Experiments in patriotism : My Cat

"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel"

- Samuel Johnson

 I was looking around lately, and realized this country is going to the dogs. In order to take it back from the dogs, or at least to make my ego feel better, I decided to conduct an experiment. An experiment in PATRIOTISM! *EPIC MUSIC*

Since the country was going to the dogs, I decided to patriotically conduct the patriotic experiment on my cat. If that patriotic logic doesn't sit well with you, then you should skip the patrioticness in me as you are not patriotic enough.

My cat; obviously excited for being the subject of this experiment 

Session #1: Which culture do you follow?

The culture and heritage of our great nation is unmatched. Since we do not have the knowledge or insight of our ancestors, we must do the next best thing - repeatedly keep referring to our past as long as it is convenient to our situation.

Example 1: If India loses to Australia in a crucial test match, it's not because our cricketers were over indulging in product endorsements and spent less time in practice. We are cultured people who have higher pursuits in the spiritual realms and can't be bothered by the brute force of these un-evolved Aussie creatures. Had the cricket match been played in the astral plane, we'd have won hands down.

Example 2: If your daughter/wife/sister wants to do something which she wants, tell her she can't. In the ancient days of the Indian caveman, if the woman left the cave, she would most definitely be raped by a gorilla. This would not happen if she listened to the man and did not leave the cave. So your daughter/wife/sister can't do anything other than what you tell her. Else, gorilla rape!

Recently, the corruption of the youth is taking place due to negative influences from the west. The concept that every society is perfect and flawed in its own way is just nonsense. OUR society is the best and theirs is WRONG! Anything which is different from our way of life for the past 1000 years is BAD! (except concrete, electrical appliances, electricity, wireless communication, medicine or a few other stuff). Let's simplify that. Anything, WE THINK is different, is wrong. 

So I took our culture as part of my first experiment. One of the key aspects of  culture is the way one looks. I sported a look which befits the corrupting influences of the west, namely a T-shirt and jeans. I also imported another evil western device, THE PONYTAIL. With my new look, I went in front of my Cat and asked for an opinion. 

My Cat's shocking answer

I was taken aback. I thought for sure my Cat would tell me to cut my hair and have a side partition. Then to go wear plain clothing and look like a bland background character. But ALAS! My Cat liked my ponytail and wanted to play with it. My Cat did not mind me wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Had I not had a strong sense of cultural sense, I may have liked this atrocious clothing as well. This clothing is against my heritage! I must burn it! 

Unlike those westerners who clean their respective asses with paper, I will show Gandhigiri to my Cat and give her another chance. I'm sure she'll show her hidden patriotism for this country in the next test.

Session #2: What does the patriotic Indian look like?

This was a question that really bogged me. I thought I'd get some idea from the Indian flag. Since I forgot what the Indian flag looked like, I googled it. What struck me the most was the first colour, saffron. Since it is the first colour, it is obviously the most dominant one. I know there are other colours, but that's only because saffron LET those other colours be there. This flag obviously belongs to saffron! 

I get that this is a secular flag, but that's just because it's in the constitution and second standard textbooks. Don't you know that saffron is not really a colour, but a CONCEPT OF PRINCIPLES? It is a concept of peace and prosperity, unlike white or green. Saffron has been on the flag thousands of years ago. Green invaded the flag and white colonized the flag. Dirty colours they are!

I was thinking saffron and the first thing that popped into my mind was NARENDRA MODI! I don't know why. It's as if god wants to connect this beautiful colour with this beautiful creature and has spoken through me. I must write songs about this majestic creature and sing them with others like me.

BUT FIRST! I must finish my experiment. So I googled 'Narendra Modi' and filled my screen with his Modi-ness and Saffron-ness. My second experiment will be how one accepts the most patriotic Indian.

Vande....Matharam.....*sobs*

I showed it to my Cat. I was waiting for my Cat to start singing 'Vande Matharam' along with me. In fact, I wanted to petition our flag be changed to something else, something more patriotic. Maybe the image of a LOTUS would be perfect. So I was day dreaming about my Cat and I petitioning for a newer more patriotic Indian flag.

Vande....Matharam?

I was waiting for my Cat's awesome reaction. I mean, anyone who doesn't like saffron or lotuses, should be a supporter of the Italian mafia! How could they hate this country and sit silently while the Italian mafia is doing things. I know what you're thinking, why can't someone hate BOTH saffron AND the Italian mafia. Well you're wrong. You can't have your own opinions if it differs from saffron. It's either India or Italy.

My eyes could not be believed upon

How could my Cat do this to me? I'd specifically chosen a colour and a person through arbitrary internet search. It's not like I should know the past and present of my choices. My choice should solemnly be based on what's popular. And anyone who disagrees with me should be wrong. I shall give her one last chance.

Session #3: Will you protest to preserve our great nation?

Protesting is essential for the smooth running of any republic. Protest for the prevention of the crime is pointless. The best way is to protest AFTER the crime occurs. Also, in order to maintain novelty, one must protest against something sensational and gossip worthy. To simplify things for you, here's a list of things which you must and must not protest against

Things you SHOULD protest against : Rape in cities, Corruption (the word), Facebook not loading, Not enough pocket money, Sonia Gandhi, Religious something

Things you SHOULDN’T protest against : Rape in villages, Land grab, Deforestation, Aggressive corporatization, Female infanticide, Communalism, Poor educational system, Farmer suicides, Widespread poverty, Honour killing, Lack of infrastructure, Lack of population control, Lack of proper medical supplies, Lack of employment for most, Lack of concern of the Government, Lack of concern of the society etc etc etc

Some losers out there are even protesting against PROGRESS! How dare they! When APJ Abdul Kalam said India will be a super power at 8:20PM(get it?) today, he meant that India will be full of luxury flats and malls. India can't be a super power and look like a country full of slums and poor people.

