'Kites' in a nutshell

Starring :-
Hrithik as J, the hero who's name is just an alphabet, so let's call him Hrithik
Barbara Mori as the Spanish Chick
Kangana Ranaut as the Stalker
Some NRI dude as Villain
Some other guy as Some other guy

SPOILER ALERT : If you didn't know that the main two characters die at the end of the movie, then don't read the following.

Middle of nowhere(but in Mexico)
Mexican workers : OMG! We found a half dead guy inside a train with awesome hair! I want his shampoo!
Hrithik : Behold! I have awoken from my coma. What? I don't have a beard yet, I guess my alarm rang too early <hits snooze button>
Mexican Doc : That wasn't the alarm, I just pulled a goddam bullet outta your body! Even John Rambo shows some pain. Stop playing dead and act dammit!
Sometime later...
Mexican Doc (in Spanish): I hope that you don't mind us sending you in some random direction into the fuckining desert without food, supplies, transportation or even water while still limping.
Subtitles : I hope that you find your love!
Hirthik : Girls, stop staring at my sexy beard. It's time for a flashback.

3 months before...
Hrithik : Generic Las vegas intro blah blah dreams blah blah money metaphors blah blah blah. Anyways, I'm the biceps showing dance instructor who does green card scams by marrying illegal immigrants for money. For some reason I have only one friend but I'm reasonably connected enough to not get caught for the scam or polygamy. The last woman I married doesn't speak English and I don't speak her language of Spanish.
Audience : Foreshadowing! A hint of things to come, Good one director.
Director : YO! <poses>
Hirthik : Though I have a lot of fashion dress sense, my apartment's a dump. Hmmmm!
Stalker : TADAAAAA!
Hirthik : OMG! A female ninja!
Stalker : I learned how to sneak around from Batman. You freaked out yet? How about I give you hints about me moving in with you and then show you my legs?
Hirthik : Though any given male would consider a hot chick who willing jumped onto his bed, I am so ethically reinforced that I shall ask you to get the fuck outta my house.
Stalker : Didn't you earlier tell us in a narrative that you're a low level con man? Screw you, I shall leave now, but not before showing you a generic sign of wealth – A Limo!
Next day...
Hirthik : Hey! I'm taking a sudden interest in you to access your riches. It also gives me a chance to show off my dancing skills in a competition.
Other dancers : We too got skill dude! This ain't India!
Hrithik : Daddy! They're making fun of me!
Bald Roshan : No probs! Just dance with the Kangana's dance double and I'll give you more screen time.
Stalker : Hey! Come have a generic polite meeting with my casino owning rich parents.
Stalkers's Mom : We like the fact that you're name is an alphabet. I also like your awesome hair. I want your shampoo!
Stalker's Dad : I liked the way you touched all over my daughter's body in this seemingly underground street dance competition. I should be doing a background check on you or something but instead how about you come to our place.
At the house of riches...
Hrithik : All this expensive stuff is making me so excited, I think I'll go take a dip in your home coral reef pool thingy while doing a narrative. HOLY CRAP! It's a friggin fish woman!
Spanish Chick : I know! Even I was surprised that there is such a thing as home coral reef pool thingy. I wonder why there is a significant music playing in the background?
Hirthik : Should I follow her around and stare at her in slow motion or should I depend on fate to randomly arrange meetings between us, and THEN stare at her in slow motion?
Villain : BAAAH! I talk trash in an American accent. Soooo scaaaarryyyyy! BAAAAAH! By the way, the Spanish chick who I noticed you're staring at, she's my trophy wife. Don't try to steal her from me, else I'll have to chase you around for the rest of this movie ok?
Spanish Chick : I get to finally acknowledge you with a slow motion smile.
At the Bar...
Villain : How about a generic bar conversation where I tell you how I met the Spanish chick? Since I'm a generic bad guy I'll also show you how much I materialise her.
Hrithik : This gives me time to have a flashback when I ran into her and how I took interest and pity in her. There are other generic details like rain and me giving her my coat and her disappearing before I could say 'bye' ...... but you get the idea right. Time for some love song to start playing.
Hirthik and Spanish chick : <stare> <stare> <flirt>...<flirt><stare><stare>...<flirt><flirt><flirt>, and it's all in slow motion containing long distance flirting and close up flirting. And the best part is, no one is noticing despite the obviousness. What fucking morons!
Audience : The sweetness of their budding love is giving us diabetes. Good one director.
Director : YO! <poses>
Hirthik : Check it out! I have like a bazillion abs! Eh? What's that happening? Opportunity?
Villain : BAAAAH! Since I treat you like crap I might as well have a generic ego based argument with you. I shall now leave you depressed and sulking and all alone unless someone comes to your emotional aid. BOOO BAAAAH! I'm SCAAAAAAAAAAAAARYYYYYY!
Spanish chick : <sniff><sniff> I am depressed! <sulk><sulk> Wonder why my shadow is distinctly clear?
Hirthik : Check it out! It's shadow puppets sex ed!
Spanish chick : Cool! Forget sulking or being freaked out by your sudden appearance, I wanna play!

