Top 5 most #EPIC Fashion ideas

This post is brought to you by brandmile (India's most exclusive shoppping club) and my general hatred towards fashion and anything related. You know brandmile is awesome by all the lower case letters and the extra ‘p’ in ‘shopping’. I’m not kidding, google it now and check.

#5 : Stop Child abuse

Recently, there was a thing going on in Facebook, where they asked everyone to change their display pic to that of a cartoon for a week. As gay as this sounds, I too, took part. Only recently did I find out that this was some elaborate scheme to stop child violence. Here’s the proof for those who didn’t know.

This doesn’t sound naive and pointless at all. I’m sure all those child abusers out there tremble at the power of the facebook display pic. If nothing, everyone is ‘aware’ of the child abuse problem only after putting a cartoon as your display pic. So I’m thinking, why stop there? Don’t just put up display pics of your favourite toons, dress like them. Now the already trembling child abusers will be on the knees begging for forgiveness from the costumed kids/freaks. Only way this can backfire is if those abusers like fantasising and roleplay!

 

#4 : Women’s T-Shirts with the cute captions

I’m all for equality, but girls who wear “Hottie” and “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing” are just a dark alley away from achieving their goals. But who am I to stop the women’s liberation, I just meant that the message should be clearer than those convoluted pretend-cutsey tees.

#3 : REALLY low rider jeans

Low rider jeans was the greatest invention before the sliced bread. Everyone enjoys looking at most of your underwear and get a sneak at your ass crack. But now fashion needs to grow and this trend needs a major modification, like maybe pulling your pants down, ALL the way.

PROS:

Ø  Global warming can’t affect you, the air circulation is just too good

Ø  You don’t need to wait that extra few seconds when going to the bathroom

Ø  People won’t be so conscious about their shoes anymore

CONS:

Ø  Rapists

Ø  Walking is a difficulty, so is running(esp important when being chased by rapists)

Ø  Um.....Wallets?

#2 : Clowning all the way

Women like to do their job and make men laugh and/or have sex with them. That is why they put on so much make up, to look like clowns and/or prostitutes that cater exclusively to clowns. To add to the sex appeal, put on big red rubber noses, which doubles for safe clown sex (RUBBER noses).

#1 : She-Fe-Male

A woman who dresses like a man is SEXY has hell. A man who dresses like a woman is... FASHION. If you were going to say ‘Gay’ or ‘Transvestite’ then you are a hindrance to progress, of fashion. Eventually all men should have bleached white skins, no facial hair, pretty pink shirts, nail polish, high heels and the ability to bear children! HA! Take that Harley Davidson, Metallica and anything that’s manly!

Avatar deleted SEX SCENE

Couldn't put this up on directly my facebook lest I be judged by the prudish hand of society. So I give to you, the deleted Avatar Sex Scene, it really is 18+, so those who REALLY don't know about the birds and bees, GET LOST!

 

Kudos to Harry Patridge, the guy who created this!

Feed like you'd wanna be fed [Akshaya Patra Program]

Click link for website

The NGO, Akshaya Patra is giving an opportunity to those who'd like to donate this Christmas season a great chance. They basically deal in providing mid day meals for underprivileged children. Started out in 2000 with 1500 children in Bangalore, and currently providing for 12,53,266 children. 

This was all started by Madhu Pandit Dasa, an IIT engineer turned spiritual leader and an entrepreneur for the social cause. He stated that "Poverty is the primary cause for lack of education." Atleast this takes care of the lack of proper nourishment part of poverty. The organisation distributes freshly cooked healthy meals in more than 5000 government schools. For most of these children, this is the only complete meal in the entire day. This added incentive of coming to school thus improves their education exponentially.

Look at the size of the kid on the left, he's too small to fend for himself in this world

You can read more about them from the wikipedia page or this article by Time magazine. What I've observed most is that many people out there want to donate towards the under privilaged, but either don't know how/where or just plain don't trust the websites out there. You can take your own judgement about donating to these people, but they ask for ONLY Rs. 525 to feed a child for a year. That is the projected costs and I don't know how to use the Rupee symbol on bloody blogspot. You can give in your Pan number and get the tax exemption certificate as well. So if the message isn't clear enough, here's something for the myopic and/or disinterested.

