Ophiuchus, the 13th Zodiac sign everyone hates

BREAKING NEWS : There is now a 13^th sign in the Zodia. That’s right! Ophi-phe-phu....um, Ophe-ou-chus? Is that how it’s spelt? Ophyu....OH! Ophiuchus. Now I got it. So Ophiuchus, the serpent bearer, is now the 13^th sign in the zodiac. Here’s an image of the constellation getting dooowwwwn.

Baffled idiots are confused at these turn of events.

Said Baffled idiot

Thank you Baffled idiot. We now go around the world gathering stories about peoples’ reaction to the new zodiac sign, since they don’t seem to have any good opinions about global warming, the Taliban regime and the recent onion prices.

Bobby Jo the Redneck had this to say

I dun care bout em crazy stars mumbo jumbo. As faaares I know, GOOOOD created everythaang. GOOOOD created em stars, and em ass-tro-mo-lorgy. GOOOOOD created sci-yence. GOOOOOD created dat child in ma 14 year old daughter’s tummy, nut me or ma systematic incestuous rapes, but GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD! And by GOOOD, we shore ain gunna abort dat dere child, no wai! 

A ditzy girl said

I used to be a Cancerian, and now I’m a Gemini. Like, can you believe it? I am so totally a Cancerian. The zodiac says that cancerians are supposed to be sentimental spineless weaklings. That is SO me! Gemini is just like, ewwwwwwww! I can’t believe they did this to me, it’s like some huge inconsequential bullshit totally ruined my life! HMPH!

Dog on street quoted

Woof woof! Arf! ........(chews ass).......... WOOF! ...........(continues to chew ass).......

A 1 billion year old frozen single cell organism was heard saying

Man! The zodiac has become all commercial now. I mean, Scorpio this and Taurus that. You know back in my day, there used to be only one zodiac sign. That was cool, being one unified race. I had a bad feeling when they brought in the second zodiac sign. But I was up for change. Now I knew I should’ve gone with my gut feeling. Of course I got no guts, being a single celled et al.

Dude with zodiac tattoo said

Dude! I had my sun sign tattooed on my butt cheek and it was so #EPIC. Now my temporary insanity which scarred my ass permanently, was like, a total #FAIL. I used to be known as ‘Dude with zodiac tattoo’, but now I’ll be known as ‘Dude with wrong zodiac tattoo’. Game over man! I can’t change my body to please the establishment. I’m just gonna go kill myself.

The Prince of Darkness himself had a comment

Oh yeah baby! I was waiting for this day for all eternity. The 13th symbol is the 3rd and final sign for my arrival upon the mortal world where I shall rule for a thousand years. In case you're wondering, the first two signs was the recent war started by Bush and Rakhi Sawanth getting her own show. So yeah! In yo omnipotent face god. That's right, I get to say god without a capital G. How cool am I? Come to think of it, a reign for a thousand years isn't all that long when you live forever. What a waste of time, and I have to get my clothes ready if I'm going out and....you know what, screw the reign. Y'all will blow each other to bits with World War 3 anyways. That's right, the recent Korea v/s Korea thing will turn into WW3. Bet you didn't see that coming? Huh losers?! I RULE! Sorta.

 

The author of this rant also had something to say

There’s a new zodiac? Can they even do that? I mean, who’s the zodiac decision committee? There are only a million constellations out there so why not just keep adding till we have a different sign for every hour of everyday of the year. HA! Now that would keep those con artists we call astrologers busy! I mean, who cares for this crap anyways, besides a vast majority of humanity. I don’t believe it. And I can’t believe I’m quoting myself. That’s kinda cool you know. Echo....echo......echo...........echo. Awesome! I can do an echo and everything. But in all seriousness folks, I had just gotten used to being two fish in the 69 position and now I realise I’m a water bearer. I’ve always felt like a water bearer all my life. It’s like life is suddenly looking up for.....no I can’t do it. Bullshitting about this is too hard. I mean, a middle aged muscular half naked man with a huge snake between his legs, that’s, I dunno, suggestive at the very least, and the topic of several upcoming internet/twitter jokes at the very best. I wish those born to this star all the best in handling their identity crisis. I also wish the very best to those idiots who are going around petitioning for the zodiacs thingy to not change, idiots! By the way, the guy with tattoo really did kill himself.

