2 year anniversary in the IT industry

Techie : GOD! Oh God! God! GOOOOOOOOD!
God : What is it you sonnuvabeech?!!
Techie : God! My name is...
God : OI! Don't mention any names here else someone from some community will surely be offended and come chop off someone's hands.
Techie : Uh....ok! Well, I have this huge problem...
God : I'm sure so does 6.5 billion others but please go on...
Techie : ....the thing is, today I just completed............one whole year in..............the same Software company!
God : ......and?
Techie : That's pretty much it! I thought the tension rising effect clearly gave out my selfish and narrow minded ideas.
God : Ok! So what would you like me to do humble sir? Since that's when everyone thinks of God, when they need something.
Techie : I don't know! Make me Secret Agent, or a Space Cowboy, or a Secret Agent Space Cowboy.
God : Firstly, I'm not a fucking genie. Secondly, what's so bad about 1 year in the same company.
Techie : Don't you know how many status mails I had to send? How many data entry type jobs I had to perform? How many...
God : HEY! How about explaining it all in layman's terms. I'm not the conventional all knowing all protecting God that fits into 1 religion.
Techie : Slightly confusing, but ok. It's like this, this is the prime of my life and I'm working away like slave. I want to break free, spread my tired wings and other exaggerated metaphors.
God : Slaves didn't get paid and you're just repeating what you read in forwards.
Techie : Ok, so a meagerly paid slave. Who gets to read forwards.
God : You do realize that the IT industry is the most highly paid...
Techie : Ahhhh! No details. Point being, life wasted! Just by developing or testing a software, I'm making life simple for some American company and their clients. How does that improve the world?
God : Ok! So how about you donate most of your money to charity and go work in orphanages? How about saving those rainforests full of hostile animal life? Speaking of which, many animals out there are getting extinct due excessive pollution. Cleaning up the ecosystem would help.
Techie : ......
God : Maybe you can work in the Army, finally do something about those bad terrorists you keep insulting when you talk big with your friends.
Techie : Uh! How about something where I don't have to do much work but get paid so that I can keep living my life the way I do now? And yeah, also get to criticise anything and everything?
God : I'm sure that's how all Secret Agent Space Cowboys enjoy their days. And didn't I tell you I'm not a genie?
Techie : So you're saying I'm pretty much stuck with this eh?
God : Well, you can try some other field rather than bitch about this.
Techie : But I have no other skills.
God : Technically, your same job can be taught to 10th Standard students within a few weeks. I'm sure they're more skilled than you as well.
Techie : What about my 4 years of engineering and stuff?
God : We all know you cleared that by mugging, chits and fluke. Just 'cause society tells you that you're good at academics and profession doesn't mean you are.
Techie : Your insults should be demoralising me but I won't let it. I shall use this new found passion and reach places!
God : Just remember, for every Albert Einstein, there are a million Albert Kochappans who tried but vanished into obscurity.
Techie : I shall stop my whining and rise above my current conditions.
God : Why do you talk as if you have a cancer?

1 year later...
Techie : God? It's me. Techie from last year. I'm still suffering in front of my keyboard. God? GOD! GOOOOOOOOOD!!
God : Happy 2nd anniversary mofo! Now go die!

Enlightenment at the MBA Tour, Bangalore [September 19th]

This Sunday I attended the MBA tour in Bangalore. It was pretty much a disappointment for me as most universities wanted more than I can offer(as they often do). Well, I do have very little to offer after donating my blood, soul and central nervous system to the great white-ass-kissing slavery that is the IT industry. 

The website had mentioned business attire so I walked in with a crumpled shirt, jeans and a pair of sneakers, since I’m a rebel of sorts and wanted to make trouble for the establishment. Take that society! My companion had worn a gorilla face t-shirt and unwashed jeans. As the British would put it, “Simple Marvellous! Absolutely Smashing!”, and then they would go drink tea and engage in sexual intercourse with huge pigs they call wives.

OH YEAH! Dressed to...uh....MBA?

