Ultimate Aberration

Enlightenment at the MBA Tour, Bangalore [September 19th]

This Sunday I attended the MBA tour in Bangalore. It was pretty much a disappointment for me as most universities wanted more than I can offer(as they often do). Well, I do have very little to offer after donating my blood, soul and central nervous system to the great white-ass-kissing slavery that is the IT industry.

The website had mentioned business attire so I walked in with a crumpled shirt, jeans and a pair of sneakers, since I’m a rebel of sorts and wanted to make trouble for the establishment. Take that society! My companion had worn a gorilla face t-shirt and unwashed jeans. As the British would put it, “Simple Marvellous! Absolutely Smashing!”, and then they would go drink tea and engage in sexual intercourse with huge pigs they call wives.

OH YEAH! Dressed to...uh....MBA?

But then I saw the place crawling with neatly pressed formal wear with nerds inside them. Some people were getting married that day and decided to wear their rental blazers to the event, two burdens with one suit. As though they weren’t a pain to look at, they had the most awesome-est business oriented stick-up-the-ass queries. I didn’t get most of what they said ‘cause I hardly read newspapers and I don’t experiment with my rectal opening. They didn’t get half of the jokes the foreign university people were telling ‘cause they left their sense of humour back in their mothers’ womb. Despite how much I generally want to kill off all these types of bastards, there are 3 in particular I would add to my hot list.

Mr. Lonely

A guy so desperate, he needed to talk to some foreign university person at every millisecond of his life. Take a break dude!

Counsellor 1 : ....Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.

Mr.Lonely : Ok...OMG! I have finished talking to that person. I must find a new foreigner to talk to before my head explodes.......oh crap! Oh crap!....AH! There...Chinese person! Please tell me something about your university.

Counsellor 2 : Hi! Well we are.........so Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.

Mr.Lonely : Ya thanks....Oh god! I’m lonely again! Why is the world so cruel to me?.......Why? Why? Why? Why?....AHA! You! Tell me everything I need to know.

Plant : Dude! You’re talking to a potted plant.

Mr. Lonely : I DON’T CARE! I just can’t survive for a moment without running around to every living thing present in this room.

Squeaky Gushmouth : The master of Append

Squeaky came from behind while I was listening to an admissions person. First I thought it was some female with a cold and then pow! The female had a moustache and no essential aspects. Squeaky looked harmless enough with his glasses and his won’t-interrupt-you attitude but I was taken aback when Mr.Gushmouth opened his mouth and let out the first Squeak.

Squeaky : Sir sir, so please explain to the lengthy selection process in a few paragraphs. It will only take a few months of your life no?

Admissions guy : Well, why don’t you take a look at our website and not bother me now.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Will foreign students get loan for tuition fees?

Admissions : No, we hate foreigners as much as you. We cook them in a large container and feed them to sharks.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How is the job market like in your country?

Admissions guy : Market is open all the time. We sell good jobs at affordable rates per kilo.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Can I take 2 brochures of your university so that I can have one for each hand?

Admissions guy : Yeah sure. Whatever turns you on.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Does this tie make me look fat?

Admissions guy : If you are hitting on me, yes. Otherwise, no.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How much salt would there be in all the oceans combined.

Admissions guy : Not sure, but I wonder if there is enough to kill you instantly of dehydration.

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....

Several more IMPORTANT questions later...

Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....

Admissions guy : Dude, I died several centuries ago. This is just a figment of your imagination

My great great great great Grand Son : Look kids! This is the monster that killed your Great great great great great Grand Father during an MBA fair just like this.

My (great) x 5 Grand kids : WOOOOOW! He looks so serious!

Squeaky : And one more thing..... And one more thing..... And one more thing.....

Emperor Black Hole

The best for last. He’s the reason I still keep a strong belief that humans need to be eradicated. He started off as any other bald guy asking questions to the admissions person. Without us realizing, there was a black hole forming inside his mouth. By the time we figured out, the black hole had already absorbed our patience and will to live. Soon, the gravitational force of the black hole was so high that we were all holding on for our lives. Soon, the entire universe just collapses into this guy’s mouth and still he’s going on none stop.

The Emperor : Will you differentiate between people who’ve had experience abroad and those who didn’t.

Admissions dude : That’s the whole point of it you see. Even though we tell you that we give equal importance to both, we obviously want people with experience abroad, since that’s what you will be doing, experiencing stuff ABROAD!

