Avatar 4D

This weekend I was returning to Chennai from Kerala in those buses where they can play movies. Sitting next to me was possibly the grumpiest guy in all buses travelling to Chennai that day. On his lap, was his son(or kidnapped child) who was exceedingly hyper. As I wondered how this could be more amusing, they started playing a movie – AVATAR!
You all have seen Avatar 3D and complain how Avatar 2D can't compare to that.
As for my case, this kid started talking to me out of the blue(pun intended) and that extra element was the reason I was able to watch...


NOTE : Blue font = thought

SCENE : Jake Sully's mind goes into his avatar body for the first time through that colourful tunnel thingy.
Kid : How did he transfer?
Dad : Grrmmmff <shrugs>
Kid : <looks at me> How did he transfer?
Me : <waving hands around slowly> Maaaaagiiiiiic!
Kid : Is it Bluetooth?
Me :................

SCENE : Jake runs for the first time in his Avatar body
Kid : Why is he blue?
Me : Because of bluetooth!
Kid : .......<looks at dad> Why is he blue?
Me : ....... [Oh! So you just know about bluetooth huh? I just wasted my spontaneous humour on you dammit!]
Dad : Grrrmmmfff <nods at screen>
Kid : <looks at me> Why is he blue?
Me : [I know a guy from Ghajini with a memory like yours] Because uh....cause...
Jake : <takes bite out of juicy purple Na'vi fruit> Oooh hoho!
Me : ...cause...they eat THAT!
Kid : ........<eyes widen> Reallyyyyy?
Me : <eyes widen> Yeaaaaah!
Kid : Papa! Pa paaaaaa! Fruit! FROOOOOOOT!
Dad : HRRMM <looks at me>
Me : <innocent look> Hmmmm! [MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Come on Dad, buy him the froot!]

SCENE : Jake first learns to ride the Na'vi horse
Kid : BEN 10!
Me : ???????
Kid (to me) : Ben 10!
Me : Eh???????
Kid : That is Ben 10! You know Ben 10!
Me : Aaa..ha [Was that a question?]
Kid : Beeeen teeeeeen! 6 legs and trunk! You know!
Me : ....... [I know Ben10 is one the most stupid cartoon ever]...That's a horse. You know!
Kid : Ben 10! BEN 10! BEEEEN TEEEEEN!
Dad : Hrrrrmmff! <looks at me>
Me : Fine fine! Ben 10!
Kid : BEN 10!
Me : <sigh>

SCENE : Jake's first flight on that flying thingy
Kid : Woooooow! Dinosaur!
Me : No no no! That's not a dinosaur, that's a dragon!
Kid : Dragon?
Me : Dragon!
Kid : Nooooooooo! Dragon will spit fire. Foooooooo!
Me : Umm...that....that is...uh....BIG Dragon!
Kid : Big dragon?
Me : Big dragon can ..uh...spit fire. Small dragon <points at screen> no fire.
Kid : Okay! So who is dinosaur?
Me : Dinosaur? Dinosaur...dinosaur dead...ulk <sticks tongue out, rolls eyes and tilts head>
Kid : OH NOOOO! Who killed dinosaur?
Me : ....EH? [WTF! What goes through this kid's mind?].....That...hmmmm...
Kid : <looks on in interest>
Me : ....that is...sheh.....HITLER!
Kid : Hit ler?
Me : Yaaaaa! Hitler killed dinosaur.
Dad : Hrrrmmff???
Me : <innocent look> Hmmmm! [MUAHAHAHAHAAAA! Should've told him about Hitler]
Kid : Hitler....hitler hitler....

SCENE : When Jake and Neytiri get 'intimate'
Kid : CHEEEEEEE! Don't look! <ducks head behind front seat>
Me : <controlling laughter> OK! <ducks head behind front seat and bangs head on handle thing> OW!
Kid : <whispers> Is it safe?
Me : [Not sure, didn't see them use condoms] <whispers> I think so!
Kid : <looks at screen> It's safe.
Me : [You already know about bluetooth but you don't know about porn?]