DONATE NOW!

Rs.525 maybe very little or a lot for us but it definitely is a LOT MORE to someone else.

How to alter the human race in 9 easy steps

All you need are : A piece of A4 paper, a pen, a genetic engineering lab, connections in the media

Step 1 : Create an air borne virus that causes female/male infertility (depending on your outlook of life).

Step 2 : Create an antidote which will neutralise the effects of the above virus for a short period of time. Do not proceed to step 3 until Step 2 is complete.

Step 3 : Spread the virus globally without the consent or knowledge of the world's population.

Step 4 : Cause mass media panic and hype about the virus by calling it 'Divine Intervention' or 'God's judgement' or something like that. Everyone will believe it.

Step 5 : Announce the discovery of the antidote months after the 'epidemic' but also state the great expense and how rare the raw materials and creation process are.

Step 6 : Make sure the original list of raw materials and creation process are not leaked onto the internet by some attention seeking bastards

Step 7 : Set the price of the antidote to such a value that only a family above the poverty line can afford it.

Step 8 : A couple must undergo background checks before being given the antidote.

Step 9 : Keep track of records such that a couple can receive the antidote once and must be administered within a guarded facility.

PROS

·         Poverty will cease to exist since poor people can’t have children anymore

·         The problem of over population will be solved since a family can have only 2 children, and thus the strain on earth’s limited resources will be lessened

·         Unwanted pregnancies are a thing of the past

·         Lesser populous means more resources available, leading to less tension among neighbouring nations over common natural resources.

·         Less people in public transport, tickets are made further available

·         Lesser crowds in public places, leading to decreased probability of pick pocketing or molestation.

·         Background checks ensure that people who are not capable or unfit to raise children in a healthy environment will not leave a legacy

·         Less people mean less naturally occurring green house gases like CO₂ and methane

·         Deadly genetic diseases, both physical and mental will eventually be wiped out

·         Though several families will die out, since everyone dies a natural death, the method is humanitarian

CONS

·         Entire African nations will eventually die out due to lack of funds for antidote

·         With elimination of most poor people, nations will lose most people for their manual labour thus leading to a complete stop in functionality. In order to keep on functioning, employers will have to pay their manual labourers more wages, this will be disputed by most private organisations.

·         Third world nations will less funds will be increasingly paranoid about richer countries gaining the upper hand and will protest, first diplomatically and then threatening war in a last ditch effort. This will lead to a worldwide cold war condition.

·         The richer part of society, ie, the top 1% will maintain a larger control of society via capitalism since unions and workers no longer exist.

·         Corruption will lead to the antidote being leaked to the hands of politicians or crime organizations. This will be later sold to the black market.

·         Once leaked, variations of the antidote or the virus might be created which might have adverse effects on people.

·         There may be pockets of civilization unaffected by the virus, such regions will become hotspots of violence due to the aggressive nature of the frustrated neighbouring parts.

CONCLUSION : Despite discussing a phenomenon that can alter the course of the entire human race(most probably towards annihilation), the issue of Software engineers never came into the equation. They are neither part of the method nor the consequences in any remote way. It is therefore concluded that software engineers, with their overall abundance and uselessness serve to be the least significant creature on Earth. GO DIE!

Why news suck!

DISCLAIMER : These are not actual still from the news channels and have been fabricated for the sake of pointing out the idiocy. If you find the below material defamatory or insulting, then you have issues.

Why we suck : Thalaivar Vazhga!

The Great Indian Blogologues [Digitally yours Madras]

Prologue

I still couldn’t believe it when I got the mail from Stray Factory saying one of my posts got selected for the Great Indian Blogologues. I thought it was a hoax until Director Rajiv called me up. From then on it was a mad dash for tickets(last minute obviously) with the blocking and booking and the subsequent confusion between the two.

The Site

Stray Factory had set up a page on their site with my name on it and that was pretty much enough to impress my friends. I mean, it was the first time my name appeared on a website that wasn’t the FBI database. Then they went on to create a whole site for the event – www.blogologues.in. With our individual photos and everything. That increased the hits to my blog many fold. Those who are too lazy to check the site out now, here’s a rough idea.



