DISCLAIMER : These are not actual still from the news channels and have been fabricated for the sake of pointing out the idiocy. If you find the below material defamatory or insulting, then you have issues.
The Great Indian Blogologues [Digitally yours Madras]
Prologue
I still couldn’t believe it when I got the mail from Stray Factory saying one of my posts got selected for the Great Indian Blogologues. I thought it was a hoax until Director Rajiv called me up. From then on it was a mad dash for tickets(last minute obviously) with the blocking and booking and the subsequent confusion between the two.
The Site
Stray Factory had set up a page on their site with my name on it and that was pretty much enough to impress my friends. I mean, it was the first time my name appeared on a website that wasn’t the FBI database. Then they went on to create a whole site for the event – www.blogologues.in. With our individual photos and everything. That increased the hits to my blog many fold. Those who are too lazy to check the site out now, here’s a rough idea.
Don't worry, the post gets more serious from this point on.
31st October 2010 (D-Day)
The Gathering
I put on my Pirate hat and gathered my battalion of people (whom I bribed to make noise for me) and went for the event . I saw some of the bloggers, from a distance that is. They had 2 tickets worth Rs.500 each for the bloggers absolutely free. That is the highest anyone has estimated my net worth, Rs.1000. I know, I AM awesome! I expected someone to come up and say “hey...are you...Vinay Menon?”. Sadly, that never happened as no one gave a damn
The Event
Show started with Mathivanan(who’s so badass he didn’t even need a mic) giving an intro of the whole thing and of the bloggers. The lights were strategically dimmed during the latter so that they didn’t look like they were socializing with nerds and/or idiots. If I triggered some insecurity in any of the selected 9 bloggers reading this, let it be known the lights were completely off for moi.
Everything about the first show can be found here -> ‘The Great Indian Blogologues – A Review’ by Rindo Ramankutty. That’s pretty much the only good complete review out there. He’s said 90% of what I wanted to say. Yeah yeah, remaining 10% coming up, be patient.
The Aftermath
Generally, theatre has this stereotype of being drab and archaic (read : Shakespeare). But anyone who has/hasn’t seen theatre before were floored. The highlights being Inspector Sathya, Mathi the terrorist, Aswath the love struck boy and the Mime troupe. The next 2 weeks were filled with facebook publicity and celebration. Metro did an article on the event talking about how they were kinda stupid and didn’t get all the jokes or something, plus an interview with the only celebrity in our midst. Some people who attended said “Besides the technical errors, the show was perfect”. To them I say – try running a show on stage for 90 minutes perfectly and then talk you whiney bitches! You could’ve at least credited the actor who improvised on stage for the technical errors.
13th NOVEMBER 2010 (encore)
The Gathering
This time around came with just a few friends and parents quite decently. I knew Giri Vijaykumar was there somewhere since he had bought the Blogologues T-shirt before me(his name was on the list) and I ran into Zaid Mohd. Besides that, the remaining bloggers were too busy saving the world from a meteorite and couldn’t make it. If your real reason tops a broken toe, then I’d agree with you. Else, you know you’re conceited if you can’t come for your own show.
The Event
ACT 1 : Judy finds ‘the one’ by Mathivanan Rajendran
· This part is mainly monologue, so keeping it interesting by itself was a challenge. A challenge well accomplished by the director.
· Hawt girl in frame ends the opening monologue with extra emphasis on the statement “I’m a blogger, and I pollute cyberspace”. That was not really funny and completely untrue. With cyberspace full of uncensored violence, snuff, gay porn, Arudhathi Roy and what not, bloggers merely clutter cyberspace, not pollute it.
· Starting off with ‘Letter to the one’ by Judy Balan. Aiswarya Mahesh did the theatrical incarnation of the bold Judy. Aiswarya brought out a more poetic version of that, ending every sentence with a flourish.
Eg:- I like the idea of going go...UP.........on my toes...when I kiss...
I feel during both shows, the audience didn’t give her enough applause when they should’ve, thus earning Aiswarya the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 1’.
"Dear you...."
The play then seamlessly flows into a mix of ‘The F factor’ and ‘Definitely the heights’, both by Teenu Terrance. Judy’s Mom on screen is both a ‘tyrant’ but still likable.
