300: Rise of an Empire in a nutshell

We're coming in live from Rio, where the fans have gathered for 2014 FIFA World Cup

So picking up just after the events of 300, actually, way before 300 but also while 300 is happening and after...you know what? Forget it!

A long time ago in ancient Eurasia, there was a great Athenian warrior named Thamisstiklees...uh, Thurmyzticeles...The-mystical-eves? Just go check out IMDB. So Tea-Miss-Tickle-seas kills an invading Persian king in slow motion.

Themus-tea-cleaves: With crystal clear clarity in the midst what seemed like of a heavy battle 5 seconds ago.

Blood: (looks more fake than 300)

Normal Xerexes: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You have killed my father, prepare to die!

Persian King: This is a good time to introduce Badass Eva Green, the main antagonist of the movie.

Everyone in the audience knows that someone will have sex with Basass Eva Green at some point in this movie.

Badass Eva Green: You will walk half naked into the desert without an aim.

Normal Xerexes: Isn't this similar to Leonidas training in the wilderness with...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.

So Normal Xerexes walks into a random cave aimlessly and submerges into the septic tank of the weird leper magician people in the cave. In an instance of Zack Snyder nonsense, he emerges as Giant Xerexes from 300, complete with piercings and make up. It makes no sense but sure as hell looks cool!

Zack Snyder: Now don't forget, lots of blood.

Unknown Director: You got it.

Zack Snyder: (flies off to ruin Batman)
Giant Xerexes: Let's go kill those Greeks!

Thee-mis-frigle-chineese: We must unite Greece into one nation against Persia.

Politicians: That won't happen now but will happen later in this movie for dramatic effect.

The-refridgerator-keys: Let's be friends yo!

Hot Queen from 300: NO way, you gay!

One eyed Spartan from 300: Hey guys! We totally love death and killing!

Spartans: A-WOO! A-WOO!

The-mistletoe-freeze: Savage weirdos!

Hot Queen from 300: Get lost, else the plot won't progress. Also, Gerard Butler is totally not in this scene 'cause...he, uh...he's...he's taken the dog for a walk. NOT 'cause he didn't want to do this pointless sequel or anything.

Unknown Director: Yeah! He's like, right around the corner man.

The-not-so-impressed-eese: Isn't this similar to when Leonidas went to the Oracle asking for support and didn't...oh fuck it! I'll stop comparing the movies.

Spartans: A-WOO! A-WOO!

Some random shit happens and we get the back story of Badass Eva Green and it involves rape, since that is topical I guess. Skipping through all the boring part we get to the main presentation of this movie - 300 at Sea!

Naval Battle #1

Badass Eva Green: Let us underestimate the Athenians and attack.

Persian General #1: Isn't that similar to what Xerexes did in the...oh fuck it! I'll just go and get defeated.

The-democracy-of-sleeves: Let's make random references to the 300 Spartans so as to let the audience know of the chronology, and not 'cause we lack the credibility as a stand alone movie.

Slow motion: (Happens)

Blood: (looks like chocolate milkshake)

Persians: (Dead)

Athenians:  (Not dead)

Soundtrack: (sucks)

Badass Eva Green: You underestimated them you fool, and now you shall pay with your life!

Persian General #2: Isn't this similar to Xerexes being disappointed with his general and punishing them...oh fuck it! I'll glug glug glug...

Naval Battle #2

Badass Eva Green: Your turn!

Persian General #2: Seeing as I'm not a famous actor, I'm guessing we all know what'll happen even though we outnumber the Greeks one gazillion to one.

These-physical-peeves: WAIT! We're not ready for battle!

Athenian Person: I wonder what Leonidas and his 300 are doing?

This-quizzical-weaves: Phew! There we go, now we can fight in slow motion.

More Slow motion: (Happens)

Blood: (looks like crude oil)
Persians: (Dead)
Athenians:  (Not dead)
Soundtrack: (still sucks)

And so, despite being outnumbered and underestimated, the Athenians still won in ways that looks cool on screen yet make no sense when you think about it. Soon enough, Badass Eva Green was desperate.

