Epic rap battles of India : Anna Hazara v/s Arundhati Roy

Inspired from Epic rap battles of history from youtube

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF INDIA!

ANNA HAZARE:

I'm THE Anna Hazare!

Saint of justice and honesty.

You're just a raving sociopath,

I represent civil society!

What?

You think you're an intellectual

with your awesome Booker prize?

HA!

Your literature was merely

incest pornography in disguise.

You shout "Politicians and Corporates

and the Indian Army suck!"

Well how about a solution

to get this country's gears unstuck?

I may not be perfect,

But I've earned the nation's respect

So pick up a flag,

you insufferable hag

or continue to be opinion columns reject                                                                                                     

ARUNDHATI ROY:

There's nothing civil bout your society or your fast old man

You're just making more noise than anyone else can.

So you think that you're Gandhi

just 'coz they arrested you?

That's only our dumb Government,

they never have a clue.

Your publicity is a joke

and so are your rallies.

Your so called supporters

are just fugitives from silicon valleys!

I'm the Goddess of small things,

supporting Maoists and the common man.

What can you do for them

with your elaborate dietary plan?

ANNA HAZARE:

You ignorant fool!

I AM a common man.

I live in a village

and survive on my pension plan.

But I've united this nation,

Only Sachin could do a better job.

So stop talking outta your head,

and writing like sucha snob.

ARUNDHATI ROY:

Your movement is useless,

it just brings out posers.

Why, look at Baba Ramdev,

and his yoga loving losers.

Once your draconian bill is passed,

your 15 minutes will be done.

Then the citizens will say,

"Check out our new country, just like the old one"

ANNA HAZARE:

Can I make EVERYONE happy?

No, I'm not Santa Claus!

But I can improve the scene,

by tackling the root cause.

India should be ONE NATION.

So screw your conspiracy theories and you.

You just whine about 7 issues

from the 5 places you've been to!

Can corruption be fully eradicated?

Nope! In India corners will be cut.

So do us all a favour

and please keep that mouth CLOSED!

WHO WON?

WHO'S BEST?

YOU DECIDE!

 

Avial @ Chennai August 6th

Rs.500

That’s not the monthly wage of the construction worker living in that conveniently ignored slum near you or the denomination of the paper that Chonia Gandhi uses to wipe her elegant eye-talian behind, that was the rate of the tickets for Avial’s performance at Chennai on 6^th August, EARLY BIRD RATES! We were lucky enough to be able to contribute to the economy by blocking a whole bunch of tickets at Rs.750 rather than pay that extra Rs.35/ticket if we buy the tickets online(all the money incidentally, WON’T go to orphans with diseases). Now I won’t mention which hotel in Nungampakkam, Chennai charged us an obscene amount with no proper planning for the event, but.....

Them assholes said we couldn’t get in without having shoes? WTF! SHOES?! For a band from Kerala? We Malayalis will start wearing shoes as part of our dress code when the rest of the world start eating Kerala cuisines without complaining about the coconut oil. Yeah sure, part of club policy, we don’t look as kewl as you management people, etcetera etcetera etcetera. Despite all the “No dogs and chappal wearers allowed” attitude going on, we got in without much of a problem.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention waiting in queue for our tickets to get printed and arrive at the location....with about 200 other people....in a passage way that’s 4 feet wide and 20 feet long....for about half an hour. Doesn’t sound too difficult? Compared to what was about to follow, yes.

Once inside, we realised that our over priced entrance ticket money was well spent on an average sized room with no AC, no ventilation, pointless flood lights, even more pointless revolving stage lights, pathetic sound equipment and local booze. Inside we noticed that they didn’t even let Tony(vocals) get in with his usual shirtum-mundum combination outfit, even he had to wear pants and shoes. Why not increase ticket rates to Rs.2000 and allow entry for only those with suit and jacket and a silver spoon up the ass me wondered. Maybe it was us, maybe it was the band or maybe it was the brain dead bastard controlling the audio output, but Avial’s sound check just took TOO FUCKIN’ LONG!

After the Avial cleared the area and the crowd started becoming restless, Benny Dayal came on stage. They kept us all entertained, expect one fine gentleman who wanted to show all the drunken characteristics of the fathers that sired him.

