Tania’s Tale

Tania : Why isn't anyone paying attention to me? I'm Tania Mirchi goddam it!
Manager : Maybe your should focus less on that and more on your tennis career.
Tania : Screw tennis! I was once THE queen of Indian sports, the media wanted me, my fans kneeled before me, my dog....
Manager : You do realise that was quiet some time ago <picks up dusty newspaper>
Newspaper : Tania currently ranked 27th in the world...in other news, Hitler said his first words today : "Damn Juice".

<FLASHBACK SEQUENCE : Tania's career>

Manager : What? Where did this flashback sequence come from?
Tania : Too complicated for you? Idiot! Just shut up and narrate the story or something.
Manager : Contradictory, but OK. It all started way back in 2003...

Way back in 2003...
Tennis fan 1 : Dude! Did you hear about the Indian chick that ruled in the Wimbledon Girl's doubles?
Tennis fan 2 : Yeah maaaaaan! We should totally start excessively praising her and give her unwanted media exposure that'll side track her promising budding career.
Tennis fan 1 : That's just what I was thinking. You know what else we should do? We should get a really sexy poster of hers and stick it in our room.
Tennis fan 2 : No way man! Last time I stuck a Pamela Anderson poster in my room, my house sued me.
Tennis fan 1 : Your house sued you?
Tennis fan 2 : Yeah, I accidentally and unknowingly got my wall pregnant.
Tennis fan 1 : Ooo....kaaaaay! I'm gonna go with compiling revealing and raunchy photos of her and mail it to other horny guys.
Tennis fan 2 : Uhhh.....isn't that like, materialising women?
Tennis fan 1 : Well said for a wall rapist!
Pregnant Wall : I thought you LOVED me you b******! Men are all the same. <spits>

Fortunately and unfortunately by 2005...
Tania in 2005 : Hey everyone, don't let my tight jeans and figure hugging top distract you from the Sprite bottle I'm holding in my hand. Drink Sprite! <pose>
Men in India : I'm confused! Her hand or her chest? What should I look at? THIS IS TOO HARD!....Pun intended you naughty reader!
Women in India : WHOA! If I drink that, I'll look like that as well.
Tennis fan 1 : Dude! Tania Mirchi is da bomb! Only Serene Williams could stop her in the Australian open!
Tennis fan 2 : I just can't believe we've been talking about the same thing since 2003. Hey look! I just gotta photo in the mail where you can see her nippl....
Moral police wanna be : Did someone say the N-word?
Tennis fan 2 : GAAAAAAH! WTF!
African American dude : YO! Yo bettah watch it maaaaan!
Moral police wanna be: That talented person, Tania should stop playing. She dresses indecently!
Tennis fan 1 : WTF MAN! What's your problem?
Moral police wanna be : My wife divorced me for calling out her name when we were....uh! I mean...screw you unholy supporter! Tania's clothing is an insult to our culture and ruins our kids' minds. Either that or something religious, I'm not very sure.
Tennis fan 2 : It's 2005, there's cheap affordable internet to provide free porn to every kid.
Moral police wanna be : Tania quit India!

But by 2007...
Tennis fan 1 : I wonder if someone is intentionally forwarding us by 2 years at a time in this flash back.
Tennis fan 2 : Screw that dude! Tania is world rank 27! That's like the awesomest-est Indian girl in Tennis!
Moral police wanna be : She's still a corrupting influence on the youth. Ban her! Exile her! Beat her up in the name of culture!
Tennis fan 1 : That is so barbaric dude!
Saffron baldy : That gave me an idea! <takes down notes>
Tania of 2007 : Stop! Why are all of you bothered about what I wear? Instead focus on what's important, what I'm doing for my country. I love my country and tennis and I will forever be trying my best in both!
Tennis fan 1 : Tania ki jai!
Tennis fan 2 : Didn't make all that sense but I guess that speech is enough in bollywood when they make a movie about her later on.
Moral police wanna be : That touches me so deeply. Since we're not an annoyingly conservative country who over react to anything deviating from our out dated convention, we shall let you play.
Tania in 2007 : Thanks you guys! Don't forget to drink Sprite!

Unspecified amount of time later...
Tennis fan 1 : What? No forwarding by 2 years this time?
Tennis fan 2 : Dude! Tania has had a wrist injury...AGAIN!
Tennis fan 1 : Goodbye Olympic tennis medals.
Ramesh Phupathi : I feel insulted!
Meander Pace : OI! Just because we don't do no commercials don't mean we're no good!
Tennis fan 2 : Yeah yeah glory of the past! What was that? A triple negative?
Tennis fan 1 : What happened Tania?
Tania of unspecified year : I dunno! I guess I needed the extra unwanted attention to get me to perform better. How about it dude with long name? Care to needlessly insult me on something unrelated to my sport?
Ex-Moral Police wanna be : I have evolved! I shall only judge you by how you play. And baby, you steenk now!
Manager : I guess that about wraps up this flashback.
Ex-Moral Police wanna be : Who the hell are you?
Manager : I'm the narrator of this flashback sequence. Anyways, goodbye Tennis fan 1 and 2, it was nice having you in different timelines.