Badass Eva Green: Come join me! (gets horny and nekkid)

Thermometer-icicles-bees: Isn't this similar to when Xerexes offered Leonidas to join his side and...oh compare it! I'll stop fucking the...uh, whatever...(gets nekkid)

Having less charm and personality than shouty Gerard Butler in 300(which is saying something), our Athenian hero enjoys the sex sans expression and pisses off Badass Eva Green mid-coitus, for some odd reason. Suffice to say, Badass Eva Green is pissed. Most of the audience(the males) leave the theater having seen what they'd come to see, leaving their confused girlfriends.

Naval Battle #3

Badass Eva Green: I. IS. PIZZED.

Persian General #3: It's a good idea that you're covering the Greeks in tar or oil or whatever and then setting them on fire. Come to think of it, why didn't we think of this strategy before?

Unknown Director: Not much slow motion in this battle.

Persian General #3: Understood.

Athenians: (Dead)

Fire: (looks more fake than the blood)

Soundtrack: (do they just have one song in this thing?)

The-receptacle-jeeves: How did I survive despite being five feet away from the epicenter of a huge explosion?

Athenian Person: Your best friend is dead!

Everyone: OH NOES!

Another Athenian Person: The 300 are dead!

Everyone: Oh NOES!

Yet another Athenian Person: Hundreds of Athenians are dead!

Everyone: I guess, that's sad.

Everyone stops playing with ships and retreats, the Athenians and the Persians, 'cause the movie needed to pace itself and require boring talking scenes in between the slow motion fighting scenes.

Theme-is-a-squeeze: Let's be friends yo!

Hot Queen from 300: FUCK OFF! My husband just died and I am sad, though we've repeatedly mentioned that the greatest glory a Spartan can have is death in the battlefield.

Giant Xerexes: Hey, I'm still in this movie.

Badass Eva Green: Enough talk! Let's fight!

Final Naval Battle

Giant Xerexes: We actually do outnumbered them a gazillion to one. Why did we launch our entire CGI navy against three ships? And isn't this similar to...oh fuck it! I'll just be a giant.

Blood: (looks like the smoke monster from Lost)

Thurmostatic-reeves: HORSE!

CGI Horse: Ta da!

Timid-fickle-grease: (plays Grand Theft Auto: Athenia)

Badass Eva Green: We meet again Obi Wan.

Tee-multiplex-eese: Except this time, I shath thrust my sword deep inside ye and...okay, you got the joke, let's fight.

But then, something poetic and subtle happens in this movie. That's right, a movie about excess blood and violence and jokes about masturbation and sex has something subtle and poetic happen.

Zack Snyder: Uh! You're welcome!

All of Greece arrives at the exact same time! Brilliantly coordinated and narrated by Hot Queen from 300. But wait, how can she narrate the event of this movie when she wasn't even present most of the time. Isn't it similar to when One Eyed Spartan leaves the battlefield and still is able to tell the world of the fate of the 300(minus one) Spartans as well as...of fuck it! I'll just...wait, is she still narrating?

Hot Queen in 300: And I jump onto the ship wearing a dress and lead the armada of hundreds of half naked muscle bound men. Yes, I carry nothing but the dress and the sword of my husband and I have the maneuverability and ferocity of these trained for life warriors.

Three-myxlplyx-eese: I'm glad you came, but could you please stop narrating the events of the movie?

Hot Queen in 300: This is the ultimate sign of equality between men and women, as I sever the carotid artery of this random Persian, naively glossing over the parts where the Greeks themselves were as brutal as...

Soundtrack: (they might as well have played Gangam style)

Giant Xerxes: I did 6 hours of make up to stand next to the green screen for five friggin' scenes?!

Hot Queen in 300: ...bodies heap up as a close up shot of the ongoing battle is followed by a fade to black.

Badass Eva Green: Isn't that exactly how 300 ended...oh fuck it! I'll just be dead! (dies)

Zack Snyder: Next time around, we'll have Greeks fight Persians in the air. We'll call it, 300: My ego trilogy!

Unknown Director: Planes weren't invented during that time Sir.

Zack Snyder: SILENCE! I am vengeance! I am the night! I...AM...

Chris Nolan: I'm unfriending you on Facebook.

Fin