Then began yet another half another wait while Avial were doing…what ever it is they do for half an hour backstage while their audience waited for them……without AC…without ventilation….with huge pointless lights in our faces….and even more pointless moving lights spinning around near our crotches.

When the audience finished singing all the Malayalam songs composed since the time of Adam and Eve Menon, the band FINALLY, kullichu kuttappanmaar aayi powder okke itte ethi (TRANSLATION : bath-taking-powder-wearing-good-boys FINALLY got on stage).

Tony straight away started his weird-stoned-snake dance routine in his usual outfit. First time I saw it, it was entertaining. After the Aanakallan video, Tony just turned from a Malayali to a KOMALI, AHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HA HA HAAA…. …..moving on.

Obviously they opened with Aanakallan. In the before, you could get drunk from just listening to Avial songs. Aanakallan is special, if you listen to it when drunk you sober up. It’s kind of like reading a religious scripture when horny and getting turned off.

BUT! Aanakallan live was actually a good song, not an Avial standard song, but a good song. Tony kept us entertained with his speech impediment thing and shiny head. Rex (lead) was just being quiet as usual while thinking in his mind “Heh! That’s mah music you be appreciating bitches. Now bang those heads!”

In all honesty, the 1^st Avial album was just perfect and the old songs made us forget the heat, the sweat, the lack of oxygen, lack of money or lack of proper organizing on behalf of our esteemed hosts in the awesomeness that is their hotel.

Tony kutta! Aanakalla! We saw you not singing all the lines of every song. Ah well, at least ‘Ayyo’ was written for you. Rehearse more da! Even Rex was getting tired of your on stage stand up comedy.

Eventually, the heat and carbon dioxide got to the band as well. Binny(bass) showed us mercy and sprinkled the water from his bottle onto the crowd. Mithun(drums) who had totally burned out(twice) from his bad ass drumming, walked to the front of the stage and poured the water over his head as though saying “Yeah! I’m dying here too”. Suddenly, out of nowhere jumps out DoucheMan™, defender of posh hotels and clubs. DoucheMan™ just got verbally violent on Mithun for chilling out. DoucheMan™ doesn’t care that it was his hotel that ripped off so many Avialheads and provided sub-standard service in return, DoucheMan™ was the ass slave of the hotel empire and he’ll start foaming in the mouth and barking like a rabid dog if one molecule  of water touches his beloved hotels beloveder equiptment. DoucheMan™ saved the day and may he rot in hell for that.

No matter how much we started to enjoy the Avial songs, we were constantly swarmed by buzz kills like the equipment control guy (“Saar saar! Dan touch lightings.”) or the bar mixers (“No coke saar! Soda vatter.”) and even idiots in the crowd (“Dude! I have no respect for Metallica, they’re  buncha whores”). But the greatest of them all was the sound mixer mudda fugga(who will henceforth be referred to only as mudda fugga).

Tony : Can we have more sound on vocals please?

Mudda fugga : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rex : (gestures more sound on his guitars)

Mudda fugga : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Everyone : ……………..

Later,

Avial : Chaapa Kurish song>

Chick  : Chaaaapaaaaa…….kurisheeeeeeeee……….

Tony : More sound on vocals please

Mudda fugga : (gives Tony the middle finger)

Everyone : ………………..

Even later,

Tony : Please turn off the flood lights it’s too hot.

Flood lights : (OFF)

Tony : And rotate the revolving lights upwards.

Revolving lights : (points upwards)

Avial : (Resume)

Flood lights : (ON)

Revolving lights : (revolve like hell)

Everyone : WTF!

Mudda fugga : (continues to masturbate)

Safe enough to say that we got tired of all this bullshit and got out before the damn thing ended and missed Aadu pambe and Nada Nada. Ah well, choose a better place next time Avial!

The awesomeness of Ong Bak 3

Stuck in Trissur, waiting for our bus back to Bangalore, we decided to pass time by watching whatever movie was playing wherever. We arrived at the famous Raagam theatre which was showing Tony Jaa’s Ong Bak 3. This was preceded by half an hour of auto guys refusing to even stop for us since we didn’t walk, talk or look like locals. Bleddy racists!

