Ultimate Aberration: April 2014

The Mark

He checks himself in the mirror once again. The Mark is still as visible in reflection as it was to the naked eye.

He sits at the foot of his bed to contemplate the meaning. Over 24 hours had passed since he had made the Deal but the world outside was as dark and empty as it had before.

"How much longer do I have to wait?" he whispers to himself and the one he had made the deal with. He longed for some comfort from the only one he knew who could give him the answer. He could almost see the sly face of his sinister Demon giving false hope and trying to comfort him.

Maybe if I try and remember the Demon's face, it would appear in front of me, he thinks, shaking his head to clear his mind.

He remembers how the Demon's face used to leer at him, everywhere he looked. It had a confident smirk on it's face.

"I can make all the pain go away." it had hissed at him. He had chosen to ignore the face and kept on walking away. But every corner he turned, he had seen the same diabolical lips, curled in satisfaction at his utter confusion.

He shakes his head, just to get a sense of reality and looks around his empty room, partially wary of another presence. He knows the Demon won't be summoned at will, it was far too powerful. He knows the only way is to while away time till the Demon realizes its end of the bargain. He looks at his Mark and then outside his window. How could a world, so full of people, be so full of darkness, he wonders.

Thinking of how irreversibly damaged his reality is, gives him a new wave of confidence in his Deal. He walks over to the windows and looks outside. Had he been any normal person, he would've been looking at a scenery as mediocre as they come by. A twitch and a chill down his spine remind him of the Void which is slowly gripping the world unbeknownst to its inhabitants.

He had known of the Void the same day he had met the Demon. He'd always known there was something wrong with his world, but since no one spoke of it, he had ignored his more paranoid thoughts.

That's when the Demon had appeared in his life.
"I can make the pain go away." he heard, from every direction. When he went outside, the Demon's face was everywhere.
"I can make the pain go away."
He had tried to find refuge at home, only the Demon found a way to find him through the TV, his laptop and even Dad's morning newspaper.
"I can make the pain go away."
The only solace he had received was shut in his room, breaking contact with everyone, even his family. He used to think to himself about the Void that surrounded him from all sides. He used to think about the Demon's face.
Whether it was morbid curiosity or his will power giving way, he finally acknowledged the haunting face.
"I can make the pain go away."
"But how? My world is so big?"
"Have faith in me child. All I ask in return is one small possession of yours. Something which you'll hardly mourn once it is gone."
He had almost chuckled to himself just before he had made the Deal. Of course, the Demon wanted his soul. After watching all those movies, he knew the drill. Yet, he still asked the Demon what it wanted.
"I think you already know." the Demon began coyly "To make your pain go away and make the world a better place, all I ask of you is your identity."
"My identity?"
"Your identity."
"That will make the pain go away?"
"That will make the pain go away."
Once again, he had decided to go ahead with the Deal without consulting someone wiser. He had made the biggest decision in his life. He had made, the Deal.
"How will I know you will keep your end of the Deal?"
"I told you to have faith in me", the Demon had maliciously whispered into his ear "but to do away with your concern, I shall mark you. For days, you can gaze upon the mark and think about the Deal. Let it be a reminder for you."
And before he could raise a protest, the Demon was gone. The next day, he could no longer find the Demon's face lurking behind every corner. All that remained in the streets were empty shadows which only bore a vague semblance of the monster that once was. But the Void remained and loomed over the world like the stench of death itself.
Now, he sat alone in his room, refusing company and food, waiting for when the world would change for the better as his Demon had promised.
He looks at his Mark once again, this time, a bit more closely. He tries to erase it away with his other finger but to no avail. He notices that the Mark reminds him of something, something familiar, something vicious. He focuses more and more closely on the Mark, till the whole world surrounding him vanishes and in his Mark he could finally see it.
The dark Mark is exactly like the Void that surrounds him. It feeds off him. It lives off him. It is him.
He stumbles back in horror when he comes to the realization that the Mark is the same as the Void and the Demon. His world will never be rid of the Void and he will never be rid of the Mark.
"Fuck!", he sighs in a defeated tone "I should have just stayed home on election day."