Top 5 most #EPIC Fashion ideas

This post is brought to you by brandmile (India's most exclusive shoppping club) and my general hatred towards fashion and anything related. You know brandmile is awesome by all the lower case letters and the extra ‘p’ in ‘shopping’. I’m not kidding, google it now and check.

#5 : Stop Child abuse

Recently, there was a thing going on in Facebook, where they asked everyone to change their display pic to that of a cartoon for a week. As gay as this sounds, I too, took part. Only recently did I find out that this was some elaborate scheme to stop child violence. Here’s the proof for those who didn’t know.

This doesn’t sound naive and pointless at all. I’m sure all those child abusers out there tremble at the power of the facebook display pic. If nothing, everyone is ‘aware’ of the child abuse problem only after putting a cartoon as your display pic. So I’m thinking, why stop there? Don’t just put up display pics of your favourite toons, dress like them. Now the already trembling child abusers will be on the knees begging for forgiveness from the costumed kids/freaks. Only way this can backfire is if those abusers like fantasising and roleplay!

 

#4 : Women’s T-Shirts with the cute captions

I’m all for equality, but girls who wear “Hottie” and “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing” are just a dark alley away from achieving their goals. But who am I to stop the women’s liberation, I just meant that the message should be clearer than those convoluted pretend-cutsey tees.

#3 : REALLY low rider jeans

Low rider jeans was the greatest invention before the sliced bread. Everyone enjoys looking at most of your underwear and get a sneak at your ass crack. But now fashion needs to grow and this trend needs a major modification, like maybe pulling your pants down, ALL the way.

PROS:

Ø  Global warming can’t affect you, the air circulation is just too good

Ø  You don’t need to wait that extra few seconds when going to the bathroom

Ø  People won’t be so conscious about their shoes anymore

CONS:

Ø  Rapists

Ø  Walking is a difficulty, so is running(esp important when being chased by rapists)

Ø  Um.....Wallets?

#2 : Clowning all the way

Women like to do their job and make men laugh and/or have sex with them. That is why they put on so much make up, to look like clowns and/or prostitutes that cater exclusively to clowns. To add to the sex appeal, put on big red rubber noses, which doubles for safe clown sex (RUBBER noses).

#1 : She-Fe-Male

A woman who dresses like a man is SEXY has hell. A man who dresses like a woman is... FASHION. If you were going to say ‘Gay’ or ‘Transvestite’ then you are a hindrance to progress, of fashion. Eventually all men should have bleached white skins, no facial hair, pretty pink shirts, nail polish, high heels and the ability to bear children! HA! Take that Harley Davidson, Metallica and anything that’s manly!

Avatar deleted SEX SCENE

Couldn't put this up on directly my facebook lest I be judged by the prudish hand of society. So I give to you, the deleted Avatar Sex Scene, it really is 18+, so those who REALLY don't know about the birds and bees, GET LOST!

 

Kudos to Harry Patridge, the guy who created this!

Feed like you'd wanna be fed [Akshaya Patra Program]

Click link for website

The NGO, Akshaya Patra is giving an opportunity to those who'd like to donate this Christmas season a great chance. They basically deal in providing mid day meals for underprivileged children. Started out in 2000 with 1500 children in Bangalore, and currently providing for 12,53,266 children. 

This was all started by Madhu Pandit Dasa, an IIT engineer turned spiritual leader and an entrepreneur for the social cause. He stated that "Poverty is the primary cause for lack of education." Atleast this takes care of the lack of proper nourishment part of poverty. The organisation distributes freshly cooked healthy meals in more than 5000 government schools. For most of these children, this is the only complete meal in the entire day. This added incentive of coming to school thus improves their education exponentially.