SCENE : Jake is making that inspiring speech to everyone
Jake : We'll give them a message....that this.....THIS IS OUR LAND!
Kid : YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! <fist in the air>
Fellow passengers : [How cute! What a cute energetic kid. He'll probably become a great engineer or doctor. His parents must be so proud]
Me : YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! <fist in the air>
My fist : <slams into window frame>
Me : [SONUVABEECH! That hurt!]
Fellow passengers : [What a hooligan! Does he not have parents? He was probably kicked out of his house for doing drugs and having a goatee]

SCENE : Last scene when Jake is permanently being trasfered to his avatar body
Kid : .........<awed look>
Me : <Waiting for reaction>
Jake : <opens eyes>
Screen : AVATAR
Kid : AVATAAAAAAR! <hands in the air>
Me : AVATAAAAAR! <hands in the air>
Right hand : <slams into window frame>
Me : ARGH! [DAMMIT! You again you ***** ******** piece of ******** metal ******]
Fellow passangers : <gives me the look>
Me : ……….. [Screw you all!]

PS : Unless you watch Ben10 or Bheem Bheem Bheem Chotta Bheem Chotta Bheem, you ALREADY belong to the NEXT generation, as demostrated here. And they already know about bluetooth!

Tweet you!

Fakit Modi : Hey guys! You mind if I create the most over hyped scripted sports phenomenon since WWE?
Public : No.
Fakit Modi : So do you mind if I make enough profit out of it to become obscenely rich?
Public : Not really.
Fakit Modi : How about I display semi nude foreign women to dance around with pom-poms?
Public : WHOA DUDE! That's against our culture and stuff. We will retaliate against this atrocity by watching, and thus promoting your event further.
Fakit Modi : I'll make this turban guy bitch slap the hell outta that show off dancer.
Turbanator : WTF?!
Show off dancer : Please slap me! I crave attention.
Public : Cat fight with men? WOW! Wait, which sport was this again?
Fakit Modi : $$$$$$$$$$$

Fakit Modi : Will you give me extra security for my freak show in India?
Govt : NO!
Fakit Modi : Will you NOW give me extra attention for my freak show in South Africa?
Public : YES!
Gabriella Demetriades : Will you let me win "Miss IPL Bollywood"?
Fakit Modi : NO!
Mysterious blogger : Will you pay me extra to create more controversy?
Fakit Modi : $$$$$$$$$$$...I mean, YES!

Sushi Taroor : Tweet tweet! I have an opinion about everything. Tweet tweet!
Public : OMG! WTF!
Sushi Taroor : Tweet tweet! Cattle class is good. Why do we need new visa guidelines? Public : Dude! That's sick.
Con-gress party : He's a menace to society.
Kajmal Ass-ab : Yeah!
Public : He's a witch! Burn him!
Sushi Taroor : Tweet tweet! Value my opinions plebes for I am learned-ed. Tweet tweet!

Gabriella Demetriades : Can I have a visa please?
Fakit Modi : Screw you!
Gabriella Demetriades : Can I have a visa please?
Suchi Taroor : Tweet tweet! OK!
Fakit Modi : WTF! I shall have my revenge before this flashback ends.

Announcement : This just in, the new teams are Kochi and Pune. They cost more than the other teams combined. Where is all this money going to?
Poor people : Not us.
Pensioners : Not us.
Na'vi : Not us.
Somalian Pirates : Not us....seriously!
Fakit Modi : HEY! I had ordered a Gujarat, not some South Indian crap team.
Keralites : OH WOW! Kerala will finally get a recognition in Cricket.
Sushi Taroor : Tweet tweet! I know my fellow lesser man. That's what I wanted for Kerala.
Keralites : OK! That's cool. Now are you gonna organize money to help out the poor farmers or do something that's not pointless? I mean, you ARE a government person after all.
Sushi Taroor : ..................Tweet................
Fakit Modi : Ok ok, how about this. The bloody South Indian team stays, BUT, it has to play all its "home" matches in Ahmedabad? How's that?
Sushi Taroor : Hey Modi, just between you and me, most of the profits of the Kochi go to my friend from Canada.
Fakit Modi : HUH?
Sushi Taroor : And get this, I'm gonna marry her. We have so many things in common – we both can't speak Malayalam, we both have been married twice before and we both are gonna share the profits of the Kochi team. But don't tell anyone ok!
Fakit Modi : Tweet tweet! Sushi corrupt! Tweet tweet!
Sushi Taroor : OMG! I totally didn't expect this after all those nice friendly death threats from him.
Fakit Modi : Tweet tweet! Profits go to friend from Canada whom he'll marry. Tweet tweet!
Sushi Taroor : He's using my weapon against me. I'm defenseless against Twitter. ARGH!
Fakit Modi : Tweet tweet! Taroor using nepotism in India. Government employee using powers to help friends and family. Tweet tweet!
ShobhaaAAaaAA De : Battle of the sexes! BLAH! BLAH! Sushi's Canadian friend a she-demon! BLAH! BLAH! Irrelevant comments! BLAH! BLAH! I'm 300 years old!
Con-gress party : He's a menace to society.
Sucky Sawant : Yeah!
Public : He's a witch! Burn him!
Sushi Taroor : How come no one is defending me?

