Not coming to a theatre near you


<People at a chai shop tune into the Radio>
<Old man with newspaper turns on Radio>
Radio Jockey : Good morning India! This is Sushil bringin' you the sounds of <crash> what the..HEY! You can't be in here..OH MY <BANG><BANG><BANG>.....
<Old man puts down newspaper to listen more closely>
<Student calls other students closer towards the hostel Radio>
A murderous psychopath
Sinister Voice on Radio : Good Morning India. Welcome to the Danger hour with your host, ME, the serial bomber.
<People at the chai shop shocked>
An impossible situation
Sinister voice on Radio : I have placed a bomb in every Radio in India which will go off UNLESS, the RJ is talking at the rate of at least 500 words per minute. Otherwise..
<Old man's radio starts beeping>...<Old man surprised>....<Radio explodes>
Sinister voice on Radio : My demands are simple, I want a reality show to be made on the Honeymoon adventures of Saif and Kareena, where Kareena is talking all the time and Saif is looking like an idiot.
Who will stop this madman?
Police dude : Who will stop this madman?
Police Commissioner : Too late Police dude, the trailer already asked that question. But how did he manage to get past national security to place a bomb in every radio of every house of this country?
National security : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Terrorist tour guide : OK! To the left we have the Indian national security. We will stop and have lunch from here before moving onto a densely populated area to blow up people.
Police Commissioner : So that's how. Either way we can't give into his demands.
Police dude : It's ridiculous! We all know Saif and Kareena will break up before the wedding.
Police Commissioner : We got no choice, we have to call in...THE CSTFU SQUAD!
<2 guys walking in slow motion towards the camera through smoke>
Starring KARAN THAPAR as Mr.Question
Mr.Q (17 words/sec): So tell me Mr.Bomber, what is your motivation behind this crime? Perhaps it was funded by some terrorist organisation which wants to blow up all of India and by that I mean from northern part of India to the south most point of the sub continent that is Kanyakumari?
Serial Bomber : You ask too many quest....
Mr.Q (23 words/sec) : I'm going to have to stop you there to show some papers with random stuff written on it which proves as much as the chewing gum under my shoe.
Serial Bomber : ...uhh...I...
Mr.Q (27.5 words/sec) : So can you explain why Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb? Who's fleece was white as snow mind you.
With RAJEEV MASAND as the Ranting Reviwer
Reviewer (25.65 words/sec) : You seem to be full of spectacular raging hormones. Your wit and sadistic nature are a real treat yet this pales in comparison to your background story which if full of plot holes that will have you screaming with agony all the way through.
Bomber : Are you like....attracted to me or something?
Will this unlikely pair prove a match for the serial bomber?
Mr.Q(54 words/sec) : You should really ask more questions that pressing upon your views to the general public. For instance this bomb I am holding in my hands.
Bomb : ....34.....33......32.......31......30.....
Mr.Q (69 words/sec) : So tell me Mr.Bomb, is it the red wire or the blue wire. And if not the blue wire, is it a hint of Communism being expressed there? Could this entire operation be funded by China? Does this shirt make me look fat? Is Pluto a planet? What is the longest word in the dictionary? That's enough questions to last you a lifetime.
Bomb : ...................................29.....28.....27.....
Reviewer (77.114 words/sec) : Clearly the bomber has outdone himself in this venture with the generic blue wire red wire bomb that has a countdown clock. The maliciousness and pterodactlyus spororgy of quasi hetero dentistry is completely gluteus maximus coprada!
Bomb : ....26....25....HEY! You just made those words up!.....
SPEED 3 : The CSTFU SQUAD (Can't Shut The Fuck Up SQUAD)
Reviewer : This movie promises everything your ex-husband and politicians do and more. It is a must watch and full of entertainment for the family. I'm going with minus 3 stars for this epic piece of cinema. Because that's what I do, I give bad ratings to good movies.
Audience guy : Dude, did he just rate his own movie? That too like negative rating? Like ACTUAL negative rating of MINUS 3 stars? Like WTF!


