Rs.500
That’s not the monthly wage of the construction worker living
in that conveniently ignored slum near you or the denomination of the paper
that Chonia Gandhi uses to wipe her elegant eye-talian behind, that was the
rate of the tickets for Avial’s performance at Chennai on 6th
August, EARLY BIRD RATES! We were lucky enough to be able to contribute to the
economy by blocking a whole bunch of tickets at Rs.750 rather than pay that
extra Rs.35/ticket if we buy the tickets online(all the money incidentally,
WON’T go to orphans with diseases). Now I won’t mention which hotel in
Nungampakkam, Chennai charged us an obscene amount with no proper planning for
the event, but.....
Them assholes said we couldn’t get in without having shoes?
WTF! SHOES?! For a band from Kerala? We Malayalis will start wearing shoes as
part of our dress code when the rest of the world start eating Kerala cuisines
without complaining about the coconut oil. Yeah sure, part of club policy, we
don’t look as kewl as you management people, etcetera etcetera etcetera.
Despite all the “No dogs and chappal wearers allowed” attitude going on, we got
in without much of a problem.
Oh wait! I forgot to mention waiting in queue for our tickets
to get printed and arrive at the location....with about 200 other people....in
a passage way that’s 4 feet wide and 20 feet long....for about half an hour.
Doesn’t sound too difficult? Compared to what was about to follow, yes.
Once inside, we realised that our over priced entrance ticket
money was well spent on an average sized room with no AC, no ventilation,
pointless flood lights, even more pointless revolving stage lights, pathetic
sound equipment and local booze. Inside we noticed that they didn’t even let
Tony(vocals) get in with his usual shirtum-mundum combination outfit, even he
had to wear pants and shoes. Why not increase ticket rates to Rs.2000 and allow
entry for only those with suit and jacket and a silver spoon up the ass me
wondered. Maybe it was us, maybe it was the band or maybe it was the brain dead
bastard controlling the audio output, but Avial’s sound check just took TOO
FUCKIN’ LONG!
After the Avial cleared the area and the crowd started
becoming restless, Benny Dayal came on stage. They kept us all entertained,
expect one fine gentleman who wanted to show all the drunken characteristics of
the fathers that sired him.
Then began yet another half another wait while Avial were
doing…what ever it is they do for half an hour backstage while their audience
waited for them……without AC…without ventilation….with huge pointless lights in
our faces….and even more pointless moving lights spinning around near our
crotches.
When the audience finished singing all the Malayalam songs
composed since the time of Adam and Eve Menon, the band FINALLY, kullichu kuttappanmaar aayi powder okke itte
ethi (TRANSLATION : bath-taking-powder-wearing-good-boys FINALLY got on
stage).
Tony straight away started his weird-stoned-snake dance
routine in his usual outfit. First time I saw it, it was entertaining. After
the Aanakallan video, Tony just turned from a Malayali to a KOMALI, AHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA HA HA HAAA…. …..moving on.
Obviously they opened with Aanakallan. In the before, you
could get drunk from just listening to Avial songs. Aanakallan is special, if
you listen to it when drunk you sober up. It’s kind of like reading a religious
scripture when horny and getting turned off.
BUT! Aanakallan live was actually a good song, not an Avial
standard song, but a good song. Tony kept us entertained with his speech
impediment thing and shiny head. Rex (lead) was just being quiet as usual while
thinking in his mind “Heh! That’s mah
music you be appreciating bitches. Now bang those heads!”
In all honesty, the 1st Avial album was just
perfect and the old songs made us forget the heat, the sweat, the lack of
oxygen, lack of money or lack of proper organizing on behalf of our esteemed
hosts in the awesomeness that is their hotel.
Tony kutta! Aanakalla! We saw you not singing all the lines
of every song. Ah well, at least ‘Ayyo’ was written for you. Rehearse more da!
Even Rex was getting tired of your on stage stand up comedy.
Eventually, the heat and carbon dioxide got to the band as
well. Binny(bass) showed us mercy and sprinkled the water from his bottle onto
the crowd. Mithun(drums) who had totally burned out(twice) from his bad ass
drumming, walked to the front of the stage and poured the water over his head
as though saying “Yeah! I’m dying here too”. Suddenly, out of nowhere jumps out
DoucheMan™, defender of posh hotels and clubs. DoucheMan™ just got verbally
violent on Mithun for chilling out. DoucheMan™ doesn’t care that it was his
hotel that ripped off so many Avialheads and provided sub-standard service in
return, DoucheMan™ was the ass slave of the hotel empire and he’ll start
foaming in the mouth and barking like a rabid dog if one molecule of water touches his beloved hotels beloveder
equiptment. DoucheMan™ saved the day and may he rot in hell for that.
No matter how much we started to enjoy the Avial songs, we
were constantly swarmed by buzz kills like the equipment control guy (“Saar saar! Dan touch lightings.”) or the bar
mixers (“No coke saar! Soda vatter.”)
and even idiots in the crowd (“Dude! I
have no respect for Metallica, they’re
buncha whores”). But the greatest of them all was the sound mixer
mudda fugga(who will henceforth be referred to only as mudda fugga).
Tony : Can we have
more sound on vocals please?
Mudda fugga :
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Rex : (gestures more sound on his guitars)
Mudda fugga :
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Everyone : ……………..
Later,
Avial : Chaapa Kurish song>
Chick : Chaaaapaaaaa…….kurisheeeeeeeee……….
Tony : More sound on vocals
please
Mudda fugga : (
Everyone : ………………..
Even later,
Tony : Please turn off
the flood lights it’s too hot.
Flood lights : (OFF)
Tony : And rotate the
revolving lights upwards.
Revolving lights : (points upwards)
Avial : (Resume)
Flood lights : (ON)
Revolving lights : (revolve like hell)
Everyone : WTF!
Mudda fugga : (continues to masturbate)
Safe enough to say that we got tired of all this bullshit and got out before the damn thing ended
and missed Aadu pambe and Nada Nada. Ah well, choose a better place next time
Avial!