Don’t misunderstand the word theatre for the word multiplex. This was your typical laacal theatre where the place smells like 5rs packet pop corn and you couldn’t book tickets from the comfort of your own home. And how much did the tickets cost?

Taz rite mudda fuggas! And no, you high maintenance bitches, the place wasn’t infested with rats, rapists and the stereotypical assassination-in-the-dark-gang-wars. But it wasn’t infested with Gucci, Versace or Lacoste either (originals anyways).

As for the movie, well, critics praise it for the action/buffoonery but criticize the (lack of) story. Oh right, it was also dubbed, badly, as in #EPIC #FAIL stereotypical mallu accent dubbing. Dialogues include:-

Visual : Heroine being dragged away by bad guys.

Audio : No no....late me go no....no no....say-ww me no....HELLLLLL-P!

Visual : Bad guys beating villagers and elephants with sticks for no apparent reason.

Audio : But! The new king rooled the king dum with even more wickedness and deceit.

Visual : Good guy’s final confrontation with main bad guy.

Audio : You CAN’T killll ye LE-GENT!

Visual : Bad guy ready to throw a spear at the good guy.

Audio : Now get reddy....to go....to the king dum of the DEH’DD!

Now since I have nothing much to do, I shall explain the story SCENE BY SCENE, which is the sequel to Ong Bak 2 and the prequel to Ong Bak or some shit like that. SPOILER ALERT!

1.      Flashback about some evil king.

2.      Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using his chains.

3.      Some noisy shit about some evil king.

4.      Bad guy does stuff(excludes acting well).

5.      Some noisy shit about some evil king with CGI.

6.      Heroine performs weird bendy Thai dance for Tony Jaa.

7.      Audience falls asleep.

8.      Flashback about some evil king.

9.      Tony Jaa trains and puts on fake beard.

10.  Some noisy shit about some evil king.

11.  Intermission.

12.  Audience wakes up and consider leaving.

13.  Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using his bare hands.

14.  Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using a stick.

15.  MOST AWESOME SCENE : Bad guy gets cursed by head of person he just decapitated.

16.  Bad guy kills heroine.

17.  Tony Jaa fights a lot of guys using elephants and huge statues.

18.  Bad guy kills Tony Jaa.

19.  Tony Jaa rewinds to before scene 15 magically. (Seriously, he does!)

20.  Tony Jaa kills bad guy.

21.  CREDITS : Directed, Produced, Written, Starring, Choreographed by Tony Jaa.

22.  Audience leave theatre wondering what just transpired.

I was actually left with one question : How does one rule a kindgom with wickedness and deceit? I get the wickedness part, you can just be an asshole and rule a kingdom. But deceit? Does one trick people into stuff for the kingdom which wasn’t their task or something?

“You! Servant! Go polish my shit stained shoes with your tongue, as I RULE this kingdom with wickedness!”

Servant leaves to salivate.

“Actually, someone had already polished my shit stained shoes. LOL! I also rule this kingdom with deceit.”

This is the only trailer I could find with all the crap I was talking about as well as bad sub titles.

My exit interview (this was my ACTUAL goodbye mail)

< BCC Unintentional, I wanted to put it under 'To' but kept the wrong text bar>

So let us start with something generic about your last 2.5 years.
My last 2 years 6 months and 24 days has been a journey of immense experience and intellect and blah blah blah. Seriously, I can’t do this bullcrap.

Ok, so how did you join this company?
They came and scooped up most of us and threw us in a truck. Reminded me of the alien invasion movies where the aliens needed to harvest the humans’ brain.

Tell us something about your training in Mysore.
No!

PLEASE tell us something about your training in Mysore.
That’s better. Mysore DC is an awesome place. They have all the best facilities and expect you not to use it. Only the Phunshuk Wangdu-esque people both scored well and had fun, bless their souls to burn in hell. The rest of us either had the time of our lives, or was stuck in that 3 letter mega structure working hard and studying something which they won’t later use in our randomly allotted projects.

So you are saying that the training provided was not optimized.
No, I’m saying that our training made us ready to face any challenge throw at us by the outside world. I mean, just yesterday, a guy desperately asked me for directions in JSP format to get to the hospital. My main stream was Mainframes but I was also trained in Java. So I was able to help him out at his time of need. Even though I haven’t touched Java EVER in my company, my training saved a life in the real world and for that I feel like a God.