Girl 1 : Hey everyone! I'm so pretty, look at me!
Boy 1 : I'm looking.
Girl 1 : OMG! You looked at me!
Boy 1 : But you told me to...
Girl 1 : You're totally violating me! PERVERT!
Boy 1 : WTF!
Girl 2 : That ain't nothin girl! I just walked through the door and this guy walks through the SAME DOOR 5 minutes later. Who does he think he is?
Boy 2 : WTF! <stops walking>
Girl 3 : Men really think of us as objects. I think I'll make a movie about this.
Boy 3 : I totally understand your feelings. My sympathies!
Girls : Our champion!
Big B : Listen girls...
Girls : OMG! I'm Big B. Can I have your autograph?
Lil B : You can have mine!
Girl 1 : Who the hell're you?
Girl 3 : OH! It's that...Mr. Aish Bachchan.
Lil B : <returns to the shadows>
Big B : Are you girls not over reacting. I mean those guys didn't mean anything when they.....
Boy 1 : DUDE! I totally LOOKED at Girl 1 like she was an object.
Big B : ...when....they...
Boy 2 : DUDE! I totally walked through the same door as Girl 2 after just 5 minutes!
Big B : ......uhhhhh.....
Boy 3 : DUDE! I totally sympathized with them, so that I could talk to them!
Big B : .....................
Boys : This must be what sex feels like <hi-fi>
Girls : Uh huh! You were saying Big B?
Big B : Guys! What was all that about?
Boys : Hey! Boyz will be boyz <hi-fi> with a 'z'!
Big B : That saying is for boys who buy hot wheels or watch cartoons or something. GOD! Girls, why do you pretend to be the weaker sex? Don't you know that in this digital age, the power of the keyboard is equally in your hands as well!
Girls : You're right! <grabs hold of keyboards>
Big B : So use them!
Girls : <beat the boyz WITH keyboards>
Boys : OK! We surrender, we'll change the 'z' back to an 's'!
Big B : Not exactly what I meant!

And so,
Sushi Taroor : So I'm screwed huh?
Fakit Modi : Pretty much!
Public : Burn him!
Sushi Taroor : Don't you know that Modi's event is just a front for betting and match fixing?
Public : Yup!
Sushi Taroor : Don't you know that Modi uses this to get his friends and family rich?
Public : Yeah.
Sushi Taroor : Don't you know that Modi has done all the things he has accused me of and more?
Public : We do!
Sushi Taroor : Then how come you're screwing me over?
Public : 'Cause you're a WITCH!
Sushi : <sigh> I shall tweet my resignation. God! Why did I ever come back to this country?


Tania’s Tale

Tania : Why isn't anyone paying attention to me? I'm Tania Mirchi goddam it!
Manager : Maybe your should focus less on that and more on your tennis career.
Tania : Screw tennis! I was once THE queen of Indian sports, the media wanted me, my fans kneeled before me, my dog....
Manager : You do realise that was quiet some time ago <picks up dusty newspaper>
Newspaper : Tania currently ranked 27th in the world...in other news, Hitler said his first words today : "Damn Juice".

<FLASHBACK SEQUENCE : Tania's career>

Manager : What? Where did this flashback sequence come from?
Tania : Too complicated for you? Idiot! Just shut up and narrate the story or something.
Manager : Contradictory, but OK. It all started way back in 2003...

Way back in 2003...
Tennis fan 1 : Dude! Did you hear about the Indian chick that ruled in the Wimbledon Girl's doubles?
Tennis fan 2 : Yeah maaaaaan! We should totally start excessively praising her and give her unwanted media exposure that'll side track her promising budding career.
Tennis fan 1 : That's just what I was thinking. You know what else we should do? We should get a really sexy poster of hers and stick it in our room.
Tennis fan 2 : No way man! Last time I stuck a Pamela Anderson poster in my room, my house sued me.
Tennis fan 1 : Your house sued you?
Tennis fan 2 : Yeah, I accidentally and unknowingly got my wall pregnant.
Tennis fan 1 : Ooo....kaaaaay! I'm gonna go with compiling revealing and raunchy photos of her and mail it to other horny guys.
Tennis fan 2 : Uhhh.....isn't that like, materialising women?
Tennis fan 1 : Well said for a wall rapist!
Pregnant Wall : I thought you LOVED me you b******! Men are all the same. <spits>

