Ultimate Aberration: August 2013

Hey there! You look like an intelligent enough person. Are you bored with your life? Tired of being the only smart person in a sea of sheeple? Looks like this guide is just the thing you need! What better way to pass time than inventing a set of rules to manipulate narrow minded simpletons, right?

To help you out with examples, the following steps contain comments taken from the news website IBNlive.com regarding what people talk about the latest religion on the market 'Modism', the religion where Gujarat CM Narendra Modi is always right and you suck.

DISCLAIMER : IBNlive is owned by TV18 Broadcast Ltd and Time Warner Inc. I've just taken screenshots from their websites and I do not own anything regarding IBNlive, not even a single goat's hair from the goat that guards the IBNlive fortress built in Transylvania. I've taken the liberty to black out real names. You're welcome. What? You didn't want your public opinions be used and mocked out of context? Welcome to the internet bitch! Blah blah blah other legal stuff.

Step 1 : Pick a messiah

You kind of need that. Messiah is just an initial title. Later, the candidate can be referred to a 'God' or 'Lord Almighty' or any such meaningless words which start with a capital letter. This subject will henceforth be reffered to as 'Sham' for simplicity's sake.

Just go ahead and select a Sham who's popular, kind of good looking, says/said seemingly wise things and is lovable. Few examples of people who can't be selected are:-

Oscar Schindler - not popular enough
Zach Galifianakis - not that good looking
Sean Connery - No one understands what he's saying
Nikola Tesla - clearly not lovable as he didn't wish me Happy Birthday this year, and the year before, and the year before...
You - you're not popular, you're wasting your time reading random blogs

A possible candidate

Step 2 : Exaggerate the Sham's achievements

Believe it or not, not everyone might be impressed by your Sham straight away. They require evidence and information before they decide to invest themselves emotionally and spiritually in your Sham. But fear not, these rebels can be easily curbed as their level of information gathering and analysis is purely supreficial. You just need to go ahead and nudge some information in their general direction. By information, I mean bloated realities based on supposed rumours and gossip. It helps to crowbar in your personal bias and/or agenda while spreading this (mis)information.
Here are a few examples of the Modists promoting their Sham. Observe that good language helps propagate the information as authentic and reliable.

Step 3 : Abolish logic

Logic is a pain. Endoursing in logic requires thought process, consistency, reason to name a few. Besides, logic is something that's relative. By repeatedly being illogical and supporting nonesense, you'd have created a new logic. One that fits your motives. The above sentences did not make any sense to you even thought I am correct? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Now you're (not) getting it!

Step 4 : Latch onto patriotism

Patriotism sells. It is an already popular notion. So you can bye-pass the need for hard work and simply ride the wave of credibility it already has. Ignore the fact that the patriotism runs only so deep as war, sports events and drunken conversations. Link every idea you convey to patriotism. The advantage is two fold. Those who agree with the concept of patriotism(aforementioned superficial patriots) will begin to agree with you. Those who disagree with you directly becomes an enemy of the country as well, a trait we will exploit in later steps.

Step 5 : Attack the opposition

A direct lead in from the previous step. Opposition will always crop up to hinder your progress. Now that you've already gathered a bunch of followers who've replaced the void in their lives with your religion, they'll consider any opposition as threat to their newly discovered pseudo sanctity.

The best way to attack the opposition is not through logic, as we've already done away with it. By arguing with the opposition will be fighting them at their level. Instead, we will personally attack them at our level. Once again, use the perverse priciples of logic and patriotism to assault. Popular methods include "UR GAY!!" and murder, as well as everything that comes in between. All's fair in love and war. Happy hunting!

The below examples by Modists are Amartya Sen(the person who mentioned he wouldn't support Modi) and the website IBNLive itself(irony?).

Step 6 : Random irrelevant references

A major part of promoting your religion is to shove it into everyone else's face and prying it into any and all conversations. It's simply advertising. Through word(and force) of mouth, the religion spreads and prospers. Make sure your (un)wise words are spewed in places which have absolutely no connection or context to what you're actually saying.

The third and last comment in the below list is the pinnacle of forced advertisement. My eyes teared up.

Step 7 : Rhetoric

rhet·o·ric [ret-er-ik] [noun]
1. (in writing or speech) the undue use of exaggeration or display; bombast.
2. the art or science of all specialized literary uses of language in prose or verse, including the figures of speech.

FINALLY, give your words (which will now be called 'preachings') some class by implementing poetry. It doesn't matter how bad you are at it. Just do it!