· After his entrance and a brief chat with Judy, Mathi begins his own monologue based on ‘Why not be a terrorist’ by Charan, and he totally ‘pwned’ it. This was my favourite post under Mathi’s direction but the stage performance was even better. My favourite part being the infamous ‘pink slip’. It seemed like a stand up act routine, if nothing else.
Mathi's line - "They should be tied to a post and tickled to death" - heights of passive aggressiveness.
Multiple passports beeyotch!
· Meanwhile, Hawt girl in frame didn't just sit there being brain dead. She herself was enjoying the show put on my Aiswarya and Mathi.
· Aiswarya's line - "....a psycho that should be put away in da looony biiiin" - a nod to insults in the 50s
· In the post ‘Useless friends and loola family’ again by Judy Balan, what stole the show in this one was the Stoned photographer friend. “WAAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
· The Terrorist's growing frustration as he calls up Judy's contacts, eventually leading him to 'act out' - "Avinash the superman..nyeh!"
· The final part of the play includes ‘Dead woman partying’ yet again by Judy Balan and then ‘15 reasons to marry a female blogger’ by Pradeep Kumar. This original blog of the latter had made me cringe since I disagree with the entire post and each of the points(twice). But the on stage duo limited it to just enough to keep the audience interested before ending on a romantic note. (Yes! Judy did find the one, HALLELUJAH!).
· "Nothing fits like a Gucci" - Product placement or Capitalist conspiracy? You be the judge!
ACT 2 : Vigilante v/s Vigilante by Hariher Balasubramanian
ACT 2 : Vigilante v/s Vigilante by Hariher Balasubramanian
· A sci fi act based on ‘Transference’ and ‘Heist’ by Giri Vijaykumar. I still have no clue as to why the name for the act. Now this play being based on the blogs means it roughly adopts the concept of one of them and uses the name of the other in a passing conversation. Only the clone would be a common factor in both the blog and act, the rest were new characters.
· But even at the very start, the audiences’ collective minds were blown away so much that they were cleaning up the brain matter and sanitising the auditorium for days. The reason? INSPECTOR SATHYA portrayed by Joel Nigli. If this act was Inglourious Basterds, then Inspector Sathya was Colonel Hans Landa. Kudos to whoever wrote this breakthrough character in. Anyone gonna brag and take credit for that? No? Moving on. Hereare all the lines of Inspector Sathya through out the play that I can recollect.
· One change of cast was for the gay cop Ravikrishna. He was a more menacing homosexual in the first performance. But many(including my friends) didn’t get it. So this time around, he was substituted for a more stereotypical and disturbing homosexual (“Saar! He is lika lillipop”).
L to R : Inspector Sathya, Clone, Ravikrishna the gay cop
· I liked the character of Loansharkji, the bitch aunty/gang boss who is so badass that she talks to her ‘clients’ only through her lieutenant even if they’re standing next to her. Director Hariher Balasubramanian plays the role of Barbie (seriously??!!), the lieutenant.
· One really funny line by Loansharkij had changed slightly over the 2 performances as far as pauses go.
1st performance : Does it look................like I give...................a flying............FUCK??!!
2nd performance : Does it look.....like I give a flying fuck??!!
This line was noted because of the varied reactions it should’ve received.
Previous Generation : Shiva Shiva! Profanity!! Chee!
GenXer 1 : Nope, I don’t think she’d give a flying fuck.
GenXer 2 : I agree with you, even if she had a dozen flying fucks, she wouldn’t give any of them.
GenXer 1 : Yup, no flying fucks to be received from her. Wanna go smoke grasses?
GenXer 2 : Totally!
· The next few scenes are a flurry of Loansharkji quoting Shakespeare(foreshadowing), scientist chicks being both funny(the Chubby one) and annoying(the other one) and Inspector Sathya figuring out the entire plot was based on Transference with a few added twists. The epiphany scene was better done than last performance and this time around the audience actually got what was going on.
No Barbie! Loansharkji said to slap the other one
· The main character(Naren Weiss) seems to have gone unnoticed under Inspector Sathya’s shadow. He played the role of confused/seemingly innocent victim well, being bullied by the Inspector. His disturbing enactment of his nail being pulled out turned my focus away from Loansharkji’s lines from Shakespeare. And finally quoting Shakespeare’s relatively unknown lines with a menacing tone was a great ending. Congrats! You have won the coveted title of ‘Unsung hero of Act 2’.