Image courtesy: http://obsidianentity.deviantart.com/art/Creepy-Smile-357757047

How bad roads can improve India

A bad road isn't inefficiency. A bad road is opportunity. For whom? Stop being such a doubting pessimist!

Let's start from the beginning when a daddy road loves a mommy road very much and people want to drive their stupid cars to the stupid malls to do stupid people things. But when they buy their stupid car and plan their trip to the mall 20 meters away using Google Earth, they realise that the terrain between where they are and where they want to be isn't stupid car friendly.

Sources: islands.com, ibnlive.com

So they plop to the ground and beat their arms and legs about for about 400 years before the Government realizes that it's election season again and they need to satiate the serfs.

The government releases the Kraken and the PWD department. One is a monster that consumes endlessly and gives nothing back to society but pain and destruction, the other is the Kraken(if you didn't see that coming, you better power off your system and go lie down before you hurt yourself).

After needlessly wasting time on a survey using a stick and a packet of biscuits, they take tea breaks till the budget is exhausted.

People harmed : None

People benefited: The PWD

Finally, the PWD decides to call in the specialist. The contractor!

Sources: milkthefranchise.com, neatorama.com

The contractor has two objectives in life:-

Make a profit
Make a profit next year

The contractor makes a huge profit by taking all the money he's gotten to build the roads, and depositing it at the bank. Then going home and taking his children's chalks, grinding it and laying it down on the ground. BAM! Insta-road!

People harmed : None

People benefited: The PWD and their families, the contractor and his family

In places where it rains a lot, the chalk powder will get washed away in 5 minutes. In places where it doesn't rain, the people who're starving will eat the chalk powder within 5 minutes.

People harmed : None

People benefited: The PWD, the contractor and hungry people

Finally, you got your road and you can go to the mall, right? NO BITCH! You fall into those pot holes and break a leg! Blood every where! Wait for the ambulance. Keep screaming. Still waiting for the ambulance. Kids are taking photos of your misery with their new smart phones. Where is that ambulance? Your photos have gone viral. Just kidding! Who'd want to see your photos? Is that the ambulance?

People harmed : You

People benefited: PWD, contractor, hungry people, jobless rich kids

Since the insurance system is only making it's way to India from the US, you'll be treated for your injuries.
Uh oh! It's a private hospital. So they're gonna have to run a few hundred tests on you. It's normal to check your internal organs when your hand just got severed off. Stop crying you baby!

People harmed : You

People benefited: A LOT of rich people

Meanwhile, you get the estimate for repair work of your vehicle. You instantly die of a heart attack.

People harmed : You

People benefited: A LOT of rich people and a mechanic

So do you see why complaining about the road makes you a selfish prick? Bad roads benefit far too many people for the universe to care about your little complaints. Quit being such a spoil sport.

Top 5 ways to die in India

Note: All ratings are out of 5.

#5: Poverty

A dire consequence of a nation which promotes arranged marriage and motherhood is that everyone procreates, no matter their ability to raise the offspring. While the quelled middle class themselves are finding it difficult to raise children in this cruel and harsh world, people of lesser financial stature are 200% ensuring that the world is a worse place bring more children into it and thus giving the said child little choice but to suffer in it.
Now that you are poor, let's consider your options. If you live in the city, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you live in the country side, you can die of hygiene problems or of starvation. If you survive in either cases, you can die of neglect by a Government who knows you won't be interested in voting.
It's like playing chess with yourself while sky diving without a parachute. The only way you can win is by losing, and then you'll die.
If you do get above the ever descending poverty line, don't forget that inflation will beat you to it.

Source: The Syndian

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity: ☺

Style: ☺

Mess: ☺☺

#4: Shame

Marrying someone you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Wearing what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Studying what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Eating what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Earning what you wanted to? Log kya kahenge?
Car not expensive enough? Log kya kahenge?
No children? Log kya kahenge?
Not enough children? Log kya kahenge?
Dark skin? Log kya kahenge?
Short? Log kya kahenge?
Too much hair? Log kya kahenge?
Too little hair? Log kya kahenge?
Born at the wrong time? Log kya kahenge?
Still alive? Log kya kahenge?