Did you say Mainframes?
No, I said many more things, weren’t you listening?

I meant, are you proficient in Mainframes?
If by proficient you mean almost got kicked out of training(multiple times) since I couldn’t get what those hieroglyphics on black screen meant, then yeah, VERY proficient.

I’m guessing you liked Mainframes.
Totally, I liked it so much that I thought of writing the main exam twice.

How happy were you when you got posted.
As happy as an H1N1 virus when it finds a moist warm host during the winter months.

Really?
Nope. But at least my friends were around in the same location. I mean, it’s not like they just randomly throw everyone to every other location into some department randomly, not considering what they were trained in. I’m sure they take into account what we are good at or where we might NOT want to be posted and how friendship might be the only thing that’ll keep us alive through the upcoming hell.

So how good is your location?
The city, as always, is the heights of awesomeness. Then the sub urban areas around the city are nice. The outskirts of the city are ok I guess. If we survive the nuclear test sites and deep jungles, we will get to enjoy our office located in the middle of nowhere(read : very cheap land).

Did the location help increase productivity?
Definitely! You need to travel a couple of light years to get there. Once there and you find out you have little or no work for the day, you’d be too dead to go anywhere else and just sit there chilling in the AC. So the office looks full at all times. Aesthetic productivity, you see.

Even otherwise were you being productive?
I don’t like to kid around, so yeah, I’m a bad employee. I do my work at my pace and don’t care. I don’t proactively open my mouth for them to insert next task and/or excretory organ. I don’t take enough initiatives to gain domain knowledge as it is boring as hell. I do not feel like reporting each and every trivial matter to my superiors so that I can make them and myself feel important. I do however have excellent communication skills which are of absolutely no use to anyone.

Were you at least available all the time ready for work?
Mostly I’d sit around reading Wikipedia, but I was informed as to how much of a terror threat that would be. I agree, since all that excess of information will make our brain cells active again thus hindering the process of obediently listening to mundane instructions. Now I just sit in my cubicle eagerly waiting for work. If I get bored I’ll maximise and minimize the window and try to get my fastest timings.

So your relation with your superiors are….?
More awesome than my family. They make sure that every small effort I take is ignored, even if I just mention it to them directly. Thankfully, all my errors, repeated or individual, are noted and mentioned to me at every turn of my wonderful life.

We’re running out of time here. Is there anyone you wanna thank before leaving?
I’d like to thank my family for supporting my decision to unplug from this system. I’d like to thank God, and the Devil also, since without him God would just get bored from not having any rival.

Any shameless self-advertisement?
Keep checking my blog : venaied.blogspot.com

Make fun of my photos : attemptsatphotography.blogspot.com
Promote my webcomic : www.yourangsthere.com

My number remains unchanged but my last cell drowned, so I don’t have all your number. Feel free to pull pranks on me since I most prolly don’t have your number.

Last few words?
Drink lots of water, listen to your parents at times, have a great CLIFE and fuck you all!

Sex and the City 2 aftermath

Yesterday I watched Sex and the city 2 completely as part of a dare. WORST.150.MINUTES.EVER!

A movie of such caliber can't be directed, it can only be congealed in some toxic waste dump of bullshit and designer wear. They should change the name of the show to 'Shallow Bitches'.
Following in the footsteps of Sahil(aka The Vigil Idiot), I compiled a list of things which I did recently that are LESS gay than watching that travesty, so as to make myself feel better. So here's Venai's list of things that are...


Things that are less gay than watching Shallow Bitches 2
10. Watching gay porn for 3 seconds out of morbid curiosity(lame excuse, I know).
9 . Letting cousin sisters put make up on my face, inclusive of listick.
8 . Watching a movie with Shahid Kapoor in it, other than 'Kaminey'.
7 . Thinking about marriage while still being single.
6 . Discussing the 'No idea get idea' commercial with another living being.
5 . Sighing.
4 . Using the L word to someone who's drunk, while being drunk.
3 . Saying "cho chweet" sarcastically(also lame excuse).
2 . Any activity involving Rindo Ramankutty.
1 . Sleeping on a couch with 2 other guys...
...with only one pillow
...in the afternoon
...while NOT drunk!