But then I saw the place crawling with neatly pressed formal wear with nerds inside them. Some people were getting married that day and decided to wear their rental blazers to the event, two burdens with one suit. As though they weren’t a pain to look at, they had the most awesome-est business oriented stick-up-the-ass queries. I didn’t get most of what they said ‘cause I hardly read newspapers and I don’t experiment with my rectal opening. They didn’t get half of the jokes the foreign university people were telling ‘cause they left their sense of humour back in their mothers’ womb. Despite how much I generally want to kill off all these types of bastards, there are 3 in particular I would add to my hot list.

Mr. Lonely

A guy so desperate, he needed to talk to some foreign university person at every millisecond of his life. Take a break dude!

Counsellor 1 : ....Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.

Mr.Lonely : Ok...OMG! I have finished talking to that person. I must find a new foreigner to talk to before my head explodes.......oh crap! Oh crap!....AH! There...Chinese person! Please tell me something about your university.

Counsellor 2 : Hi! Well we are.........so Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.

Mr.Lonely : Ya thanks....Oh god! I’m lonely again! Why is the world so cruel to me?.......Why? Why? Why? Why?....AHA! You! Tell me everything I need to know.

Plant : Dude! You’re talking to a potted plant.

Mr. Lonely : I DON’T CARE! I just can’t survive for a moment without running around to every living thing present in this room.

Squeaky Gushmouth : The master of Append

Squeaky came from behind while I was listening to an admissions person. First I thought it was some female with a cold and then pow! The female had a moustache and no essential aspects. Squeaky looked harmless enough with his glasses and his won’t-interrupt-you attitude but I was taken aback when Mr.Gushmouth opened his mouth and let out the first Squeak.

Squeaky : Sir sir, so please explain to the lengthy selection process in a few paragraphs. It will only take a few months of your life no?

Admissions guy : Well, why don’t you take a look at our website and not bother me now.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Will foreign students get loan for tuition fees?

Admissions : No, we hate foreigners as much as you. We cook them in a large container and feed them to sharks.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How is the job market like in your country?

Admissions guy : Market is open all the time. We sell good jobs at affordable rates per kilo.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Can I take 2 brochures of your university so that I can have one for each hand?

Admissions guy : Yeah sure. Whatever turns you on.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Does this tie make me look fat?

Admissions guy : If you are hitting on me, yes. Otherwise, no.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How much salt would there be in all the oceans combined.

Admissions guy : Not sure, but I wonder if there is enough to kill you instantly of dehydration.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....

Several more IMPORTANT questions later...

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....

Admissions guy : Dude, I died several centuries ago. This is just a figment of your imagination

My great great great great Grand Son : Look kids! This is the monster that killed your Great great great great great Grand Father during an MBA fair just like this.

My (great) x 5 Grand kids : WOOOOOW! He looks so serious!

Squeaky : And one more thing..... And one more thing..... And one more thing.....

Emperor Black Hole

The best for last. He’s the reason I still keep a strong belief that humans need to be eradicated. He started off as any other bald guy asking questions to the admissions person. Without us realizing, there was a black hole forming inside his mouth. By the time we figured out, the black hole had already absorbed our patience and will to live. Soon, the gravitational force of the black hole was so high that we were all holding on for our lives. Soon, the entire universe just collapses into this guy’s mouth and still he’s  going on none stop.

The Emperor : Will you differentiate between people who’ve had experience abroad and those who didn’t.

Admissions dude : That’s the whole point of it you see. Even though we tell you that we give equal importance to both, we obviously want people with experience abroad, since that’s what you will be doing, experiencing stuff ABROAD!

The Emperor : No you see, the reason why I asked was because one of my friends went onsite while I wasn’t sent.

Admissions dude : Out of all the things in the history of stuff that people didn’t give a damn about, I’m sure this will be ranked in the top 3.

The Emperor : I feel that I’m more qualified than him and am therefore better for your university.

Admissions dude : Oh please give us more details. This is as interesting as watching paint dry.

The Emperor : So when he was sent onsite and I wasn’t blah blah blah blah...

Me : Ahem! AHEM!

The Emperor : And that’s how I defeated the 3 headed dragon. Moving onto my 4^th standard, blah blah me me me blah blah.