All of the above questions has two solutions.

Image sources: http://ragemaker.net/, IBNlive.com, ngpod.cn, investwithalex.com

Awesomeness: ☺☺

Publicity: ☺☺☺☺

Style: ☺☺☺☺

Mess: ☺

#3: Accidents

Rules are for losers. Work is for idiots. So let's leave our work half done and break all the rules to do what is convenient for us. But if someone else does it, damn that person's soul to hell.

Of course, this causes just a minor problem known as inefficiency. This leads to even minor life threatening pit falls where someone loses a life. Yes, it's all fun and games till someone drowns, or falls off a building, or a building falls on them, or gets hit by a car, or simply forgot to pay the dowry.

As a service to you, I've already Googled 'accident' and found the images to be quite fascinating. You can do it yourself and think about what people will be talking about seeing your body in that condition.

Awesomeness: ☺☺☺☺

Publicity: ☺☺

Style: ☺☺☺☺

Mess: ☺☺☺☺☺

#2: Religion

Go ahead and make any reference towards any religion and/or their religious head(s). In a country where the right to religion(no qualification required) is more important than right to speech will lead to the most religious people having the grace of a blind club wielding gorilla riding atop a deranged rhinoceros on cocain. All you need to do is to point a question of "Why?" at the monster or even not be doing anything at all. What will follow is torture(physical and mental) followed by ostracization be all your peers, family and friends since it obviously is your fault.
Forget that all of the 'beliefs' are based on what your parents parroted to you, it's not your belief and your righteous indignation is righteous. More people have lost body parts, lives and loved ones in the name of the random events that you have no control of (aka god) than accidents, honour killings and poverty combined.
Are those statistics accurate? You insult my god! Prepare to die.

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity: ☺☺☺☺

Style: ☺☺☺☺☺

Mess: ☺☺☺☺

#1: Girl

A girl is not what is going to get you killed, I meant you should simply BE a girl. From female infanticide to honour killings and beyond, women in India find it way easier to die than the opposite sex. Here are a couple of easy steps:-

Born as a girl
If you survived step 1, do something which you are told shouldn't be done.
If you survived step 2, make sure that you're not a man or if you got the wrong country.

Source: Dolls of India

Awesomeness: ☺

Publicity: ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

Style: ☺

Mess: ☺☺☺☺

So remember, if you're planning to die in India, make it count.

Bollywood cliches that must stop

Before I start ranting, I must note to one and all that I AM aware that every other film industry, especially Hollywood, employs the use to cliches in lieu of intelligent screenwriting as well. If your first reaction to the below cliches is "then tell us Hollywud also use clinches no?", kindly go punch yourself in the groin till your respective Bollywood idol walks up to you and tells you to stop.

So let's crack on, shall we?

The choreographed dance sequence

Yes, this is a cliche. I know songs are put in movies to make extra money, but they are all now generic, lacking substance and easily digestible by all. So is baby food.
Once in a while you have the dream sequence and/or the making of a music video excuse to crow bar in a song or two(the latter a brilliant example of coordination as the entire song is taken in a single take). In any other case, it's just down right annoying to have the continuity broken by some dancing and singing to as to keep those people who hate all the talking, entertained and interested.

The club scene

The most common excuse for a song sequence these days is the club scene. Although this is as close to reality as the Lock Ness monster.

What Bollywood tells us that happens in clubs
Source: tr3s.com

What actually happens in clubs
Source: Deccan Chronicle archives

If you want to do a music release of the movies and have more cash to stuff into your mattress, I suggest you make it subtle and play it over a montage or something. If you make the characters dance and sing like a bunch of circus animals, I'm going to assume you're an idiot and hate all your future releases.

Everyone sings

Who the hell is playing the background music? And how can they hear anything being on a train?
Source: Bollywood Eye

Let us assume that the participants have been meeting over the weekends to practice the moves for the dance and make it seem impromptu. What about the singing?
All those songs and I didn't see one instance of someone busting out their Bose speakers for background music. Do they live in a reality where they all can simultaneously hear karaoke music in their heads or do they just sing without music?

