Ophiuchus, the 13th Zodiac sign everyone hates

BREAKING NEWS : There is now a 13th sign in the Zodia. That’s right! Ophi-phe-phu....um, Ophe-ou-chus? Is that how it’s spelt? Ophyu....OH! Ophiuchus. Now I got it. So Ophiuchus, the serpent bearer, is now the 13th sign in the zodiac. Here’s an image of the constellation getting dooowwwwn.



Baffled idiots are confused at these turn of events.

Said Baffled idiot


Thank you Baffled idiot. We now go around the world gathering stories about peoples’ reaction to the new zodiac sign, since they don’t seem to have any good opinions about global warming, the Taliban regime and the recent onion prices.

Bobby Jo the Redneck had this to say
I dun care bout em crazy stars mumbo jumbo. As faaares I know, GOOOOD created everythaang. GOOOOD created em stars, and em ass-tro-mo-lorgy. GOOOOOD created sci-yence. GOOOOOD created dat child in ma 14 year old daughter’s tummy, nut me or ma systematic incestuous rapes, but GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD! And by GOOOD, we shore ain gunna abort dat dere child, no wai! 

A ditzy girl said
I used to be a Cancerian, and now I’m a Gemini. Like, can you believe it? I am so totally a Cancerian. The zodiac says that cancerians are supposed to be sentimental spineless weaklings. That is SO me! Gemini is just like, ewwwwwwww! I can’t believe they did this to me, it’s like some huge inconsequential bullshit totally ruined my life! HMPH!

Dog on street quoted
Woof woof! Arf! ........(chews ass).......... WOOF! ...........(continues to chew ass).......

A 1 billion year old frozen single cell organism was heard saying
Man! The zodiac has become all commercial now. I mean, Scorpio this and Taurus that. You know back in my day, there used to be only one zodiac sign. That was cool, being one unified race. I had a bad feeling when they brought in the second zodiac sign. But I was up for change. Now I knew I should’ve gone with my gut feeling. Of course I got no guts, being a single celled et al.

Dude with zodiac tattoo said
Dude! I had my sun sign tattooed on my butt cheek and it was so #EPIC. Now my temporary insanity which scarred my ass permanently, was like, a total #FAIL. I used to be known as ‘Dude with zodiac tattoo’, but now I’ll be known as ‘Dude with wrong zodiac tattoo’. Game over man! I can’t change my body to please the establishment. I’m just gonna go kill myself.

The Prince of Darkness himself had a comment
Oh yeah baby! I was waiting for this day for all eternity. The 13th symbol is the 3rd and final sign for my arrival upon the mortal world where I shall rule for a thousand years. In case you're wondering, the first two signs was the recent war started by Bush and Rakhi Sawanth getting her own show. So yeah! In yo omnipotent face god. That's right, I get to say god without a capital G. How cool am I? Come to think of it, a reign for a thousand years isn't all that long when you live forever. What a waste of time, and I have to get my clothes ready if I'm going out and....you know what, screw the reign. Y'all will blow each other to bits with World War 3 anyways. That's right, the recent Korea v/s Korea thing will turn into WW3. Bet you didn't see that coming? Huh losers?! I RULE! Sorta.

 
The author of this rant also had something to say
There’s a new zodiac? Can they even do that? I mean, who’s the zodiac decision committee? There are only a million constellations out there so why not just keep adding till we have a different sign for every hour of everyday of the year. HA! Now that would keep those con artists we call astrologers busy! I mean, who cares for this crap anyways, besides a vast majority of humanity. I don’t believe it. And I can’t believe I’m quoting myself. That’s kinda cool you know. Echo....echo......echo...........echo. Awesome! I can do an echo and everything. But in all seriousness folks, I had just gotten used to being two fish in the 69 position and now I realise I’m a water bearer. I’ve always felt like a water bearer all my life. It’s like life is suddenly looking up for.....no I can’t do it. Bullshitting about this is too hard. I mean, a middle aged muscular half naked man with a huge snake between his legs, that’s, I dunno, suggestive at the very least, and the topic of several upcoming internet/twitter jokes at the very best. I wish those born to this star all the best in handling their identity crisis. I also wish the very best to those idiots who are going around petitioning for the zodiacs thingy to not change, idiots! By the way, the guy with tattoo really did kill himself.

2 comments:

  1. This is bullshit. :)
    I was born a SCORPIO, I'll die a SCORPIO.
    See? I still have that stubborness of a SCORPIO.
    That f*****g snake can kiss my ass goodbye!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was born a Virgo, but I turned into a Leo
    BULLSHIT
    I was born a Virgo, imma die the same way
    #VIRGO4LYFE

    ReplyDelete

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