Look at the size of the kid on the left, he's too small to fend for himself in this world

You can read more about them from the wikipedia page or this article by Time magazine. What I've observed most is that many people out there want to donate towards the under privilaged, but either don't know how/where or just plain don't trust the websites out there. You can take your own judgement about donating to these people, but they ask for ONLY Rs. 525 to feed a child for a year. That is the projected costs and I don't know how to use the Rupee symbol on bloody blogspot. You can give in your Pan number and get the tax exemption certificate as well. So if the message isn't clear enough, here's something for the myopic and/or disinterested.

DONATE NOW!

Rs.525 maybe very little or a lot for us but it definitely is a LOT MORE to someone else.

How to alter the human race in 9 easy steps

All you need are : A piece of A4 paper, a pen, a genetic engineering lab, connections in the media

Step 1 : Create an air borne virus that causes female/male infertility (depending on your outlook of life).

Step 2 : Create an antidote which will neutralise the effects of the above virus for a short period of time. Do not proceed to step 3 until Step 2 is complete.

Step 3 : Spread the virus globally without the consent or knowledge of the world's population.

Step 4 : Cause mass media panic and hype about the virus by calling it 'Divine Intervention' or 'God's judgement' or something like that. Everyone will believe it.

Step 5 : Announce the discovery of the antidote months after the 'epidemic' but also state the great expense and how rare the raw materials and creation process are.

Step 6 : Make sure the original list of raw materials and creation process are not leaked onto the internet by some attention seeking bastards

Step 7 : Set the price of the antidote to such a value that only a family above the poverty line can afford it.

Step 8 : A couple must undergo background checks before being given the antidote.

Step 9 : Keep track of records such that a couple can receive the antidote once and must be administered within a guarded facility.

PROS

·         Poverty will cease to exist since poor people can’t have children anymore

·         The problem of over population will be solved since a family can have only 2 children, and thus the strain on earth’s limited resources will be lessened

·         Unwanted pregnancies are a thing of the past

·         Lesser populous means more resources available, leading to less tension among neighbouring nations over common natural resources.

·         Less people in public transport, tickets are made further available

·         Lesser crowds in public places, leading to decreased probability of pick pocketing or molestation.

·         Background checks ensure that people who are not capable or unfit to raise children in a healthy environment will not leave a legacy

·         Less people mean less naturally occurring green house gases like CO₂ and methane

·         Deadly genetic diseases, both physical and mental will eventually be wiped out

·         Though several families will die out, since everyone dies a natural death, the method is humanitarian

CONS

·         Entire African nations will eventually die out due to lack of funds for antidote

·         With elimination of most poor people, nations will lose most people for their manual labour thus leading to a complete stop in functionality. In order to keep on functioning, employers will have to pay their manual labourers more wages, this will be disputed by most private organisations.

·         Third world nations will less funds will be increasingly paranoid about richer countries gaining the upper hand and will protest, first diplomatically and then threatening war in a last ditch effort. This will lead to a worldwide cold war condition.

·         The richer part of society, ie, the top 1% will maintain a larger control of society via capitalism since unions and workers no longer exist.

·         Corruption will lead to the antidote being leaked to the hands of politicians or crime organizations. This will be later sold to the black market.

·         Once leaked, variations of the antidote or the virus might be created which might have adverse effects on people.

·         There may be pockets of civilization unaffected by the virus, such regions will become hotspots of violence due to the aggressive nature of the frustrated neighbouring parts.

CONCLUSION : Despite discussing a phenomenon that can alter the course of the entire human race(most probably towards annihilation), the issue of Software engineers never came into the equation. They are neither part of the method nor the consequences in any remote way. It is therefore concluded that software engineers, with their overall abundance and uselessness serve to be the least significant creature on Earth. GO DIE!