The Action sequence

Phuck Physics

Seat belts save lives...oh wait.
Source: Heavy.com

ZOMG! That's so mind blowing that my mind is blown wonly. The epitome of what Bollywood would do to garner cheap applause while keeping the audience dumb enough for the next movie which divorces itself from physics.

And you make fun of Rajini Kanth, hypocrites!

Unlimited stamina!

The hurdles leg of the Bollywood Ironman challenge
Source: dooleyonline.com

Next time you see a chase scene in the movie, time it and try running at your top speed for the same amount of time. If you succeed, congrats! You're really in shape. In most cases, it'll bring you to the stark reality of having to run for your life without getting tired AT ALL!

What's their secret? Gatorade? The star from Mario? Multiple takes? Unless the characters involved in the chase are established as long distance runners, I'm not buying this.

The script

I know the script is the least funded element of the movie, as opposed to the main actors' ego. After a while, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

Character arc - The Male

There are only two character transformations for a male protagonist. The most popular being turning from demi god to god status. Most of this doesn't involve using the brain in any which way. Thus giving the message to children out there that any problem can be solved by punching it away. This most definitely won't lead to a violent generation of men. But smoking is totally fatal yo!

All this and I'm just being ~~god~~ human
Source: movietalkies.com

The more recent character arc which is unfortunately the coming of age saga where a boy(read: Ranbir Kapoor) starts his journey as a happy person and ends up being married and shit. Why can't the person show responsibility by paying his taxes or helping his Mom do the dishes or something?

Coming of age movie?
Source: One India wallpapers

Character arc - The Female

There are only two ways a female protagonist can evolve her character. One is the common nerd to fun loving type, aka, she let her hair down and took off her glasses female character arc.

Sources: Rediff.com and missmalini.com

Another is the Slut whore bitch to Indian woman metamorphosis. The Slut whore bitch creature would include characteristics like drinking, smoking, wearing clothes burnt by Gandhi and bringing attention to herself. The Indian woman would mostly stand in """traditional""" Indian wear(there aren't enough "s) while folding her hands over her crotch, you know, since the opposing team is about to take a free kick.

Now there's a shy Indian women dressed traditionally and conservatively (till nightfall)
Source: Hot actress photos (Apparently)

Where are your parents?

No seriously, where are they in most of these stories? Do you know how weird that would be in real life?

How I met your mother, but both if us don't exist
Source: Apne.tv

The actors

'Super' 'stars'

I'm tired of these mudda fuggin' stars in these mudda fuggin' movies! We get it, you're a big star, everyone loves you. You don't have to slyly refer to the fact in your movies. The fact that you still are making movies should be enough for someone sans inferiority complex.

So enough of the references towards older and more credible movies, hero shots, protracted intro shots, 100 feet tall bill boards and temples. You made money off of us, you made decent movies, you aren't a bad human being(well, some of you). Now go make headlines by having a spectacular death and being immortalized for the same.

At the end of the day, it's the fault of the 'fans' for injecting so much of self obsession into their 'idols'. Did you know that those rich people wouldn't look in your direction even if you threw yourself at them naked?

Ya ya, you love me, I'm awesome. Now talk to the hand
Source: wn.com

Younger roles

If Leo Dicaprio can't do it, then you probably shouldn't either. The term 'suspension of disbelief' is already proverbially stretched thin as it is. Please spare us of your delusional ego trip where you get surgery and you'll live for a couple of more decades or so.

Source: Imdb.com

The movie

Sequels and remakes

Remember back when trilogies were good? Me neither.
Source: The Indian Express archives

The ultimate evidence that we, as a country, are henceforth artistically bankrupt. That and the fact that we haven't put down Uday Chopra. It also proves that we've reached the pinnacle of going the safe way, ie, reusing tried and tested formula over and over again. But what do those discussions in those boardrooms go like?

"I got it! I have a fresh idea. We can make a movie about...pants!"

"Pants?"

"Everyone wears pants. It's topical!"

