This Sunday I attended the MBA tour in Bangalore. It was pretty much a disappointment for me as most universities wanted more than I can offer(as they often do). Well, I do have very little to offer after donating my blood, soul and central nervous system to the great white-ass-kissing slavery that is the IT industry.
The website had mentioned business attire so I walked in with a crumpled shirt, jeans and a pair of sneakers, since I’m a rebel of sorts and wanted to make trouble for the establishment. Take that society! My companion had worn a gorilla face t-shirt and unwashed jeans. As the British would put it, “Simple Marvellous! Absolutely Smashing!”, and then they would go drink tea and engage in sexual intercourse with huge pigs they call wives.
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| OH YEAH! Dressed to...uh....MBA? |
But then I saw the place crawling with neatly pressed formal wear with nerds inside them. Some people were getting married that day and decided to wear their rental blazers to the event, two burdens with one suit. As though they weren’t a pain to look at, they had the most awesome-est business oriented stick-up-the-ass queries. I didn’t get most of what they said ‘cause I hardly read newspapers and I don’t experiment with my rectal opening. They didn’t get half of the jokes the foreign university people were telling ‘cause they left their sense of humour back in their mothers’ womb. Despite how much I generally want to kill off all these types of bastards, there are 3 in particular I would add to my hot list.
Mr. Lonely
A guy so desperate, he needed to talk to some foreign university person at every millisecond of his life. Take a break dude!
Counsellor 1 : ....Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.
Mr.Lonely : Ok...OMG! I have finished talking to that person. I must find a new foreigner to talk to before my head explodes.......oh crap! Oh crap!....AH! There...Chinese person! Please tell me something about your university.
Counsellor 2 : Hi! Well we are.........so Thank you! We’ll be getting in touch with you shortly.
Mr.Lonely : Ya thanks....Oh god! I’m lonely again! Why is the world so cruel to me?.......Why? Why? Why? Why?....AHA! You! Tell me everything I need to know.
Plant : Dude! You’re talking to a potted plant.
Mr. Lonely : I DON’T CARE! I just can’t survive for a moment without running around to every living thing present in this room.
Squeaky Gushmouth : The master of Append
Squeaky came from behind while I was listening to an admissions person. First I thought it was some female with a cold and then pow! The female had a moustache and no essential aspects. Squeaky looked harmless enough with his glasses and his won’t-interrupt-you attitude but I was taken aback when Mr.Gushmouth opened his mouth and let out the first Squeak.
Squeaky : Sir sir, so please explain to the lengthy selection process in a few paragraphs. It will only take a few months of your life no?
Admissions guy : Well, why don’t you take a look at our website and not bother me now.
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Will foreign students get loan for tuition fees?
Admissions : No, we hate foreigners as much as you. We cook them in a large container and feed them to sharks.
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How is the job market like in your country?
Admissions guy : Market is open all the time. We sell good jobs at affordable rates per kilo.
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Can I take 2 brochures of your university so that I can have one for each hand?
Admissions guy : Yeah sure. Whatever turns you on.
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. Does this tie make me look fat?
Admissions guy : If you are hitting on me, yes. Otherwise, no.
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing. How much salt would there be in all the oceans combined.
Admissions guy : Not sure, but I wonder if there is enough to kill you instantly of dehydration.
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....
Several more IMPORTANT questions later...
Squeaky : Okay! And one more thing.....
Admissions guy : Dude, I died several centuries ago. This is just a figment of your imagination
My great great great great Grand Son : Look kids! This is the monster that killed your Great great great great great Grand Father during an MBA fair just like this.
My (great) x 5 Grand kids : WOOOOOW! He looks so serious!
Squeaky : And one more thing..... And one more thing..... And one more thing.....
Emperor Black Hole
The best for last. He’s the reason I still keep a strong belief that humans need to be eradicated. He started off as any other bald guy asking questions to the admissions person. Without us realizing, there was a black hole forming inside his mouth. By the time we figured out, the black hole had already absorbed our patience and will to live. Soon, the gravitational force of the black hole was so high that we were all holding on for our lives. Soon, the entire universe just collapses into this guy’s mouth and still he’s going on none stop.
The Emperor : Will you differentiate between people who’ve had experience abroad and those who didn’t.
Admissions dude : That’s the whole point of it you see. Even though we tell you that we give equal importance to both, we obviously want people with experience abroad, since that’s what you will be doing, experiencing stuff ABROAD!
The Emperor : No you see, the reason why I asked was because one of my friends went onsite while I wasn’t sent.
Admissions dude : Out of all the things in the history of stuff that people didn’t give a damn about, I’m sure this will be ranked in the top 3.
The Emperor : I feel that I’m more qualified than him and am therefore better for your university.
Admissions dude : Oh please give us more details. This is as interesting as watching paint dry.
The Emperor : So when he was sent onsite and I wasn’t blah blah blah blah...
Me : Ahem! AHEM!
The Emperor : And that’s how I defeated the 3 headed dragon. Moving onto my 4th standard, blah blah me me me blah blah.
Me : hmmmmm
The Emperor : So then I blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Me : AARRRRGGGHHH!!!!
Admissions dude : Is it me, or is the gravitational force towards this bastard’s mouth increase.
Security person : EVERYONE! Take cover, it’s a black hole! Quick! Take these black hole emergency kits!
Admissions dude : A shot of tequila?
Security person : Last drink. You thought we could actually escape infinite gravity?
Me : Did someone say tequila?
The Emperor : MEEE MEEE MEEEEE BLLAAAAAAAAAAHHH BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Fucking socio-pathic nerds!
Here’s a snap of The Emperor with another random serious person.
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| Thank god for eye censorship thingy |
I know what you're thinking : "No wonder he wasn't qualified since he (dressed like that/spent the time observing people)". You might be true, you might not be. But the important thing is - Sachin Tendulkar is AWESOME!
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