ACT 3 : Confessions of a Shattered Mind by Rajiv Rajaram
· This consists of 4 distinct skits loosely integrated in the name of science or something.
· Starts off with Zaid Mohd’s ‘Traffic Jams’ post, which is basically the Bean Jar analogy on vehicles stuck in a Traffic Jam. The post by itself kinda drags but Naveen George Thomas explains it well as a Scientific Mind complete with technical jargon.
· Cameo by Director Rajiv as Director Rajiv and the subsequent dialogue – “What yaar?” “Help yaar” “GO yaar!”
· What really blows you away is the musical Naveen himself sings and the Mime troupe enacting out Chennai traffic scenes including Vehicles, traffic signals, the dastardly traffic police, accidents and ensuing chaos. Thus Naveen gets the coveted title of ‘Sung hero of Act 3’, since he got to sing et al.
The full blown musical
jlk· The icing on the cake being the line “It is BEANS ladies and gentlemen.....the ‘S’ is silent”.
· Lisping nerdy Lalit Modi does his thing and becomes a money hungry bastard, but lovably so, in stark contrast with the real one.
· Using the mime troupe to represent a group of people was a brilliant idea, especially for the ‘Tweet Tweet’ part of the Sashi Jingle and the ‘Local piece’ enactment.
· One of the BYEST lines in the play was “To unite the upper class ....middle class ....and lower class ”. That was just too good.
· Sashi’s line “Do not worry my fellow lesser man...” was a complete miss. GRRRR!
· “He’s a Witch....BURN HIM!”
· The references to Gabriella Demetriades and Sreesanth were lost on the audience. In fact the whole anti-IPL message was also lost I guess.
· Ashwath Nair and his crush had a newly added opening duet dream sequence.
How Sashi went from zero to...uh...negative?
· ‘Truth Stranger than fiction’ by Anuraag Seshadri is a lengthy post with a story that can be fit into 5 lines – (1)Guy likes girl (2)Guy PROFESSES love to girl (3)Girl gets angry (4) Guy has humorous conversation with friends (5) Girl accepts guy as friend. Considering this, the stage performance was a vague adaptation of the shadow of the compressed-made-in-Taiwan version of the distant relative of the original post.
Lessons on how (NOT) to PROFESS your love
· This time around, there were no technical glitches and we got to see Humphrey Bogart fully. But Ashwath did have the chance to improvise when one of his would be stalkers yelled out ‘Nice ass!’.
HUMPHREY BOGART!!!
· EVIL THAI MAMA! BUAHAHAHAHAAA!!· I had met this guy before and he behaves pretty much the same on stage. So I never felt it was put on or anything. In short, the Other scientist chick from the previous act can take a few lessons on how to over act and still look good.
· “I love you” “WHAT?” “ok.......” – CLASSIC!
· The final part was completely in Tamil and not based on anything I had ever read. But the show put on by Amzad Khan, RJ Ma Ka Pa Anand and especially Sharavan Raghavan(whom my friends called cute) was enough to make you listen to the pointless story about the ‘Mallika Sharawath polle oru pambu’
· The new closing act? Inspector Sathya makes a re entrance to show them rowdies who’s Da Boss.
Get that snake!
Ey you rowdies! Give the message da!
Misc
· The legendary Krish Ashok wasn’t available since he’s just too awesome to mingle with us mortals. Wouldn’t you agree?
· The Mime troupe involved were the MacTrics.
· At the very end, Hiphop Tamizha did a longer performance than last time. Once again, we all liked the beat box guy.
· Stay tuned for Jerome Bixby’s Man from Earth by Stray Factory!!!
L to R : Directors Hari, Mathi and Rajiv with everyone
The Aftermath
The crowd pretty much loved the performance but still left the auditorium the second Mathi said ‘Thank you’, possibly to discuss about it outside. On stage, everyone was hugging and doing back flips from the excitement of doing, not one, but TWO shows successfully. All credit goes to the Monkey. They made us look cool, and for that, we salute them!