Me : hmmmmm

The Emperor : So then I blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Me : AARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Admissions dude : Is it me, or is the gravitational force towards this bastard’s mouth increase.

Security person : EVERYONE! Take cover, it’s a black hole! Quick! Take these black hole emergency kits!

Admissions dude : A shot of tequila?

Security  person : Last drink. You thought we could actually escape infinite gravity?

Me : Did someone say tequila?

The Emperor : MEEE MEEE MEEEEE BLLAAAAAAAAAAHHH BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Fucking socio-pathic nerds!

Here’s a snap of The Emperor with another random serious person.

Thank god for eye censorship thingy

I know what you're thinking : "No wonder he wasn't qualified since he (dressed like that/spent the time observing people)". You might be true, you might not be. But the important thing is - Sachin Tendulkar is AWESOME!

My not-so-generic love story

After reading all the love stories out there, I thought I should tell about a different incident from the guy’s perspective. Of course it is involving an idiot guy and a cute girl next door. The idiot guy being me and the cute girl next door being……

Bhojanapriya ©

Coming back from school I tried to look over my neighbour’s gate to steal a peek at her. Unfortunately my short stature didn’t help me look over the 4 foot gate! DAMN! Now I’m gonna have to wait till evening when her rich dad opens their expensive gate.

With the magic of time manipulation and crappy narration, it is already evening. So her dad opens the gate and there she was. To welcome her presence the crickets were chirping, the sun was shining, the flowers were blossoming, there was a soft breeze gently brushing against my face, the trees were doing whatever trees do, the butterflies were fluttering by, the ants were biting at my feet, cars were honking and a lot of angry people were shouting. Wait! What was I talking about? Oh right! The girl! As I slowly walked towards her gate from the middle of the road, the drivers passed insulting every one of my living and dead ancestor.

This is the point of the story where I describe her I guess. Her hair looked something like a crow’s nest, in fact I think a crow was nesting there. I was never able to make out her eyes since they were behind the thickest pair of glasses I have ever seen. Her nose was so pointed, she could’ve had a mosquito as a parent(or maybe she was genetically engineered, I dunno). I could catch occasional glimpses of her rosy lips underneath her moustache. Her skin was just like those gals in the commercials, with enough oil there for USA to declare that her nose is hiding weapons of mass destruction.

As I stood there admiring her beauty, I could hear the music slowly playing behind me, “Aankhon mein teri”. Actually, Om Shanthi Om wasn’t released at that time but I’m narrating so NYAH! All the while I’m walking in slow motion thus enabling me to say all this while still not reaching her.

Just then I noticed the cute puppy in her arms, Pingy or Tingy or something she called it.  Poor lil Chingy was cuddling in her arms out of fear from the fierce outside world. Suddenly a driver passing by insulted me, “you piece of ” and lil Dinky jumped from her arms and ran towards me out of fear. Simultaneously, I happened to trip on a rather large stone lying right in the middle of the road, what can I say? Indian roads! As I stumble forward, Jingy comes to a complete stop watching in amusement as I try to regain my balance. But I didn’t, and I landed clean on her puppy crushing it to death instantly. I get up quickly and regain my poise. MAN! She must think I’m an ass, tripping and falling down in front of her. Oh yeah, and the dead puppy thing.

So I keep walking towards her. It’s a very wide road dude! So I continue walking with the envelope in my hand. Wait, did I forget to mention the envelope the whole time? DAMMIT! So yeah, there was an envelope in my hand the whole time! Moving on, I finally reach her. She stands there looking at me with a look of pleasant surprise or complete disgust, I couldn’t say which. It took me months to gather enough courage to finally come up and face her so I take a deep breath and speak…

“It took me months to gather enough courage to finally come up and face you.”

Then I hold out my hand and realize the envelope isn’t there. With my brain power and quick thinking, I deduce within a mere 22 minutes that the envelope was in my other hand. So I hold up that hand now and tell her…

“This letter is for you.”

I tell her about its importance…

 “It is important!”

