Avial @ Chennai August 6th

Rs.500

That’s not the monthly wage of the construction worker living in that conveniently ignored slum near you or the denomination of the paper that Chonia Gandhi uses to wipe her elegant eye-talian behind, that was the rate of the tickets for Avial’s performance at Chennai on 6^th August, EARLY BIRD RATES! We were lucky enough to be able to contribute to the economy by blocking a whole bunch of tickets at Rs.750 rather than pay that extra Rs.35/ticket if we buy the tickets online(all the money incidentally, WON’T go to orphans with diseases). Now I won’t mention which hotel in Nungampakkam, Chennai charged us an obscene amount with no proper planning for the event, but.....

Them assholes said we couldn’t get in without having shoes? WTF! SHOES?! For a band from Kerala? We Malayalis will start wearing shoes as part of our dress code when the rest of the world start eating Kerala cuisines without complaining about the coconut oil. Yeah sure, part of club policy, we don’t look as kewl as you management people, etcetera etcetera etcetera. Despite all the “No dogs and chappal wearers allowed” attitude going on, we got in without much of a problem.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention waiting in queue for our tickets to get printed and arrive at the location....with about 200 other people....in a passage way that’s 4 feet wide and 20 feet long....for about half an hour. Doesn’t sound too difficult? Compared to what was about to follow, yes.

Once inside, we realised that our over priced entrance ticket money was well spent on an average sized room with no AC, no ventilation, pointless flood lights, even more pointless revolving stage lights, pathetic sound equipment and local booze. Inside we noticed that they didn’t even let Tony(vocals) get in with his usual shirtum-mundum combination outfit, even he had to wear pants and shoes. Why not increase ticket rates to Rs.2000 and allow entry for only those with suit and jacket and a silver spoon up the ass me wondered. Maybe it was us, maybe it was the band or maybe it was the brain dead bastard controlling the audio output, but Avial’s sound check just took TOO FUCKIN’ LONG!

After the Avial cleared the area and the crowd started becoming restless, Benny Dayal came on stage. They kept us all entertained, expect one fine gentleman who wanted to show all the drunken characteristics of the fathers that sired him.

Then began yet another half another wait while Avial were doing…what ever it is they do for half an hour backstage while their audience waited for them……without AC…without ventilation….with huge pointless lights in our faces….and even more pointless moving lights spinning around near our crotches.

When the audience finished singing all the Malayalam songs composed since the time of Adam and Eve Menon, the band FINALLY, kullichu kuttappanmaar aayi powder okke itte ethi (TRANSLATION : bath-taking-powder-wearing-good-boys FINALLY got on stage).

Tony straight away started his weird-stoned-snake dance routine in his usual outfit. First time I saw it, it was entertaining. After the Aanakallan video, Tony just turned from a Malayali to a KOMALI, AHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HA HA HAAA…. …..moving on.

Obviously they opened with Aanakallan. In the before, you could get drunk from just listening to Avial songs. Aanakallan is special, if you listen to it when drunk you sober up. It’s kind of like reading a religious scripture when horny and getting turned off.

BUT! Aanakallan live was actually a good song, not an Avial standard song, but a good song. Tony kept us entertained with his speech impediment thing and shiny head. Rex (lead) was just being quiet as usual while thinking in his mind “Heh! That’s mah music you be appreciating bitches. Now bang those heads!”

In all honesty, the 1^st Avial album was just perfect and the old songs made us forget the heat, the sweat, the lack of oxygen, lack of money or lack of proper organizing on behalf of our esteemed hosts in the awesomeness that is their hotel.

Tony kutta! Aanakalla! We saw you not singing all the lines of every song. Ah well, at least ‘Ayyo’ was written for you. Rehearse more da! Even Rex was getting tired of your on stage stand up comedy.

Eventually, the heat and carbon dioxide got to the band as well. Binny(bass) showed us mercy and sprinkled the water from his bottle onto the crowd. Mithun(drums) who had totally burned out(twice) from his bad ass drumming, walked to the front of the stage and poured the water over his head as though saying “Yeah! I’m dying here too”. Suddenly, out of nowhere jumps out DoucheMan™, defender of posh hotels and clubs. DoucheMan™ just got verbally violent on Mithun for chilling out. DoucheMan™ doesn’t care that it was his hotel that ripped off so many Avialheads and provided sub-standard service in return, DoucheMan™ was the ass slave of the hotel empire and he’ll start foaming in the mouth and barking like a rabid dog if one molecule  of water touches his beloved hotels beloveder equiptment. DoucheMan™ saved the day and may he rot in hell for that.

No matter how much we started to enjoy the Avial songs, we were constantly swarmed by buzz kills like the equipment control guy (“Saar saar! Dan touch lightings.”) or the bar mixers (“No coke saar! Soda vatter.”) and even idiots in the crowd (“Dude! I have no respect for Metallica, they’re  buncha whores”). But the greatest of them all was the sound mixer mudda fugga(who will henceforth be referred to only as mudda fugga).

Tony : Can we have more sound on vocals please?

Mudda fugga : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rex : (gestures more sound on his guitars)

Mudda fugga : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Everyone : ……………..

Later,

Avial : Chaapa Kurish song>

Chick  : Chaaaapaaaaa…….kurisheeeeeeeee……….

Tony : More sound on vocals please

Mudda fugga : (gives Tony the middle finger)

Everyone : ………………..

Even later,

Tony : Please turn off the flood lights it’s too hot.

Flood lights : (OFF)

Tony : And rotate the revolving lights upwards.

Revolving lights : (points upwards)

Avial : (Resume)

Flood lights : (ON)

Revolving lights : (revolve like hell)

Everyone : WTF!

Mudda fugga : (continues to masturbate)

Safe enough to say that we got tired of all this bullshit and got out before the damn thing ended and missed Aadu pambe and Nada Nada. Ah well, choose a better place next time Avial!