How to create the perfect Sci Fi movie

Direktor : So tell me your story, I have lotsa movies and moneys to make!

Person : Sure thing stereotypically greedy director. The title of the movie is....

Person : This story is set in 2150AD, a nice round year. Human society is very different from than what it is now.....as in.....different from what we see in sci fi movies now. People wore.......very.........futuristic.........thong bikinis!!!

Direktor : Thong biki..?

Person : You heard me! Humanity needed to keep itself cool from the catastrophe of global warming. That and fashion seems to be moving towards lesser clothes so it’s believable. Also, being such a wasteful civilization, there were no more natural fuels. We depended solemnly on Arudhathi Roy’s forever talking head to generate the infinite needs of man.............

Direktor : Wait. Wouldn’t global warming have melted.....

Person : I’m getting to that. For now, infinite energy from Roy’s talking head...on a stick. Using the technology of sound harvesting or something..... I forgot to check that stuff out on Wikipedia. Anyways, Global warming has sunk ALL of the continents except Australia for some reason. So everyone is in Australia wearing thong bikinis.

Person : Humanity now had so many awesome inventions like the zero calorie hamburger, the iPod© that fits on your eyelashes and you can change songs by just blinking and multipurpose condom which smells...

Direktor : OK! Enough setting, start the fuckin story!

Person : So we open with 6 friends – Judy, Michelle, Jacob, Robert, Sam and Carla. Judy has invented a time machine to go back in time to kill Hitler’s Parents and dog. Michelle started a theme park where through genetic engineering, they’ve resurrected extinct comedians like Robin Williams, Govinda and Sonia Gandhi. She calls it ‘Why-did-we-resurrect-such-moronic-comedy Park!’. Now Jacob, he’s a visionary. He invented the serum that no one knows what it does....since he hasn’t tested it. But it would be something truly awesome. Robert has the gift to foresight. He became a trillionaire by predicting the stock markets and by going to the parties where Abhishek Bachhan won’t be there. Sam had some other clichéd science fictiony kinda backstory to him also. Carla was just a bitch.

Direktor : Sounds like a complicated vaguely interesting story.

Person : One day, everything changes when they all meet and they all....SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND DIE!...ALL 5 of them!...Thus ending all possibilities of yet another sitcom.

Direktor : Weren’t there 6 people who were introduced to the audience in a chaotic manner?

Person : Yeah, Carla was killed by a truck. The driver hated her ‘cause she was a bitch. So going on to the introduction of our main character, a person who’s name isn’t generic, a person who’s name you won’t forget, a person who deserves a sentence with 4 commas just to be intro-ed. He was....COMMADER CHICKENSHIT! The Leader of the space ship – FAT BASTERD! And with it, he flew off to fight the alien menace.

Direktor : Wha? Space ship? Commander?

Person : Oh right! I forgot to tell you about the apocalypse. There was like, this apocalypse that totally ruined the earth, it was, THE GAY APOCALYPSE! The virus spread by affecting who ever tuned into the 2^nd season of Coffee with Karan.

Person : The virus wasn’t created by a scientist who wanted to play God, it was created by a scientist who was dared by his friends over the last slice of pizza. Once the virus had infested the minds of every person, their farts smelt like strayberry soufflé. Stage two of the infestation includes complimenting each other’s dressing sense. Skipping a few stages, finally everyone got really gay. Since gay people are clean and friendly, the world decided to destroy all it’s weapons of micro and mass destruction. Thus every nation was left defenceless but didn’t care since they were all being gay together. And that’s when, Commander Chickenshit flew off on his ship...the Fat Basterd...to fight the alien menace.

 

Direktor : Wha? Alien menace?

Person : Oh right! The aliens. There were these race of aliens. We discovered their planet when the gay captain of our gay space exploration ship used the gay navigation controller joystick for gay purposes and accidentally landed on their planet. Their planet was located in the star system. Now these aliens were WAY better looking than us humans like with more muscles and nipples and all, but they didn’t have advance technology. After finding out there was life on another planet, they wanted to conquer our race. Not for any specific reason, just because they were assholes. Also Pamela Anderson was the only human that was their same cup size and had the same number of nipples. But they didn’t have the technology, so they devised a plan where all the aliens jumped onto the back of the Black aliens and...

Direktor : W...w..w...wait! Black aliens? As in African American aliens?

Person : YEAH! What did you think? That the aliens were just one unified single culture race? Dude! That’s racist! That’s as racist as thinking the future has only Caucasian people with maybe one black/Japanese dude.

Direktor : Did it?

Person : NO! The human race was predominantly Chinese and Dravidian due to their large numbers even before global warming. Once the water levels rose, these two races knew how to swim well. 99% of the Americans drowned since they were obese. That’s where our hero comes in, Commander Chickenshit – an Indo-Chino-Irish midget with horns. And he also eats small children.