Don't worry, the post gets more serious from this point on.

31^st October 2010 (D-Day)

The Gathering

I put on my Pirate hat and gathered my battalion of people (whom I bribed to make noise for me) and went for the event . I saw some of the bloggers, from a distance that is. They had 2 tickets worth Rs.500 each for the bloggers absolutely free. That is the highest anyone has estimated my net worth, Rs.1000. I know, I AM awesome! I expected someone to come up and say “hey...are you...Vinay Menon?”. Sadly, that never happened as no one gave a damn . Having no possible idea about the media coverage or what’s going to happen(or ‘gonna happen’ for the literarily challenged), our group entered Shivagami Petachi auditorium.

The Event

Show started with Mathivanan(who’s so badass he didn’t even need a mic) giving an intro of the whole thing and of the bloggers. The lights were strategically dimmed during the latter so that they didn’t look like they were socializing with nerds and/or idiots. If I triggered some insecurity in any of the selected 9 bloggers reading this, let it be known the lights were completely off for moi. 

Everything about the first show can be found here -> ‘The Great Indian Blogologues – A Review’ by Rindo Ramankutty. That’s pretty much the only good complete review out there. He’s said 90% of what I wanted to say. Yeah yeah, remaining 10% coming up, be patient.

The Aftermath

Generally, theatre has this stereotype of being drab and archaic (read : Shakespeare). But anyone who has/hasn’t seen theatre before were floored. The highlights being Inspector Sathya, Mathi the terrorist, Aswath the love struck boy and the Mime troupe. The next 2 weeks were filled with facebook publicity and celebration. Metro did an article on the event talking about how they were kinda stupid and didn’t get all the jokes or something, plus an interview with the only celebrity in our midst. Some people who attended said “Besides the technical errors, the show was perfect”. To them I say – try running a show on stage for 90 minutes perfectly and then talk you whiney bitches! You could’ve at least credited the actor who improvised on stage for the technical errors.

13^th NOVEMBER 2010 (encore)

The Gathering

This time around came with just a few friends and parents quite decently. I knew Giri Vijaykumar was there somewhere since he had bought the Blogologues T-shirt before me(his name was on the list) and I ran into Zaid Mohd. Besides that, the remaining bloggers were too busy saving the world from a meteorite and couldn’t make it. If your real reason tops a broken toe, then I’d agree with you. Else, you know you’re conceited if you can’t come for your own show.

The Event

ACT 1 : Judy finds ‘the one’ by Mathivanan Rajendran

·         This part is mainly monologue, so keeping it interesting by itself was a challenge. A challenge well accomplished by the director.

·         Hawt girl in frame ends the opening monologue with extra emphasis on the statement “I’m a blogger, and I pollute cyberspace”. That was not really funny and completely untrue. With cyberspace full of uncensored violence, snuff, gay porn, Arudhathi Roy and what not, bloggers merely clutter cyberspace, not pollute it.

·         Starting off with ‘Letter to the one’ by Judy Balan. Aiswarya Mahesh did the theatrical incarnation of the bold Judy. Aiswarya brought out a more poetic version of that, ending every sentence with a flourish.

Eg:- I like the idea of going go...UP.........on my toes...when I kiss...

I feel during both shows, the audience didn’t give her enough applause when they should’ve, thus earning Aiswarya the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 1’.

 



"Dear you...."

          The play then seamlessly flows into a mix of ‘The F factor’ and ‘Definitely the heights’, both by Teenu Terrance. Judy’s Mom on screen is both a ‘tyrant’ but still likable.

·         After his entrance and a brief chat with Judy, Mathi begins his own monologue based on ‘Why not be a terrorist’ by Charan, and he totally ‘pwned’ it. This was my favourite post under Mathi’s direction but the stage performance was even better. My favourite part being the infamous ‘pink slip’. It seemed like a stand up act routine, if nothing else.



Multiple passports beeyotch!

         Mathi's line - "They should be tied to a post and tickled to death" - heights of passive aggressiveness.