Epilogue
I heard something about Mathi having to travel around the world in less than 80 days while still in make-up (no, he wasn’t made the Prime Minister of England, that’s just a myth). Besides that, the missing bloggers successfully saved the earth from the killer meteorite the best way they could – by making their fans write negative comments about the meteorite in support of them.
The 14th Conspiracy (Valentine's Day/Children's day)
Valentine's Day : February 14th
Children's Day : November 14th
The gap between these two days every year is exactly 9 months LOL
You may have received this forward/SMS and had a small laugh before deleting it, but you may be deleting away evidence for one of the greatest government conspiracies this nation has ever seen.
If you feel the "Feb/Nov 14th" mail/SMS is just a joke created by some jobless jerk(No! It wasn't me) playing at the fact that the pregnancy period for humans averages at 9 months, then just LOL and ignore this.
But if you see as I see and feel as I feel, then scroll below on the RED title to go further down the rabbit hole! Read till the very end. The last line is the most shocking! If you are weak hearted and/or pregnant or simply choose to remain ignorant, then take the BLUE pill and kindly close the window and save yourself from the horror.
THE 14TH CONSPIRACY
[name of the conspiracy is in fact lame as it indicates that it is the conspiracy which comes after 13 others rather than signifying 14th as a date]
Coincidence or Conspiracy?
The origin of Valentine's day has always been kept vague and approximated to be sometime during 100-300 AD. The government states that all of those present during the first Valentine's day celebrations are now deceased and there were no video or photographic recordings of the event.
HOW CONVENIENT!!!
The smoking gun : The reason told to us by the government as to why November 14th is celebrated as Children’s day is the birth of our first Prime Minister, Jawaharlal Nehru[14 November 1889–27 May 1964]. Nehru died at the age of 75. On February 14th, 1975, P.G. Wodehouse died. Mr.Wodehouse liked both Children and valentines and both those figures have a 75, marked in yellow bold font! HA!
COINCIDENCE??
Still need evidence? Consider the word VALENTINE. Remove V,A,T,N and E. Then rearrange the remaining letters such that I comes first followed by L,E and N. Now insert C and H in front and D and R in the middle. What do you get?
COINCIDENCE????
[note the increasing font size and number of ‘?’s and be more amazed]
Not convinced yet? Take a look at the Children's Day card below...
Didn't see it? Take another look...
That's right! A HEART! The symbol of love and also the main symbol used for anything related to Valentine's day.
But the cross over is not just one way, take a look at the Valentine's Day card below...
Yes! The main subjects used here are CHILDREN!
So HEARTS ended up on a Children's day card and CHILDREN ended up on a Valentine's Day card
COINCIDENCE??????
Still don’t believe? Then the following images may shock you. It is the reason I’m having cold shivers right now, that or the fact that my socks are wet.
The greatest evidence that there is a link between Valentine’s day and Children’s day was released in 1996 by the government itself. Maybe one person in the government wanted us to know the truth and designed the 10 rupee note to carry a hidden message.
Then the following images may shock you. I know I said that before but I’m repeating for added effect and suspense. Follow the instructions to reveal the secret message hidden within these notes.
Step 1 : Take the back side of a 10 rupee note
Step 2 : Fold the note in half like so
Step 3 : Fold the tip of the upper half as shown to align both the ‘10’s written together
Step 4 : Take a pen or marker and write down following letters to reveal the hidden message and with it the truth!
THE TRUTH IS REVEALED! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
And that isn’t the scariest part. As mentioned in the beginning, the difference between the 2 dates within a year is 9 months. Now add one to that. Why? Because I said so!
9 + 1 = 10!!!!
COINCIDENCE or CONSPIRACY??????
How to create the perfect Sci Fi movie
Direktor : So tell me your story, I have lotsa movies and moneys to make!
Person : Sure thing stereotypically greedy director. The title of the movie is....
Person : This story is set in 2150AD, a nice round year. Human society is very different from than what it is now.....as in.....different from what we see in sci fi movies now. People wore.......very.........futuristic.........thong bikinis!!!
Direktor : Thong biki..?
Person : You heard me! Humanity needed to keep itself cool from the catastrophe of global warming. That and fashion seems to be moving towards lesser clothes so it’s believable. Also, being such a wasteful civilization, there were no more natural fuels. We depended solemnly on Arudhathi Roy’s forever talking head to generate the infinite needs of man.............
