Stuck in Trissur, waiting for our bus back to Bangalore, we decided to pass time by watching whatever movie was playing wherever. We arrived at the famous Raagam theatre which was showing Tony Jaa’s Ong Bak 3. This was preceded by half an hour of auto guys refusing to even stop for us since we didn’t walk, talk or look like locals. Bleddy racists!
Don’t misunderstand the word theatre for the word multiplex. This was your typical laacal theatre where the place smells like 5rs packet pop corn and you couldn’t book tickets from the comfort of your own home. And how much did the tickets cost?
Taz rite mudda fuggas! And no, you high maintenance bitches, the place wasn’t infested with rats, rapists and the stereotypical assassination-in-the-dark-gang-wars. But it wasn’t infested with Gucci, Versace or Lacoste either (originals anyways).
As for the movie, well, critics praise it for the action/buffoonery but criticize the (lack of) story. Oh right, it was also dubbed, badly, as in #EPIC #FAIL stereotypical mallu accent dubbing. Dialogues include:-
Visual : Heroine being dragged away by bad guys.
Audio : No no....late me go no....no no....say-ww me no....HELLLLLL-P!
Visual : Bad guys beating villagers and elephants with sticks for no apparent reason.
Audio : But! The new king rooled the king dum with even more wickedness and deceit.
Visual : Good guy’s final confrontation with main bad guy.
Audio : You CAN’T killll ye LE-GENT!
Visual : Bad guy ready to throw a spear at the good guy.
Audio : Now get reddy....to go....to the king dum of the DEH’DD!
Now since I have nothing much to do, I shall explain the story SCENE BY SCENE, which is the sequel to Ong Bak 2 and the prequel to Ong Bak or some shit like that. SPOILER ALERT!
1. Flashback about some evil king.
2. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using his chains.
3. Some noisy shit about some evil king.
4. Bad guy does stuff(excludes acting well).
5. Some noisy shit about some evil king with CGI.
6. Heroine performs weird bendy Thai dance for Tony Jaa.
7. Audience falls asleep.
8. Flashback about some evil king.
9. Tony Jaa trains and puts on fake beard.
10. Some noisy shit about some evil king.
11. Intermission.
12. Audience wakes up and consider leaving.
13. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using his bare hands.
14. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using a stick.
15. MOST AWESOME SCENE : Bad guy gets cursed by head of person he just decapitated.
16. Bad guy kills heroine.
17. Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using elephants and huge statues.
18. Bad guy kills Tony Jaa.
19. Tony Jaa rewinds to before scene 15 magically. (Seriously, he does!)
20. Tony Jaa kills bad guy.
21. CREDITS : Directed, Produced, Written, Starring, Choreographed by Tony Jaa.
22. Audience leave theatre wondering what just transpired.
I was actually left with one question : How does one rule a kindgom with wickedness and deceit? I get the wickedness part, you can just be an asshole and rule a kingdom. But deceit? Does one trick people into stuff for the kingdom which wasn’t their task or something?
“You! Servant! Go polish my shit stained shoes with your tongue, as I RULE this kingdom with wickedness!”
Servant leaves to salivate.
“Actually, someone had already polished my shit stained shoes. LOL! I also rule this kingdom with deceit.”
This is the only trailer I could find with all the crap I was talking about as well as bad sub titles.