How to ruin a corporate dance perfomance

At some point of time while working for a corporate, some celebration or festival will occur where a lot of ‘cultural events’ will be hosted. These are to keep the insignificant employees from realizing the fact that the company is slowly stealing their souls. The most applause from these soul-less degenerates will go for the dance numbers. This is a guide as to how to ruin a perfectly good dance performance starting from the preparation process. The following steps have been proven effective from actual application.

STEP 1 : Waste all your money
Now since the cultural event will have a committee, there’ll be funding. Most people will refuse to part with their hardly earned money so the funds will be minimal for the dance. The WRONG thing to do in such a case would be to take the money and buy proper costumes for the dancers. Thus the CORRECT thing to do is to feed what little money collected to the pigs. By pigs, I don’t mean the fat disgusting omnivorous swine that live in farms, I mean the fat disgusting omnivorous swine that call themselves the Management. Even if you don’t needlessly waste your money on them, they’ll come over and ask you for it anyways. So everyone is happy.

STEP 2 : Practice is over rated
Now you might be thinking, any ordinary person can become a good dancer with enough practice. That’s the WRONG idea. Who wants to see good dancers anymore? The CORRECT thing to do is to practice very little, by waking up late and having 4 meals a day, going out to booze, puking and then passing out. So lethargy is the word of the day. Life is too short to spend on practicing for some dance. ENJOY!

STEP 3 : The perfect stage
Since this is a corporate, you’d have paid the management to build you a good stage. So this step pretty much carries itself out. The fat pigs probably spent all the money buying hundreds of Lay’s packets. So with whatever small change they got, they’ll stick together some random objects and pass it off as a stage. The WRONG type of stage will be a permanent solid spacious stage. The CORRECT type, and what we want, will be built in 15 minutes, consists of crevices and gaping holes and would be small enough to fit only a bunch of short Chinese performers. Features like bad location would only be an added bonus.

STEP 4 : Girls > Boys
It is a known fact that a girls group dance will have more photographers than a boys group dance. So instead of equality(WRONG) what must be done is that all the technical help should be given to the girls group dance. The boy dancers should be blinded by stage smoke and light at unnecessary levels. The music should mostly be kept at a low volume and should be fluctuated for added confusion. The boys now visually confused and out of sync will somehow stumble through the entire performance with the grace of Abhishek Bachchan. This step would only be fully CORRECT if the girls dance consists of no smoke and laser lighting to cover up the steps and the music be in full blast so that it drowns all other noises.

The boys will perform the dance completely out of sync due to lack of practice. This lack of coordination will be worsened by the fact that there isn’t enough space to even walk around(let alone jump around) though there is a lot of place to trip and fall. Finally, as the icing on the shit cake, the poor music system and confusing lights will destroy whatever little amount of cohesion there was to begin with. To the un trained eye it will simply look like a bunch of drunkards doing a lot of random stuff, but what they don’t know is the amount of work and number of people that have gone behind this god awful performance.

1.      These steps will not work if the performers are a bunch of small Chinese men. They’ll easily fit on stage and jump over all gaps and crevices using their kung fu. Also, their appearance will confuse the technical people into thinking they’re girls and provide them with good volume music and no crappy flashy effects. Mostly the disadvantage being that small Chinese men are natural enemies of fat pigs and will kill them before they can take the money.
2.      This will work only in companies where the Management are a bunch of greedy pigs. I’m just kidding! We all know that the Management consists of only greedy pigs irrespective of the company.
3.      Brushing your teeth twice a day can be injurious to your health. The only way to drive away an angry mob after this performance is with bad breath, since you’ll be too tired to physically fight them off.

Remember, it’s your dance performance. Make sure you have lots of fun ruining it for the audience who actually expected something.

1 comment:

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