Direktor : Wait. Wouldn’t global warming have melted.....
Person : I’m getting to that. For now, infinite energy from Roy’s talking head...on a stick. Using the technology of sound harvesting or something..... I forgot to check that stuff out on Wikipedia. Anyways, Global warming has sunk ALL of the continents except Australia for some reason. So everyone is in Australia wearing thong bikinis.
Person : Humanity now had so many awesome inventions like the zero calorie hamburger, the iPod© that fits on your eyelashes and you can change songs by just blinking and multipurpose condom which smells...
Direktor : OK! Enough setting, start the fuckin story!
Person : So we open with 6 friends – Judy, Michelle, Jacob, Robert, Sam and Carla. Judy has invented a time machine to go back in time to kill Hitler’s Parents and dog. Michelle started a theme park where through genetic engineering, they’ve resurrected extinct comedians like Robin Williams, Govinda and Sonia Gandhi. She calls it ‘Why-did-we-resurrect-such-moronic-comedy Park!’. Now Jacob, he’s a visionary. He invented the serum that no one knows what it does....since he hasn’t tested it. But it would be something truly awesome. Robert has the gift to foresight. He became a trillionaire by predicting the stock markets and by going to the parties where Abhishek Bachhan won’t be there. Sam had some other clichéd science fictiony kinda backstory to him also. Carla was just a bitch.
Direktor : Sounds like a complicated vaguely interesting story.
Person : One day, everything changes when they all meet and they all....SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND DIE!...ALL 5 of them!...Thus ending all possibilities of yet another sitcom.
Direktor : Weren’t there 6 people who were introduced to the audience in a chaotic manner?
Person : Yeah, Carla was killed by a truck. The driver hated her ‘cause she was a bitch. So going on to the introduction of our main character, a person who’s name isn’t generic, a person who’s name you won’t forget, a person who deserves a sentence with 4 commas just to be intro-ed. He was....COMMADER CHICKENSHIT! The Leader of the space ship – FAT BASTERD! And with it, he flew off to fight the alien menace.
Direktor : Wha? Space ship? Commander?
Person : Oh right! I forgot to tell you about the apocalypse. There was like, this apocalypse that totally ruined the earth, it was, THE GAY APOCALYPSE! The virus spread by affecting who ever tuned into the 2nd season of Coffee with Karan.
Person : The virus wasn’t created by a scientist who wanted to play God, it was created by a scientist who was dared by his friends over the last slice of pizza. Once the virus had infested the minds of every person, their farts smelt like strayberry soufflé. Stage two of the infestation includes complimenting each other’s dressing sense. Skipping a few stages, finally everyone got really gay. Since gay people are clean and friendly, the world decided to destroy all it’s weapons of micro and mass destruction. Thus every nation was left defenceless but didn’t care since they were all being gay together. And that’s when, Commander Chickenshit flew off on his ship...the Fat Basterd...to fight the alien menace.
Direktor : Wha? Alien menace?
Person : Oh right! The aliens. There were these race of aliens. We discovered their planet when the gay captain of our gay space exploration ship used the gay navigation controller joystick for gay purposes and accidentally landed on their planet. Their planet was located in the
Direktor : W...w..w...wait! Black aliens? As in African American aliens?
Person : YEAH! What did you think? That the aliens were just one unified single culture race? Dude! That’s racist! That’s as racist as thinking the future has only Caucasian people with maybe one black/Japanese dude.
Direktor : Did it?
Person : NO! The human race was predominantly Chinese and Dravidian due to their large numbers even before global warming. Once the water levels rose, these two races knew how to swim well. 99% of the Americans drowned since they were obese. That’s where our hero comes in, Commander Chickenshit – an Indo-Chino-Irish midget with horns. And he also eats small children.
Direktor : Why did he have horns?
Person : ‘Cause his mom was a goat shepherd.
Direktor : Oh...............OOOHH!
Person : So yeah, Commander Chickenshit, fat basterd, alien menace. As I was saying, the aliens jumped onto the backs of the athletic black aliens and they jumped onto our planet. These aliens came with the ultimate death weapon, a wooden board! Unfortunately, humans had already destroyed all their weapons and gay people don’t fight very well. So the aliens enslaved humanity in about 17 minutes. But the aliens had one weakness, the music of Celine Dion.