3 months later...
Hrithik : Back to me, bearded awesome haired Hrithik. I magically found the railway station where I get flashes of memory of where I last was. Since the movie has established itself having a retrace-your-path theme, I shall now perform another miracle and find a needle in a haystack metaphorically.
Station master : Hey all! If me white skin isn't enough to prove that I'm an American, I'll say 'man' at the end of my sentences. Why don't you faint and have another flashback while I recharge your cell.
Hrithik : I should've taken food, supplies, transportation or at least water while limping through that fucking desert. I hope that station guy won't go through my wallet and contact the Villain since I still carry around their visiting card for some strange reason.

3 months before...
Villain : Let me introduce you to the family business. We kill people who piss us off. Now while you recover from the shock of reality hitting you in the face, why don't you kill that upside down guy as an initiation to our family?
Upside down guy : Your hair is just awesome Hrithik. I want your shampoo!
Hrithik : Must...use....quick thinking! AHA! I shall say things that'll save your life and make me look good in front of the family. And since it worked for SRK in 'My Name is Khan' I shall talk to an American in Hindi.
Stalker's Dad : I'm impressed. Let me tell you more about the family now that's it's been revealed we're more than just stalkers. We're the generic powerful family who partially own and control everything in town. I shall end this boring speech by showing generic protectiveness over my psycho daughter.
Hirthik : Let me make a cute reference to our earlier 'marriage' and hang out with that Spanish chick all night.
Spanish Chick : Even though we can't talk to each other at all, the champagne you bought makes your intentions obvious.
Hrithik : That's correct. Let us bound over our common goals of trying to marry rich people only for money and then have the generic guy-girl-night-out-around-the-town sequence.
Spanish Chick : This bonding isn't enough. Tell me something really sad from your past.
Hrithik : OK! My Mom died! And some other sentimental details.
Spanish Chick : Though I hardly speak English, I totally understood your complex story. So let's seal this bonding by doing a generic slow motion dance out in the rain.
Hrithik : Time to drop you back home. What better time than to fully flood the audience with our emotions by sharing a kiss.
Audience : You delayed the kiss by a few seconds which seemed like hours. Thanks for making us extra horny director.
Director : YO! <poses>
Villain : BAAAAAAAH! I appear out of the blue so unexpectedly. Time to beat you up like the scary bad guy that I am.
Hrithik : NO! Our bonding is so great that I must risk pissing off a bunch of tyrants in order to save you. Let's go for that adventure!

3 months later...
Station guy : Hey bearded Hrithik man! It's time to wake up man. The Villain is here to get you man. Before I get killed by him for no apparent reason, let me just say that you have such awesome hair. I want your shampoo! Man!
Hrithik : Must use teachings of Batman and disappear to higher ground.
Villain : BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I'm scarier when I'm angry!
Station guy : Why are all your henchmen dressed in black?
Villain : Because we're coming from a funeral. NOW DIE!....ha! Were those last 2 statements ironic or just funny?
Hrithik : They can't find me, I'll jump from train to train and escape them.
Audience : HEY! Where did Hrithik's limp go?
Laws of inertia : Right here with me. The director said we both weren't required on the set for the train jump scene.
Audience : Good one director!
Director : YO! <poses>
Hrithik : What? A text message of apparent betrayal from my Spanish Chick? The only solution to this will be to first go stare at the Stalker's Parent's casino in Las vegas. Then I'll go get a gun before continuing on with the flash back. Because that's what people who get text messages from chicks who dump them do, they go buy guns.

3000000 months before...
Caveman : Og hungry! Og go find mate to make food for Og!
Rekha : OH NO! Not another Caveman trying to mate with me. How many more centuries do I have to wait before I can have an affair with Big B?