The Emperor : No you see, the reason why I asked was because one of my friends went onsite while I wasn’t sent.

Admissions dude : Out of all the things in the history of stuff that people didn’t give a damn about, I’m sure this will be ranked in the top 3.

The Emperor : I feel that I’m more qualified than him and am therefore better for your university.

Admissions dude : Oh please give us more details. This is as interesting as watching paint dry.

The Emperor : So when he was sent onsite and I wasn’t blah blah blah blah...

Me : Ahem! AHEM!

The Emperor : And that’s how I defeated the 3 headed dragon. Moving onto my 4^th standard, blah blah me me me blah blah.

Me : hmmmmm

The Emperor : So then I blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Me : AARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Admissions dude : Is it me, or is the gravitational force towards this bastard’s mouth increase.

Security person : EVERYONE! Take cover, it’s a black hole! Quick! Take these black hole emergency kits!

Admissions dude : A shot of tequila?

Security person : Last drink. You thought we could actually escape infinite gravity?

Me : Did someone say tequila?

The Emperor : MEEE MEEE MEEEEE BLLAAAAAAAAAAHHH BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Fucking socio-pathic nerds!

Here’s a snap of The Emperor with another random serious person.

Thank god for eye censorship thingy

I know what you're thinking : "No wonder he wasn't qualified since he (dressed like that/spent the time observing people)". You might be true, you might not be. But the important thing is - Sachin Tendulkar is AWESOME!

My not-so-generic love story

After reading all the love stories out there, I thought I should tell about a different incident from the guy’s perspective. Of course it is involving an idiot guy and a cute girl next door. The idiot guy being me and the cute girl next door being……

Bhojanapriya ©

Coming back from school I tried to look over my neighbour’s gate to steal a peek at her. Unfortunately my short stature didn’t help me look over the 4 foot gate! DAMN! Now I’m gonna have to wait till evening when her rich dad opens their expensive gate.

With the magic of time manipulation and crappy narration, it is already evening. So her dad opens the gate and there she was. To welcome her presence the crickets were chirping, the sun was shining, the flowers were blossoming, there was a soft breeze gently brushing against my face, the trees were doing whatever trees do, the butterflies were fluttering by, the ants were biting at my feet, cars were honking and a lot of angry people were shouting. Wait! What was I talking about? Oh right! The girl! As I slowly walked towards her gate from the middle of the road, the drivers passed insulting every one of my living and dead ancestor.

This is the point of the story where I describe her I guess. Her hair looked something like a crow’s nest, in fact I think a crow was nesting there. I was never able to make out her eyes since they were behind the thickest pair of glasses I have ever seen. Her nose was so pointed, she could’ve had a mosquito as a parent(or maybe she was genetically engineered, I dunno). I could catch occasional glimpses of her rosy lips underneath her moustache. Her skin was just like those gals in the commercials, with enough oil there for USA to declare that her nose is hiding weapons of mass destruction.

As I stood there admiring her beauty, I could hear the music slowly playing behind me, “Aankhon mein teri”. Actually, Om Shanthi Om wasn’t released at that time but I’m narrating so NYAH! All the while I’m walking in slow motion thus enabling me to say all this while still not reaching her.

Just then I noticed the cute puppy in her arms, Pingy or Tingy or something she called it. Poor lil Chingy was cuddling in her arms out of fear from the fierce outside world. Suddenly a driver passing by insulted me, “you piece of ” and lil Dinky jumped from her arms and ran towards me out of fear. Simultaneously, I happened to trip on a rather large stone lying right in the middle of the road, what can I say? Indian roads! As I stumble forward, Jingy comes to a complete stop watching in amusement as I try to regain my balance. But I didn’t, and I landed clean on her puppy crushing it to death instantly. I get up quickly and regain my poise. MAN! She must think I’m an ass, tripping and falling down in front of her. Oh yeah, and the dead puppy thing.

So I keep walking towards her. It’s a very wide road dude! So I continue walking with the envelope in my hand. Wait, did I forget to mention the envelope the whole time? DAMMIT! So yeah, there was an envelope in my hand the whole time! Moving on, I finally reach her. She stands there looking at me with a look of pleasant surprise or complete disgust, I couldn’t say which. It took me months to gather enough courage to finally come up and face her so I take a deep breath and speak…

“It took me months to gather enough courage to finally come up and face you.”

