2012 in a nutshell

India, 2009
Indian Scientist : I discovered in a coal mine something which I believe is blah blah solar flare blah blah microwaves blah blah boring scientific details...And that is how the world will end in 2012.

Black American Scientist : Good! I shall take credit for your work and present it to the US president.

Indian Scientist : Yes sir! That'll be great sir!

G8 Summit,2010

Unimportant World leaders : We're all gonna die! <panics>

Important World leaders : Let's create massive ships near the Himalayas(ie, the highest point on Earth) and save few random people from each ethnic origin by giving them passes. Also we'll sell some passes for a heavy price to really rich dudes just so we can fund this project which is top secret.

Some dude : Why do we need funding while you save up your own money? It's not like you can withdraw your deposit after the apocalypse. And why did it take so long to call a G8 summit for such a dire situation? Why the Himalayas? If continental plates will shift during the apocalypse then why put our sole hope of survival so close to the border of continental plates? Also it is hard to reach!

World leaders : Alright! This bastard doesn't get a pass!

Yellowstone Park, 2012

Hero dude : Hi! I'm a loser with a mediocre job. My wife has left me and staying with her boyfriend, who's actually a nice guy. I need to take my estranged kids camping and say some dorky lines. In short, I'm the typical American dad!

Crazy Bum : BOOOOO! I'm crazyyyyyyy! World ending! BAAAA!

Hero dude : AAAAHHH!!! Get away you bum!

Crazy Bum : Heed my warning! The world will end as the Mayans predicted and only I know the way to survive.

Hero dude : Well, usually you crazy guys have a point in movies. I shall return to you if the event you have mentioned occures, but what else can you tell me about the Mayans? I'm fascinated!

Crazy Bum : Nothing more! They just predicted the ending ok! Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

Hero dude : uh...you are a crazy bum , who would take you seriously but me later on in this movie?

Crazy Bum : So crazyyyyyyyyyyy!

California, 2012

End of the world : BEGINS!

Hero dude : HOLY SHIT! Time for a car chase sequence where the car gets chased by a seismic cracks! Good one director!

Roland Emmerich : I love you too man! <flying kiss>

Cars : <Get destroyed by crack>

Hero dude's car : Safe!

More cars : <thrown away by earthquake>

Hero dude's car : Still safe!

Earthquake : I give up! There's no way you can kill this bastard!

Hero dude : I am begining to take the crazy bum seriously, let's all go find him on my vague confidence in his craziness. Come on Estranged kids, ex-wife and ex-wife's Boyfriend, get on the plane which I magically found and which ex-wife's boyfriend can pilot.

Everyone : YAY!

Ex-wife's Boyfriend : Hope you enjoy your flight and view of millions of people dying. Just to let you know, I'm a rookie!

Sky scrappers : I'm falling...I'm falling...AAAAAAHHH!!

Ex-wife's Boyfriend : <does spectacular stunts>

Hero dude : DUDE! Who the fuck takes off and flies the plane at this low an altitude through the city?

Ex-wife's Boyfriend : Told you I'm a rookie. Besides, the CGI animation has already been paid for.

Hero dude : Oh! Ok then, I wonder how the other cities are doing?

Meanwhile...

Major city : <crumbles>

Audience : AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Another Major city : <crumbles>

Audience : Oh! How sad!

Yet Another Major city : <crumbles>

Audience : Uh....ok!

Yet Another Another Major city : <crumbles>

Audience : ........

Yet Another Another Another Major city : <crumbles>

Audience : WE GET THE IDEA ALREADY!

Back to Yellowstone, 2012

Crazy Bum : Told you so! HAHA! I win! Crazy! Crazy! Crazyyyyyy!

Hero Dude : Uh, crazy bum dude? Where's the map to our survival?

Crazy Bum : Right over there, in my home which is about to collapse after the volcano erupts.

Hero Dude : What volcano?

Yellowstone supervolcano : KAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Hero Dude : Oh! That one.

Crazy Bum : Considering how hot that is, we should be ashes by now but Hero dude now has time to retrieve the map. Good one director!

Roland Emmerich : I love you too man! <flying kiss> Now contemplate before dying.

Hero dude : Must search for map in a messy home. Wait! What does the map look like even?

Estranged kids : Hurry estraged daddy!

Crazy Bum's home : <falls into huge crack>

Estranged kids : NO! Estraged daddy is dead! BOO HOO!

Hero Dude's Hand : <appears on the edge of crack>

Ex wife : He survived?

Hero Dude's other Hand : <also appears on the edge of crack>

Ex-wife's Boyfriend : There goes my chance to become the Hero of this flick.

Yellowstone earthquake : I give up! There's no way you can kill this bastard!

Everyone : What does the map say?

Map : CHINA!

Hero dude : That's it? Couldn't that bastard have just said China?

Estranged son : But why China?

Hero dude : Cheap labour! What else?

Washington DC, 2012

Black President : I shall go down with the ship. I will stay and die with my peoeple.

Rascist a**holes : YAAAAAY!

President's daughter : Daddy no!

Black American Scientist : Don't worry. I'm Black also. I shall confort you thereby spawing a chance for a relationship later on in this movie.

President's daughter : OK!

White Politician : Now that all major heads of state are dead and since I appeared briefly at the start of this movie, I shall be what this soon-to-be-destroyed country needs, a WHITE President. Now let's all go to those really big ships in China.

Las Vegas, 2012

Russian dude : Meet my family! My obese twins, my blonde bimbette girlfriend and my non-rookie pilot.