Fortunately and unfortunately by 2005...
Tania in 2005 : Hey everyone, don't let my tight jeans and figure hugging top distract you from the Sprite bottle I'm holding in my hand. Drink Sprite! <pose>
Men in India : I'm confused! Her hand or her chest? What should I look at? THIS IS TOO HARD!....Pun intended you naughty reader!
Women in India : WHOA! If I drink that, I'll look like that as well.
Tennis fan 1 : Dude! Tania Mirchi is da bomb! Only Serene Williams could stop her in the Australian open!
Tennis fan 2 : I just can't believe we've been talking about the same thing since 2003. Hey look! I just gotta photo in the mail where you can see her nippl....
Moral police wanna be : Did someone say the N-word?
Tennis fan 2 : GAAAAAAH! WTF!
African American dude : YO! Yo bettah watch it maaaaan!
Moral police wanna be: That talented person, Tania should stop playing. She dresses indecently!
Tennis fan 1 : WTF MAN! What's your problem?
Moral police wanna be : My wife divorced me for calling out her name when we were....uh! I mean...screw you unholy supporter! Tania's clothing is an insult to our culture and ruins our kids' minds. Either that or something religious, I'm not very sure.
Tennis fan 2 : It's 2005, there's cheap affordable internet to provide free porn to every kid.
Moral police wanna be : Tania quit India!

But by 2007...
Tennis fan 1 : I wonder if someone is intentionally forwarding us by 2 years at a time in this flash back.
Tennis fan 2 : Screw that dude! Tania is world rank 27! That's like the awesomest-est Indian girl in Tennis!
Moral police wanna be : She's still a corrupting influence on the youth. Ban her! Exile her! Beat her up in the name of culture!
Tennis fan 1 : That is so barbaric dude!
Saffron baldy : That gave me an idea! <takes down notes>
Tania of 2007 : Stop! Why are all of you bothered about what I wear? Instead focus on what's important, what I'm doing for my country. I love my country and tennis and I will forever be trying my best in both!
Tennis fan 1 : Tania ki jai!
Tennis fan 2 : Didn't make all that sense but I guess that speech is enough in bollywood when they make a movie about her later on.
Moral police wanna be : That touches me so deeply. Since we're not an annoyingly conservative country who over react to anything deviating from our out dated convention, we shall let you play.
Tania in 2007 : Thanks you guys! Don't forget to drink Sprite!

Unspecified amount of time later...
Tennis fan 1 : What? No forwarding by 2 years this time?
Tennis fan 2 : Dude! Tania has had a wrist injury...AGAIN!
Tennis fan 1 : Goodbye Olympic tennis medals.
Ramesh Phupathi : I feel insulted!
Meander Pace : OI! Just because we don't do no commercials don't mean we're no good!
Tennis fan 2 : Yeah yeah glory of the past! What was that? A triple negative?
Tennis fan 1 : What happened Tania?
Tania of unspecified year : I dunno! I guess I needed the extra unwanted attention to get me to perform better. How about it dude with long name? Care to needlessly insult me on something unrelated to my sport?
Ex-Moral Police wanna be : I have evolved! I shall only judge you by how you play. And baby, you steenk now!
Manager : I guess that about wraps up this flashback.
Ex-Moral Police wanna be : Who the hell are you?
Manager : I'm the narrator of this flashback sequence. Anyways, goodbye Tennis fan 1 and 2, it was nice having you in different timelines.


Tania : What where we talking about before that bloody flashback? I forget!
Manager : <sigh> Why don't you scroll up and check it.
Tania : Oh right! Attention seeking. Hmmmmm...I know! The trend these days is getting married. Sucky Sawant almost did it, that Reality show guy Rahul did it. Maybe that's what I need to get back into the spot light!
Manager : How about practicing your famous forehand ground strokes and kicking some firangi ass huh? That'll get you back into the spot light in the world of sports.
Tania : Shut up! What do you know? I'm the star and you're just my butler. Now bring me some random good looking guy!

Sometime later....
Tania : What is this thing?
Manager : It's the random good looking guy you ordered madam.
Tania : Get him away from me! He's drooling all over the place.
Drooler : Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaa........Taaaaaaaniaaaaaaaaaa......wooooooooww.....
Manager : Every extra letter there was a drop of saliva.
Tania : OK! Listen up! You're my...ummm....Childhood friend! Yeah! That sounds cute enough. And we're suddenly engaged. OK!
Drooler Fiancé : Whaaaaat evveeeeer yooooouuuu saaaaaaaaaay.....Taaaaaaaa niaaaaaa!
Manager : <mops up the place>
Tania : Hey every one! I'm getting married to this previously unknown guy. Envy him!
Software engineer : OMG! Must....forward....this....info....before.....dying....from.....
grief.......BLAH! <drops dead>
Tania : He he! My genocide has begun!