Then I hold out my hand and realize the envelope isn’t there. With my brain power and quick thinking, I deduce within a mere 22 minutes that the envelope was in my other hand. So I hold up that hand now and tell her…

“This letter is for you.”

I tell her about its importance…

“It is important!”

Just then, the spirit of the lil dog I just murdered possessed the wind and blew so hard on my hand the envelope was swept away. We both look at the envelope flew away, so I turned around and left.

? THE END ¿

DISCLAIMER : All of the characters in the above story are fictitious including me. I, myself am just a figment of my imagination. Eat that paradox fools! HA HA!

How to ruin a corporate dance perfomance

At some point of time while working for a corporate, some celebration or festival will occur where a lot of ‘cultural events’ will be hosted. These are to keep the insignificant employees from realizing the fact that the company is slowly stealing their souls. The most applause from these soul-less degenerates will go for the dance numbers. This is a guide as to how to ruin a perfectly good dance performance starting from the preparation process. The following steps have been proven effective from actual application.

STEP 1 : Waste all your money

Now since the cultural event will have a committee, there’ll be funding. Most people will refuse to part with their hardly earned money so the funds will be minimal for the dance. The WRONG thing to do in such a case would be to take the money and buy proper costumes for the dancers. Thus the CORRECT thing to do is to feed what little money collected to the pigs. By pigs, I don’t mean the fat disgusting omnivorous swine that live in farms, I mean the fat disgusting omnivorous swine that call themselves the Management. Even if you don’t needlessly waste your money on them, they’ll come over and ask you for it anyways. So everyone is happy.

STEP 2 : Practice is over rated

Now you might be thinking, any ordinary person can become a good dancer with enough practice. That’s the WRONG idea. Who wants to see good dancers anymore? The CORRECT thing to do is to practice very little, by waking up late and having 4 meals a day, going out to booze, puking and then passing out. So lethargy is the word of the day. Life is too short to spend on practicing for some dance. ENJOY!

STEP 3 : The perfect stage

Since this is a corporate, you’d have paid the management to build you a good stage. So this step pretty much carries itself out. The fat pigs probably spent all the money buying hundreds of Lay’s packets. So with whatever small change they got, they’ll stick together some random objects and pass it off as a stage. The WRONG type of stage will be a permanent solid spacious stage. The CORRECT type, and what we want, will be built in 15 minutes, consists of crevices and gaping holes and would be small enough to fit only a bunch of short Chinese performers. Features like bad location would only be an added bonus.

STEP 4 : Girls > Boys

It is a known fact that a girls group dance will have more photographers than a boys group dance. So instead of equality(WRONG) what must be done is that all the technical help should be given to the girls group dance. The boy dancers should be blinded by stage smoke and light at unnecessary levels. The music should mostly be kept at a low volume and should be fluctuated for added confusion. The boys now visually confused and out of sync will somehow stumble through the entire performance with the grace of Abhishek Bachchan. This step would only be fully CORRECT if the girls dance consists of no smoke and laser lighting to cover up the steps and the music be in full blast so that it drowns all other noises.

END RESULT

The boys will perform the dance completely out of sync due to lack of practice. This lack of coordination will be worsened by the fact that there isn’t enough space to even walk around(let alone jump around) though there is a lot of place to trip and fall. Finally, as the icing on the shit cake, the poor music system and confusing lights will destroy whatever little amount of cohesion there was to begin with. To the un trained eye it will simply look like a bunch of drunkards doing a lot of random stuff, but what they don’t know is the amount of work and number of people that have gone behind this god awful performance.

PRECAUTIONS

1. These steps will not work if the performers are a bunch of small Chinese men. They’ll easily fit on stage and jump over all gaps and crevices using their kung fu. Also, their appearance will confuse the technical people into thinking they’re girls and provide them with good volume music and no crappy flashy effects. Mostly the disadvantage being that small Chinese men are natural enemies of fat pigs and will kill them before they can take the money.

2. This will work only in companies where the Management are a bunch of greedy pigs. I’m just kidding! We all know that the Management consists of only greedy pigs irrespective of the company.

3. Brushing your teeth twice a day can be injurious to your health. The only way to drive away an angry mob after this performance is with bad breath, since you’ll be too tired to physically fight them off.

Remember, it’s your dance performance. Make sure you have lots of fun ruining it for the audience who actually expected something.