Hero dude : I drove you limo and thus I know you. Let us all survive toghether

Russian dude : I shall let you come with me because I am generous and you are just my servant.

Hero dude : Oppression and Communism huh? Symbolic! Good one director!

Roland Emmerich : I love you too man! <flying kiss> But not you Russian dude <gives him the finger> Hey wait! I can use this later in the movie!

Russian Pilot : So we need to go to China huh? Well, I can't fly by looking at the terrain since it is all destroyed. I can't fly by the instruments because the magnetic fields of this planet are messed up now. So I guess I'll just fly in that direction.

Everyone : Good plan! Let's go!

Tibet/China, 2012

Russian Pilot : We're out of fuel. You must all get off. Quick! Take the cars and defy the laws of inertia and ride off the back of a moving plane and satetly onto a cliff.

Everyone : SAFE!

Russian Pilot : PHEW! Stopped the plane at the cliff's edge. This must be my lucky day!

Roland Emmerich : NO! You're Russian and I hate you.

Cliff's edge : <breaks away>

Plane : <plummits>

Russian Pilot : Oh fu....CRASH!! BOOOOOMMM!!!

Russian dude's girlfriend : That explosion looked too big for a plane that just ran out of fuel.

Russian dude : You speak stupid things! I dump you and go with my rich family onto ship with my expensive passes. Happy end of the world all you capitalist pigs!

Everyone : Screwed!...But hey! What's that? Animals being carried onto the ship?

Hero dude : I get it! It's a direct sybolism of the 'arc' huh? Good one director!

Roland Emmerich : I love all you animals! <flying kisses>

Russian Pilot : Wouldn't it be easier to take DNA samples or something since this is the age of cloning and test tube babies? And why did they keep this for the last minute? Animals won't panic like people.

Hero dude : Uh dude, You're supposed to be dead!

Russian Pilot : Oh! OK...blah....<dead>

Monk dude : Greetings! I have alternate solution to survive. Follow me!

Monk dude's bro : I can't sneak all of you into the ship!

Hero dude : I question your humanity!

Monk dude's bro : OK! you can all go in.

Meanwhile...

Black American Scientist : Hey Indian Scientist! Where you?

Indian Scientist : My pick up taxi got delayed in traffic, now I'm gonna die in this ridicolously huge tsunami.

Black American Scientist : Is there something wrong with the phone signal or does an Indian living in India talk with an american accent?

Indian Scientist : It can't be the signal. I'm magically getting full range while the tsunami is just a kilometer away. Let the world know of my importance in this discove...glug glug.

Black American Scientist : Sucks to be you man! We got only 25 minutes to take off huh? Good thing we have this countdown clock ready for just such an emergency.

White Politician New US President : Alright! Time for me to play heartless decision maker. Close the gates, no one enters the ship!

And so...

Ex-wife's Boyfriend : I am trapped in the hydraulics! What an unexpected plot device to bring hero dude back together with his wife! URGH!...<dead>...

Ex-wife : I guess I'll mourn later. Only 25 minutes to go!

Black American Scientist : People! People! We must open those gates and let those people in for I...have a dream...that humanity blah blah hearts blah blah future blah blah children blah blah....

World leaders : Well, a sub plot indicates we killed civilians in order to keep the information and project a secret. But he has a point! He's also wasted 10 minutes talking. Quickly let all the people run madly towards the ship in the next 15 minutes.

Some people : <reach the ship>

Most people : <dead>

Russian dude : What? The blonde bimbette reached the ship before me? I wonder what she will do now as she looks down on me triumphantly?

Russian dude's girlfriend : <gives Russian dude the finger>

Audience : Is she flicking him off or giving us a review for this movie?

Russian dude : I shall ponder on how unexpeced that was as I fall to my death...AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!.....

Tsunami : Tadaaaaa!

Captain : OH NO! Some part of the ship is jammed rendering us completely helpless in this tsunami! If only the hero of this movie would heroically fix the problem and at the same time bond with his son. By the way, we're about to hit Mount Everest!

Hero dude : Hey! I'm the hero of this movie! I'll fix the problem which is underwater and requires a tense situation...<jumps into water>

Estranged son : Here I come to bond with you bond!....<jumps into water>...

Problem : <fixed>

Ship : <SAFE!>

Water and Mt.Everest : I give up! There's no way you can kill this bastard!

Hero's family : <reunited>

Dead American President's daughter : You seem to be the only Black man here without guns. Let's start a relationship!

Black American Scientist : SCORE!

?????, 0001(formerly known as 2012)

Hero dude : Good one on the new calendar director!

Director : Just end the movie already!!!...But I still love you!

Black American Scientist : 28 days have passed! Now all the ash from all the volcanoes in the world would've settled, meaning we can finally breath and have sunlight like normal. The dynamic map thingy shows Africa is where we should be now. Let's go to the cape of good hope where life first had started!

Everyone : YAAAAAY!

Audience : The symbolism is killing us!

Russian dude : Wait you American bastards! How can all the ash from every fucking volcano on earth settle in just 28 days? How would plants have survived that long without sun light? How can your dynamic map thing be working when all the volcanic ash would make satellites useless since they can't see through the atmosphere? And you said people from all ethinic groups right? Why do I only see Caucasians around? Shouldn't there be alot of Chinese considering how the ship was in China?

Everyone : Uh dude, You're supposed to be dead!

Russian dude : Oh! OK...blah....<dead>