·         Meanwhile, Hawt girl in frame didn't just sit there being brain dead. She herself was enjoying the show put on my Aiswarya and Mathi.

·         Aiswarya's line - "....a psycho that should be put away in da looony biiiin" - a nod to insults in the 50s

·         In the post ‘Useless friends and loola family’ again by Judy Balan, what stole the show in this one was the Stoned photographer friend. “WAAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

·         The Terrorist's growing frustration as he calls up Judy's contacts, eventually leading him to 'act out' -  "Avinash the superman..nyeh!"

·         The final part of the play includes ‘Dead woman partying’ yet again by Judy Balan and then ‘15 reasons to marry a female blogger’ by Pradeep Kumar. This original blog of the latter had made me cringe since I disagree with the entire post and each of the points(twice). But the on stage duo limited it to just enough to keep the audience interested before ending on a romantic note. (Yes! Judy did find the one, HALLELUJAH!).

·         "Nothing fits like a Gucci" - Product placement or Capitalist conspiracy? You be the judge!



ACT 2 : Vigilante v/s Vigilante by Hariher Balasubramanian

·         A sci fi act based on ‘Transference’ and ‘Heist’ by Giri Vijaykumar. I still have no clue as to why the name for the act. Now this play being based on the blogs means it roughly adopts the concept of one of them and uses the name of the other in a passing conversation. Only the clone would be a common factor in both the blog and act, the rest were new characters.

·         But even at the very start, the audiences’ collective minds were blown away so much that they were cleaning up the brain matter and sanitising the auditorium for days. The reason? INSPECTOR SATHYA portrayed by Joel Nigli. If this act was Inglourious Basterds, then Inspector Sathya was Colonel Hans Landa. Kudos to whoever wrote this breakthrough character in. Anyone gonna brag and take credit for that? No? Moving on. Hereare all the lines of Inspector Sathya through out the play that I can recollect.

·         One change of cast was for the gay cop Ravikrishna. He was a more menacing homosexual in the first performance. But many(including my friends) didn’t get it. So this time around, he was substituted for a more stereotypical and disturbing homosexual (“Saar! He is lika lillipop”).







L to R : Inspector Sathya, Clone, Ravikrishna the gay cop

·         I liked the character of Loansharkji, the bitch aunty/gang boss who is so badass that she talks to her ‘clients’ only through her lieutenant even if they’re standing next to her. Director Hariher Balasubramanian plays the role of Barbie (seriously??!!), the lieutenant.

·         One really funny line by Loansharkij had changed slightly over the 2 performances as far as pauses go.

1^st performance : Does it look................like I give...................a flying............FUCK??!!

2^nd performance : Does it look.....like I give a flying fuck??!!

 This line was noted because of the varied reactions it should’ve received.

Previous Generation : Shiva Shiva! Profanity!! Chee!

GenXer 1 : Nope, I don’t think she’d give a flying fuck.

GenXer 2 : I agree with you, even if she had a dozen flying fucks, she wouldn’t give any of them.

GenXer 1 : Yup, no flying fucks to be received from her. Wanna go smoke grasses?

GenXer 2 : Totally!

·         The next few scenes are a flurry  of Loansharkji quoting Shakespeare(foreshadowing), scientist chicks being both funny(the Chubby one) and annoying(the other one) and Inspector Sathya figuring out the entire plot was based on Transference with a few added twists. The epiphany scene was better done than last performance and this time around  the audience actually got what was going on.





No Barbie! Loansharkji said to slap the other one

·         The main character(Naren Weiss) seems to have gone unnoticed under Inspector Sathya’s shadow. He played the role of confused/seemingly innocent victim well, being bullied by the Inspector. His disturbing enactment of his nail being pulled out turned my focus away from Loansharkji’s lines from Shakespeare. And finally quoting Shakespeare’s relatively unknown lines with a menacing tone was a great ending. Congrats! You have won the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 2’.

 

ACT 3 : Confessions of a Shattered Mind by Rajiv Rajaram

·         This consists of 4 distinct skits loosely integrated in the name of science or something.