Few days later....
Manager : The total death count after you announced your engagement.
Tania : What? That's it! This is like just 20% of the male population! I wanted ALL of them to suicide, even the homos.
Manager : I'm working 555 minutes a day to spread the propaganda Boss.
Tania : Well you suck at it Dude!
Manger : Look! It's not like you're the only person on the news.
Tania : Yes yes, I know. Damn those Somalian pirates.
Manager : How about we get rid of the marriage plan, kill the drooler, dump his body and get back to Tennis huh?
Tania : We shall do all that, except the last part. But what reason should we give for breaking off the wedding?
Manager : I dunno! Something like 'incompatibility' sounds vague enough. Now let me get my big ass shot gun and take care of the drooler.
Tania : Hey everyone! I'm NOT getting married.
Software engineer in hell : OMG! They don't serve coffee here!
Tania : Guys! I said I'm not getting married.
Indians : Huh?....uh....good for you...I guess.
Tania : DAMMIT! How could they ignore my publicity stunt like this? Looks like I need to do something more...AHA! I got it! <picks up phone> Get me the Pakistan Cricket Team.
Phone : We don't work on the operator system anymore you stupid b****! Dial the damn number.

Few hours later....
Manager : That was messy to get rid of, with all the blood and drool. Thank god that's over. That was the stupidest thing she's ever done.
Tania : Hey everyone! I'm getting married to Former Pakistan Captain, Show-off Maalik!
Manager : I stand corrected.
Tania : You might remember Show-off Maalik from this flashback sequence.

<Another FLASHBACK SEQUENCE : Show-off Maalik's career>

Show-off : Hey! Check it out! I'm like an all rounder and the Captain of my team.
Everyone(bored) : Yaaaaay!
Show-off : I'm gonna get an elbow surgery to correct my suspected bowling action. Isn't that awesome.
Show-off : I'm also gonna play in the inaugural T-20 World Cup finals against our mortal enemy and lose.
Everyone(still bored) : Yaaaaay!
Show-off : Now I shall single out people of my religion and acknowledge ONLY them in an effort to get people to listen to me.
Everyone : Yaa...whoa! Whoa! WHOA!.....WTF!!
Show-off : <cheesy grin>


Manager : What's wrong with you?
Tania : Ain't it cool? Now people will be like "Is she supporting her country or her husband's". I'll be in the news and photos every time there's a hyped up India vs Pakistan Match. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone(still bored) : Yaaaaay!
Tania : WTF! How come they're not paying attention to me?
TV : Watch the IPL V 3.0. Now with MORE COMMERCIALS! Watch now or die a lonely death.
Everyone : Must watch IPL! Must watch IPL! Must watch IPL! Must watch IPL!
Tania : ******** ********* **** ******* Cricketainment! This calls for drastic measures.
Chetan Bugger : I already started on the book my dear.
Tania : Maybe not that drastic.

Few days later...
Show-off : Welcome everyone to this press conference. I'm here to officially make a statement on that fat cow who claims she's married to me. I'd like to make it clear that I'm not fed these lines through a wireless Bluetooth headset by my would be. <cheesy grin>
Tania : <slaps head>
Show-off : Well, it's true that I was married to the fat cow through telephone. Yeah, you can actually do that these days! So we're really married and she's not a friend of Tania who's just playing her part in this grossly exaggerated publicity stunt. And thus we're currently in a legal dead lock and can't do anything.
Media : OMG! We must play this story 24x7 for no apparent reason.
St. Xavier : But I just killed a dragon today...
Media : Quiet you!
Tania : This is great! I'm back in the news! They'll play 9 second clips of me over and over again on TV. I'm LUVIN IT!
McDawnlds : That's our line!
Tania : Suck...mah....
McDawnalds : Mr.Show-off! Can't you just divorce your fat cow and THEN marry Tania.
Tania : WTF!
Everyone : That's a very simple solution to this problem.

10 seconds later...
Show-off : The telephone divorce is done and now I'm free to wed Tania. <cheesy grin>
Tania : I didn't REALLY wanna marry you...I just....OH GOD!
McDawnalds : Suck on THAT...bee-yotch!


Contact me


Email *

Message *