Oops, rewinded a bit too much!
Just 3 months before...
Spanish Chick : As a recap, we've just started running away together from our very powerful ex-fiances.
Hrithik : My expensive gift car has GPS that'll help the Villain get our exact location with his vast resources. So how about we exchange this car with people who I don't think will help the Villain find us since they just know the general direction in which we're going.
Spanish Chick : I don't know. It seems too awkward that we just know each other for a few days yet now we're running away by betraying a family with high level connections. I mean, I just like you as a frien...
Hrithik : I know! I shall say seemingly cute things and then we'll bond some more by talking while some gay song plays in the background.
Cops : AHA! We were able to catch up with you after those people who you exchanged your car with betrayed you by telling us the general direction in which you were travelling.
Hrithik : But how did you find our exact location on the highway?
Cops : No other car was travelling with a gay background music!
Audience : WOW! What a generic car chase! WOW! What illogical and pointless explosions! WOW! The gay song is still playing in the background!
Director : YO! <poses>
Audience : WOW! Escape in a hot air balloon in a non-James Bond movie! WOW! Hrithik topless and Spanish Chick in her undergarments. At least those 2 elements weren't generic!
Hrithik : Bazillion abs people! So let's rob a bank and hijack a car WITH the driver still inside.
Spanish Chick : Why can't we just throw the driver out?
Hrithik : Because he's the generic conveniently placed Indian out of India for comical use.
Lot of miles later...
Hrithik : Stuck in a hotel room y'all! Not this ain't a Hollywood movie, we don't have sex we just bond more.
Cops : Freeze! We magically fount you! You're under arrest!
Hrithik : Don't worry, some senseless confusion will happen and we'll escape and have another chase sequence.
Audience : HUH? What happened to all the explosions when the cop cars fly this time?
Director : Pyrotechnics cost flammable fuels. Save fossil fuels, save the earth.
Audience : .................
Director : YO! <poses>
Next day....
Hrithik : Hey! It's my generic good friend who's name no one bothers to remember. Please take Spanish chick away from me to keep her safe. Meanwhile I shall over do my crying scene.
Spanish Chick : OI! Moron! They're after me too! It's not like you're the CIA target.
Hrithik : Now that you won't leave, I shall go to plan B. Get money from Villain, escape to your village in Mexico, change wardrobe again and then marry you.
Spanish chick's family : We're opposed to our daughter marrying some foreign dude but it's ok since your hair is so awesome. I want your shampoo!
Spanish Chick : Finally! We get to have glimpses of a sex scene which'll possibly feature in the Kites Remix version.
Audience : OMG! Really? Good one director!
Director : YO! <poses>
Hrithik : Now that we're married and alone without any background music, either we'll have sex or something bad will happen. Since this is Bollywood.
Hrithik : How the bloody hell does he keep finding us?
Villain : Google maps! Now get hit with a bullet and lose consciousness from time to time for the sake of dramatic cinematography!
Hrithik : Now it's starting to make sense. We're at the station from earlier, I lose my cell phone and somehow recall this despite oozing out blood and the Spanish Chick puts me onto a train. Brilliant! But I don't know anything more, I need to end this flashback to go back to the present, learn more stuff and THEN continue the flashback.

3 months later...
Good servant of Villain : I'll tell you everything so that you can have a flashback sequence later.
Hrithik : Too bad the Villain followed you here, idiot! Now I need to kill them all! ARGH!
Villain : BOO BAAAH! WTF! I got shot!
Hrithik : BOOO BAAAH my fist you b******! WTF! Now I got shot!
Stalker : Remember me? You're just threatening to kill my Brother but I guess I'll let you go.
Hrithik : Thanks! Now I can travel to the location where the Spanish Chick rode off a cliff and cry like a sissy. Mind you, I was just shot!
Audience : So the text message where Spanish Chick seemingly left him was her suicide note? Good one director!
Director : YO! <poses>
Hrithik : OK! Enough crying. I'm dying too. I'll dive head first and land feet first into the water. HOLY CRAP! It's a friggin fish woman!
Spanish Chick : No it's me moron! I've developed gills and was waiting for you to get here!
Hrithik : Really?
Spanish : NO! We're both dead!
Hrithik : Oh....Wanna make out?
Spanish Chick : YO!

Hrithik : Wait wait wait! How come everyone wanted my shampoo?
Audience : Because you were always on the run through the desert and came across a source of water only twice but still your hair was shiney and bouncey throughout!
Hrithik : ........

1 comment:

  1. hey Venai ! your description was awesome. You are brilliant at humour ! its keeps one interested to read till the last word, you have recreated the characters beautifully !
    And that SHAMPOO thing was unbeatable. Keep it up, i would love to read more of ur work.



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