·         Starts off with Zaid Mohd’s ‘Traffic Jams’ post, which is basically the Bean Jar analogy on vehicles stuck in a Traffic Jam. The post by itself kinda drags but Naveen George Thomas explains it well as a Scientific Mind complete with technical jargon.

·         Cameo by Director Rajiv as Director Rajiv and the subsequent dialogue – “What yaar?” “Help yaar” “GO yaar!”

·         What really blows you away is the musical Naveen himself sings and the Mime troupe enacting out Chennai traffic scenes including Vehicles, traffic signals, the dastardly traffic police, accidents and ensuing chaos. Thus Naveen gets the coveted title of ‘Sung hero of Act 3’, since he got to sing et al.



The full blown musical



jlk·         The icing on the cake being the line “It is BEANS ladies and gentlemen.....the ‘S’ is silent”.

·         Lisping nerdy Lalit Modi does his thing and becomes a money hungry bastard, but lovably so, in stark contrast with the real one.

·         Using the mime troupe to represent a group of people was a brilliant idea, especially for the ‘Tweet Tweet’ part of the Sashi Jingle and the ‘Local piece’ enactment.

·         One of the BYEST lines in the play was “To unite the upper class ....middle class ....and lower class ”. That was just too good.

·         Sashi’s line “Do not worry my fellow lesser man...” was a complete miss. GRRRR!

·         “He’s a Witch....BURN HIM!”

·         The references to Gabriella Demetriades and Sreesanth were lost on the audience. In fact the whole anti-IPL message was also lost I guess.


How Sashi went from zero to...uh...negative?

·         Ashwath Nair and his crush had a newly added opening duet dream sequence.

·         ‘Truth Stranger than fiction’ by Anuraag Seshadri is a lengthy post with a story that can be fit into 5 lines – (1)Guy likes girl (2)Guy PROFESSES love to girl (3)Girl gets angry (4) Guy has humorous conversation with friends (5) Girl accepts guy as friend. Considering this, the stage performance was a vague adaptation of the shadow of the compressed-made-in-Taiwan version of the distant relative of the original post.


Lessons on how (NOT) to PROFESS your love

 ·         This time around, there were no technical glitches and we got to see Humphrey Bogart fully. But Ashwath did have the chance to improvise when one of his would be stalkers yelled out ‘Nice ass!’.


HUMPHREY BOGART!!!

 ·         EVIL THAI MAMA! BUAHAHAHAHAAA!!

·         I had met this guy before and he behaves pretty much the same on stage. So I never felt it was put on or anything. In short, the Other scientist chick from the previous act can take a few lessons on how to over act and still look good.

·         “I love you” “WHAT?” “ok.......” – CLASSIC!

·         The final part was completely in Tamil and not based on anything I had ever read. But the show put on by Amzad Khan, RJ Ma Ka Pa Anand and especially Sharavan Raghavan(whom my friends called cute) was enough to make you listen to the pointless story about the ‘Mallika Sharawath polle oru pambu’


Get that snake!

 ·         The new closing act? Inspector Sathya makes a re entrance to show them rowdies who’s Da Boss.


Ey you rowdies! Give the message da!



Misc

·         The legendary Krish Ashok wasn’t available since he’s just too awesome to mingle with us mortals. Wouldn’t you agree?

·         The Mime troupe involved were the MacTrics.

·         At the very end, Hiphop Tamizha did a longer performance than last time. Once again, we all liked the beat box guy.

·         Stay tuned for Jerome Bixby’s Man from Earth by Stray Factory!!!


L to R : Directors Hari, Mathi and Rajiv with everyone



The Aftermath

The crowd pretty much loved the performance but still left the auditorium the second Mathi said ‘Thank you’, possibly to discuss about it outside. On stage, everyone was hugging and doing back flips from the excitement of doing, not one, but TWO shows successfully. All credit goes to the Monkey. They made us look cool, and for that, we salute them!

Epilogue

I heard something about Mathi having to travel around the world in less than 80 days while still in make-up (no, he wasn’t made the Prime Minister of England, that’s just a myth). Besides that, the missing bloggers successfully saved the earth from the killer meteorite the best way they could – by making their fans write negative comments about the meteorite in support of them.