Just then, the spirit of the lil dog I just murdered possessed the wind and blew so hard on my hand the envelope was swept away. We both look at the envelope flew away, so I turned around and left.

? THE END ¿

DISCLAIMER : All of the characters in the above story are fictitious including me. I, myself am just a figment of my imagination. Eat that paradox fools! HA HA!

How to ruin a corporate dance perfomance

At some point of time while working for a corporate, some celebration or festival will occur where a lot of ‘cultural events’ will be hosted. These are to keep the insignificant employees from realizing the fact that the company is slowly stealing their souls. The most applause from these soul-less degenerates will go for the dance numbers. This is a guide as to how to ruin a perfectly good dance performance starting from the preparation process. The following steps have been proven effective from actual application.

STEP 1 : Waste all your money

Now since the cultural event will have a committee, there’ll be funding. Most people will refuse to part with their hardly earned money so the funds will be minimal for the dance. The WRONG thing to do in such a case would be to take the money and buy proper costumes for the dancers. Thus the CORRECT thing to do is to feed what little money collected to the pigs. By pigs, I don’t mean the fat disgusting omnivorous swine that live in farms, I mean the fat disgusting omnivorous swine that call themselves the Management. Even if you don’t needlessly waste your money on them, they’ll come over and ask you for it anyways. So everyone is happy.

STEP 2 : Practice is over rated

Now you might be thinking, any ordinary person can become a good dancer with enough practice. That’s the WRONG idea. Who wants to see good dancers anymore? The CORRECT thing to do is to practice very little, by waking up late and having 4 meals a day, going out to booze, puking and then passing out. So lethargy is the word of the day. Life is too short to spend on practicing for some dance. ENJOY!

STEP 3 : The perfect stage

Since this is a corporate, you’d have paid the management to build you a good stage. So this step pretty much carries itself out. The fat pigs probably spent all the money buying hundreds of Lay’s packets. So with whatever small change they got, they’ll stick together some random objects and pass it off as a stage. The WRONG type of stage will be a permanent solid spacious stage. The CORRECT type, and what we want, will be built in 15 minutes, consists of crevices and gaping holes and would be small enough to fit only a bunch of short Chinese performers. Features like bad location would only be an added bonus.

STEP 4 : Girls > Boys

It is a known fact that a girls group dance will have more photographers than a boys group dance. So instead of equality(WRONG) what must be done is that all the technical help should be given to the girls group dance. The boy dancers should be blinded by stage smoke and light at unnecessary levels. The music should mostly be kept at a low volume and should be fluctuated for added confusion. The boys now visually confused and out of sync will somehow stumble through the entire performance with the grace of Abhishek Bachchan. This step would only be fully CORRECT if the girls dance consists of no smoke and laser lighting to cover up the steps and the music be in full blast so that it drowns all other noises.

END RESULT

The boys will perform the dance completely out of sync due to lack of practice. This lack of coordination will be worsened by the fact that there isn’t enough space to even walk around(let alone jump around) though there is a lot of place to trip and fall. Finally, as the icing on the shit cake, the poor music system and confusing lights will destroy whatever little amount of cohesion there was to begin with. To the un trained eye it will simply look like a bunch of drunkards doing a lot of random stuff, but what they don’t know is the amount of work and number of people that have gone behind this god awful performance.

PRECAUTIONS

1.      These steps will not work if the performers are a bunch of small Chinese men. They’ll easily fit on stage and jump over all gaps and crevices using their kung fu. Also, their appearance will confuse the technical people into thinking they’re girls and provide them with good volume music and no crappy flashy effects. Mostly the disadvantage being that small Chinese men are natural enemies of fat pigs and will kill them before they can take the money.

2.      This will work only in companies where the Management are a bunch of greedy pigs. I’m just kidding! We all know that the Management consists of only greedy pigs irrespective of the company.

3.      Brushing your teeth twice a day can be injurious to your health. The only way to drive away an angry mob after this performance is with bad breath, since you’ll be too tired to physically fight them off.

Remember, it’s your dance performance. Make sure you have lots of fun ruining it for the audience who actually expected something.