Jack and Jill, went up the hill,
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down, and broke his crown,
and Jill came tumbling after!
Or was it?

<Jill standing over a bloodied and bruised Jake, holding her gun>
<Jill surrounded by Humpty Dumpty, 3 blind mice and Ajmal Kassab>
Jack(bloodied and bruised) : Jill....I still....lov...
Jill : I know.......<BANG!>
7 months late...
Jack : I'd like Hattori Hanzo to fucking make me a new blade.
Japanese dude : You think you wield a fucking Hattori Hanzo katana? <fucking throws grenade at Jack>
Jack : <cuts grenade in half>....I might!...... <grenade explodes in fuckingslow motion>
<CUT SCENE : Jack travelling in car>
Jack : She fucking left me for dead at the bottom of that hill.....
<Jack at the local bar>
Bartender : Kalyani Beer or MGM Vaatka saar?
Jack : I'm looking for..........the fucking mouse brothers.
Bartender : Back room saar!
<CUT SCENE : Jack travelling in car>
Jack : .....I shall fucking hunt down everyone responsible.....
<Jack fighting Humpty Dumpty>
Jack : Where's Jill?!
Humpty : You will die by my blade even before you find out where Jill is. <raises sword>
Jack : <slashes>
Humpty : <squirts blood> So that really was a Hattori Hanzo katana <breaks into pieces with fucking blood everywhere>
Jack : Goodbye old friend.
Written and Directed by a ****ING GENIUS
<CUT SCENE : Jack travelling in car>
Jack : Even though they're all fucking fictional characters from childrens' poetry....
Ajmal Kassab : .....
Jack : I'll kill them ALL....And then finally........I am..........gonna..........KILL JILL!
<Jack and Jill face off>
Jill : You didn't think it would be that easy did you?
Jack : For a second there...YEAH!
KILL JILL Volume 1
(revENGE with a capital ENGE)


Chetan Bugger : HI! I'm world's greatestest writist Chetan. Many of you love me more than your own Moms because of my awesome God like powers. And I know many of you committed suicide when those bastards didn't give me enough credit for MY MOVIE. So I present to you, my autobiography! After you watch it, I will sign your face in appreciation, else you won't get into heaven. Enjoy the trailer!
From the guy who thinks he fucked up IIT
Chetan : I know I'm only an accountant, but all I want...IS LOVE.....along with sex and cash!
Watch his journey in discovering true love
Female : Hey! I'm like a totally weird Brahmin girl or something, 'cause I drink beer and spoon feed fat bastards.
Chetan : I am so damn cool because I make fun of everyone in my head. Let's have sex.
Female : I've only known you for like 3 minutes....OK!
Watch as he faces his worst adversities
Female's Dad : I stereotypical South India...I speak like caveman...I also hairy like caveman...GRRRRR!! I bite you if you touch daughter, because that how South Indians are.
Chetan's Mom : Arre! Kya rre! Blah rre! Satyajit Ray!
Watch as he gets help from the least expected places
Chetan : God? Is that really you?
God : FUCK NO! You think God would come here to help out a loser like you? Go die!
Chetan : So how did everything magically fall into place? Is it because of true love?
God : Yeah why not....dumbass!
Watch as some random shit happens
Female : I shall break up with you 'cause.....well not really sure on that...but I'm breaking up!
Chetan : I have no reason to live.
Female : Hey wait! I love you again... not really sure why again
Watch with "All hail Chetan" written across screen throughout the movie

Hrithik "1 crappy movie a year" Roshan as Chetan Bhagath
Conswella Banana Hammock as Female(Love interest)
Wild Gorilla as Female's Dad
Some fat Aunty as Chetan's Mom

Directed by Some guy
Produced by Rakesh Roshan (DUH!)

(gonna make you spend more money on him, in theatres near you)

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