"You sure about this?"

"Nah, let's remake/make a sequel to Zanjeer."

"Right, borrow credibility when we have none."

Ripping off Hollywood

This happened? How desperate can you be fools?
Source: itimes.com

Despite all the criticism towards Hollywood and hatred towards the 'aping the west' concept, Bollywood seems to love the idea. When not making sequels and remakes of older, better Bollywood movies, producers now seem to think it's good idea to make unauthorized remakes of older better Hollywood movies.

At this point, we all know it's no longer about the creativity and originality as we get one of those types per year. By repeatedly feeding the audience dribble, it has become the standard, which, by any perspective, is currently cub par.

How's this for a fresh idea - If you don't have any idea as to what to make for your next movie, go home and not spend your money.

Can you think of anymore movie cliches floating around(or flowering up) these days. I'd like to make a video of these things.

BJP Manifesto: First draft

All image sources: Wikipedia for Modi, Indian Cow and Ayodhya.

Form a coalition Government to gain power. Blame allies for not keeping up most of the promises mentioned below.
Growth growth and more growth. How? Viagra, that's how.
We must rebuild Ram Temple in Ayodhya (It's not that this'll be the ultimate talking point)
We must nuke Chiang Mai as they claim the ruins in the location to be that of Ayuthayya. We all know there is only one Ayodhya.
Every history text book will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.
Every book will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.
Every license plate number will be replaced with verses from the Vedas.
Sex can only be performed for procreation.
Sex can only be performed in the missionary position.
There will be zero tolerance against terrorists and terrorism in general. That is all. No further details on the implementation of that statement.
Beef will be banned along with the state of Kerala, which'll henceforth be considered as a part of Pakistan.
Every household will raise a Cow and pray to the cow everyday. Cow can be purchased from the Government at subsidised rates.
Maintenance of the Cow will be the responsibility of the household.
Any property found without a Cow will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.
Any property found with the Cow deceased due to natural or unnatural causes will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.
Any property found with the owners having committed suicide due to the inability to bear the costs of a Cow will be considered a forfeit and the land will be given to Corporates for free in the name of progress.
English will be a banned language. All movies, books and logic in English will henceforth be considered hazardous for the country.
The word 'Secular' will be replaced with 'Homosexual'.
The inflation and other economic things can be solved by prayer and doing the same thing the Congress claims they'll do. Except they won't do it. And neither will we.
Every good thing will be a by product of Team Modi.
Every bad thing will be a by product of UPA.
Every random thing will be a by product of AK-49.
All sexual deviants must be removed from the nation so as to prevent un-Hinduisation. They will all be given tickets to leave the country, courtesy Malaysian Airlines.
All atheists will be sent to Saudi Arabia.
All Muslims ~~can go die~~ ~~will be ignored~~ ~~will be thrown a bone to chew on~~ will be personally hi-fied by Modi.
All puppies will be lined up and a road roller ran over them.
All those without a photo of Modi in their house, will be given a free Modi tattoo.
All Indian Muslims are to be traded with Pakistan Hindus by the end of the year. There are exceptions to this rule:

AR Rahman can stay as he has won an Oscar award. But awards from the US are useless to us. But since he won it eitherways...
APJ can stay since everyone likes him. Also, he follows the Vedas which makes him more of a Hindu.
Farhan Aktar can stay if he wins the Film Fair awards.

All citizens are urged to not question any of the above mandates, under threat of political isolation and fusion with Pakistan.
All citizens will be mandated to supply their iron, mud and bones for constructing the over sized statues of Freedom fighters approved by the party. Each monument will built at the capitals of the rebelling states.
Hindu hindu hindu growth growth? Growth growth Modi growth, Modi Modi. Modi Hindu Modi Modi. Modi!
MODI!

Ab ki bar, Modi Sarkar.

The syllabus of life

Birth: Commonly known as the number one cause of death. Once propelled to this existence, there is little that is comprehensible about it. The entire concept was not within your control and your ability to have any control of the life that follows depends on your ability to communicate, which is rather difficult since the concept of communication is one of the things that is incomprehensible. Through no fault of your own, you're already hated by a larger part of the population due to aspects you had absolutely no control over and can't change as long as you exist. One's best bet, if one were to survive this stage, is the intelligence level of those who spawned the person.