Direktor : Why did he have horns?

Person : ‘Cause his mom was a goat shepherd.

Direktor : Oh...............OOOHH!

Person : So yeah, Commander Chickenshit, fat basterd, alien menace. As I was saying, the aliens jumped onto the backs of the athletic black aliens and they jumped onto our planet. These aliens came with the ultimate death weapon, a wooden board! Unfortunately, humans had already destroyed all their weapons and gay people don’t fight very well. So the aliens enslaved humanity in about 17 minutes. But the aliens had one weakness, the music of Celine Dion.

Direktor : So humans defeat them with the simplest resource? End of story!

Person : No, Celine Dion was too gay even for gay people, so they had destroyed it along with the weapons of mass destruction. But they had to go to plan B. Send a space ship with the Commander and his crew to the alien planet and make them gay also. Then have a huge inter galactic gay orgy. So we had the line up – Commander Chickenshit, Lt. Female Character, Jeff the mentally retarded ninja and a dung beetle. Lt. Female was a blonde without an hour glass figure, flat chested and didn’t have make up that stayed on even in space. So they set off to the alien planet of . On the way, Jeff opened the hatch and got sucked out into space. Rather than just floating away, he pretty realistically blew up into a bloody mess in the vacuum of space. Then they’re attacked by the evil alien warlord – CHIEF ASAFAHOOJI!

Direktor : How can he attack a space ship? Didn’t the aliens not have any technology?

Person : Ya...but the chief...hid...behind the time machine on the space ship and picked the right moment to attack, right when Commander was on the toilet! By the way, the time machine part is foreshadowing.

Direktor : Lovely.

Person : So they all fight using the alien technology of wooden sticks. But Chief Asafahooji had the most advanced computer from their planet. With it he squashed the dung beetle. Commander had no choice but to throw Lt. Female at the Chief and run like crazy into the time machine. So he hid in the time machine and what happened next wasn’t clichéd or predictable at all, he was sent back in time to the exact point in the past where he could alter the future and solve the problem that was plaguing his time line. So everything started to get black and white and grainy in the year 2012.

Direktor : WAIT! In 2012, they had color. We even have color now, and it’s only 2010.

Person : That’s because....everything in 2150 looked way more....awesome and colourful.....as when compared to 2010....since....gay people.....had...SUPER VISION! Yeah! Super vision. They obtained that vision through evolution, since they needed good vision to spot another gay in a huge crowd.

Person : So as I was saying, The Commander landed in grainy black and white 2012, just a few hours before the gay apocalypse. He figured out that if they gay apocalypse hadn’t taken place, people will still have weapons and would be able to fight off the aliens rather than run away like sissies.

Direktor : Look, I don’t have much time...

Person : Patience! So he started off to find the origin, but first he went to a male strip bar. Then he hooked up with a couple of gay dudes like David Beckam, Dick Cheney, that guy from the WWE and all Sony digicams. Then he started off to find the origin, and found it. The twist is, it wasn’t a scientist and it wasn’t a virus. It was simply by watching Koffee with Karan that everyone turned gay. But in order to stop the telecast, he had to defeat...THE MEGA BRAIN COMPUTER!

Direktor : Where did that come from?

Person : The CIA had used it to keep track of everyone on the planet and were too lazy to do it themselves since they are Americans. So The Commander figured out that by reversing the polarity scale of the vector differential to the magnum Genghis Khan, he could destroy the Mega Brain, so he spilt coffee on the keyboard. The Computer started emitting sparks and then exploded, since that how a normal talking computer would react to spilling liquids on the keyboard. So now the world free from the Gay Apocalypse, he somehow returned back to his time only to realise nothing has changed.

Direktor : How can nothing change? He just reversed the gay Apocalypse.

Person : Yeah well, going back in time and changing the past only creates another time line unless your want to explain the Grandfather’s Paradox. So in the alternate time line he created, humans destroyed the planet with World War 3. In his current time line, nothing much has changed. So he had no choice but to destroy Chief Asafahooji with the aliens’ second biggest weakness – SODOMY! So he killed the chief and since all aliens give up once their leader is destroyed rather than filling up the power void, humans lived gaily ever after. THE END! On yeah, and he went on to eat many small children.

Direktor : What happened to Lt. Female Character?

Person : Oh she tried to fight the Chief while the Commander was time travelling. In order to gain the upper hand, she jumped into a tank of nuclear waste to get mutant super powers. Sadly she got cancer and died few months later.

Direktor : That is the worst story I’ve ever heard, and further more...what’s that smell?

Person : Oh, I’m sorry, I farted. Please excuse...

Direktor : No it’s alright, it smells like...Strayberry soufflé.

Person : Why thank you. You know since you were being such a jerk I didn’t notice what a nice shirt you got on.

Direktor : Oh wow! This is my favourite shirt. Thankyousomuch! Wanna make out?

Person : Sure!