As the third and final test, I asked my Cat's opinion on something which everyone is talking about very actively these days - Anna Hazare's fight against corruption! What? That's not in the news anymore? Then that problem must've been solved. Then I'll ask my Cat about Terrorism, that's something that's always going around these days. If it's not a hot topic now, it will be as soon a bomb goes off somewhere. I personally don't know what all the fuss is about, don't they know that when someone dies in a terrorist attack, that they'll get 72 virgins in heaven.

My Cat eating, obviously she hates Mahatma Gandhi and free speech

THAT'S IT! I'm sending my Cat to Tihar jail!

I hope she gets the death penalty, nothing is too harsh for my anti-national freedom hating commie Italian mafia Cat!

JAI HIND!

My Cat wasn't harmed during the making of this post. Though she was slightly annoyed at all the extra attention she was getting.
Inspired from a lovely post by MediaCrooks. I'm deliberately not adding a link so as to not get them more hits.

How to create a rapist in 3 easy steps

SETTING

This isn't the sort of thing that can be done overnight. We need to go back in time, several hundred years, when the Europeans were starting to conquer the world because they felt like it. Let us now select a country outside of Europe with a rich culture and heritage. A country with enough exposure to the rest of the world via peaceful trade routes. A country, where the ancient civilizations will be studied for centuries to come. Do you have a country in mind? Good! Let's get started, let's make that rapist.

STEP 1 : Follow MY rules!

Your selected country is where we will be spawning our rapist, so obviously you'll have to manipulate the people living in the country. Go ahead, brutally invade the country and colonize it. By colonize, the major aspect to be considered is religion. 

IMPORTANT : Your religion must be a completely male dominant one based on the concept of sin and blind faith.

Use this religion to criticize and look down upon the natives. Of course, their concept of society, sexuality and spirituality is different from yours. So of course, they're wrong! Tell them everything they do is SIN. Don't forget to focus on the sexuality. Sex (possibly the most natural thing which leads to our existence) is unnatural and wrong. Even thinking about sex is wrong. Why is it wrong? It says in the religion that sex is wrong, so it has to be wrong! 

By repeatedly hitting them over the head for being open about themselves individually, you'll create a region of people who're frustrated they can't live the way they have for hundreds of years. As a bonus, you can make them cover up their body parts, all of them, in the name of CIVILIZATION and SIN! At the peak of mental and physical frustration, you will achieve the first step.

STEP 2 : Mom isn't important

It is impossible for one to become a rapist if they have respect for women. In order to ensure an inherent indifference towards all women, we shall break down their respect for the most important woman in one's life, the Mothers. Specific steps that can be followed to make this happen practically are:-

1. Lack of education : An educated Mother is a strong Mother, not happening.
2. Physical abuse : Nothing says weak and pathetic like a closed fist to Mom's face.
3. Financial dependence : Mom can't handle money, she's a guuuuuuuuurl!
4. Slavery : All those household chores ain't gonna be done by a man,
5. More physical abuse : Just to be sure
6. Repeated pregnancy : The miracle of child birth. Again, and again, and again.

Check mark all the above. Double check. When asked about their Mothers, if the children have an image of a bloodied and beaten woman, who works to satisfy everyone and gets no credit, then congratulations, you've completed step two. You may now take a small break, partially to be impressed by your own work, but mainly to wait for the children to grow up to the proper age for step three.

STEP 3 : Segregation

All your work to this point can be undone completely if the child receives proper education and exposure to other specimens of the fairer sex. Not to worry, the current educational system is on your side with the exception of one major flaw. 

The importance of Step one will reveal itself at this stage. A society afraid of the mere mention of the word 'sex' will definitely be afraid of any male-female interaction that doesn't involve weighted shackles on the ring fingers(commonly referred to as 'wedding rings'). 

As mentioned earlier, the major flaw of the current educational system, is that it is unbiased of gender. Institutions of education are locations where our rapist candidates can meet, interact with and maintain normal relations with their potential victims. This is where implementation of step three becomes crucial. 

If the young boys and girls are separated during the educational sessions, there wouldn't be any proper interaction between them, hence negating the major flaw of the educational system. The minimal requirement is that segregation be done within the same room by means of the invisible LoP(Line of Prudishness) - a line which runs through the center of the classroom dividing the boys section from the girls section. It is recommended to use separate rooms or separate buildings if the budget permits.

Any violation of the LoP should be dealt with severe punishment, preferably one where the violators are mentally scarred for the remainder of their lives. All punishments must be made public so as that a clear example can be made for other possible future violators. Ensure, the rules of the LoP extend to outside of the premises of the educational institution as well.

When properly implemented, the step three will certify that our rapists will know only one way to interact with those of the opposite gender, and that is through their genitalia. At this point, go online and order yourself a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates. There is much to rejoice! You have created a generation that needs the slightest of provocation to achieve the purpose they were created by god for.

Now encourage your rapists to go out there and gain  some experience. She's asking for it either ways. They're all asking for it. Have fun!

The author resides in the state of Kerala, South India. His region's population(including himself) has undergone all of the above steps but sadly due to missing vertebral columns, very few rapists were created. Hence, only sexual deviants are wide spread. The author would like to apologize to the world wide rapist community on behalf of the poor performance of his state.