School: The show box demo program used to condition the participants into the ideal survivors in the real world whilst simulating none of the characteristics themselves. The conductors of this institution of mass hypnosis and conveyor belt factory are burdened with the task of removing any blemish from the unwilling products, whether they cause any damage or advantage. Authority is imposed, whether it remains corrupt or otherwise, in a manner such that the limitations of thought is enforced for the remainder of the existence. This stage will yield the perfect robot, one which looks and thinks like every other future cog in the machine based on narrow criteria laid out by those requiring cogs for their machines.

College: The glorified version of school where one needs to specialize on one's ability for the rest of one's life. While selecting a suitable curriculum is indeed a difficult task, it has to be done by someone who still hasn't grown into adulthood nor has any experience with the real world so as to take all that into thought. In most cases, most of the decisions are already laid out in the simple Yes or No format, with each answer creating a tangent from the decision maker's former life. Any and all knowledge acquired will hardly be used later in life. Every experience will shape the individual permanently.

Job: The end result of the pointless competition and yard stick measurements, is to obtain the ability to slowly kill one's brain cells over five days consecutively so that they can be killed off much faster over the course of the next two days in an assortment of ways. This stage brings death closer to the person, not due to the physical or mental damage imposed, but due to the warped perspective of time. The person now tries to survive nearly 70 percent of the their time so as to find solace in the remainder of the 30 percent of the time. On fear of the 30 percent time running out soon due to excessive rest periods and self indulgence, the overall time spent would seem lesser in hindsight while stretched out when happening. The stigma of obtaining a job that would benefit oneself rather than the machine can be dealt in outdated ideologies of success and procuring a life partner.

Marriage: Conveyed as the ultimate reason for one's existence so as to remove any remaining semblance of individuality due to new found responsibility and life style adjustments. Portrayed as the finish of the race the person has been running till this point of their lives, it can easily be made mandatory via threats of a sad and lonely existence to trivial back up plans of future ailments and difficulties. Unlike the previous institutions, this brain washing occurs in a more subtle and thus substantial manner. As before, the choices dealt, for someone who elects to invest in this scheme are once again limited to one's performances in the previous stages. The best bet is the intelligence level of those who spawned you, though they themselves are crippled in their freedom due to unknown reasons.

Children: If forced undergo the legal prostitution process, within time, one will have to indulge the voices of the machine into furthering the species. Once again, the brain washing occurs in a subtle manner whilst being portrayed as the ultimate stage of human development. This is the final stage to ensure complete and utter obedience to the system by removing all stains of individual radiance by shifting focus unto another, much more vulnerable life form. Once this stage is survived, including repeated progeny as per mass instruction, the individual will indeed gain the ultimate form of no longer being an individual, but rather an absolute part of the membrane that leverages on it's sheer size to as to ensconce all of the harsh reality by creating a prison state. As an added advantage, offspring are also the best retirement plans as the machine and the membrane, though omnipresent, are entirely unreliable and unconditionally selfish in their agenda.

Retirement: An otherwise uneventful point in one's life where the machine deems the person as no longer with the ability to self repair to as to keep it running. Continuing to survive till the last stage depends on the investments one made across all the previous stages with special weightage for the last few stages. The complete serenity and freedom which one has always wished for is finally obtained, although several years of mental conditioning has left one impaired to enjoy it.

Death: The best possible way to slowly peter out of existence without causing much ripples. The point where one is showered generously with praises and becomes accepted in the hearts and minds of all unanimously due to the irreversibility of the process. The ultimate acceptance which one always yearned for is finally achieved albeit at the cost of one's permanent absence from all festivities.

PS: This post is dedicated to you. That's right, YOU. If you've chanced upon this blog, then I'm safe to assume that you have a idea about the syllabus of life and have sometimes even made attempts to escape it. Here's wishing the both of us luck and the hope that in the meantime, I can at least entertain you. Cheers!