Avial, Kyra and me

It was a rainy day in Bangalore when I reached the Kyra theatre in Indiranagar for my first Avial live concert. Years after my conservative backward south Indian mind was blown away by ‘Nada Nada’, nothing could keep me away from this performance – not geography(I live in Chennai) or economics(had to take LOP leave) or even bio-economics(I was hungry ‘cause I was broke). By the way, if you work in my same project at office, I had stomach problems so had to take leave on that day. Everything else I say here is a lie.


Tony kutta! You are the great!


Binny playing bass. Even a brain dead patient will tell you Avial has an superb bass guitarist.


Mithun : The man behind the drums....and smoke.


Rex is awesome. Period. My photography sucks. Second period.

By the time Avial was ready on stage, I was already 1.2feet in the air(can’t jump any higher). Tony’s performance was so OSTENTATIOUS that I had to go through a thesaurus to find out that particular adjective to describe it. He came on stage with his shiney head held high and his senses safely kept back stage. But hey! I was just happy to be there and no matter how melo dramatic his dialogues and ‘actions’ where, I still cheered!

Beware of ethinicity

I’m setting aside the generic Avial concert evaluation – “Tony doesn’t have the same punch as Anand”. Every creature with or without a central nervous system that had attended an Avial concert has told me this. What they didn’t tell me was about APPAN TAPPAN MURUGAN and JAGA PUGA JAGA PUGA JAGA PUGA. I still don’t have much of an idea but hey! I still cheered!

Time for the first guest appearance. Suraj Mani of Motherjane comes on stage and everyone starts doing back flips in excitement. Now Avial and Suraj play the classic Mindstreet from their album Maktub. Go google the italicised words if you don’t know them you dumb bastard!

I was too buzy listening to Mindstreet to case to take a good photo.

Enter Jyotsna.

Karukara : Note the slight shift in my focus point. You're welcome.

Yeah! I know! Now you’re doing backflips aren’t you? Till she came on stage, Tony took 15 minute breaks after 15 minutes of playing. Hmmmmm....

After performing the new songs, mainly Ayyo and then Aanakallan and one with only Jyotsna. Tony asked the audience “Onne nadakaan thayyaar aano?”. This was followed by hundreds and hundreds of people singing Nada Nada word for word including even the rooster sound. Tony just stood on stage so that the mike stand doesn’t get lonely.

Since I want to pretend to be a big shot, I shall go ahead and rate this performance thought I don’t know the first thing of music.

Sense : 3 / 5

Sensibility : 4.18 / 5

Sensitivity : 7000000 / 5

For those who didn’t get it, here’s an image of Jyotsna as a compensation.

If you don’t know who Avial is, here’s an actual conversation I had with a guy :-

Me : Here, listen to Avial man. They’re awesome.

Prejudiced fool : Avial? The side dish?

Me : They’re a Malayali rock band with full lyrics in Malayalam.

Prejudiced fool : Fuck you man! I don’t want to listen to some crap in Malayalam! I’ll be cursing you for years for making me listen to this.

5 minutes later....

Prejudiced fool : They’re really awesome man!

HA! Avial rocks yet another face!

Parody personified : The Lonely Island

Saturday Night Live brings a lot of comedy to the world. Some lamer than the others. Out of the blue comes The Lonely Island. Their humour not only punches you in the face, it also kicks you in the crotch, and then hits you over the head with an empty bottle of vodka and takes your wallet, only to realise you have to little money that it shakes it’s head in disgust and throws the wallet back at you...point being, they’re AWESOME. Here’s a selection my top 5 favourite Lonely Island songs. That’s right, I’m using something someone else created to express my individualism, bite me! And yeah, if you’re under 18 and/or are related to me, close the damn browser.

Uncensored lyrics : Listener Discretion is adviced.

Honourable mention : Like a boss

A description of what happens in the everyday life of DA BOSS! This’ll give you an idea of what The Lonely Island is about. People of the previous generation, this is tasteless senseless music. Does that make you feel better old people?

#5 : Threw it on the ground

I know some people who are like this. They're just against the SYSTEM in their own unique way. Good moral to the song as well.

#4 : Boombox

Do not under estimate the Boombox. The lyrics show how awesome these guys are. So if you’re not paying attention to the lyrics, you’re a burden on society already.

#3 : Dick in a Box

The perfect Valentine’s day gift, enough said.

#2 : I’m on a boat

The Grammy nominated song. Extremely catchy. For those who didn’t get it, it’s a parody on the Rap song genre by declaring mundane things about being on a boat with extreme....SOMETHINGNESS!