate everyone so much!

1969 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: Um, guys...could we...get some water?
Andhra Pradesh: Shhh! We're watching Aradhana...ahem...in Telugu subtitles.

1985 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telengana: Okay, this sucks. Can you please...stop hogging all the water?
Andhra Pradesh: zzzzzzz....

2004 AD, Andhra Pradesh...
Telangana: SCREW THIS SHIT! We want our own room and Hyderabad!

2009 AD, India...
Government: Hmmm, 42 seats? Yeah, I guess.
Telangana: Woo hoo!
Andhra Pradesh: Whoa whoa whoa, not woo hoo!

2013 AD, some IT company...
Andhrite: You know, these Telangana people are only good for eating and fucking. Hyderabad is our baby. Why should we give it to them?
Skeptic: Are you sure?
Andhrite: YOU BLASPHEME! You're a supporter of the anti-christ Kejriwal, aren't you.
Skeptic: Anarchist.
Andhrite: I won't hand over Hyderabad to you or Telangana. It has IMax!
Skeptic: (sigh)

2014 AD, Delhi...
Government: So Telangana's happening y'all.
Pepper spray Gopal: Over my can's dead nozzle!
Skeptic: (deeper sigh)

2020 AD, some other IT company...
APJ: Why isn't India a super power yet?
Cyberabadite: You know, these Secunderabad people are only good for eating and fucking.
Skeptic: (deepest sigh)

Fin