Tania : What where we talking about before that bloody flashback? I forget!
Manager : <sigh> Why don't you scroll up and check it.
Tania : Oh right! Attention seeking. Hmmmmm...I know! The trend these days is getting married. Sucky Sawant almost did it, that Reality show guy Rahul did it. Maybe that's what I need to get back into the spot light!
Manager : How about practicing your famous forehand ground strokes and kicking some firangi ass huh? That'll get you back into the spot light in the world of sports.
Tania : Shut up! What do you know? I'm the star and you're just my butler. Now bring me some random good looking guy!

Sometime later....
Tania : What is this thing?
Manager : It's the random good looking guy you ordered madam.
Tania : Get him away from me! He's drooling all over the place.
Drooler : Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaa........Taaaaaaaniaaaaaaaaaa......wooooooooww.....
Manager : Every extra letter there was a drop of saliva.
Tania : OK! Listen up! You're my...ummm....Childhood friend! Yeah! That sounds cute enough. And we're suddenly engaged. OK!
Drooler Fiancé : Whaaaaat evveeeeer yooooouuuu saaaaaaaaaay.....Taaaaaaaa niaaaaaa!
Manager : <mops up the place>
Tania : Hey every one! I'm getting married to this previously unknown guy. Envy him!
Software engineer : OMG! Must....forward....this....info....before.....dying....from.....
grief.......BLAH! <drops dead>
Tania : He he! My genocide has begun!

Few days later....
Manager : The total death count after you announced your engagement.
Tania : What? That's it! This is like just 20% of the male population! I wanted ALL of them to suicide, even the homos.
Manager : I'm working 555 minutes a day to spread the propaganda Boss.
Tania : Well you suck at it Dude!
Manger : Look! It's not like you're the only person on the news.
Tania : Yes yes, I know. Damn those Somalian pirates.
Manager : How about we get rid of the marriage plan, kill the drooler, dump his body and get back to Tennis huh?
Tania : We shall do all that, except the last part. But what reason should we give for breaking off the wedding?
Manager : I dunno! Something like 'incompatibility' sounds vague enough. Now let me get my big ass shot gun and take care of the drooler.
Tania : Hey everyone! I'm NOT getting married.
Software engineer in hell : OMG! They don't serve coffee here!
Tania : Guys! I said I'm not getting married.
Indians : Huh?....uh....good for you...I guess.
Tania : DAMMIT! How could they ignore my publicity stunt like this? Looks like I need to do something more...AHA! I got it! <picks up phone> Get me the Pakistan Cricket Team.
Phone : We don't work on the operator system anymore you stupid b****! Dial the damn number.

Few hours later....
Manager : That was messy to get rid of, with all the blood and drool. Thank god that's over. That was the stupidest thing she's ever done.
Tania : Hey everyone! I'm getting married to Former Pakistan Captain, Show-off Maalik!
Manager : I stand corrected.
Tania : You might remember Show-off Maalik from this flashback sequence.

<Another FLASHBACK SEQUENCE : Show-off Maalik's career>

Show-off : Hey! Check it out! I'm like an all rounder and the Captain of my team.
Everyone(bored) : Yaaaaay!
Show-off : I'm gonna get an elbow surgery to correct my suspected bowling action. Isn't that awesome.
Show-off : I'm also gonna play in the inaugural T-20 World Cup finals against our mortal enemy and lose.
Everyone(still bored) : Yaaaaay!
Show-off : Now I shall single out people of my religion and acknowledge ONLY them in an effort to get people to listen to me.
Everyone : Yaa...whoa! Whoa! WHOA!.....WTF!!
Show-off : <cheesy grin>


Manager : What's wrong with you?
Tania : Ain't it cool? Now people will be like "Is she supporting her country or her husband's". I'll be in the news and photos every time there's a hyped up India vs Pakistan Match. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone(still bored) : Yaaaaay!
Tania : WTF! How come they're not paying attention to me?
TV : Watch the IPL V 3.0. Now with MORE COMMERCIALS! Watch now or die a lonely death.
Everyone : Must watch IPL! Must watch IPL! Must watch IPL! Must watch IPL!
Tania : ******** ********* **** ******* Cricketainment! This calls for drastic measures.
Chetan Bugger : I already started on the book my dear.
Tania : Maybe not that drastic.

Few days later...
Show-off : Welcome everyone to this press conference. I'm here to officially make a statement on that fat cow who claims she's married to me. I'd like to make it clear that I'm not fed these lines through a wireless Bluetooth headset by my would be. <cheesy grin>
Tania : <slaps head>
Show-off : Well, it's true that I was married to the fat cow through telephone. Yeah, you can actually do that these days! So we're really married and she's not a friend of Tania who's just playing her part in this grossly exaggerated publicity stunt. And thus we're currently in a legal dead lock and can't do anything.
Media : OMG! We must play this story 24x7 for no apparent reason.
St. Xavier : But I just killed a dragon today...
Media : Quiet you!
Tania : This is great! I'm back in the news! They'll play 9 second clips of me over and over again on TV. I'm LUVIN IT!
McDawnlds : That's our line!
Tania : Suck...mah....
McDawnalds : Mr.Show-off! Can't you just divorce your fat cow and THEN marry Tania.
Tania : WTF!
Everyone : That's a very simple solution to this problem.

10 seconds later...
Show-off : The telephone divorce is done and now I'm free to wed Tania. <cheesy grin>
Tania : I didn't REALLY wanna marry you...I just....OH GOD!
McDawnalds : Suck on THAT...bee-yotch!


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