Direktor : So humans defeat them with the simplest resource? End of story!
Person : No, Celine Dion was too gay even for gay people, so they had destroyed it along with the weapons of mass destruction. But they had to go to plan B. Send a space ship with the Commander and his crew to the alien planet and make them gay also. Then have a huge inter galactic gay orgy. So we had the line up – Commander Chickenshit, Lt. Female Character, Jeff the mentally retarded ninja and a dung beetle. Lt. Female was a blonde without an hour glass figure, flat chested and didn’t have make up that stayed on even in space. So they set off to the alien planet of
Direktor : How can he attack a space ship? Didn’t the aliens not have any technology?
Person : Ya...but the chief...hid...behind the time machine on the space ship and picked the right moment to attack, right when Commander was on the toilet! By the way, the time machine part is foreshadowing.
Direktor : Lovely.
Person : So they all fight using the alien technology of wooden sticks. But Chief Asafahooji had the most advanced computer from their planet. With it he squashed the dung beetle. Commander had no choice but to throw Lt. Female at the Chief and run like crazy into the time machine. So he hid in the time machine and what happened next wasn’t clichéd or predictable at all, he was sent back in time to the exact point in the past where he could alter the future and solve the problem that was plaguing his time line. So everything started to get black and white and grainy in the year 2012.
Direktor : WAIT! In 2012, they had color. We even have color now, and it’s only 2010.
Person : That’s because....everything in 2150 looked way more....awesome and colourful.....as when compared to 2010....since....gay people.....had...SUPER VISION! Yeah! Super vision. They obtained that vision through evolution, since they needed good vision to spot another gay in a huge crowd.
Person : So as I was saying, The Commander landed in grainy black and white 2012, just a few hours before the gay apocalypse. He figured out that if they gay apocalypse hadn’t taken place, people will still have weapons and would be able to fight off the aliens rather than run away like sissies.
Direktor : Look, I don’t have much time...
Person : Patience! So he started off to find the origin, but first he went to a male strip bar. Then he hooked up with a couple of gay dudes like David Beckam, Dick Cheney, that guy from the WWE and all Sony digicams. Then he started off to find the origin, and found it. The twist is, it wasn’t a scientist and it wasn’t a virus. It was simply by watching Koffee with Karan that everyone turned gay. But in order to stop the telecast, he had to defeat...THE MEGA BRAIN COMPUTER!
Direktor : Where did that come from?
Person : The CIA had used it to keep track of everyone on the planet and were too lazy to do it themselves since they are Americans. So The Commander figured out that by reversing the polarity scale of the vector differential to the magnum Genghis Khan, he could destroy the Mega Brain, so he spilt coffee on the keyboard. The Computer started emitting sparks and then exploded, since that how a normal talking computer would react to spilling liquids on the keyboard. So now the world free from the Gay Apocalypse, he somehow returned back to his time only to realise nothing has changed.
Direktor : How can nothing change? He just reversed the gay Apocalypse.
Person : Yeah well, going back in time and changing the past only creates another time line unless your want to explain the Grandfather’s Paradox. So in the alternate time line he created, humans destroyed the planet with World War 3. In his current time line, nothing much has changed. So he had no choice but to destroy Chief Asafahooji with the aliens’ second biggest weakness – SODOMY! So he killed the chief and since all aliens give up once their leader is destroyed rather than filling up the power void, humans lived gaily ever after. THE END! On yeah, and he went on to eat many small children.
Direktor : What happened to Lt. Female Character?
Person : Oh she tried to fight the Chief while the Commander was time travelling. In order to gain the upper hand, she jumped into a tank of nuclear waste to get mutant super powers. Sadly she got cancer and died few months later.
Direktor : That is the worst story I’ve ever heard, and further more...what’s that smell?
Person : Oh, I’m sorry, I farted. Please excuse...
Direktor : No it’s alright, it smells like...Strayberry soufflé.
Person : Why thank you. You know since you were being such a jerk I didn’t notice what a nice shirt you got on.
Direktor : Oh wow! This is my favourite shirt. Thankyousomuch! Wanna make out?
Person : Sure!
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